I need honest responses, not just validating how I’m feeling lol. Is “my baby” or “our baby” harmless or do I just hate when my mil refers to my child like that bc I don’t like her? It literally makes my blood boil. I feel like she goes out of her way to say that and it sounds forced every time.
My mil sucks, but that’s beside the point. My question is: How are we explaining to our mils that we don’t feel comfortable with our baby alone at her house when LO goes to and stays at my parents’ home quite frequently. She didn’t necessarily do anything “wrong” when she’s watched LO at our house, but I don’t feel comfortable, period, end of story. Part of me feels bad for not having a reason, but besides my husband and I, I only trust my mom with my child. It’s my first baby and he’s 4 mo old.
Quick edit to very briefly explain why she sucks….. Boundary stomps, makes fun of boundaries such as that I don’t want LO parked in front of a tv, and plays Mommy right in front of me while I’m there…. Well, she tries to, it doesn’t work with me. I don’t trust how she’d act while I’m not around.
Longggg story short: my mil is a narcissist. She is controlling and manipulative and plays victim when she doesn’t get her way. My husband’s eyes are starting to open as we recently welcomed our first child.
I have tried for years with this lady. Typical narcissist…she’s sweet when you comply, she throws a tantrum when she doesn’t get her way. I Nonetheless, she is my baby’s grandmother (which I realize there is zero rights there). Her life’s purpose has also now become my child. She is obsessed. It’s very uncomfortable, but I do know she loves her.
There’s been years of instances, and I know this lady will inevitably end up digging her own grave and we will eventually go NC. Here’s my question: Do I let mil babysit ever? We used to weekly before a big blow up, and she hasn’t since. My husband works long hours and I could really use the break, but don’t want to “give in” to her fantasy of being my child’s mom, and also want to protect my baby at all costs, of course. Do I let mil watch baby for a couple hours and let her make her own mistakes, or do I block it before it even happens? I hope this makes sense.
Anyone else have a baby-obsessed MIL?
Long story short, we've always had a relationship that was just okay. My MIL is very controlling and narcissistic, and it took years of incidents for my husband to finally start seeing those behaviors for what they are.
When I was pregnant, her controlling behavior was easy to dismiss as excitement about becoming a grandmother, especially since this is the first grandchild on my husband's side. Looking back, a lot of those behaviors carried over once the baby arrived.
She picked a huge fight with my husband about 10 minutes after our daughter was born, completely overshadowing what should have been one of the happiest moments of our lives. It felt like she made the day all about her. My postpartum experience was also difficult because she constantly pushed boundaries and was incredibly intense about her attachment to my baby, often referring to her as "the daughter I never had."
She expects constant updates—multiple texts a day, daily pictures, and wants to see the baby several times a week. We eventually had a boundary conversation, which did not go well at all. Her reaction showed her true colors. My husband has largely moved on because it's his mom, but I haven't, and honestly I don't think I'll be able to for a long time. The trust is gone.
I've had to create my own personal boundaries with her because when she doesn't get her way, she throws tantrums, plays the victim, and guilt-trips everyone around her. I wish we could go no-contact, but my husband isn't there yet.
One thing that really bothers me is that she seems to view everything as a competition with my parents. My parents are wonderful and couldn't care less about "keeping score," but my MIL is constantly focused on who sees the baby more. The frustrating part is that she shows very little interest in us as people—her focus is entirely on the baby.
Before boundaries were enforced, she would walk into my house, take the baby out of my arms without asking, and hold her for entire 6+ hour visits. Thankfully, I've gotten more confident and now have no problem taking my baby back whenever I want.
Another issue is the excessive gift-buying. To outsiders it probably looks generous, but it feels more like control. She constantly buys things to hold over our heads and takes away experiences that I, as the mother, wanted to have. Before my daughter was even born, she had already bought her first Thanksgiving outfit, first Christmas outfit, first doll, first blanket, and so many other "firsts." She does these things so far in advance that I don't even get the chance to choose them myself.
At this point, I'm trying to find the balance between being respectful and standing up for myself, my role as a mother, and my child. Part of me wonders whether I even need to worry so much about being respectful anymore when that respect doesn't seem to go both ways.
Has anyone dealt with something similar? Did it get better? How did you protect your peace while still maintaining a relationship?
Anyone else have a baby-obsessed MIL?
Long story short, we've always had a relationship that was just okay. My MIL is very controlling and narcissistic, and it took years of incidents for my husband to finally start seeing those behaviors for what they are.
When I was pregnant, her controlling behavior was easy to dismiss as excitement about becoming a grandmother, especially since this is the first grandchild on my husband's side. Looking back, a lot of those behaviors carried over once the baby arrived.
She picked a huge fight with my husband about 10 minutes after our daughter was born, completely overshadowing what should have been one of the happiest moments of our lives. It felt like she made the day all about her. My postpartum experience was also difficult because she constantly pushed boundaries and was incredibly intense about her attachment to my baby, often referring to her as "the daughter I never had."
She expects constant updates—multiple texts a day, daily pictures, and wants to see the baby several times a week. We eventually had a boundary conversation, which did not go well at all. Her reaction showed her true colors. My husband has largely moved on because it's his mom, but I haven't, and honestly I don't think I'll be able to for a long time. The trust is gone.
