r/IndianInLaw

I've been noticing something troubling in my own community, and I'd like to hear if others have observed this too.

Over the past few years, I've watched a lot of family vlogs featuring Indian men married to foreign women usually American or white women. In almost every one, the in-laws treat these daughters-in-law with remarkable respect and warmth. The dynamics seem so harmonious compared to what I see elsewhere. But when I look at traditional Indian family vlogs or even real families around me, there's often tension, conflict, and disrespect toward the Indian bahu.

In my own neighborhood, I saw this play out in real time. A family had two sons. The first son married a woman from a different caste an Indian woman and the parents struggled to accept her. They were cold, dismissive, sometimes outright disrespectful. But when the second son married a white American woman, the same parents suddenly became warm, welcoming, almost reverent. It was like night and day, and honestly, it's deeply unfair.

I'm not trying to generalize or bash anyone's family. But this pattern keeps showing up, and I can't ignore it. It raises uncomfortable questions: Are some Indian parents valuing their daughters-in-law based on skin color and nationality rather than character? Is there an underlying colorism or "foreign = better" mentality at play? Why do we celebrate some bahus while dismissing others?

To any foreign daughters-in-law here: I'm genuinely curious have you experienced conflict with your Indian in-laws despite this pattern? Or has your experience been different? Your perspective would be really valuable.

And to everyone: Have you noticed this in your own families or communities? What do you think is driving it? Let's have an honest conversation.

(Note :-I’m not looking to judge anyone or generalize, but I wanted to open up a honest discussion about skin color, race, and the complex dynamics inside Indian families. I’d love to hear your experiences!)

We are in the US, both husband and I earn and contribute equally to the household expenses and mortgage.

Our inlaws just visited us for 2 months and right after them my sister and bil visited us for 1 week. Now my inlaws seem to think they have the right to ask my husband who is visiting us next. They even questioned why my sister is visiting now. They seem to think my relatives come visit us a lot, (ehich they dont) which they could if they wanted to because its my house too. My MIL will sneakily always ask my husband over calls that who is visiting us next (I am in the room when my husband takes the call, she doesn't know it that I am there)

How do I tell her next time she asks the question that its my house and whoever wants can visit from my side, they have 0 say in that. Honestly if it spoils the relationship I am fine with that as well.

I got married to the love of my life, thinking that we would spend a beautiful life together. After dating him for over 2 years, I was very sure that I had chosen the right person. Then, after getting married, I realised that everything was about his mother. Right from how I dress, to how I speak, behave, cook, and apparently also be immune to her mood swings.

She would just sulk for days, and all my husband ever cared about was, "Mummy ko kya huya hai?"
She actually convinced him that the closer my husband gets to me, the more upset she will be, and guess what, it worked. He stopped interacting with me, came home late, and having sex was like looking at a far-fetched dream.

Now, we have been separated for 4 months, and slowly I have started to feel closer to the woman inside me.

Now, after 16 months of torture called marriage, I want my husband. I want my husband to pay for all the manipulation, gaslighting, and the jobs I lost because I lost my confidence, and the mental trauma he and his mother made me go through.

Is it fair for me to demand alimony?

I got married. It was a love marriage. Soon after I got pregnant. I never liked kitchen work and after marriage taking dil as granted for cooking made me hate it even more.

So after marriage she forced many things on me like nose piercing, which I denied, waking up early to help her in the kitchen, doing all the makeup of an indian DIL, wearing suit at home, which I denied. Forcing me into all this and more made me bitter towards her. Calling my mom n dad on every festival to get things by saying that these are mandatory and many other things. All this led to our relationship to a hate one especially from my side.
All the superstition that she used to pour on me that this will happen if you don’t do this that will happen and bla bla.

Even when I was pregnant I cried many times because of her. She made me take my clothes off on a festival and made me wear a saree.

