r/marriageadvice

I don't really know how to start this. I've been with my now husband for about 8 years. Married for a year. We have two kids together and we're expecting another. We've had our issues in the past (who doesn't) but there is love there and we love our kids and being a family.

Recently I've had a weird feeling that he's hiding something. And I am not good at hiding that something is bothering me, but communicating with him doesn't always work since he refuses communication (yes, he even says "I dont know how to talk") he wasn't like this before, we used to share everything... but I've had the feeling that something is going on.

Well! turns out that the thing he is hiding is that he likes to shove cucumbers up his anal cavity. And I'm very open minded. But I don't particularly like this idea. More so because he actually does it while he leaves me alone (as in he says "I'm gonna go have a cigarette, I'll be right back to have you afterwards" or something along those lines.) Being a tired mom.... is hard. I've waited for him for at least 30 minutes before I'm knocked out and it turns out he actively waits for me to be asleep to have anal play by himself. I'm hurt by this since he sexually neglects me, to have fun by himself. I feel like if this was something he shared about himself earlier on or even as soon as he discovered it would have been more helpful. But he's literally choosing to be by himself and have fun by himself than to be with me. I'm having so much difficulty dealing with this. So I confronted him about it and at first he said "its your fault because you made me feel like shit" (I was postpartum, and had a difficult cesarean/ recovery afterwards. Its hard to feel sexy but when I did I guess he was already experimenting with himself and not into the idea of doing anything with me) then he said "I'm not gay, its just neutral to me" (which I know, men dont have to be gay to enjoy anal play), the part that I don't like is him hiding it and him preferring to be with himself than to be with me. He never even suggested doing anything to me anally. Matter of fact he acted disgusted about it when we even mentioned it before. I don't know how to move forward and I don't know if I can be with him if he literally would much rather be by himself than with me.

Lying for him is something that has become so common, he hid his addictions from me and now this, among other things sadly, and idk if I can keep trusting him over and over without feeling like I'm just becoming numb to all the lies.

So is this something that we can somehow move past, or is it better to end it so he can keep exploring and figure out what he wants.?

Tl;Dr my husband is into anal play and I don't know how to feel about it

I’m very conflicted and need some outside input. My husband has a “very good friend” (female) who I have major red flags over. I feel it’s an emotional affair, as he spends a lot of time talking, texting, and seeing her. I’ve even noticed a much happier version of him on the days he sees her.

I’ve confronted him about it, and asked to see text messages. He did show me but he was furious. Nothing overly explicit in the texts - just telling each other how wonderful they both are, checking in to make sure the other one is ok or made it home safely, talking about conversations they’ve had where they confide in each other. After I read the texts he shut down, told me he didn’t want to talk about it anymore and went to bed. Hasn’t spoken of it since.

So I reached out to her. We ended up having a face to face conversation. She was overly sweet and definitely denied anything going on. But, she started the conversation by telling me they have a spiritual connection and they’ve always known each other “in past lives or whatever.” Gag. There wasn’t really a resolution to the conversation just lots of denial and we’re “just friends” but we left amicably.

What would you make of this? How would you feel if your spouse was doing this? Nbd or affair that I’m in denial about?

Tl;dr: would it be a red flag for you if another woman told you your husband and her have a spiritual connection?

33M here, married to a 35F for 11 years - one 8 year old daughter.

I’m posting on a throwaway account because I don’t really have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about this.
I honestly feel incredibly lonely. Not because I’m physically alone, but because I feel like I’m living with someone who feels more like a roommate or a stranger than a spouse.

What I miss isn’t just sex. I miss feeling wanted. I miss passion. I miss someone reaching for my hand, hugging me for no reason, kissing me because they wanted to, lying next to each other with skin-to-skin contact, and feeling desired. I miss feeling like I’m someone’s person.

Over the years I’ve tried everything I know how to do. I’ve made a genuine effort to meet my spouse’s emotional and physical needs. I’ve tried being more intentional, helping more around the house, planning dates, communicating better, being patient, giving space when needed, and having honest conversations about how I feel. We’ve had countless discussions about intimacy, loneliness, and our relationship, but nothing ever seems to change for long.
Eventually you stop asking because every conversation feels like another reminder that your needs aren’t going to be met. You start wondering if this is just what marriage is supposed to become.

