r/IndianInLaw

Hi, good folks of the subreddit, I would really appreciate your take on this.

I am 42M, an ABD, married to an Indian guy who is 37. I will call him H from here on. H's brother (B) may have just lost a false DV and dowry case in India, and now faces homelessness. He has been reaching out to us for help, but H, who has been estranged from most of his family for years, has flatly refused. I care about H and respect that this is his decision to make, but I am not sure if it is my place to push for us helping his brother, so I am torn on that front. I am also genuinely confused about the legal side of things, so I would appreciate both kinds of perspective.

Some background. H lived in India until he was 22. His family includes his dad (D), his elder brother (B), B's wife (W, soon to be his ex), and their children. H's sister (S) is married and has moved out, and their mum (M) passed away a few weeks ago.

H is somewhat close to his accepting sister, but he is worlds apart from B and D, who are pretty conservative and religious. They are part of a right wing Hindu nationalist organisation and forced H to attend its local branch every week until he went to college. Since he came out as gay, things have gotten worse. D stopped speaking to him for a year, B tried to sign him up for conversion therapy style programs, and there has been constant gaslighting, manipulation, religious pressure, and a few instances of physical abuse. We visited them once every two or three years. To this day, they refuse to acknowledge me as anything more than a friend, which I am perfectly fine with, partly because they are so controlling and partly because I prefer to mind my own business.

They are fond of our son, who is biologically H's child. Their community is obsessed with having sons, and B has only daughters. When our son turned 7, the family visited for the first time in ten years, and D tried to sign him up for a thread ceremony. Neither of us is religious (H borders on atheism, and I do not care much either way), and we wanted our son to choose a religion, or no religion, for himself. When we refused, D and B made a huge scene and tried to take H back to India. That was the final straw, and H kicked them out and went no contact with them.

B's wife is a piece of work too. Things were initially smoother with this couple because theirs was an arranged marriage, and H's family could not stop gushing over her. She was mostly a stay at home mom and came from a wealthier family. Still, both of us were skeptical of her. She simply did not know how to keep it in her pants. During our visits, she would flirt with both of us. When confronted, she would brush it off, saying it was pretty common in India and that someone like her could cure us. She has apparently tried similar things with people from H's gym and other friends when he still lived in India.

Recently, S told us that W cheated on B, which sent the family into a legal spiral. B filed for divorce, and W countersued him with what he claims is a false dowry and DV case. B lost and now has to pay child support and maintenance. He was also laid off last year with very little in savings. For most of their life, the family has genuinely lived paycheck to paycheck. W's dad is a big deal in that organisation, which has effectively gotten B ostracised from it. D mortgaged the family home to cover expenses, and the family now faces the risk of homelessness if the payments are not brought current. In the past, D and B always refused whenever H offered to send them money. Now B has been trying to reach out to us through S, while H has outright refused to help. This puts me in an awkward spot.

While B has been an ass to H, I do not think he is capable of DV. He is just weirdly traditional. In fact, he has been fairly kind to H about things unrelated to his sexuality. I have helped the family several times through S and M. If M were still alive, I do not think H would be this unwilling to help either. I do not want H to look back on this later and regret it, but at the same time, I respect that H gets to decide how he deals with his own family, and I keep going back and forth on whether it is even my business to weigh in on this at all. I have tried talking to him about it, but he will not budge at this point, and since this is urgent, we cannot wait much longer.

That said, I am weirded out by the sequence of events. Since B claims he was cheated on and has evidence for it, I am surprised he lost the case. I have looked into fake DV and dowry cases on the internet, and it seems like a real and known issue. But is it actually that hard to establish in court? I would really appreciate some perspective on this.

My father-in-law keeps influencing my mother-in-law, who then shares those concerns with her daughter, my sister-in-law. Somehow, the issue eventually comes back to us as an argument.

My husband and I planned a family trip after discussing it with his parents. We went over the itinerary before leaving, made all the bookings, and paid for everything ourselves. They agreed to the plans and were initially excited about the trip. We never forced them to come or pressured them into participating in anything.

During the trip, they apparently became tired. If they had simply told us, “We’re exhausted and need some rest,” we would have immediately adjusted the plans. Their bedroom was literally next to ours in the same Airbnb, with our rooms sharing a wall. They could have easily told us.

Instead, they called my sister-in-law around midnight, and she called my husband at 3 AM, yelling: “Why are you taking Mom and Dad on so many trips? They’re exhausted! Are you a fool? Don’t you understand they can’t keep doing this?” My husband simply responded, “They never told me they were too tired. If they had, I would have changed the plans immediately.”

What makes this even more frustrating is that we were traveling with an infant who was already waking us multiple times throughout the night. The little sleep we were getting was precious, yet my husband was woken up at 3 AM to be yelled at over something that could have been resolved with a simple conversation. why does every concern have to pass through three people before it reaches the person who can actually fix the problem?

How do you break this cycle :
Father-in-law → Mother-in-law → Sister-in-law → Husband → Argument?

So I have dated my now husband for 8 years before getting married and it’s almost been 3 years for our marriage now.

We stay with his parents in a tier 1 city. Things were great in the start, but then things started going downhill. My SIL(40) also stays with us, MIL does each and everything for FIL and SIL, they don’t even take a glass of water by themself. We have a pet dog also brought in by my SIL. The dog is so aggressive, keeps barking loudly, doesn’t let anybody even enter the house (even my parents) , he has bitten people from the family itself, over pampered and still the in-laws justify the biting, MIL takes full care of the dog cause SIL is not bothered, and in absence of MIL, i am the first option who is expected to take care of the dog. I am expected to leave my work and be there for the dog because the dog can’t be left alone.

Now after 3 years i am starting to get irritated of the dog, it barks continuously for 10-15 mins straight, it affects me. There have been 2 incidents now where i have told MIL that i can’t leave my work and stay for the dog, instead i said ask SIL to take a leave.

