r/Mildlynomil

I’m struggling with resentment toward my MIL after having twins and I don’t really know how to move forward.

During my pregnancy she constantly overstepped with unwanted advice and criticism. She would tell me what I should and shouldn’t eat, comment on my weight, recommend diet pills her friend was taking, etc.

Now that the twins are here, it’s somehow worse. When the girls were only 7 days old and I was freshly postpartum, she pointed out what felt like 10 different things we were supposedly doing wrong as parents or things she thought were wrong with the babies. I cried hysterically on the drive home because I was already struggling emotionally and physically postpartum.

My partner did confront her, but it immediately became about how SHE was the victim and how she was “being treated like an asshole.” Things calmed down for a little while, but I later saw messages between her and my partner where she was still criticizing the girls based on photos sent in the family group chat

Now I feel anxious whenever she visits because I’m scared she’ll start with the unsolicited advice and criticism again and it’ll upset me. I also resent her a lot now, which I hate because I do respect her and don’t want conflict.

The issue is there’s also a language barrier, so I feel nervous confronting her directly because she misunderstands me a lot of the time. My partner says he’s already said everything that needs to be said, but it just doesn’t seem to get through to her.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has dealt with this kind of MIL dynamic postpartum? How do you set boundaries without causing a massive family fallout?

This is definitely mild, but quite annoying.

I have a scheduled c-section because my baby is breech. I’m literally 3 days away from giving birth. My MIL has asked on at least 5+ occasions if I would reconsider scheduling the c-section so that it will land on my SIL’s (her daughter) birthday. I intentionally requested to my doctor that my surgery NOT be scheduled on SIL’s birthday because I don’t feel like my son should have to share a birthday with such a close family member. SIL hasn’t said a word on the topic, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t care at all. Today is her birthday and my MIL has texted twice in the last 24 hours asking me to reconsider and just go check into the hospital now. I have explained several times that I don’t want them to share a birthday, and most importantly- I don’t want to switch to an unscheduled c-section as more risks can arise. Additionally, the MIL and SIL aren’t even in the area, because they prioritized celebrating SIL’s birthday across the country… I think she thinks she’s being cute or funny, but I’m so irritated. My husband has always been so supportive and defended me when necessary, but in this case he keeps assuring me that she’s “just kidding”. It’s so hard to tell when she mostly texts about it. What a dumb thing to kid about… especially this many times. Just needed to vent about how annoying and stupid this is.

Just wanted to vent.

My husband and I are expecting our first baby after infertility and a difficult year. We are so excited and couldn’t wait to announce to the wider family (aunts, uncles, cousins etc).

My family already know as I’ve been telling the ones I’m in touch with as and when I get a chance to speak to them face to face or over the phone /video call. I started sharing the news around 18-19 weeks.

MIL expressed that in their family, nobody announces or makes a big deal of pregnancy and that she doesn’t think we should make any sort of announcement. We explained that we wanted to, and wanted it to be cute / funny and memorable.

She’s now mentioned this and tried to push back / get SIL to advise us, to the extent that we’re feeling not only pressured but annoyed and frustrated that something joyful has turned into an ongoing argument. I don’t feel like doing it anymore. And I may look back and regret that, but I’m just put off. Because it turned into an argument between my husband and my MIL, she changed her mind without telling us she had, and has now backtracked saying that actually she had planned to “surprise” us by getting everyone together so that my husband and I can still make our announcement.

My husband does understand my frustrations, but unfortunately he struggles to communicate with my MIL as he gets quickly frustrated and isn’t always clear and direct with communication about these kinds of things

Just a vent because I can’t do anything else about it at the moment. Feel like another special, memorable and personal thing has been ruined by my MIL needing to control everything.

So there's a LONG history of things that have happened with MIL, but to keep it concise she regularly talks about me and my SIL behind our backs (including to each other despite the fact we are close friends and obviously tell each other what is said). She has also repeatedly created stories about things that simply didn't happen to make me look bad, including crying to my husband and brother in law saying that my mom was really rude to her and upset her when we went out one day...I was there the entire time, we had a lovely day and my mom bought her coffee and cake, when I dropped her home she even said what a lovely day it had been. This is one of many examples.