The hardest part is that I don’t even feel angry anymore. I just feel… resigned. Like this is simply what my life is going to look like at 33, and maybe this is as good as it gets. This sounds extremely pessimistic, but if I were to ever get out of this marriage, I don’t think I’d want to be with anyone else because the crippling fear of this happening again.

So in conclusion… I feel utterly defeated.

TL;DR - lack of relationship, intimacy, and I feel lost.

Is your husband or wife your preference? Recently discovered my husband prefers Asian and white women. After he had a one sided emotional affair with his Asian manager at work. We're in therapy right now but I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I can't help but feel like if they are his preference he doesn't really want me. Our sex life is great. But I will never be a white or Asian woman.

tl;dr husband lusts after white/Asian women but I am not either of those things does that mean he doesn't truly desire me? Has anyone else been in this situation

Me 26F and my wife 27F have been married for almost 2 years. Every once in a while I get these feelings of wanting to end it and be single again to where I don’t owe anything to anyone. I am not sure if those feelings come with depressive episodes or what. 99% of the time I love my wife and am so happy we are married.

I just got back from a vacation to Hawaii with my family while she stayed at home. I got home while she was running errands and as soon as she got home I started having terrible anxiety and felt like I was going to throw up. I hugged and kissed her and didn’t feel anything but anxiety.

I would like to say she is AMAZING to me. She is not controlling or crazy or any of those things you hear about from someone who thinks about leaving their spouse.

As I type this, I think about leaving her and I feel a sense of peace. Why is that?? I don’t know what’s going on.

tl;dr
Is it normal to get anxiety and want to leave your spouse every once in a while?

I'm 52 and I don't think I have the energy to fix a 23 year marriage. Is it worth staying for my 14 year old daughter's well-being or do I take the plunge. Financially, Ill give up half but will still be good.

No longer attracted to my spouse, we don't share the same wants and needs. I have been fighting an urge to meet someone else who I am more compatible with who I can spend the rest of my life with.

Sex is few and far between and always the same. We don't enjoy doing the same things and any dreams I have for our future she brushes off as ridiculous.

Any constructive advice appreciated.

TL;DR: I don't have energy to fix my marriage and don't think we have the same ideas for our future. Need help, is it worth staying or should I start over?

About 2.5 months ago, my (f24) finance (m25) brought up getting a prenup out of nowhere in the middle of a conversation about our dream home and other happy, mushy marriage things. I personally never thought this was on the table for us, and he had never EVER mentioned anything about it thru our whole relationship, and he brought this up 4 months after we had already been engaged. I was extremely caught off guard by this, told him I don’t know how I feel about it because it made me feel like he was having doubts.

At first he was understanding and said we didn’t have to decide today, but now about every month we get into a blow up about it and he’s gone from understanding my POV and reassuring me it’s not doubt to saying “why do you think you’d deserve my money if we divorce” “you don’t know that you won’t change down the line” “we’re more likely to get divorced than to stay together” etc. I have reiterated every single time that I DO NOT CARE about his money, and the reason I’m struggling with this is because of HIS REACTION to my feelings. I was brought up in a household where prenups are frowned upon, and while I never saw myself getting one, I’m not saying I wouldn’t do it if it’s what he really wanted. But every time I bring up how his reaction is hurting me, how he’s not hearing what I’m actually saying, and how I need time to really think about this, he thinks it’s me thinking I’m entitled to his trust fund, or how I don’t want to be with him anymore.

He also refuses to tell me what lawyer friend of his he talked to said that a prenup that JUST has him protected in it would be fair and permissible for me to sign.

Anyway, since we’ve been having these intermittent blow ups, it’s been all ups and downs. Some days it feels like old times and I genuinely think everything will be ok. More days than I’d like to admit it seems like the only time he’s happy and wants to be around me is if we’re having sex. He’s been going out to the bar after work more and not telling me or not texting me that he got home alright, and most recently he told me he was going to help a friend move into his new house who lives multiple states away, but found out “on the car ride down” that “there was an issue with the paperwork so he wasn’t able to move that week” so instead he spent the last 3 days partying and drinking with his friend and all his friend’s friends from where he lives. Meanwhile, he barely texted me and ignored my calls while he was there and said he “passed out” or was “tired” and that’s why he didn’t respond.

