r/Mildlynomil

My MIL (54F) always has something to criticize me (26F) for. She constantly micromanages everything I do, tries to parent my children, tells me what I can and can’t do with them, and always tells me, or heavily insinuates, that I’m making food “wrong.”

On top of that, she seems to think I need to do absolutely everything for my husband, Lance (28M), and our children myself.

Also the fact that I feel like I am treated like a maid/servant and MIL doesn’t even see me as a wife or mother to these kids.

It has been getting incredibly annoying, and I’ve finally decided that I need to start standing up for myself instead of constantly just going along with everything.

The first thing I apparently do “wrong” is how I use the air fryer. Whenever I cook something in the air fryer, I typically put it at 400°F and adjust the cooking time depending on what I’m making. That’s how I’ve always cooked our food, and I’ve never had an issue with it.

One day I was cooking chicken patties, and MIL told me that 400°F was too high for a chicken patty and that it could make them come out too hard.

Except…that has literally never happened to me.

She then told me that everything needs to be cooked on the “pizza” setting, which is 360°F.

Another time, I was cooking chicken nuggets. Before I even got them started, she told me they needed to be cooked on the pizza setting and for only 8 minutes.

I’ve cooked chicken nuggets at 400°F for 10 minutes before, and sometimes they STILL aren’t completely done.

Then there are frozen waffles. Apparently, according to MIL, “frozen waffles cannot be cooked in the microwave.”

I’ve cooked frozen waffles in the microwave numerous times, and the boxes literally say you can microwave them. But MIL takes my kids’ waffles out of the microwave and puts them in the toaster instead.

Because she is constantly watching and correcting how I cook things, I’ve started choosing the fastest way to get food cooked just so I’m not being micromanaged for even longer.

I finally somewhat stood up for myself over this.

Normally, I would cook eggs on the stove, but I don’t want to in front of MIL. There is also absolutely nothing wrong with cooking eggs in the microwave.

I was cooking eggs in the microwave when MIL asked:

“What do you have in the microwave? An egg?”

I said:

“Yes.”

She said:

“You should cook eggs on the stove in a pan.”

I told her:

“Me cooking eggs in the microwave is completely fine.”

Then she said:

“Okay, well if you’re going to do that, they should be cooked in a glass bowl, not a plastic one.”

If the plastic bowl is microwave safe, what exactly does it matter?

When MIL asks me to do something, I normally just immediately get up and do it because I’m in her home. I’ve started realizing, though, that just because she asks me to do something doesn’t mean I have to drop whatever I’m doing that exact second, especially when it isn’t urgent.

MIL brought me two pillowcases and a sheet that goes on the couch in here and asked if I could put them on.

I said:

“Yeah, I’ll get them.”

About two minutes later, she came back and asked:

“Are you going to get the pillowcases and the sheet on the couch?”

I told her:

“Yes, I will get to it.”

I was still being completely polite.

About a minute later, she came back AGAIN.

This time she said:

“OP, I NEED you to get that done.”

This is where I started getting annoyed. It wasn’t really the request itself, it was the demanding and checking up on me when I had already told her multiple times that I was going to do it.

I tried to stay as calm and normal toned as possible, although I probably did have an annoyed tone at this point, and said:

“Okay, and as I said, I will get them.”

She said:

“Excuse me?”

I said:

“I said I will get them.”

And then Lance’s brother says to me, in a tone:

“Maybe without the attitude next time, yeah?”

That is where I started FUMING.

I don’t know if it was everything else piling up, the constant criticism, or just the environment in general, but this whole interaction made me start shaking profusely. My chest got hot, my heart was racing, and my vision started blurring.

And what really bothered me about his comment is that Lance’s brother doesn’t pay any bills here, doesn’t have a job, and barely does anything around the house.

So I don’t feel like he has any place to be correcting me about my “attitude,” especially when MIL is a grown ass woman who is perfectly capable of speaking up for herself if she thinks I’m actually being disrespectful.

The double standard is what really gets me

I do everything I’m asked to do here and more.

The problem is that MIL doesn’t see every single thing I do because I don’t constantly announce it to her, and I intentionally don’t do certain things in front of her because I don’t want to be micromanaged and criticized while I’m doing them.

Lance was also at work during this entire situation, and I was watching our kids.

That is my job.

I understand that putting pillowcases and a sheet on the couch isn’t some huge task. I’m not saying it is. But why am I expected to immediately jump up and do it the second she asks, especially when I’m already taking care of the children?

And why am I expected to do absolutely everything myself, whether Lance is home or at work?

Why am I expected to:

Cook all three meals every day?
Feed the kids every time?
Change the diapers?
Do the chores?
Take care of the kids?
Do whatever MIL asks me to do immediately?

Meanwhile, Lance apparently can’t do a single thing without MIL telling me to go help him.

I do multiple things every single day on my own while Lance is at work, and things MIL asks me to do, and yet she still acts like I don’t do a single thing and just sit around waiting for Lance to come home so he can do everything.

And now the couch situation has turned into a whole thing

I was fully planning on doing what she asked.

Now, I’ll admit, I’m getting kind of petty about it.

Part of me doesn’t even want to do it anymore.

Not because putting the sheets and pillowcases on is difficult, but because I’m tired of being treated like a maid/servant and like a child who needs to be repeatedly told what to do.

And if she already acts like I don’t do a single thing around here anyway and criticizes me regardless of what I do, then part of me is thinking, why bother?

Then she says:

“That needs to be done BEFORE Lance gets home.”

About 30 seconds later, she comes back again and says:

“I’m serious, I need that done and it needs to be done BEFORE Lance gets home. Do NOT wait for him to get home to do it.”

At this point, I’m just sitting here wondering what exactly I’m supposed to do.

