r/etiquette

Hello all,

I don't know how to say this without sounded entirely rude, but I have a coworker that I don't really have an interest in getting to know outside of work. I currently work in a small office (less than thirty people) and the coworker I share a position and desk space.

We are generally, pretty civil to each other in the workplace, but otherwise don't talk or make plans to see each other outside of work. I don't have any issues with this person, except that sometimes I think they can be kind of insensitive when dealing with some of our clients. For privacy reasons, I don't want to say more about our workplace, but dealing with client's stress and anxiety is a pretty significant part of our job, and this coworker is not always the best at handling these situations delicately.

Recently, the coworker asked me "Do you want to come over sometime? Or do you feel like you see enough of me at work?" I just said no lol, and then lied and said I was just going to be busy the next few weeks. Coworker seemed fine by this and didn't really ask me anymore questions, and hasn't seemed to behave differently towards me at work.

I just feel like maybe I was a bit rude, and I'm not sure how to keep turning someone down for plans, especially since the offers are usually open ended and I can't just be like "Oh sorry I have plans that weekend". I think our "working" relationship is fine, and I feel like a big weirdo for not having the desire to know this person better outside of work.

We are also at different stages of life and don't share a lot of common interests, but I don't think that stuff really matters since I am good friends with other people with interests that differ from mine.

I RSVPed “yes” to a party a few months ago and now it’s coming up. The host invited me when we were a lot closer friends than we are now. Nothing bad has happened in our friendship, we’ve just distanced. I saw her recently and mentioned the upcoming party, and she seemed surprised/like she had forgotten I would be attending. I was already not feeling like going, and now it doesn’t seem like she’d really care either way so would it be rude to come up with an excuse not to go?

Hello! Meeting my (23F) boyfriend's (25) family for the first time! They're planning to have a family dinner and invited me as well. This will be my first time meeting them and I wanna make a decent impression as they won't be coming back here for awhile after as they live abroad.

I'm naturally a shy and introverted person so I tend to make things awkward when I interact with new people. I would like to ask some tips and advices, anything would be a big help to me 🥹 TYIA! 💕

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I don’t mean just expecting guests to bring a side to share, regardless it’s homemade or store bought. That’s fine.

But what about specifically expecting guests to bring something they made? Am I wrong to feel a bit put off by that? You don’t know people’s personal schedules. What if they are completely zapped of time and energy just caring for their family, working full time, etc.? What if they had an extremely difficult week and all they have the time and energy for is to grab a meat and cheese tray with some crackers? Or a pie already made from the bakery?

Why does it matter if what they bring is homemade or not as long as they don’t show up empty handed? I think it’s a bit whack to expect a homemade dish for a cookout. Let people bring what they want. Whether it’s some elaborate, made from scratch dish, or a bag of chips with quac.

Edit: this is specifically for a “casual cookout” as stated in the title. I don’t know where everyone is getting potluck from. Potlucks are different than burgers and hotdogs-on-the-grill cookouts.

I could really use some outside perspective.
A few months ago, I lost one of the most important people in my life. She was a surgeon I worked with and initially my mentor/direct supervisor, but over the years she became one of my closest friends.
I’m in my 20s and she was in her 70s, so I know that dynamic probably sounds unusual. Working in surgery, we spent hours together in the OR several days a week, often just the two of us. Outside of work, we texted constantly. I’d watch her dogs when she traveled, spend time at her house, and we’d go on walks or grab drinks together. She became one of the people I talked to almost every day.
She was honestly more excited about my wedding than I was. She talked about it all the time, and was obviously supposed to be there. Her wife is still invited.
I’m considering inviting her two siblings and their spouses, but I don’t know if that would be inappropriate since I don’t really have an independent relationship with them.
I met one of her sisters three times while she was alive. I met her brother and his wife at the hospital shortly before she passed, and then again at the memorial, where we spent hours talking together.
At the memorial, I told her brother it was hard to explain my grief because people just saw her as someone I worked with. He told me, “What you tell people is you lost your friend.”
When I apologized to her sister for feeling like I had overstayed my welcome, she told me not to apologize because while my mentor was in the hospital, she had heard her call me her daughter. Explaining how happy it made her knowing that her sister got to experience that type of relationship as she did not have children.
Family meant everything to her. Before she passed, I’d actually considered asking if she’d want me to invite her sister because I knew how important family was to her. I genuinely think she would have loved having her siblings included.
The only hesitation is that we have a limited guest list, so every invitation matters.
If I decide to invite them, I’d need to ask her wife for their mailing addresses, and I worry that might come across as overstepping. If I do invite them I plan on including a handwritten note explaining that she was honestly more excited about our wedding than I was, how much it breaks my heart that she won’t be there, and that it would mean so much to have them there if they’re able. I’d also make it clear there’s absolutely no pressure to attend.
Would inviting them be thoughtful, or would it put them in an awkward position? And if you were her wife, would you think it was strange if I reached out to ask for their addresses?

