u/Necessary-Mud-400

I posted here last week about how my mother in law was controlling my marriage and manipulating my husband. She would keep reminding him of my faults, flaws, telling him that I wasn’t a good wife, a good person, a good daughter in law. I lost respect for my husband for enabling it, for sometimes supporting his mother, and not protecting me. I never swore, shouted or hit him. But I lost respect.

Last night, he divorced me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel numb, scared, broken. I hate her.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/baogWkegEk

I got married and moved in with my husband and his parents 2 months ago.

It was an arranged marriage, but before we moved in together, my husband and I were genuinely happy. We spoke every day, saw each other every few feeks and I felt very close to him. I respected him a lot and thought he was someone who could make his own decisions and protect our marriage if there were ever issues with family.

Since moving in, things have gone downhill very quickly. Everything I do gets interpreted in the worst possible way by his parents and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

For example:

\- I’m naturally quiet, but they say I'm too quiet and antisocial.

\- If I go upstairs to rest or work, his mum tells people I'm in the room all day and I avoid her

\- I always offer to help around the house but his mum refuses to let me. Then she tells people I don’t help around the house

\- His mum once insulted me so I left a conversation because I didn’t want an argument. I didn’t shout, slam a door or say anything rude. Somehow that became me “storming off”.

His mum has also been comments about my hair, the way I dress, my personality and my family to my husband, and he doesn’t defend me or protect my honour. There have been numerous occasions when he would instead tell me that his mum has a point.

My husband’s mum has also said that I'm trying to taking her son away from her, that I'm manipulating him, that I'm controlling him. And I can feel my husband starting to believe it.

These things sound so minor written down, and that is partly why I find it difficult to explain. It is not one massive incident. It is lots of small incidents being retold in ways that make me sound rude, lazy, greedy or disrespectful.

I don’t expect him to blindly agree with me or assume his family are always wrong. But come on.. His mum even told him to divorce me!

Instead of us being a newly married couple who are adjusting to living together, it feels like he is constantly evaluating whether I am someone he can stay married to because of the constant doubts that she plants in his mind. I can feel him becoming more distant.

The more distant he becomes, the more anxious and angry I become. Then because I become emotional, that seems to prove to him that there is something wrong with me.

I know I have not handled everything perfectly. I have become frustrated and I have spoken badly during arguments. I told him to step up and be a husband, I regret that. There was no vulgar language, no screaming, shouting, throwing things, nothing to that extent. But I find myself constantly complaining to my husband about what his mum is doing because she is doing it so constantly. Every day.

But it's come to a point where I also feel like my reactions are being looked at without any consideration of what led to them.

I came into this marriage excited. I loved being affectionate with my husband. I wanted to travel with him, spend time together, build a home and eventually have children.

Now I feel like I am constantly defending myself against stories about my intentions. I'm struggling to see him as a husband, I'm losing respect and love for him, I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

If I want time alone with him, I’m taking him away.

If I want him to stand up for me, I’m making him choose between me and his family.

If I point out that a story doesn’t make sense, I’m nitpicking.

If I stay quiet, I’m antisocial.

If I defend myself, I’m disrespectful.

I honestly don’t know what the correct behaviour is anymore.

My husband says he has spoken to his mum and defended me at times, and I do believe he has tried in his own way. But his mum is crazy she has to get her way. Every time he takes my side or makes a decision with me, there is tension at home afterwards. Then he becomes stressed and withdraws from me. I feel like he is too weak. He's too soft. And his mum is too loud, too aggressive.

I don’t want him to cut off his family. I don’t want him to disrespect his mum. I just want our marriage to have some privacy and for decisions between us not to be changed every time somebody else is unhappy.

We have only actually lived together for a few months, and all of it has been in his parents’ home.

I’m scared that by the time he realises this, he will already have emotionally left the marriage because of my constant nagging, or eventually I will lose my mind and say things that I cant come back from

I have tried communicating with him calmly. I have tried explaining what is happening. I have asked for us to move out but he refuses. I don’t know what else I can do. All this had removed the softness from my heart, I can no longer be the soft, feminine, loving wife that I always wanted to be.

I had a pretty short marriage, we didn’t really have enough time to properly fall in love or build a deep emotional connection, so I feel emotionally ready to move on.

My ex-husband gave me 3 talaqs within one period. Since then, I’ve started speaking to someone else who I really like, and he’s asked me to meet his parents. The meeting itself would be after my iddah period, but I'm worried that accepting the invitation to meet his parents would constitute being proposed to.

The problem is I’m not sure what the Islamic ruling is here. From what I understand, I can’t formally accept a proposal while I’m still in my iddah. Would meeting his parents count as a formal proposal, or is that different? It's quite clear that he wishes to proceed with a nikkah, and meeting his parents is for my own peace of mind (previous toxic i laws), they won't have a say in his decision, and that's what makes it feel more like accepting the invitation means accepting a proposal.

For context, I’m still staying at home during my iddah, I haven’t met this guy in person, and I’m trying to keep our conversations within Islamic boundaries.

The other thing confusing me is the difference of opinion over 3 talaqs given at once. From what I understand, most scholars say that 3 talaqs in one period counts as 3 divorces, which would mean my ex-husband is fully my ex-husband.

But I’ve also seen the opinion that 3 talaqs given at once only counts as 1. If that’s the case, wouldn’t that technically mean my “ex-husband” is still my husband during my iddah and could take me back? And if so, I’m assuming I shouldn’t even be speaking to another man with marriage in mind right now?

I’m genuinely confused and just want to make sure I’m not doing anything haram. Would really appreciate advice, especially from anyone knowledgeable about talaq/iddah or who has been through something similar.

I had a pretty short marriage, we didn’t really have enough time to properly fall in love or build a deep emotional connection, so I feel emotionally ready to move on.

My ex-husband gave me 3 talaqs within one period. Since then, I’ve started speaking to someone else who I really like, and he’s asked me to meet his parents. The meeting itself would be after my iddah period, but I'm worried that accepting the invitation to meet his parents would constitute being proposed to.

The problem is I’m not sure what the Islamic ruling is here. From what I understand, I can’t formally accept a proposal while I’m still in my iddah. Would meeting his parents count as a formal proposal, or is that different? It's quite clear that he wishes to proceed with a nikkah, and meeting his parents is for my own peace of mind (previous toxic i laws), they won't have a say in his decision, and that's what makes it feel more like accepting the invitation means accepting a proposal.

For context, I’m still staying at home during my iddah, I haven’t met this guy in person, and I’m trying to keep our conversations within Islamic boundaries.

The other thing confusing me is the difference of opinion over 3 talaqs given at once. From what I understand, most scholars say that 3 talaqs in one period counts as 3 divorces, which would mean my ex-husband is fully my ex-husband.

But I’ve also seen the opinion that 3 talaqs given at once only counts as 1. If that’s the case, wouldn’t that technically mean my “ex-husband” is still my husband during my iddah and could take me back? And if so, I’m assuming I shouldn’t even be speaking to another man with marriage in mind right now?

I’m genuinely confused and just want to make sure I’m not doing anything haram. Would really appreciate advice, especially from anyone knowledgeable about talaq/iddah or who has been through something similar.