r/Newlyweds

What questions do you wish you asked before getting married?

I’d love to hear what timelines everyone experienced in their dating before marriage preferable this format (D:#, E:#, M:#) and also if you have and regrets?

Assalamu alaikum,

Are there any Muslims here who spent years fearing they might never get married, but eventually did?

I'm not looking for marriage advice as much as personal experiences. I'd love to hear from brothers and sisters who struggled with the fear of aging, not receiving proposals, or feeling left behind while others around them married and had families.

What was that period of your life like, and what helped you get through it?

Jazakum Allahu khayran.

i am 18f he is 19 his parents are no more so his relative told him to get married asap coz other relatives will start keeping eye on his wealth and told him to join business so his aunt knew my parents and they married us off and now we both are moving to us for his work everything is new for me he quit his studies for work but I can continue with my studies and he is very sweet but sometimes I feel sad and we both have to manage everything but there are some problems that he wants me to have child but i can't it's too difficult

Just wanted to know if anyone else has been having negative thoughts about marriage lately?

Growing up, marriage often seemed like a beautiful milestone, but the more stories, experiences, and challenges I see around me, the more questions I find myself asking. Whether it's concerns about commitment, compatibility, divorce rates, loss of independence, or simply wondering if it's still the right path for everyone, I'm curious to hear different perspectives.

If you've ever felt uncertain, skeptical, or even afraid of marriage, what shaped those feelings? Have your views changed over time?

Looking for honest opinions and respectful discussions.

I’m married 3 years now, so we’re somewhat newlyweds. I’m still having anxiety, questioning the marriage, did I make the right choice etc etc after THREE YEARS. I had all these thoughts and feelings during the engagement and tried to work through them, but now I feel like I got married too soon or before I was 100% sure of my decision. And even when things are fine in our relationship my mind keeps circling back to these questions. I feel like I have ROCD, but also a part of me can’t shake the feeling that maybe I didn’t make the right choice for myself. And I’m tired. Of talking it out, of therapy, of dealing with these big emotions. I just feel ready to quit sometimes , and my husband senses it too. Its impacted our intimacy greatly because I’ve pushed him away with all this shit going on in my head.

tldr: Im tired. and I feel guilty and sad. like he shoudlve chosen someone who was more sure. who loves him as much as he loves her. I feel like my love won’t ever be enough. It doesn’t feel equal. these thoughts make me feel guilty and sad and lonelier than ever.

Its been a year after marriage but I still have no desire to change my last name.

Before we got married we discussed it and I casually laughed it off that I would like to keep my maiden name.

Its now been a year I haven't done it and now im more turned off of the idea even more! His family is lovely but I am not a \[insert husband last name\]. My i feel my name is appart of who I am. When I seen it written on emails or paper invites im litterly like who's that and I make sometimes involuntary throw up noises. I think it would genuinely upset me to see a different name from who I am who I think of myself to be on legal documents as my passport. I generally disassociate from the name.. its not me.

I want to be completely honest with you & myself and say I have a very common Christian first name. Like Emma, Hannah or Rosie. However his surname gives away where hes from. ( for context we are the same race) however I like that my name doesn't carry any racial bias for simple things like reservations down to bigger things such as Job or housing applications.

I cant say for certain but perhaps if he had a more neutral surname I wouldn't feel so strongly.

How can I explain this to my husband without upsetting him. He is so traditional and gets upset when I make reservations using my maiden name.

I genuinely love this man. He’s kind, supportive, and there’s no major issue in our relationship. If anything, I feel lucky for this green flag man.

As a millennial you understand it’s a rare feeling right?

But ever since the roka happened and the wedding started feeling real, I’ve been getting anxious about the thought of sharing my room and the house space in general with his family

A little background: I am an only child, with severe space issues. For 20 years of my life i have lived alone independently with very less attention from my parents.

I love having my own room, my own corner, and time to myself. Even when I’m with my friends , I eventually need some alone time to recharge.
After marriage, we’ll be living with his family. It’s just his papa and dadi . And for some reason, that’s what’s stressing me out the most. It’s not about him. It’s not that I don’t want to be around him. I just can’t imagine never having a space that’s completely mine anymore. Everyone around me seems excited about marriage and living together, while I’m sitting here wondering if there’s something wrong with me for being worried about this.

