r/JUSTNOMIL

So I do have to say I do not get along with my MIL. also my mom is our full time child care and my in laws live a plane ride away.

She had my entire pregnancy to pick a name. She wanted grandma. She didn’t like that my mom was also going to be grandma. She had a year and a half of being grandma.

They were visiting. My daughter doesn’t always say the ends of words. We try repeating it back to her with the ends so she hears it. So sometimes instead of dad/dada she will say da

On their last day here she decides “I’m not gong to be grandma anymore. I’m gonna be da-ma. She won’t stop saying it. I’m like no that’s going to be confusing. I thought she would drop it.

But then when they got home she said it again. In a text.

NO!! You had the last 2 1/2 years to pick a name! Why do you want to change it. I asked my husband after and he said he thinks it’s because she’s jealous how close my daughter is with my mom.

But like 1. She’s with her for hours every day 2. My MIL doesn’t really put in the effort. She’ll sit away from her. She barely interacts. I’ve never seen her take a picture or say she loves her (or give her any compliments). Like she’s victimizing herself.

Not to mention is she planning on going by two different names? Because my SIL also has a child and there’s no dad on that side…

Hi everyone!! I have a roughly 9 month old (my first) and my MIL went from mildlyno to justno ever since I first got pregnant. I also have a husband problem. She oversteps with boundaries and uses emotional manipulation but my husband has a hard time saying no to her. I've also expressed my frustrations numerous times and we're in therapy as well. My MIL usually visits our home and she only comes when my husband is also home. She came one time while he was working and it was really overwhelming and I did not enjoy it. Now my husband wants us to visit her home with baby. We only went one other time during a family gathering. It feels very daunting having to pack solids for baby to eat, toys, diapers, a pack n' play, etc. I also doubt her home is baby proofed. I'd prefer not to go, but I'm still nursing and I'd like to be there to make sure nothing crazy happens. I honestly don't trust her judgment.

Any advice for dealing with the upcoming visit? I always have major anxiety before the day comes. I feel like she'll try to convince my husband and me to leave to get lunch or something while we're visiting so she can get alone time. She's tried that before and I've always declined. The more she asks, the less interested I am in leaving my baby with her. She's also over an hour away, so I'm not trying to drive all the way there just to leave my baby with her. Any advice would be welcome!!!

I want things to be better. I'm tired of the anxiety and dread when it comes to any family settings with her involved. Tomorrow we're meeting for lunch. Do I suggest moving forward and just not bring up the laundry list of grievances I have from the last 10+ years, how do I avoid conflict or back and forth? I don't want to drag this out, I want to step forward in the right direction, if that means it's performative on her end then so be it. This is consuming me, any advice or wishes are appreciated!

She has said a number of brash and backhanded things to me and that was really the start of my discomfort. She has “joked” about physically harming me. Alluded to my DH past relationships in ways that seem intentional to try and upset me. She’s been intrusive with my pregnancy even repeatedly touching my belly after asking her not to. Most recently she proclaimed very proudly that my SS was the only person who mattered to her and everyone else was an afterthought. It’s so awkward visiting with her bc it’s clear as day I’m not enjoying my time around her.

I also worry a lot about her overstepping/undermining me when our LO is born. This is bc my SS bio mom is completely absent from his life. So she’s been able to play the role of mom completely unchecked for almost his whole life. All of this has caused me to really isolate and withdraw from her. I feel guilty but don’t know how to move forward. I don’t want to give her behavior a pass bc I believe her words and actions have been intentional. On the other hand I find myself asking do I need to just find a way to not let her bother me? How do I do that though?? 

Just needed to have a rant. I am southeast Asian. Been with my husband for almost 5 years and I see my MIL pretty often. At least once a month. She’s met my family and spoken to them. I’ve told her many times where I am from.

Yet somehow every time I see her, she thinks I’m from a different country. She will ask me how is Japan, what is Chinese food like, how is my dad liking life in Thailand, when am I going back to Taiwan, how it’s dangerous in Japan, etc. Every single country but the one I am from lol.

Maybe she is doing this on purpose? Maybe she is just dumb and ignorant. My husband gets mad every time she does this but MIL still does it.

I don’t care what she wants to call me but whenever we have kids, if she ever calls them any ethnicity other than what we are, that will be the last time she sees them. 🤷‍♀️

My husband and I have been struggling with boundaries with his mom and I genuinely don’t know what’s reasonable anymore or how to approach this in a healthy way.

She’s widowed and very emotionally dependent on him, and he carries a huge sense of guilt/responsibility toward her. He has an extremely hard time saying no to her, disappointing her, or prioritizing our relationship when there’s conflict between us and her needs. He seems to feel responsible for managing her emotions and keeping her happy.

