r/JUSTNOMIL

My fiancé made the decision to put a tiny home on the property for his mother to live in despite me saying no and expressing how unhappy I am with the idea.

We've been together 7 years, engaged for two. His mother doesn't have a partner and never has been able to really be independent. She doesn't drive, doesn't know how to do basic things like sort her banking, get groceries or anything really. She relies on my fiancé to do it all for her.

When I first met him, his mother lived in the house with him. She had lived there for 10 years. When he asked me to move in, I said no. I'm not living with his mother. So we rented a small flat on our own for a year while she lived in his house. Then we moved her to a small flat round the corner and we moved into the house. She wasn't happy and started to get "sick". So she moved into a friend's house. Then she moved again, and again.

She has never made any effort to get to know me. Never asks me about myself or how I am. Every time she comes over she sits there on her phone watching videos on Facebook. I try to talk to her and I get one-worded responses. I feel like she doesn't even like me.

When me and SO got engaged I was over the moon with happiness and filled with lots of love. He soon after brought up the idea of a tiny home. I was apprehensive at first. Then the more I thought about the idea the more I hated it. The problem is, his house was purchased and put into a family trust long before I came along. So I had no say whatsoever.

A year ago we had a huge fight about him wanting to put her in the tiny home on the property. I didn't want it. But he went ahead and did it anyway. The house arrives at the end of this month and we are supposed to get married next March.

Every time I try to express how it makes me feel he dismisses my feelings, doesn't acknowledge that the decision should have been made together and keeps saying it'll be fine and he doesn't know why I'm worried. I cannot get through to him no matter what I say or how I word it.

On top of it all, she has two other adult children and none of them give a flying f about her. They never visit, never contribute, never even contact her. My fiancé is fronting everything and will be the primary caregiver when she can't physically look after herself anymore.

I am so angry. I feel betrayed. He made this massive decision without me, despite my protests. I am seriously considering selling all my stuff and leaving even though it will cost me tens of thousands in non-refundable wedding deposits and moving costs. Not to mention losing half my retirement funds and coming away with nothing because all his assets are protected by the family trust.

What do I do? Suffer for next how ever many decades living 2 meters away from needy dependant MIL and accept that I am not the priority in our relationship, or cut my losses, have my heart shattered to pieces and end things with the love of my life?

This is long sorry.

I don't know if this appropriate to post here I'm just feeling lost and looking for advice I guess.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Married for 2. We have a beautiful daughter who is 1.5 yr old and I'm also now 4 months pregnant.

We have had our ups and downs, some pretty massive fights but we have got through it and things have been pretty consistent and healthy for a while. My husband has always had a temper but has made a large effort to work on it and I'm really grateful for that until now. I have forgiven a lot throughout our relationship but I think I've had enough.

It all started because I sent a text to my MIL asking if she can keep her 2 small dogs in another room when my daughter is visiting because they are aggressive. One has previously bit someone's face and both are very aggressive towards other dogs so just have a generally unsafe nature and I dont want them round my child.

This simple request turned into an absolute mammoth drama and now I think I'm going to divorce my husband.

My MIL did not respond to me and instead went through my husband so it's hard to know exactly what she said as I didn't hear it from her. But basically she and my husband have said that ' they didn't find what I said bad but the way I did it ( texting ) was rude and I should have spoken to her face to face like an adult '. They also twisted what I had said and said she wouldn't be allowed to see my daughter if the dogs were there. This is entirely untrue I just asked for them to be put in a separate room at all times.

I want to add I have pretty severe anxiety and OCD and I have kept myself up many hours of the night worrying myself sick about my child being hurt by these dogs. ( I know this is not normal ) But it doesn't take away the fact they are still actively dangerous, my brain just doesn't let me relax.

MIL apparently defended said bite by saying the woman who got bitten had tried to pet the dog whilst it was 'sleeping'. Absolute ludicrous excuse. Like a toddler will have the capacity to think about this ..... So she's just completely in denial about these dogs which makes the situation even more dangerous because I don't trust they would take necessary precautions.

