r/inlaws

Edit: I am the husband. This is my wife mother and her sister: I’m struggling with a family situation and could really use some outside perspective.

My mother-in-law is currently staying with us, and I understand helping and supporting her. The issue is my 38-year-old sister-in-law also expects to stay with us because her mother is here. She has had a few short-term jobs over the years but has never really become financially independent. She doesn’t contribute toward rent, groceries, childcare, or household responsibilities. She mostly stays in the house, eats our food, and expects support from family. Whenever I bring up getting her own place or becoming more independent, she responds by saying “family should take care of each other.”

I’m also fully aware that this dependent behavior didn’t come out of nowhere. My mother-in-law has enabled it for years by constantly financially supporting her adult daughter instead of pushing her toward independence. That’s part of what makes this situation so frustrating for me.

Recently I told my sister-in-law directly that she needs to start planning for her own place. She became very reactive, but at the same time didn’t seem to take me seriously. At one point I got so frustrated that I yelled and told her to leave, and she just laughed it off. We’ve even been letting her use one of our cars for a temp job she recently got. This morning I told her she couldn’t use the car and should Uber instead, but then my mother-in-law immediately told her she would Venmo her the money for the ride right in front of me.

At this point, I feel resentful because it feels like we are indirectly supporting this cycle too. Part of me is even starting to question why we should continue financially supporting my mother-in-law when she is turning around and funneling money and support to her fully capable but irresponsible adult daughter. I don’t want constant conflict in the house, but I also don’t want to financially and emotionally support another adult indefinitely.

How would you handle this situation without completely destroying family relationships?

RANT
Longggg story short my in laws are the most toxic, chaotic, and abusive people I have ever met. My husband had a really bad childhood growing up, probably one of the worst childhoods I’ve ever heard of. When he became an adult he moved hours away from his abusive parents and enabling siblings and he is very very low contact with them.

We have a newborn, since the day we found out we were pregnant to now my husband has been very clear that his family will have little access to our pregnancy and our son. They weren’t involved in my pregnancy at all, they were super critical and showed no support (which in this case good) however towards the end they started to become overbearing. My husband set up very clear and strict boundaries with them…

They all lost their shit over it, and I mean BAD. Their way of hashing out problems is cussing each other out, calling each other names, and getting physical. Their reaction was super intense and my husband ultimately decided to pull the plug altogether and not let them have any access to our son.

For the past month his family has been harassing the both of us saying we’re evil for using our baby “as a pawn”, you mean the baby that WE made? The baby that we’re protecting from this abusive behavior?? The blame of course has been totally shifted on to me because they don’t believe my husband would just “exclude them from our lives” like that… so of course it’s my fault and I’m evil and toxic and apparently like drama.

It’s bullshit, but they’re proving EXACTLY why they aren’t allowed around our baby.

I share the same birth month as my FIL’s youngest daughter, 20 days apart. His family of 9 has rarely acknowledge my birthday over the last 10 years of us dating/married, while I make sure both husband and I always send a text for each of them. We used to afford them lavish gifts and pay for the family dinner, but in the last two years we just wish them well and will pay for ourselves at the group dinner.

My FIL wanted to throw his youngest a birthday party to celebrate the milestone. All the siblings were contributing something to the party. Leading up to her birthday, the family had a loss and the party was postponed. FIL didn’t tell husband and I when, until the week before, it was on my birthday. Unbeknownst to me, husband asked if they could do celebrate me too as a surprise with two cakes, FIL declined because it’d take away from SIL who was sad her birthday was overshadowed by the loss in the family. That was totally reasonable.

I was not sad that they had to move the party to my birthday, life happens! The best way to honor a death is with celebrating life! Husband and I already had plans to celebrate me, so we respectfully bowed out of what we had volunteered for. The family “jokingly” made a stink about it, haha very funny. Hopefully, it’ll pass soon.

It did not pass. Whenever they could bring up the party, they did. FIL would end the call saying “see you at the party!”. My BILs would ridicule husband for not coming. On my birthday, they asked husband what time he is coming no one acknowledged me at all. After the party, FIL lectured husband about the importance of showing up for family celebrations, he didn’t stop until husband apologized. Whatever.

