r/AskDad

He’s not abusive by any means. he’s truly the best dad I could ever ask for. But he’s always been very intimidating when he gets upset. Ever since I was a little girl, and would upset my mom, she would go and tell on me to him. He would stare me down in my eyes, and have this piercing look in his face, and would slight pant whenever he was angry enough. Sometimes he’d do weird eye movements that I can’t really explain, but to this day I get uneasy when he does it. I remember a specific time where I did something bad around the age of 7, and went to bed but woke up after hearing my dad aggressively beeathe in and out of his nose and seen only his silhouette lol. Fast forward to today, which I am now 23, he still reacts the same way when he’s angry. He’s been struggling with insomnia badly lately, so I 100% understand why he could be frustrated 24/7 but it’s getting to the point that sometimes I can’t even start a conversation with him without feeling a little tense bc of how he’s alllllwaayys upset. 8 out of 10 interactions- he will be upset in general. It’s been feeling like walking on eggshells lately and it’s been stressing me out a lot more than usual. Is this normal?

Hey Reddit Dads. Imma football jock who is feeling pretty lost. Haven't had my Dad in my life since I was 5, and finding myself making decisions recently I'm not proud of. I want to be a good man, succeed with football, and find a nice woman. Treat people with respect, including myself. But without having my Dad in my life for so long, I just need guidance. Any Dads out there who could help? Thanks for your time.

I’m a boy and I don’t have a dad to talk to so sometimes I would like to talk to an older guy just for like advice and stuff or someone to talk to me in a fatherly way, it sounds kinda weird but whatever😅 my DMs are blocked because of my age so you can’t dm me so you will have to talk to me here or I can dm you instead, I’m also new to Reddit so I don’t really know how to work it yet but I would really appreciate if someone responded🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

Edit: Thank you everyone who has responded so far and thank you for everyone who is messaging me, you don’t know how much I appreciate it because I have no male figures in my life at all so I really appreciate anyone taking the time to talk to me even if it’s online, I see a lot of people replying to me not wanting to talk but telling me to be careful and stuff and don’t dm with older people and thank you for your concern but for context I am going into my 7th grade at school so I’m aware of these things but I really just want anyone who is able to talk to me to reply to my post, I’m so grateful for everyone who has already so thank you so much and I hope some people will keep replying!🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

I apologise for ths lengthy pargraph but i desperately need some advice because im stuck on what to do...

I’m 19 and I’m struggling to work out whether I’m overreacting to my dad’s behaviour. This has been an on-and-off cycle for around 5–6 years.

He can be nice and we can have a good time, but most days there is at least one hurtful comment, criticism or argument. He has called me “heartless,” “selfish,” “a nasty piece of work” and “a fucking idiot,” sometimes over quite small things like disagreeing with him or not reacting enthusiastically enough or him believing me breathing is sighing. He also shouts, swears and interrupts me / talks over me when I try to explain myself and sometimes makes comments about things to purposely annoy me. I often feel anxious and tense around him because im constantly expecting something to happen and when he gets angry he grinds his teeth, visibly shakes, shouts and if he isnt shouting he is giving me an angry look.

What confuses me is that afterwards he can act completely normal or be nice and act like nothing happened, which makes me question whether I caused the argument or whether I’m overreacting.

I’ve explained to him several times that his behaviour hurts me, and things improve for a few days before the same pattern starts again.

Yesterday he had asked me what was wrong so i calmly explained i didnt like how hed been talking to me lately, saying i was heartless, that i was nasty and after cleaning a room in his house he said i only did it for my own benefit and didnt acknowledge my good job till the next day. He didnt remember saying these things and started shouting at me and banging his hands on the steering wheel as he was driving because he said i was lying to him and eventually told me i was gaslighting him. When i tried to explain it did happen he just got more angry, and when i asked why he couldnt apologise or acknowledge that he hurt my feelings he told me i needed to grow up and be less sensitive because as my parent he should be able to criticise me. I then got emotional and he mocked me by fake crying and doing a voice. And then continued to say the only reason i was feeling hurt is because i was sensitive and cant take criticism and that he didnt need to apologise for it. The conversation ended with him saying that he says those things to me because of the way i behave and if i was not like that he wouldnt need too and that hes not going to apologise unless i apologise to him for how i treat him. Which as far as i know and everyone else says i dont do anything

Other family members have also noticed his behaviour and agree that I’m not imagining it. I’m considering seeing him less, but I feel guilty on the days he is nice because he’s my dad and I do love him but i can never properly relax when around him and when he is really angry it is threatning. Am I justified in creating some distance, or do I need to learn to let things go and forgive him?