Regardless of this madness, my husband lost his temper when he found out I messaged my MIL. He became quite violent and exploded into a rage, smashing stuff, hitting objects ( he did not physically hurt me or our daughter), shouting lots of verbal abuse. It was frightening none the less and hasn't happened in a very long time... I thought that behaviour was long gone.

He won't admit it but he has clearly taken his mother's side and regurgitating the absolute rubbish she has said to him about why she's upset. None of what is being said by them even makes sense. She is clearly just making an issue of the request to keep dogs separate because she doesn't want to.

I won't go into it but this isn't the first time I have felt significantly unsupported by him when trying to set boundaries with his family. He gets very defensive and very mad. When my daughter was born I found their behaviour very self serving and stresseful and I was just told I was being unreasonable.

Since all of this I have just had enough. I set 2 conditions for my husband. 1- do something, anything to work on his anger. 2- support me as his wife, even if it's related to his family. Nothing I have asked if him has been to much or unreasonable. ( please tell me if I'm wrong ) For example, to save myself the stress I had with my first, I'd like to have no visitors after the birth of my 2nd for atleast 1 or 2 weeks. - husband says this unfair to his family, unreasonable and no one he has spoken to agrees with me. I have tried to explain how intense postpartum can be and that I'm genuinely not trying to be a bitch and even if he doesn't understand why I feel a certain way, he should just support me anyway ( within reason ofc )

He has strongly and bluntly said no to both requests, he defended his anger outburst by saying that it hasn't happened in a long time and only happened because I had pissed him off so bad - pretty shocking response.

And will not budge on defending his family and just said this can all be fixed if I just stop being difficult.

I think it could be the end of us.

As a last attempt to save this marriage because I do love him, he's a great dad and despite this temper and mummy issues, we have a good relationship day to day, I asked if he'd consider marriage counselling. He said maybe.

I feel pregnant and hormonal and lonely and gas lit and tired and sad. Do I stick to my guns and keep some self respect or do I just let it all go to keep my family together.

Just no GMIL texted this to my husband while trying to convince him to let her move in with us. We’ve been married for 13 years.

No, she is not moving in, there was never any chance of that - my husband was up front with her about that but she wasted time trying to persuade him, she was convinced that I was making the decision and pushing it on to him. Somehow she thought this was persuasive

My second favorite line in this argument: “If you were really the head of your household, I would be moved in here already”.

I’m loosing it. Since our baby was born, my MIL has been coming up to visit every two to three weeks. Mind you, that could be nice she generally means well and loves the baby, but she has just been so hard to be around lately. We live in a major city a full plane ride away from her, so how did she solve this "distance" problem?
She decided to rent a whole ass apartment close enough to walk to our place just so she can come over whenever she wants.
There has been tension brewing for the past year, and it’s getting worse by the day. I’ve always felt like she’s trying to low key play the mother role to my baby, but that’s a whole other story. For the past year, she has frequently stepped over boundaries and judged our parenting decisions. A couple of examples:
The Secret Stroller: My husband and I had a detailed conversation with her explaining that she didn’t need to buy a second stroller for her apartment because she can use our primary one. What does she do? She decides she doesn't like our UppaBaby menu stroller, buys a different one anyway, and doesn't tell us. How did we find out? She went out to the zoo with our nanny and sent us a picture of our baby in the fucking stroller she bought behind our backs and apparently told our nanny she "doesn’t like our primary stroller" 🙄.
The Nanny Triangulation: She has gotten way too cozy with our nanny so she can bypass us to get access to the baby. She claims it’s "so she doesn’t bother us while we’re working" to ask if she can tag along with them, but I think it’s pretty weird. They’ve started talking on the phone and staying in touch even when MIL isn't in town. This is a massive boundary issue we haven’t figured out how to fix yet, but I am not okay with it.
And then there was the most recent visit...
We asked her to watch our daughter for a day while we were out. I wrote a brief, normal note on the whiteboard about the foods the baby is trying and a heads-up about a draft in the baby’s room so she could keep an eye on the temperature. Useful into especially when you don’t live in our apartment!
A few days later, she lost her shit and had an argument with my husband about how I "don’t think she’s competent" and am apparently a "helicopter mom" for leaving a written note. WTF?! ALL BC OF THE WHITE BOARD NOTE!
To top it all off, she literally asked my husband if I was "holding séances" because I put up Halloween decorations. (She’s an evangelical Christian who doesn’t celebrate Halloween mind you, she calls my husband’s ex a "witch that’s into witchy devil worship" which she isn't). So I felt like that was kind of a dig.
She left just last week, and now she’s planning to fly right back up and visit again in a week and she’s staying for 10 to 14 days this time 😩.
I am dreading it. Every time she comes, there is manufactured drama, boundary stomping, and passive-aggressive digs, even if her heart is technically in the right place. How do I handle a MIL who literally moved into my neighborhood part-time just to hover? I want to scream.

