u/TechnologyVast7109

We've been married a few months and, overall, things are really good. We're affectionate, we laugh a lot, and we genuinely like each other as roommates and teammates. But I'm already noticing how easy it is for our sexual energy to slide into autopilot once work, chores, and normal life kick back in.

Neither of us is rejecting the other. It's more that we both default to screens at night (I play games and she scrolls), we get sleepy, and the flirty momentum just disappears unless one of us makes a deliberate move. When we do have sex it's great; I don't want to wake up a year from now and realize we stopped prioritizing it.

Looking for practical ideas from other newlyweds:

- What small habits actually helped you keep initiating and feeling wanted without making it feel scheduled or clinical?

- Any routines that helped you transition from 'couch and phones' to real us time?

- Low pressure ways to build anticipation during the day?

- If you tried date nights or intimacy challenges, what worked and what felt forced?

Open to ideas from either side, including stuff you wish you had started earlier. We're both willing, I just want to be smarter about this now while we're still building our patterns.

I am 36M, my wife is 34F. We have been together 10 years and married for 7. We have two kids, 5 and 2. On paper things are pretty good: we parent well together, we rarely fight, and we laugh a lot. I do most of the bedtime routine.

The problem is our sex life. Over the last year it has dwindled to maybe once every 6 to 8 weeks. When we are together it feels like she is mentally somewhere else. I am not expecting movie-level passion, but I miss feeling wanted and I miss the closeness.

I have tried a gentle approach. More hugs, non-sexual touch, taking things off her plate, planning quiet at-home dates after the kids are asleep. She says she appreciates it, but it does not seem to change the desire piece. If I initiate I often get a sigh or a joke about being tired. If I stop initiating, nothing happens.

Part of my worry is that I come off too solution-focused. I am the sort of person who wants to fix things fast, and I am afraid I sound like I am trying to fix her instead of trying to understand her. The last thing I want is for her to feel pressured or like she is failing.

How do I start a conversation that is honest - saying I am lonely and this hurts - without making her defensive? If she tells me she just does not have desire anymore, what are realistic next steps for a long-term marriage with kids?

TL;DR: 36M married to 34F for 7 years, sex has dropped to once every 6 to 8 weeks and feels disconnected. How do I bring it up without sounding critical or pressuring her, and what should we do if her desire really is gone?