I feel like I’m being pushed into a masculinized role in my lesbian relationship
I’m a 28-year-old cis lesbian and my girlfriend is 22, also a cis lesbian.
There’s something about our relationship that has been making me uncomfortable, but I’ve had a hard time putting it into words.
In my previous relationships with women, I simply felt like a woman dating another woman. I never felt that one of us had to occupy “the man” role.
In my current relationship, though, I increasingly feel like I’m being pushed into a masculinized role.
She rarely initiates sex or affection, so I’m usually the one who has to pursue her. I tend to pay for things. Emotionally, I feel expected to protect her, reassure her, and be the strong or stable one. But when I’m vulnerable, soft, insecure, or need care myself, I don’t feel like that side of me is really welcomed or understood.
She has mostly been in relationships where the other woman took on a more traditionally masculine role, and I sometimes wonder if she unconsciously expects that same dynamic from me.
What bothers me is not masculinity itself, and I’m not saying that certain behaviors “belong to men.” I’m talking about the social expectations that are traditionally placed on men in heterosexual relationships: being the initiator, provider, protector, and emotionally contained partner.
When all of those expectations fall on me, I start to feel disconnected from my own femininity inside the relationship. I want to feel pursued, desired, cared for, protected, and able to be vulnerable too.
I think what I’m really struggling with is the lack of reciprocity, but it feels gendered in a way that I haven’t experienced in my previous relationships with women.
Have other lesbians experienced this kind of dynamic? How would you understand it?