Now MIL is giving me silent treatment, FIL is ignoring and not talking to me. It was my birthday last week, he didn’t even wish me. When I asked MIL why he didn’t wish me, she is like i dont know you ask him. So convenient. Otherwise my MIL is a super excited lady when it is anybody’s birthday.. reminding everyone to wish them.

I’ve conveyed all these things to my husband, he understands my side and he is too pissed with his father and not talking to him.

I don’t know what to do, such an awkward and unnecessary situation.

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I got married three months ago in what can only be described as a chaotic family. Mine is a love marriage, and thankfully, my husband has always been openly supportive of me. He takes a stand for me when necessary, which I really appreciate.

We recently relocated to Mumbai because my husband got a job here. This is a completely new beginning for both of us—we're essentially starting our life together from scratch.

For some background, my husband's elder brother is a typical overly pampered child whose wishes are given the highest priority in the family. His parents favour him in almost every situation, to the point where they sometimes create circumstances in which everyone else ends up suffering just to accommodate him.

His father established a business for the elder son, but things haven't gone smoothly. The business has resulted in multiple loans, financial stress, arguments, and constant tension at home.

I knew about all of this before getting married, so I was very clear with my husband that I did not want to live in that environment after marriage. I told him that I wanted us to have our own home and our own space. He completely agreed because he was also fed up with the environment at home.

Initially, we had planned to move out after about three months of marriage. It took quite a bit of convincing from my husband because his parents have always wanted the entire family to live together permanently. However, when my husband got a job in Mumbai, we ended up moving out after just two months.

Honestly, things have been peaceful since then. We're trying to build our life together, figure out our finances, settle into a new city, and simply enjoy being newly married.

A few days ago, however, something happened between my in-laws. My MIL apparently said something extremely disrespectful to my FIL, which led to a major clash between them.

Today, my MIL called me crying and asked whether she could move to Mumbai and live with us permanently.

I didn't know what to say. I simply told her that she should discuss it with her son because I wasn't in a position to give her an answer.

The truth is, I do not want her to move in with us.

My MIL has always been a very difficult person to deal with. She is extremely insecure when someone other than her receives attention, often speaks without thinking, and can be very selfish. She has also caused a lot of problems in her elder son's marriage by constantly complaining about and badmouthing his wife to relatives. Whenever she is confronted about it, she acts completely innocent and makes it seem as though she has done nothing wrong.

I have seen enough of this behaviour to know that I don't want to bring it into our newly established home.

My husband feels the same way. He doesn't want his mother to move in with us either. He loves her and obviously doesn't want her to suffer, but he also knows exactly what living with her is like.

The problem is that we don't know how to say no without creating an enormous family drama.

If we say, "We don't want you to live with us," it will probably be interpreted as me being the daughter-in-law who has separated the son from his parents.

If my husband says it, I'm worried she'll still blame us and create a drama behind the scenes.

We are not abandoning her. We are willing to help her in other ways, and my husband can obviously support her financially/emotionally if needed. But living together permanently is something neither of us wants.

So, Reddit, how do we handle this?

How can my husband and I firmly but respectfully tell his mother that she cannot move in with us permanently, without turning this into a huge family conflict?

TL;DR: My husband and I moved to Mumbai two months after getting married to escape a very toxic family environment and start our life together. His mother has now had a major fight with his father and wants to move in with us permanently. Neither of us wants that. How do we say no without creating massive family drama?

I found out that I’m having a boy, and I’ve felt a lot of disappointment and guilt for even feeling that way.
I grew up in a South Asian culture where having boys is often celebrated in a very particular way. I grew up in the U.S., so the differences between how my brother and I were raised weren’t necessarily obvious or extreme, but looking back, I do feel like there were subtle differences.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve actually become very close with my mom. I also see my mom and many of my aunties talk about how much they struggle with their sons, while turning to their daughters to vent, seek emotional support, and maintain that close relationship. It has made me realize how often daughters become such an important part of their parents’ lives and, statistically, are more likely to become caregivers and emotional support systems for their parents.
I became that person in my own family at a young age. As the older sister, I felt like I had to grow up quickly and support my mom emotionally through years of domestic abuse, while also supporting my brother through years of depression.
Now that I’m older, I think part of me really wanted the opportunity to raise a girl. Maybe there was a little girl inside me who wanted the chance to give her the kind of love, protection, and relationship that I wished I had experienced. And, honestly, because boys are celebrated so much in our culture, I didn’t want people to be especially excited for me simply because I was having a boy.
I never viewed one gender as superior to the other. I just had this particular dream of raising a daughter.
Then I found out I was having a boy, and everyone around me seemed genuinely thrilled. My brother especially wanted a nephew, and even my mom—who knew how much I initially wanted a girl—said to me, “Even though it doesn’t matter, people in our culture do get more excited when they find out it’s a boy.”
I know she probably didn’t mean it in the way it landed, but that comment really hurt me. I told her not to say things like that because she knows how I felt about wanting a girl. She reassured me that she doesn’t differentiate between boys and girls and that, even when she was younger and people’s opinions were much stronger, she was genuinely excited to have a daughter.
I believe her when she says that, but I still find myself wondering whether, deep down, she may have wanted a boy too, especially knowing that she does carry some internalized misogyny from the culture she grew up in.
And I think that’s part of why this has been so complicated for me. My disappointment isn’t because I think a boy is less valuable than a girl. It’s because having a daughter represented something deeply personal to me—maybe even something healing. And now I’m trying to separate my own feelings and experiences from the cultural expectations and gender dynamics I grew up around.
I know I will love my son. I already do. I just think I need to give myself permission to grieve the daughter I had imagined, without feeling like that makes me ungrateful for the baby I’m actually having.