My neighbour's husband died on Canada Day. Is a card enough, or should I give flowers too? They're not having a funeral. They're cremating him and scattering his ashes at their cottage. There will be a memorial.

Do I give the card/flowers now, and something else at the memorial and is a card enough?

My family has rented a summer cottage for 2 weeks for the past 2 years and will be again in August. The owner, a lovely woman in her 80s, lives next door. The mattresses have got to be 40 years old and are torturous to sleep on. Can I/how can I offer to buy a mattress (that she could keep) without offending or confusing her?

My family is not American, and my girlfriend invited me to her grandmothers house on the Fourth of July..Do I bring food? Drinks? Something?? I’ve never been invited to anything like this.

She told me it was fine, but I’d still feel bad if I don’t bring anything.

I became close with a girl over the last two years who I’ve really enjoyed as a human. I invited her to my wedding because I sort of met her during my engagement era, and I figured why not. She’s smart and a great person and we have fun together. We’re not besties, but I figured let me extend an invite.

My rsvp deadline was today, and I never received hers, so I texted her. She took the whole day to respond, and finally said ‘thanks for the reminder, submitted’.

I go on my merry way until tonight when I check my website and see she rsvped for herself and a random name. I text her and say ‘hey thanks for submitting! Is X your new boyfriend?!’

She told me it’s her cousin, who is a girl.

While I’m not opposed to bringing a friend, it just feels a bit off?

1. She didn’t rsvp until I had to reminder her on the deadline (most friends get excited and will rsvp right away)
2. She is not in a relationship so she didn’t get a plus 1
3. Assumed she could bring someone who I have never met without asking first? She said she asked, but there’s nothing in our texts about her asking…unless I blacked out while we were together one day? But I’m 99% sure she didn’t ask to bring someone. And typically it would be a partner or bf

I ended up saying that our space is limited and I’m happy for her to bring a guest if it’s a partner, but a random family member? She waited to the last minute and didn’t even ask…I told her there’s no pressure and she shouldn’t feel obligated to come if she doesn’t feel comfortable coming alone. She said she wouldn’t know anyone so that’s why she rsvped for her cousin.

She’s not comfortable coming, so she’s going to decline. It’s all good and there was no hostility, I just felt it was sort of odd.

I wish people had the courage to just say ‘can’t make it’ if they didn’t want to come. I think sometimes people don’t know how to say no. But I’m such a chill girl, like I don’t care either way, just let me know. Also, at 35, I would go alone! I have other single friends coming and in my opinion, bringing a friend at that age feels sorta weird.

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I (26F) have been with my boyfriend (26M) for 2 years. One of my closest friends (26F) invited me to a graduation dinner at her house. It's not really a party, more like a dinner celebrating her graduation with her family and a few close friends.

We're a trio of best friends, they've known each other for about 10 years and me for 5. She invited me and our other friend in the trio, but she didn't invite my boyfriend or our other friend's fiancé. Because of that, I think it was intentional that partners weren't included, probably because it's at her house and there are limited seats/food.

The only thing making this awkward is that, by coincidence, my boyfriend and I will already be in the same gated community since lunch time visiting other friends. So while I'm at this dinner, he'd be hanging out elsewhere nearby and then we'd meet up afterward (he also prefers that I don't head home alone at night, the gated community is quite far away from my area).

My boyfriend thinks that since my friend and I are so close, it wouldn't hurt to ask if he could join the dinner. I feel like asking puts her in an awkward position. Since it's a graduation celebration at her home, I feel like the guest list was probably planned intentionally, and asking if I can bring someone who wasn't invited seems rude, especially since both me and our relationship status rank "lower" than the girl whose fiancee isn't going.

So my etiquette question is: Would it be rude to ask if my boyfriend could join, or is that an acceptable question between close friends? I usually would never ever ask, but the fact that he'll be basically next door + him telling me that it's not a blunder is making me question my kneejerk reaction.

I go to a lot of things, but sometimes, like tomorrow, I just don’t feel like going. I don’t wanna socialize and see everyone and be out in the heat. It’s my day off and I planned to do some cleaning and taking it easy after my work week which took a toll on me. I think Thosre all valid reasons, however I still get a bit of FOMO and feel like a loser that I wanna skip. I’m also not the type that’s like “wow, I’m glad I went”. I just don’t feel like socializing is all. And it’s mostly the older adults that are going, so I don’t care to chat with them.

I have an acquaintance named “Dan”. I’ve only ever seen him as an acquaintance but he makes comments that make me uncomfortable like viewing me as a “little sister” (I’m in my 30’s, he’s in his 40’s). I have no idea why he thinks we’re close when I’ve always been standoffish. He’s frequently trying to hang out despite me usually declining or leaving him on read.

