r/JUSTNOMIL

I thought to come back with an update 😮‍💨

It’s been two months of blissful no contact for me, and very low contact for DH. We have been so peaceful and are doing great (knock on wood). A lawyer has been engaged and everything house related is going through him. MIL continued, or at least tried to continue with her demands and the lawyer put her straight. She accused DH of breaking up the family, but he is finally seeing it differently. The therapist is also helping healing the child in him. Things are moving in a positive direction, while not all days are easy we are staying strong . We are putting us first. It was a long journey to get here and i thank each and everyone who commented and gave their inputs. I might come back with crazy mil stories in future, but for now we are on a break 😂

For anyone interested they can read my previous posts on here about the nightmare scenarios with MIL.

After many fights and talks and therapy sessions, my bf started to open his eyes to what was actually happening. He acknowledged the toxic behaviour of his mum and the intensive relationship she has with him.

The latest incident:

On Sunday we had MIL over for lunch for the very first time after moving into the new house in Aug. We were under the impression that she is behaving well and we left the past fights in the past. Little did we know we were in for a surprise. To our luck a portion of the porch roof (which has zero structural meaning to the rest of the house) was damaged by the rain and water remains. We didn’t see it as it probably happened during the night, and we spent the morning at home having food and cooking. When MIL came she was the first to see the damage and immediately said she will get a company to fix it. I told my bf she doesn’t have to be involved we are adults we can handle it. He agreed and told her we will call a company and we don’t need her to do anything, he specifically said this to her . She agreed but asked if we would still just keep her in the loop. Stupid of me admittedly, but I did keep her in the loop, i told her that I got an appointment in 1-1.5 weeks, exact date to be determined. Even showed the great reviews of the company. I thought wow this is great we are finally dealing with things like a real family. 2h later after our talk she calls me saying she found another company to come immediately the day after, at 8 AM. Keep in mind it was a workday and both me and bf work full time 8:30-9 till 5/6 depending on the day. On said day I had a doctors appointment at 8:30, and bf wanted to be in office. I said to MIL the other company can come to quote us but not do work on the roof, as she explained that she called them as an emergency service so they had us prioritised. Meaning, where we are located, we pay double the price for said services . I doubled down on saying it is not necessary. She seemed to agree and we hung up. I let my bf now what happened, he was livid. Immediately called her and told her to call the company off. Did she agree? Nope. She still came together with the company at 8 am next morning. Bf was forced to work from home and he did make it clear she crossed a boundary. She then proceeded to ask the company to make the invoice in her name , fine by me, but is now refusing to pay the invoice for the company she hired when we specifically told her multiple times no, and expects us to foot the bill . Bf is standing his ground, and says she needs to pay for it. She threatens with a lawyer/lawsuit again. I wish she would just go ahead and sue us already 😩

Why she wanted the invoice in her name you ask? Wanted to claim tax return benefits on money we spend for upkeep of the house! A nightmare.

BF and I have a united front and aren’t budging. But gosh this is draining… am i overreacting?

Strap in, this is a long one. I’ll try and cliff note as much as possible but really struggling with how to deal with this.

Me (28F) and my husband (28M) have been together in total for 11 years. Started dating in high school and did long distance pretty much the entire time. We lived anywhere between 45 minutes and 12 hours from each other during the first 7 years until we moved in together. As hard as the distance was, it wasn’t the hardest part of our relationship, it was my (now) MIL. She is incredibly controlling and manipulative and has been her whole life (per my assessment of how she’s treated her family). She had a really hard time controlling my husband, who is the oldest, and they butted heads A LOT. When we started dating, she used me as a punishment. If he didn’t listen to her, she took the car so he couldn’t see me. If we had plans on the books weeks in advance, she would ground him right before for something like his performance in a baseball game. Or she wouldn’t even give an excuse, she would just tell him no. In college, he was living at home for a semester due to community college being right by them so he could save money. One weekend he drove 5 hours to come see me and she told him to turn around and come back because his Life360 said he drove 90mph on the highway. He obviously said no and didn’t come home until Sunday and then she grounded him for 2 months, again he was in COLLEGE.

I have a million more examples and I can give more if needed but trying to condense this as much as possible.

One weekend, my husband went to visit a big city, we will call it *city*, for a friend’s birthday weekend and he fell in love with it. Told his parents he would love to move there one day, and me and him talked about it a lot during our last year of college about how fun it would be to move somewhere like that one day and raise our family.

We ended up buying a home in our hometown because of where our jobs were. Got married. Lived there for 2 years and then my job caused us to move to Florida, which we were ecstatic about because more recently, we had talked about wanting to move there. We only lived in Florida for about a year (one hurricane season was enough for us to not want to worry about that every year) and during that year, MIL visited about 5 times. Looked at the area, asked us what places we liked, and whether we were serious about moving there for good. Would make comments about how one of her kids would actually love to be in Florida and the other ones would need a little convincing, and I thought that was weird but didn’t think anything serious about it.