Bf struggling to prioritise his wants/ needs and to prioritise over his toxic, gaslighting parents. What would you do?

28F (have no brothers) discussing with boyfriend (28M) about these customs where he is saying his parents won’t even fathom it.

A. How many of y’all were able to hyphenate mother’s last name with the father’s for your baby. (I know this is a common practice in the west)

B. How many of y’all decided to give mother’s last name as the middle name for the baby with father’s last name

I think a mother deals with so much from the day she gets pregnant to child birth and then some. It changes you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and it seems only fair that mother has some form of vote in the baby’s first AND last name.

Now I understand this is not at all common. But just want to know how often does this happen / how many mothers are able to stand up against patriarchy? Please also include if you live in India/Abroad

Edit - I don’t mind creating a new last name that’s a mix of both of our names/last names. Just want some form of equality in there so want to know how open are Indian men and their families are for this particular train of thought. Bf, rn, agrees with me but I’m afraid he will feel guilty later on for letting his parents down.

I am a non-Indian American girl and my fiancé is an American-born and raised Indian guy. We live together in a 1-bedroom apartment on a major US city and are supposed to get married in the spring. The only thing we have ever seriously argued about is hosting his family in our 1-bedroom apartment.

I'm wondering if it is going to destroy our relationship.

My fiancé is very keen to host family and has always stated that it is important for him. I like his family and am happy to spend time with them, but our apartment is not huge, and extended stays are a lot of work. I am an introvert and value my sense of peace and quiet in the evenings after work. When his family visits, I am constantly cooking, cleaning, or entertaining, and there's no down time.

We had a huge argument a couple months ago and came to the compromise that we could host his family for up to 10 days at a time (historically they have stayed for a month).

For his parents' next visit, I told my fiancé that I might go to visit my own parents in a different state for the second half of his parents stay. I would use the excuse that it's Thanksgiving week and I want to spend time with my own family. He said this would be interpreted as rude and cause a rift with his parents. He got super angry with me. He is never like this and I don't know what to do.

I feel like I have no freedom to do what I want and am worried it will only get worse. I am sad I gave up the freedom I had before. When we started dating, I was living alone in my own apartment I paid for and I worked very hard to gain that independence.

For context, I get along very well with his parents and they've been very accepting of me generally. They seem genuinely happy that I am in a relationship with their son. My issue is not with them, but with the expectations around hosting them, and my fiancé's own inability to acknowledge my discomfort in hosting them for extended periods of time.

I've also explained to him that I would be delighted to host his family for an extended period of time once we have a bigger house/apartment. The current apartment is just too small for hosting extended period of time.

I know this issue is a small one compared to some others I've read about in this subreddit but it's genuinely the only time I've had a major fight with my fiancé and I'm worried as we are supposed to get married in the spring. His lack of understanding and his anger concerns me. I'm also starting to question what our relationship looks like in 10 or 20 years once we have kids - will it always be his parents over me?

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This is going to be a long post. Got married & Settled abroad post marriage. He never attended our engagement and i was all alone standing and finishing the ceremony. Later i got to know from him that his mom told him not to spend on tickets. Things seemed fine initially. Since it was a covid wedding we never got a chance for a honeymoon immediately. We had to stay with in laws for couple of months. But the sad part is we never had a chance to go on a single date as a couple. His cousins and brother accompanied wherever we went. They were in our room watching movies till 12 AM. First time I went to my parents place post wedding his brother accompanied to celebrate his birthday with us. Finally when we moved abroad we had to call them once in 2 days and show every little purchase we made. I slowly started waking up and set boundaries but now I realised I should have done it day 1. Continuing the story now. We had multiple fights and everything was due to his family topic. As soon as we moved they started a topic of getting his brother stay with us and search for a job here. I said if there is a timeline of one month, two months etc its fine. They dint agree to commit and finally it dint work out. And couple of years later his dad passed away unfortunately. And 13 days ceremony we had to wash our hair thrice a day, clean the house by ourselves etc arc and i fell so sick on day 7. I dint expect my husband to take care of me but he dint even acknowledge my presence or me being sick. And worst part all his relatives blamed me for not giving a grand child. And after a point it gave me anxiety to even go there. So we were asked to travel again for 70th day or something..I stayed for couple of days and went back to my parents place scared to face those relatives. Later my husband made me apologise to his mom. But I also got to know from him that the relatives were saying that I should have done enough punya (holy things) to attend the 70th day. Looks like i dont have that enough. And finally i became pregnant. Throughout my pregnancy his mom kept torturing him mentally with some news or the other. She was telling his brother and sister in law will likely separate (while looked like it was just arguments and they were fine)..or she is having fever, his brother fell down and injured his shoulder (while he was out and about) this that so he was always stressed and guilty about his mom facing all this. And my SIL wanted to move to a separate house, 5 min away from my MIL and that became an issue. My husband dint make my pregnancy memorable. And now my child is 1.5 years and I have thyroid cancer. I recently went through a surgery and dint want to tell his side of family because its like a FM. So we just told his mom that its a removal i will let everyone know post surgery. She has now told his brother and his brother is asking why is he hiding such stuff and i told I am the one who is suffering and I get to decide when to tell folks. Now my husband is not talking to me. While he is a good man he keeps asking why can't I like his family. But I don't know what else I should go through mentally or I dont even know if I am overacting. Just let me know your thoughts.