I've had to create my own personal boundaries with her because when she doesn't get her way, she throws tantrums, plays the victim, and guilt-trips everyone around her. I wish we could go no-contact, but my husband isn't there yet.
One thing that really bothers me is that she seems to view everything as a competition with my parents. My parents are wonderful and couldn't care less about "keeping score," but my MIL is constantly focused on who sees the baby more. The frustrating part is that she shows very little interest in us as people—her focus is entirely on the baby.
Before boundaries were enforced, she would walk into my house, take the baby out of my arms without asking, and hold her for entire 6+ hour visits. Thankfully, I've gotten more confident and now have no problem taking my baby back whenever I want.
Another issue is the excessive gift-buying. To outsiders it probably looks generous, but it feels more like control. She constantly buys things to hold over our heads and takes away experiences that I, as the mother, wanted to have. Before my daughter was even born, she had already bought her first Thanksgiving outfit, first Christmas outfit, first doll, first blanket, and so many other "firsts." She does these things so far in advance that I don't even get the chance to choose them myself. She is also obsessed with making my child baby foods, when this is something she never asked me about and I was looking forward to doing.
At this point, I'm trying to find the balance between being respectful and standing up for myself, my role as a mother, and my child. Part of me wonders whether I even need to worry so much about being respectful anymore when that respect doesn't seem to go both ways.
Has anyone dealt with something similar? Did it get better? How did you protect your peace while still maintaining a relationship?
Anyone else’s in-laws (specifically mil) just stare like literal vultures when you’re holding your baby just waiting to get their turn? They don’t even acknowledge me at this point. It’s so awkward and uncomfortable! She also holds my baby 99% of the time I’m with her, so it’s not like she doesn’t get her fair share. My poor baby is not your emotional support doll.
We have the first grandkid and in-laws were rightfully excited. Instead of being normal grandparents with a few baby items, they have a full blown nursery and more baby items than my husband and I have! I’m talking multiple diaper caddy’s throughout the house, their own car seat, multiple bouncers, baby blankets, baby swing, crib, baby cameras…. the list goes on…. Mind you, my child has never been there alone and will probably never sleep over there. There are also probably 15 framed pictures of my baby throughout their small home, along with “Grandma” signs everywhere. My MIL has made my child her entire personality and it seems like her only will to live at this point! It’s so overbearing and I feel like she’s trying to treat my child as her own.
Not to any surprise, she also expects to see baby at least 2x per week. On weeks she only sees LO once, it’s a huge deal and we get pestered about it.
My MIL is a self-obsessed boy mom of 3 and has ran the show my Husband’s entire life. I dated my DH for 5 years and we’ve been married for 1. I’ve always tried to keep the peace and kept my mouth shut (most times) regarding her controlling behavior. She’s had two massive blow ups when she hasn’t gotten her way; one being our guest list for the wedding, and the other after we recently welcomed our first baby (12 weeks old).
She is SO entitled to my child and views her as her property. She expects to see baby multiple times per week, and comes over for 7-8 hours and hogs my baby the entire time. I fully acknowledge that I should’ve not allowed this and set boundaries sooner, but I did not. A few weeks ago, I got sick of it and had husband very kindly set a boundary regarding the amount of visits. This turned into a massive spiral on her part and resulted in her making fun of me for being “overwhelmed” and talking very poorly about me to the rest of DH’s family. She sent me an “apology” text twice, but cannot take one single ounce of accountability. It’s all fake so that she can see my daughter. She couldn’t care less about me.
We have since tried to move on but I cannot just forget about what she said. She also doesn’t give two craps about seeing my husband or I; everything is about seeing my baby (or, as she calls it, “her” baby). She sends passive aggressive texts about seeing my daughter after we have set the boundary with her (the boundary being seeing our baby once a week, not 4x…. Pretty reasonable). I should also note- during the blow up, I made my feelings VERY clear to her. I let her know that this behavior would not be tolerated moving forward, and that my husband and I are the parents and can set whatever boundaries we want, no explanation needed.
She also texts me multiple times a day for baby updates. She wants to know how she slept every night, how she’s doing throughout the day, and wants pictures multiple times per day. In my opinion, it’s just not her business! I will share what I want to share. I’m happy to share updates/pictures with my own mom because she’s not constantly prying me for information.
ALSO she will not stop buying unnecessary things for my baby! Every time I see her it’s a new bag filled with stuff we don’t need. She wanted to be the first to buy her a first blanket, teddy bear, etc. She even bought all new pots to make baby food, when I wasn’t planning on doing that and just mashing up food myself. She masks it in “love” but it’s controlling. I have told her we don’t need anything else, but it’s constant. She is a hoarder and gave a box filled with all my husbands baby stuff because she’s trying to downsize. Like, don’t pass along your unwanted stuff to us!!
I know she can’t stand me after all this and is just trying to be civil so that she can see my child. I don’t totally blame her, I’m trying to somewhat do the same for the sake of my Ángel of a husband.
I guess I don’t really have a question and needed to vent lolllll. Open to all suggestions, opinions, and wondering if anyone is going through something similar!