I used to go to office during my pregnancy and never felt coming back home because of her. Also whenever I used to react when I didn’t like any of her things by not talking to her she used to play and till now plays victim card by crying and keeping herself in a room.

Also after marriage we were given a small room so we made our bedroom on first floor to which she never knocks till date. Just enters on her own will. Even after the upper floor made till the time I was pregnant I used to go down and sit with them, but somehow I never liked how she spoke to me by giving taunts in every other sentence. Atleast that’s how I felt.
She has a different tone for me and my husband.

After I delivered the baby and that puja happened for the baby my mother came with the gifts.
My mother decorated all the things in wooden boxes. She made her remove all those even after me asking not to because some month was going on in which they don’t bring wood according to her superstition.

I had C-sec. I delivered my baby at my in-laws place. So I had to live there for 2 months for my health. As the time of 2 months was coming to end she started expecting me to make food or roti which is around 15-16 rotis at a time.

Earlier when I was didn’t come to the house she was managing everything including cooking and stuff and suddenly after marriage she was not able to do it. So we hired a cook for evening.

During my pregnancy she hired a cleaning maid for our upper portion to which I used to pay.

Now my baby is 1yr old. I do all the things for my baby as we don’t have nanny. Right from breastfeeding her every now n then to potty cleaning. My husband helps but then all the burden is on me.
So my baby keeps on waking up 4-5 times at night and then once the morning starts I do everything for my baby including cooking food for her and snacks and cleaning my upper portion on my own.

So my schedule goes like I take my baby downstairs once she is awake and prepare brkfast for her which is around 10:30am. After that I take her up stairs and feed her, bathe her, massage her which takes around 3 hrs and it’s already 1pm. After that I prioritize cleaning my upper portion by myself when she is sleeping. Once it’s done some days I get a nap and some days she gets up and I have to feed her. This feeding and playing takes around 3pm sometimes 4. After that I take her down and come back upstairs to have a bath and get other things done. After that she comes up we play a little and then we go downstairs and i cook for her while our cook cooks for us. At around 8pm I give her dinner and then she sleeps till 10pm

Now my MIL wants me to cook food for her in the afternoon which is the only task she does because maid comes on lower floor for cleaning and utensils. She also complains that I don’t do downstairs and sit and talk to everyone and her, which is because one I don’t have enough time and 2 because I simply don’t like her and talking to her.

Every now n then she creates this similar problem pf my behaviour and cooking which takes a toll on my mental health.
Also she takes money from us to run the house which I don’t have a problem with but it feels a maid to me to cook for the house while she gets to keep all the money and only manage the house.

If she really wants me to cook I should feel like the menber of the family that will happen while giving me the money to manage the kitchen which she keeps to herself. None of her son cooks.
When she cooks she makes sure her husband and my fil helps in the kitchen and he does everytime.

Also maybe because of breastfeeding my weight has significantly dropped and I feel weak and dizzy most of the time.

What should I do?
PS - I hate cooking

I’m really struggling and would genuinely appreciate some outside perspective.

I have been living with my in-laws for 16 years, and I have felt suffocated by this arrangement for a very long time.

My mother-in-law and I have always had a difficult relationship. When I first got married, she would tell me what was expected of me now that I was a wife and that things I could get away with before marriage weren’t acceptable anymore. She compared me to other daughters-in-law and told me how I should be more like them.

Over the years, there have also been a lot of small, passive-aggressive things that have really worn me down. She has gossiped about me to hired help and to her daughter. She often treats her daughter very differently and seems to give her a pass for things that would never be acceptable from me. Even with relatives, she is constantly praising her daughter, and I have never really heard her compliment me or focus on me.

Sometimes it’s little things — asking her son if he wants food while completely ignoring me, doing things for him but deliberately excluding me, or making a point of doing something halfway for me while doing it properly for herself.