When will the day come when married daughters can celebrate Diwali and other festivals with their own parents too?
I’m specifically asking girls who don’t have a brother, because the obvious patriarchal expectation becomes even more glaring in such families.
Why is it assumed that after marriage, a daughter’s place in her own family somehow changes? Why does she have to justify wanting to spend Diwali, Holi, Navratri or other festivals with the parents she grew up celebrating them with?
And more importantly, why is this choice expected from women but not from men?
Why does a married man get to continue celebrating festivals with his parents without anyone questioning it, while a married woman’s decision to spend a festival with her parents can become a matter of discussion, adjustment or negotiation?
And for families where there is no son, what happens to the parents? Are they just expected to spend every major festival without their daughter because she got married?
Especially for an only daughter, why should marriage mean that she can no longer be an equal part of her own family’s festivals and traditions?
I genuinely want to hear from women who are in this situation:
How do you handle Diwali and other major festivals after marriage?
Do you feel like you actually have a choice about where you spend them?
If you are an only daughter, do you feel an additional responsibility towards your parents?
Have you ever felt guilty for wanting to celebrate a festival with your own parents?
Why is marriage allowed to change a daughter’s place in her own family, but a son’s place remains unquestioned?
Would love to hear honest experiences, especially from women who have no brothers.

I’ve been married for almost two years. My husband and I were college friends first, then dated for several years before getting married. When my husband was a kid, their house was originally a kaccha house with tin shades, with no proper terrace. Before our roka, there wasn’t even a proper ceiling—during rains, water used to leak into the house and my MIL would have to keep buckets around to collect it. Between our roka and wedding, they did some renovation where they removed the tin shades and somehow put in a ceiling through some construction workaround. It was not a complete reconstruction of the house.
Even before we introduced our families, I had told my husband that if his parents were planning to renovate, they should do it before the wedding preparations started, because managing a wedding and renovation simultaneously would be financially, physically and emotionally difficult for everyone. Once they decided to renovate, I again suggested that instead of putting more money into the old house, they should consider moving to a basic 2BHK, especially since they have savings and land. I also specifically asked my husband to request his father to add another bathroom because there was only one, and the bathroom/toilet is right at the entrance and extremely tiny. I’ve literally hit my hand against the old tap while bathing because of how cramped it is.
Even after the renovation, there are still serious issues. The lane is extremely narrow and a car can’t properly enter, the walls are so thick that Wi-Fi barely works from one room to another, there are basic water-storage issues, and there is one portion where the ceiling is literally hanging and my MIL herself tells us not to step in that area because it could fall. I’m not asking them for a luxurious house—just a basic, safe and livable one. They have savings and land, and my husband is also willing to contribute.
My husband and I work in South India while our families are in North India, so whenever we visit our hometown, our time is limited. Earlier, I genuinely wanted to build a relationship with my in-laws and spend time at their house. But after everything that happened during and after our wedding, I no longer feel comfortable staying there. During our last visit, I stayed in my hometown for almost a month but stayed with my parents throughout and didn’t go to my in-laws’ house. They have apparently asked my husband whether I am willing to come there anymore.
One important thing: I am not directly having these conversations with my in-laws. Whatever communication is happening about this is happening through my husband. I have told him my concerns and boundaries, and he is the one speaking to his parents. There has been no direct confrontation or argument between me and my in-laws about the house.
I’ve now told my husband that if they expect me to come and stay at their house, I need a reasonably safe and livable space there. They’ve lived there for decades and are obviously accustomed to it, but I’m new to that environment, and I’m also a working woman. At the same time, whenever we come home, there has been an expectation that if I spend N days with my parents, I should spend N+1 or more days at their house because I’m the daughter-in-law.
I completely understand that it’s their ancestral home and ultimately their choice where they live. But I also feel that I should have a choice about where I stay. I’m not asking for luxury or trying to dictate their lifestyle. I just don’t want to stay in a place where I don’t feel comfortable or safe, especially when there is an alternative that they can realistically afford.
Is this an unreasonable boundary?
P.S. I used AI to help consolidate and organise everything I’ve written because there are a lot of details and I wanted to make the post readable. The situation and experiences described are mine.

I’m 29F trying to understand whether I’m being unreasonable or whether some of my in-laws’ expectations are actually controlling.

Right from the beginning, there have been several incidents that made me uncomfortable. During our engagement, they were very upset that my brother didn’t give his chair to my husband’s cousin when there weren’t enough chairs.
My fiance specifically told me that’s what’s expected from a girls brother to cater to boys family.
They were also angry that my father apparently didn’t “attend to” them properly during the party that we were hosting.

Another thing that came up was gifts. They told me that the sarees they had given me were not comparable to the sarees I had given them and that the sarees I gave them were “not of their level.” This really bothered me because I had given them gifts genuinely, not as some kind of status competition.

Then there was the issue with my Nani. They did not want her to come and meet them at the remaining family meetings/functions because they felt she was too frank and, according to them, did not show them the level of respect they expected. My husband went along with this and specifically told me not to bring my Nani to the next function.
P.S my Nani is my closest family member.

This is what is confusing me. They consider themselves progressive and modern, but a lot of their expectations seem to revolve around how my family should behave towards them, how much respect they should receive, what is considered an appropriate gift, and even which members of my family are acceptable for them to interact with.
I’m struggling to understand where the line is between having certain cultural expectations and actually trying to control my family and me.

Do these incidents sound like normal expectations/social etiquette in an Indian family, or does this cross into entitlement and controlling behaviour? I’d genuinely appreciate perspectives from people who have experienced similar dynamics with their in-laws.

They didn’t take any dowry but expects us to pay for the entire wedding.
Also about clothing they wanted me to dress very modestly for all the occasions which shattered my dream to wear things I always wanted to.

My elder sil and mil are super entitled. They don't get along with each other but both are united in pressuring my husband and me to cave in to all their demands.

They won't ask anything directly but mil will call us to send something to sil and vice versa. By not asking I mean they just take whatever they want when they visit without asking, and if sil wants us to do something, her mother will call my hubby and tell him that hey I am requesting you to buy me this. Later we find out she gave it to her daughter.