Not talking about money, property, or family businesses.
I mean the things that are harder to see.
A habit.
A temper.
A fear.
A way of loving.
A way of dealing with failure.
A silence.
A belief about what it means to be a man.
Maybe even a mistake you never chose to make.
So I’m curious:
What is something you feel you inherited from your father?
And do you think we can inherit our fathers’ mistakes too — even when we consciously try not to repeat them?
Would love to hear the honest answers, especially the complicated ones.

Hey dads, my central cooling has been incredibly weak all summer so I am taking matters into my own hands by putting a supplemental mini split heat pump in the master suite. I ordered a costway seextreme 12000 btu 24 seer2 mini split because I wanted the highest efficiency rating I could get for the price. I was excited until I looked at the installation manual and saw I need to drill a 3 inch hole completely through our stucco wall for the line set. For those of you who aren't professional tradesmen, how did you get over the mental hurdle of cutting a giant, permanent hole in the side of your house without being terrified of causing massive water damage later?

Hey, i have noticed that sometimes when you talk to men through text and say something cute to them like “i really like talking to you” or “i missed talking to you” they completely ignore that message and just keep on talking. What does it mean?

I (22f) have always had a complicated relationship with my dad. I’ve hated him since I was 14 and he was suggesting ways my younger sister should kill herself and told me he wishes I was never born. He’s always been mean, angry, and aggressive more than he’s ever been supportive or there for me in any meaningful way. One time my sister was sick and threw up in the toilet. My mum was out for some reason that night, so she went to tell my dad but he got angry at her because he thought she was lying. I couldn’t have been any older than 10 but I had to make her soup and put her to bed. He would always make me take on his emotions and care for him like he was my child. As a little kid he’d tell me things like I can’t trust anyone else but him because anyone else will hurt me. Or he’d tell me things that I wasn’t allowed to tell my mum, like when he occasionally did drugs and had bad experiences. When he found out I was suicidal and self-harming at 14, he didn’t speak to me for a week because he was so angry at me for being weak. He only ever thinks about himself and can’t see anything beyond that. He’s an alcoholic (though he’d never admit it to himself seriously) but he’ll never get better.

He also used to do these weird “love pats” on my butt as a kid that I always hated and he wouldn’t stop no matter how much I said I wanted him to? And when I got a bit older he’d make gross comments about my body. He only shut up because I screamed the house down about it over months. There’s also the fact that he started dating my mum when he was 22 and she was 17. In Britain that’s technically legal and I know people thought about it differently a few decades ago but imo that’s super weird and gross. I’m 22 and 17 year olds are babies in my head. But this isn’t me saying he’s a pedo or anything. He’s not like that. He was hurt as a kid. I just don’t know what it all means.

I know all of that is horrible but I truly believe he doesn’t mean it. He is very traumatised and has suffered his entire life. He doesn’t know what it means to be a good parent and I don’t know what it is to have one so I’m not even sure what to ask here.
Since I was 14, I’ve wanted to never speak to him again. The plan was always for me to go to uni and cut him off somehow, but that never happened. I chickened out, and my mum got cancer in my first year of uni, and died in 2023, just before I began my second year. I couldn’t do it then — he was destroyed as he depended on her for so much. And now it just wouldn’t make sense to cut him off. The rest of my/his family (we’re all v close) would never understand. I’ve managed to swallow things since then but I feel like it’s getting to a point of no return. I’ve been repulsed by him for years — he used to hug me and I’d want to throw up. But I can’t pretend anymore. I hate him. Every time he calls or texts me I get angry. He keeps offering me money but I don’t want it. I’d rather go without.

I have tried to speak to him, beg him, appeal to him a million times over the years. I didn’t understand as a kid but he was always at least a bit drunk, and wouldn’t care. There is no getting through to him. My mum and I have told him before that he is destroying his relationship with us all and he didn’t give a fuck. Yet, other times he’s so emotional and attached to me that he would literally hunt me down if I tried to go no contact.

But I can’t stand it any more. I live in a different city now and don’t see him that often, but I think about him all the time. He will ring me in the middle of the day whilst I’m writing my dissertation and the simplest of conversations will ruin my entire day and upset me so much that I can’t focus on work. I can’t sleep. It’s August and I’m worrying about Christmas because he’s always so angry then. I’m sorry if this is all over the place and doesn’t make sense, I just don’t know what to do. It’s all too overwhelming but I don’t see any potential for change. He will never change and I’m stuck.