I'm seeing lots of posts already about MILs forcing OPs to come to MIL's Christmas for grandbaby's first Christmas. Not round here, partner!

We do every other Christmas with my family and his. However, I am newly pregnant and no one knows yet. I offered to spend Christmas with his family again this year even though we did last year. This way, next year, when MIL tries to pull something, i will have ammo to say "well, we went to yours twice in a row. It's my parents turn."

Oh I'm experienced in her guilt trips at this point. I'm planning Christmas 27 already, MIL! And it's not about you! Christmas this year is gonna be so sweet knowing that my baby won't have to spend it with her next year. It's a bummer that she has made me have to be so conniving, but I'm not going to spend such a special first with her and her opinions.

We have had issues with MIL being controlling and manipulative on and off in the past 15 years (okay, mostly on), but over the last year or so I thought we had gotten to a better place. Apparently not...

She was just in town for the weekend as she's been talking about buying a second home in our area and wanted to check out a few places (that's a whole other story). We have been supportive of her doing this because it seemed like things were improving, and I thought my husband had gotten better at boundary setting (spoiler: also, apparently not).

We had a weekend of quality time-- meals out, local events, etc -- in addition to the regularly scheduled activities our kids attend. We were exhausted, but things seemed like they went well. We were good hosts, especially for a last minute visit, but this is not something I can do all the time. Now she's trying to nail us down for monthly visits.

As soon as she arrived home, she began trying to plan visits for the few couple months. I was already recovering from this visit, and hadn't done my planner yet, but knew November was way busy for this. We don't want to make Thanksgiving plans, and I have told her several times I don't like making Thanksgiving plans. I reiterated that on this visit as well.

Thanksgiving has always been a pain point with her, in fact, two years ago she made Thanksgiving plans with extended family in our area and got extremely upset when we didn't participate, despite my husband telling her not to count on us being there. This kicked off a year of very little contact and extreme tension, which we have only recently moved past.

My husband, trying to gently let her down, sent a message talking about having a lot of "moving parts," in November, mentioning various commitments, and that he doesn't see a "good window" for a visit right now. I don't know why he didn't just say "November doesn't work" and leave it at that.

Without any buy in from us, she immediately started contacting family who live near us to discuss Thanksgiving plans with them and then tried to involve us. Instead of plainly reiterating we are not available, my husband decided to just ignore her messages. Left to her own devices, and with no one to pump the brakes, she then escalated things further by booking a hotel room by our house. At this point, my husband finally responded saying that just isn't a good weekend for us, but she did not engage with that message. After a day of silence from her, she has now texted about something completely unrelated and changed the subject.

I have no idea what's going on with her at this point. I suspect that in the absence of acknowledgement to his last message, she's moving forward with these plans and trying to rope us into it. I'm torn between shutting it down myself or letting my husband continue kicking the can down the road.