If my mil wants to go on a foreign vacation, my sil will ask my hubby to take her on that foreign trip, saying that this is the only help I want from you, take care of mom etc her daughters will join too, that mama please take care of Grandma she is all alone. She herself will do absolutely nothing for her mom. My mil will keep on denying that she wants to go. She will just say if you want to take me I will go.

If we refuse then both get angry with only me not my husband. I become the villain even when my husband is setting boundaries. They all continue talking to each other but give me the silent treatment to punish my hubby for setting boundaries.

Husband can't stop talking to his mom and sister of course, nor do I want him to. Note: I edited the post to clarify my situation based on the comments I got

Something interesting, and honestly a little concerning, happened in this group yesterday. I have no intention of asking for sympathy here. I just want to share an opinion about what I think this community should be about.

Most of us here are struggling with some aspect of our lives because of our Indian in-laws. Some of us have decades of marriage behind us and have a lot of experience navigating these dynamics. some of us are only beginning this journey. But regardless of where we are in our marriages, I think most of us come here looking for some degree of comfort, understanding and support from people who get it.

One particularly vulnerable section of this community is pregnant women. I'm part of several other communities where I get support around my pregnancy, but for many women here, pregnancy comes with an additional layer of complexity because of their in-laws and family dynamics. So forgive me, but I do feel somewhat protective of women who are navigating both at the same time.

My own pregnancy is high-risk and comes after years of IVF-related trauma. I know firsthand how hard-fought this pregnancy is for my husband and me. I also know more about the science and uncertainties around conception and pregnancy than I ever imagined I would, simply because of what I've been through. I was once advised to consider surrogacy. Today, I'm carrying my own baby and entering my second trimester. That feels enormous to me.

Coming to the point - yesterday, someone posted about struggling with her in-laws' reaction to her pregnancy after deciding to share the news with them within her 1st trimester. She was obviously stressed out. I could have written that post myself. Despite everything I've experienced with my own in-laws, I also chose to share my pregnancy with them once I had seen a heartbeat at around 8 weeks. Unlike a completely spontaneous conception, IVF can involve a lot of people knowing about the process, procedures and struggles that preceded the pregnancy. If my own family knew and celebrated this hard-fought pregnancy with me, I felt my husband should also have the opportunity to share that joy with his family.

The point is: we don't know why someone chooses to share (or not share) their pregnancy news. And I don't think that choice should be questioned or, worse, used to plant additional fear in someone who is already anxious.

I was initially going to simply wish the OP well and move on. But then I saw the top comment, which essentially said: Why did OP share their pregnancy already? Didn't she know that only 4 out of 5 pregnancies make it to the second trimester? The commenter also mentioned that she was pregnant herself but hadn't told anyone, so implied why did the OP? That genuinely irritated me.

Pregnancy outcomes cannot responsibly be reduced to a blanket statistic and applied to an individual pregnant woman, particularly without knowing her age, gestational age, medical history, pregnancy history, conception method or other relevant factors. IVF pregnancies themselves encompass a huge range of circumstances and outcomes. If you're not a medical professional, I think we should be especially careful about presenting pregnancy statistics (and even cultural practices like not sharing before 13 weeks) as definitive facts - particularly when we're saying them directly to someone who is already anxious about her pregnancy!!

So I replied to the commenter and politely pointed out that I didn't think it was appropriate to present that statistic as a reason for OP to feel like that they shouldn't have shared their pregnancy. What followed was completely disproportionate.

I was told to "shut up", "fuck off", called a "bitch" twice, "loser", "idiot", "attention seeking moron". All in a space of 2-3 comments from someone who had never met me and knew absolutely nothing about my circumstances.

Eventually I lost my patience too and questioned how someone could speak to another person that way over a disagreement. It did reflect very poorly on her and I questioned her extent of education and manners. She said she has a Master's degree in microbiology (amidst curses hurled at me, wow!) which again doesn't make her qualified in any capacity to give advice regarding pregnancy statistics.

I've since reported the abusive comments, so I won't be engaging with her any further. I am choosing to not explicitly state her username as a gesture of courtesy.

And honestly, I'm less angry now than I am sad and a little amused that two pregnant women in a community that is supposed to be about supporting each other couldn't have a disagreement without it turning into digital abuse and harassment.

I kept thinking about it afterwards, even though I had already decided not to engage. And I'm ashamed to admit that it kept me awake. Maybe it's pregnancy hormones. Maybe it's because this part of my life feels particularly vulnerable to me after everything I've been through. And I genuinely wonder: aren't we supposed to be here to support each other?

If someone is already stressed about her pregnancy, what do we gain by throwing scary, oversimplified statistics at her? If we see misinformation being used to frighten someone, shouldn't we be able to calmly point it out without it attracting abuses?

I know this is a long, somewhat rambling post. I think I just needed to get it out.

And I really hope this post doesn't attract another round of weirdness 😂 because at this point I may just have to disappear from Reddit until my own pregnancy is safely through. 🥲

My MIL is a 70 year old woman- but she constantly belches out loud. With a loud “Oh yah! “ sound. It’s really unsettling as I have misophonia as well. I’ve explained like basic manners when we first got married , like hey you can say excuse me after. And I’ve even asked like hey are you okay? Are you unwell? To which her answer is “
No it jsut makes me feel satisfied and like easy in my mind, likw it makes me calmer. And irs really really gross and unsettling. I mean how can you feel hot and sexy when you’re like woken up with a belch or like random times there is belching in the house. Like today - she came home from the temple , upon entering the house there was a large belch followed with an “
Oh yah “ — I mean it’s ridiculous. And I’ve spoken to my husband about this and he’s like she’s 70, like are we that immature to make people feel bad about burps? But it’s not about the burps - like there isn’t a medical
Need or like uneasy feeling. It’s genuinely like a coping mechanism for her it seems … like a mental health thing to do randomly in the day.