Anyway....I'm now postpartum with our 1st baby (1st grandchild) and MIL has already crossed several boundaries. She now repeatedly talks about when she's going to look after the baby every time we see her, even though she knows I have anxiety about leaving my baby atm as she is only 3 months old and I don't feel ready. It's as if she's making it clear to us she will be doing it, whether we like it or not. We visit MIL and FIL a minimum of 3 times per week so that they can see the baby. My SIL has now told me that they told her and BIL that they never get to see the baby, they havent seen her for over a week etc which is simply not true. She's also been telling BIL shes so upset that our baby won't know her because I don't leave her with them, and now he's apparently annoyed at me. I can't bring it up to my husband as I don't want BIL to be angry with SIL for telling me. MIL is the type to cry whenever she is called out for anything and I just dont need the drama while I'm caring for my baby, but the lies are really annoying me now.

Sorry for the long rant and apologies if this is a little scrambled, I am just stressed about so many things she's done lately it's hard to put into words concisely.

Mil is here for the next couple of weeks.

As per title. Every year it’s a repeat of bad smells and bad manners. Just wanted to vent and share.

She wears the same socks every single day without washing them. By the end of the stay, I can smell the socks as soon as I get home. She has incontinence but showers maybe once every few days, which means the smell transfers to my sofa and I can smell her when she walks by. I’ve given up asking her to wash her hands more, it just causes a fight and nothing changes. The knock-on effect is she almost always ends up getting sick, and last time she passed it to me. Dreading a repeat.

Table manners (or lack of)

Won’t use a knife , so just pushes food onto her fork with her fingers. Starts eating before anyone else has even sat down. When we’ve mentioned it she doesn’t apologise, just carries on. If she doesn’t hear something she just barks “WHAT?!” across the table.

We have an open plan kitchen/living room and she plants herself in it constantly. Never retreats to her room to give us any breathing space. The sofa has basically become hers.

I honestly think that if her hygiene was better these annoying things would be easier to handle but her being here is an attack on my sense of smell, which is very good (unfortunately)

Counting down the days! I’ve booked myself a short hotel stay and lied that it was for work already.

Hello everyone.

I've posted on here and JNMIL almost 2 years ago about my situation, and although things with my inlaws are somewhat stable now, I'm still having some trouble.

My MIL always has to have her way, and when it comes to my son, who is 20 months old, she wants to "spoil" him. I'm fine with his little gifts, and letting him have a little treat every once in a while, but they see him 2-3 times a week, and this week was exhausting they wanted to see my son every single day this week, my MIL doesn't have a job and doesn't have hobbies so she makes being a grandma her entire personality now. I told my husband that I need a break from seeing his family all week and he agrees.

Give a little grace and this is what MIL does. Oversteps boundaries again.

To get on with the post itself, MIL doesn't really babysit our son without one of us there. She has only "watched" him for us for 30-40 mins 2 times in his entire life since we had something urgent to take care of. She wants to babysit and keeps demanding to, but when she does, my sisters in law tend to take over the actual responsibility of watching him since MILs health is meh. She gets very obviously jealous when I visit my parents with my son, and constantly seems to be in competition to be the favorite grandma. Lately in laws have been slipping and calling her "mama" when speaking to my toddler...example "go with mama" , "go tell your mama". I correct it when I can.

MIL also has a bad habit of letting my son do whatever he wants with no boundaries. She let's him climb tables, grabs him and puts him on their dressers, bed with shoes on, slapping and hitting the dogs, etc. Usually when I'm not in the room, or she takes him to another room and let's him do these things, then I have to follow and do my best to correct while she stares blankly or laughs while son does these things. She thinks it's just hilarious and cute. Now I'm having major issues with son doing this at our own home, he constantly climbs the table, tries to get up on our dresser, bookshelves, etc. Smacks our outdoor cat and terrorizes her, which results in me having to be quite strict at home with him. I feel bad that I constantly have to say no, constantly have to bring him inside when he so much at throws something in the cats direction. This has been going on since he was 9 months old, my in laws would laugh and laugh when son would smack me or husband.

And MIL just laughs and says "he's such a bad boy, he loves trouble".