Maybe other people are better at handling this kind of thing than I am. I don’t know.

But I genuinely tried to stay calm and use a normal tone. I didn’t scream at her. I didn’t insult her. I didn’t tell her to fuck off. I literally just said, “Okay, and as I said, I will get them.”

I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with this kind of behavior, and worse, on a daily basis without eventually getting annoyed or frustrated.

Am I wrong for finally starting to push back instead of immediately doing everything I’m told?

my MIL moved in with me shortly before my 3rd child was born. She was broke and going through bankrupcy so she was supposed to be here temporarily to fix her credit and get her associate's degree so she could support herself better. After the first semester, she quit college claiming it was way too hard. She agreed to pay us rent but that only lasted a few months. She miracuously can save enough money to travel to italy and switzerland on a vacation, go to yoga 3x a week, and visit her daughter in another state every 3 months for 2-3 weeks at a time. I decided to start school and finish my degree but she makes it extrememly difficult to depend on for help. She also just does shiftkey as a CNA for work so she picks her own schedule. She almost exclusively picks up nights and messes with her sleep and complains about being exhausted. Everything she does is annoying me lately to the point I feel like im going to snap. Ive had to yell at her several times and it feels like nothing is changing. I dont know if im being crazy by expecting more flexibility on her part but she continues to scedule a nightshift the night before I need help with her watching my toddlers so I can complete school. Im rushing around so she can go to sleep and im worried about my kids not being properly attended to. My husband is on my side and validates my complaints but do I kick her out ??? do I just give up on her. I feel bad but im miserble

Advice please I'm so torn! My husband spoke to his mom the other day on the phone and she was talking about how her daughter (his sister) and her boyfriend were working things out and we're going to start looking for work. My husband made a comment like "those two will never try to work" because...let's say they have a lot of bad habits and enable each other and do what they can to stay on disability even though they can work.

My MIL immediately made a comment to him about how I (his wife) am no better since I don't work either and all I do is sit on the couch all day. I've worked everyday since I was 16 and now in my 40s left my career to homeschool my neurodivergent but very smart child! It's not easy and we definitely don't sit around on the couch all day, it's the complete opposite.

I'm hurt and shocked that she would even say that to her son. He's livid and refuses to go see them until she apologized. The problem is if she does it will be just to see us and her true feelings and thoughts about our life and choices is now out there. How can I just look past it? I feel it's ruined the relationship but I also don't want to be the cause of their disconnect. How can I go and have dinner and pretend like she didn't say what she said?

What would you do??

My husband, Lance (28M) and I (26F) have been temporarily living with my MIL (54F) most weekdays while we’re between housing. I feel like my MIL parents Lance and OUR kids, while treating me like a maid/servant. I don’t feel like she sees me as a wife or mother, or honestly, even as a human being sometimes.

The latest issue happened because our daughter got sick.

Our daughter is in kindergarten. They were back in school for a full week last week and two days the week before. She also got sick quite a bit last year.

It makes sense that she may have a weaker immune system. I was the same way as a kid, mostly getting strep throat. Our daughter was also a preemie, which obviously doesn’t help. I was constantly out sick as a child, and my parents were threatened with truancy multiple times because of it, so I know how stressful the school attendance issue can be.

Anyway, since it was the weekend, we weren’t staying at MIL’s house. Quite frankly, with how she acts, I want to be around her as little as possible.

Our kids stayed with my brother (21M) and my parents (44F/49M) for the weekend while Lance and I had a little vacation around the area.

This was the first time in our entire marriage/relationship that we had ever been completely alone and kid free. We had done things alone, but never alone for an entire day/weekend.

It was the first time in I don’t even know how long that I felt completely at peace.

I honestly can’t wait until we have our own place. I know I’ll still be overwhelmed and stressed sometimes because I’m a parent, but at least I won’t have other adults constantly breathing down my neck and making me feel like I’m doing everything wrong.

Sunday morning, my mom messaged me after I had already gone to sleep and told me our daughter was sick. I told Lance that if she was sick enough that she couldn’t go to school, we were going to stay at my mom’s that night and take her to the doctor the next day.

I even said to him, “Watch your mom somehow try and blame us for her getting sick.”

Well, as soon as we walked through the door, we could tell our daughter was sick. She was visibly not feeling well. We were told that she had coughed all night the night before and felt warm. She was still coughing, still warm, and overall just looked and acted sick.

My mom and MIL were messaging each other. My mom told MIL that we were staying at their house for the night because our daughter was sick and wasn’t going to school.

MIL responded:

“She was fine on Friday. Kindergarten isn’t like preschool. Absences count now, too many and it will be a truancy case. She has to have a doctor’s excuse. Her missing school will put her behind in work.”

After that, MIL immediately started messaging Lance and basically said the same thing. Then she called him. I was laying right beside him, so I could hear the entire conversation.

She started bitching about how our daughter was fine Friday, how this is how school works, how kids are sometimes going to have a cough or runny nose, and how you can’t take them out of school every time they have one.

We hadn’t even been back to reality for a couple of hours before my peace was disrupted.

I was already getting annoyed, but then she said to Lance:

“She was fine Friday, Lance. Y’all cannot say she’s sick just because y’all wanna stay somewhere else for an extra night.”

So basically, she was insinuating that we were lying about our daughter being sick just so we could stay somewhere else another night.

I let her finish talking.

I don’t know if it was because I had finally been completely at peace for the first time in I don’t know how long, but I had a full physical reaction.

I was shaking extremely badly. My heart started racing and felt like it was going to come out of my chest. I was absolutely fuming.

On a day to day basis, I feel like I’m constantly on edge, anticipating someone complaining about something or criticizing me for doing absolutely everything wrong.

After she finished talking, I said loudly enough for her to hear:

“She can’t go to school when she’s sick.”