To be fair, I do think she has significant social anxiety, and honestly I’ve sometimes wondered if she could even be autistic. I don’t think she’s intentionally manipulative in an obvious way. But despite being uncomfortable socially and dependent on my husband, she still tends to dictate the terms of relationships, family expectations, holidays, visits, and emotional dynamics in a way that feels very centered around her needs - all while being very cold and self centered to me during my pregnancy and postpartum, doesn’t acknowledge deaths in my family, etc.

Meanwhile, I often feel emotionally sidelined and invisible in the dynamic. She can be very loving toward our child, but toward me she tends to be cold, dismissive, critical, or disengaged whenever I talk, but can make jokes in front of me that he should ask his boss for a raise to take his mother on expensive vacations. My husband acknowledges some of it, but often minimizes it because “that’s just how she is” or because she’s nicer to me than she is to other people, and that she has no one and if we are just more kind she will eventually open out of her shell.

What really brought this to a head was that the day after my miscarriage, I was devastated and emotionally overwhelmed and wanted to cancel a dinner at her house because I didn’t have the emotional capacity for a cold environment towards me. It turned into a huge argument because he still felt obligated to go and prioritize his mom’s feelings, and was angry at me for trying to cancel.

There are also financial dynamics where he feels responsible for some of her expenses even though shes very comfortable being cold to me and helping other family members financially even when it creates stress for our own household, as we are in debt and want to save for a house.

I feel like we’re stuck in this pattern where he sees setting boundaries as hurting or abandoning his mom, while I see the lack of boundaries as hurting our marriage and preventing us from functioning as our own nuclear family.

For people who’ve dealt with enmeshment/family guilt dynamics in marriage:
What helped?
What made things worse?
What boundaries are reasonable vs unreasonable?
What should I avoid doing so this doesn’t become a power struggle?
Did your partner eventually recognize the pattern on their own? What did you do to help them really understand it and do something about it?

He isn’t open to individual counselling but he is open to couples counselling so I’ll take what I can get and probably better to be there so that counsellor can see the full picture - we are right now doing consultations to see who might be the right fit and he’s been very open and enthusastic

I’d especially appreciate perspectives from people who’ve been the spouse struggling with guilt toward a parent. Also, what do I do, what do I say in these scenarios where she’s so warm to her kids and my child and cold to me and acts like I don’t exist and I’m all alone during the hardest times but SO will expect us to jump backwards whenever she feels like it.

MIL is a self absorbed failed actress (literally) with baby rabies and has consistently tried to use my 11 month old to re-live her own experience of parenthood. FIL is spineless and refuses to call MIL on any of her shit. Last week I called out their preoccupation/obsession with time spent with the baby and asked them to stop making passive aggressive comments to/around my child about how long it's been since she's seen them, whether she remembers them etc.

This morning MIL called me and gave me my performance review. She ranted for 10 minutes about how I've treated them and acted towards them in the past 11 months since giving birth. Brought up situations from early postpartum that I can't even recall (like my husband directing her on how to correctly hold the baby's head which she felt was condescending, and like us asking her to change a diaper but not telling her where the nappies are which she felt was intended to set her up to fail).

I'm currently nursing a heat stroked baby back to health and I haven't slept a full night in about 1000 years. The performance review was the straw. I ended the call by asking her to not contact us again. Considering sticking to my guns and finally going no contact, but it feels like a big decision, especially as baby's first birthday is coming up. But I can't imagine repairing a relationship with someone so intractable who clearly resents me and who will ambush me with a list of archived grievances. Feeling completely stuck.

So my mom died about 3 weeks ago. She had been in and out of the hospital but her death was still unexpected and very devastating. My MIL sent me condolences pretty shortly after hearing the news. That was initially nice and thoughtful.

For context I live out of state from my parents and my husband and I went immediately to my hometown where my parents live. It was my mother’s wish to be buried as soon as possible in accordance with her faith. I’m also 4 months pregnant too, all the family knows, and my mother thankfully knew.

So mother dies, I’m pregnant, grieving, and we are all there for the funeral, trying to help our father with bills and cleaning up. He’d been the main caretaker for our mother and he asked us to help him sort through her things and clean up.