He's a quiet, passive guy, but I have been letting him handle all of these situations because I resent the stress and having to micromanage. However, he doesn't handle things the way I would (directly or quickly), which drags it out and causes more drama in the long run. It's making me super anxious and I feel that because he ignored all her planning messages thinking she'd take a hint instead of shutting it down, he is partly to blame. She is certainly unhinged here, but direct communication could have (maybe?) nipped it in the bud.

I'm worried if he continues to ignore all of this, she is going to come all the way out here only for him to then tell her to buzz off again, pissing her off and making us look bad to extended family when people wonder why she traveled to be near us and we won't see her. I feel straight up cornered and manipulated by this situation. Do I let this play out only to face more drama when I'm supposed to be enjoying a holiday with my family next month? Insist that my husband be more direct? Or play backup to my husband's gentle "no" with a more firm one?

Genuinely, this is all really stressing me out and it's been 3 days of it. I can't deal with weeks more. I want to know she isn't coming, or at least understands clearly that we will not be seeing her if she chooses to travel.

I made this post 3-4 months ago regarding a very late (and forced) apology from my MIL in the form of a card...where she didn't even really apologize for what I was hurt over. I responded and was overly nice but still honored my boundary by saying what I was actually hurt about and said we could move forward with that understanding. No response.

Fast forward 3-4 months, and I've heard absolutely nothing from her.

My birthday was this past week. She sent a card, but interestingly, no text. Every other year she's done both. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but part of me wonders if she skipped the text because she knew she'd never responded to my previous message.

Despite that, I reached out to her today. I thanked her for the card, referenced my earlier message, and asked if we were on the same page and able to move forward. In my mind, I practically handed her a roadmap for repairing the relationship. She didn't have to guess what was wrong, defend herself, or navigate a difficult conversation. All she had to do was acknowledge my feelings and respond. Instead, nothing.

A few months ago, I told my husband that her lack of response left me feeling like things were unresolved. To his credit, he hasn't pushed me to pretend everything is fine, even though I know he'd prefer if we could all move forward. I haven't told him about today's text yet because I wanted to see if she would respond first.

At this point, I'm honestly at a loss. For someone who claims she wants a relationship with me and wants everything to be okay, she seems completely unwilling to do the one thing that would actually help us get there: acknowledge what hurt me and have a conversation about it. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do besides continue no contact and accept that she's choosing not to engage.

I had my babyshower today, and every time I see my mum she just creeps me out more and more and I dread what she's going to be like as a grandma.

She started the babyshower by giving a big speech about how we're all there because we all love the baby and want to give it a big welcome, then said and for me since the baby's still in me... Like I wouldn't have been at my own baby shower if I wasn't pregnant, it was purely for the baby.

She's also a perpetual over buyer which always sounds ungrateful if you haven't experienced an over buyer before. The only thing I asked of her was that she not buy anything for the baby from Temu because I don't trust it as a supplier and if she did I said we wouldn't be using it. We were bought a plethora of things from Temu. She'd taken everything out of its packaging to try hide it but it was really obvious, and I just feel like why did you get us anything if you ignored the one thing we asked.

She also bought things that we won't need for years that I also felt like she was doing to try 'steal' firsts. (She's already been talking about buying the baby's first shoes and teaching it how to ride a bike). She bought a my baby teeth jar, and I just thought it doesn't even have teeth yet, they won't be falling out for another 5 years why have you gotten us this.

I just feel like I'm no longer her daughter I'm her vessel to being given another baby.

I hate that I latch onto her weird antics and use them as “I knew it’s!” Because it just frustrates him and myself. I really need to stop, and I’m good about it most of the time. There are times where it’s hard though. Hearing him talk her down and calm his own mom down sends shivers throughout my spine. I don’t think I’ll ever have the luxury of a normal mother-in-law, so I guess I need to learn to not complain to him about his own mom. Did you grow out of this and just become an observer of their relationship?

