r/marriageadvice

Right here goes..I tried to attach the actual pictures but Reddit wouldn't allow me so I had to type out the queries asked to Chat GPT.

I was using the family laptop this evening while my wife was in bed. I was looking up jobs online and came across a few I'd be a good match for. The plan was to copy one of the job specs and put it into Chat GPT along with my CV and asked it to recommend any improvements. I have previously been using my own Chat GPT account to work on my CV and noticed when I fired up Chat GPT that my wife must have been using the laptop earlier today to help with a hen party she is planning for her for friend.

Anyways...i just needed a CV checked against a job spec and I was literally too lazy to log out of hers and into mine so just used hers. While waiting for it to load I could see previous Chat GPT queries my wife had made such as cooking recipes, workout plans etc. She uses it quite a bit on her phone so all the queries from her phone go through to her account when logged onto the laptop.

One caught my eye and the title was advice for friend considering an affair... Immediately clicked into that and it was my wife asking for advice for her "friend" who is married with kids but loves attention from other men. The exact wording of the query was:

"My friend asked me for advice and I don't know what to tell her. She's married and has kids but loves attention from other men and even went as far to tell me she fantasises about having sex with them. I don't know what to tell her." This was dated around middle of June.

Then the next message that caught my eye was from the end of June and it was a shorter query that asked:

"is someone monitoring my phone?"

Then fast forward to 10th of July and my wife put the following message into Chat GPT:

"I am 33 years old and have been married for 6.5 years with 2 kids. Lately my husband hasn't been treating me well and I have asked him to move back to the town he grew up in and move in with his parents. However he has said no. I have started having an affair with a 55 year old man."

Chat GPT gave her some of its generic BS answer and then she replied this to that message:

"My husband is very disrespectful. He shouts at me all the time, he isn't affectionate and he won't have sex. I don't know if I want to save my marriage. I feel like I wouldn't be with him if we didn't have the kids".

To say I am gutted is an understatement. And this is just a complete mess as we've found out recently she is about 8/9 weeks pregnant and my mind is going overtime thinking what if this child isn't mine.

I've done so much for my wife. We've been together 13 years, I moved over 200 miles from my tight knit family to love with her. I really dislike the area we live in and I don't know too many people but I hold onto the hope our little family would move back to my local area. Her mother recently passed away and I was there for her every step of the way. Her siblings are all adults and they are not people who I would consider close family or are people you can rely on. My family love my wife and I just wish she would accept their love and care for her instead of seeking it with her own siblings who exploit my wife.

I am not going to say everything has been all plain sailing, we have 2 young kids who are great but they are 3 and 5 and a million miles an hour. My wife is a stay at home mother and hasn't worked since going off on maternity with the 3 year old. She receives benefits payments as one of our children has a disability. I am out working and get a good salary but the majority of my salary is to the mortgage, phone plans, electric, gas, car maintenance, and other utility bills which amount to approx £2300 per month, leaving very little for me to spend on myself or the family as my gross monthly salary is £2700. My wife receives around £2000 a month and only contributes £800 towards the house although I am covering some of her debts in that £2300. This has caused a lot of tension and I do get annoyed at this.

She also is at home when the kids are at school, she goes to yoga every day along with getting nail and hair treatments every week. I leave the house at 7.30 in the morning and don't get home until 6.30 most workdays. The house is a tip, washing never done, dishes piled up from night before, food all over the floor in kitchen and dining room. I ask what we're you doing all day the place is a tip and she will say she was busy round at her mummy's or was tired.

So I am now coming home from work, and starting into doing housework. My wife will notice this and then come offer to help and I am just so annoyed at her that I admit I am cranky and rude but I feel disrespected working all day and coming home to do this. I feel doing your fair share is not a big ask, I don't mind doing my bit about the house but I am doing everything.

I would say my wife has a higher sex drive than me, but I just be so annoyed, fed up and tired I don't feel like sex some times. And after getting all the house work done and then kids to sleep I just want to chill and sex is far from the top of my tongue do list. We still have sex a few times a week it's not like we are completely celibate.

I have never had any need to feel I needed to spy on her so when I seen the question about someone monitoring her phone, that really got me thinking she's being overly sneaky about something.

In relation to all her queries. I am actually sick at the thought of it. She coaches an underage basketball team and is fairly popular with the coaches across different age groups. One of the coaches in the team she helps with is a 55 year old man who I am certain is the man she's referring to. He's a complete flirt and going by the nature of these messages, she would have loved the attention. I have been clinging onto hope that she was lonely and just stuck this into Chat GPT as a way to fantasise about this but I really think I'm clutching at straws.

I don't know if I am asking for help or venting..or I don't even know what! I am just feeling broken, alone and upset... I've got great kids and I have so much love for this woman...but it's a mess. How do I confront her, do I say what's this? Do I say nothing and hope she asks more incriminating queries..if it was a one off thing then I can't..is this baby even mine... Do I post an anonymous letter to my house addressed to my wife advising her to tell me the truth before a similar letter is posted to me.

tl:dr my wife asked chatgpt a query about her affair on her phone and I seen it on the laptop which is linked to her got account. Advice

tl;dr accidently found my wife's Chat GPT queries discussing her affair on our laptop as she doesn't know her phone account is linked to the laptop

About ten years ago I discovered that my wife was texting with a male coworker one evening. We had been married for about 10 years at that point and had two young children. I was in denial about the state of our marriage. I was putting my career ahead of her and the kids and she was carrying the burden of her career and our young children. At the time, neither of us realized that I was also suffering from severe depression (it runs rampant in my family) and had not come to terms with how that was impacting me. In short, I had no bandwith to be a husband and parent on top of my work commitments which took everything out of me.