In my head I’m thinking the worst, which is he knew all along he was just leaving to go drink and party

Another thing he’s begun recently is having an aversion to my family. We were out one night with my fam and my mom texted both of us asking where we parked. I didn’t have my phone with me so I asked him if he could text her back. He said no and I said “are you serious?” And he said “I’m not texting your mom.” Recently another time, I asked him if he could go get my brother who was just one room away and have him help me with something (I was in the middle of carrying something and couldn’t get him myself) and he scoffed and said “no I’m not bossing your brother around.” Mind you, had this been a year ago he never would have done this. He has changed so much.

What the hell do I do? My heart is so heavy and I am in absolute emotional agony. I just want the man I used to have back, and I’m scared I’ll never get him again, but am also scared that I’m being OVERLY sensitive and jumping ship too soon.

Is there anything I can say that I haven’t already to try to fix this? Because so far everything I’ve said either somehow gets turned around on me and I’m the bad guy for getting upset or he just doesn’t understand what I’m saying or says he’ll work on himself and than does for a week and that’s it. Or is it too late? Like I said, some days it feels like we can fix things and others I want to walk away right there.

TLDR Ever since prenup convo it seems like an emotional roller coaster and that we’re on the rocks and fiancé’s behavior has changed drastically in a negative way. What do I say to him

Hi all, i’m 30F. I’ve always had a very diff idea about marriage, I used to think that i’d get married around 24 and that it’d be easy to find a partner that loves/respects you etc. i never thought about this too much.

However i’ve turned 30 now and i’ve still not been able to find the right match. I have basic filters still i’ve not been able to find the correct partner that would fit into my idea of a perfect partner, the guys that i’ve been talking to are narcissistic, arrogant and want to get married only for the sake of it.

I know so many guys that are great partners, its just that I haven’t been able to find one that would love and respect me and my family as much as I would.

The past 3 years have been terrible because there is so much pressure, and now i’m being forced to get married. The entire arranged marriage set up was quite easy for my friends they immediately found their partners. For me its like i’m not even getting 50% of what I had imagined. My fam is into astrology as well, and all astrologers give the same vague ans, ki its not your fault, your kundli is like that. No matter what you wont be able to find a decent guy before 30 etc.

I finally found someone who meets most of my filters, however the astrologer that we usually consult (he’s accurate most of the times) told us that it’d be a terrible match because the guys navamsh kundli says that his first marriage will end up in a divorce because of his family or a hidden loan. And that his nature will completely chanve after 2 years. I was finally happy but now a seed of doubt has been instilled.

What should I do? Should i believe it or let it go?

Tl;dr - finally found someone who might be a good partner but astrological differences are there (not yog, apparently his navansh kundli has faults and no matter what, his first marriage is not going to last) so should I go ahead and forget about my astrological beliefs because I was finally able to find someone after ages.

I’m a F25 and my husband is 27, he recently went abroad for a work trip and while he was away I asked him if I could read and write on my fanfiction (AO3) site and he said no because it takes up most of my time , I promised him I wouldn’t but I did anyways.

A little background story , since I was a teenager I became obsessed with reading and writing fiction, my main sites are fan-fiction.net and A03.
For those who don’t know , this is where you can read or write your deepest fantasy’s about anything and everything , it’s like a community.
Before I met my husband , nobody knew about my secret , we’ve been together for 7 years and I love so much.
3 years into our relationship he found out about my fiction accounts , I felt ashamed but he reassured me , told me to tell him everything and said that i could read and write with him ,he was so incredible and supporting.

A few months later from that he also realised that I could read for hours and hours with ought stopping, so I began not paying attention to him , I lost my concentration at work and at home , so he sat me down and we spoke about boundaries. We placed allocated times of when I could read and write, for example like when he’s playing his video games - this worked very well for us!

Last year my husband got a huge promotion to work offshore, so we had to move. During that move I had my exams too so I was very busy , I stopped reading and for months and months - honestly I wasn’t even thinking about it because I was with him and excited about our new life.

Until Now. So with his new job he had to fly to another office abroad for months , two months in I asked him if I could start reading and writing FanFiction again , he said No because it becomes an obsession for me - meaning less time together on the phone or messaging him. He also made me promise I wouldn’t do it until he gets back.

Well , that promise didn’t last long. I began reading and writing for weeks , we literally argued heavily for hours every weekend about different things - to a point that he even threatened divorce. I was upset and kept apologising and we would make up but I kept my reading a secret from him.
He would wonder every time I ignored him what I was doing or when we had an argument , he’d need space I would read and write for hours and hours. Of course I didn’t tell him the truth!!

