u/Neverending_Hedgehog

My relationship with my MIL quickly deteriorated after the birth of our first child. I'm VLC and haven't seen her in about two years.

Recently I handed out an olive branch and let her babysit our oldest child.

And instead of appreciating it, and being on her best behavior, she overstepped once again.

My husband and I had a big fight about it. He eventually asked his mom to apologize. She did send an apology that took as little responsibility as possible. Lot's of "we didn't know" and "it wasn't our intention".

And now I'm done. For three years I encouraged my husband to take the children to her. Not ONCE did HE approach me. Not ONCE did SHE reach out to invite us or to ask to see the children. Nothing. Every single encounter between her and our children was initiated by me.

My husband and I have agreed that we'll wait and see whether she even bothers to reach out. I have also told him that I won't stand in the way if he wants to meet her to see the children.

But I won't lift a finger anymore to actively facilitate this. Now I'm curious what's going to happen. My guess is that she'll eventually send FIL to reach out to my husband.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did it go?

UPDATE: Sooo many helpful reactions, thank you all so much! In have decided to hand my husband a list of my questions and concerns. In will explain them all to him, and I will ask him to discuss them with his therapist in the next session. This could even be a really good exercise for us in itself. One of my complaints in our relationship is that he has a hard time accepting and reinforcing my boundaries, e.g. towards his parents. This way we can actually practice that. Next steps might be a conversation with the two therapists who lead the group, and/or attending one session to see if it's helpful.

My husband and I (both 30s) are going through a rough patch. We want to do couple's therapy. The practice where he's in individual therapy offers couple's therapy as well. However, it is in a group setting with several other couples. The details, as far as I know them:

- Sessions are lead by a male and female therapist together

- Emotion Focused Therapy

- The practice does NOT specialize in autism

- I don't know how many couples participate

The idea stresses me out for several reasons. These are my concerns:

- I'm worried I'll feel overstimulated and overwhelmed by other people's emotions

- I also have CPTSD and I'm worried I'll get triggered by other people's stories

- I tend to "disappear" in group settings

- The therapists are not specialized in autism and therefore might not be able to support me sufficiently

But, who knows, sometimes I'm scared of something and afterwards it turns out to be helpful. I don't want to decline without considering it thoroughly.

We could also get regular couple's therapy from a different provider, but it wouldn't be covered by our insurance.

Would you give it a try?

Has anyone ever done couple's therapy in a group and can share their experiences?

I love my husband, I enjoy spending time with him. But it's killing me that he doesn't see how his mother is intentionally trying to sabotage our marriage and family life. I have gone VLC and haven't seen her in a while. She tells him she loves him and only wants the best for him.

Recently she crossed a line with my children, which unfortunately lead to a huge argument between him and me. We're both scared, stressed out and on meds and/or in therapy. I'm afraid this is going to ruin our marriage, and she'll turn my children against me. He's afraid that I will never let his children see his parents again. Which is bizarre, considering that so far I have encouraged him to take the children to his parents.

But I have reached my breaking point. I simply don't trust him to be strong enough to protect our marriage from her influence. He's still mostly in the FOG and simply doesn't see that with her "nice" gestures she's being intentionally cruel to me. He always gives her the benefit of the doubt.

He at least made her apologize to me after she overstepped, but only after I asked him to. (And it was a very weak apology, dodging as much responsibility as possible, and lots of "it was not my intention to hurt you, I didn't know". Yes she knew, and she did it on purpose to hurt me.)

How do I get through this? I have to give my husband some space to figure it out for himself, but I also have to protect my children.

The relationship with my MIL is very strained. I won't go into all of the details, but I don't feel like there is any respect from her for my role as a mother.

There were so many issues that I at some point went VLC. I tried to patch things up with her but she just doesn't talk to me. She has not once reached out since my first child was born more than four years ago. She circumvents me by pretending I don't exist.

I still let my husband visit them with our kids in the last three years.