I was in my room with my AirPods in, watching something on my phone and jerk*** off. I was completely naked. My dad walked in and saw everything.
Now I just feel weird about the whole thing. Has anyone else been through this? How do you deal with it after?

When I turned 16 and got my first car my dad went over everything I should do in case of an emergency and showed me a checklist of phone numbers (pre cellphone era) and information that I may need in those situations. He put it in the owners manual. Luckily I never needed the checklist but whenever I got rid of that car he told me to make sure I got the checklist from the owners manual. I got it and read it and noticed it said “cash inside the back cover” there was a black zippered cover that enclosed the manual & when i checked it there was 2 folded $100 bills, 2 $20 bills and 2 $5 bills. My oldest son recently turned 17 and the owners manual in his car has a checklist I made and a similar note about cash and $200 hidden. Even though technology has changed and made it much easier to send money to people I did it in case he’s ever stranded with a dead cellphone and needs cash. It just gives me peace of mind knowing that he has it.

i had a really nice relationship with my dad as a kid. but after i turned into a teen, his behaviour changed a bit. he still loves me but its been exhausting and suffocating to be around him.

im 19 now and he still doesnt treat me like an adult. he thinks of me as a child. so when i try to express my own feelings and opinions, he demeans them and makes me feel guilty for feeling things. he turns the entire situation around by victimising himself and saying stuff like 'i do so much for you' or 'i didnt know you had so much disrespect towards me' or similar stuff like that.

today, my brother insisted on buying something for my birthday and i refused because he is still struggling as a musician and i dont want him to waste his money on me. but my dad yelled at me for this. he said that he finds my stubbornness really annoying and he hates it. he said that i should be humble and i shouldnt be so indifferent towards my brother. none of this made sense to me.

i love my dad to death. but at one point, every conversation with him turns into him making me feel bad for having feelings and opinions. i cant remember the last time i have had an actual talk with him where i havent cried and felt so blocked up.

am i overthinking this? or is he at fault? because he never thinks he is at the wrong. its always me who has a problem.

I’m a guy in my 40s and I could really use some dad energy for a minute.

My dad has never shown much interest in me or my life. I spent a lot of years working hard, trying to be successful, being a good person, hoping that eventually I’d do something that would make him proud enough to notice me or give me some affection, attention, time....anything.

By most measures, I’ve done pretty well. I’m healthy, fit, successful, kind to people, and I’ve had plenty of people tell me that my parents must be proud of me.

But my dad just seems…unmoved....maybe even resentful. Which is the opposite of what I want our relationship to be.

I think the hardest part is realizing I’m still waiting for something I probably will never get. I don’t really miss the dad I had. I miss the dad I needed.

He’s also gone in a very different direction politically in recent years, which has made that distance feel even bigger.

So, if you’re one of those dads who believes in people, and knows how to make a guy feel like he’s doing okay...he is worthy…could you give me a little pep talk?

I think I need to hear that I’m not unworthy just because my own dad never seemed able to see me.

For some context i am a 15 years old boy and i have had a lot of problems with my dad like for all my life he was not a good person so i always stayed with my mother and it turned out pretty good i did enjoy being with her she is the only person that i can really trust she is not strict i always hug her and kiss her daily ( I haven't hugged my dad since i was like 7 years old ) so you can tell the difference anyways we had to visit a friend and i did really like the place and the vibes last time the problem is that my mom couldn't come with us so i had to talk to my dad which was hard at the time but i am used to it now ( btw the visit lasted 2 days ) i did have fun with everyone including my dad and little brother you might think that that is it end of the story but no while i was laughing and living my life overall i thought of calling my mom but i didn t bring my phone with so i had to call her on my dad s phone i sat down called her nothing so i started searching the phone mayne i will find something i interesting ( i am not even joking last time i checked his search history it was corn bruh and he is too old like he is between 50_60 ) i saw a tab of messager still open so i opened it and my heart was broken when i saw what he was talking about me with my mom he said "(my name)is the worst he is soo discusting and bad i HATE HIM" bro that shit destroyed me and thank goodness my mom said "i didn t understand nothing" but before an hour ago he was talking about how responsible and respectful i was and how i was a man rn and that made me happy i am thinking about telling this story to my mom and never talking to my dad again pls if you can help me with some advice i am litterly lost rn and i wanna cry really bad but i can t bc my i am not home for the time being tommorow i will come back this ruined my whole experience and it was soo bad :(

Hey Dad , I know you don't use reddit and I have little courage to tell you that I have failed you. Yes I did because I am not emotionally mature and financially secured enough to call myself an independent guy.