She continued complaining.

Then she did exactly what I had predicted and blamed us for our daughter getting sick.

She said:

“She’s probably sick because of her switching between two different places and the temperature differences between the houses.”

Ma’am…

For one, the temperatures are about the same in both houses.

For two, I don’t think that’s how getting sick works.

Lance has a brother who also has children. MIL gets their kids off the bus and stays with them until their mother gets off work. Their son, our nephew, is in first grade and came home with a stuffy nose on Friday. MIL then came home after being around him and was around our kids.

I was talking to Lance and my mom and brought up that our nephew was sick on Friday and that, if anything, that was probably where our daughter picked something up.

My mom was still talking to MIL and said something about nobody lying and brought up the same point.

MIL responded:

“No one is calling anyone a liar. Stuffy nose isn’t sick. It’s the usual for beginning of school. If she doesn’t have a fever, then she can go to school. Grandson has a stuffy nose, nothing more. If she misses every time she coughs or has a stuffy nose, then she would be out half the year.”

My mom responded:

“Well, it’s not up to me when she goes to school and when she doesn’t. If she’s sick, she has parents to decide that. Kids going to school coughing and with stuffy noses and sick is what makes other kids sick. By you saying you can’t say she’s sick just to keep her another night, that’s what it’s implying.”

And that’s where I’m frustrated.

I don’t actually know how sick our nephew is because I haven’t seen him, and I don’t really speak with his mother other than holidays/get togethers. But even if he only has a stuffy nose, that doesn’t mean he’s not actually sick.

And our daughter isn’t just dealing with a little stuffy nose.

She was coughing so badly that she was gagging sometimes.

Lance ultimately took her to school this morning and went inside with her. He told the school that she had been sick and needed to see the nurse.

She had a 101°F fever.

The nurse told them she needed to go back home, which is exactly what we already knew was going to happen AS HER PARENTS.

Lance had MIL pick our daughter up from his workplace, and we were on the way to get her and take her to the doctor as I was writing this. MIL insisted on taking her to an urgent care herself though and us going to get done the things we needed to do.

While we were there, MIL said to Lance:

“It’s the beginning of the school year, kids are going to get coughs and runny noses. Grandson has a runny nose and he is at school.”

Our daughter had a literal fever this morning, not just a runny nose.

She was taken into school, and the school nurse said she could not stay. Her Infinite Campus also shows that she is excused for the day. Lance showed MIL all of this.

MIL then said:

“Well, I’ve been taking her temperature multiple times since and she hasn’t had a fever.”

Okay, well yes… that’s because she’s had medicine since then. 😭

I’m SO tired of MIL acting like this.

I haven’t actually said anything directly to MIL myself other than what I said while she was on the phone with Lance.

I really feel like I probably should say something else to her, but I honestly don’t know exactly what to say. How would you handle this?

And am I wrong for being extremely frustrated that she seems to think she gets to decide whether our daughter is actually sick, whether she should go to school, and whether we’re lying about it just because we don’t want to stay at her house another night?

TL;DR: Our daughter was visibly sick, coughing badly and eventually had a 101°F fever. My MIL accused us of essentially keeping her home from school just so we could stay somewhere else another night, insisted that a cough/stuffy nose isn’t enough reason to miss school, and blamed our daughter getting sick on us switching between two houses. I’m exhausted by feeling like MIL thinks she gets to parent our children and second guess every decision we make.

I can’t help but notice all these self centered things she does. For LO’s 1st and 2nd bdays, we did a nuclear family thing and had the best time. For #3, we did the same but also decided to have a small family party. I was dreading my mil somehow making it about herself or doing something to trigger me.

We had my family and SO’s family over. She did the same damn thing that she does all the time when she comes over…had LO on her lap the whole time to read a book..but who does that at a party? Everyone else just sat around quietly. So f-ing awkward. I had to say something to get LO’s attention so he could get down and run around. This is the exact thing I knew she would do if we hosted an actual party.

We also have a newborn who was in my arms the entire time. The very few mins I handed him to SO, mil went running to her phone and came and took pics of just SO and the baby. I was standing RIGHT THERE. Ugh. And then she comes over and touches the baby and says “hopefully he learns my voice soon”. I feel such rage around her when she does these things. Please tell me I’m not overreacting.

Hello. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, since our first year of college where we met. Thing is, his mother is abusive and narcissistic.

With other people, like a good narcissistic person, is nice and kind. Even with me. But inside, with her family, specifically her son, she turns into a very different person, like she really is. She insults, she abuse, she criticise, she yells, she psychologically manipulates and torture him.

She always tell him he's fat and ugly (when she's herself that, I'm sorry), she's always controlling where and with who my bf is going, when we're out or on some trip she calls him (not exaggerating) more than 10 times a day, she's a nurse and very selfish, so she always think she knows everything and therefore she FORCES his son to take any pills "for his health and goodness" - once, no lying, she forced him to take pregnancy pills only pregnant women should take - and she stays to see if he really swallowed them, she forced him to re-take his graduation picture bc it was "the worst picture of him, ugly and fat and stupid", she even went with him to make sure she liked the picture, when he tries to say no to something she mentally tortures him and make his life impossible, when he broke up with his ex in high school she insulted him telling him it was his fault bc he's awful and stupid (when he's the best boyfriend anyone could ask for) oh, and the creepiest thing of her? She doesn't respect his privacy and still enter the bathroom when he's on the toilet or worse, taking a shower, and she even once told him: your gf is a lucky girl. Like, WHAT??? And the worst thing about this last fact is that he has normalised this type of attitudes, and he's SO used to his mother seeing him naked (or seeing her naked bc she also goes around the house naked) that he thinks is normal, that a grown up 25 year old man is openly be seen by his mother. She also kisses him (when she's not being abusive and have a sudden burst of giving love to him) A LOT on his face and NECK (ya know, like a mother use to do with a 2 years old son)... well and I could keep going and going (have I mentioned he has panic attacks and physical problems bc of her?) Anyways, the thing is she always want me to hangout with her, and go to trips with them, or eat with them (yes he's an only child) and my bf also tells me is normal to hangout many times with his parents bc I'm his girlfriend and that is what girlfriends do, but I really do NOT want bc I don't like her, even though with me she's nice, but I can't forget what she does to him or do like nothing and I don't want to spend any minute with her if possible but the problem is that if some day I don't want to go to a picnic or smt she starts insulting his son and making his life impossible, and to avoid her insulting me too he throws shit to him. I don't want to spend time with her bc she tries to put me against his own son, trying to make me make fun of him infront of him, or trying to make me insult him like, "he's fat and ugly right? Tell him tell him!" And if I try to defend him from her insults she gets mad mad.