Am I wrong ? How do I even address?

Edit: she screams “ oh yah ! “ after every burp , it’s randomly all through the day, and it’s like a bit gross. Also - when I say it is a coping mechanism - she has anxiety and so I genuinely think she does this to cope with that. I’ve asked her previously - what is going on? Are you unwell? Acidity ? Nope the response is “ I’m fine it just makes me feel good emotionally to do it “

As for hot and sexy— the point is, it’s basic manners. If me and my husband are in our room or in living room and trying to be a tad romantic and normal, imagine having a woman scream loudly “
Oh yeah!” After her burp? And that too for no medical reason, just to “
feel Better emotional “ and if it was only mealtime or something I would get it. It’s upon waking up, it’s upon sleeping - ids during meal times. It’s a bit too often.

I’m 5 weeks pregnant with our first child. My husband and I are moving to another city in a month because he got a new job.

My MIL has always had major control issues, but her behavior lately has been completely unhinged. As soon as my husband told her about the new job, she started calling and scolding him, crying that we are "moving away just to avoid living with them." The absurd part? We already live separately in our own home! But to her, moving to a different city means completely losing her grip on us.

Yesterday, my in-laws came over. We established a firm boundary that when the baby arrives, my own mother will be staying with us to help me during early postpartum recovery. My husband explicitly backed me up in front of her, telling her, "She's the one giving birth, so of course she needs her mom." She tried pushing back, but we held firm.
Fast forward to this morning: the exact minute my husband stepped out to go to the gym, my MIL called my phone privately. She immediately launched into a calculated, passive-aggressive guilt trip:
"You said no to me coming for delivery. I am the boy's mother, how can you say no to me?"
"I know you don't like me, I can tell by how you keep distance."
Demanded I validate her feelings and confirm she was "right" for calling me to complain.
Subtly threatened me by saying if my FIL hadn't walked into the room yesterday, "who knows where she would have taken the conversation."
I didn't take the bait. I held my ground, kept my answers completely neutral, and refused to break my boundaries or apologize. When she kept pushing, I told her I couldn't engage with this conversation and hung up.

I am physically drained, dealing with early pregnancy acidity/anxiety, and furious that she waited for my husband to leave just to ambush me. My husband is ready to call her and confront her, but I am just so exhausted by the constant drama and manipulation.
How do I survive this , and how do I enforce strict low-contact so she never gets direct access to stress me out during this pregnancy again?

This isn’t the first time she is doing something like this. She has a habit of turning events for others into a shitshow for others. Which was the primary reason of me not involving her during my delivery.
At our wedding also she created a big ruckus over nothing, Insulted my family members most of which don’t even talk to me till now
She manipulated my husband for years till he finally saw it for himself when the manipulation was at its limit
I feel so trapped and scared
I have demanded that I go no contact with his side of family coz this drama will never end

I have a SIL who has been married to my elder brother for 2 years. She is 5 years younger than me, but because of traditional Indian family dynamics, her position as my brother's wife technically makes her "elder" to me.

Ours has always been a decent relationship one-on-one. Even though my family forces the "elder" dynamic on us, I’ve always treated her like a younger sister because she’s naturally naive and playful.

The problem starts during family rituals and festivals. My family treats her as the "head of the household" for these events, and she immediately lets the power go to her head and starts bossying me around.

For example, during a recent festival, I slept in a bit (which is normal at my own house). I noticed everyone giving me dirty looks, so I hurried to the kitchen. My SIL was already there, visibly pissed, and started barking orders at me. Because I wanted to keep the peace, I said nothing, took on the heavy lifting, and worked in the kitchen the entire day, even telling her to go rest.

Instead of appreciating it, she treated me like I was a "difficult" person for the rest of the festival and kept micromanaging me. Worse, my family—who usually never bothered me during religious functions—found it hilarious to watch my SIL boss me around. They started using her to test my "sanskaar." When I inevitably bought the wrong item for a pooja because I'm not used to these specific rituals, the whole family laughed at me.

I realized my family is intentionally pitting us against each other. What hurts is that my SIL is a willing participant in this power trip, even though she acts completely sweet and naive when it’s just the two of us. Because of this constant disrespect, I refuse to call her "bhabhi."

Now, my mother is furious with me, claiming I have terrible behavior and demanding that I respect my SIL like my own mother just because of family hierarchy.

Because of all this, I have distanced myself from my family entirely. I hate being disrespected over silly traditional power games. My husband found this very toxic and he has completely stopped speaking to SIL as she has multiple times treated us as inferior when we never deserved any of that.

How should I approach this situation moving forward?

I’m from Gwalior, Madhya Pradesh. Last December, I met a guy through an arranged-marriage setup. He’s an Army officer, and I found him decent, modern and open-minded, so I agreed to the marriage after one meeting because our families wanted us to decide quickly.
Over the next few months, we got close and planned to get engaged in July. I was completely honest with him about myself—I’m spiritual, feminist, wear Western clothes, occasionally drink, and had a boyfriend in college whom I couldn’t marry because our parents disagreed over caste. He knew all of this and acted completely accepting.
I also genuinely cared for him and his family. I gifted his sister things for her birthday, made him laddoos, and sent him care packages during his mountaineering course.
In February, our families had a small roka. His family demanded a car, and my family gave him a Creta worth around ₹14 lakh, along with an Apple Watch, AirPods, a gold ring for his grandmother and other gifts.
A few months later, shortly before our engagement, he suddenly said he didn’t want to marry me because our vibes didn’t match.
I accepted his decision. My family initially tried to convince him, but eventually we agreed to part ways. We simply asked for the money/property given during the marriage arrangement to be returned.
It has now been four months, and he has returned only around ₹4 lakh. He refuses to return the rest.
Instead, he has started telling our relatives about my past and portraying me as an “immoral” woman. Things I told him privately because I trusted him are now being used to shame me and my family.
My question is: what does my character have to do with returning money/property?
He has every right to decide he doesn’t want to marry me. I never forced him. But does that give him the right to keep everything my family gave him? And can he use my private personal information to damage my reputation and pressure my family into giving up their claim?
I understand that gifts/dowry have complicated legal distinctions, so I’m looking for practical legal advice, particularly from people familiar with matrimonial/property matters in Madhya Pradesh.
What should our next step be? And can his actions regarding my personal information amount to defamation or another legal offence?
Please keep the discussion focused on the legal situation rather than judging my personal life.