A day after she dies my MIL texts me and my husband “How’s it going?” I was a little peeved at the causal tone. I know I’m grieving and reading into it maybe a little more. I don’t respond and I don’t give it any more attention. But then a few days after we bury her, my MIL texts us again this time it’s asking us if we want some of her junk. She’s moving houses and states with her husband (my husband’s stepdad) for warmer climate. My husband had to go back to work and I was still at my parents sorting through my dead mom’s things with my siblings and Dad. I was pissed, I told my husband to check his mother. I called my husband crying and told him that his mother was heartless, she is the same age as my mother, and her own mother is still alive. I was livid she was being so casual asking us if we wanted some dumb junk of hers. And how nice it must be for MIL to be happily packing and planning her stupid life. My husband tried to provide some perspective, saying “Well maybe she’s trying to get us to think about the future.” I told him until he or his mother kisses the cold dead body of their mother for the last time I don’t fucking care for their perspective. That shut him up, he apologized, and he spoke to his mother. Not sure what he said but I frankly don’t care.

MIL texted us again about a week after we buried my Mom. She wants to come visit and stay with us for Father’s Day weekend. I did not respond and left it to my husband. I told him privately I don’t really want to see her or be around her. We got into a minor argument about it, he made the point it’s my grief and I’m directing my anger towards his mother. I don’t disagree but I also don’t really care about her feelings and her wants/needs. I still have some time till Father’s Day weekend but I’m really dreading having to spend an extended period of time with her.

I know I’m pregnant and grieving my mother’s death but I’ve gotten much more empathy from complete strangers than my MIL. I recently went and got my hair cut. This woman was so kind to me and shared her mother died a few years ago. My MIL tried calling me on Mother’s Day, I declined her call. I really want little to do with her for some time. Am I crazy? Am I being too much? Am I valid for feeling upset and angry?

**************Edit/Update************************

For clarification purposes, I haven’t spoken or had any contact with MIL. I just don’t think I am in the right space to do that. Lashing out at her isn’t an option and it will only cause everyone including myself, more pain. I can really only talk at length to my spouse, Dad, siblings and a few close friends who have also lost loved ones.

Nor do I think MIL is a bad person or villain in any way. I generally get along with her, she can be a bit passive aggressive and kinda clueless, which my DH has pointed out. But again she’s not a bad person.

After reading some folks comments, I get it and do see I am so raw and just straight up angry at death. I know my anger is misdirected and that happens to be at my MIL. I also find myself getting mad at watching the same commercials when I watch tv as a distraction. But I find it’s much easier to internally laugh at myself for that reaction.

I think I’m just really annoyed at MIL for her own clunky attempts at what I perceive as her rushing my timeline. It’s my mother and my grief. I know she’s lost loved ones, just not her own mother. So how would she know what that experience is like? She simply doesn’t. What she’s “offering” to me feels really shallow. I don’t want her hand me downs, her visit, or her small talk right now.

MIL should be happily planning her move and life, but do I need to see it right now? Not really. I appreciate the perspective everyone has offered. I do really feel like I need time and my own space. Rushing into having a visitor just feels so overwhelming. Or the option of going to visit my father for that weekend sounds very appealing if he’s up for it.

I think I really needed some perspective of folks who don’t know all the details, histories, or the people. This is my first parent to die and just really, really sad and hard. I genuinely thank you internet people for taking the time to listen and allow me to vent.

hi all! i really need to rant but would also appreciate some advice.

my son is almost 6 months (4 months corrected as he was
premature) i used to have a good relationship with my MIL and she was actually a shoulder for me when i had preeclampsia.

during my pregnancy she made possessive remarks over my son i.e saying if she had it her way she’d have my son sleeping in her room or she’d care for him full time knowing i was going to go on MAT leave then remote so id still be able to care for my son. she also told me that my husband was allergic to breastmilk so i would have to buy formula as my son would probably go through the same thing.

i just ignored these comments since we were on good terms but now my son is here i’ve realised i should have taken them more seriously. (with the breastmilk comment, after talking to a midwife while i was pregnant we established this is very false and she only said this to put me off)

when i was discharged after my son was born i stayed with my MIL as me & my husband had not yet had our own place and its like something just switched in how she acted towards me.

as i had preeclampsia i was in hospital for 3 weeks before i was induced and when i had a c section my husband was doing most the care with me only breastfeeding.

i really wanted to get that time back with my baby but MIL wouldn’t give me any privacy. very pushy for me to come downstairs just so she could be around the baby even though i was in a lot of pain and it hurt to keep going up and down.

i purchased my son a moses basket but he did not like sleeping in it and it was very low so me and hubby ended up buying a next to me crib. i made it clear i would give the moses basket away to a mum in need yet she took it and set it up in her room.

for christmas i wanted to go to my mums as i hadn’t seen my her or my siblings in a very long time but i got so much backlash from this.

i had my MIL and SIL send my husband long messages about how i took away their first christmas with my son and that i am selfish.