I'm exhausted and don't want to cause issues with my inlaws again, but I'm done with her bad influence. It's just MIL. Father in law and sisters in law all try their best to reinforce boundaries with my son, but I'm afraid if he continues to be around her multiple times a week these behaviors will take forever to correct. I know these are normal toddler behaviors, but the frequency is what concerns me, and the fact that MIL constantly reinforces the behavior by laughing, egging him on, and saying how cute and playful he is.

I'm already thinking about spending less time over at inlaws and not letting them have my toddler alone until he is older and I can have a conversation with my SIL about setting boundaries with him so he won't be too hard to handle.

My husband just sits on his phone when he's visiting with in laws and has my son over there, so he doesn't even pay attention, which is why I started going as well, because I realized when son would get back home from visiting them he was always extra rowdy.

To give some background:

Me and DH are not NC with MIL. I've been with DH, and known her, for years.

However since we have had our own space a lot has emerged behavior-wise which has made both of us uncomfortable and has raised alarm bells for me. It started a little when we got our own place together (at the time she was going through some big relationship fallout but has since 'mended' her relationship with unfaithful SO.) At the time she was weird about how we didn't involve her SO in getting our place, I think she made out that it was because he has a background in property (? They were not involved in any way financial or otherwise so can only assume it stemmed from her own insecurities around 'acceptance' of SO and her own relationship decisions.)

When we got married her drama got significantly worse in the lead up to our wedding (which we paid for and organised completely) and she organised to come over with SO one evening (at our home) and the complaints were similar. Why hadn't we invited SO to look at our venue (?!) and why were we not inviting four of their friends for the whole day (just evening). She was literally in tears about it and said it was 'her day too'. I didn't react and in fact stayed pretty composed, a lot of this seemed (disrespectfully?) aimed only at DH. Luckily we are really on the same page about her behavior and he stood up for both of us and we didn't change anything based on their requests. The one time I tried to speak up for myself though, she said we were talking over her and she stood up to leave... it wasn't great. She never apologized for this and brought it all up again by text with my DH when they'd left. I ended up texting her and politely saying she needed to give us space over the wedding because it was our day. She never replied and set up a 'walk' with DH where she said my message was 'vile' and she was only prepared to apologize to DH, as otherwise she wouldn't come to the wedding. It's pretty hard to stomach that she can't acknowledge and be accountable for upsetting me. She seems to also have a complex over how close DH is with my parents, who she and her SO have never made an effort to engage with. So there are probably a few angles. What was even more insane was that she came to the wedding in this particular style and color gown (she knew my bridesmaids were going to wear this style and color, luckily she picked a totally different shade of this color) but it was obvious what she was doing and deliberately entered our ceremony room just before my girls. It was something to laugh about honestly but it showed me more of this toxic and narcissistic side to her (we had an awesome wedding day anyhow!)

I've since been distancing myself hugely and we collectively limit contact to maybe a few times a year anyways as DH doesn't have a great or close relationship with her. She has never spoken about, addressed or apologized for her behavior since.

However I've been with DH for years so I'm also connected to MIL on linkedin (whyyyy) and we now work in the same industry (she even sat down with me at ours to get advice on it when she was very new to it, which in hindsight was just her using me) - I'm going through a big job transition soon and just don't want my life changes to be visible to her. Everything just seems to become a weird talking point for her and I'm also just at a point where I want to control how much of a window she has into my life. It gives me great anxiety. Should I just disconnect with her or block her? I don't talk to her unless I'm seeing her with DH honestly but I want to avoid any drama. I feel like blocking her on WhatsApp would be more obvious but as I don't talk to her I'm more concerned about the unfortunate social media connection. DH said I should do whatever makes me comfortable.

Before anyone comments about kids, we don't have and don't plan to have them (frankly given how she is I'm happy this was always our mindset).

Any ops valued on how you navigate interactions like this.

