I just don't care anymore.
My husband (37M) and I (40F) have bee married for 4 years, been together for almost 7 total. We have a daughter who is almost 20 months old and we own a house.
I don't know what to do anymore regarding my marriage.
I currently have absolutely no feelings towards my husband. I feel as if most of the time I am simply tolerating him. I am realizing more and more that I have very little respect for him and there are times where I can't decide if he's dumb, incompetent, or both. I don't trust being vulnerable to him anymore and I am very closed-off from him. I feel very disconnected from him and I am typically in a much better mood whenever he is not around. Most days I dread coming home from work because I know he will be there. I feel very performative when I am home with him. I am not excited to see him. I am, admittedly, very critical of him. I have absolutely no desire to have sex with him and I honestly don't remember the last time we were even intimate and I don't really care.
I am on anti-depressants due to post-partum depression after having my daughter. I was initially on Prozac, and I recently changed to a different med to help with the emotional blunting and lack of libido. Unfortunately, I still have no emotions and still have no libido. I know I care about him, but I am pretty certain I am not in love with him anymore, but again, not certain. I am not happy. I haven't been happy for a long time. When he is upset, I am unphased. In fact, it annoys me and I would rather just leave the room.
I feel like there were red-flags even before we got married (it took me MONTHS to put bridal shower gifts away and write thank you cards because I was so convinced we were not going to actually get married). I really invested a lot of myself into our relationship and really tried my best for so long, but now I feel like I have just been lying to myself all these years that things will get better. I don't want to sit here and list all the things he has done on his behalf to bring me to this point, but I'll just say a lot of it has been a combination of him being emotionally manipulative, having an inability to properly regulate his emotions, and frankly being selfish.
The thing is that, I know this isn't me and I feel like I am my worst self around him. He is the only person I treat this way. I know all of this has been building up over a few years and it is now manifesting as me simply not caring anymore. We have gone through 3 different counselors. I don't know if what I am feeling is because I am honestly done, if this is just from the anti-depressants, a self-preservation tactic, or maybe I am just awful at being married. I do think I may just be meant to be alone. I am a child of divorce, and I don't want my daughter to go through it, but I also am scared of my life being like this forever and her never seeing a happy mom.
I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever gone through anything like this. I will say, my husband has told me he is still very much in love with me, regardless of all the stuff we have been through. He still wants to makes things work and only recently is actually putting in some effort. I just see the situation as "too little too late". I just feel nothing towards him. Is there any coming back from this? Is there any hope? Or has too much damage been done to fully recover? I want to make things better, I want to be friends with him again, but this apathy I have towards the whole relationship makes it incredibly difficult to put in any effort or care at all.
TL;DR - I'm apathetic towards my husband and my marriage. Don't know if it's time to officially end things or if there is some hope of recovery. I know this can't be normal but have no idea what to do.