i was genuinely so shocked and confused but my husband was on my side and he told them that i can go where ever i please with our son and there’s no debate but this didn’t stop anything.

any time i went anywhere with my son i was continually questioned and monitored on MILs ringdoor bell, if i stayed in the bedroom, MIL would complain to my husband or she’d ask my husbands auntie what i had been doing all day.

she’d also constantly make remarks about me being a mum, apparently i’m wiping him wrong when i change him and he’s not wearing enough layers and i shouldn’t go for walks if it’s too cold.

she made comments about my body as well, when i was pregnant she’d be quite sly with them i.e “you can tell this woman is pregnant but you just look chubby.” and after postpartum how i should go back to the gym like i was doing before because i look big. again i didn’t say anything.

i didn’t feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of MIL or my husbands auntie who lives with her which is why i stayed mainly in the bedroom but i always left the door open (they wouldn’t be able to see me from the bed) so that they knew they were welcome to see him. (i also expressed this to them)

i spoke to my husband about how the things his mum has been saying to me and he did have a conversation with his mum where she acknowledged she was doing too much but she never apologised and instead decided to only make remarks when my husband wasn’t around.

when it was just me and her and i had asked her to hold my son, she kept saying to him “you’re going to love me more than you love your mum. she’s just a milk machine isn’t she!”

genuinely wish i was lying..

me and my husband took a trip to southend and we were again bombarded with long texts from both MIL and SIL about how we’re keeping our son from them and they want to see him. they both said that if they don’t they will have a lot of resentment for me.

i’ve had MIL say to my husband i am a snake and just talk bs behind my back. to me i feel like she’s trying to relive being a mum through my son and she’s upset i’m not giving her that control.

it’s crazy how it’s not even just MIL it’s her daughter too. i did confront both MIL and SIL and expressed how uncomfortable they make me feel and how a baby should be with mum. i expressed they’re welcome to see him anytime but that doesn’t need to exclude me and i also expressed how the talking behind my back and calling me names wasn’t appreciated.

SIL then flipped it on me and said i was talking about them (which i wasn’t ??) and said that i made her feel uncomfortable. her whole message to me explaining how i felt about her and her mum acting possessive over my son was just her flipping it on me instead of taking any accountability and then lying and saying they didn’t say xyz even though i had the messages from husbands phone.

around january i got very sick of the dynamic and the drama along with MILs comments that i told her i know what i’m doing in a firm tone. to this MIL just stopped talking to me and just kept running to her daughter who kept sending more paragraphs every week. eventually couldn’t take it and i moved out with my son in february.

initially my husband did not join us as he went from defending me to taking his mum and sisters side. he said that we’re all a family and that i need to let them see baby. i explained to him again, i have never stopped anyone from seeing him but i don’t get why they feel they need to have alone time to be spending time with him especially when he’s fully breastfed.

his mum and his sister were causing a lot of tension between us so i wasn’t only going back and forth with them but with my husband too. tbh, i really started to resent my husband as i just felt like they were all teaming up on me for being a mum and he just kept trying to keep the peace at my expense.

i feel like the beginning stage of a newborns life is so precious, it’s time you can’t experience again. everyday he’s doing something new and i’m a FTM so i just wanted to enjoy it and bond with my boy and instead i am being bashed constantly.

i had a honest conversation with my husband and we were able to reconcile and we’re now living together. i haven’t seen or spoken to his mum since we left but my husband went back 2 weeks ago and his mum exploded on him saying it’s his fault that she can’t see our baby and she needs to see him urgently with regular contact meaning a whole day with just them two.

my husband did say that this wasn’t possible as baby is breastfed but she’s arguing with him which is making him take it out on me.

i felt so free from her after i left and i’ve enjoyed being a mum. thinking about his mum coming over or us seeing her makes me want to cry.

the woman is even still talking about me so negatively to this day. it was my husbands birthday last friday and instead of asking if we had anything planned, i can hear her on the phone to my husband laughing about it’s a shame he has to have my cooking on his birthday.

it’s just unnecessary comments like this. she is very much a mean girl and just puts me down whenever she can.

i just find it so weird how she can go from being nice to me to suddenly acting like this after i have my son.

i don’t want to end things with my husband but he’s really forcing this whole repair things with my mum and sister but i don’t want too.

i don’t want them in my life and it just puts me off having any more children with him in the future because i know it will be another repeat. i’m 24 and i just didn’t imagine my life to be like this.

i’ve danced around seeing his mum but as she’s a teacher and half term is coming up i know she’s going to be calling him to ask when she can see the baby so i don’t know what to do. i just don’t want to be in that headspace or feel the depression i went through in that situation again.

i just get an overwhelming sense of anxiety and i know he won’t cut his family off or go no contact so ill have to eventually face her but i just don’t want it to be now :(

It’s been about two months since MIL kissed baby after our 5th fight about her doing such. If you’ve followed my story at all, she was watching baby 10 days per month whilst DH and I WFH. That ended after she kissed baby again and baby and I haven’t seen her since. DH tried to reach out to his parents a few times and visited alone once, but they have been very dismissive and not interested, so he’s finally realised he needs to stop chasing after them.