Anyways we had another argument this week and he needed space again “to think on how he can improve our marriage” as he puts it! . I was writing and even asking people to tell me their deepest fantasy’s so I could write for them , to me this was a release mechanism of my depression and stress from these arguments! Anyways when he came back to make up again he realised I wasn’t even upset this time , honestly I was just over it. But we both apologised to each other but then during the FaceTime call he saw my screen in screen share - and there it was! My FanFictions.

He became angry and felt betrayed , he asked I show him my fanfic TikTok account , I tried to delete quickly and hide it but he found it and saw the comments that I was making - be even became upset that I offered another guy to write his fantasy which was 12 chapters. The worst part he managed to correlate our arguments times with the comments I was making on tiktok about my books!
He lost it! He was claiming that he was upset and crying when we took breaks (I don’t believe that) while I was “writing and asking for other people’s fantasy’s”.

I explained to him that wasn’t the case , this was an escape mechanism and I was sorry for breaking his promise but I added I needed an escape and it was a mistake!

He began crying again, talking about how I have tarnished our marriage through lack of trust , I told him it was only a joke and a mistake.
He threatened divorce and I think he’s over reacting here, it was a mistake , I was sorry nothing more.

Going through my TikTok he also saw some comments I made to another guy during our arguments only saying that “his voice is lovely”, I mean this guy was a singer ?? Yet he became angry about that too.

He claimed that the reason we had these repetitive arguments was because I was not focusing my energy on fixing our marriage and arguments yet on FanFiction and that I never would’ve told him about my reading and writing, i would’ve told him - eventually.

Anyways , I deleted all my accounts, I’m very apologetic and all my works are deleted. I truly love this man but now he believes that I don’t love him and all my sorrys where fake in the past - all the tears during our arguments where all fake too because I was able to keep a secret from him in our vulnerable times.

tl;dr I don’t know what to do but I don’t want to divorce him at all , I love him so much , he’s become distant from me and I think he’s over reacting! I have so many fans on there but I got rid of that for him - I’d do anything for him, I regret breaking our promise!

I don't know what to do

I'll try and keep this short. My husband (M24) and I (F27) have been together for 10 years. He's always had a temper, but it's always been doable. (I'd like to express I have never been physically harmed). The last year or so, it's gotten worse. He can lash out for no reason, often even when I'm not around, so it has nothing to do with me directly. We rarely ever fight. He doesn't yell at me or anything, but starts throwing stuff until it breaks. Mostly it is my stuff. He never cleans it up either, occasionally I come home and find the mess and have to clean up. I lost track, but I probably already spent hundreds replacing stuff he broke out of my own pocket. My dog gets scared, starts howling and cowering away or behind me if I am around when this happens. Talking to him or confronting him when he gets like this makes things worse. When he gets like this, I often get insulted by him. He calls me things like a useless whore, a bitch, a cunt,... The issue is, I can't leave. Due to my business going bankrupt three years ago, I don't have the financials to find a place for myself and get out. I also don't have my driver's license yet so it would be difficult as is (I do have my learner's permit, but we share one car so I can't just take it and leave). I do have another job now, but it does not pay even half of what my husband earns, yet all our bills are split 50/50, meaning I barely have any savings and live from paycheck to paycheck while he has a lot of savings. He often holds this over my head. I love him, I really do, so I am not even 100% sure I want to leave. But I also know this is not going to get better. He's starting to genuinely scare me, and I'm getting worried about my wellbeing. Does anyone have experience with this, or solid advice on what to do? I can't involve my family, considering they live kind of far away, and if I'd go stay with them, I can't make it to work anymore. I'd rather not involve his family either, because i know that will get back to him and make matters even worse. I'm lost and I don't know what to do.

TL;DR: My husband has frequent angry outbursts where he breaks things, insults me, and scares both me and my dog. I can't easily leave because of finances and I'm looking for advice on how to safely handle this situation.

I know it sounds awful, but aside from this he's my best friend. He's so kind and considerate outside of the bedroom but for the last 2 years hes been a bit cruel...

I constantly feel like I'm saying no and he just does it anyway... I feel like I shouldn't have to explain myself further when I say no, i struggle with conflict and boundaries. I feel so bad for always saying no to him, and feel like its not fair to him and this is why he does it.

Anyone else who has been in this situation, we're you able to change it? If so, how? I dont want to leave him but I cant keep doing this...

Tl;dr: my husband wont stop having sex with me even when I say no. How can I fix this?

