My wife (28F) monitors my (M37) phone, reacts to private family calls, and turns things into fights I did not start. Is this normal?
I am 37M and My wife is 28F, I have been married for a while now and I need outside perspective because I am honestly exhausted and starting to doubt my own read of things.
My wife is very inquisitive about my phone. She tries to peek at my screen to see who I am talking to or whose WhatsApp message just came in. I have confronted her about this many times and she usually laughs it off and says she is joking or doing it for fun. But it keeps happening, and even her jokes are constantly about my phone and my privacy, so it does not feel like a joke anymore.
A recent example. I had a phone call with my sister where we talked about some family things, nothing to do with my wife at all. She was completely fine before that call. The moment I hung up, she started what she calls not an argument, but she brought up things from a conversation she was not even part of. She told me not to gossip and then asked why I put up a certain WhatsApp status, saying she was worried about what people would think of her.
I do not understand why she needs to know or control what I talk about with my own sister on a private call.
On the other side, I never touch her phone. I barely notice when she is on a call in front of me and I have never once gone back to ask her what she said to someone or who she was talking to, because honestly I do not feel the need to. I trust her with that.
I feel like I am walking on eggshells in my own home. Talking to someone on the phone feels like I am committing a crime. I have started avoiding talking to friends when she is around, and then I get accused of hiding things from her, which makes no sense because the avoidance only started because of how she reacts.
This is not the first incident, there have been so many that I honestly cannot count them anymore. Every occasion, every event, somehow turns into an argument or a fight. At one point she was sent to a therapist and she stopped going by lying about it. We even had a written agreement between us about some of these behaviors and she did not stick to it either.
The pattern is usually the same. She makes a big deal out of something small, drags it out until I am worn down, and eventually I snap. The second that happens, she becomes the one who was hurt and I become the bad guy, even though I was reacting to something that had been building for a while.
Last night she told me to end the relationship if I do not like her, and to tell her clearly if I want to leave.
I have tried to be patient and caring through all of this, but I am tired. I do not know anymore if I am the problem or if this is just how things are going to keep going. Any honest perspective is welcome, including if I am missing something on my end.
tl;dr My wife constantly checks who I am texting or calling and tries to peek at my phone screen. When I bring it up she laughs it off as a joke, but it keeps happening. Recently I had a private phone call with my sister about family matters, nothing to do with my wife, and the moment I hung up she confronted me about it, telling me not to gossip and asking about a WhatsApp status I had posted. Meanwhile I never check her phone or ask her about her calls. I have started avoiding talking to friends around her, which then gets used against me as proof I am hiding something. This has happened many times before. She once went to therapy and stopped by lying about it, and we even had a written agreement about these behaviors that she did not keep. Last night she told me to end things if I do not like her. I do not know if I am the problem anymore.