Today he showed me a message from MIL asking for pictures of baby. Just out of the blue - no “how are you?” etc. When he had asked her how she was in the past, she would just say “good. Why?”

He is annoyed that they feel entitled to pictures after making no attempts to repair things with us. He has decided to ignore the message and talk about it in therapy. This is kind of just a rant like why on earth would we send you a photo of our baby right now??? So you can send to your friends and pretend you took it?

i wish we could move far away from her . I’m always stressed of the forceful feeling of us having to see his parents with our daughter . his mom is toxic and controlling and manipulative . my husband hates her and resents her SOOOOO Much . but ALWAYS ends up giving in eventually or falling for her emotional manipulation tactics . i just can’t stand knowing were gonna have to see her eventually ugh . the last time we saw her she stormed out of Panera .. why? becuase she crossed a boundary multiple times after being told no and she can’t stand not being in control . she’s the most selfish person I’ve ever met and worst mom to my husband growing up and i j don’t want my daughter period but i only do it for him . anyone else

So please forgive me for being in a bit of a cynical mindset at the moment but I do think I deserve to be like this after the year I’ve had lol.

So DH ended up blocking MIL after her latest rant about me, reaching out to my family, and her trying to blackmail him some more. She loves to refer to “keeping his secrets” when it’s a situation she doesn’t know about but makes assumptions and I already know about.

Husband let FIL know he blocked her and FIL went on a rant about how she’s trying to make up but I’m making it clear I don’t want to reconcile and he knows I’m going to make him cut off his whole family. His choice words were “these dayum females”.

After this I wrestled with my conscience and decided to text her to let her know I just want space and that I’m not trying to take DH from the family or her. I got no response and, come to find out, FIL has blocked me on Facebook so now we’ve come full circle.

I don’t get it they wanted me to contact her but when I do I get blocked? I think my calmness of reaching out didn’t fit her narrative of me so they imploded. I’m just not sure what to do. They are tearing their own family apart to continue to blame me. I know it’s not mine to fix but I don’t know how to fix it.

Hi all! Freshly NC with my MIL after posting on this sub and finally coming to terms with how awful our situation has been postpartum.

Just wanted to rant because my MIL has tried to use the argument to literally anyone that will listen to her that I became a completely different person after having my baby.

Ummmm isn’t that the point??!! I deleted my main post about it but- the fam drama started when I LIKED an instagram post about pp support starting with the words “nothing is as transformational as motherhood”

The IRONY of her argument now. L-o-l

I knowww she’s only mad about it because I used to have no backbone and no boundaries and none of my own family in town and was 100% a people pleaser for her and the rest of the family just trying to be accepted and she still had full control and equal consideration with DH as I did as his partner. I’m realizing that in her eyes I was simply the incredibly “easy-going and isolated from my own family” accessory that didn’t interfere with her control of him since he had zero boundaries either.

Motherhood made me finally grow a backbone and start enforcing boundaries, so she’s mad because the complete open field I used to be for her to run all over now has boundaries.

Anyways! Anyone else like this with their MIL? used to be extremely selfless to the point of self abandonment, did all the things for them because I genuinely wanted to, tried to organize family stuff with them myself, and now that’s even twisted by her that I was “love bombing” and that my boundaries and bluntness after having a baby are who I really am?!

Insane.

I posted in this thread a while back about issues with my in-laws. Newborn baby, moving across the country, and behavior that had significantly impacted both me and my DH's well-being.

We moved to my DH's home state last month, where his parents reside for half of the year. We moved away from the other state that they reside for the other half. The conflict with my in-laws has spiraled me into pretty dark postpartum depression. Together, me and my DH have cut off his family for months, but with them returning to town shortly, they have been encouraging contact, offering apologies and claiming that they are learning and growing and things will get better. Had a phone call with them last weekend where for a little bit I was convinved...maybe they can change.

They insist that communication with them about what they are doing wrong is the key, and that we need to stop shutting them out and communicate. Their emotional depth and empathy is skin deep - I have no faith that they will be able to change given their patterns over the years. They truly just DONT GET IT. They have no insight into their harmful comments and behaviors, manipulation and control. This hurts my DH, but he understands, it's just hard for him to handle the seeming hopelessness of it all.