When we figured out Florida wasn’t for us, we floated Virginia being a really nice place. I always loved Virginia growing up but we had never really been together so started planning a visit to go see the area. Suddenly MIL is asking about cities there to live and where they’d go. And now I started figuring out what was going on. I told my husband my suspicions and he felt weird about it as well but we were like ok let’s not draw conclusions.

His other siblings were about to join the workforce and I guess wanted to potentially live at home for a little to pay off student loans. Suddenly they all get jobs in *city*. Then his parents announce they’re selling their home and renting a home on a short term lease in *city* until they find out where they want to buy.

I found out I was pregnant and we decided to move back to our hometown. We announced it to the family and MIL was beside herself that they decided to sell their home.

Throughout our relationship, we always talked about potentially moving to my college town. We had so many great memories together and it was the one place we could truly be together without the control of his mom. And with the baby on the way, we knew this would be a less expensive place to raise our growing family. Softly we decided that’s where we were going to move but didn’t know when exactly we would end up doing it.

At my baby shower, my college friend went up to my MIL and talked about how excited she was to have my husband and I back in the same city to hang out and raise our kids. She snapped back at her and said “they won’t move there, they’ll move to *city* where family is.”

When I was 36 weeks pregnant, she was hounding us to visit them at their rental home and see the area, which was a 9 hour drive from us. I was like I’m sorry I can’t travel that far, and she would say things about how she did it all the time when she was 36 weeks pregnant. Which was just rude and insensitive but I was used to that type of treatment so I rubbed it off and we never visited.

Fast forward to postpartum, my husband and I realized very quickly where we were living was too small even for just the 3 of us. We started a home search in my college town and found one we loved and put in an offer and we got it. Everything happened so quick so we picked up and moved and we were SO happy.

All of a sudden, my husband is getting calls from MIL about how expensive *city* is and how they just can’t find anything they love. His siblings constantly wondered why they even moved if they weren’t sure that’s where they wanted to be. Then it all comes out that the reason they had moved there, was because we talked about it years ago as a place we wanted to end up. And now she’s pissed we didn’t move there.

Then she calls my husband and says they were just casually looking at houses in my college city and after 2 years of looking at houses, she finally found one she loved. Starts naming all the details about the house and talks about how it’s definitely going to sell quickly and she’s so sad about it and so my husband was like oh wow where is it? And she “couldn’t remember” exactly where it was. You remember everything about the house but don’t remember where it is? So I decided to look at houses for sale right by house and would you believe I found the exact house she was talking about. One neighborhood over.

Naturally I flipped out. My husband and I had a big talk about it and obviously told them that this was too close. You would’ve thought we started World War III. She starts talking about how she can’t believe the level of betrayal and how they wouldn’t just randomly stop by and she doesn’t understand why it’s too close or why her son would say something like that to her. She starts crying to her other kids about it and is just completely distraught.

Now, 2 of her kids have gotten jobs in our city and they’re looking at homes, but claim they won’t be right by us. Yet we never hear about what neighborhoods they’re even looking at or what suburb it’s in. To make matters worse, one of her sons starts a job in 3 weeks and he doesn’t have a place to stay so now he is moving into our house!!!! While we have a baby!!!! And MIL didn’t even question whether it’d be okay or not, she’s just forcing everyone to this city because she knows we won’t move wherever they go.

My SIL even said to me that she made a comment to them “it feels like we’re just following them around wherever they go”

I’m seriously trying not to flip out but I do NOT want them here and I don’t know what to do. We would love to have his siblings but I think his parents moving here would just ruin my life and I don’t know what to do. Help.

I’ve been with my common-law partner for three years, best friends for 5 before that. We have a 9-month-old son together after going through IVF, and I’m at the point where I’m taking space with my son.

My partner is completely enmeshed with his parents (early 70’s F and 80’s M) and cannot make decisions without their approval. He works for them and is completely financially independent with them. He also is the unofficial overnight caretaker to their other disabled child when they are on vacation which they go on multiple times a year. Which means we pack up our two pets, and baby to stay at their very large and not baby proofed house. Lately MIL has been extremely frustrating.

For years I’ve been asking him to build a life with me. I feel like I’ve spent most of our relationship carrying the mental load of trying to move our family forward while he waits, delays, and lets his parents influence every major decision. He has made many promises to me like proposing, marriage, a family home, and so on yet nothing materializes. His mom had opinions on an elopement in Europe as a “waste of money,” and a wedding should be done in HER backyard - no way. We needed to do IVF and he wouldn’t do it until he broke down and called his mom about it and she gave him her blessing. I’m still furious about this to this day. I had to pay for our IVF and 2 years later I got a check from his dad for it. It didn’t even come from my partner who promised to cover it.

When we started IVF, I asked if we could buy a home as we are in a small apartment. I offered up a down payment. He said after I got pregnant. Then it was after the baby was born. Now our son is 9 months old, and I had to give an ultimatum in order for us to start looking.

Since we started looking MIL has gone bonkers. She would strategically ask me about plans for a house prior to this whenever my partner wasn’t around as if it was solely my responsibility to worry about this. Then she recently said she thinks my partner should take out a part of his inheritance early to help us get a family house. I obviously told DH and he called her the next day to discuss and she confirmed.