In the last couple of months I tried to move towards reconciliation. In sent a card when we were on vacation. Via my husband I gave her a small present related to our children. And I reached out and asked whether they would babysit. They were really happy and agreed.

I thought they would take this opportunity very seriously. I really hoped they would use it to gain back trust.

Instead she crossed another boundary.

When I confronted her about it, she turned to my husband instead. She told him how disappointed she is, how she's doing her best, how my message ruined her happy day and how she loves us and simply wants the best for us.

And now I'm done.

I will not leave her alone with my children again, not even when my husband is present. And I don't want to see her if she can't even acknowledge me. So for the foreseeable future she won't see the children, unless I see some serious changes in het attitude towards me.

Luckily this incident was finally the last straw for my husband as well. Het told her that from now on, anything related to the children will go through me.

I'm so relieved!! But I'm also nervous about her reaction.

Has anyone else's husband set this boundary with his mom? How did it go?

My youngest is now 1.5. She still frequently requests to nurse, and I enjoy the cuddles. I don't necessarily want to wean.

At the same time, I sometimes wonder about the impact of all of these hormones on my mental health. I have been either pregnant or nursing for five years nonstop. Motherhood has been a huge adjustment for me and I feel like I'm much more emotional and more easily overwhelmed.

Did you notice any changes in your mental wellbeing, or your mood, when you stopped nursing? Especially when your child was a bit older already?

This happened ten years ago, and just popped into my head. I need closure.

Back then, I accompanied my boyfriend of two years on a visit to his parents. We were in a LDR and I was not particularly close with my in-laws. We were in our early twenties, still getting our degrees. They were in their early fifties.

I went to use the restroom about half an hour after we arrived. I found the toilet brush soaking in the bowl, together with some cleaner.

What should I have done? Scrub the toilet before using it? Or take the brush out without cleaning the bowl? Or should I have mentioned it to my in-laws, in case they intentionally wanted to leave it to soak for a longer period of time, and forgot to show me to the other restroom?

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Mit ist es vor Kurzem beim dritten Versuch gelungen, mir einen guten Sauerteigstarter heranzuziehen. Es macht mich jedes Mal wahnsinnig glücklich, ein gelungenes Brot aus dem Ofen zu holen. Aber ich merke, dass ich jedes Mal anfange, zu rechnen: Wenn ich das Brot abends backen will, dann muss ich zu Zeitpunkt X den Teigling fertig haben, in den paar Stunden davor muss ich in der Nähe der Küche sein um den Vorteig zu machen, zu kneten, zu falten usw. Davor noch den Starter auffrischen. Das dauert alles nicht lange, aber man muss halt zu Hause sein und Zeit dafür haben.

Darum meine Frage:

Backt ihr an einem festen Tag, oder wenn es gerade passt?

Wie vereinbart ihr die Ruhrzeiten usw. mit eurem Arbeits- oder Familienalltag? Plant ihr eure Aktivitäten drumherum? Nehmt ihr immer das gleiche Rezept am gleichen Tag? Verlängert/verkürzt ihr Ruhezeiten manchmal, wenn was dazwischen kommt,und wie wirkt sich das aufs Brot aus?

Wir haben in unserem Gärtchen ein Planschbecken für die Kinder (2&4) aufgestellt. Sie gehen da normalerweise in Schwimmkleidung rein. Eins der Kinder ist leider gerade in einer Phase, in der es die Hose gerne mal runterzieht, und sie absolut nicht wieder hochziehen will. Damit flitzt es dann auch gerne eine Runde durch die Gegend, bis ich es eingefangen habe.

In einem abgeschiedenen Garten wäre das kein Problem. Leider ist unser Garten durch zwei in unmittelbarer Nähe stehende Gebäude mit insgesamt ca. 100 Wohnungen komplett einsehbar. Ich sorge mit einem Sonnenschirm für ein wenig Privatsphäre, aber mehr ist dank Eigentümergemeinschaft nicht drin.