Now, this is where I feel slighted. Since my birthday, both of the other brothers’ wives have had birthdays. One was given well wishes in the family group chat, the other falls on a holiday and was celebrated in person. My FIL even acknowledged the birthdays of his damn dogs in the family group chat.

AIO at this, because I became very disappointed after the dogs birthday shout out. Obviously nothing will come from it, just wanted to be validated.

It might categorise as a rant, sorry.

We have been married for 3 years and every summers my in-laws make it a mandatory thing to visit.
My husband and I we both are not are not at much ease whenever they visit. Its like having guests over at home. They treat our home as an airbnb with cook & help available.
My brother in-law also accompanies them, he is an adult and very entitled. Expects me to “pamper” him as his mother does, like bringing snacks for him from office. Doesn’t say it directly but has complained to my MIL before, when I didn’t order him cake on some random occasion once last year. My MIL justifies this behaviour saying he’s the youngest child so needs some love always.

Anyways, when they come-
They occupy our living room all day. I cannot step out of my room because actually there’s no room for me to sit.

My husband pays for tickets, expenses, any short trips they want to take, everything. I don’t like it but I don’t interfere much there.

I work from home so it becomes extremely disturbing because of which I go to a coworking space. Which costs me a lot but its okay.

They skip meals so are constantly cooking something or the other in kitchen & the moment I am home, its expected out of me to help in the kitchen. I can cook for 1-2 people but not for 5 adults.

I need someone to tell me please how can I politely establish these boundaries and tell them to respect my space. Keep the kitchen clean if you use it, and help with chores. Or give me something to keep me sane during this time, some days I just don’t feel like returning home.

Sorry for the long post!

My boyfriend of 1.5 years is extremely close with this mum. She moved states with a new partner and he followed with her, leaving behind all his friends and siblings to be with her in a new state (and for a fresh start for himself he says).

His mum is on the diagnostic cascade of private ADHD diagnosis, EDS, POTS, chronic pain etc. She is very naive with a lot of things and sometimes I find it insensitive. For example once being diagnosed with POTS by a rheumatologist she was very over the top about it being the answer to all her issues and that she has an auto immune disorder and has struggled for a long time. I have members of my family who have severe autoimmune disorders like rheumatoid arthritis and lupus so I tried to question further, asking if she had been tested for actual autoimmune disorders and was met with a lot of defensiveness from her and my boyfriend insinuating i was minimising her struggle. She is very new age aware of things, she got my boyfriend diagnosed with autism very young (if he is autistic, he is very high functioning) and looks for every opportunity to bring up disability and health etc. It’s a hard bubble to describe if you don’t know someone like this but just to add some context to the scenario.

Recently I was over at their house for mother’s day, and me and my boyfriend’s housing has been a topic of discussion for awhile. He lives in my rental which is up at the end of the year and we want to buy a house. I have rented alone for 8 years and he has always lived with his mum. I have a rocky relationship with my family of which they are aware (my parents had me at 16, always need money, can’t rely on them type of deal).

Now my bf has been talking to me about the possibility of living with his mum while we save for a house or build one - How exciting! I have paid rent for a long time and it would be such a luxury to have that afforded to us. He has mentioned my dog will be a bit of an issue though, he might have to stay outside and only have access to the laundry, as his mum has OCD and doesn’t like dog hair. OK Sure.

Now this topic comes up with his mum and stepdad, I am feeling stressed about my lease being up (owner is selling) and the cost of rentals being so high that owning a house seems impossible. His mum says, if you were to live here would your mum take your dog?
Now maybe this is a valid question, but I find it quite rude, my dog is my best friend and a huge part of my life and is part of the package deal unfortunately. To add onto that, she knows that my mum is more like a sister than a parent to me and that my mum would never do something like that for me. Even if she did, she lives with my grandparents and my siblings - 7 people in one house, with a dog and 3 cats already.
She doesn’t know however that I already brought this up with my mum randomly, and her response was, why wouldn’t your dog be allowed to move into her house? She has a huge house with plenty of room meanwhile we are sharing rooms.