Three weeks later she yelled at him saying he should have considered a house two years ago. Then asked who suggested he use his inheritance and how did he even know he had an inheritance? Mind you she’s so much as told him what he will inherit in front of me and was extremely concise that he did NOT have to share it with anyone. He folded like a pretzel and said no one told him about inheritance as he “didn’t want to throw [me] under the bus”. Me???

On one of their recent vacations while we were at their place she then said “why are you even worrying about buying a house? People live in condos all the time. You’re living in a mansion now so you shouldn’t feel the need to worry”. Meaning THEIR house! As we were doing them a favour. (Side note they can pay a caregiver for over nights but they choose not to, money is not their issue).

The one house we got them to see with us, she hated. She criticized nearly every facet of it, then proceeded to put down DH comparing him to her other friends sons who are “independently successful”. And now she wants us to buy the house that’s across the street from them that is not even for sale.

To me, this isn’t about the house. It’s about control. DH is so financially enmeshed with his family he’s at the point he cannot buy a house with me without their help. And it’s by design. And it feels like MIL is sabotaging any independence. FIL has been quiet.

Recently, during an argument, he even told me that all of his income was protected and I wouldn’t get spousal support if we separated. Whether that’s legally true or not isn’t even the point. That’s where his mind went.
I’m exhausted.

I don’t even know if I’m angry at my MIL anymore because, honestly, she’s acting exactly how she is. And she is still adding in subtle digs at me as always - I’m not even going to go into all the subtle remarks she makes towards me. And “her baby” aka my son is suddenly her world. Except when she screams at him because he calls her son dada instead of “papa”. I can hear her raspy voice in my head even now: “say PAPA, say PAPA”. I’m close to having words with her if she ever speaks to him that way or brings this up again.

I’m angry that a 47-year-old man still can’t separate from his parents enough to put his own family first. And that they’ve completely financially restricted him to any sort of freedom. I am hoping me leaving will be a wake up call that he is seriously going to loose me if our lives get dictated any more by his parents. I love him and he gets a backbone every once in a while but it does not feel like enough even lately. He’s been calling my mom daily with propositions of love, coming through with promises, saying he will always love us and doesn’t want to loose us and will work on getting all of the things he promised me done. But the thing is I’ve heard this before. When it comes down to it he either folds or is truly powerless. I’ve always been hyper independent and this dynamic is beginning to make me sick.

My MIL is a difficult lady with a history of emotional abuse and manipulation towards her three children as she has for a very long time. She has a variety of mental disorders which I believe she is medicated for but doesn’t seem to seek much psychiatric help in managing her emotional abuse tendencies. She has many times threatened her children with suicide, her and my husband’s father are no longer together and haven’t been for a long time. They both have new partners.

My husband has a distant relationship with her and doesn’t go out of his way to visit her but will speak to her on the phone a few times a month (I think he feels bad for her). She messages me occasionally and I respond but I don’t like to talk to her on the phone and she has complained to my husband several times wondering why me and her aren’t closer (only since she found out we were pregnant and since baby was born).

We just had our first child 3 months ago, my MIL made a huge deal about how she didn’t want to be the last grandparent to meet her, we made arrangements for everyone to meet the baby within 6 weeks (which was quicker than what we originally wanted but felt obliged), it just so happened with my FIL work arrangements he would meet the baby first (no big deal IMO). She got very upset and verbally abusive to my husband, sent long messages and this is all in the week leading up to my scheduled C section. The night before my C section she texted us both to tell us she was in hospital for high blood pressure, it felt like she was trying to pull away the attention from us. I felt stressed and extremely frustrated that this was all happening while we were about to have our first baby and I was due to have a major operation. It really tainted the memory of the lead up to my daughter’s birth for me.

She is due to visit us in the coming weeks and I have this overwhelming feeling of dread and anxiety that is keeping me up at night. I have this horrible sense that she’s going to firstly be upset we won’t be seeing her long enough (always feels no matter what we do it isn’t good enough for her, I can accept this and move on), but I have this feeling of her doing something dramatic and scary towards my daughter. She doesn’t have a history of physical violence (although she did trash my FIL’s house once). She also bought us a heap of baby stuff that we didn’t really need and I always feel these gifts are to keep us from avoiding her which then just leaves me feeling guilty.

I feel sometimes I project my fear of my MIL on my husband and it makes me resent him. How do I tackle this anxiety? My brain is always telling me to run and avoid this woman all the time and I feel it consuming me a bit.

Thanks in advance reddit community

MIL hasn’t seen my baby since she was 8 weeks old (she’s 10 months old) because she’s lied about being sick, going to big events during cold and flu season and expecting to see baby after. Wanted to pass her around at her Xmas party with all her family members before she was vaccinated. Made nasty comments to me freshly pp.

I’ve since gone no contact because they just don’t understand basic hygiene like washing their hands before holding her the day they visited at the hospital. The list goes on.