About a year prior to my discovery of this texting situation, I had received a wakeup call in the form of a letter that my wife had written me, explaining how my lack of partnership in our marriage was leading to our marriage's demise if I didn't change. During this time period, I had just taken a major advancement in my career that would require me to be on the road for half of each month. This time away, only added to my wifes burden. I also noticed that my wife was hanging out with her coworker outside the office. He was also married with two boys the same ages as ours and on two occasions she would take our boys on play dates with her coworker.

It should be noted that my wife has always had more male friends than female friends. In fact when we first met, her best friend was gay and I never once had a problem with it, though I did admit it was difficult to take early on but I never wanted to seem jealous of a situation that wasn't worth worrying about.

The night I confronted her about the texting, she claimed that they were just friends but she understood that I was not comfortable with them texting in the evening and she promised not to do it again. Fast forward six months later and while we were at our sons little league game, I caught her texting him again. I was furious. I held my anger until we got home so as not to make a scene in public.

At home, I confronted her as to why she continued texting him even after she agreed not to. She was very apologetic and claimed that she didn't realize how much it had hurt me. I asked her what they talked about and she stated they mostly talked about their kids and their respective spouses. She claimed that his wife also suffered from depression so they obviously had a lot in common. She denied having any feelings for him and that nothing physical ever occured between them. I asked to see her phone to read the texts but she "didn't want to violate his privacy." I ended up storming off and headed to a local bar to cool off and drown my sorrows. She texted me pleading to come home and talk which I eventually did.

When I got home, I again stated my case to see her phone but she continued to refuse. I took off my wedding ring and threw it across the room. I was so upset I threatened to call his wife but she pleaded that I not as it was a non issue and there was no reason to get her involved. She was extremely apologetic and continued to deny that anything was going on between them other than a friendship based on two individuals going thru similar struggles at home. She promised to not communicate with him outside of work and she even ended up taking another job so as to end their communication alltogether.

I am not sure exactly when we stopped having sex but we ended up going seven years without any sex or intimacy. I had lost a lot of my desire to have sex with her and found myself preferring masturbation. I also stopped contributing around the house even more than normal as I didn't feel like now was the time for me to be going out of my way to help her after what she had done. She steadfastly denied anything but at this point I felt we had just become housemates. I would ask for sex when masturbation had lost its fun but she always had an excuse. After years 5 of no sex, I brought up the idea of couples therapy. I felt like the last 5 years had become a game of chicken. Neither one of us wanted to make the first move to repair the marriage but I was the first to blink.

In addition to realizing how bad my depression had become I also found out I had been dealing with low testosterone. Once I started taking weekly testosterone injections I immediately had a physical awakening as I realized how badly I missed intimacy. I started working out and getting into shape and began doing individual therapy. My wife had admitted that she had completely shut down her sexual side of herself. Between her career, our children and our household, she had no desire for sex anymore. She had been too hurt by my rebuffing of her sexually despite the fact that she didn't do anything wrong. She certainly understood how I could feel betrayed but my years of not contributing around the house had left her in survival mode and there was no time for a sexual outlet.

As we both sought individual therapy, we both wanted to repair what we had lost. She was afraid to open herself to me sexually for fear of getting hurt again. In her words she had mourned our marriage long ago so it was going to take time to heal those wounds and for her to open herself up to me again.

It took nearly two years of us going thru individual therapy before we finally had sex after the seven year drought. There was one big problem. For the last seven years, I was torn between whether or not I truly believed that nothing had happened between them. I didn't tell her that the night after I caught her texting him the second time, I found myself masturbating to the thought of them together. And not only that, all of my masturbation fantasies involved the thought of them together. I couldn't finish unless I was thinking about them.

The hardest thing I ever did was when I admitted this to her last year. It was so difficult for me to believe her and my thoughts were consumed with all the signs that something could have happened. I basically told her that for the last seven years, I was so hurt by what she had done that the only way I could cope was to turn my pain into comfort.

She completely understood where I was coming from and promised to stand by my side as I worked thru this addiction. I truly felt that the only way for me to get over it would be for her to embrace it by reaching out to him and reconnecting. I told her that I felt bad that I had abandoned her and that she had every reason to be with him. I couldn't go on without her at least reaching out to him to let him know how badly I wanted to see them together. I needed them to fuck and that was the only way I could move on.

She again claimed that she never had feelings for him and that she didn't think he had feelings for her. I told her that I don't believe that he couldn't have feelings for her. She was more attractive than his wife and of course with their friendship, he had to have had feelings for her. I needed her to find out. She steadfastly declined to do such a thing as he was still married and she wasn't willing to interfere and at this point it had been nearly 10 years since they last communicated and it would be very uncomfortable.

As I continued with a new therapist who specialized in sexual issues, I told her everything. I was steadfast in my belief that I couldn't get over this trauma unless she turned the friendship into something more. I had begun introducing toys to my wife for the first time. One night I brought out a dildo and told my wife to pretend that this was his cock. She refused to partake but didn't stop me from giving play by play as I pretended that the dildo was his penis. I had never seen my wife get so aroused as she did that night. This then became a regular thing and I began to ask my wife to partake and roleplay with me. She wanted to meet with my therapist to get her opinion (my therapist was in favor of it as long as my wife was as well) but she has continued to kick the can as far as that goes.

