u/OptomisticBanana

Before going into this, please be kind ind your responses.

My fiancée and I recently realized that we may view certain social situations differently, and I am trying to understand how couples work through differences like this.

We discussed a hypothetical situation where she is out with a single friend, they meet two men at a bar, and the four of them are invited back to one of the men’s homes to continue hanging out. She said she would be comfortable going as part of the group and would leave if her friend started hooking up with one of them.

My reaction was that two women and two men leaving a bar and going back to a private home could feel somewhat like a double-date setting, even if nobody intends anything inappropriate and she clearly says she is engaged. I would personally be uncomfortable with that situation and would likely avoid it myself.

After I explained that, she said she understood why it bothered me and would not do it if I was uncomfortable. At the same time, she still feels that if I were genuinely okay with it, then it would not necessarily be a problem.

So she would avoid it because it makes me uncomfortable, but she would not necessarily see it as a problem if I were genuinely okay with it. I would never do it, because I feel it’s sending the wrong message to the other person and our marriage.

We both trust each other and love each other deeply. I do not believe trust means never feeling uncomfortable with a particular situation, though. To me, trusting someone and feeling that a situation is appropriate are related but not identical. I can trust that she would not cheat while still feeling that a certain setting sends the wrong message or crosses a boundary for me.

I do not think she is unfaithful, and I am not saying she should not spend time with single friends. I am trying to understand whether we simply have different instincts about what feels appropriate in a committed relationship, and whether that difference matters long term.

How do couples determine whether a difference like this is just a boundary that needs to be discussed, or a sign that they have meaningfully different expectations about marriage?

Please be respectful in your responses to both sides. I am genuinely trying to understand this, not invite aggressive comments toward either of us.

TL;DR: My fiancée and I trust each other and give each other independence, but we have different instincts about whether going back to a private home with a single friend and two men or two women is appropriate. She would avoid it because it makes me uncomfortable, but she would not necessarily see it as a problem if I were genuinely okay with it. I would never do it, because I feel it’s sending the wrong message to the other person and our marriage. I am trying to understand the difference between trust, comfort, boundaries, and long-term compatibility.

Before going into this, please be kind ind your responses.

My fiancée and I recently realized that we may view certain social situations differently, and I am trying to understand how couples work through differences like this.

We discussed a hypothetical situation where she is out with a single friend, they meet two men at a bar, and the four of them are invited back to one of the men’s homes to continue hanging out. She said she would be comfortable going as part of the group and would leave if her friend started hooking up with one of them.

My reaction was that two women and two men leaving a bar and going back to a private home could feel somewhat like a double-date setting, even if nobody intends anything inappropriate and she clearly says she is engaged. I would personally be uncomfortable with that situation and would likely avoid it myself.

After I explained that, she said she understood why it bothered me and would not do it if I was uncomfortable. At the same time, she still feels that if I were genuinely okay with it, then it would not necessarily be a problem.

So she would avoid it because it makes me uncomfortable, but she would not necessarily see it as a problem if I were genuinely okay with it. I would never do it, because I feel it’s sending the wrong message to the other person and our marriage.

We both trust each other and love each other deeply. I do not believe trust means never feeling uncomfortable with a particular situation, though. To me, trusting someone and feeling that a situation is appropriate are related but not identical. I can trust that she would not cheat while still feeling that a certain setting sends the wrong message or crosses a boundary for me.

I do not think she is unfaithful, and I am not saying she should not spend time with single friends. I am trying to understand whether we simply have different instincts about what feels appropriate in a committed relationship, and whether that difference matters long term.

How do couples determine whether a difference like this is just a boundary that needs to be discussed, or a sign that they have meaningfully different expectations about marriage?

Please be respectful in your responses to both sides. I am genuinely trying to understand this, not invite aggressive comments toward either of us.

TL;DR: My fiancée and I trust each other and give each other independence, but we have different instincts about whether going back to a private home with a single friend and two men or two women is appropriate. She would avoid it because it makes me uncomfortable, but she would not necessarily see it as a problem if I were genuinely okay with it. I would never do it, because I feel it’s sending the wrong message to the other person and our marriage. I am trying to understand the difference between trust, comfort, boundaries, and long-term compatibility.