After 3 years of friendship and 2 years of togetherness, I still feel as if, after separating from my partner (3 months later), I wake up with a heaviness. How can a mother be so cruel, not just to me but to her son? She had the opportunity to be a wife and a mother but refused to allow her own son to have one of his own, trained him and moulded him into being guilty if he put up a boundary [regardless of how much he hated it]. My family would sometimes ask if I would ever go back to him. I love him, but I hate how late he was to rescue us and stand up for us. Last week she reached out, yes, my ex-MIL, she sent a message directly to my phone since I blocked her on social media. I saw the iMessage and didn't open it. It gave me this sick feeling because I knew why she was messaging; she actually didn't expect us to break up, and my husband warned her that ifour relationship was going to end, he would avoid her at all cost. I didn't read the message, then 10 hours later, she deleted it, I just don't want no problem, she has no business contacting me, I have been in no contact for 3 months. I have a theory that he isn't in contact with her and she is now seeing how things are after all her drama and terrible behaviour.

We went from designing our house and planting flower seeds around our house lot TO a permanent separation because of his mom's interjections and his lack of backbone. I remember our final interactions while I was in a work meeting and I took the call and it's like he knew how this would have ended. She gave him any ultimatum and something he said made me view him in a bad way, eliminating all that we went through, he said, "after all the fight I put up for you, you want us to separate?" Like you can't see what she is doing, this is what she wanted and for some reason you think I am the problem. She did this thing where it felt as though she was the side chick and needed him to choose between his wife and his mother. How stupid he has to be to not see this?

I am trying to move on and move forward, but it feels like my trust in people in general has diminished. However, I am therapy and I hope he is too. All love and no hate, but alot of pity.

Get ready for a long read.

I (24F) am having my first child, due in January. Since we found out the gender in August, I’ve been wanting to start planning the baby shower. So, I’ve been trying to round up my MIL, and my mom so they could plan together. I suggested making a group chat with all three of us but my mom said “she hates group chats” so I asked her to give her a call. I let her know my MIL schedule so she could call when she was available, because she insisted on making the call. She kept on forgetting to call her throughout September. My mother also kept on going back and forth, telling me at one point I shouldn’t even have a baby shower. We wanted to have the baby shower on November 1st and all the of delays were stressing me out, due to I felt not giving enough time for RSVP’s. We waited two months for my mom to make up her mind or call or even text. I didn’t know what my mom wanted, so I took it into my own hands and started planning it out with my MIL. Yes I’m aware MIL could text or call but my mom kept on saying she wanted to.

The father has a very large family, so we decided that doing two separate baby showers. One for his side, and one for my side of the family. This is something I was happy with, and MIL made sure that it was what I wanted. Because of the uncertainty with my mother, I thought hey well at least I’ll have one guaranteed baby shower lol. I thought it was a good idea, so I could have enough one on one time with everyone. So, I told my parents the plans. They were absolutely livid. They are calling his family stuck up, saying that “they think they’re better than us” she doesn’t really know them so I don’t understand where she came to this conclusion? And so I tried to explain to her, that it was something we discussed together and thought it would be the best plan several times, but my mom continued to talk shit, and try to fight with me. I was put in a position where I’m defending my MIL for a decision we both made. It got to the point where I was begging her to just stop, because of how upset it was making me and she still does not stop to this day.

I’ve had a very rough pregnancy, I’ve been fairly ill & the father struggling, recently going in rehab. I was really looking forward to planning something positive for the baby and I, and I feel like any happiness or hope I had left has been completely obliterated. My in laws have been helping me a lot during this process, whereas my own parents have been shaming me my entire pregnancy. I’ve been coming to my MIL for most of my random questions regarding pregnancy because my mom has shown me she is not a safe person to come to. She has always been this way, micromanaging what I wear, what I say, etc. her attitude has been exacerbated while I’m expecting.