I have gone back and forth on trying to move on from this but I cannot cum unless I am masturbating about them. I truly feel that if my wife will partake in the roleplaying than I can finally orgasm during penetration and have closure on this.

Has anyone else been thru a similar situation or is this a first? lol

"tl;dr"

My wife had an emotional affair and years later I am asking her to "cuck" me in order to get over the trauma.

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Is My Marriage Done?

I honestly don't know if my marriage is salvageable anymore, and I'm looking for some outside perspective.

My husband and I fight constantly. We both name-call, and our arguments can get really ugly. I know I'm not innocent in that, and I take responsibility for my part.

But I'm also completely exhausted and resentful. He doesn't really help with the kids or the household chores. He spends a lot of his free time in his room playing video games, while I feel like I'm carrying most of the responsibilities.

There's also a huge disconnect between us emotionally and physically. He has told me that he's not willing to be more emotionally supportive of me unless I commit to being intimate with him 3–4 times a week. He sees physical intimacy as something he needs in order to feel connected and supported.

The problem is that I'm so stressed, overwhelmed, and hurt by the state of our relationship that I have basically zero sex drive. It's hard for me to want physical intimacy when I don't feel emotionally safe, supported, or connected.

I understand that intimacy is important in a marriage, and I'm not trying to dismiss his needs. But I also don't know how I'm supposed to manufacture a sex drive when I'm exhausted and feeling resentful.

At this point, I'm wondering if we're stuck in a cycle where he feels rejected, I feel pressured, I withdraw more, he becomes more resentful, and we fight even more.

Is this something that can actually be fixed?

Have any of you come back from a marriage that was this disconnected and resentful? What actually helped? I'm trying to figure out whether there's something worth fighting for here or whether we're just hurting each other at this point.

Tl;dr bullet points

Husband and I fight constantly.

We both name-call and say hurtful things

.

I feel exhausted and overwhelmed by childcare and household responsibilities.

He spends a lot of time in his room playing video games and doesn't help much.

He says he won't be emotionally supportive unless I commit to sex 3–4 times a week.

I'm so stressed, hurt, and resentful that I have essentially no sex drive.

I feel like we're stuck in a cycle of resentment, pressure, rejection, and fighting.

I take responsibility for my part, but I don't know how much more I can handle.

Is this marriage fixable, or are we just hurting each other at this point?

About a month ago, I made a mistake. I drank too much and was really mean to my husband. Said some pretty nasty things. He hasn’t gotten over it and is getting upset with everything I do. He is claiming I should know his preferences and what he wants and be abiding by them. I shouldn’t be making any mistakes and should be doing everything right to make up for what I did. I tried telling him that although I made a mistake, he should still treat me with respect in our conversations. But no, because those who aren’t respectful (what I did a month ago) don’t deserve respect. I’m at a loss. I feel like little things that wouldn’t have mattered in the past are causing big blow up fights. I understand he is upset and trying to work through it, but how can he expect me to be perfect? He feels as if he has made his stance clear and what he expects and what he likes and dislikes and feels like it’s falling on deaf ears because I’m not hearing him. I’m not respecting his wishes. I just think he’s taking small things that aren’t a big deal and blowing them out of control. I’m not allowed to say he’s not being respectful because what I did wasn’t respectful. I don’t even know how to explain it. But apparently since I made a mistake that he can’t get over, I should be abiding by his rules and not making any mistakes no matter how small.

TLDR: I made a mistake, and every action of mine is under a microscope. I should know his preferences and be on my best behavior with no slip-ups.

My husband (37M) and I (40F) have bee married for 4 years, been together for almost 7 total. We have a daughter who is almost 20 months old and we own a house.

I don't know what to do anymore regarding my marriage.

I currently have absolutely no feelings towards my husband. I feel as if most of the time I am simply tolerating him. I am realizing more and more that I have very little respect for him and there are times where I can't decide if he's dumb, incompetent, or both. I don't trust being vulnerable to him anymore and I am very closed-off from him. I feel very disconnected from him and I am typically in a much better mood whenever he is not around. Most days I dread coming home from work because I know he will be there. I feel very performative when I am home with him. I am not excited to see him. I am, admittedly, very critical of him. I have absolutely no desire to have sex with him and I honestly don't remember the last time we were even intimate and I don't really care.

I am on anti-depressants due to post-partum depression after having my daughter. I was initially on Prozac, and I recently changed to a different med to help with the emotional blunting and lack of libido. Unfortunately, I still have no emotions and still have no libido. I know I care about him, but I am pretty certain I am not in love with him anymore, but again, not certain. I am not happy. I haven't been happy for a long time. When he is upset, I am unphased. In fact, it annoys me and I would rather just leave the room.

I feel like there were red-flags even before we got married (it took me MONTHS to put bridal shower gifts away and write thank you cards because I was so convinced we were not going to actually get married). I really invested a lot of myself into our relationship and really tried my best for so long, but now I feel like I have just been lying to myself all these years that things will get better. I don't want to sit here and list all the things he has done on his behalf to bring me to this point, but I'll just say a lot of it has been a combination of him being emotionally manipulative, having an inability to properly regulate his emotions, and frankly being selfish.