I'm too tired and I know they'll someday be my in-laws bc I really want to marry this guy, bc he's nothing like his mother but is it mandatory that I have to hangout with her just bc she's his mother and I'm dating his son? I need some help guys 😔 like did y'all also had to hangout with your MILS that much?

I’ve followed this sub for a long time, and I’m finally frustrated enough to post. Genuinely need some advice here.

My MIL is a good person, but she can be annoying and oversteps sometimes. We only see her a couple of times a year, but she has a tendency to try to steal firsts or pick out things I would have wanted to pick (like buying a first backpack or a first Christmas outfit). Typically I just ignore whatever she bought, go about my original plans, and remind myself that I only see her 2-3 times a year. My husband can sometimes be oblivious when it’s happening, but he backs me up when/if I need to draw a line.

Well, she’s visiting us at our new house this week, and yesterday I came home from work to see that she had taken down a poster in my 5 year old daughter’s newly-decorated room and replaced it with some sort of laminated stick-on custom wall art that she picked out with my daughter. I hate it and think it looks super-tacky. My husband was working from home when she did all this, and she did show it to him in advance, but obviously I wasn’t there. He doesn’t like it either but went along with it because my daughter picked it out too. He apologized after seeing how pissed I was. He was just kind of oblivious when it was happening and didn’t think it was a big deal. He still doesn’t think it’s a big deal, and he thinks I’m overreacting, but he also is fine to just take it down.

Anyway, normally I would just peel this bullshit off my walls and move on with my life, but my daughter likes it. WTF do I do now? It makes me feel petty and small to take down something my daughter likes. But I hate how it looks, and I feel like my prerogative was just trampled on for something I care about: setting up my daughter’s new bedroom. I only have one child. I only get to do this stuff once. It is not small, and it’s like the centerpiece of her room, over her bed. What would you do?

I got married 3 weeks ago and it was honestly a great day. We had the wedding in my hometown which is a very small town where everyone knows each other. For context, my husband is from a more urban/suburban area.

We didn’t have a planner to try to save some $ and we felt like we would get what we needed with the day of coordinator. The morning of was fine, I was a bit unplugged with the jitters. I was getting makeup done with my bridesmaids, my mom and my MIL in a conference type room in the venue with a lot of lighting.

The makeup artist said that there is a suite next door that they usually use as the bridal suite (they have 3 hotel rooms in the venue, then they have a larger hotel next door). I didn’t know about this suite to be honest, never saw it on the packages because we were staying somewhere else for the night or the wedding anyway, but apparently it was included in the wedding package for the night of the wedding and I overlooked it. My bridesmaids tried to open the door but the venue had booked it out the night before and there was a random couple staying there. The day of coordinator said it would be ready by 11 after check out so we could utilize that room for more getting ready space, leaving things, photos etc.

Would it have been nice to have it all day? Sure, but we didn’t REALLY need it. I found out yesterday from a member of my family that my MIL apparently went nuts and was berating the cleaning staff and telling them, the coordinators, and the head of the venue that this was “unacceptable.” She does this all the time in her home area when she is not pleased with the service and it’s humiliating (15 year old restaurant hostess, college kid working at an ice cream stand, you name it). They’ve gotten kicked out of a beach club because of their treatment towards the staff. Other than this they are actually very nice and generous people, albeit extremely hovering over my husband.

Apparently the head of the venue, who my family and I know relatively well, took her aside and said her behavior was unacceptable. I’m not sure what happened after this. I did notice that the venue staff never posted our wedding on the instagram like all the others there, which I felt a little strange about, and now I can’t help but wonder if it was because my MIL was screaming at people all day.

We’re supposed to see them today for the first time since the wedding and I honestly don’t know if I can go, I’m extremely upset. I’ve been trying for my husband’s sake to be more involved with the family now that I have more free time (personal and career wise) and this is making it so hard. My husband is very sweet and doesn’t behave like this at all. If I asked him to talk to her about her behavior he absolutely would, but I’m not sure what good it would for him or for me.

Let me preface by saying that my MIL is adorable, she is nice and welcoming, however, it’s gotten to a point where i think i’m taking a backseat when we are around her and i feel neglected by my husband.

My husband (32) and I (32) are recently married, i’m moving to his country soon which means uprooting my life to be with him - now, that is not the issue here. But it’s always feeling unprioritized by him just below his mother (not even his dad).

A couple scenarios where I feel it’s weird… His mom kisses and hugs him for a long time when saying bye, kinda like the way she treats her grandkids but not his sister. I understand she is affectionate but i find it weird because i’m there, i don’t get the same goodbye, but it’s being rubbed off on me that he’s her baby. That makes me cringe.