For once I actually agree with my mum, it seems ridiculous to propose that she take my dog when he could be in a huge house with 4 people. But of course, I appreciate bf mum is very generous in offering us to live with her and I don’t have any expectations. So if she doesn’t want a dog at her house then fine, that’s okay with me. What I don’t appreciate is the conditional offer of housing, “but you can’t bring your dog”.

While we were on this topic, I say things like “Oh what if he only sleeps inside and doesn’t go into any other rooms”. That’s a No. I say “oh okay well he will still have the laundry at least?” (My bf has told me this) She says no because the house has just been repainted. I say “oh so he can stay outside then? I’m sure that will be okay short term”. She says because she works from home it will be too hard for her to manage. Oh okay no worries, we start discussing other options, night ends fine and we go home.

The next day we are discussing something unrelated in the group chat (me, bf, bf mum) and she sends this message: “Im leaving this conversation I’m really fuelled tbh! I’m a calm person I value my peace and my gut is very unsettled right now.”

I get so confused and worried, I try to call her no answer, I tell my bf to call her something must be going on, no answer. He tells me to just leave it but i keep pushing and he calls again and she answers and he goes outside to talk privately.

He tells me she feels I pushed and pushed her on that night about the dog, and she feels incredibly disrespected and he agrees I was being pushy.

I was so dumbfounded, I never thought I was being pushy I don’t understand. If I was why didn’t anyone say anything in the moment? Why was it all fine and good and then blown up the next day?

Now it has been a week and me and bf are on the rocks. We can’t talk about it because I insist that he defends me and calls out his mum for being ridiculous, and he insists I was being pushy and it’s her house and she’s allowed to feel disrepected.

I am hurt. She acted fake to my face and then blew up the next day, sending that rude message. Didn’t answer calls or texts when I was worried about her, then essentially ‘talked shit’ behind my back to her son about me. I know for a fact she is also saying it in messages to him now.
I say in our arguments that he defends her too much and it is a red flag, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t push back on their mum. And now with this I am starting to be more aware of just how close they are and how it might be in the long term.

It reminds me of a past argument we had. His sister doesn’t talk to his mum and I dont know the ins and outs, but one time in conversation I said something to the effect of “I can imagine it would be hard having two young kids and your mum moves to another state”. I clarified I wasn’t excusing any behaviour from her, just that it would be hard without your mum around. My bf went crazy defending his mum, that she needed to move for her own life, that it’s not about that, that his mum did nothing wrong - which I all agree with. But now the heat of that moment is painting a bigger picture for me.

Advice around this is appreciated!

Me and my husband have told both his dad and step mom, and his mom and step dad, our baby’s bedtime is at 6:30-7. We have told them no, we will not stretch it past for a dinner, multiple times. My son is 6.5 months old and we all thrive on a schedule. Yet, I got yet another text asking if we can go over to their house (20 minutes away) for a 6 o’clock dinner. My husband doesn’t get off until 4:30, so basically, no not really. But, I am a chronic people pleaser and never speak up. I always feel guilty when we say no because we don’t see them a ton. But, no fault of ours. They work a lot (not for money at all, just bored in retirement) and I respect that, but I’m not rearranging our whole schedule every time YOU have an evening to finally hang out. I will send photos of our son to my father in law, never has replied once. My MIL never texts me randomly or anything to ask how the baby is. Just feels like we tell them over and over and over, just to never be heard. I don’t know. Just wanted to vent about always having to go around their schedule.

