u/Teach-Dangerous

I share the same birth month as my FIL’s youngest daughter, 20 days apart. His family of 9 has rarely acknowledge my birthday over the last 10 years of us dating/married, while I make sure both husband and I always send a text for each of them. We used to afford them lavish gifts and pay for the family dinner, but in the last two years we just wish them well and will pay for ourselves at the group dinner.

My FIL wanted to throw his youngest a birthday party to celebrate the milestone. All the siblings were contributing something to the party. Leading up to her birthday, the family had a loss and the party was postponed. FIL didn’t tell husband and I when, until the week before, it was on my birthday. Unbeknownst to me, husband asked if they could do celebrate me too as a surprise with two cakes, FIL declined because it’d take away from SIL who was sad her birthday was overshadowed by the loss in the family. That was totally reasonable.

I was not sad that they had to move the party to my birthday, life happens! The best way to honor a death is with celebrating life! Husband and I already had plans to celebrate me, so we respectfully bowed out of what we had volunteered for. The family “jokingly” made a stink about it, haha very funny. Hopefully, it’ll pass soon.

It did not pass. Whenever they could bring up the party, they did. FIL would end the call saying “see you at the party!”. My BILs would ridicule husband for not coming. On my birthday, they asked husband what time he is coming no one acknowledged me at all. After the party, FIL lectured husband about the importance of showing up for family celebrations, he didn’t stop until husband apologized. Whatever.

Now, this is where I feel slighted. Since my birthday, both of the other brothers’ wives have had birthdays. One was given well wishes in the family group chat, the other falls on a holiday and was celebrated in person. My FIL even acknowledged the birthdays of his damn dogs in the family group chat.

AIO at this, because I became very disappointed after the dogs birthday shout out. Obviously nothing will come from it, just wanted to be validated.

For context, I have the world’s best dog like actually. Amazing with kids, unfazed by animals/other stimuli, and such a people pleaser. Her only flaw is not knowing her own physical limits for people’s approval. Everyone loves to interact with her, so we often bring a ball for people to play fetch with her. Husband and I let everyone know to only play in a flat area, within a certain radius so she doesn’t sprint too hard and to take ample breaks.

My FIL ignores any concern for her health and uses the ball launcher to send it flying physically as far as he can take it for his own amusement. I was especially pissed that he didn’t concern himself with the rough and unsteady terrain he sent it into, leading me to follow my dog into it for her safety. He knew where the dog was allowed to fetch from, it wasn’t anything unreasonable and the rest of the family had no problems respecting it. He threw it so fast that she lost it and got stuck in a certain area.

Once I got back with the dog and the ball, I quietly put the ball launcher away but left the ball for the kids to still play with her. I didn’t make a big show of anything, I didn’t even show that I was upset after coming back. I dusted myself off out of view and down played how far it went for my concerned husband.

My FIL was visibly upset later that I removed the launcher, stating that he’d throw out his arm to play with the dog. He moped to my husband and practically demanded for it. His elderly arm threw it within the distance I was comfortable with. Problem solved.

I just have to laugh at his hypocrisy, otherwise I’d be pulling my hair out.

Years ago now, I found out that my then-boyfriend (now-husband) had a heavy addiction. It changed the way I saw him and how I understood how he felt about our 5-year long relationship at the time. I was devastated, but he wanted help so I stayed and supported him with his recovery. Admittedly, we both struggled through it but utilized all the resources we had to do it the “right” way.

Two of my SILs felt that I was controlling husband and isolating him from friends and family during that time and decided without consulting husband that I needed to be out of his and their lives. To protect their brother, and against his wishes mind you, they ostracized me for about a year and a half. It culminated in scratching out my face in a family photo displayed in his family home that I found on Christmas Day.

My husband hadn’t believed me originally and wanted to prioritize the holiday (something now he greatly regrets). He was livid at his sisters when I showed him again the next day, but I had asked him to wait until after New Years to say something to his father so that we could at least enjoy the holidays without more drama.

His father was mad at the situation and I heard from a brother that one of the sisters was staying with him since she was kicked out for the weekend. My husband received a call from the kicked out sister telling him that he should have kept it between siblings, as now she has uncertain housing/future for her and her child as a single mom. The phone call was painfully long with no remorse for the act, just victimizing herself. Husband had even pitied and comforted his sister (something again he now regrets).

His father had called a family meeting at the expense of my embarrassment, literally calling it the “[TEACH-DANGEROUS]’ situation”. My husband used that meeting to admit his addiction, to which his father told him to stop excusing MY behavior with his own, as if the addiction wasn’t the cause of my mistreatment but another effect of it. The two sisters avoided taking ownership of the picture but did apologize.. to my husband for seeing it. They told my husband how I could have better handled the situation in front of the whole family, criticizing my failed attempts to remedy the situation without his father’s involvement. His father was satisfied with the confrontation and confirmed with me later that they did apologize so it should be fine now.