Let me start out by saying, we still live together, and she says she has not told any of her friends. However, she doesn't wear her ring to work, and swears she's not having an affair with a coworker. That said, I can't make that make sense. If you haven't told any of your friends that you asked your spouse for a divorce, why did you stop wearing the ring at work? For the record, most of her co-workers know me, because I used to work there.

My wife is also a person that does not like to invite judgment based on appearance.

Now, to get to the bulk, I'm not going to lie, I spent a pretty big portion of our marriage being kind of awful. I'm insecure, a bit autistic, paranoid, and every single woman I've ever been with in my entire life has cheated. I am, at best, a very hard person to be with. However, I love my wife more than life itself. I honestly don't know where I end and she begins, and that's the way I like it.

One of my biggest problems in this relationship has always been the huge gulf between how deeply I feel for her, and my ability to convey it outwardly in ways that matter.

I have never been physically violent, I have never hit her, I have never cheated on her, let me just put that right out there. There is not a woman alive that could make me cheat on her, my devotion to her is such that if we ended up divorced, that would be it for me, I would just be single forever.

I have been trying to correct every single complaint she has ever had about me, and I think I have been frankly doing really well over the last month. She doesn't acknowledge any of it, she doesn't speak to me, when I try to talk to her she tells me to leave her alone.

I am somewhat cut adrift, because again, she won't talk to me.

Our relationship has survived a lot of things that would have destroyed other ones, and I am really deeply struggling with the thought that we should have survived all of that only to die here.

I don't want out, I want to save this with every fiber of my being. She just gives me so little that I don't even know if it's worth trying.

I sent her a fairly thorough email, because she ignores my texts, covering pretty much everything that needed to be said, and received nothing in return.

I don't even know if all of my efforts are falling on deaf ears, or if she is actually seeing my sincerity.

This is literally a woman I have talked to at length, every single day, for the last quarter of a century, and now I have spent 3 weeks barely talking to her at all. Just completely adrift.

I have offered counseling, therapy, you name it.

I am so without information that I don't even know if she checked out because she's having an affair and lying to me about it.

tl;dr wife took off ring after 16 years, I want to save marriage, she might not and might be having an affair, I don't want to give up, should I?

My husband says I can’t complain that he doesn’t initiate dates or time together because I’m “not available.”

I’m trying to figure out if I’m looking at this the wrong way.

I have one recurring commitment each month that takes about three hours (including commuting) and I currently attend a one-hour exercise class on Monday and Thursday evenings.

Years ago, I also attended a one-hour ballet class on Wednesdays.

He often pointed to those commitments as proof that I wasn’t available. Because I wanted to prioritize our marriage, I quit ballet. Before that, I also quit coaching volleyball for the same reason.

Here’s what confuses me:
After I gave up ballet and coaching volleyball, we didn’t spend more time together. We didn’t go on more dates or create new routines. The extra time I made available wasn’t used.
Now we’re having the same argument again.

This weekend I already have plans for one part of the day. Instead of suggesting another time when I’m free, he wants to get together during the one time I’m already committed. If I can’t, it’s another example of me being “unavailable.”

From my perspective, my availability seems to be judged by the few times I already have plans instead of the many times I’m free.

So I’m genuinely asking:
Am I missing something?
If someone’s goal is to spend more time with their spouse, wouldn’t they usually look for times their spouse is actually available?
Has anyone experienced this dynamic? What was really going on?
I’m looking for honest feedback, even if it challenges my perspective. Tl;dr

Availability

Advice needed: Need advice on lies in a marriage.

TLDR: He’s making it seem like it’s all no big deal and I’m the crazy person. Are these omissions acceptable to others? Edit to say he’s making this all about the fact that I violated his boundaries by reading his text messages and looking at this phone.

Summary:
I’d like to preface this whole conversation with the fact that my husband is a great guy and is always trying to help people. When we are good, which is a good chunk of the time we are great. We’ve been together 15 years, married for 10 next week. He’s 39 and I’m 37, I was further along in school and career in our younger years because he took some time to figure himself out, party, do the enjoy life thing. But now, we are decently similar career wise. I maybe make 2x what he does, but everything has always gone into one account and there’s no issues with that or anything. I travel a couple times a month for my job and work out consistently, he travels occasionally but we are both in a demanding field and work a lot. My husband has had adhd his whole life, depression, and his dad had bipolar/other things and while my husband has never been diagnosed, I can see some episodes of mania. We have a beautiful young daughter who is likely on the spectrum so she has been a bit challenging. I know I’ve made chooses in the past he is unhappy with like having my mom in the surgery room for my c section instead of him bc pandemic only allowed for 1 in the room and he wasn’t particularly supportive during our pregnancy so mom was with me until the birth happened and she knew I wasn’t going to die, and then swapped with my husband.