Did anyone else feel this way before getting married? how do women adjust to sharing your life and home with another person?

**TL;DR:** Got rokafied to a man I love and will be living with him and his family after marriage. I’ve always been very independent and need a lot of personal space, so the idea of sharing a room and never really having my own space anymore is making me anxious. Did anyone else feel this way before marriage, and how did you adjust?

I recently got married, and one thing I wasn't expecting was how much of an adjustment it would be not having many friends in the same phase of life.

I do have one close friend who's married, but she lives a few hours away, so we don't get to see each other often. Most of our other friends are either single or in very different relationship situations. Because of that, our lifestyles and priorities are starting to look a little different.

My husband and I both work monday to friday 9-5 schedules, and weekends are usually our only uninterrupted time together. We genuinely enjoy spending that time traveling, trying new restaurants, exploring new places, or just doing things as a couple. Meanwhile, many of our friends have more flexible schedules or partners who work weekends, so they're often looking to make plans when we're prioritizing time together.

I'm finding it a little challenging to navigate this shift and maintain friendships while also embracing this new stage of life. I don't think anyone is doing anything wrong at all; it just feels like we're on slightly different paths right now.

Has anyone else experienced this after getting married? How did you balance friendships with building your life as a married couple, especially if you didn't have many friends in a similar situation?

this post is more about the mental health if ur in a stressful or hectic marriage doesn't matter if the issue is sexual or normal but cant share it with anyone in person or anything like that

feel free to talk about in in the comments maybe other married people will help u out... u can also reach out if dont wanna say in comments

your mental health do matter!!

My husband and I recently traveled abroad together for IVF treatment. It was a significant trip, emotionally and physically, and it made me notice something that’s been bothering me for a while.
Whenever there’s a free moment—at the airport, in a lounge, waiting for food, after we finish eating, in a taxi, walking somewhere—he’s on his phone. News, sports, social media, articles, I don’t even know exactly what. I don’t suspect cheating or anything like that. It’s not about trust.
It’s more that I find myself wondering: what’s the point of traveling together if we’re not really sharing the experience?
I started thinking that if I were alone, I could choose my own restaurants, my own schedule, my own pace, and I wouldn’t feel disappointed by the lack of interaction. Instead, I’m carrying the expectation that we’re doing this together, but a lot of the time it feels like I’m alone anyway.
We’ve been married for several years, and I’m genuinely curious:
Is this just how a lot of marriages become over time?
Is this a common “men” thing, where they can be perfectly content being physically present but mentally somewhere else?
Do other spouses feel lonely even when they’re sitting right next to their partner?
If you’ve experienced this, did you just accept it, talk about it, or did it point to a deeper issue?
I’m not looking to bash my husband. He’s a good person, and there are many things I appreciate about him. I’m just trying to understand whether what I’m feeling is normal or whether this is something worth addressing more directly.

So I am a 'M/25' who is with a 'F/23' turning 24 this year and the length of our relationship has been about 4.5 years. We recently got married and are almost a month in and this month hasn’t been the best so far. Over the course of these weeks we’ve been in an okay standing. We’ve had some good moments but have also had a lot of arguments and fights.

So for a bit of background history over our relationship. Me and my partner are very different, we are the complete opposite type of people, like when they say opposites attract you’ll probably see us right next to the definition. Although we are different tho we love each other a lot which has allowed us to keep this relationship going. Our 2 main problems since the beginning of our relationship pretty much is how we handle conflict and dealing with unmet expectations.