I offer him something (a candy, a piece of towel, etc) and he says no to me, he doesn’t want/need it. But seconds later his mom offers him and he takes it. For Christmas this year, since I’ll be away from my family i thought it would be nice to start a new tradition for the two of us, he said he expects us to spend it with his family because his mom will probably have a heart attack not spending it together when we’re already in the same city.

We were also at a cafe once with his mom and it looked like i was the thirdwheel in the relationship. They talked for an hour, barely looking at me or acknowledging me. That’s where I felt most offended, and while I communicated this to him, somehow it was my fault that I didn’t try to engage more. Tbf, my husband told me we were going to this cafe because he knows i like it, but it was a surprise that she tagged along.

Lastly, his mom makes jams and i told my husband no need for us to get some because we still have a lot. He thought I was saying no because it was him mom offering. And this is where it hurts me now because he puts me in a negative light in favor of her.

Sorry if this has gotten long, these are just the glaring examples that i’ve been carrying and has been heavy the last couple weeks. I’ve told my husband this and he said I was jealous and definitely went on defensive mode. Again, i do not hate my MIL but i dislike who we become when we are around her. As in, my husband and i are different entities and we are only married when it’s just the two of us. But around her, he’s a SON first, my husband second and that feels wrong to me.

Is there any way I could communicate this more with my husband?

So, my husband, Lance (28M), our kids, and I (26F) are temporarily staying with my MIL (54F) and FIL (52M) on weekdays. Lance works setting up mobile homes, and I’m a stay at home mom.

My MIL seems to have some major double standards when it comes to me and Lance, and me and her too. She seems to think I’m supposed to do countless things around the house by myself, while Lance apparently can’t do anything around the house without me being involved somehow.

And for the record, I do EVERYTHING that anyone asks me to do around here, and more.

For example, the other day, Lance was at work and I was watching the kids. MIL came in, dumped out a laundry basket full of Lance’s clothes, and told me to fold it.

I don’t mind folding his laundry. It’s not a huge task, and I immediately got up, folded EVERY piece of laundry that was there, and put it all away. We all do laundry here; everyone’s clothes just get washed together depending on whose clothes are in the basket at the time.

So again, folding the laundry itself isn’t the issue. It’s the principle of it.

Meanwhile, Lance apparently can’t even wash dishes by himself when he’s home without MIL telling me to go rinse them and put them in the strainer. And this was while I was watching the kids and he was the one doing the dishes.

Lance is a grown ass man. If he needs me to do something or needs help with something, he can ask me.

I also cook breakfast and lunch for the kids. I don’t particularly like cooking around MIL, though, because she constantly criticizes how I cook and tells me I’m doing it “wrong.”

Obviously, I still need to make breakfast and lunch because Lance is at work during those times. So Lance usually handles dinner since he’s home, and honestly, I don’t like cooking around MIL anyway.

Well, the other day MIL tells me, “You need to start cooking dinner, maybe. That way Lance doesn’t have to when he comes home from work.”

And this is where the double standard really gets to me.

FIL will come home from working 8–12 hours a day and then go do dishes and make his own food. I have never seen MIL in there helping him with the dishes or cooking for him when he gets home from work. So why is Lance coming home from work and helping with dinner suddenly something that I need to be doing instead?

I feel like MIL is extremely nitpicky toward me. And it doesn’t stop with housework. She also tries to tell me when and what I can and can’t do with our kids.

From my perspective, even though I don’t have a paying job, being a stay at home mom is still a job. These are not JUST my kids, and I am not Lance’s parent.

When Lance is home, things are 50/50. And Lance agrees with me on this.

He’s actually told me when we’ve talked about these issues, “I don’t mind it. I don’t complain about it. I like feeling useful to you and our children, whether I’m tired from work or not.”

So I feel like Lance and I are pretty much on the same page about how we want things to work in our relationship.

It’s just MIL constantly nitpicking and breathing down my neck that is SO damn annoying.

It’s like Lance can’t do absolutely anything on his own, or for himself, me, or our kids, without it somehow becoming an issue.

And honestly, I’m CONSTANTLY on edge here. I feel like I’m always anticipating MIL having something to criticize me about next.

I’m doing everything that’s asked of me and more, I take care of the kids, I cook, I clean, I help around the house, and I’m not sitting around expecting everyone else to do everything for me. Yet somehow, it still feels like whatever I do is never quite enough for her.

I posted here last week about how my mother in law was controlling my marriage and manipulating my husband. She would keep reminding him of my faults, flaws, telling him that I wasn’t a good wife, a good person, a good daughter in law. I lost respect for my husband for enabling it, for sometimes supporting his mother, and not protecting me. I never swore, shouted or hit him. But I lost respect.

Last night, he divorced me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel numb, scared, broken. I hate her.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/baogWkegEk

My relationship with my MIL quickly deteriorated after the birth of our first child. I'm VLC and haven't seen her in about two years.

Recently I handed out an olive branch and let her babysit our oldest child.

And instead of appreciating it, and being on her best behavior, she overstepped once again.

My husband and I had a big fight about it. He eventually asked his mom to apologize. She did send an apology that took as little responsibility as possible. Lot's of "we didn't know" and "it wasn't our intention".

And now I'm done. For three years I encouraged my husband to take the children to her. Not ONCE did HE approach me. Not ONCE did SHE reach out to invite us or to ask to see the children. Nothing. Every single encounter between her and our children was initiated by me.

My husband and I have agreed that we'll wait and see whether she even bothers to reach out. I have also told him that I won't stand in the way if he wants to meet her to see the children.

But I won't lift a finger anymore to actively facilitate this. Now I'm curious what's going to happen. My guess is that she'll eventually send FIL to reach out to my husband.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did it go?

I’ll be flying overseas soon so baby can meet grandparents and we will be staying at my family’s place. My mom sent a message to MIL letting her know that since we will be arriving at midnight that only my sister is picking us up and that MIL and FIL can come over the next day since first day we will be recovering. MIL send this message to SO saying that it’s unfair and that last time I visited (baby wasn’t born) I didn’t show the slightest interest in spending time with her.