She also wants to be in the delivery room, and I’m extremely uncomfortable with that idea. Pretty much ever since I had the positive test, I decided I only wanted the father in the delivery room. She tells me “she wants to be my coach” and I said “I don’t want you to be my coach, I want you to be my mom.” And now she’s lingering on that and upset about that. I can understand how she may feel like she’s being shot down, and that can be upsetting, but not once has she shown regard for my own feelings. I have been managing her feelings regarding my birth and pregnancy choices, playing mediator and explaining myself when I shouldn’t have to, and not once has she stopped and asked me what I want. My whole childhood and teen hood looked like this. I think she imagined this going her way, and the fact that it’s not, she’s losing it. She’s losing control over me, and she can’t handle that.

So basically, I’ve heard horror stories about in laws regarding pregnancy, but mine is my biological family. I just don’t know what to do. It’s making me really not wanting to have them involved in me or my child’s life. I know that sounds dramatic, but watching her react in this way made me have some epiphanies about my upbringing and I don’t want my child to go through the chronic invalidation that I did. That she doesn’t ever really regard my feelings. The baby shower is a celebration of my transition into motherhood and she’s throwing a tantrum about the fact that it’s not going the way she wants. Also lots of other messed up stuff. What did you do when a parent (in law or not) over stepped?

TL;DR: Mom is upset that I planned the baby shower with my MIL because she couldn’t make up her mind for months, became seriously upset. Wants to micromanage what I do, very upset I’m paving my own path & it’s making me want to distance myself

Would love to hear your perspectives or thoughts.

We went no contact with my own parents right before having our second kid. For my mental health it's been great and while my partner and I had our issues postpartum I know it was the right decision but really hard for me as a chronic people pleaser. Parents have shown a mix of BPD, narcissistic tendencies. Parents also think my partner is not "good enough" and are just really inappropriate and elitist. Typical immigrant first daughter parentification. Parents were super controlling and overbearing. Most conversations with them are just them criticizing and complaining and I'm so exhausted being with them. Took having my own kid to realize to enforce boundaries and prioritize my own family instead of others needs.

They've reached out a few times only to ask to see the second kid.

However, recently, given everyone's older age and some family members passing away - I'm racked with guilt about my own parents never meeting my own kid. It's so weird bc I know parents are not great but are they so terrible that they don't get to see their grandkids? (I dunno maybe this is my people pleasing side).

I'm trying to work through it as there is one side of me that wants to keep holding boundaries and supporting my partner and my mental health. Even just the mention of reconnecting even just once a year is enough for them to go ballistic especially since they have made no effort to change.

However, my first is always asking me about grandparents and family etc. my parents are not in the best health and I know I will feel like shit for not even letting them see their second grandkid.

We are in couples and individual therapy and it's not as helpful as we would want.

I just feel torn and exhausted.

It has been brewing for 23 years. She tells everyone how wonderful she is and she always wanted a daughter and how awful I am. She has never reached out to me personally, has made snide remarks directly to me and behind my back to my husband. Has continually convinced him not to do something for me or get me something, because I probably just want his money. Funny since she has stollen his identity and opened credit cards in his name, forced her elderly mom to change an account with my husbands and her parents names over into her name (bank said she was really confused and not sure what she was signing) and on and on. Finally got hubby to stand up to her bullying of him and me. Of course she tried to lie her way out of everything. Then got mad at him for telling me the crap she’s said to him about me. He’d tell me right away but never did anything about it except do what she said to do. Hopefully the future will be less annoying, stressful and she’ll keep my name out of her malicious, gossiping mouth.

Just a rant, hell, maybe even a chant or wish to the universe! I hate my MIL. A fake, sorry ass, weak-willed bitch. I want her our lives.

My MIL came to my kids’ swimming lesson this week as per usual and immediately told me my 4-year-old was “too skinny” and “it’s not good.” Then she repeatedly told me my 6-year-old should be wearing goggles, as she does every swim lesson even though she knows he refuses to wear them. Her criticism even extended to the instructors and, in the past, other parents.

Woman, I just want to relax after a long day and watch the kids swim without listening to your stream of criticisms!