Ich fühle mich überhaupt nicht wohl damit, dass jeder Heini in dieser Situation ein Video von meinen Kindern machen könnte.

Früher habe ich kleine Kinder oft unbekleidet im Babybereich vom See oder Schwimmbad planschen sehen. Auch aus meiner eigenen Kleinkindzeit gibt es solche Fotos. Das würde ich mich heute gar nicht mehr trauen, im Zeitalter von Smartphones und im Lichte der ganzen Epstein-Angelegenheit. Dass diese Neigungen viel weiter verbreitet sind, als ich jemals vermutet hätte, finde ich völlig widerlich.

Wie geht ihr um mit Nacktheit eurer Kinder im (semi-)öffentlichen Bereich? Ich will nicht paranoid sein und den Kindern den Badespaß im eigenen Garten auch nicht nehmen. Gleichzeitig will ich auch ihre Privatsphäre schützen.

Gestern habe ich nach langer Zeit mal wieder versucht, einen Sauerteig anzusetzen. Ich hatte ihn in unseren Backofen gestellt, worin es tagsüber knapp über 25° warm war. Gestern Abend habe ich noch zwei "Wärmflaschen" dazugestellt. Einen kleinen Glasbehälter mit heißem Wasser, und eine Thermosflasche mit kochendem Wasser, die konstant ein kleines bisschen Wärme abgibt. Hoffte ich zumindest.

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Gerade schaute ich in den Backofen, und die Temperatur war bei 23,9°. Empfohlene Temperatur im Rezept ist 25-30°.

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Muss ich den Teig nun wegwerfen, weil er einen Teil der Nacht unter 25° war? Ich will ungern von vorne anfangen, aber noch weniger will ich den Teig weitere drei Tage füttern und ausbrüten, und dann feststellen, dass er nichts geworden ist.

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Falls ihr Tipps habt, wie man die Temperatur konstant hält, dann gerne raus damit.

Die Kleine ist krank und hat mich gerade eben nochmal so richtig schön vollgespuckt. Ich hab uns wieder frisch gemacht und sie schläft gerade in meinen Armen ein.

Blöd nur, dass ich sie in fünf Minuten auf den Fahrradsitz setzen muss, um das große Kind aus der Kita zu holen.

Bitte drückt mir die Daumen, dass mir unterwegs nicht ein Schwall K*tze vom vorderen Fahrradsitz aus ins Gesicht weht.

This is a minor thing and I'll get over it, but I need to share it with people who understand. I have dropped 99% of the rope and am VVLC with my MIL already.

Once every couple of months I feel a little spark of warmth towards my MIL, and then I do something I later regret. 

This time we were on vacation and I encouraged my 4 year old to send a postcard to my parents. He picked one, and I encouraged him to also choose one for the other grandparents. I guess I wanted to model fairness, kindness and generosity to my son.

So I let the kid draw on both cards. Wrote a few sentences together with him - more for my parents, less for my in-laws. Put the cards in the mail.

My parents send me a lovely text, thanking my son and me for the card. 

Crickets from my in-laws. It's what I expected, but after a few days I did get a little sad. A quick thank you message to me would have been appreciated.

I mentioned it to my husband, and he got a bit sheepish. Turns out, my MIL DID say thank you - to HIM. 

So, it seems like I'm subconsciously still chasing her appreciation. Because hearing about her text to him first made me angry, and then sad. 

So I'll drop the last 1% of the rope. My husband can take care of postcards to his parents from now on. Or not. I don't care. From now on I'll model to my children that we save our efforts for the people who bring us joy.

Edit: Wow, writing this down really opened the floodgates and now I'm crying alone in the bedroom. I have reached out so many times. And she always makes it clear that all that she wants is her son and grandchildren. She'll never appreciate me as his wife and mother of his children. I need to accept that, but it's really painful.