Our baby girl is 4 months and my mother in law is visiting this week to help care for her while we are both at work during the day. My mil is in her 70s, very underweight and has osteoporosis. I told my husband that I do not want her carrying the baby up and downstairs because she could break her hip at any time. She has also said before that she needs to hold the handrail for balance on stairs but is denying ever saying it now. My husband says it s fine because his mom goes to the gym and lifts weights, but I am not comfortable with it. They both keep talking about how crazy I am being, I need some perspective. Is this boundary crazy or common? I am thankful she is helping out but still want my baby to be safe

Just to clarify: we have everything set up on the ground level for her so my mil doesn’t have to go up and down to get anything. pack and play with bassinet and changing table, bottles etc all set up. I know that physically she can lift the baby and walk with her on the ground level, I’m just very risk averse and anxious and I feel that there is a bigger risk for falls going up and downstairs especially when she wants to take her outside where we have multiple narrow brick steps in front of the house.

I am not close with my mil, she has boundary stomped and complained the whole time about not getting her way on things. While we shared the news we were expecting with her a little late in the first trimester, my SIL shared with her the next day they were also expecting a month after us. My mil has complained about every one of her other son/wifes pregnancies, this time saying it’s too soon and she cant celebrate everyone at once this year. She is thrilled to encounter being a grandma again. We celebrated our nieces birthday today and I asked my SIL if she complains about us to her, and then spilled the tea on my SIL about our MIL. Probably not the greatest idea but I’m tired of keeping it to myself and shouldn’t have to. It’s not fair to her.

Edited to add: I shared more of my experiences with my SIL, the complaining about not being part of our private vows, and worry about my marriage license being signed wrong (because what?!)

My (35F) MIL (F63) has separated from her boyfriend about 4 months ago. They were together about 2 years. She was living with him, so she moved out to an appartment.

Since then, she often calls my partner (M36) and I. She has always been a bit... low IQ. There is no nice way to say it, having a conversation with her is tedious. Like talking with a child who doesn't get anything. And she has always placed my partner, who is an only child, in the parent position.

During these video calls (about half are from her and half are my partner calling her, cause he feels bad for her), she always complains how lonely she is, how depressed she is, how she finds it hard to be alone.

Mind you, we have suggested she consults, join group activities, go out, etc. But she just complains. It has become so emptionnally draining! Even when she messages me, she ends up complaining of her loneliness.

I am begginning to be fed up with it, so I just stopped responding when she laments. And my partner has never had a relationship with her where they talk about deep stuff, it's always small tall. So he doesn't know either how to respond to that. The calls are getting really awkward, but maybe it will make her stop?

I want to stay "nice" for my partner's sake, but I really dislike her behaviour and I don't know how to react anymore during these calls. Any advice?

I’m trying to figure out if I’m reading too much into something with my MIL or if this would bother other people too.

My husband has a habit of leaving dirty socks around the house. Ever since our daughter was born, I usually do a quick sweep before people come over and toss them in the laundry. Sometimes I miss a pair.

My in-laws come over at least weekly, and on the handful of occasions over the last couple years where I forgot to pick up socks, my MIL has picked them up and placed them on a food-contact surface (kitchen counter, table, etc.) instead of just handing them to my husband, putting them near the laundry, or even leaving them where they were.

It’s happened enough times that it feels intentional/passive aggressive to me, but I also know I’m already somewhat anxious around her, so I’m trying to reality check myself.

Would this strike you as passive aggressive, or am I likely reading intent into something awkward but harmless?

Ok so a few things to note here, bear with me. My MIL and I and my MIL and my husband have had a super strained relationship since the birth of our son (21 months old). There have been a number of blowups between she and I and she and my husband. Around fall of last year she and I hashed things out over text (we live abroad) and kinda reached an understanding. Essentially that we don’t see eye to eye and there’s a lot of hurt on both sides (hers is less valid but whatever) and essentially she and I are just cordial and polite now. We can spend time together but we’re not BFFs. She and my husband are on better terms BUT still often fight. She has come to see us twice in the last 5 months and both times were fine and she and I got along fine and I would say I was a lovely host. Especially the second visit when I was in my first trimester dying.

She is very enmeshed but he is less so. A lot of it is cultural, etc. I should also mention she is not proficient in English and our understand of each other is sometimes limited. She’s very much into guilt tripping, playing the victim, “after all I’ve done for you”, “I guess I’m just the worst person in the world”, “I won’t ever call you again and bother your perfect little life”, etc.