Individually, some of these things may sound insignificant. But after years and years of this dynamic, I have reached a point where I physically cringe when I hear her voice or even seeing her makes me angry. When my in-laws are around, I go upstairs to my room because I genuinely don’t want to interact with them. I wait for them to leave before coming back downstairs.

My whole life revolves around avoiding them.

I finally got my husband to acknowledge what has been happening and, after a lot of discussion, he agreed that we should move out.

We put in an offer on a house about 10 minutes away.

And everything has exploded.

My FIL has been crying and begging us not to leave. My MIL apologized and is asking us to reconsider. My parents are extremely disappointed in me as well. My mom has cried and hung up on me. My dad is upset that I would leave my in-laws at this stage of their lives.

The argument from everyone is essentially: How can you abandon them at their age?

But they are not helpless. Their house is completely paid off. They are active, independent adults and are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves physically and financially. And we aren't moving across the country. We are moving 10 minutes away. We will still be there for them and help them as needed. We are just asking for some space.

I have told them very clearly that I am unhappy. I have told them that I want a home of my own and that I feel like I am currently living in someone else's dream house rather than building my own life.

I have also told them that this living arrangement is hurting my marriage. My husband and I fight constantly about it, and I have gotten to the point where I feel like I am on the verge of depression.

Their response is basically, “Give it another year. Try living together for another year and then decide.”

But I don't want another year.

I don't want to spend another year hiding in my bedroom whenever they are around. I don't want to continue resenting them. I don't want my marriage to continue suffering. And I don't want my children to grow up thinking this is what an adult marriage is supposed to look like.

At the same time, I feel absolutely horrible.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have actually stood up for myself and said, This is what I want. This is the life I want to build.

And instead of feeling happy, I feel like I am hurting and disappointing everyone I love.

Part of me keeps thinking: Am I being selfish? Am I really abandoning them? Should I sacrifice my own happiness because they are getting older?

Or do I finally need to accept that other people's disappointment doesn't necessarily mean I'm doing something wrong?

I honestly don't know anymore.

If you were in my position, what would you do?

Would you follow your dream of having your own home and marriage, knowing your parents and in-laws are hurt and disappointed?

Or would you stay another year — or indefinitely — to keep everyone else happy, even though you know you are deeply unhappy?

I would really appreciate honest perspectives, especially from people who have dealt with living with in-laws or similar cultural/family expectations.