The thing is that, I know this isn't me and I feel like I am my worst self around him. He is the only person I treat this way. I know all of this has been building up over a few years and it is now manifesting as me simply not caring anymore. We have gone through 3 different counselors. I don't know if what I am feeling is because I am honestly done, if this is just from the anti-depressants, a self-preservation tactic, or maybe I am just awful at being married. I do think I may just be meant to be alone. I am a child of divorce, and I don't want my daughter to go through it, but I also am scared of my life being like this forever and her never seeing a happy mom.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever gone through anything like this. I will say, my husband has told me he is still very much in love with me, regardless of all the stuff we have been through. He still wants to makes things work and only recently is actually putting in some effort. I just see the situation as "too little too late". I just feel nothing towards him. Is there any coming back from this? Is there any hope? Or has too much damage been done to fully recover? I want to make things better, I want to be friends with him again, but this apathy I have towards the whole relationship makes it incredibly difficult to put in any effort or care at all.

TL;DR - I'm apathetic towards my husband and my marriage. Don't know if it's time to officially end things or if there is some hope of recovery. I know this can't be normal but have no idea what to do.

I [35M], have been married to my partner [34F], for 5 years. We have a toddler and for the past 2 years we haven't had any physical intimacy or sex (for clarification, i also include penetrative sex, or heavy petting/kissing etc. The most intimacy we tend to have is cuddling on the sofa from time to time).

I have tried to initiate intimacy with my partner a lot, both indirectly through suggestive touching, to directly trying to schedule sex as per her requests. Every time, these attempts end in rejections - she's either not in the mood, or its too hot, or she's in the luteal phase, or just about to come on her period (where she's not in the mood at all). We've had talks about the dead bedroom a lot, and the most recent conversation happened at the beginning of this year, when she told me very directly that her attraction and desire was waning due to a variety of factors that were partly to do with her feeling she was taking on more of the mental load than me, and that my own behaviours (particularly relating to lack of ambition, planning and executing in my personal life, partly a result of losing quite a big contract in TV production in 2024) had made her feel less attracted to me. She still loved and cared about me, but the physical desire just wasn't there. Since then, I've really stepped up to take on the vast majority of the mental load, implementing systems at home to keep everything running and functional, meals cooked, laundry done etc. She regularly goes out with friends, to yoga, and gets at least an hour and a half a night to pursue her own solo time.

This question isn't about whether she ought to have sex with me or not – that's her choice. But while there is still no intimacy, i do need to figure out how to meet my own sexual needs. I have no desire to transgress out of the marriage, and while I used to masturbate with my own imagination, the truth is that I've actually forgotten a lot of the hot times I had with my wife at the beginning of our relationship. As a result, I have resorted to watching porn, several times a week. My rationale is that I can jerk off within 5 minutes, get rid of the sexualised energy that's been building, and then get on with the rest of the day without feeling resentment or anger.

I usually do this when everyone's asleep. The other day, ,my wife couldn't go to sleep, and she stayed in bed. When i came out of the bathroom, she asked if i was okay because "I spent quite a long time in the bathroom". I said I was fine, and that i didn't really notice the time, but perhaps it seemed long because I was tired and slow. She responded by saying "well, I hope you weren't watching porn in there!". We talked a bit more (and while I didn't deny it, I didn't exactly say I was either), and she mentioned it because a friend of hers is dealing with marital issues after catching her husband watching porn and discovering that he has something of a "porn addiction". I don't know what their marriage is like, but it did imply that my wife wouldn't want me watching porn and would probably be quite upset if she found out I was.

Here's the issue – I feel horrible about keeping this from her, and I also feel awful that I've resorted to this despite, imo, my best efforts to try to rekindle something of a sex life for us, after all this time (There are couples who divorce because of sexless marriages for far less time, and recently, a film called "The Invite" focuses on a couple who haven't had sex in a year, and this is presented as a huge red flag). This isn't a case of preferring porn stars to her, or desiring other kinds of women or younger women etc. The porn i watch is pretty mild and milquetoast, and I think i'm far more attracted to the idea of someone wanting to have sex, than the sex itself. But I also don't want to keep trying to convince my wife to have sex, only to feel bad about potentially being coercive, or the continued humiliation of rejection. Watching porn also gives me some sense of control over my own internal sex life, and the absence of it, to me, means that ultimately my wife gets to decide when and how it is expressed and engaged with, which I know will end up leading to more resentment.

I'd like some thoughts and advice from people who have been in similar situations, about how they would navigate this. Is it the case that I'm still making amends for not taking enough of the mental load, and that I just need to suck it up and wait it out? Is porn watching somewhat more permissable in this instance? Or does it still classify as cheating, regardless? And also, what are the alternatives? (I have thought about using my imagination some more, but when I've tried i've ended up imagining other scenarios that either involve people I used to date, or people from my past who i've found attractive, and this somehow feels worse than watching two professional porn actors who I have no real attachment to).

tl;dr : Have not had sex in two years, despite trying to initiate and be suggestive. Have been using porn to manage my sexual urges and energy, but wife has suggested that she would be against this if she knew. Would like some advice on how to manage sexual urges without using porn or fantasising about other people.

I (27f) am newly married as of February. My husband (23m) is from a different country in Asia, here for college. We got married in Canada. Last year in September, I found out I was pregnant. This was unplanned, and I was terrified. My first reaction was to get an abortion, but I was terrified of regretting that. I’d always wanted to be a mom, and I knew my husband (then bf at the time) would be there for me. He had always wanted kids too. So I made the most difficult decision of my life and kept the pregnancy. We now have a three month old.

I went through my husband’s phone yesterday. I discovered that he had an onlyfans account, but I don’t know if he spent money on anybody. All I know is that he was trying to reset his password on there.
I also discovered he was messaging escorts. Two months after we got married. Also when I was around eight months pregnant. He had an account on this website called Locanto where escorts had ads up. He also had an account on their dating website. I don’t think he met up with anyone, but there’s a chance I’m wrong.