Yesterday my husband went to the playground with our toddler while I stayed home, innocent and pregnant and cleaned up the house. He FaceTimes his parents and I guess our son went down the slide alone and his mom made a comment about this in an accusatory way. I’m not entirely sure what happened because I WAS NOT FUCKING THERE, but I guess he ignored her or rolled his eyes or something as our son is almost two and this slide is very age appropriate. Later that night she texts him and has this big meltdown about how she can’t say anything blah blah. He didn’t tell me much about the fight so this morning I snooped their convo (sorry pls) and I can’t help but either laugh or cry lol. Every single one of her messages was something like “it’s clear to me everything I say is wrong to you and your WIFE” (not my name btw), “I know in your wife’s eyes I can do nothing right” “it is is clear to me you have been poisoned against me by SOMEONE”, “your wife has me on the black list”.

Now here’s the thing, I do indeed dislike her. I find her toxic and problematic and would love to be NC with her. BUT, she’s also not my problem. I refuse to spend mental energy on her when I’m pregnant and chasing a toddler. My question is - this fight had literally nothing to do with me. I wasn’t even there. WHYYYYYYYY are you bringing me up? Why are you calling me “wife” when I’ve known you for 11 years and married for 5. Even after I did the noble thing and tried to patch things up with her so she could be a part of her grandkid’s lives… she’s bringing me into these random fights?

I know it’s common and toxic MILs do shit like this all the time. I’m not unique here. I guess it’s just exhausting when I’m literally out here being fat and pregnant and minding my own damn business and she’s involving me in these narratives. The funniest thing is that earlier that day I had told my husband that this second pregnancy has allowed me try to understand his mom’s insane actions since our son was born and that I’m working toward forgiving her and trying to move on. I’m literally not even mad or disappointed at this point, just so disinterested in even playing nice when it seems I get dragged into their toxicity regardless lol. If she’s gonna treat me like the villain in her story, maybe I should acquiesce and play the role? :)

Well I intended a month ago to come back for an update. But unfortunately I didn't.

My husband did tell his dad what was happening we were told that MIL had been put on a spending limit and was told to stop buying stuff that they don't need/ She'll wear once. Her last package was returned when it arrived at our home. She never got access to our camera.

We thought she would stop but apparently she hasn't. Yesterday we had another package show up for MIL. She showed up at our home to take it. No one was home at the time. She caused a major headache when she couldn't find her package. She called my husband and demanded I hand over her package. I never had it, I wasn't home when it arrived. I checked the camera and 15 minutes after it was dropped off somebody else walked up to our door and took it. I'm petty I think it's karma after she didn't listen to FIL. I told my husband who in turn told FIL. Don't know the consequences but this one is on her.

So MIL has gotten worse as my kids age and she caused me some major post
Issues after my second so I know I already just go in defensive.

She is Italian and language is a barrier but I accept if I’ve misunderstood.

Today we go to the pub with my 3.4 year old and 19 month old. I’ve put the baby in the seat got coloring for both and got some wiggles on my phone started in case. I’ve barely sat down, noticed baby is trying to chew the table and put it in my head that it’s clean I’ve wiped it ill move her now. Lazy MiL from across the table says “ ma no non (in the mouth) in Italian)” and I snapped I said wtf do you want me to do !
My thoughts she’s a toddler and it’s not the bin, I’ll get her tether in a second. So I got up to cool down in the loo cause I have a sharp tongue when escalated.

Do you see my frustration in her constantly pointing out what my kids are doing? Like I don’t know or won’t sort it? It was a table!

For some context here: I’ve had issues with my boyfriends mom starting back in fall of last year because I texted her and asked if we can communicate with each other about his birthday surprises and plans so they don’t overlap. Instead of responding to me directly she called my boyfriend , spazzed on him, and told him that I have to go through her to plan things for his birthday because I’m not his wife. (This all happened back in Sept/Oct last year)

Now since that incident last Sept/Oct. My birthday has came and gone and she never said anything at all. Not a call, text or nothing. We visited her home for Thanksgiving I said hello and that’s about it. We came for Christmas and again I said hello and was cordial to everyone. I haven’t had a real conversation with this woman since she went ballistic about my making birthday plans (last year) for my boyfriend of now 6 years. Randomly she left me a voicemail 2 months ago asking me to deliver water bottles that my boyfriend bought her because she also has something to give to him. Now I was perplexed as to why she thought it was appropriate to contact me asking for favors when we don’t speak in any capacity and according to her I’m not his wife. I chose to still be nice and texted her to let her know that we can maybe meet when I’m not at the gym as I was in the middle of a workout. She then responds and says that she’s home and not going out so I can go to her. Like what the actual fuck? Anyways I never responded and told my boyfriend he needs to handle that.

