Absolutely despise my in-laws since having a baby.
Sorry for the long post but I’ve been holding this for so long and need somewhere to vent and listen/ read others experiences.
I (34 F) and my husband (35 M) had our first child almost 18 months ago. At the time we didn’t live near either of our parents and it was a 3-4 hour flight to travel to see them. Initially I would say that I had a gold relationship with my in-laws, we got along, family holidays were fine, sure they could be irritating and often say stupid things. I will say I always noticed that they can be snobs and think they know best all time, often ignoring someone’s wishes and doing what they wanted anyway and when called out always played dumb. Red flags I initially thought nothing of. But as soon as LO arrived things just spiraled. They came to visit 2 weeks postpartum which was not at all what I wanted but felt pressured to have them because we were moving a few months later and things would have been packed up. They stayed for 10 days and left the same day my parents (who listened to my wishes and waited 4 weeks before visiting) arrived which left no room to mentally and emotionally reset.
From the second they walked in the door I was so anxious and just wanted to hold and cuddle my baby who was cluster feeding. They bee-lined straight for us on the couch and didn’t even look at me and immediately started to touch the baby and demand cuddles while I had them on my chest. It felt awful. They didn’t stay in our home but would be there from sun up to sun down and hover like vultures which made me feel like I couldn’t just relax and hold my baby and instead had to host and hold conversation and give my baby up so they could have cuddles, watch my change his nappy over my shoulder, take him so we could go to dinner (he’s 2 weeks old!!) etc. MIL made comments on how I was breast feeding and would sit right next to me on the couch which led to me covering up in my own home and feeling so uncomfortable. This was the start of issues between my husband and I because he’s a people pleaser and struggled to manage conflict which often led to me being let down and not made to feel like a priority. He also didn’t understand how anxious I was feeling and understandably wanted his parents involved but at the detriment of my mental wellbeing. We ended up in therapy because I couldn’t handle it anymore and he didn’t support me when I needed him to buffer his parents. I was ready to seperate. Things are improving, he’s changed and holds firm boundaries with his parents but I still have days where I am not sure I can move past the broken trust and hurt.
Long story short we ended up moving to be near his family because I lost my job on maternity leave and we wanted to start an apprenticeship. His parents are in their 70s and his dad is not exactly a picture of health and several medical concerns arose. My husband was worried he may pass so I agreed to move. In hindsight, worst idea ever. I was terribly homesick, isolated and lonely having no friends or family around and just constant interactions with the in-laws. I was a SAHM and adjusting to motherhood without the people who knew me the best. I understand the excitement of a new grand baby and the first one at that but the overstepping and entitlement was awful. I don't understand the obsession the boomer generation has with separating the baby from the mother in order to “help” and “bond/connect”. It was next level.
They always centred their experience as grand parents and never seemed to care for or respect my role as the mother Or what it would be like for me to not have my own support network. They would make comments about being disappointed as they thought it would be a communal raising experience and that I never asked for help and keep them at arms length. Their version of help was taking my baby so I could do x, y, z. It honestly baffles me that people can’t comprehend that I perhaps I don’t want to be separated from my baby and that adjusted my life because I had a baby that baby is now a part of running errands etc. He was also EBF. My MIL kept saying “my baby” to my son and walking away out of the room and house with him even though I had asked her not to. They always made a point of saying my son looked like everyone on their side of the family and nothing like me. They always greeted my son and made a song and dance and would then greet me like an after thought. They would try to just show up at our home and often push to be a part of every milestone. They make comments about me not trying to settle into the new state because I hadn’t made deep friendships in mothers group yet and say that I’m not even trying. They take my baby out of arms and kiss him even when we have asked them not to and had this weird obsession with making him walk while they held is hands above his head when was cleary wasn’t ready bir should be forced to do it. I’m a physio so this grinded every time I asked them not too and they debated it.
Theres just been a lot of related behaviours that make me not trust them at all and never want to leave my child with them because they will do whatever they want the second I’m gone because they think they know best. They act dumb when you ask them not to do something like it was a simple mistake and argue like our parenting and wishes are up for debate. Several times when my husband confronted them about their behaviour they would say that we are being controlling and sensitive. They would eventually apologise and then behind our back would complain to their other son who thankfully called them out and saying they were being disrespectful. It still makes my skin crawl when they interact with my son and a part of me feels like I’m being a pushover by letting them still have a relationship with him after how they made me feel.
Reading this back it feels like such little nit picky things but over the last 18 months it’s just worn me down horribly to the point that I hate them for ruining my first experience of motherhood. I don’t speak to them directly anymore and my husband handles the communication. If my MIL calls or texts I ignore it because I honestly don’t have the energy to care or deal with it. I’m trying to manage my mental health so that I can show up for my son the way he deserves. I am so deeply hurt that I don’t want anything to do with them but I feel guilty because I know my husband loves them and wants them to be present. They aren’t horrible people just self centred and out of touch. We have made the decision to move back soon which I am so grateful for and know that being back with my support network with help so much with my mental wellbeing. My husband has a support network there too and acknowledges that leaving wasn’t the best decision.
Anyway if you have made it this far, thank you so much for reading and listening. I would love to hear your advice and/ or experiences.