But the worst thing I saw on his phone was what he was doing with Grok. I did see that he asked grok “what 18+ website can let me talk with or text with woman” but besides that, he took a screenshot of this girl in a bikini that he knew in high school and sent it to Grok and said “I want to see boobs” and “I want to see her nude with boobs and nipple” I wanted to kill myself. I knew he had watched porn (which he already knew I didn’t like) but I didn’t think I’d ever see anything that awful. This was in January, when we were engaged.

I don’t think I can stay married knowing he did this to me. I’ve lost all respect for him. I’m not in love. I’ll never see him the same. We are going back to his home country soon so his side of the family can see the baby. But now I’m so depressed. I feel like I ruined my life. I love my daughter, but I feel like maybe I made a stupid decision by keeping her. Our plan was to live where he’s from for a while but if I get a divorce I doubt I can stay there. I feel like if I divorce him then my daughter would have to go between two different continents to see both her parents and that kills me to think about.

Would a divorce even be worth it? Maybe we can move to his home country but be separated? This would be so much simpler if my husband was Canadian. I mean he did come here to get his premium residency, but I also feel bad for his family back home knowing that if I get a divorce my daughter would be staying in Canada (I think) and we could visit his home country, sure. But it just seems awful for them. My husband’s parents would be devastated.

I really wanted to live in my husband’s home country, all of us together, my daughter learning the culture and language. I want a divorce but feel like if I did, my daughter wouldn’t get that experience. If she did, she’d be away from me for I don’t know how long. Or wouldn’t even get the opportunity to live there. My husband might have to stay in Canada. I’ve been thinking of the idea of separating but still being legally married so I can be with her in Asia. I have no idea what to do.

Is a divorce worth it?

Tl;dr: my husband tried to make AI porn of his high school friend while I was pregnant and I’m now struggling with the idea of divorce since we are from two different countries

Ok so we live in Spain and both our parents live in US. So this summer her mom stayed with us 2 months, as my job is hybrid I was ok with it. My wife is an online psychotherapist and can work anywhere in the world.
My parents which are very old are coming from 15th oct till 15th January. I love them very much and I come from a loving family but my wife is a very reserved person and told me she wants to go to her mom house for 6 weeks in the US that way she can feel more relaxed and not overwhelmed.

I’m mad about it because I stayed with her mom and my parents could take that as an offense. I know it’s too much time but one of my parents is kinda sick and this months are truly special for me and I told her that but she doesn’t care and has the need to vouch for herself this time.
I don’t know what to do, 6 weeks without my wife is too much time but she is decided to leave for that time and then come back. And is tearing me apart.

Tl;dr: parents are visiting for a long time and wife is leaving some weeks to relax herself and I feel abandoned by her.

I, 24F and my husband, 23M have been together for 3 years.

He started an unpaid internship in his hometown and has been away from me for a month. We were living together for the last year so it has been really hard on both of us.

Since it is an unpaid internship, his boss let's him do whatever he needs to do. Which means he can take days off for any reason, including working a job that pays.

I am going on my first cruise this weekend, it will be 7 days, and I am a bit anxious as I have never been before.

He keeps pushing his date back for when he will be coming back home, first its after August ends, then now its when fall ends so now its late November. I am trying to be supportive but

1. Its been hard to be the only one financially support us and

2. I don't know why the date keeps getting pushed back.

I got upset at him because I am leaving on sunday for the cruise and he refuses to take saturday off because he states he already took it off last week and it will look unprofessional.

He claims he is worried and would like to see me before I leave, yet he refuses to take a day off from his unpaid internship to see me off.

What should I do in this situation?

tl;dr :

My husband does not want to take a day off to see me before I get on my first cruise because he feels it is unprofessional after take 1 day last week off

My wife(45) and I(51) have been together for 15 yrs, married for 10 and have slowly drifted apart over the past 5-6 years since the birth of our second child and have basically turned into roommates. We've tried counseling on two different occasions with no success, and over the past year have occasionally discussed getting a divorce ( she brought up the topic ) at a high level, but I have always been insistent on staying for the kids and trying to make things work and improve our relationship. That never happens though, after a few weeks or sooner of what feels like an amicable partnership we eventually default back to the roommate phase. And this cycle repeats over and over again. We sometimes get along and other times we argue in front of the kids, and the majority of the time the marriage feels dead and loveless and my guess is that our kids can see that, we rarely show affection to each other, rarely spend time together without our 2 kids, rarely make physical contact and rarely say “ I love you “. We also haven't been intimate in 8 years, which is embarrassing to put out there. The main thing that is keeping us together is that neither of us want to see our kids only 50% of the time, and perhaps the fact that we don’t hate each other, we just manage to get along more than we don’t. So is the writing on the wall, just a matter of time until we split? Should we keep going like this, fake it until you make it until it gets better? Are we wasting our time and the rest of our lives and damaging our kids? Any advice is appreciated.

tl;dr My wife and I have drifted apart and are stuck in an endless cycle of get long/ don't get along.

NEED ADVICE

TLDR: My boss has planned a full paid corporate retrat (more like a vacation for the whole team) to Spain scheduled for the first days of december 2026. He paid plane tickets and hotel reservatios whithout notice and gave us the news as a "surprise" in the office aniversary.

I have NOT told my wife because Im afraird of her past reaction, last year when the corporate retreat was in Whistler.

Last year she got pretty upset, possesive and mad at me for that years corporate retreat and im afraid this one will upset her more.