Now let’s go to present day…. My boyfriend and I share a car because I work days and he’s nights so we don’t need two cars. The car was involved with an accident TWICE within a month span. Because of this and random other life expenses we were strapped financially. I told my boyfriend that we can dip into our savings but he said no he wanted to save it for life or death emergencies and would rather ask his mom as it shouldn’t be problem since he never asks her for favors or loans etc. (since the 6 years we have been together he has only ever asked her for a ride a hand full of times) she ended up giving him the money and the car was then in the shop to be fixed. Not even a full 48 hours after she gave it to him, she put him and myself and a group chat. She didn’t even say hello or anything. Just said “ since the car is fixed I need a payment plan setup because this money will gain interest. Get back to me end of day “ I thought this was absolutely insane. I understand completely why she would want her money back but that’s between her and her son. I never speak to her in any capacity and didn’t need her money. I also think it was very passive aggressive with “interest” comment. My boyfriend ended up going to her house and she just aired out all of the grievances she had with me that we both didn’t know about and I’m truly just left confused. Clearly it was about the money , it’s me? But wtf do I do at this point? I don’t even talk to her and she still has issues

I am 25w pregnant with our first baby (together 12 years and married almost 9). My MIL was never my cup of tea but literally the day after we got engaged, she became completely insufferable. She told me I “didn’t need to get married in a church,” that I “didn’t need to have hard liquor” at the wedding (I disagreed, she snapped “I’m not paying for it then!” I informed her that I didn’t ask her to pay for anything,) acted like any decision we made was a direct insult to her, would bring it up in front of my niece so that I’d be more likely to comply, talked shit about me to my mom the day before our wedding, just not good. Needless to say, our potential for relationship is gone. I am not rude but I am not warm or particularly engaging when we see them.

My husband is a freaking angel. He had a hard time standing up to her throughout the wedding process because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, he’s the baby, etc. but eventually did and she got so angry. Their relationship has recovered.

So now we’re pregnant. When we told her, this woman who has something to say about everything, couldn’t have possibly said less. I don’t think she was happy.

I have a generally good relationship with my SIL. She effectively raised my husband and they’re very close. Her husband and I are very close too and the four of us (and their girls) spend a lot of time together, vacation together, etc.

SO, we’re pregnant. We’re thrilled. It wasn’t an easy road. My SIL texted me a few weeks ago asking if she could share the shower date with her mom. I said that was fine and I believed invites (from my sister) were going out soon. She then said her mom is wondering if her sisters will be invited. I respond that I have met them each once and that the shower is overwhelming to me and I kept the list to people I genuinely know and feel comfortable with. She responds that she gets it, but thinks her mom will be hurt, and that my husband needs to talk to her about it, but also kind of lays a guilt trip. Twice. I think the expectation given the history of our relationship is unreasonable, and also because my husband has literally no relationship with these people. I call him and explain and he’s so so supportive of my stance. He also tells me that his mom had texted him and asked if we were having a shower, he said yes and that my sister was planning it, and that was it. When we compared the timelines, she very clearly texted SIL immediately following. Why not ask husband if he knows if his aunts were on the list? Why didn’t my SIL text him if she “didn’t want to get in the middle”? It all feels like a manipulation tactic—MIL thought I’d give in to SIL because we have a good relationship, SIL thought I’d cave to her because idfk why.

Husband texted his mother and prodded her into asking about the invites, told her no they wouldn’t be invited as neither of us have a relationship with them, and said it was all set. Things have been weird with my SIL since. My BIL (her husband) texted me happy Mother’s Day by 7:30 am, nothing from her all day. People are annoying. I guess that’s the vent.

I've posted here before and ended up deleting because I got paranoid my inlaws would see my posts, but I am a bit torn and need to vent, maybe even get some advice and perspective. It's a bit of a long story, so I'll try to stick to the facts. Sorry about the long post.