So recently, he’s been having a lot of verbal outbursts, getting angry at everything. Again, work is stressful and he is older than some folks at his level because he was a little delayed in starting his career and I think it kills his ego with our wage gap even though he’s never come out and said it. I’ve become a bit untrusting towards him and started snooping. Between the snooping and him telling me things, I’ve found out that he has had guns in the home for 7 years without telling me, he has been on adderall and downloads apps and deletes them so I don’t find out when he’s getting his prescription and most recently, he’s decided to co-sign for our nieces student loans without telling me. Other weird things I’ve found out he’s been lying about. He has pushed his father not living with us as my fault - his father requires round the clock nurse and medical care and is no longer mobile. He struggles to even help me with our daughter before work and I do most of the back and forth to school and bedtime etc because he struggles with multitasking. He also gets upset that I work out in the AM because he dosent want to have to wake up and be alert for our child, telling me I should just work out at home. With him, things seem to be a moving goalpost and things are always my fault. Our daughters issues etc are my fault for not doing enough.

When I confronted him on the loans and not consulting me(seems everyone in his family knew, and he didn’t bother to disclose to me though everything in our finances is combined), I said that it’s kool if he wants to do that but I should have the agency to financially separate accounts etc and hedge my risks, he flipped out as he has been, threw a drink at me and lots of mean words. He apologizes the next day for the yelling and admits the adderall use etc. says he’s going to change but when I don’t immediately give in he continues to flip out and of course shows that he never intended to do the work on fixing himself that he claimed he would.

For the record - I would have been more than happy to help our neice but in the right way - ie, have her take the loans out and then we help her pay when she graduates. The issue isn’t the money, it’s the lack of bringing your partner into the discussion. Even if we didnt agree and he ultimately chose to do it, I’d feel better knowing he told me. He thinks that we have different “value systems” and I’m selfish even though I’ve been an active financial and time participant in all our neices and nephews lives. I do think he tries to play the hero complex thing esp when things aren’t going well in other aspects of his life.

I don’t want to make this seem one sided. I am 100% an intense person, im a stubborn only child, and can be rigid at times and so in no way am i saying this is all a him thing. I am probably not as outwardly generous as he is willing to just sign on things without thinking through the implications and I also am probably a lot more direct and headstrong than him so again I know this is not all on him.

But, im just not sure that anything going on is okay and need some help on how others would see this situation because many of my friends aren’t married.

My husband and I have been having ongoing issues for a while now and divorce is something I have thought about a few times. It seems that we have been in a constant cycle where we reach a boiling point and I we both express concerns, and then for a little bit everything seems to be going in the right direction. However, after a short period, it will go right back to the way that it was. We also have a child together, which always makes things harder.

I am a coach and often look at marriage the same way as a sports team; you need to help each other and take help, give feedback and take feedback, and anticipate each other's needs. Do what you can to help set each person up for success and be each other's biggest fan.

I don't feel like we have that and one of the issues I have in our marriage is his lack of follow-through or willingness to be part of a team with me. I could give so many examples of this, but recently the simplest thing happened and it didn't make me mad it just felt like it finally clicked that this won't ever change and we have a very different view of marriage and life at our core.

I have a gym shirt that is very annoying to fold, it's awkward and has two layers that get tangled and just dumb when it comes out of the wash. I know this, we both know it and we have joked about it. The other day he was folding clothes and he made a comment about the shirt again and how annoying it was while he was trying to untangle it. I laughed and agreed. I then reached for the shirt and offered to take care of it. It's my shirt, I'll deal with it. He said not to worry and he would figure it out, "I got you".

A day or so later I went to grab clothes for the gym and grabbed that shirt, I realized he had never actually solved it. He had clearly given up and just put it in the drawer still tangled. And it just seemed to click, I can offer help, I can be there to support him, but none of that matters. He is more willing to just give up than be part of a team with me. And also, if he is so willing to not solve such a simple problem, why would I want to be with someone who quits so easy?