For context, as a marriage (2 years married) we have traveled quite often (scotland, england, netherlands and we are travelling in late december of this year to Canada) so I dont why she gets all worked up and upset about these forced corporate retreats. Its no like we (as a cuople) dont get to travel or expierence similar things together

I dont Know what to do, need advice. I will very much aprecciate your insight in the situation.

Sorry about any misspelling, English aint my first language.

I (22 F) have been married to my husband (23 M) for almost a year but we’ve been together for well over 6 years. We have two children who we love dearly. Our marriage has been overall going pretty well. Before getting married people would always tell me things like “ring goes on, mask comes off” but I never truly understood that until now.
We both have a pretty good sense of humor and share lots of inside jokes. For example, sometimes he’ll have a humorously large (in length) poo and he’ll leave it in the toilet to “impress” me I guess? I’m not sure, I’ve never really understood it but he finds it hilarious. He did it a few times and I laughed. Then I told him to stop because it wasn’t funny anymore and told him it’s childish.
Well unfortunately it didn’t stop here. Now he consistently forgets to flush his massive poops down the toilet. Ive gotten onto him numerous times about this yet somehow he still manages to “forget”. It’s absolutely disgusting and this has done a number on our toilet. Sometimes I don’t get to it in time and it sits for hours or sometimes up to a day. We usually use opposite bathrooms as one is closer to the living room and more convenient.
Well, my question is how can i get the point across to him to get him to stop doing this? This has honestly almost become a dealbreaker for me.
tl;dr: husband won’t flush his massive poops down the toilet after asking multiple times.

I (43F) am unmarried but I live with my young (4 yo) son's father, so counting this as marriage advice. He's a nice-ish, normal and loyal person but basically the opposite of me in every other way. This manifests constantly in every facet of our life, big and small.

Small: I don't want clutter and save money for experiences; he loves to shop. I want to eat healthy at home, he likes to have tons of snack around. I prefer to read, he prefers TV. I like to plan out my weekends and trips, he likes to go with the flow.

Big: I am adventurous and thrill seeking, he is very cautious. I am outgoing, he spends no time with his friends and often only interacts with coworkers online. I am ambitious and made unhappy by it (but I chose ambition anyways), he is more Zen. I love living in the city, whereas he dreams of a suburban life. I like to banter, but he never seems to get it, and I have the same problem with his humor. I want to constantly try new things; he likes what he likes. He is smart but because he isn't interested in novelty, he's not the guy who is reading about the newest things and suggesting something interesting to do or talk about or plan. I am a people pleaser; he's not, and sometimes little oblivious to how people receive things he says. I find him to be fairly judgmental, and I think he probably sees me as too laissez faire and sometimes superficial/materialistic.

How did this happen? We got together too quickly, during the pandemic when it was harder to evaluate some of these things (outgoing, adventurous, social, curiosity). I had recently exited a relationship with a liar and put a high premium on his character. To the extent we had a honeymoon phase, it was during this window. After I was pregnant, I found out he hadn't been fully transparent with me about his finances (so maybe not a sterling character), and when we were in the baby phase, we had the typical issues of mental load/imbalance around the house. When the world opened up, I discovered he doesn't really expect to plan dates after having kids, and that was an ongoing issue. I started to see him as immature in some ways and somewhat avoidant. But overall, I view this state of affairs as mostly my fault for rushing into things, and I am certainly very immature too.

Have we discussed it? Yes. Dead bedroom started a year ago after I got sick of the constant conflicts. He's worked on all the baby era things, improved communication and cut back on arguing, and he really wants to stay together as a family. I respect him so much for that and for the work he put into improving our relationship. But I am not in love with him. I used to resent him, but now that he's addressed most of the underlying issues there, I find that there's a less solvable problem: he's just not someone I want to hang out with that much. I have been direct about this, but he still does not want to split.

I've never had luck in the romance department. I'd about be the same amount of happy/unhappy alone, even if it means sharing custody. I simply see us as not very compatible and I have a hard time being nice every day to someone I don't really want to see every day. I can live with the fact that maybe I made a mistake starting this family the way I did. But for my son and for my partner, I am willing to give this another year of effort.

Does anyone have recommendations or insight for this situation? Will HRT really help? Can therapy help me appreciate a partner more? Any perspective that I could work on developing? I am having trouble seeing how we can come together when we seem to legitimately but fundamentally differ on so many things. We parent well together, but I find including him or being around him a little stifling when I want to enjoy myself. How does that work?

tl;dr: I am in a relationship with a good person who feels like my opposite, and it's not enjoyable. Can I fix it? How?

I am 37M and My wife is 28F, I have been married for a while now and I need outside perspective because I am honestly exhausted and starting to doubt my own read of things.

My wife is very inquisitive about my phone. She tries to peek at my screen to see who I am talking to or whose WhatsApp message just came in. I have confronted her about this many times and she usually laughs it off and says she is joking or doing it for fun. But it keeps happening, and even her jokes are constantly about my phone and my privacy, so it does not feel like a joke anymore.

A recent example. I had a phone call with my sister where we talked about some family things, nothing to do with my wife at all. She was completely fine before that call. The moment I hung up, she started what she calls not an argument, but she brought up things from a conversation she was not even part of. She told me not to gossip and then asked why I put up a certain WhatsApp status, saying she was worried about what people would think of her.

I do not understand why she needs to know or control what I talk about with my own sister on a private call.