That was just the beginning.

I casually mentioned our Thursday school drop-off situation because I was proudly sharing how my 6-year-old is growing in independence. Normally I drop my daughter off first, then take my son to his school and walk him to his class line up. On Thursdays my daughter starts later, so I have to drop him off first. If I park, get both kids out and walk him all the way to his line, my daughter will be late. So on these days I use his school’s kiss-and-ride curb drop-off instead. He actually loves it and is proud of being able to walk in himself.

MIL ripped into me. She said he’s too young, that I’m irresponsible and that someone could lure him away and kidnap him with Pokémon cards. She announced that SHE would start taking him to school on Wednesdays and asked where my husband was. When I said he was usually home, she said she’d call him and “give him shit.”

Then swimming ended. My son had swum his heart out and came out saying he was hungry. MIL immediately criticized me for not feeding him enough beforehand. I HAD given him a snack. I deliberately don’t give him a large amount immediately before swimming because he’s vomited in the pool when he’s eaten too much beforehand. Plus, our schedule was to go home and have dinner.

Afterward, she privately called my husband and claimed our son had started swimming “sloppily” at the end because he was so hungry. That wasn’t even true. She then announced that she’d start coming to our house after school to make sure the kids got snacks. The next day, she called my husband AGAIN to complain about my school drop-off arrangement.

This isn’t just about my parenting either.

Recently we took my husband’s 50-year-old sister on vacation. SIL had a kidney transplant and was finally medically cleared to travel. The night before we left, MIL pulled me aside and instructed me to strictly monitor everything SIL ate because SIL gets angry when MIL tells her what she can and can’t eat.

She also instructed me to report back to her every day about SIL, my kids and the trip overall.

SIL is a mentally competent adult and TEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME. 

Another example: we go to a fishing lodge together every year where my husband and FIL fish most of the day while I’m with MIL and the kids. One year, knowing what she’s like, my husband actually warned her beforehand not to spend the trip constantly criticizing me as she usually does.
Surprisingly, she didn’t.

I later found out that every evening when I went to put the kids to bed, she privately unloaded all of her criticisms about me onto my husband instead.

She also regularly texts me instructions about the kids: whether it’s safe to be outside, how I should dress them, or if I share photos in the group chat, if I’m letting them be unsafe (for example allowing my son to climb monkey bars that are too high). Once when my husband was away for work, she became extremely anxious because I wasn’t regularly checking in with her about myself and the kids. I’d literally sent the group chat a video of the kids skating that morning, but she still complained to my husband that I was being “distant” until he called me begging me to contact her because she was so anxious.

I’m 40. She’s not my mother. Yet I constantly feel like she’s appointed herself the manager/authority figure of my household.

I’ve started realizing that the common thread in all of this is her anxiety and her apparent need to manage everyone around her.

She sees something that concerns her, decides something is wrong, tells everyone how it should be handled and, if we don’t do it her way, frequently appoints herself to take over. She seems to conflate her helping (for example occasional babysitting or school pick up) with having the right to give unsolicited advice and exercise parental authority. She even did this with our nanny when we had one.
My husband fully recognizes that she oversteps, but historically his response has been, “That’s just Mom. You have to ignore her. We all do.” At the same time, he’s spent his whole life accommodating her to keep the peace. If she gets anxious enough, sometimes he’ll ask me to humour her so that she’ll calm her down.

I’ve realized that this family has basically spent decades managing her anxiety. She worries, starts managing everyone around her, and everyone accommodates her so she’ll feel better.

Except this time, after the swimming lesson and the SECOND phone call complaining about me, my husband finally snapped!!

He told her she is constantly criticizing me and that it’s one thing for him to receive it, but I’m his wife and he’s watching how much it upsets me.

Then he said, “She’s a new mom and she wanted to be a mom so badly, and you’re not letting her.”