She texted my husband this weekend saying they’re having a bbq with family coming from out of state and if he can find some time to sneak baby away for a quick visit. My husband didn’t respond which I wish he would just say your sneaky actions is exactly why you don’t see baby and that will never happen unless you apologize to me and my wife for your behavior in the past. What would you do in the situation. I’m no contact with her

My partner is military and is the middle of 4 months away for work... it is stressful. He had 3 days of leave approved at the last minute and then is gone again for 2 months. He chose to come home.

He hadn't initially told MIL when he left because he told me he "didn't want to hear it" and didn't want a big family dinner. She found out weeks later and was pissed with him.

After coming home he waited until late the first day to let his family know he was home. His mom texted him directly, not in the family chat or even in the chat between the 3 of us, stating she wanted to see him.

We agreed on a short visit the second day... I was busy all day on day 3 and we wanted that evening to ourselves before spending months apart again. I was the only reason he went for the visit because he didn't really feel like it.

We get there and I mentioned to MIL we chose that time because his final day wouldn't work since neither of us would be in the mood. She brought up moving outside and I stated I didn't know how long he wanted to stay, she took that as I didn't want to visit her (also true) and she snapped that I must hate her as much as my own mom (we are low contact). I laughed her off.

An hour later FIL was signaling it was time to go because they had errands and she threw a fit because she wanted us to stay. We took the chance to leave.

But then she brings up how we need to do a big dinner with his siblings on the Saturday. He reminds her I had a course all day and she insists we can just come after. She wasn't accepting the answer and then said we'll have to let her know by end of day so she can invite the siblings. FIL snapped at told her to stop making everything into a referendum.

We left and then hours later she texts him privately again to see if we are coming, and only accepted the no when it came from him solo.

I'm happy we maintained our boundary but it leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. I had already told her we didn't want to so anything our final evening together and she then decided to pull this. No respect or consideration for us as a couple.

I need honest responses, not just validating how I’m feeling lol. Is “my baby” or “our baby” harmless or do I just hate when my mil refers to my child like that bc I don’t like her? It literally makes my blood boil. I feel like she goes out of her way to say that and it sounds forced every time.

I love my partner. We’ve been together for 8 years and have a 10 month old daughter together. I really dislike his mom, and some of his extended family is pretty weird too. We come from different cultures, and I feel like overstepping, coddling, and having very few boundaries are normalized in his family. My family is also toxic and weird in their own way but I am not afraid to set boundaries and cut them off.

Before we had our daughter, I felt like I could tolerate it. But ever since becoming parents, I have this overwhelming urge to stay away from them and have nothing to do with them. My partner understands how I feel to a certain extent, but I don’t think he truly understands why it’s so frustrating for me.

I don’t spend time around his family anymore and honestly don’t want to. He respects that, but things his mom does still bother me. For example, she’s constantly buying things for our baby, and it irritates me. His response is always, “It has nothing to do with you. It’s not for you, it’s for our baby.” And to give a little more context, my mil is an excessive gifter and partner has tried many times to tell to stop and he thinks I no longer should let it affect me because i guess you can say she “cut back” on gifting by no longer gifting me a bunch of useless items and just stuck to gifting my baby a bunch of items and my partner.

Even when he takes our daughter to visit his mom, I get angry. Part of me wishes he truly understood how I feel and would decide on his own to go no contact with his mom too, but I know that isn’t fair to ask of him.

I feel like this situation is draining me and it shouldn’t be like this. Being with him also means his family will always be a part of his life and i don’t want to be a part of that. Maybe i’m just selfish.

I know you’ll probably want more context, but I honestly don’t have the energy to explain everything right now because there’s just so much to it.

I (36F) am low contact with my mom (60F). She and my father retired early and are loaded. They own 3 homes and are in the process of selling #2 and moving back into #1 full-time.

I work full time and am in the busiest season of my life. I just bought a house and rescued a dog who’s turned out to be a handful. My husband (37M) recently started a new job with very little vacation time, after a layoff and long period of unemployment. In the last year we’ve both been dealing with new medical diagnoses and the accompanying expenses, on top of being strapped for cash due to the house and being on a single income for a while. I also have to travel for work a lot.

Enjoy this text I got from my mom earlier this week:

>If you can board DogsName, you’re welcome to visit us around long weekend. Our movers are delivering boxes on July 1 or 2 and we’ll be unpacking the long weekend. ..you can help too 😜

>Good to have family ☺️

I’d loooove to try to find a place to board my dog 3 days before a major holiday and pay for it myself with money I don’t have, in order to drive 4 hours to help you, a retired person with nothing but free time, unpack your boxes of hoarded belongings. I’m flying home from a long, tiring work trip on July 3, but I definitely want to turn around and spend what’s left of my long weekend off of work helping you move in a heatwave. After you didn’t make a peep while I was moving just last year. No offers to help, not even asking how it went. You’ve incentivized me soooo much, how can I resist your offer?

Obviously I left her on read.

Right now, my boyfriend is on a family vacation in Boracay. As his girlfriend, I wasn't even invited.

This is what happens when a toxic "boy mom" manipulates her son, and a weak mama's boy lets her do it. She has totally taken over his life, constantly playing the victim and pitifully whining that "maybe everyone is just waiting for her to die" to guilt-trip him.

