Just not very compatible - how to deal?
I (43F) am unmarried but I live with my young (4 yo) son's father, so counting this as marriage advice. He's a nice-ish, normal and loyal person but basically the opposite of me in every other way. This manifests constantly in every facet of our life, big and small.
Small: I don't want clutter and save money for experiences; he loves to shop. I want to eat healthy at home, he likes to have tons of snack around. I prefer to read, he prefers TV. I like to plan out my weekends and trips, he likes to go with the flow.
Big: I am adventurous and thrill seeking, he is very cautious. I am outgoing, he spends no time with his friends and often only interacts with coworkers online. I am ambitious and made unhappy by it (but I chose ambition anyways), he is more Zen. I love living in the city, whereas he dreams of a suburban life. I like to banter, but he never seems to get it, and I have the same problem with his humor. I want to constantly try new things; he likes what he likes. He is smart but because he isn't interested in novelty, he's not the guy who is reading about the newest things and suggesting something interesting to do or talk about or plan. I am a people pleaser; he's not, and sometimes little oblivious to how people receive things he says. I find him to be fairly judgmental, and I think he probably sees me as too laissez faire and sometimes superficial/materialistic.
How did this happen? We got together too quickly, during the pandemic when it was harder to evaluate some of these things (outgoing, adventurous, social, curiosity). I had recently exited a relationship with a liar and put a high premium on his character. To the extent we had a honeymoon phase, it was during this window. After I was pregnant, I found out he hadn't been fully transparent with me about his finances (so maybe not a sterling character), and when we were in the baby phase, we had the typical issues of mental load/imbalance around the house. When the world opened up, I discovered he doesn't really expect to plan dates after having kids, and that was an ongoing issue. I started to see him as immature in some ways and somewhat avoidant. But overall, I view this state of affairs as mostly my fault for rushing into things, and I am certainly very immature too.
Have we discussed it? Yes. Dead bedroom started a year ago after I got sick of the constant conflicts. He's worked on all the baby era things, improved communication and cut back on arguing, and he really wants to stay together as a family. I respect him so much for that and for the work he put into improving our relationship. But I am not in love with him. I used to resent him, but now that he's addressed most of the underlying issues there, I find that there's a less solvable problem: he's just not someone I want to hang out with that much. I have been direct about this, but he still does not want to split.
I've never had luck in the romance department. I'd about be the same amount of happy/unhappy alone, even if it means sharing custody. I simply see us as not very compatible and I have a hard time being nice every day to someone I don't really want to see every day. I can live with the fact that maybe I made a mistake starting this family the way I did. But for my son and for my partner, I am willing to give this another year of effort.
Does anyone have recommendations or insight for this situation? Will HRT really help? Can therapy help me appreciate a partner more? Any perspective that I could work on developing? I am having trouble seeing how we can come together when we seem to legitimately but fundamentally differ on so many things. We parent well together, but I find including him or being around him a little stifling when I want to enjoy myself. How does that work?
tl;dr: I am in a relationship with a good person who feels like my opposite, and it's not enjoyable. Can I fix it? How?