He told her that she may have more parenting experience, (take with a grain of salt, as back in the day when my husband was a toddler she’d  give him Coca Cola in a milk bottle cuz he loved Coke until all his baby teeth turned black) but she needs to step back and give me the chance to actually be the mother of my own children.
He compared her constant criticism to me getting all dressed up for a date with him, coming downstairs excited, and having him look at me and immediately tell me I’m ugly.
Then he set an actual boundary: she was no longer invited to Wednesday swimming. He would go instead.

Her response?

“Who’s going to shower the kids?”

ME.

I shower the kids. She stands beside me and only helps by getting one of them dressed afterward.

She then accused us of being ungrateful for all her help.
She was apparently muttering under her breath but had nothing she could retaliate with. That’s how the convo ended.

 In her mind, she is indispensable. She then conflates her “help” with having parental authority which includes giving unsolicited (and often bad) advice.

But here’s the part I found most interesting.

We saw her later that evening. It was slightly awkward, but she gave me ZERO unsolicited advice or criticism. We actually had a completely normal conversation about random things.

So apparently she CAN control it.

Anyway, after years of “that’s just Mom, ignore her,” my husband finally stopped asking me to tolerate it and set a firm boundary with her.

Now I’m VERY curious to see what happens next.

I find it so weird and borderline creepy. It’s different to just having a passing thought. She keeps sending me reels and tiktoks of what she wants to happen at my son’s wedding. She got to make a decision about a lot of things on my wedding, but she won’t get to when it’s my son’s. It will be up to him and his future wife when and if my son decides to marry. It’s like the idea of my son marrying occupies her brain 24/7. She even sends them into the extended family group chat.

I’m just going to ignore this weird ass behaviour but it’s getting on my nerves.

They just started showing up to soccer games, we did not tell them the schedule, and now to other practices also. I’m really annoyed because I don’t want to sit there and talk to them while the kids play/practice. My husband coaches the teams so he’s never stuck with them and insists he didn’t tell them about it. They’re rude and critical and annoying. Should I just tell them they’re not invited?

Both our mums live nearby. Every few weeks I have a weekday lunch with mine. Usually jacket potatoes at her kitchen table, catching up about relatives and whatever she's been doing. My husband isn't there. We don't have children.

A few months ago we had a nice lunch with both mums, which I'd happily do again occassionally. Since then MIL has started asking whether she's invited whenever she hears I'm seeing mine. I've explained that sometimes I want time alone with my mum. She says marriage made us one family and she doesn't understand why we need separate visits.

Last week I told her Wednesday's lunch was just the two of us. She then rang my mum and said she'd heard about lunch and would love to come. Mum assumed I'd changed the plan and said yes. I found out when Mum asked whether MIL eats tuna.

My husband has told her these lunches aren't invitations, and we already see MIL regularly. Her response to me was that she wouldn't exclude my mum from anything. I don't think that's relevent, but somehow I ended up explaining our entire visiting schedule to her.

I've cleared up the misunderstanding with Mum. I'd like advice on what to say to MIL now, because explaining that I love my mum seems to turn into reassuring her that I like her too.

My family and I were at my mother-in-law’s last night, and I was looking at a photo collage on the wall. It has a bunch of pictures with various groupings of her, her siblings, her kids, and her grandkids (my kids).

No pictures of me which I don’t particularly care about, but two of the photos are my newborns in my hospital room, posed with my husband and his sister (MILs daughter). Again I don’t real care that I’m not in her photos but sheesh!!

How does everyone handle holiday planning with their just no in-laws? MIL called my husband today when I was in the same room and already started asking about our holiday plans on speaker phone 🙄🙄

It's not even Halloween yet!!! My husband started talking about the plans (which we haven't even discussed yet as a nuclear family) and so I finally said we need to talk to my side of the family before we commit to any decisions. It's so frustrating when extended family doesn't seem to understand that we need to make our own plans as a nuclear family. And I don't even want to think about any of this crap until November at the earliest. Is anyone else freaking out about the upcoming holidays? Drives me absolutely crazy 😖