Despite the period of hell they put us through with a newborn baby, they still say they are confused about why I feel unsafe and don't trust them. They pushed for reconciliation last weekend, as they are moving back into town for 6 months starting in a few days. I waver between hopeful and pessiminstic, like my DH, constantly in a cycle of turmoil that has been going on for years. We get pulled in, some time passes that is good, and it starts over again. In this state, after hearing them cry, I pulled back in and apologized, told them we can "reset". Then a few days later, FIL is already starting up again with behaviors we thought we had addressed. It never ends. I feel like I'm insane.

To complicate things, my baby is nearly 4 months and I sense a creepy sense of entitlement about their relationship with him. Back in my old post I mentioned that they had said "leave him at the door, we don't want you we want him!". And further, MIL had what I am convinced is a freudian slip the other day about guardianship..."how can she not trust us, she wanted us to be guardians only a few months ago!" Genuinely bewildered by that statement, I absolutely did not say that, and the concept of guardianship and me and/or DH passing away in a state where I have no family is genuinely terrifying. I've looked into it legally - because I have no family around, if anything were to happen to me or my husband despite what's in our estate planning, because they are close, wealthy and are the only relatives in the state with our son there would be a solid chance they or his sister could be his guardians if anything were to ever happen. This is absolutely terrifying to me.

I genuinely feel like I am losing my mind. I have nothing else left to give. We want to enjoy our baby, our lives together, our new city. Somehow I am keeping it together for our little guy, and he is happy and healthy. But the truth is, if we learned how dark and destructive they could be before I gave birth, we would have never gone forward with this move to a place where they spend time. We would've stayed, or moved far away. Their mask slipped deeply weeks after I gave birth --after our move was already in place and settled. Their behavior had never escalated to those heights before and I'm so mad at myself with not following my gut that it was a bad idea before we officially left...

Me and my husband are in an incredibly fragile state. I have weekly therapy that's been going on for years (mind you, most of it is about his family) and my DH is actively searching for a therapist. He's incredibly supportive but grieving and in denial about how harmful his family will be if we remain in contact -- it's painful for him, and he feels like they have died, and here we are in the city where he was raised. A place that we thought we could have peace after a pretty difficult year where we were pushed out of our apartment with only a month or two left before giving birth. Our move took so much out of us financially and emotionally.

We don't deserve this. I need to protect my family. Outside the support of a skilled therapist and couples therapist, I want input. Validation. Anything to help us navigate this before we find a skilled couples therapist to help.

DH said this today: "I can’t really live like this, without actively doing something to make our situation better. Is there anything I can do right now with my parents?" We feel desperate. We already cut them off for months, reconnected, and now feel like we're going to have to do it again because my feelings about their behavior is that it will NEVER CHANGE. My mental health and physically health will chip away at the expense of giving them chances. It already has. Husband's enmeshment makes him more or less used to this -- but he sees how much it is hurting me and understands their behavior comes at a cost to him, and it always has, but he doesn't know what to do. The concept of never speaking to his family again puts him into a state of deep despair.

My Mom feels rejected in cohabitation situation with my Girlfriend.

My girlfriend and I have been together for about a decade. For most of our relationship, we have lived with one of my parents in one way or another.

Because of personal circumstances in my mom's life, we had offered to let her stay with us a little over 2 years ago (with the implied goal of her finding alternative housing and this being an emergency housing situation until she gets into public housing or figures something out)

My mom is disabled and has a complicated health/benefits situation. The issue is that she keeps doing things that could hurt her own stability, and then reacts badly when I try to set boundaries around it.

Some examples:

• My mom talks negatively about public housing accommodations, which makes it seem like she may not be willing to compromise enough to live independently or may not be willing to move to a lower income area.

• My mom does physical labor outside without asking for help, which could create problems with her benefits if a private investigator drives by.

• That physical labor also seems to make her need more help later because she gets sore or hurts herself and is potentially not following post-op care instructions.

• It feels like a cycle where she resists things that would help her stay independent, does things that could put her stability at risk,

and then she refuses to ask me for help because she thinks we don't want her here and acts like she is a burden when I have adamantly demanded that she ask for more help when she needs it instead of her doing it herself and hurting herself.

The boundary I have tried to set is simple:

I do not want my mom talking about her benefits or healthcare situation in front of my girlfriend.

Those conversations stress my girlfriend out, and she has already told me she is tired of having to leave the room when they come up. My mom has crossed that line a few times.