My fiancée died in a crash on February as he was driving us to our farm. In the same crash I broke both my legs, some ribs, my eye got torn and a bunch of other scars. I also watched him die as he was next to me and I was also dying. While I was in ICU, his family gained access to our home and took everything he owned apart from his clothes. Watches, wallets, cards, cash, assets, car, phone. They held his funeral at a date when I couldn’t even be able to attend. I had to go in an ambulance with a doctor cause I was still in critical condition, and only managed to just view his body before my health went bad and had to head back. My family attended the funeral and didn’t get any recognition, meanwhile they gave a bunch of random people my late fiancée didn’t even know a chance to speak…. His sister was staying with us since Feb when she was visiting the country so even the house bills they used while I was in hospital I paid for everything. Fast forward to date, they separated themselves entirely. Im just so broken

I'm really struggling. My husband just graduated from university after several years of working on his degree program - while juggling a full-time job and a family. I am super proud of him. I shared a bunch of pictures with our family and my father in law didn't even acknowledge the photos. He never reached out to my husband expressing congratulations or sharing that he is proud of his son for such a huge accomplishment. I just don't understand, as a parent myself, what is going on here. But I feel very hurt and I'm not sure what to think or do.

Is this just a universal thing or do some people genuinely enjoy being around their in-laws and vice versa? I am convinced that my differences with my in-laws will always create some sort of strain in our relationship, but yet we all just do our best to sweep things under the rug and coexist. What is the best way to deal with in-laws that say all the right things but their actions don’t match and it is quite obvious they don’t like you?

They’ve never actively done anything wrong or to me. They’re just so rude. Like, not catty shitty comments. But selfish and inconsiderate. They’re kind, but they just really only think about themselves. It’s just the brusque attitude when they’re not interested in something, they don’t listen to you when you speak, take the last drink out of the fridge without a thought, WILDLY impatient, uninterested when something’s not about them type of rude. This is mostly his dad and sister, but his mom isn’t too far off, though she notices it and will complain about it to me at times. She’s just also quietly judgmental about every other person. My husband has some of these traits, but notices it and hates it and apologizes for it and it’s much much better when he’s not around them, though it shows up again when he is. We live a few hours away so we’re not always together but his parents have made comments about moving closer to us once we have kids. NO! we just did a week with them and I was so angry and frustrated, feeling dismissed at times and just biting my tongue constantly. It feels like I crossed a new threshold with them that I can’t take. How did I end up in a marriage with a family like this who I think I officially cannot stand

Is it wrong that I feel uncomfortable that my Fiancé is giving massages to my mother in law (his mother). Context: His family is more affectionate than mine so maybe culture differences. My mother in law has been asking for massages from her older son but now he move with his gf. So she’s been asking for massage from my Fiancé. When we were away from college she calls saying how she misses when he gives her massages bec he does better and Rico . She was working at the time so I understand but still I was uncomfortable. Right now he’s living under her roof and I’m living under my dad roof till we can get our own place.
But she hasn’t been working after a word accident. She been begging for massages which the way she begs is weird. He goes in the weird to give her in the massage while I’m in the coach. Before this incident I told him, I feel uncomfortable that he gives massages to his mom especially the noises she makes. During the time I was in the living room, I got out of the couch came closer and you can hear “moans”. I understand that when you getting a massage you moan from the pressure and pain. My fiance is uncomfortable but he scared that his mom would act weird and mad and then start hating both of us. I understand that but at the end of the day she hasn’t a bf that can do it for her but her bf and her aren’t living together.

So again, am I wrong. The bad guy is this situation where I don’t want my fiancee giving her a massage.

(25F) and (30M) We have been together for 6 years now, and most recently got married and had our first child. I had a great relationship with all of them, especially my SIL and FIL. But ever since I got pregnant I felt a shift in dynamic between me and my in-laws. It started with them constantly suggesting baby names, even after asking them to stop my MIL just starting texting them directly to my husband. The biggest problem I had with this is that I was afraid my husband would end up wanting to use one of their suggestions since he didn't seem to like any of mine. Then they didn't like that we didn't want anyone kissing our baby, my husband agreed in private and then questioned me alongside them in public. Now we've been debating whether to upgrade to a new family-sized car and we had agreed there was no need until his car was done for, but when his parents and sister found out they all started badgering him telling him to do the opposite (even though my SUV is great and our family car currently).

But then came the discussion of wanting to move out of state in a few years, now my SIL and In-laws plan to follow us. We want to go somewhere that can give us the best financial situation to raise our child, but it would also be nice to get away from the constant visits/dinners/"oh this person is in town so let's visit with them too!" . My husband didn't want to make a boundary of how often is too often, he'd rather just say no in the moment. But them all following us + possibly no other family around, would probably mean more visits and that just sounds exhausting.