Suppose to be in parts but fuck it all in one.

So, I’ve been married for one year, and I have a few-weeks-old baby.
I have life-threatening allergies to almonds. Prior to getting married, I spoke to my husband about my allergies and how things were going to work while we lived with my in-laws. He had a conversation with his mom about it as well.
Fast-forward to a week before our wedding. I spoke to my husband again about my allergies, and he told me not to worry about it. He said there wouldn’t be any almonds in the house and that he would speak to his mom.
The next day, after all the wedding events were done, I went into the kitchen. In the drawer where we kept the roti flour and rolling pin, there was a small bowl full of almonds.
I was shocked to see this because we had already had this conversation, and I had been told there would be no almonds in the house. I took pictures of everything and spoke to my husband again. He spoke to his mom, and she ended up putting all the almonds in the pantry.
That didn’t solve anything.
With my allergy, it wasn’t enough to simply put the almonds away. They should have been thrown out. Any products or food containing almonds should have been removed from the house.
I had no other choice but to start using the kitchen downstairs in our area, which is a garage that was converted into a suite. It was originally a long, single-car garage.
The house also has a suite downstairs that belongs to my husband’s brother and his wife. They don’t use it, though. Instead, they use the upstairs kitchen and living room, which my FIL referred to as a “common kitchen” for all of us.
After having multiple conversations about my allergies, I eventually gave up and started adjusting myself to living in that environment.
Everyone in the house, including my husband’s brother and his wife, knew that I had a life-threatening allergy. We had even discussed it while sitting together for dinner at the house.
A few months after getting married, we found out we were pregnant.
While I was pregnant, I had to be extremely careful not to come into contact with almonds. I didn’t want to use my EpiPen and potentially cause complications. I understand that EpiPens are considered safe during pregnancy, but why would I want to put myself in a situation where I need one if I can prevent it in the first place?
We eventually told the family about the pregnancy. Honestly, I was very against telling them because I felt negative energy, but my husband wanted to share the news.
We told everyone before my in-laws left for India.
My mom had been telling me to eat fruit whenever I felt nauseous because I would sometimes dry heave when my stomach was empty. After my in-laws left for India, I felt more relaxed and less responsible for everything around the house.
Every DIL knows that feeling.
We actually had a good relationship. I never said anything unnecessary or disrespectful to my in-laws or my husband’s brother’s family. I come from a joint family, so I understand that sometimes you have to let things go.
I placed a box of kiwis upstairs in the fridge.
It hadn’t even been 24 hours since my in-laws left.
The next morning, I went upstairs to wash the dishes that my husband and I had left behind. When I went upstairs, I saw my SIL lying down on the sofa in the living room. I cleaned the kitchen and went downstairs.
Five to ten minutes later, she came downstairs to our suite with the box of kiwis that I had placed in the fridge. She handed them to me and told me, “I’m allergic to kiwis.”
I took the box from her, put it in our fridge, looked at my husband, and asked him, “Is that true?”
If I had known she was allergic, I probably wouldn’t have put the kiwis upstairs in the first place.
What confused me even more was that I had seen kiwis in the fridge plenty of times after I got married.
I was confused.
I had literally been upstairs washing dishes. The living room is right next to the kitchen. If someone is in the kitchen, the person in the living room would know.
So why wasn’t it mentioned then?
Instead, she waited until I went downstairs and brought the kiwis all the way down to me.
I felt disrespected by the action, and I felt like my allergies, especially while I was pregnant, meant nothing to her.
A week later, I found out that she was pregnant too, but she had kept it quiet.
I understand that her reaction could have been because she was pregnant. But that doesn’t mean my life-threatening allergy while I was pregnant suddenly meant nothing.
Her allergy is triggered by eating kiwis. My allergy can be triggered simply by coming into contact with almonds. If someone touches almonds and then touches a cabinet, and I touch that same cabinet, I can have a reaction.
Those are two very different situations.
After that, I stopped going upstairs.
I wasn’t going to allow someone to disrespect me when I had never disrespected them.
And honestly, she hates my husband and wants him to move out.
While my in-laws were in India, I threw out all the products that contained almonds, as well as the almonds themselves.
I filled a medium-sized black garbage bag with them.
When my MIL came back, I had a conversation with her and told her everything. She reassured me that this wouldn’t happen again.
Once they came back from India, that’s when they also announced that they were pregnant.
Sometime later, I was looking for white vinegar upstairs. While looking through a cupboard, I saw two bottles: one was almond shower gel, and the other was almond oil.
I was shocked.
These weren’t products my MIL would use. They were obviously kept there by my SIL.
My in-laws said, “Oh, it wasn’t open. There’s nothing to worry about. It was supposed to be a gift for someone.”
All of this sounded like BS to me.
If it was a gift, why was it sitting in the cupboard?
Keep that shit downstairs in your own kitchen or your own area.
The fact that it wasn’t opened doesn’t mean anything. Am I supposed to wait until it’s opened before I’m allowed to be concerned?
Usually, when she has gifts, she wraps them and puts them on the dining table.
Clearly, this didn’t seem like a gift to me.
Around this time, her cousin came to visit with her one-month-old baby. I think my SIL probably told her to use this product because maybe it helped with stretch marks. It’s actually a good brand and product—L’Occitane almond oil, if anyone is wondering.
After this, I was pissed off at my in-laws.