Instead of seeing through her act, he falls for it every single time. He treats her like his actual wife, puts her first, and leaves me feeling like a pathetic placeholder who actually is just waiting for her to pass away so our relationship can start.

I’ve finally had enough. He keeps calling and texting me from their trip, but I am completely ignoring him.

Has anyone else dealt with a toxic mother who uses fake, pitiful guilt trips to control her grown son?

How do you stay strong and stay radio silent when walking away from a mess like this?

Cutting contact is the only way to save my sanity. I am done playing second best to his mother.

UPDATE: Thank you so much to everyone for the incredible support, advice, and validation on this post! It was tough to face the reality of the situation, but reading your comments made it crystal clear that walking away now is a massive win for my future self. I'm choosing my peace, leaving this lesson in the past, and looking forward to a much brighter future. Thank you all for helping me realize my worth!

I’ve known my IL’s about 6 years, married to my husband for two. We just had our first LO about 10 weeks ago.
Let me start off with that we literally live right next door to them, in what was my husband’s grandparents house. Like most, prior to having baby I felt ok about my in laws, we had dinner with them every other Friday, saw them frequently because my FIL takes our dog during the day because he is already retired, etc. I didn’t want to be best friends with them but they are tolerable.

During my first pregnancy, my MIL started to talk about retiring. I unfortunately had a miscarriage 2 months in and that kind of ended that talk. I never pursued it or asked her why she felt the need to retire, but nevertheless. Fast forward to finding out I was pregnant last August, over a year since my MC, and now the talk of retiring begins again. At the time I said maybe they could watch baby a day during week, but that I wanted him strapped to me and by my side as long as possible. I am lucky enough to work at a family business where it will be possible to keep my LO with me when i return to work.

Before giving birth, I told my husband I did not want anyone but him and my mom with me. I’m extremely close to my mom. As time is getting close for my induction, im hearing things like “well let us know when she is close to having baby so we can be there”. I tried to be ok with it, they are first time grandparents and I know they are excited so I just let it happen. I ended up having to have a c-section, and the first thing I hear after I’m rolled back to my room, body numb and naked, holding my precious miracle is “well I finally handed in my retirement papers today.” lol what.

After that I feel like she just expected this baby to be handed to her. My mom stayed with me and my husband for two weeks after, and thank god for that. But my MIL kept making comments like “well when your mom leaves then I’ll come up. Then I’ll make you dinners. Then I can hold the baby if you want to nap or go to store.” It felt weird that because one grandma was there, she wouldn’t come even though she lives right next door. A minute walk over. She never brought us dinners or did anything like such. You know, helpful things you don’t really need to ask for when you’re postpartum.

After that, when my mom left and my husband returned to work, it was a constant “well let me know when I can come, let me know when you need help” like repeated 5-7 times every visit up. I just kept saying “ok I will”. I didn’t want her around. I felt like I was already trying to learn the needs of a newborn, and having her around meant I not only had to monitor him but also entertain her. But she was upset because my own parents kept coming over. I let her come up one afternoon, and she saw the bottles in the sink, didn’t do a thing about them. She followed me from spot to spot as I tried to calm my baby down, I was clearly frazzled and stressed, and she just wanted to talk about work drama as her last few weeks were coming to an end. She shoves the pacifier in his mouth even when he doesn’t want it. And not once has she offered to change his diaper. I feel like she became bitter when I continued to have my own mother and father over, at least once a week, because my own parents are genuinely helpful, I don’t have to explain my needs, I trust them with my baby. I feel like it’s a known biological thing that girls (who get along with their parents) want them around with a new baby, especially their own moms!!!! My MIL and SIL are extremely close so I thought this would be something she could understand.

My last straw happened a few days ago, she’s officially retired now. My MIL and FIL came up. I tried to be happy and handed baby over. My FIL said “this baby is what she needed”. My MIL said “yes he is, mine are all grown up now.” YEAH. You had your years of being a mom! This is MINE? She then made comments about how my LO was going to hang out in her craft room with her and read books down at their house. I feel like she’s trying to get him alone which I just feel is weird. I’ve made it clear this baby has no intention of leaving my side at minimum the next year. Thankfully my husband fully supports this. It’s just an awkward situation and I feel guilty because I want my baby to have as much family as possible. But I feel so weird and awkward and angry around her.

Tomorrow we are going to a family event for my MILs parents. She keeps saying everyone is excited to meet him. But I refuse to pass him around like a piece of meat. I’m at the point where I don’t care if I come across cold and rude anymore. This is my baby and she’s making me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Please give me advice on anything. I don’t want to hate her but it’s difficult.

Edit: my baby is 10 WEEKS not months. Can you tell in exhausted?