She is a person who doesn’t respect boundaries and even when told will keep on doing it. There has been a lot of occasions when she makes me VERY uncomfortable like when she keeps slap my butt despite being told I don’t like it by me and my SO has also talked to her multiple times. Last time I saw her a year ago she commented saying I had a big ass and slapped it, I went off on her and told her that she wouldn’t do that to her daughter and that her son has talked to her to not make comments about my body or slap my butt all this infront of my family, I also told her that if I were to comment on her getting fat and grabbing her stomach she wouldn’t like it. Right after baby was born we where FaceTiming her and she asked my mom how she could resist not kissing baby, my mom told her that because my SO and me had asked her not to and that she was still a baby. She answer by saying that if she was with us she would give her kisses all over even if we had that rule. So now that I’m going and I know she has no boundaries I’m stressed because I feel she will kiss baby on the face and hands even after SO told her multiple times she can’t do it. My mom also told them to come over the day after I arrive at a certain time (2pm) and MIL already told me she will be arriving early so she could spend time by herself with baby since we also invited SIL’s family. She also smokes and I’ve told my SO that when she comes visit if she smells like smoke she won’t be able to carry baby.

I need advise on how I can deal with her if she were to kiss baby in the face and hands, or if she makes more uncomfortable comments, or smells like smoke.

Please help 🥹

(For context) I have a 5 year old stepdaughter whose life I've been in for 3 years now. My stepdaughter's biological mother isn't in the picture. Her rights were terminated. Husband has full custody. His ex lied on my him and got my stepdaughter thrown into the system. The kid's been through a lot and it's sad. Long terrible story. I could talk for days about that but this is just about my weird MIL and our lives now.

I got pregnant about 8 months into my relationship with my (now) husband. Stepdaughter was the only granddaughter and my husband's only child, so she was treated like a princess.

MIL always went on and on about how stepdaughter looks just like my husband. She does look mostly like him. It's obvious she's his. People always comment that she looks like him, which is sweet. It makes my husband happy when people say that because his ex was so terrible.

She does have certain features of her mother's too (nose, eye folds, dimples ((which is how GENETICS work)). I only mention this because of how weird MIL is about our kids' looks now. Stepdaughters bio mom wasn't an ugly woman. My stepdaughter is a very pretty little girl. I wouldnt have ever even thought twice about any of our kids' looks if MIL weren't overbearingly weird.

When my son was born, he looked 50/50 like my husband AND like me (since, ya know, that's how GENETICS work). Any time I'd say our son resembles his dad at all, or send her a picture, or even say he's making a facial expression that resembles his dad, this woman would text something that makes me feel weird, pushing that he looks like both of us equally. I wasn't petty or trying to push anything. I'd just make small comments like "Aw, that face reminds me of (husbands name)." Yes I am aware our son looks like me too (duh). My body created him.

For example, one time I sent her a pic of my son at 3 weeks old where he was making a face that looked just like a face his dad makes, and she, WITHIN AN HOUR, sent me collage of side by side pictures of stepdaughter and my husband as a child and says she needs to pose stepdaughter in the same spot to recreate those photos of my husband as a child.

My son has dirty blonde hair (both my dad and husband's dad had dirty blonde hair as children) and this woman says sh*t like "Who in YOUR family has blonde hair?" (To me, when husband's dad had the same color). It's so uncomfortable.

She IMMEDIATELY made it feel like some weird kind of competition over the kids' looks, as soon as our son was born. My husband denied she'd ever be petty like that.

Fast forward, I just had a baby daughter. She's 7 weeks old (yes, we have 2 under 2 now. Oops, but not the point).

She was born on Father's Day (I was so proud of getting him that gift lol). She was born with a full head of hair like her dad (I was a bald baby). At the hospital, MIL asked me, "Is that your hair color?".... it's literally her son's hair color....

Since she was born, even my husband has said that she looks more like him as a newborn than any of the kids have. (No, I didnt ask him or pry to hear that). She has my dimples but somehow ended up with dad's hair color, eye color, chin, ears, face shape.. She really does look just like him. She's so pretty and I'm so proud.

I hadn't said anything about her looking anything like him at all to her (because of how petty MIL seemed over son's looks compared to stepdaughter's after he was born).

SHE sent ME a picture of my husband as a 2 month old and said "I think he was ____ (the baby)'s age".

I replied "Aw! Lord she really does look a lot like him lol". WHICH IS WHY I THOUGHT SHE SENT THE DAMN PICTURE, TO SHOW ME SHE LOOKS LIKE HIM.

To which she replied "And you! She and (mine and husbands son) are a beautiful combination of you both". Which WOULD be a nice, sweet comment if she didnt constantly go on and on about how stepdaughter is My Husband Jr. Weirdo.

Yesterday she messaged and told my husband that our baby is "(My Name)'s little twin". Yes she resembles me somewhat, too. She's my daughter (again, duh. Genetics).

WHY is it, that MY children are never allowed to look like their dad, but stepdaughter is CONSTANTLY compared? I feel petty and mean but its been over 2 years that she's been like this. My husband denies that she's trying to push him to see stepdaughter as the favorite by telling him she looks just like him. I feel crazy and gaslit.

She distresses me to the point I originally hoped my baby daughter was a boy so it wouldnt be a competition between girls (I'm very happy she's a girl now). This woman has done other toxic things in the past that my husband overlooks now (not petty things like kids' looks, but her trying to adopt his kid and secretly recording him talking for blackmail among other things).