Last Christmas he tried really hard to get me to go to dinner at an expensive restaurant with him, his wife and 2 of their friends that are a couple and I don’t know. He refused to accept no for an answer, tried to guilt trip me into it and acted offended and passive aggressive when I stood my ground saying no.

Recently “Dan” broke his hip and seems to think I’m his emotional support person. Constantly trying to get me to come to his house to hang out (he’s been doing that for a year and the answer has always been no) and it’s the way he says it that bothers me too- not even asking if I want to, it’s “you need to come over to hangout with me because I’m bedridden and lonely”- I’m sorry he got hurt but I’m not comfortable going to his house and I don’t need to do anything.

I’ve been extremely stressed with my own problems lately and he’s been blowing me up.. Few weeks ago I stopped replying all together because shit hit the fan for me and I don’t have the energy to deal with him. “Dan” couldn’t accept the silence and started texting more, being passive aggressive about it. When that didn’t get a reply he started calling and left a voicemail. When that didn’t get a reply he tracked down my main Reddit account that I never shared with him. I had only mentioned “I mod ___ sub” and I’m not even the only mod on there. So “Dan” hunted down the account and DM’d me straight up starting with “I understand if you don’t want to talk but I need you to [personal favor]”. If he truly understood why the hell is he tracking down my account? After I didn’t reply to the dm and blocked him he called again.

It’s been silent for the last few days thank glad, but I’m extremely uncomfortable he DM’d an account I never shared with him and now I feel awkward on my main wondering if he’s stalking it.

Again, I know it wasn’t nice to ghost him but it was overwhelming af how much he was texting, saying no/setting boundaries in the past hasn’t really worked with him- he doesn’t listen and wants what he wants, and I’ve been at my wits end with my own problems.

Am I being too harsh but is this guy crossing lines?

Long story short it’s 7am, my coworker doesn’t start work until 10am, I’m getting off a shift as I’m typing this and just opened my phone to see that I butt dialed a coworker who doesn’t like me very much (I’m not sure why, they’re just super weird towards me). Both calls lasted 2 minutes before they hung up the phone. I’m not sure what to do. I’ll be running into them tomorrow and feel super embarrassed about this situation, what do I do? Is it worth sending a short message apologizing for it and saying it was an accident or no?

My family has just received our invite for a family friend's wedding. Our families have been friends for over 20 years and the oldest daughter is getting married. The invite is only for my parents, myself & my sibling. Neither my husband nor my sibling's partner of five years is invited. The bride and her fiancé have met my husband before, and have come over to my family's house for dinner on a number of occasions over the years, which included my sibling's partner.

My husband and I married around 12 months ago, and both the bride and her fiancé were invited to our wedding, as well as her parents and her younger brother. Her parents did reach out to my parents a little while after our invites went out, asking if the younger brother could bring his girlfriend. This was the first time we had heard he had a new girlfriend, and at that stage they had only been dating 4 or so months, and we had never met her. We apologetically declined, as our final numbers & seating arrangements had pretty much been locked in at that stage (we had also never met this girlfriend or heard of her until then) and thought he would still have a good time attending with his family and there was another single guy attending with his family that he got along well with.

Do you think it could be a snub relating to this..? It just seems strange for the invite to exclude an actual husband & a long-term partner of 5 years.... also to add on this is an International wedding, requiring long-haul flights and large expenses. Is this wedding etiquette faux pas or pretty reasonable?

For most of my adult life I have either gone on small trips or to events for my birthday. I usually casually invite friends if it’s something they’re also interred in. I’ve been with my, now, husband for a long time, so a lot of birthdays have been spent just him and I doing what we like to do, which has been great.

For my 30th, I’d like to change it up and would really love to have a themed house party; however I feel a bit odd about inviting people to come celebrate MY birthday.
I was thinking I could write it but have my husband send it (he’s a lovely guy but horrible planner), but it’d be super obvious I wrote it.

So is it a no to plan your own party? Or is there a certain way I should go about it?

I’m not the best with reading social things so any tips are super appreciated!

Update: Thank you all so much for your responses!! It seems like the majority think it’s normal, so that gives me confidence to move forward with planning. I certainly won’t ask anyone for anything, I’ll provide all the food and drinks. Thanks again!

For more context, let's say I pay for a monthly gym membership, and I do actually go to this gym anywhere from usually 1-3 times a week to actually work out. But occasionally I think about going there just to get a coffee (gym has a little coffee bar area for members). Also the gym has wifi so sometimes I also think about sitting down in the little lounge area just to get some work done on my laptop but it feels kind of illegal to spend time at the gym without doing a workout.

I feel like that would be weird especially if I’m obviously not wearing gym clothes. What are your thoughts? Where do you draw the line? lol