Struggling for a few years with the in-laws to the point of me choosing to go NC for the last 2 years. We’ve been married 5 years, have a toddler, have marital issues surrounding husband’s addiction and a baby on the way. Dealt with the usual steamrolling, manipulation, disgusting language, bullying of her own child, gaslighting and boundary stomping. Husband finally saw fit to have us meet with his childhood trauma therapist to discuss his family. He’s been pressuring me to rug sweep and quasi-fix the relationship with his mom since we found out that we’re expecting. I’m not on board. We’ve made attempts over the last year and it’s amounted to nothing more than his mom berating me while my husband disassociated. When it comes to my kids— no one has access to them without both of their parents being respected and willing. I’ve cut off some of my own destructive family members so it’s known that I mean business. We met with the therapist and this will be the 3rd that outright states his mom should be seeking her own treatment. Something we both know, but know hell will probably freeze over before she ever considers her own mental health. The hour was spent well. I finally felt like there was a real understanding about the unwarranted treatment I’ve received over the last few years. My husband even acknowledged that he’s received poor treatment from his family. We ended the session in agreement about our kids and how we will be handling the situation with his family for the foreseeable future. We agreed that I deserve a healthy pregnancy, birth and postpartum period; that we won’t include them in the pregnancy, birth or postpartum until I feel safe to do so; and a continued boundary that our kids aren’t a topic of conversation with his parents or grandparents (aside from “they’re fine”). I was very much supported by the therapist and my husband. This has been such a weight lifted as my first pregnancy and postpartum was the most stressful time of my life due to having to include mil and all of her anxiety riddled antics. Anyway a win is a win is a win! Oh and I’m strictly making statements, no advice wanted, my mil thinks making posts on the internet are always for seeking the opinions of others 😂

Just remembered my MIL tried to open the door to my labor and delivery room while I was ACTIVELY in labor because she thought she heard a baby crying… she wasn’t even invited to the hospital yet

After my divorce (cheating ex), I met my current husband (never married before) on Instagram. We are from 2 different countries but similiar South East Asian backgrounds. We formed a good connection. I flew to see him and eventually we got married. I am older than my husband and its uncommon in our culture for younger never-married men to marry divorced older women. He was obviously okay with it. Before the wedding, my mil tried to cancel the wedding several times because I was not 'her choice' and she wasn't ready to let her son get married for another 3 years. My husband and I were adamant and we constantly had to keep begging her not to cancel the wedding. It was only when my husband said that he will still fly to my country to marry me whether his family joined him or not is when they begrudgingly attended the wedding. On the condition that my husband and I pay for everything for his whole family, including flight tickets, pre- and post- wedding accomodation and tours. We usually give dowry during the ceremony but just before it, my mil visited my husband in his room and demanded that no dowry is paid to me and that I didn't deserve it because I was marrying her younger son. All this didn't matter to me because I always thought that once they spent time with me and got to know me, our relationship would improve. Because I have a good paying job in my country, my husband and I mutually agreed that I would be visiting him every 3 months until I was ready to permanently move in around 2 years time. But every time I would want to visit, she would threaten to throw my husband out of the house if I came. They had just started a company together and she had a majority share. She started misusing her position and began controlling my husband's finances. (All this was very weird to me. I used to wonder why he would take her bs and not stand up to her. I only knew later that he had undergone a lifetime of emotional abuse under her and I guess that had somehow affected him). At some point, she agreed that I visit. But when I went, she blocked all my husband's money so he couldn't access or spend any money while I was there. And sometimes, she would come to me and tell me that I should not get pregnant because she was sure her son would cheat on me a few years into our marriage once my age catches up to me and I start wrinkling. (I currently look younger than my husband). I later found out that she had been telling him that she will get him a wife of her choice and name all his inheritance under her so that he would be forced to marry her and leave me. One day, my husband decided to confront her with one of his sisters present. They were in the sitting room and I was inside the room with the door closed so I had no idea that there was an argument going on. The next day, I was accused of brainwashing my husband and his mom and sisters demanded that he leave me. A lot of horrible things were said about me (ugly, used, etc) and her son (she wished death, cancer, paralysis, infertilty, getting crushed into pieces by a truck on a highway and a lot worse for him). We both refused to part ways so she gave my husband a ultimatum that he either leaves me or she will remove him from the business, take away his property and throw him out. I was thrown out of the house and my husband chose to let go of everything and join me. She threatened to burn his passport and academic degrees if he didn't go back. So a couple of days later, we went to her house to pick the rest of my stuff up, some of his, and to take his passport and degrees only to realise she had locked them in a drawer and taken the key with her. We had to pry the drawer open with a screwdriver and take his documents. The next day, she realised his documents are not there and calls him to demand that he returns them which he refuses to. A couple of minutes later, she calls again and says that she is missing some gold coins that were in the same drawer and that I must have stolen them. A few days later, she calls him again and demands that he comes back and threatens to get him locked up on a trumped up charge if he doesn't go back. At this point, my husband got scared because around 12 years ago, she had intentionally injured her children and called the police accusing her ex-husband, my husband's father of domestic abuse which got him jailed for a couple of weeks. So when I was returning home, my husband came with me and now he has to start all over again here. This was 9 months ago, his sisters haven't talked to him at all. And his mother only talks to him to demand he returns, threaten him, or say a lot of shitty , hurtful stuff about me. Also, everyone she knows has been told that my husband and I stole her gold and ran away.