As per conflict issue, I’ve noticed she seems to be upset about something or complains about things frequently. She’ll be upset something about me or when it’s not me it’s a co-worker, when it’s not a co-worker it’s some random driver on the road, there’s just always something negative. I get being upset but it’s to the point where I find it excessive and I just don’t know how someone can be upset or mad so often, she was even upset the entire day of our wedding. Yes things didn’t go perfectly as expected but I still can say I had a blast and it was beautiful but according to her it wasnt good. When she is upset at me I’ve noticed she has a couple of habits that I don’t believe help our relationship at all. When she’s mad she shuts down. She starts to stonewall me meaning she doesn’t wish to communicate or talk, sometimes will leave the house and not tell me where she’s going, she’ll ignore my calls and messages, be passive aggressive. I keep telling her in those moments that I want to know what’s wrong and I genuinely care. I understand that something I did bothered her and I want to have the opportunity to apologize and make it right as well as validate her feelings. But it’s like she’s just not willing to talk to me. I’ll be trying to get her to open up for hours sometimes days about what’s bothering her and she says nothing or that she’s already over it (when clearly she’s not). Then on my part I end up getting frustrated and stop asking or trying to figure it out which she hates but it’s so mentally and emotionally draining when she does all this stuff so often and over the course of years it’s become a lot on my mental. She tells me in those moments that sometimes it’s not easy to talk which I understand and tells me there’s certain things I can do to help her calm down. She’ll tell me don’t leave her alone but she’ll leave and not tell me where she’s going or not pick up my calls or texts so how can I do that, she’ll say she wants to be comforted kissed or hugged but when I do that she pulls and pushes away, she says she wants me to go after the problem and not beat around the bush but when I ask her what’s wrong and that I notice she’s a bit off and if she wants to talk she refuses or says she’s fine and tries to deflect. I’m trying my best to help her but I don’t know why she wants to make it so difficult for me. When I’m upset with her and she asks to talk I don’t hold it against her I communicate and tell her how I feel. I’m not saying I’m perfect I understand somethings are hard to say but I try to always have a conversation when she asks and the issue gets resolved rather quick or if she doesnt agree with what I’m saying well sometimes she gets upset and catches an attitude..

Next is the unmet expectations, she does have Good expectations for me but I’m not there yet. She wants me to be a great leader, the ultimate man of the house, the person in control and in his masculine which will allow her to be more in her feminine which I frankly want to. But again there’s just some major contradictions in her behaviour, she wants me to lead but gives me so much reissstance or shuts me down when I’m trying to make a decision, in regards to taking initiative, I try to do certain things but to her everything is wrong, not enough or again she shuts me down before I can go do it, when a problem occurs and I want to offer my advice or solution that may potentially work she has a habit of saying one second, one second!!! ( which basically translates to be quite so I can think) basically ignoring everything I hv to say. Than when we get in an argument she tells me all this stuff about I can’t lead, and she can’t trust me to make a decision and I never step up and she feels like the man in the relationship which pisses me off. I’m 25 I’m still learning a lot on how to lead and be the man of his home but it feels like she wants someone more complete. I’m really trying to do these things but I feel like I can’t grow into that person if she’s always giving me so much push back, and being so combative and critical with everything I do and with every decision I want to make. I feel like she just wants me to do what she would do. She’s told me many times in those moments to make the decision she would make and I don’t know how I feel about that saying tbh. Bc what if the decision that is not what she wants is better for us overall which has happened many times before.

I do believe she acts this way due to past trauma. Her father wasn’t in her life and i believe it really hurt her and has caused her to put up her guard and be very protective of herself. Especially when it comes to people she has any form of relationship with (partner, friends, family). I understand where’s she’s coming from as well but even that mentality is hurting our relationship. In arguments she has this attitude where she has to protect herself at all costs, on our honeymoon we had a bad argument and she did just that. In a short summary we were in Jamacia and she was upset one day. We were taking a cab and for those who don’t know people in Jamacia actually drive kinda like there auditioning for the next fast and furious movie. I asked her to put on her seatbelt which she didn’t want to do so I put my arm around her, so while the guy was driving she wouldn’t fall off the seat and bump her head as I could see she was falling asleep but bc she refused bc she was mad. We had a talk when we got back to the hotel and I explained my thought process, I was just trying to tell her even tho we may be upset with each other that doesn’t mean we don’t look out for each other and she says to me HEY WERE BOTH GROWN IM GONNA TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, IM GONNA DO WHAT I WANT TO DO AND YOU CAN GO DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!!! Which genuinely hurt me so deeply bc just the other day when we were getting married she says to me well we’re married now so we gotta really look out for each other in such a loving way… that is not the first time she’s said something like that, I’ve realized she says things out of anger at times but still. All our really bad arguments lead to her proposing we break up, the thing that changes is now she proposed for the first time divorce. And this type of stuff has been going on for years, lots of red flags but just the fact that I do love her and she loves me has kept us from completely walking away for good.