This woman refuses to watch the younger 2 children and keeps stepdaughter half the week. Stepdaughter used to call me mommy and stopped, then started calling MIL mommy (husband put a stop to that, because gross). But my husband acts like I'm just crazy for thinking she's being sideways about the kids' looks. I feel like women can just tell when another woman has weird intentions. Maybe I am being crazy?

Thanks if you made it this far. I know this is a petty ridiculous rant. This woman has affected my mental health so much over dumb crap. I could use any input or advice at this point--literally anything. I'm so hormonal and sad and feel like shes trying to make this into some weird competition over the kids' looks, especially between the girls. I hate it so much, because how is it going to be when they're older? How would you all feel in my shoes? Am I just being "crazy" ?

Does anyone else get annoyed at group chats?

My family has one large group chat for my parents, me & my siblings & all of our partners, anything else is direct messaging. Not an awful lot goes in there to be honest, think a couple of holiday photos if someone’s away, plans about days out, questions such as where are the caravan keys & the odd meme or piss take where everyone gets involved.

My in laws have their own family-only group chat, a couple for his parents with each sibling & their SO, one with all of us in & a ladies one (SIL, MIL, a family friend & me). Our ‘couple’ group chat (me, partner & his parents) is always going off… blurry photos of burgers, updates on how fast his Dad rode his bike on the weekend, random household cleaning questions, a million photos from days out or holidays, repeated how are you alls even when my partner has not long spoken to them on the phone.

I get so annoyed that I have to maintain our group chat with his parents, whilst he rarely puts a word into my family’s. His mom will message/call him to arrange something & then relay it into the group chat that they’ve had that conversation & what’s been decided as if me & my husband don’t talk!

I think I’m just venting & wondering whether anyone else finds their in-laws communication annoying when it’s different to what they’re used to? How do you cope with annoying group chats without intentionally blanking them?

Not long ago I decided my partner was the default responder in his parents group chat but a few days ago in our couples therapy session he dropped it on me that it doesn’t work well for him because he’s sick of answering his parents in his family group chat & then not long after in our couples one - so now he wants it to go back to me!

Does anyone else have in laws that repeat the same things each visit?

They don't have dementia afaik, they're in their early 60s. Every time they visit us or we visit them we hear the same things and same stories pretty much each time. I'm getting so bored!

We made the mistake of telling them about something annoying our neighbour said, and now they repeat it every time we see them like its a funny joke. I've heard about the overseas trip they took 20 years ago like 15 times! "Funny" anecdotes about husband's childhood get repeated over and over. I've heard that I look tired over and over but really I'm just tired of them but I can't say that because that would sound so rude (I've told husband to tell his mum to stop saying that and he hasn't but that's a separate issue).

It's only a mild annoyance, not something I can really do anything about. Thanks for letting me vent haha

This is just a quick post for us all to giggle at. With my firstborn, my MIL turned absolutely insane and effectively ruined her relationship with me and deeply damaged her relationship with her son (my husband). She stayed with us for a month postpartum (lesson learned, I know), and her behaviour was just appalling. She ticked every box: unrelenting (outdated) unsolicited advice, consist criticism, baby snatching, centering herself and her emotions during my difficult postpartum, talking badly about me behind my back to my husband to sew the seeds of doubt that I couldn’t do this alone, tried taking impotent moments from me like his first bath and first stroller walk, etc. Finally, constantly referring to my son as “my baby”. This one really got to me. She would say things like “what’s OP doing with my baby in the other room” or “my poor baby” when I would do something she deemed dangerous (no socks in the house in August) or “can I have my baby now” when trying to take him from me after nursing.

Anyway, I’m 6 months pregnant with my second and she has been heavily excluded from everything. She gets bare minimum updates, and understands she’s not staying with us postpartum or even seeing the baby until minimum 6-8 weeks have passed (we live in different countries). We just visited during this pregnancy with our son and the visit was overall fine. On our last night, the baby was kicking a lot and she was sitting next to me. I was kinda like… ok maybe I can let her feel the kicks for a second? Maybe I’ll be nice?

She comes and feels her moving and says… can you guess? “My baby, my sweet baby in there. You’re my baby! Do you know that? Do you know you’re all mine”. Ladies. I literally just looked at her like she was insane and told her “don’t scare the poor fetus into thinking her mother is a random 63 year old woman! She’ll never want that be born!”.

Anyway that’s it haha. I don’t really care ultimately, she can say whatever she wants. She’s unhinged and very insecure - so I refuse to let it get to me this time around. I will be babywearing this child every time she’s around lol.

I’m not even angry about this, but I find it very strange and thought to share. I’ve noticed this for a while now, but my MIL still interacts with my husbands ex gf on Facebook. They dated for less than a year because she cheated. MIL likes the exes post and just posted “Happy Birthday” on her page yesterday.

Yet me, who is married to her only child and is pregnant for the first time, hasn’t received 1 “how are you” text since we told his family. Her behavior is so strange both my parents and friends have brought it up to me without my mentioning anything at all.

My husband doesn’t use Facebook, so he’s unaware his mother interacts with the ex. As far as I can tell, the ex doesn’t even respond to my MIL either. I also haven’t brought up the fact that his mom hasn’t asked about me because at this point if she does, I wouldn’t even respond.

Ever since I met my husbands mother she always marked her territory by giving him a wet loud kiss on his cheek. She does it in the most random moments .. for example- we could be out to dinner with my husband and his parents and during a conversation or dinner she will get up and kiss him On the cheek. She also tries to hold his hand when we are sitting down or having conversations as a family outing. And she always has to sit next to him or close as possible. One time we had them over to watch the football game and I got up to get another slice of pizza and she jumped into my spot and tried to cuddle with my husband- who was not reacting and was obviously not interested.