I wasn’t able to attend my SIL’s baby shower since I lived 600 miles away and had a newborn. I’d crocheted a baby blanket for SIL’s baby, so I gift wrapped it and mailed it to my MIL’s house so she could take it with her to the shower. I called her before the shower to verify that the package had reached her in time, and reiterated the plan. My thought was that, even though I wasn’t at the shower, a thoughtful gift would signal that I was thinking of SIL on her big day. I’ve been to many showers where gifts from absent family members are opened, especially when they are hand made.

On the day of the shower, MIL left the gift at home.

I asked her why she didn’t take it to the shower. “You weren’t there. She can come to my house to open it.”

WTF?

I feel hurt.

Update:

SIL and MIL saw each other yesterday, and the gift was exchanged. SIL thinks there are two possible motivations:

1. MIL forgot and is trying to save face.
2. MIL was worried about doing something “wrong”. (She is socially awkward, but also status-conscious and rigid, so she might have been worried that this sort of thing isn’t done.)

I still think there’s a chance she didn’t want to hear anyone admire the blanket.

I keep making drafts of posts wanting to make a huge vent on my MIL to get things off my chest. But I narrowed down an example to focus on here. Special circumstances is that husband and I met far from both our hometowns, lived for a decade there, and then (long story) moved to his hometown. We spent most of our parenthood so far being long distance from extended family and now are within an hour from his side while mine continue to be 15+ hours away. We spent a lot of time on our own as a household, or traveling to one of the 3 other states we or I have lived in and seeing friends and my family. MIL on the other hand spends all her free time with her daughters and their kids who are all teenagers. It seems to bug her that she does not automatically get that time with our younger kids despite us now living closer.

MIL wrote on our calendar this past year everyone's (from their side of family) birthdays, anniversaries, and her three vacations that she plans a year. Like with pen directly on my calendar. I'm sorry, I do not spend any of my life wondering when my SILs got married. My husband's sisters are older than him and he is older than me so I did not know them during any weddings. I care about birthdays but I let my husband worry about his side of the family and it is not my fault he cannot remember (last year we were out of town on a road trip during MIL's birthday, and a few days later my FIL texted my husband that his mom 'had a good birthday' and he was like, Oh crap! I forgot!).

The first year we lived closer, MIL started a group text about when "they" aka her, FIL, daughters and husbands and the grandkids, could take us out for our anniversary. My husband and I never thought to have a group celebration for it and turned them down. Every year we get texts for when they are hosting each other's anniversaries (only with each other, other friends or sides of families are never included, this is a pattern for all celebrations even the kids' bdays). And each year we decline. Like if his parents throw a 50th anniversary party for themselves, sure, we'll go, but we do not need year to year celebrations. We go to some birthdays but there are so many birthdays with all the grandkids we do not make each one.

The vacations we used to go on when we lived far. We'd come in for them. Now that we live closer and get regular "normal" visits with them, we only go one night if not at all, out of the three MIL plans and takes everyone on. MIL every year guilt us and makes comments but we do not care. Unlike her daughters, my husband and I actually do things with other people and we always prioritize a longer stretch driving or flying to my hometown. Every single vacation is centered around water, like on a lake or a houseboat or island, and I cannot stand chasing little kids around and everyone is expected to be together all the time. No splitting up or going into the local town, etc. Like they are not fun and I find it hilarious MIL blocks off weeks on my calendar expecting us to make time for it.

Good thing is I have a second calendar and I swapped it and MIL is back to passively aggressively texting my husband when he forgot to reach out or keep a weekend free for the fourth grand kid birthday in a row. Not really looking for advice as we have a lot of boundaries with our time and MIL (we see them probably twice a month, compared to almost every day of the other kids/grand kids). Just entertain me with your similar stories or comments.

I don’t know how to make this stop or create boundaries when the things that are done feel small or make me feel like I’d be crazy if I said something. But they are adding up!!!! I want to have a good relationship with my MIL but I feel like she has it out for me.

Here’s a few things she’s done:
- most recently, asked what days I work and proceeded to schedule a family trip on the two days I am scheduled to work.

- in a similar and super odd note, we were all taking trips to visit my brother in law. She told us to come one week and the rest of the family the following week. She was there for both weeks. Turns out the brother and his kids had off the following week when aunts and uncles would be in town.. like obviously we want the cousins and brothers to be together wtf?

- we originally said no pacifiers (I know but that is what I wanted with my first baby) and when I was in the other room she put a pacifier in my two day old baby’s mouth!

-told me not to try for another home birth because “it was too hard on * my husband *” 😮‍💨

- gave my daughter a spoonful of frosting during a family meal when she was 7 months and had barely tried anything other than breast milk. Right after saying we were waiting until 1 year for sugar…!!!

I could go on and on. And these are some of the bigger things that have bothered me. Again, most of it is weird and subtle jabs. But it is adding up, and I’m not sure how to move forward. My husband and her are very close. She was a single mom with two boys and she loves to treat them like young boys still. And the wives like we are also kids. Not thirty something year old adults 😅

I’m tired of this! Maybe I just need to vent. Maybe some advice

Ongoing issues with MIL. She is passive aggressive, overly opinionated and pushy. There are also issues with both of my SIL. It has been very difficult, hurtful & stressful for me. I'm sure you all get it.