I have lived 22 years as a man and I have not got a long lived school friend , college bud or a colleague to look upon. I have been a great potential guy as you told but I am a mediocre because of my own emotional distress.

All of my known acquaintance have given their parents something good in their life and here I am wasting time, money and everything being mediocre i don't know how to face you but I know you are in your 60s and you won't have much time due to age but I wish and manifest that I do something good so that you feel good and proud about me.

So as of recently I have been going through a lot of stress which the only thing I've found to really help is playing games with my friends, but my dad seems to think I don't wanna be around anymore because of this, and honestly I don't really want to be around him but that's not the main point, I really like playing games with friends and it helps relieve a lot of my stress and calm me down, and every so often my dad will ask if I wanna watch a movie with him and I'll kindly reject the offer because I'm not wanting to, im also not a huge movie girl anyway. Along with this he loves guilt tripping people like he makes me feel like I'm such an insufferable person because I don't wanna hang out, and it makes me feel like I don't love him and like I'm not worth his time, how do I tell him it's not that I don't love him?

I'm doing a throwaway for this because I can't even type what I feel, yet alone risk people around me being aware of it.
My relationship with my dad is pretty complicated, he and I have always been close, to a point my mom would get jealous of our relationship. It's not something she would say but it's something I felt, I could feel the cuddling and attention I got when I was younger was something she was not receiving as much as before. It was something I shouldn't have been aware of but my mom wasn't all that discreet telling my dad how much she missed it, especially with how thin the walls are.
My mom and my dad god divorced 2 years ago and my dad got custody, I live there all year long and go to my mom's 1/2 weekends. She and I have a very difficult relationship, sometimes I even skip going there because we just fight all the time, for stupid stuff, but neither her and I will budge and it's pissing me off. Over time I felt like she was the adult and she was the one that should do the first step into making things okay but I feel like this is just an excuse I tell myself when I could just try to make things okay regardless of who started talking if things get okay in the end.
And finally, and I can't believe I'm really typing this, but I've been in love with my dad for so freaking long, it's impossible for me to see him as anything else than my future husband. And I'm not saying like, I want to live with him, I'm saying, I want him to make me his wife, in every way you can imagine. I cried for a long time and felt disgusted by my own feelings, I did some bad things to my body he wasn't aware of forcing myself to stop them, but I just CAN'T help it, I keep feeling that way, I keep on crying when he starts dating and he would immediately dump any girl if I wasn't okay with him dating, I feel like I'm everything to him the same way he's everything to me and I can't shake the feeling that life is unfair, I hate that it's not allowed to have those feelings, and I know everyone will say "hey it's okay to have these feelings, but they are wrong, go date boys your age, go see a therapist" as if I was fucking sick, I'm very aware I shouldn't have that type of feelings, but I can't deny what I want and what I love, and it's him.
I thought about leaving his house and go live with my mom, but the fights between her and I, being away from him, it would destroy me as much as it would destroy my mom who hates having me around for too long and destroy him for being away from me for too long, he wouldn't understand, I would have to tell him the truth to do that and it would kill him, I just can't...
I want to be a better daughter, a normal one, I can't stop crying at the thought that maybe he will never love me that way, a part of me way wants to tell him how much I want him and just see what's what, but the reasonable part of me is making this post, right now, knowing I'll destroy my family by telling him and I need real advices on how to stop those feelings for him and to stop fighting with my mom.

So what happened was that my father has been going through a hard time , during this he mentions about me not wanting to talk to him much or spend time with him a lot now this is because before his hard time he would be constantly busy in work and that was no issue what was a issue was that he would remove that anger and frustration on me. Everyday whenever I came back from somewhere he would talk to me in an ungentle or frustrated way. This made me cry in secret a lot because i couldn't even express myself in front of him cause he had said he would give me a 'real reason' to cry for, i eventually moved on from him and do not love him or feel anything for him anymore and I know I'm not wrong but I still wanted to know for other people..he now expects me to help him during his on going hard time...as he tries to act nice and kind but I know i don't have to do that, it's hard to be in his presence and he even yelled about how he failed in parenting me cause I'm agnostic and they are religious though I'm fully aware that isn't a failure and he has also berated me of being obsessed with my phone though that's the only way that I could cope with them being toxic and making me feel miserable. i don't have enough money right now to move out from this hellhole..so what do you all think?..am i wrong for feeling this way?