I’m 34F, and I was in an arranged marriage. When I first met my husband, he looked great on paper: financially successful, educated, and his family seemed very kind. I actually said no a couple of times, but they remained persistent.
Eventually I thought, maybe love can grow. I was also 28 and figured that kindness, stability and comfort might be more important than having some immediate romantic connection.
The first couple of months were honestly great. We travelled, explored, and my husband was very nice to me. His family also seemed incredibly sweet.
The marriage, however, was a joint-family setup with his parents and siblings. I knew I would be living with his parents, but over time the household became much more complicated. Siblings who had been living abroad returned, spouses came into the picture, a pregnant daughter moved back, and extended family members would stay for months. I had very little privacy or space.
About two months into the marriage, I decided I didn’t want children immediately and started taking precautions. My husband saw me doing this, so I told him I wanted to wait until I felt ready and had more time to get to know him. I didn’t think this was unreasonable, especially in an arranged marriage.
He told his parents. His mother called my father and made it into a huge issue, questioning what kind of woman I was and making accusations about me that weren’t true. We eventually moved past it, but it really hurt me and made me realize that private marital issues were going to involve the entire family.
There were other things I discovered that I hadn’t expected. For example, I had been told my husband was a social drinker, but I eventually realized he drank at least one drink almost every night because he said it helped him sleep.
I also started feeling increasingly controlled. He didn’t like me making friends or going out without him. If I went somewhere, he’d tell me to bring the person home and would imply that going out wasn’t appropriate. I started sharing my location whenever I went anywhere. He sometimes checked my phone and became very particular about what clothes I wore, preferring that I wear oversized clothing.
At the same time, I wasn’t happy with the lack of privacy and autonomy in the household. Even small things like where I wanted to go or what I wanted to eat could become an issue.
Eventually I became visibly unhappy. I spent a lot of time in my room studying and working while he spent most of his time with his nieces and nephews. We barely talked.
I also felt like my efforts weren’t appreciated. I once ordered pizza and surprised him with it, and his response was basically telling me to return the “garbage pizza” because he didn’t like it. There were no birthday or anniversary gifts, despite him frequently talking about how wealthy he was. I wasn’t looking for expensive gifts; it was more about feeling considered.
At one point, his family started making comments about what I contributed to the household. His father and husband would make me feel like I wasn’t contributing enough.
So I tried to change. I started cooking and cleaning even though there was already paid household help. I learned to make more complicated dishes because I thought maybe if I contributed more, things would improve.
Sometimes they wouldn’t even eat what I made.
His sister also seemed to resent me. I got the impression that she thought I was a “middle-class girl” who had married into money and didn’t deserve what I had. There were comments implying that it was more her house than mine.
Eventually my husband insulted me again and I had enough. I left. His father came into my room and yelled at me and compared me to his daughter.
I ultimately divorced my husband.
Now, after the divorce, they are asking me to come back. Their proposed solution is that my husband and I will get our own separate place and live independently from his family.
Part of me wonders whether that would actually solve the problems. I do miss some aspects of the marriage — the financial security, the travel, the lifestyle and the fact that my husband could be very kind and nice at times.
But I also remember why I left.
The issue wasn’t just the house. It was the lack of privacy, the control, the involvement of his family in our marriage, the comments and belittling, and feeling like I didn’t really have a place in the family.
I’m struggling with whether I should give the marriage another chance if we have a completely separate home, or whether I’m just being pulled back because I’m scared of starting over after divorce.
If you were in my position, would a separate home be enough to reconsider, or would you see the previous behavior as too fundamental to the marriage?

I (27F) married my husband (30M), 2 years ago
Admittedly, he comes from a lot of family wealth whereas I was middle class but still successful and educated and with a good career & able to stand on my own two feet. I live with his family in their very large home where we have our own space. Sometimes toe steeping occurs but I focus on our marriage and live my own life and don’t bother much with them if they have issues, luckily we have enough space to have private space as a couple

My SIL is getting married next month to someone she’s been engaged to for 3 years, my SIL doesn’t have a great career / education and her fiance also keeps opening and closing businesses, apparently earns 200k dollars from a young age but can’t buy a house yet, can’t buy his own car, and isn’t willing to spend on my SIL or even the wedding. He also wears fake designer a lot. Personally it doesn’t make sense. He has now since closed his business and it seems he struggles to hold a career down. He does not come from family money and they have a standard home where she will live with in laws too

My MIL / SIL have some sort of hate towards me for marrying into wealth whilst she has to go live somewhere where finances aren’t stable and may struggle for a long time. I know this through things my husband has said and also comments made by themselves, it seems they aren’t happy I have this life whilst she is going to have a different life , for that reason they find reasons to make my life difficult and cause issues in my marriage. I don’t feel the need to move out as I feel we have enough space here and I think these issues would be the same even if we did move out. But I don’t know why they act like I’m the reason she is marrying that guy? I didn’t tell her to marry him and it’s not my fault these are our lives. I believe in kismat and I believe nobody can take what’s yours in life from you, it’s just fate.

How do I stop them getting to me? I think it’s pure jealously whether it’s my finances, my life, my career etc

An example of what they do (petty shit) - SILs wedding shopping, my MIL didn’t let me buy expensive outfits whilst her and her daughter bought the best outfits. It’s like they want me to be second best to them. I just thought okay ? I guess I’ll just buy them myself no problem, which they weren’t happy with either. They wanted me to just wear standard outfits but fashion is everything to me, and I have very unique taste. It’s just petty