TL;DR : Is my husband lying about folding a shirt really a last straw in a marriage? Or am I seeing more in a simple mistake than is actually there?

I genuinely feel like I’m the problem because I’m the one on my second marriage. I’m the one who has been cheated on emotionally before but even trying to make clear boundaries I still feel like it’s unreasonable.
I’m not saying I’m an angel, far from it but I also feel like I’ve put up with it a lot in my previous marriage and k really felt I communicated the best I could of how that impacted me (secrecy, hidden meetings/messages/calls. Locked devices. Lies. Sitting in the loo for hours on the phone) but then on our honeymoon to literally caught him red handing giggling and chatting to an ex (who year prior to us) I said very straight how he knew about my ex, he knew how I felt and that I had a clear expectation and it wasn’t even not to do it (whimp!) but to not hide it!
Fast forward and the phone lock changes (blames his kids using his phone) I believe it.
Then he shares that he sent flirty messages to his friend at work and regrets it.
He won’t do it again
We move on and I trust him but deep down I’m just scared to even look or ask. His phone is always on ‘personal’ always locked and honestly - I wouldn’t even know if it’s his old lock code cus I’m scared to know or to see what it wasif it was the old one
Last week I was made aware of another muted conversation with another woman.
I didn’t even fight it.
I didn’t ask a lot
I waited for him to turn it on my ‘mistrust’ and left it

I’m trying to enjoy the good bits
I’m trying to see the positives
I’m trying to recognise that so much of this is his low self esteem and control issues

And most days I take the good and I believe everything I tell myself

The rest of the time I just know the fact he’s done nothing physical means he can repeatedly say ‘I’ve done nothing wrong’

Yet, to me, physical would draw a line. The emotional toll is killing me. Cus I still believe in him and us. But I just think I deserve more, I’m just scared to lose our good bits - but then I keep thinking he doesn’t care.

I want to raise it. That it was a clear boundary 3 years ago when I caught him and Kate messaging. But I’m too scared he’ll blame me. Or not talk to me for months. Or say he hid it cus of how I’d behave.

But I didn’t even look. A glitch on his tech made it glaringly obvious and now I just have to wait to be replaced. Just like I was in my last marriage.

Fucking great. Am I over reacting ?? Or am I just too scared of asking for the truth.

I just need advice on whether this just his control / insecurities or something to do with me or our marriage !?

tl;dr - husband was once head her heels & now I’ve caught him twice talking to other women (once literally say him, once saw a muted convo) and he also got caught at work messaging inappropriately and told me about it. Why does he do that?

I’m at a breaking point.

tl;dr

I’m in marriage counseling with my husband. We we have been together for 3 years. Got married in 2025. 9 months into our marriage
I am noticing a very negative change in his mood personality and mindset.
He is also thinking and finding the negative in what seems like everything.. when I ask him to try to think of positive things to say he responds with “that’s hard” i don’t think like that.

He has a time line in his mind and that’s how things have to be if that’s what was said to him.
There is no wiggle room for change or “ flexibility”
He becomes the biggest jack ass.

I married him knowing he was not a outgoing person. I married him knowing he was more of a home body.
I myself am beginning to be more of a home body. But still enjoy the small moments of family hang outs.

I married him knowing that he was high functioning and that his social cue were non existent.

I married him knowing that I would love him and be the person he needed. Be the person who would open up that small light he had shinning.

But recently.. he has been the last person I want to be around.
I want my husband to be present and silly goofy and kind. Not a man with such negative energy..

I want my husband present, but him being present results in him acting/ behaving like a jerk.
Doesn’t talk to anyone — his excuse they didn’t talk to me. Why do I have to be the person to say hi first..

I feel like I’m either lonely and avoided or my husband is present but makes everything miserable
makes me feel I just need to go home and miss out. Becuase it’s embarrassing to have a husband next to you who thinks and feels like it’s not worth his time

I need advice on what to do.. he refuses to do individual counseling. He refuses to consult a doctors on anxiety meds or ocd therapy he refused to be diagnosed with ASD because of the stigma. And has no desire to change because changing would be losing the parts that’s he likes about him self. The only reason why he is doing marriage therapy is because I am there with him.