My husband and I have been together for 8 years and we have a 8 month old baby. We are both from different countries and live very far away from our families, so my relationship with my MIL has always been cordial but not really close.

Last December my mom was diagnosed with cancer and was told she would need a mastectomy and treatment, so my husband and I tried to come with different plans so that I could go help my mom and siblings out after the surgery. One of the possibilities was to fly my MIL over so that she could take care of the baby while I was away and my husband worked, but she has a job and could not come for more than one or two weeks so I decided to just take the baby with me in order to stay as long as my mom would need me. My husband called his mom to let her know our decision and she took it well, but then jokingly said "I want to see my granddaughter too, is cancer what it takes?".

I was appalled. It seemed to me like an incredibly insensitive joke, and especially because my husband just let out an awkward laugh. I said nothing (I was not even part of the conversation, I was just cleaning in the room) but afterwards told my husband that I did not appreciate that at all and asked him to talk to her so that she would be a bit more careful next time. Here's where I may have messed up: when he texted her, he included other grievances he had towards her, and her reaction was very dismissive (something like "Oh, you know I'm not a bad person"), so I decided to text her myself just to clear the air. I politely explained that I knew she was a good person, but that comment had been insensitive and I'd appreciate it if she wouldn't say things like that in the future. She sent me a short apology, then my husband sent me the screenshots of their conversation.

Turns out she was livid I texted her. She blew up my husband's phone complaining that I had called her a horrible person, that I was so sensitive she was scared of talking in front of me, that she'd had it worse with her own MIL, and that she had never said that. She accused me of eavesdropping and had only apologized because my husband had told her to. I tried texting her again so that she knew that I knew what she was saying and in an attempt to talk it out, but she left me on read.

This all upset my husband, who decided to mute her chat and not talk to her unless she reached out to me. She did not text me for four months, not even to ask about her grandkid, until a couple of weeks ago to wish me a happy birthday. At this point I am more upset about her attitude than about the original comment, but tbh I am also upset about how my husband has handled this. Because he is not responding to her texts, these last weeks she has been asking me to relay messages to him. When I ask him if he's ever gonna talk to her, he says he wants to but doesn't know what to say. The other day his brother wanted to facetime me to see the baby, and when I asked my husband what I should do if his mom was around, he replied "Its time to end the fighting anyway", which pissed me off because it feels like it is now my responsability to fix everyone's relationship.

Basically I feel like her reaction to being called out was to lash out and be emotionally manipulative, to which he simply shut down and avoided contact. They let time pass and now everything is supposed to be fine, my MIL gets access to my child despite not even asking about her or trying to facetime her during four months because she didn't want to talk to me. No accountability has been taken, no real apology for the things she said about me, and if I try to talk about this again I'll be labeled the problem. Also my husband doesn't want to talk about this because he is sick of it (I admit I try to talk about it quite often, but only because I HATE how childish this all is and I want us to find a way through). I intended to set a boundary in a very hard time of my life and all it achieved was damaging my relationship with my inlaws.

Am I to blame here? Do I have a husband problem? Should I talk to him even if it turns into a fight? Should I try to talk to my MIL again? I come from a very straightforward family where problems are talked about and solved, not ignored, so I do not know how to handle this.

If you made it this far, thank you.

My husband and I have been married for almost seven years and together for nine years. I have met my MIL in person exactly one time as she lives in SC and we live in Oregon. She has never been a warm and cuddly character and aside from pleasantries sent in holiday cards we don’t have a relationship.

My husband informed me that his mother would like to fly us out to SC for Thanksgiving because she wants to get to know me. This would entail taking time off from work (I’m a healthcare worker, an inpatient phlebotomist), packing a suitcase, getting to the airport, flying across the country, and staying with my MIL and her boyfriend (who was recently diagnosed with esophageal cancer) with no car and no public transport. We’d have to get a hotel room, rent a car, pay for gas, etc so it’s not like she is offering an all-expenses paid trip.

My husband said he is not going if I don’t go and his brother is not going if he doesn’t go and BIL’s wife is not going if BIL is not going. So now the entire guest list rests on my shoulders.

