6 years into a sexless marriage, mentally exhausted, and terrified of divorce.
I (33F) have been married to my husband (31.5M) for six years. We had a love marriage after dating for a year. I married him because his family seemed non-toxic, he had a great sense of humour, and we had fantastic physical compatibility initially. He didn’t own a house and earned half of my salary, but we agreed we would eventually buy a home together. However, since the wedding, I am the only one who ever brings it up.
In the beginning, everything was good. We had great family time and a healthy sex life. But six months in, my father-in-law passed away, and everything changed drastically.
Because he is the eldest child, my husband took on the pressure of managing everything. Whenever we planned an outing, all four of us had to go (me, my husband, my mother-in-law, and my brother-in-law). No one in his family ever suggested that we spend time alone as a couple. For our first anniversary, I planned a trip to the Maldives with another couple who shared our anniversary date. We tried to get close one night, but we couldn't achieve penetration.
When we returned, things looked normal on the outside, but I was hurting deeply. I started seeing a psychologist. When I brought up our lack of intimacy, the therapist noted that I seemed fine, but that my husband likely needed counselling because grief had wiped out his sexual appetite. I tried discussing this with my husband, but I was met with resistance. Craving connection, I planned a trip to Goa just for the two of us. Right before, he asked, "Are you sure you don't want my mother to join us?" It broke my heart. I was trying to save our marriage, and he wasn't.
In Goa, I checked his phone one night and found out he was deeply emotionally involved with a female colleague. I broke down at 3 AM. We had a heated argument, and the rest of the trip was ruined. After we got back, I pushed him to see a doctor for his physical issues, but nothing happened. I started keeping myself busy with multiple activities to distract myself from the loneliness while working from home.
When my mother-in-law eventually asked when we were planning a baby, I used that moment to confess that we didn't share a physical relationship. The discussion wasn't fruitful. My husband occasionally took some Ayurvedic medicines, but nothing worked. We only had sex once every six months, and only when I initiated. Eventually, I stopped initiating and stopped bringing it up entirely. It made me feel like I was the only one begging for sex. I also tried telling my mother, but she reacted as if the conversation never even happened. I started speaking less to my mother-in-law because I realized no one was going to help me.
Later, my husband left his job to start a business, but his uncle—who was his business partner—passed away. During that difficult phase, I forced him to go to a doctor's appointment I booked. All his medical tests came back perfectly normal. The doctor confirmed it was entirely mental trauma. I desperately wanted my husband to share his sorrows with me, but we only ever have surface-level conversations. Whenever I try to dig deeper, it turns into a massive fight. I suggested couples therapy, but he refuses.
To cope, I buried myself in my work when I transitioned back to the office and started keeping myself really very busy. But sometimes, I feel like I am back to square zero. I am completely heartbroken and lost.
- Financially: I am completely independent.
- Emotionally: I am drained
- Mentally: I am entirely done and exhausted.
- Physically: I am utterly deprived.
I am still attached to my husband, and so are my parents. No one in my circle will understand because to the outside world, he is a fun-loving, wonderful guy everyone loves and I love him too. But I cannot live like a roommate forever.
How do I navigate this? Has anyone else survived a dead marriage where the partner is a good person but completely emotionally and physically absent?
TL;DR:
Married 6 years. After my father-in-law passed away early in the marriage, my husband completely lost his sexual appetite and shut down emotionally. He refuses couples therapy, medical tests show he is physically fine, and we live like roommates. I am physically deprived, mentally exhausted, and financially independent but absolutely terrified of getting a divorce.