The hard part is that when I try to hold the boundary, my mom takes it as proof that we hate her or want her gone. Instead of respecting the boundary, it turns into martyrdom. She acts like she is being rejected completely, when what I am actually asking is for her not to bring up certain topics around my girlfriend and to avoid doing anything which would look bad to the company that manages her Private Disability Benefits.

My mom is obviously embarrassed and feels terrible about having to stay with us in the first place. There's a chance that my mom thinks I'm going to take her side because of her medical issues.

Part of this is probably made worse by the fact that I have been staying low contact with my mom inside the house. I do that because I am trying to avoid conversations that will spiral or give my girlfriend something else to stress over. But I can see how that also reinforces my mom’s belief that we hate her. I also am terrible at remembering her birthday/mother's day/and generally have not involved her in any holidays.

I have already told her I would like her to start looking at other housing options, and seeing what she can qualify for with the goal of getting her independent by the end of the year.

There is another boundary I have not said out loud yet:

if my mom loses her benefits because of choices she was warned about, I am not willing to step in and take over responsibility for her. I know that may sound harsh, but I do not think I can let her choices become an unlimited responsibility for me and my girlfriend.

I am trying to figure out how to handle this without turning it into my girlfriend vs. my mom.

The advice I am looking for is:

How do I enforce a boundary with my mom when she turns the boundary into proof that we hate her?

I would especially appreciate advice on what to say in the moment when she brings up benefits/healthcare around my girlfriend after I have already asked her not to, and how to respond when she slips into martyrdom instead of just respecting the boundary.

TLDR:

My disabled mom lives with us and keeps crossing a boundary about not discussing benefits/healthcare around my girlfriend. When I enforce it, she acts like it means we hate her or want her gone. I have also told her I want her to find somewhere else to go by the end of the year. I need advice on holding the boundary without escalating the martyrdom cycle.

All of Mom's stuff is already packed and ready to go.

I would like to know what you would have done if you were in my shoes.

So, after I gave birth to my baby, I wasn’t allowed to go home because according to their tradition, I had to stay and sleep at my mother-in-law’s house.

Once we were there, my baby was passed around from arm to arm like a ball. Nobody even asked me if I was okay with visitors — the baby was simply shown to everyone. After about a week, there was constant criticism about my breastfeeding, and they kept telling me I should pump milk so my mother-in-law could feed the baby with a bottle.

I told my husband how I felt, and his response was, “I feel sorry for my mother.” That made me upset, and I finally said, “Enough is enough, I’m going home.”

When I went home, there was another argument — this time about the baby’s name. His family had already decided on a name they wanted, while I, as the mother, didn’t feel like it suited my child. I wanted us to choose a name together that felt right for both of us, but they were against that and refused to accept it.

I also want to add that my mother-in-law bathed my baby. I wasn’t even allowed to bathe my own child, even though the baby was less than a week old and honestly too young for that.

Then I started being exposed on social media. My face was posted publicly because I finally started standing up for myself.

When I finally got some peace at home and felt like I could enjoy my little baby bubble and bond with my child, my mother-in-law called a friend of hers who is a doctor and started claiming that I had postpartum psychosis.

She then came to my home and questioned whether I wanted to harm myself or my baby, simply because I asked people to respect my need for alone time with my child after being overwhelmed by constant visitors and people walking all over me.

My husband did not stand by my side through any of this because my mother-in-law had told him that a woman must follow the man.

What would you have done? How would you have reacted?

This spring, I attended the funeral of my future MIL’s father with my fiancé, which was held at their Catholic parish. When the mass concluded, everyone headed to the parlor for the meal. During the meal, I noticed that my FMIL was particularly interested in my fiancés cousins baby. She was having a good time entertaining her with her toys and bouncing her up and down, so I really did not think anything serious of it at first. She then later went on a walk with the baby, which the parents gave consent for. It wasn’t until after the day ended and we returned to my fiancés parents house that I found out the truth of what happened. My FMIL told my fiancé that she had taken the said baby to the priest and had it BAPTIZED. Now I did some googling about how baptism works and it said that consent of the parents is usually needed, but some sites said it wasn’t, so who knows if it’s even valid. Regardless, still not okay. I asked him if the baby’s parents knew or gave permission, and he said no. I am absolutely appalled. Additionally, the parents of the baby are not religiously affiliated, which makes this action even more completely unacceptable.. Since then, I’ve even heard her talk with friends and relatives how “nobody baptizes their kids anymore, and nobody goes to church.” It makes me wonder about my future in this family, as I am not Catholic and have discussed with my fiancé that I will not convert/raise our kids in the church.

edit: Grandma* for the title :)

My MIL provides childcare 1-3 times per week while I work part-time. (My husband and I both work from home(he works full-time.)) In addition to this, she constantly invites us to do things with her and her husband, or invites herself to come to things that we are doing.