Though before we move out of state we wanted to move into a home here, since it will still be awhile before we leave the state. When my husband mentioned it, it was like a wave of all of them telling us where to move/where not to move/move closer to us, and I couldn't get in a word edgewise. My husband noticed this and attempted to include me, I said it would be nice to move closer to some of my family and they didn't acknowledge it.

When we got home I said how it made me feel like a third wheel or that it was 4v1 and that I wanted to keep decisions about our life to ourselves. He said it was just how they were and him saying anything wouldn't work as they would just keep going. He also mentioned that he tried to include me, but for me its not about myself being included. It's more about how I feel like he tends to agree with them when they give "advice", and his parents picked his first career/house/car before we got together, and with our life now I don't think they should be as involved. At least when it comes to decisions about our family/child.

He responded to that by saying he thinks that it's just because I'm "uncomfortable" with his family. I admit I've had some trouble with them, but only when it has involved our child (aka- trying to pick our baby name/kissing the baby after being told not to). And I try really hard to include his family and mine with special things for our child, like Easter or mother's day or birthdays, updates after dr's appointments, photos in the groupchat every few days, visits every other weekend, so to have him say that to me was really hurtful. The whole conversation felt like he was blaming me and ignoring any possible wrong doing of his family.

I'm not sure if it's the postpartum hormones or what but in my own family I have never experienced this type of forced dependence. I always made my own decisions and my parents gave me guidance when I asked. His parents seem like they're telling him what to do and pushing their opinions. He won't even open a bank account or go to the doctor when sick without running it by his parents first. Is this normal for older parents (his are almost 70) ? Or other family's?

My husband wants us to spend two weeks this summer with his parents in southern Italy with our young baby (3 months).

The issue is: staying in their house feels overwhelming to me postpartum. There’s very little privacy, they don’t even really have a proper sleeping setup for us + the baby, and last time I already felt emotionally exhausted there. His parents are kind, but the family dynamic is very intense and emotionally not very communicative.

There’s also some background here: his parents already visited us in Germany when I was only 3 weeks postpartum. They stayed in a hotel, but still spent around 12 hours a day at our apartment for an entire week. At the time I already told my husband it was too much for me physically and emotionally, but he never really managed to communicate boundaries to them or adjust the situation.

A week ago my husband suggested maybe we could stay in his brother’s empty apartment nearby instead, which honestly sounded like a great compromise to me. But since then he still hasn’t actually asked his brother or organized anything, even though the trip is getting close.

This is part of a larger pattern where I feel like I have to push/manage practical and emotional things, and when I remind him, he experiences it as “complaining” or pressure.

Now I notice myself becoming emotionally distant because I feel hurt and unsupported, especially during postpartum / parental leave when I already feel vulnerable.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting concrete plans + some private space before agreeing to this trip? How would you handle this dynamic without escalating the relationship?

I (29M) am getting married in 2 months to my fiancé (31F). Her father died a couple of years ago and she currently lives in a house that she bought with her parents a year before her father died. Her brother (28M) lives at the house too, but from my understanding has contributed very little financially since he’s been there.

My fiancé feels very uncomfortable separating from her mother after we get married, but the plan has always been for her brother to move out before we get married.

The other day, while speaking to someone else about our plans, she mentions that her brother may not be out by the time I’m supposed to move in. This was the first that I had heard of this. He’s been pretty financially unstable over the years, but just started working a stable job about 6 months ago. Again, she tells me that he doesn’t pay her rent, and he’s been driving his mom’s car this entire time.

For added context, I highly doubt any solution involving us living somewhere else is gonna fly. My fiancé’s mother is very dependent on her, which I accept. But living with the mom and brother would be too much.

The fact that she didn’t think to discuss it with me is its own issue, but I’m seriously considering telling her that I’m not moving in at least until I have proof that he’s approved for an apartment. We’ve been engaged for just over a year, so he’s had plenty of notice.

Any advice on how to go about this?