All of this has pushed me to a point where it feels crippling to me. My mental sanity feels like it’s dwindling and my patience is running very thin. I usually bounce back but this time feels different. Instead of thinking what more I can do and how I’m gonna approach this again, I just can’t stop thinking if marrying her was the right idea. She’s definitely has some good qualities to her. Like I can def say she’s pushed me to be a better man, want more in life, and push at my goals. But just the lack of accountability and her making it seem that all our problems is just my fault weighs so heavy. It sucks that I realized and am feeling everything this deeply now but idk… there’s a lot more things but I don’t want to make this to much longer.

What do you guys think I should do? With your experiences do people change or is it all just a waste of time? Is leaving the right thing to do?

That’s it.

I 22F am married to my childhood friend 22M and I feel like everything we planned and were working towards is hopeless.

Some backstory:

○ We've been together for 2.5 years, married for 6 months

○ I moved from out of state to over in with him

○ We live with his family

○ The original plan was for me to go to school for a year, get my license, us get married, then he would join the military and we would move where we were sent and have kids

○ I graduated and he proposed with plans to do a courthouse wedding, join the military and do an actual wedding on our 5 year anniversary

○ he later changed his mind and said he only wants to deal with the wedding once, which gave us 4 months to plan a wedding and fly in my family from various states

○ I made my wedding dress, and he would get short with me whenever I was stressed working in it

○ two months before the wedding he changes jobs , making his drive to work go from 15 minutes to 1 hour minimum

○ day of the wedding, he refused to exchange vows or do a dance with me (we didnt exchange vows until 182 days after the wedding)

○ tells me he wouldve been fine if we stayed dating and we only got married for the military

○ it has now been almost 6 months post wedding and he has now decided that he doesnt want to join the military anymore and its a "single-mans job"

○ he doesnt want to leave the area, move away from his mom, or leave me alone so he doesnt want to join anymore and he wants to get a different job and doesnt know if hes interested in trade school

○ I tell him that I feel hopeless because he's changed the plan. There's no more moving out, having kids, ect bc theres no more military. There's no more space in the room because of all the tools he has and keeps buying, and the once space i had that was mine (my car) he has confiscated because he drives it to work (a 21 y/o car with 200,000 miles that he puts 100 miles on a day)

○ the solution that was offered was buy him a shed for all his stuff, I could take over control of the closet, and I should give up the dream of having kids

○ im having alot of trouble giving up my want for kids and I feel like im starting to become very depressed and short with everyone because of that

○ I love him, and ive been told to leave him, but to leave him would mean loosing my best friend, but im not happy. I know relationships aren't easy and theres good times and bad times, so the question is:

Is this one of those moments where I should give it time?

My husband M29 recently lost his dad, and it’s absolutely breaking my heart watching him go through this especially that he’s just acting normal like nothing happened he was close to his dad and loved him he even mentioned he was always prepared for this moment because his dad was sick , which i understand we all grieve differently. We’re newlyweds, and I had grown very close to his dad as well.

My dad passed away when I was young, but I didn’t fully understand grief back then. Now, seeing my husband experience this loss, I just want to be there for him in the best way possible.

For those who’ve been through something similar, what helped? How can I support him without overwhelming him?

I (32F) have been with my husband (42M) for several years and we've been married for 1 year.

We have always talked about wanting children, but we both agreed that we wanted to wait until we were financially stable before starting a family.

Currently, I am the sole breadwinner in our household. My african husband is self-employed and has been working hard to grow his business, but it hasn't been bringing in a stable income. For the past two years, I've covered our rent, utilities, groceries, holidays, and most other shared expenses. I've also helped support his business financially when needed because I love him and want to see him succeed.

Recently, my husband told me he wants us to start trying for children now. I told him I'm not comfortable doing that yet and would prefer for him to have a stable source of income first, whether that's through his business becoming profitable or by getting a job while continuing to work on the business.

This upset him. He says plenty of people have children without being financially secure and still make it work. I understand that point of view, but I already feel a lot of responsibility being the only person financially supporting our household. I'm worried about adding the financial responsibility of raising a child when we don't currently have a second reliable income to fall back on.

My husband feels I'm being unfair by asking him to get a stable job before we start trying for kids. I feel I'm being practical and trying to make sure we're in the best position possible before bringing a child into the world.

What would you do?