On the other side, I never touch her phone. I barely notice when she is on a call in front of me and I have never once gone back to ask her what she said to someone or who she was talking to, because honestly I do not feel the need to. I trust her with that.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells in my own home. Talking to someone on the phone feels like I am committing a crime. I have started avoiding talking to friends when she is around, and then I get accused of hiding things from her, which makes no sense because the avoidance only started because of how she reacts.

This is not the first incident, there have been so many that I honestly cannot count them anymore. Every occasion, every event, somehow turns into an argument or a fight. At one point she was sent to a therapist and she stopped going by lying about it. We even had a written agreement between us about some of these behaviors and she did not stick to it either.

The pattern is usually the same. She makes a big deal out of something small, drags it out until I am worn down, and eventually I snap. The second that happens, she becomes the one who was hurt and I become the bad guy, even though I was reacting to something that had been building for a while.

Last night she told me to end the relationship if I do not like her, and to tell her clearly if I want to leave.

I have tried to be patient and caring through all of this, but I am tired. I do not know anymore if I am the problem or if this is just how things are going to keep going. Any honest perspective is welcome, including if I am missing something on my end.

tl;dr My wife constantly checks who I am texting or calling and tries to peek at my phone screen. When I bring it up she laughs it off as a joke, but it keeps happening. Recently I had a private phone call with my sister about family matters, nothing to do with my wife, and the moment I hung up she confronted me about it, telling me not to gossip and asking about a WhatsApp status I had posted. Meanwhile I never check her phone or ask her about her calls. I have started avoiding talking to friends around her, which then gets used against me as proof I am hiding something. This has happened many times before. She once went to therapy and stopped by lying about it, and we even had a written agreement about these behaviors that she did not keep. Last night she told me to end things if I do not like her. I do not know if I am the problem anymore.

I (33F) have been married to my husband (31.5M) for six years. We had a love marriage after dating for a year. I married him because his family seemed non-toxic, he had a great sense of humour, and we had fantastic physical compatibility initially. He didn’t own a house and earned half of my salary, but we agreed we would eventually buy a home together. However, since the wedding, I am the only one who ever brings it up.

In the beginning, everything was good. We had great family time and a healthy sex life. But six months in, my father-in-law passed away, and everything changed drastically.

Because he is the eldest child, my husband took on the pressure of managing everything. Whenever we planned an outing, all four of us had to go (me, my husband, my mother-in-law, and my brother-in-law). No one in his family ever suggested that we spend time alone as a couple. For our first anniversary, I planned a trip to the Maldives with another couple who shared our anniversary date. We tried to get close one night, but we couldn't achieve penetration.

When we returned, things looked normal on the outside, but I was hurting deeply. I started seeing a psychologist. When I brought up our lack of intimacy, the therapist noted that I seemed fine, but that my husband likely needed counselling because grief had wiped out his sexual appetite. I tried discussing this with my husband, but I was met with resistance. Craving connection, I planned a trip to Goa just for the two of us. Right before, he asked, "Are you sure you don't want my mother to join us?" It broke my heart. I was trying to save our marriage, and he wasn't. 

In Goa, I checked his phone one night and found out he was deeply emotionally involved with a female colleague. I broke down at 3 AM. We had a heated argument, and the rest of the trip was ruined. After we got back, I pushed him to see a doctor for his physical issues, but nothing happened. I started keeping myself busy with multiple activities to distract myself from the loneliness while working from home.

When my mother-in-law eventually asked when we were planning a baby, I used that moment to confess that we didn't share a physical relationship. The discussion wasn't fruitful. My husband occasionally took some Ayurvedic medicines, but nothing worked. We only had sex once every six months, and only when I initiated. Eventually, I stopped initiating and stopped bringing it up entirely. It made me feel like I was the only one begging for sex. I also tried telling my mother, but she reacted as if the conversation never even happened. I started speaking less to my mother-in-law because I realized no one was going to help me. 

Later, my husband left his job to start a business, but his uncle—who was his business partner—passed away. During that difficult phase, I forced him to go to a doctor's appointment I booked. All his medical tests came back perfectly normal. The doctor confirmed it was entirely mental trauma. I desperately wanted my husband to share his sorrows with me, but we only ever have surface-level conversations. Whenever I try to dig deeper, it turns into a massive fight. I suggested couples therapy, but he refuses. 

To cope, I buried myself in my work when I transitioned back to the office and started keeping myself really very busy. But sometimes, I feel like I am back to square zero. I am completely heartbroken and lost.

• Financially: I am completely independent.
• Emotionally: I am drained
• Mentally: I am entirely done and exhausted.
• Physically: I am utterly deprived.

I am still attached to my husband, and so are my parents. No one in my circle will understand because to the outside world, he is a fun-loving, wonderful guy everyone loves and I love him too. But I cannot live like a roommate forever.

How do I navigate this? Has anyone else survived a dead marriage where the partner is a good person but completely emotionally and physically absent?

TL;DR:
Married 6 years. After my father-in-law passed away early in the marriage, my husband completely lost his sexual appetite and shut down emotionally. He refuses couples therapy, medical tests show he is physically fine, and we live like roommates. I am physically deprived, mentally exhausted, and financially independent but absolutely terrified of getting a divorce.

NSFW/18+

On a throwaway account for this post.

I (28F) am at my wits end with my husband (28M). For some background information, we have been married for 5 years and together for 8. We have a child (3F) as well.

Over the years we've had intimacy issues (we didnt have sex often, and when we did it was quick and never focused on me being satisfied). I have tried to be understanding. I thought that maybe he had low testosterone, or was stressed from work, or he was depressed, or he just...didn't find me attractive anymore. Recently, I thought that he was having an affair. Around New Years, I confronted him about it and he confessed that he had a porn addiction, which is why he was rarely interested in me (and when he was, he never lasted long). He also informed me that he's been talking to his parents about all of this as well so...thats great.