TL;DR
I’m supposed to move in soon with my fiancé and her mom, but her brother hasn’t moved out yet.

We live together (working on saving to move) We do everything for his parents. His mother doesn't do anything anymore because she claims to be "sick" and she's used that excuse for 20years according to my S/O She's very intrusive always asks us where we're going what we did, what we ate asks me about what type of medication I'm on...... She is completely unaware that she should have boundaries because as she's stated before on multiple occasions ' I'm the mother"... How can I set a boundary without sounding like a n asshole?

EDIT to clarify - this is my sister in law who is married to MILs son and not my MILs daughter.

I confided in my SIL regarding my MIL, just for her to tell her exactly what we discussed. I am now obviously super pissed and mostly annoyed and now I don’t want to have connections with any of my in laws. My husband has been supportive of me and is on my side but now I need advice on how I now navigate family gatherings etc? My husband wants all his family together but idk if it’s worth my mental health. Input is appreciated🙃

I could write novels about how awful my SIL is as a human, but I'll stick to the high level of my relationship with her.

The point of this post is I'm wondering if anyone else has similar experiences, and as a bonus, how have you gotten past it? There's also a touch of AITA (aka, should I just get over it? Am I being a baby?). Honestly, I am considering therapy just to talk out this relationship.

So basically this woman NEEDS to be the center of attention. She interjects herself into every conversation, even ones she's clearly not part of, adding her two cents, advice, stories, etc. She tries to come off as sweet and innocent, the most helpful person ever, but I think I'm the only one who can see she's full of BS. It's 1000% an act. She just wants everyone to see her as a super genius and be beholden to her. As I mentioned above, she also has a track record of horrible behavior in general, especially towards my BIL, so I don't see how everyone else isn't like wtf.

We just went on a big family vacation (12 people) and she was constantly talking and monopolizing everyone's time. What's worse is that she's LOUD too, so it's hard to escape her. She would even get in on my parenting. I'd be speaking to my son and she'd just have to step into the conversation. She doesn't have any children, so I'm not really interested in her two cents on how to get him to eat his vegetables. If I'm talking to him, especially in more serious situations, I don't really need the peanut gallery chiming in.

That may not sound terrible, but the overall crux is that she's nice to everyone...except me. In fact, she goes out of her way to not be nice to me. From day one she has been someone who talks over me, who corrects my personal opinions, who speaks/answers on my behalf when someone else is talking to me, and who just tries to make me look bad. I was excited to get to know her when she came on the scene because we are very close with her husband (my husband's brother), but she has never tried to be friendly to me, despite my attempts to be nice to her. I distinctly remember talking to her one of the first times we met, suggesting we hang out, and her straight up ignoring me like I was not even there. I've been in the family for years, so maybe she was/is intimidated by me, but I always found it so weird. There's nothing intimidating about me as a person. For the record, she is slightly nicer to me in more 1:1 situations but in big groups with in-laws, forget it. She wants to be the star.

Her behavior makes me completely shut down around her because I don't want her to correct me and I'm exhausted by her always-on persona, but that just makes me look like a bitch who doesn't want to be part of activities. It's all in the name of self-preservation, though. AITA? Can this be fixed, on my end or hers? Anyone else have a similar experience? Am I just out of luck here? It's a close-knit family, so there's no escaping her...

My sil hasn’t asked us a single question about how we are, anything about our lives in over two years (she’s pretty miserable tbh) we don’t talk at all, we see each other twice a year and she basically just acts like we don’t have lives and talks about her kids if she says anything at all. We even moved states without her acknowledging. Keep in mind there was no fight no argument she’s just has some weirdo jealousy towards us. Do we send gifts to her kids for their birthdays still? She definitely won’t acknowledge them and they are still too young.

In laws are visiting for a week or so, it’s impossible to know exact dates cause they don’t communicate but I leave that entirely to my husband. But here they are and I need ideas of what to do around the house to keep busy so that I don’t need to sit in awkward silence. We have a small house and are renting and can’t be screens cause we don’t do them in front of our toddler.. help!

I’m always hiding in my room but the house is so small they walk past all the time and probably have a fair idea I’m avoiding them.