My friend (M) and his fiancée (F) are both in their early 30s and have been together about 5 years, with a wedding planned in the next few months.

He knows he’s not perfect—far from it. He can be selfish with time, gets caught up in his own world, and isn’t always as thoughtful or considerate as he should be (especially with planning, gifts, or acts of service). He runs businesses, has a lot going on personally (family illness and loss), and sometimes loses track of time or isn’t as present as he should be. He’s actively working on this and has gone to therapy. He’s not claiming to be an angel—he knows he contributes to conflict.

The concern is how conflict is handled.

From early in the relationship, when she gets frustrated, she has a pattern of yelling and calling him names like “you’re so stupid” or “you’re a fing r*d.” Early on, this happened frequently (even weekly), and there were moments where she would shove him away when upset (not injuring him, but still physical). Over time, especially with therapy, this has improved significantly. Now it’s more like once every few months, and the physical behavior has stopped completely.

However, the name-calling hasn’t fully gone away.

She says it’s hard to break because that’s how her parents communicated growing up. Her parents are also very critical of him and have made him feel like he’s not enough, despite him having success in his career. They’ve called him names as well. She has stood up for him at times, but she’s very close with them and sometimes internalizes their views.

On his side, his family isn’t perfect either. His mom has mental health challenges and can be difficult, but his family has been very loving and welcoming toward her.

He personally avoids yelling and tries to stay calm during conflict because he doesn’t want to say something hurtful. His background includes physical abuse from his father, and he’s very intentional about not repeating that pattern.

They are in couples therapy. The therapist has said he needs to understand that she is more reactive. She sometimes uses that to explain her behavior. He struggles with that and feels that being reactive shouldn’t excuse how someone treats their partner.

There are also positive moments. Recently, he made a mistake with a wedding photographer and expected her to be upset, but she handled it calmly and kindly. It showed him she can respond without yelling or name-calling.

A recent example:

She had an important event she was excited about for months. He made a timing mistake that caused them to rush. They still made it, but she was stressed beforehand.

He owned the mistake.

In response, she yelled at him and repeatedly called him names. Afterward, instead of fully apologizing, she said things like “don’t act like it if you don’t want to be called it,” and tied it back to his behavior. She also said if he expects her to get anger management, then he needs therapy for his time management. He agrees he needs to improve, but feels that’s separate from being spoken to that way.

When he tries to talk about how it affected him, he feels like it gets minimized or shut down. Sometimes she threatens to disengage entirely if he brings it up again.

He’s also asked her directly if she thinks calling people names is okay, and she’s said yes if they’re “acting like it.” He’s asked her to instead say things like “you might be mistaken,” but she refuses.

He loves her deeply and believes she has the ability to change. She has improved over time, and one of her strengths is that she can implement feedback when she truly understands it.

Whenever he tries to call her out on he feels about being called names, he hopes she will listen and take it in. Instead she responded with “I feel this same way about you when it comes to X (being late).” He wants his space to feel heard and for her space to feel heard at a separate time he’s bringing up his concerns. He wants to understand how she feels, but not at the same time he’s trying to communicate his feelings being ignored. Because it makes him feel like she’s not listening

But he’s struggling with:

- whether this pattern will fully go away

- being blamed for her reactions

- what this would look like in a marriage or with kids

- becoming numb to this kind of communication

He wants to make this work and is willing to put in effort. He just wants conflict to be handled without yelling or name-calling.

Whenever he tries to call her out on he feels about being called names, he hopes she will listen and take it in. Instead she responded with “I feel this same way about you when it comes to X (being late).” He wants his space to feel heard and for her space to feel heard at a separate time he’s bringing up his concerns. He wants to understand how she feels, but not at the same time he’s trying to communicate his feelings being ignored. Because it makes him feel like she’s not listening.

Main questions:

Is this something that can realistically be worked through before marriage?

What kind of change should he expect to see (and for how long) before feeling confident moving forward?

Advice Request and TLDR

- How do you balance “they’ve improved a lot” with “the issue still exists”?

- Is it reasonable to pause wedding planning until this is fully addressed?

- For those who have dealt with similar dynamics, what actually helped create lasting change?

He acknowledges that in joking settings he isn’t always the most politically correct with language, and they both sometimes joke that way. His concern is specifically that this kind of language is used during arguments, not jokingly.