Yesterday we were at there house and I got up to go to the bathroom while I was in the bathroom. She must’ve went over and tried to kiss him on the cheek and he told her no that he needs to start treating her like a grown man and that he is not a little kid anymore. I came out of the bathroom and his dad said did you hear what happened? His mom isn’t allowed to kiss him anymore. It was very awkward and I just kind of said nothing and tried to change the conversation. She said but your my son. They asked me if my mom tries to kiss my brother and I said no and they asked if my brother tries to kiss my mom and I also said no. I said usually it’s more of a casual hello and goodbye.

Every time she tries to do this to my husband, it makes me feel weird, but I also feel bad for her at the same time. It makes me feel on edge and uncomfortable like I have to watch out for her next move, so I really hope that she respects his boundary. I feel that if it were my adult son, I would want to treat him as such and also respect that he is grown and has a wife.

So long story short, I went on a recent joint family trip with my husband’s family, my husband (we’re both late 20s), and my family (so our parents and siblings) recently. For the most part it was a fun experience, but recently there’s been some fallout.

The last day of that trip (which was already short), my MIL sprung on us that they have some relatives “close” (2 hours away) to the city we were visiting, and that they have invited us over and that we should all go that evening, which would pretty much take a 6 hour chunk in an already-packed day, when we also have flights the next day. I wasn’t actually present when this convo first happened, it was my husband and both our moms sitting all together for breakfast at the Airbnb we were at, while I was getting dressed for the day with my sisters in our parents’ room. Apparently my husband immediately jumped in and said no, that we had plans set for that day, that if they wanted everyone to visit these relatives that they should have mentioned it well before the trip while planning, that making this 2 hour trip out suddenly to meet these people is something no one wants to do, etc. Also in general, these relatives are really weird so he didn’t want to visit. My own mom came in and told me about all this later, and I expressed not wanting to go and agreeing with my husband. (Though my husband told me later that my own mom kind of took his mom’s side when he first said no due to filial piety and whatnot).

We went on for the rest of the day, and there was def uncertainty regarding plans for that evening, but I knew that I didn’t want to go, and my husband said he would support me in not going as well, and that he’ll go on behalf of me and I can just hang out with our siblings that evening. At some point later that day though, my mom approached me privately, and said that my MIL was very upset about our lack of enthusiasm at these sudden plans, and she then began to go on to my parents about how apparently I’m the one “convincing” my husband to not want to visit these relatives, etc. Not wanting to rock the boat, I wound up going (which was fine, but I was ultimately upset about feeling like I was being blamed by my MIL for these sudden plans not being accommodated for so easily).

Fast forward to now, a week or two after the trip, and my husband and I are reminiscing about the trip. The topic of visiting that relative came up, and he was still puzzled as to why I went and gave in. I wound up telling him about my mom telling me that my MIL was complaining about me, and how I was “convincing” him not to go, and how I felt blamed for it. He seemed gobsmacked at that, and mentioned how that seems out of character for her, but said that that’s not right and that he’d speak with her.

He called her later that day while I was sitting next to him (though my MIL didn’t know I was there), and after some light conversation, the tldr is that my husband ended up trying to explain to her that she crossed boundaries regarding how she handled everything during the last day of that trip, and that it’s not ok. He never did mention the “blaming me” thing though, since we weren’t sure how to do so without throwing my mom under the bus. She immediately got defensive, and kept bringing up how MY parents were the ones that were pushing for this last minute plan change, how they’re the ones that made everyone go, and because they seemed so eager to visit these relatives, she herself was powerless to stop these plans, etc.

I was listening the whole time kind of gobsmacked bc I know my parents would not care to visit these relatives and also, when my parents came into the room that morning while me and my sisters were getting ready, I could overhear my parents trying to think of ways to avoid all this. I def feel like there is *some* truth in them “wanting” to go, but I imagine it was more out of wanting to be polite towards my in laws.

During the phone call, my MIL then asked my husband things like, “Are these really your complaints, or are they your wife’s? Is she a really critical person?” Etc. She also made some other comments about me that made me feel like I am being painted in a vapid manner, but thankfully my husband shut that down.

The phone call ended eventually and there seemed to be a mutual understanding, but not even five minutes later she called him back again, and she was clearly in tears and crying about how my husband “doesn’t support and show up for his younger brothers” the way I apparently do for my sisters (she’s completely ignoring the fact that I have a higher paying job with way more flexible time off in comparison to my husband, so it’s far easier for me to “show up” for my siblings in the way she’s thinking of), how I never make an effort with my husband’s family (despite the fact that I talk to and text his family way more than my husband talks to either of our families, I am the one constantly pushing for us to visit his family and maintain relations, etc.), making me out to be this critical person, how she apparently has a lot of problems with me that she keeps to herself, etc. And overall she kept crying about how painful it is that he always picks at “little things” about her (independent of this situation), how she feels unfairly blamed, and how he doesn’t do a lot for his family.

This post is already long enough, but long story short, my husband did feel rly bad after that second phone call because of how emotional she got, so he called her back the next day to try to make amends. Idk what was said during that third call because I was busy with other stuff, but apparently she said she wanted to call me to “clear the air”, which my husband encouraged (which I did not appreciate). When she finally did call a few moments later, I did not pick up because I worried it would actually just be her being defensive and blaming my family. I also did not want to have to explain that the issue is that I felt unfairly blamed initially, and that it was something my mom related to me. Idk if that was the right move, and maybe she really did want to make things better, but yeah I feel guilty about it. I also told my husband I felt uncomfortable talking to her without him there (and we won’t have the chance to all sit down together talk until next weekend due to our work schedules) and he said he would handle it. Was I overreacting or being unfair or rude? It’s been a couple of days since all this and idk what the right move is now. Idk if I should call my MIL any time soon, whether I should talk to my mom, whether this is worth even thinking about any more, etc. I really don’t know what to make of everything.