We almost always politely turn her down because we feel that she gets to spend plenty of time with her grandson, and us, in our home every week.

MIL is a lovely person. I genuinely love her, even though she gets under my skin sometimes. I feel badly that I’m constantly declining her invites or having to reject her baits to join in on our plans, but I feel like my family and I never have the opportunity to do something special without her trying to be part of it.

I know some of you will suggest an info diet, but many times it’s not that simple. For example, there’s posters everywhere for our local county fair. She has separately suggested to me, then my husband, then me again, that maybe she could come up and come to the fair with us. None of us have confirmed. I think it should be pretty obvious we don’t want her to come, but clearly it’s not.

I guess I feel guilty because I feel like maybe I’m taking advantage of her to take care of my son while I’m working, but then she doesn’t get to come to the special things because I’ve had enough of her presence because she’s always here watching my son. A catch 22 I guess.

So, in cases like this, do I just invite her to the damn fair and embrace her as part of my fam, or do I deserve to have some things sacred with my nuclear family?

As for DH, he will diffuse situations as he sees they’re needed, but he’s busier with work than I am, so a lot of times I get out on the spot in 1:1 conversations with MIL and I feel too weird responding “yeah why don’t you talk with DH about it.”

So… yeah give it to me straight how do I hold a boundary in a way that feels natural and respectful to a relentlessly intrusive person that I love? Thanks for your ideas.

I literally posted today about how MIL kept posting photos after I told her to stop. And asking advice how people set the boundaries about grandparents posting.

My parents luckily don't have social media and FIL as well. So I basically had to have the talk with MIL AGAIN! (Father of LO is an asshole and a mama's boy and just says yes to everything his mother wants. That's why I'm not turning to him to talk to his mother. )

I told her firmly I will not tolerate her posting photos of my baby. She came back with the most shit response. If she can't post photos of the baby then they'll be missing out on seeing the baby grow up.

I was like excuse me how is your math mathing? I didn't say I'm not sending you photos anymore. I'm asking you to use your brain and stop posting photos on your social media.

She then came up with this thing about if we still send her photos over WhatsApp the location can still be tracked so she doesn't understand why I don't want her to post photos if I keep sending them.

I send her 99.9% of the photos. I told her of she keeps giving me these shit answers and trying to cross my boundaries she'll never see a single photo of my baby again because her son DOESNT TAKE PHOTOS OF THE BABY or send her. He asked me to do it every time.

She came up with something else. Like how are all her family members going to see. And I said Sheila you're done (name not Sheila). You've just lost the privilege of photos to your grand child until you can tell me you understand my boundaries.

I even sent her videos on this. Of the porn that's being made with these photos and she still comes with this shit .

So now I'm apparently very mean and cruel and I said fuck you and blocked her again. I'm so mad right now. Why is it that they don't understand our boundaries

So my MIL was upset my husband said she shouldnt sell her house last year. Then immediately after for no legitimate reason she stopped paying all her bills and let it go into foreclosure. The next day she tried to kill herself.

We helped her work through this for months. Then the more we found out, the more it didn’t make sense. We got the house out of foreclosure. She then silently sold the house and moved in with her friend. This whole situation has been completely traumatic and exhausting for my family.

Now we’re also moving. She wants to be involved and help us move, but I want to do this in peace. She has the personality that has to micro manage everything, and somehow make it about her. We’re moving this week and we work mutiple jobs and have a young child. She hasn’t texted/called me in months as she quietly listed the house for sale and didn’t tell us until she had an offer.

Now WE are moving this week and she hasn’t stopped texting me and was fishing today for our new address. My husband told her we don’t need her help with moving, but that hasn’t stopped the calls. Does this sound like traits of a narcissist? She also keeps continually suggesting to my husband that I should get a full time job and she can work from our new home and pick up my kid from school even though she lives 35 minutes away and is mentally unstable. I’m not allowing her to watch our kid right now at all anyway. So it feels like she’s trying to figure out a way to control our life now that she messed up hers and is probably bored without her house and the drama/trauma has settled.

Easter we both worked and she was insanely upset we didn’t make plans for her to come over. Then Mother’s Day came around, we both had work again but we made sure to take her out so she wouldn’t lose her shit again.

I for some reason feel bad ignoring her texts, but I’m truly busy and I really do not want her help with this big part of our life. Should I feel bad? Am I the bad guy for not wanting her help right now?

Sorry if any of this sounded bad. I’m just so exhausted at this point. Thanks if you took the time.