She has also made several rude comments to my parents. They do not feel welcome or comfortable around her.

For example, on mother's day, my MIL said to my parents, "You should be with YOUR daughters, and I should be with my daughters, and MY SON."

My husband is happiest when everyone is all together (his family and mine), but clearly there are cracks. I have hardly involved him in any of this, and when I have, he has not responded well- he goes on the defense and does not want to hear it. I have not told him how my parents feel, but now I am left alone playing this "between" game (navigating get togethers and making excuses between his family and my family).

If I tell him about how MIL has treated my parents, he will feel hurt; it will ruin something that he loves (holidays and spending time with everyone together). But if I don't tell him, I have to continue to play the "between game" and shoulder the burden and hurt alone. I'm stressed out about it and angry that his mom has caused this.

Obviously... today is a holiday so it's stressful for me.

Any insight to offer?

Me again, see my previous posts.

I’ve taken advice from here and also decided I need to start standing up for myself / family. I have a toddler and newborn. Baby is 5 weeks old. MIL has come twice now, tried a third time but was shut down. Ever since we get weekly texts and calls about arranging visits for herself or her to bring other relatives. They have all had a chance to come the other 2 times she’s come over. She asks us to go there (2 hour drive, 1 each way, I won’t do this). I’ve said to myself, how do we make this go away? I knew my toddlers birthday is coming up (2 weeks away). so I sent a text out about “come over this date, causal birthday for toddler”. I got no response.

Then this morning I get ANOTHER call. “Hi, grandmother so and so would like to come sooner. I’m available to bring her this weekend or next”. ??????!!!!!! WE ARENT VISITING SOONER. I GAVE YOU A DATE. I DONT CARE WHAT GRANDMA SO AND SO WANTS. SHE CAN WAIT!.

As you can tell the pushy naggy bullshit runs in the family, MIL + great grandmas don’t take no for an answer. I’ve taken this sites advice, provide an alternate date. This is what I get!

This is mainly a vent, but I would like some advice. My husband and I planned a trip to Florida with our 4 and 5 year old daughters for some fun family time before their brother is born (I'm 8 months pregnant). We invited my MIL to come along. I don't typically mind her much; she's a little whiney and expects my husband to be doing way more for her since his dad passed, but he's got his own family and career that keeps him busy. She loves my kids and my oldest daughter especially is bonded with her, so I typically let them have weekly sleepovers. We still see her minimum once every couple weeks, and try to see her weekly. Anytime she asks to come over, we tell her to come if we're home. I never try to keep her away.

When we initially asked her to come, we told her we could all ride together and spend the vacation all together. She said she would come, and my kids were excited about it. So we booked the biggest (most expensive) room at the resort so she would have plenty of space. She mentioned getting a rental car via text to my husband so we'd have more space and asked him to call her. He did reply immediately because it was the middle of his work day and he was in meetings. She then text us and said "well since you didn't answer, I guess I'm not coming". He called her after work and she said "I didn't mean to sound hateful, I had just decided I'm too old to go on a long vacation like that. It would be too much for me." I think it was because the first day we were seeing my dad, step-mom, and step-brother, and she doesn't want to have to spend time with my family. She feels awkward around people, and I honestly understand that.

So, even though we booked our room based around her, there were no hard feelings. We planned our trip expecting it to be just us (it's only a 4 day trip). Day one was Jacksonville, as my step-brother lives there. We were all meeting him for his birthday dinner at a hot pot restaurant, and then having an evening beach walk. We stayed at a different hotel for one night, got up and let the girls play at the beach, and then headed to Orlando. Then day two was going to be a full day of resort time, then day 3 was a theme park, and day 4 was a morning resort swim and head home.

The night before we leave for our trip, MIL tells us she's decided to fly into Orlando the night we arrive, and stay with my husband's aunt and uncle and that she hoped we'd still come spend time with her. We told her on our day we planned to have a resort day, we could all meet up for dinner, as we would like to spend time with them while we're down here. She started acting so offended, like we should have wanted to go sit at family's house for a full day on our vacation. She asked if my dad was still with us and acted like we intentionally are avoiding her because of that. We only met my dad for dinner on the first night and then drove 4.5 hours (should have been a 2 hour drive, but traffic) to get to our resort. His aunt and uncle are in their late 80s. I told her it really wasn't fair for my kids to have a huge resort with multiple pools, and make them leave on the only day we have to spend here to sit at his aunt's house. We tried to get them to come to the resort and spend the day, but they didn't want to. We finally settled on meeting somewhere for dinner, but she's obviously upset, and acting like we're awful for not changing our plans for his family. She's acting like his aunt is mad too, and she is honestly unbearable to me. She's a racist bigot and I really don't like being around her, so I couldn't care less about how she feels.

Should we have adjusted more since we initially invited her? My pregnancy hormones are raging, I'm usually pretty chill about things, but I feel like hubs family is being really selfish.