i’m 18, ive only had my license 6 months and i’m usually a confident driver
i don’t know what happened, it’s not a big scrape and honestly did more damage to my car. i’m so ashamed and sorry and i’m going to take initiative and sort everything out.
i exchanged details with the driver as he was walking back to his car when it happened, he wasn’t overly stressed but i was just so so sorry i can’t believe i did that.
i know it’s only small but i feel so guilty and im so so sorry. when i got home i told my dad between sobs, and he basically said that he hated me and he was really mad. it’s been over 24 hours and dad hasn’t spoken to me.
i’m going to pay for everything and sort it out with insurance. it was an accident i would never do that on purpose, it was a lapse in my judgment and im so sorry. the guilts been eating me all day and i don’t know what to do. i don’t have any other family, my mum died a few years ago and im a very lonely person. it’s just me and dad im so scared and sad and sorry and ashamed.
what do i do?

PLEASE HELP! Okay for context my Dad (step dad) is a great dad to his children, but he hasn’t always been the best husband to my mum. They have been together for about 13 years now and he has always supported her financially and is very loving when he is around but his addictive personality has caused him to do lots of shitty things over the course of their relationship. From drinking to recreational drugs my dad has used a lot of unhealthy methods to “cope” during difficult times in their relationship. In these instances he would insist he was not doing anything until he would be caught red handed and be distraught and ‘ashamed’. A few years ago I found a saved website on his phone to an online dating website, I can’t even remember what happened but eventually he must have convinced my mum it wasn’t him/wouldn’t happen again. My mums never fully trusted him but has been in a lot of shitty/abusive relationships in her life and I think she just doesn’t want to restart again at 50 years old as she has an 8 year old. The last couple of months he has started working away for work which in his defence was my mums idea not his, but I know was FIFO workers can be like. 1 month into working out there my mum received a selfie of a woman who had his phone out at a rodeo - i was convinced my mum was going to leave this time, I think she was convinced as well. But again that would mean she would have to go back to being a full time working single mum and I think after doing that for majority of her life before she met my step dad she really doesn’t want to. So I know deep down she knows he’s sus but she wants to believe him so she doesn’t have to restart. I found a suggestion come up on my Snapchat from my contacts with my dad’s contact and a fake name for the Snapchat username. Obviously this means his number has been used to create an account with a fake name - I’m not an idiot I know you need to verify your number to set up an account so I know it’s definitely him. I already had to tell my mum about the dating site and I just hate the fact that I’m the one put in this situation - my mum doesn’t have any social media and doesn’t understand how it works so unless I told her she would have no idea. I love my dad but I’m starting to resent him over the years because he’s so sneaky and he’s a really really good actor/liar. It makes it hard to trust anything he says or does anymore but I WANT to believe him because he’s been a great dad. Since having my little sister, I know they haven’t really slept together or been intimate with each other. I understand that if it’s been 8 years my dad hasn’t had any intimacy as someone with an addictive personality maybe he’s addicted to that sort of stuff as well?? 😭😭 I DON’T KNOW but all I know is I don’t know what to do or how I go about this situation. I’m meant to be moving overseas in a few months and prior to meeting my step dad I was always my mums rock, I know that if she chooses to leave him having me move away will be extremely hard for her. I think he really does love her in his own twisted way? But the lack of emotional connection and intimacy in their relationship since my sister was born I don’t know if he’s just seeking it elsewhere? He’s had every option to leave and he’s chosen to stay because he “loves our family” “can’t be without us” and “loves my mum” and I see how genuinely devastated he is when he thinks mum is going to leave. I know enough about mental health to know that 2 things can be true at once, he can want to be with her and still do things that are wrong because he has problems with addiction and impulsivity. That doesn’t change the fact that my mum doesn’t deserve it though - I just hate that he keeps doing this and I’ve been put in this uncomfortable situation AGAIN where it’s up to me to have to say something. Please help, if you think I should say something how do you think I should go about it? Ask him first and give him a chance to lie, or go straight to her?

This fake account might not sound that bad to some but because of his track record and multiple red flags it’s just hard to believe that once again this is just something innocent.

P.S my mum isn’t a silly woman, she’s left plenty of shitty relationships once she’s been disrespected. This is the longest she’s stayed in a relationship and I think it’s just because she’s exhausted - but I know this Snapchat account would probably be her last straw and she would leave - and as much as I KNOW she deserves that a part of me wonders if she would just prefer to not know and pretend everything’s fine? Ignorance is bliss sort of thing?