We ignored it for a few months but clearly things have been tense. He was gone for 3-4 months due to work, and since he returned last month I want absolutely nothing to do with him. He's been sleeping in the guest bedroom because I don't even want him in our bed.

To his credit, he is making some effort. He stated he has stopped watching porn and masturbating completely since February (so much so that he has been having wet dreams), he's going to therapy, and hes attending weekly meetings for sex addicts. But I still can't find a way to forgive him. It all feels too little too late for me.

It doesn't help that we've been having "check ins" where he wants me to basically interrogate him. Hes told me his porn interests he's had (furry porn, pregnant women porn, cucking porn, anal porn-both homo and heterosexual, outdoorsy/public porn...you get the gist). He would often do this at home and even drive somewhere to park his car and jerk off to porn. During these check ins, the most disturbing thing he's admitted to is using my vibrator as his own pleasure toy (yes, for anal usage) without my knowledge SEVERAL times.

He continually encourages the idea that we can stay married and open our relationship so I can find pleasure elsewhere but "he only wants to be with me" (and assumedly continue with his porn addiction). I have no desire to open the relationship; I'm not interested in having a roommate who I am only married to on paper. Over the past few months/years, even our romance has dwindled to almost nothing. I can't even recall the last time he planned a date or did a romantic gesture for me.

To be clear, we have been together for over 8 years. I have no problem with him watching porn, however I do have a problem with him trading intimacy with me for some pixels on a screen.

I don't even want to be in the same room as him anymore. I can feel my anxiety spike any time I hear him.

Part of me feels guilty because I know he's trying, and I know our child will be affected. But I dont see how I can ever trust him to be honest with me again after lying to me for 8+ years. I feel as though he is making great strides in the right direction, however I am completely checked out and fear its too little too late for me. I truly don't know if there is anything he can do to save our marriage that would negate the betrayal over the last several years. I feel so lost and confused about it all, if anyone has any advice or encouraging words I could really use them.

TLDR: My husband has a porn addiction that has been affecting our relationship for over 8 years and lying to me about it. Am I crazy for wanting to divorce him after learning about it? What advice would you give someone trying to decide whether to stay or go?

I (33f) have been with my husband (38m) for 4 years.

Hes absolutely my soul mate. He is like my best friend. We have 2 kids together. Hes an amazing husband and father. But hes vanilla. Im not. I thought over time he would branch out and explore a little, and I could comprise on a lot and we meet in the middle. Ive tried to get him to explore light bondage, he isnt interested. Even hair pulling, he wont do. I feel so sexually frustrated. I have dreams of being with other men and I feel disgusting for it. I dont know what to do because outside of our bedroom life, everything else is more than perfect.

tl;dr- Husband is vanilla, im not. He isnt willing to explore, im sexually frustrated.

By looking at the titles of my previous posts on here, my marriage to my dx wife has not been easy. I have tried to go above an beyond for her an my family, but things don't get any better. After some therapy, getting the right depression meds and a lot of self reflection, I realized that no amount of effort changes anything. It all just stays the same. So I started doing things that make me somewhat happy like setting aside time to workout, play games or working on projects.

For a while, things were ok, but that did not last long. My wife recently said that she's starting to feel depressed again and that she has lost the motivation to do anything like work, or doing her projects. I try to support her whenever she's down or anxious, even though I don't get the same. Sometime later, she says that she hates her job now. This is a job that she was so excited about getting in the beginning, but now she can't stand it. I really didn't know what to say at the time, so I just asked her if she wants to find another job.

It seems like that kind of annoyed her and she just dropped it. After she left for work, I noticed that this has already happened a few times before. She would say that she's depressed, then hates her job, she quits, I pick up the slack by working extra hours, still taking care of things at home, while she does what she wants to do. It feels like I'm stuck in a loop that I can't escape. I have tried to do all I can to make everyone feel happy, loved, supported and comfortable. I'm just tired and don't have it in me to help her with any of this.

I know that I shouldn't feel bad about not being able to help her, but we've been together so long that it's ingrained in me to try and make her happy. I think that I put in so much effort in that department, so i can maybe get the same in return. Which I don't and probably never will, because I don't think she has it in her to love me the same way. I'm just tired and wish I could break this cycle.

Trying to see if there are others in a similar position. If so, how's life going for you and how do you cope with everything?

tl;dr - wife goes through cycles of being depressed, hating her job then wanting to quit.

How many married couples over 40 are in a dead bedroom/sexless marriage? How old are you and how long has it been with them?

I am 52 F and no sex for a year. Before it was 4-6 times a year. 😒🫤
Tl;dr how long has it been

My husband won't go down on me. He says it's "not his thing", but it definitely is my thing so it disappoints me and hurts my feelings. I've never hesitated to go down on him for as long as we have been together, and when I remind him of that he simply asks me less often to do it for him lol. As a woman it's not always easy to "finish" and that's what would 100% do it for me. I'm a pretty sexual person, but the lack of doing what I want and need has me feeling frustrated and not wanting to have sex at all because I feel pathetic having to ask every time we have sex and it never happening. I feel like I've expressed it so much that he should know it's what I want and just do it. It's also hard when I hear other people talk about how their man goes down on them. I just wish he WANTED to.

I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice?

tl;dr husband won't go down on me regardless of me repeatedly asking. Affecting sex life and confidence.