Do I give an ultimatium… do I just suck it up because I said for better or for worse do I leave and stay with my mom until he gets his metal health cared for..
his mental heath and illness and very hard to love.
But I chose to love him.. I love him and know he has let this negative mind set take over for far too long

If you’ve ready my posts in the past, you know my husband int very fond of 2 of my daughters that I had from a previous relationship and that as of last year they went to go live with their biodad who isnt really a good father or person honestly. This wasn’t their choice. This was a decision my husband made and I went along with to protect them from him. Well my oldest daughter texted me last night and told me that she’s really seeing her father for the manipulative liar that he is and that he’s been basically treating her how he treated me when we were in a relationship many years ago. She also mentioned that they are being evicted and have to be out in about 2-3 weeks. My girls are currently visiting with their half sister right now and they’ve been there for a few weeks. My daughter expressed that she really doesn’t want to go back to her dad’s house because of what she’s been going thru and I just really want my girls to come back home to me.

The dilemma is my husband. I know he wouldn’t want them here. And I don’t really want him here. But I’m trying to strategically have him leave for me and my children’s safety. The thing is, I’m crunched for time because school starts back in less than a month. They will only be with their sister for one more week and they will be homeless within 2 weeks of their return if they don’t come here. My oldest is really worried and I’m honestly worried too and idk if I should wait to bring them here until after he’s gone. Or if I should tell him that I plan on having them come here and then deal with him later.

I really don’t know what’s the best thing to do right now… any realistic advice???

TLDR: my oldest daughters currently live with their father who is being evicted and has two weeks to move. My husband doesn’t want to live with them and doesn’t want them around our children. I don’t want my husband around any of us. I’m trying to figure out if I should bring them back while my husband is still here or wait until I figure out my situation with him first. They start school in less than a month so I’m crunched for time…

I’m a 32 year female and my husband is a 30 year old male. He recently switched careers to become a police officer. He’s 1.5 years in and works third shift for a large department in a city. He has a coworker (26 years old female) who he talks to frequently. She seems to have a crush on him (long eye contact, exaggerated texting, asking to get breakfasts after shifts are finished, extreme friendliness, etc.). Out of everyone else in his graduating class, he’s the closest with her. Recently he shared that they are considering riding in the same car together while on shift. In his department about 1/10 officers ride in a car together, while all others ride in their own car. The benefits are companionship and safety. You are also frequently going to the same places anyway. I’ve voiced my support of this, but also shared I’m aware she has a crush on him. He acknowledged that. Two months ago he shared that he also had a crush on her.

He reinforced that he thinks I’m more attractive and wouldn’t do anything, that it’s an innocent liking and that he respects her. If they ride in the same car together that means they would be in constant contact and long opportunities to talk and get to know each other late at night. I’d consider myself confident in myself and I’m confident in his integrity, so I appreciate him bringing this option to my attention. How could I navigate this concern? Has anyone had a husband who was a police officer in a similar situation?

Tl;dr my husband (police officer) wants to be paired with his co-worker on all shifts. They both have a crush on each other.

Hi everyone,

I’m 31, and my wife is 33. We’ve been together since 2008 and married since 2018.

We’ve always taken our vacations together, and I’ve genuinely loved that. But this year things are a little different. My wife doesn’t have many vacation days left, and she’s also very attached to our 10-year-old dog. She really doesn’t like being away from him for more than a few days.

Lately, though, I can’t stop thinking about buying a plane ticket, throwing a backpack over my shoulder, and taking a two-week solo trip.

The thing is, we’re very different when it comes to traveling. My wife is happiest at a beach resort with a pool, a nice hotel, and a cocktail. I, on the other hand, want to explore every corner of a country, try the local food, see the culture, and experience as much as possible.

I honestly feel like traveling alone just once would be really good for me—maybe even for both of us.

I like the idea of moving at my own pace, making spontaneous decisions, and not having to compromise on what to do each day. At the same time, I’m worried that my wife might feel hurt or think I don’t want to travel with her anymore, which isn’t true at all. I love traveling with her too—just in a different way.

Is anyone here in a long-term marriage where one or both partners occasionally take solo vacations?

How has it worked out for your relationship? What have been the biggest positives and negatives? Would you recommend it, or do you think it’s something that’s better avoided?

One more thing that makes me hesitate: we don’t have children yet, but we do want them. Our original plan was to start trying for a baby during a vacation by the sea, so part of me also wonders if taking a solo trip first would send the wrong message.

I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences, advice, or even a different perspective.

Thanks in advance!

Tl;dr: Wife doesn’t have enough vacation days and is emotionally attached to our dog so I start thinking about having a solo trip on my own.