But the thing that is really chafing my ass is that my MIL has not so much as made a phone call to me, ever. She has never sent me a card, texted, emailed, sent a letter by carrier pigeon. Why is she suddenly interested in getting to know me? And why do I have to do all the heavy lifting to grant her wish? She isn’t flying across the country during the holidays, I am. She wants this to happen on her terms, on her turf, and I don’t think Thanksgiving is the venue for this kind of emotional discovery. It’s a high pressure holiday as is. Her boyfriend being sick will make things even more tense/weird.

Don’t get me wrong: I know this is 100% about her. I have tried reaching out over the years to try to establish a relationship with her but she was not interested.

I told my husband that I’m not going but I want him to go. He understands why I don’t want to go and supports my decision.

An important thing to add is that last Thanksgiving she invited her sons to SC for Thanksgiving but not their wives. None of us went.

I’m sure my MIL will take my absence as a personal insult but I feel like if she really wanted to get to know me, she’d pick up the phone. I am a bit leery of her sudden interest in getting to know me. It’s been almost a decade. I’ve always encouraged my husband to have a good relationship with his mother. This is just so out of left field, it feels weird, and I’m a bit taken aback.

My 12 year old child is graduating from elementary school and has been at the same school since pre-k. I invited MIL in OCTOBER to my baby child's ceremony and MIL agreed to attend. FF to this week, MIL's favorite grandchild is having a kinder graduation ceremony the same day so now she can't attend my child's ceremony. ​​​she lives 1.5 hours drive away and suddenly doesn't feel like she can handle freeway driving. Cousin's kinder ceremony is at 10am and my child's ceremony is at 1:30. She could easily do both. How would you approach this? I want her to know that I am pissed. She came for my older child's elementary graduation. Don't come for my older child if you won't come for my baby.

I feel like my MIL is so desperate to get what she wants, protect herself from discomfort, and create the image she wants to create that she will hide or misrepresent things, or even manipulate a situation. Sometimes if there is an even very minor seeming conflict she will avoid talking about it and then have my father in law call my husband instead of talking to me directly! Therefore she often makes a minor hiccup of a situation worse due to the way she deals with it. As a result I don’t have a trust in her and I also am becoming less and less comfortable with communicating with her openly. Which is strange for me because I am just an unabashedly open communicator with everyone else in my life. I have tried to Google /research this psychological type but am having a hard time articulating exactly what her issue is but does anyone else experience this?

Examples of her behavior:

- When my husband discovered she was driving her grandkids around in a loose car seat she made a big deal about how she cares about car safety and how she fixed it when I inquired about if it was fix, and then I found out she didn’t even fix it at all even though she was about to drive my daughter. I was livid and confronted her about it, and then when I said my piece I said “let’s move on from this” and then a few weeks later in front of the family she praised me loudly for ”being able to move on from things” … I feel like she misrepresented herself fixing the car seat to seem like a great grandma when she didn’t even fix it at all. then tried to gaslight me into getting over it by loudly telling the family how great I am for being able to move on to

- Before my baby was born I already told her she would be able to babysit so there was no need for this — she went and told my sister in law to invite me to lunch to talk to me and convince me that she’s an amazing grandma and to please let her babysit.

- when my husband was hurt about unequal treatment between siblings (she has bought my BIL multiple cars and houses, diddly squat for our family) and I sent her a text saying I was hurt about the obvious inequities, she ignored my text and didnt respond for a week, then my husband got a call from my father in law telling us she was crying all week. she couldn’t bear to deal with me directly even though the conversation started with us.

- Even though she and I arrange for babysitting of my daughter if she has ever had to cancel she always has her husband / my FIL (who never has any involvement in planning babysitting) call my husband instead of just texting or calling me directly. when I finally confronted her about this and asked her to talk to me directly she admitted she just “felt so bad about it” - this has happened so many times and it’s bizarre because she is a grown woman!

- instead of ask us directly to babysit she will talk loudly in front of me to my daughter “ask your mommy if you can come to grandmas for a sleep over” - in some instances she has asked 7-8 times during one get together right in front of me like that. it is so passive and bizarre.

there are so many examples but long story short it just feels like there is some agenda and she’s never truly authentic and she’s hiding / manipulating to get what she wants.