u/Medical_Challenge_71

My wife(45) and I(51) have been together for 15 yrs, married for 10 and have slowly drifted apart over the past 5-6 years since the birth of our second child and have basically turned into roommates. We've tried counseling on two different occasions with no success, and over the past year have occasionally discussed getting a divorce ( she brought up the topic ) at a high level, but I have always been insistent on staying for the kids and trying to make things work and improve our relationship. That never happens though, after a few weeks or sooner of what feels like an amicable partnership we eventually default back to the roommate phase. And this cycle repeats over and over again. We sometimes get along and other times we argue in front of the kids, and the majority of the time the marriage feels dead and loveless and my guess is that our kids can see that, we rarely show affection to each other, rarely spend time together without our 2 kids, rarely make physical contact and rarely say “ I love you “. We also haven't been intimate in 8 years, which is embarrassing to put out there. The main thing that is keeping us together is that neither of us want to see our kids only 50% of the time, and perhaps the fact that we don’t hate each other, we just manage to get along more than we don’t. So is the writing on the wall, just a matter of time until we split? Should we keep going like this, fake it until you make it until it gets better? Are we wasting our time and the rest of our lives and damaging our kids? Any advice is appreciated.

tl;dr My wife and I have drifted apart and are stuck in an endless cycle of get long/ don't get along.

Hi everyone,

I've reached a point where I'm in need of some advice/input/commentary regarding my marriage and next move. I’m 50M, been married to my wife for 10 years and together for 14. We have two young kids (a neurodivergent son (5) and a daughter)(8).

My wife and I have drifted apart over the years and have basically been roommates, we've tried counseling on two different occasions with no success, and over the past 3-5 years have discussed getting a divorce ( she brought up the topic ) but I have always been insistent on staying for the kids and trying to make things work. That never comes to fruition though, after a few weeks of what feels like an amicable partnership we eventually default back to the roommate phase. We sometimes get along and other times we argue in front of the kids, and the majority of the time the marriage feels dead and loveless and my guess is that our kids can see that, we show no affection to each other, rarely make physical contact and we've stopped saying " I Love You " as it's become insincere. We also haven't been intimate in 8 years, which is embarrassing to put out there.

So with all of that being said, we've recently discussed moving fwd with an amicable divorce and a custody arrangement that we are both comfortable with and one that my son will have the most stability. I've also started looking for a new house to live in, and now that I have things have become "real", I am second guessing myself and doubting that I am making the right decision. I feel horrible about having to tell my children and only see them half of the time, and all of the sudden I feel comfortable in my current house and terrified of leaving. But I suppose that is just a normal reaction to the situation? Can we keep this up for another 30 years? Does this sound familiar to anyone else?

For those who have navigated a long-term marriage with kids, years of zero intimacy, and high friction:

• How did you finally decide between accepting a functional "roommate" arrangement vs. pulling the trigger on a divorce?
• For those who stayed and tried to fix it after years of no intimacy, did things ever truly turn around?
• For those who left, how did the transition and co-parenting affect your children compared to staying in the home with the tension?

Thank you for reading