When we moved apartments two weeks after that Christmas, I didn’t want his sisters to come with the embarrassment and torment still fresh. His father defended the daughter he hadn’t kicked out and she came. When I bought a house a year later, both sisters came again and largely ignored me in my own home. They referred to the house as my husband’s, having understood that I purchased it alone and we were not married yet.

I guess things ended up where they should be because husband is sober and we are doing great now. My husband did use that time to learn how enmeshed he was with his family, and since then made an effort to prioritize me. I make no effort with my SILs other than being cordial. My husband and I also have a solid 2 years of financial boundaries with his family! We no longer buy anyone exorbitant gifts or treat the whole family to outings and dinners. We only have select few family members come over now, but his father checks all the photos in MY house to make sure no one is defaced still as if I would ever steep as low as them.

We have a grafted tree that stands over 5.5ft tall and has the trunk the size of an expo marker.

We planted it just last month and already see decent new growth with the buds. Aside from one sagging branch, the tree seems very healthy and strong.

I’d be heart broken to pluck them off, but want to make sure it can endure the winter of Zone 9b. Should we still prioritize the canopy and the roots this summer?

My husband and I are happily married in our 20s, without children (for now). I bought a small starter home prior to our wedding, which is where we live. It’s modest, but I do enjoy hosting small parties on my terms. Usually just parties of 8-10 for our friends, his closest siblings and his parents, and/or my family of 6.

My husband’s large immediate family of 7 siblings wanted us to host Mother’s Day to give a break for the mothers in his family (his mother, two sisters and his SIL). While I do love his family, I have a strained relationship with two of his sisters, one of which I’d have to celebrate. They had ignored me completely/gossiped about me during the only time we had invited them all over for our housewarming and have scratched out my face in photos at their father’s house (as adult women). I didn’t like the idea of hosting them specifically in my home again, but have no problem bringing flowers and food to be cordial somewhere else.

We respectfully declined hosting, reasoning that I could not celebrate my Mother and host a party of 25+ people in the same day. We ended up celebrating at his parents’ house, where most of the siblings live/ all the celebrations have been. One other sibling has a house, but they were not offering to host as that sister is also a mother.

We were met with backlash for a lot of yesterday’s celebrations. My husband’s mother had to host/cook for the potluck. My husband and I did not honor the celebration of Mothers because we could have done more (note that no one was faulting the fathers really at all). I literally babysat/ played with all my nieces and nephews the whole potluck to give the Moms a break, yet they felt the children still could have had more fun at my house.

AITAH?

Edited: corrected mothers’ to husband’s mother had to host/cook.

Years ago now, my then-boyfriend (now Husband) and I had a very personal situation that nearly ended our relationship. It was a very delicate matter of addiction that completely changed the way I saw him as a person and our relationship of 5 years at that point.

We were dealing with the situation as best we could and were trying to maintain our privacy for his sobriety. My ILs saw it differently. My husband withholding our relationship issues from them showed my ILs that I was controlling and isolating him from his family and friends. They knew my husband had a vice but not the full weight of it, and instead of allowing us to deal with it ourselves, my SILs rationalized that I was in the wrong somehow. My actual crime was not telling my ILs of my husband’s addiction so we could get through the early stages of withdrawal while he got help (they would not have been helpful).

My husband was irritable in early stages of recovery, and my SILs rationalized it was my fault. My SILs decided to “support” my husband by ostracizing me for about a year and a half. My face was scratched out of a family portrait for me to find on Christmas Day. My SILs talked poorly about me within earshot at family functions. My SILs purposely excluded me from family photos and outings “by accident”. When it first started to happen, I tried to defend myself, but my spirit died out because I wasn’t in the mental state to deal with my SILs AND husband. My husband tried to tell them off, but even at his own plea they wouldn’t; they’d be upset that he was choosing me over them, when clearly they’re only acting this way to get me out of his life to save him.

It had finally culminated in my husband outing his addiction to his whole family, since he couldn’t take my mistreatment anymore. His family was horrified, you’re not suppose to talk about those type of things and he was the golden boy. They ignored his addiction, and instead made it a bigger deal he was defending me against his sisters. Family is first. I was changing him for the worse, and my help in his recovery was wrong. I don’t have any vices, but his addiction must have been my fault. SILs excused their behaviors, explaining they were only acting in husband’s best interest with what they did know.

My SILs did end up apologizing… to my husband. They told my husband how I could have done things to make them stop, but even when I had I had done it wrong. It’s been several years now since their mistreatment, but for the life of me, I will never be able to see my SILs differently. They intentionally hurt me for so long without any actual cause.

My husband is still sober today and has a new appreciation for life, which I am forever grateful for.