I still forgave them and my SIL for the sake of my mental health while I was pregnant.
She ignored me for a few days.
How is this my fault?
I shouldn’t be the one ignoring you? You’re putting my pregnancy at risk.
I later found out that my SIL and BIL were trying to play the victim card with my in-laws.
My BIL was saying, “I don’t come upstairs and chill. If I do, I only come for 15 minutes.”
LOL.
How am I supposed to stay upstairs and hang out when your wife has made me feel like shit?
For the first time, I placed something that belonged to me upstairs, and somehow I’m the problem?
I’m not risking my pregnancy.
My SIL would tell my FIL, “Oh, I want to take her to the mall and have a girls’ day. I want to be close to her.”
But it doesn’t seem like she actually wants to be friends.
It’s been seven years since my husband and I have been together. Not once has she ever said, “Let’s go out,” or actually made an effort to spend time with me.
Saying and doing are two completely different things.
Instead, my husband and I were always the ones trying to make plans with the whole family.
About a month before I gave birth, it was my BIL’s son’s birthday, and they had a celebration at a park.
Someone brought an almond ice cream bar—Häagen-Dazs.
I thought it was a KitKat ice cream bar because they looked similar.
In my mind, I never assumed there would be almond ice cream there after everything that had already happened.
Unfortunately, there was.
Luckily, I didn’t eat anything at the event. I was craving a box of pizza, so I was already full.
That same night, my husband was massaging my legs and feet. Before doing so, he had gone upstairs and eaten chips.
After he finished massaging my legs, they suddenly became extremely itchy.
I looked down and saw that I had hives all over my leg.
I was concerned that maybe I was allergic to coconut oil. Pregnancy can cause hormonal changes, and I wondered if that could have triggered some kind of reaction.
The same oil had also been used on my feet, but there was no reaction there.
I had a strong feeling that it was an almond reaction.
I didn’t touch anything.
Then I remembered the ice cream bar.
I had assumed it was KitKat, but I had to consider the possibility that it contained almonds.
I went upstairs to look for the leftover ice cream, and I found it in the freezer.
While I was upstairs, I asked my FIL, who happened to be in the living room, if the ice cream was almond ice cream.
My MIL was there too.
They asked me why I was asking, so I showed them my leg and said, “This is an allergic reaction to almonds.”
They were shocked.
At this point, I didn’t know exactly what had happened because my husband had already gone to sleep, so I couldn’t ask him.
I didn’t want to use my EpiPen immediately, so I waited to see if the reaction would get worse. If it did, I would go to the hospital or use my EpiPen.
Luckily, my throat wasn’t closing, and I was still breathing normally, so I went to sleep.
The next morning, I asked my husband what had happened.
That’s when I found out that it was most likely because of cross-contamination from the chips he had eaten upstairs. I also found out that the ice cream at the birthday party was almond ice cream.
That morning, I went upstairs and told my MIL what had happened.
After explaining everything, I went back downstairs.
I expected her to throw away all the food that had been at the party, including the ice cream.
Instead, she kept it.
She was actually giving the almond ice cream bar to her brother, who had come from India.
I walked upstairs while she was doing this, and she laughed because I was there and had reacted to it. She even told me to stay away from it.
Like… what?
I had literally just had an allergic reaction.
I expected the food to be thrown into the garbage, but that never happened.
I was so upset because I had actually reacted, yet the actions from my in-laws remained the same.
My BIL and his family had gone out of town for their son’s birthday, so they weren’t there the next day.
Since my MIL’s brother was staying at the house, I didn’t want to cause any problems.
Two days later, I left and went to my parents’ house.
I had no other choice.
I needed to protect my child and my mental health.
I was so upset and hurt by them.
I had done everything I could to be a part of this family, yet this is what I was getting in return.
Trust me, I had made chai, roti, and food for them. I had even massaged my MIL’s mother’s back when I was dating my husband. We would go visit her, ask how she was doing, and make an effort with everyone.
My SIL doesn’t do any of that, and everyone knows it.
She doesn’t even cook or make her husband’s lunch.
Nothing.
All she does is talk.
After I went to my parents’ house, my FIL and MIL didn’t call me once.
I eventually called my FIL and had a conversation with him.
I asked him to find out who brought the almond ice cream, but he didn’t want to do that.
Why?
Because he was the one who brought them when he went to Costco with his friend.
He made it seem like it was his friend who bought them.
I also told my FIL that my SIL is allergic to kiwi, and so is her son.
I said, “Your grandson has a kiwi allergy. What about my child?”
He responded, “You can’t compare yourself to my grandson.”
I told him, “I’m not comparing myself to your grandson. I’m talking about the child I am carrying.”
My almond allergy can affect my child.
My child has equal rights to your grandson.
Just because my child isn’t in this world yet doesn’t mean you get to disrespect the baby in my womb.
After my in-laws came back from India, they actually started being careful when they brought kiwis home from Costco. After grocery shopping, they would immediately take the kiwis and put them in our downstairs fridge.
I eventually wrote my MIL a message because I was extremely upset and mentally stressed.
There had been no follow-up call from either of them, and I felt like my FIL wasn’t listening to what I was saying.
I was pregnant and already dealing with enough stress.
She didn’t like the message. She told my husband about it and later said something nasty about it after my child was born because the topic came up again.
Now they want to see and spend time with my newborn.
They expect me to bring my baby upstairs.
I can’t allow that.
While my baby was still in my womb, both of us were disrespected by the entire family.
So your expectations of me allowing you access to my baby are out the door.
Do I feel bad that my baby doesn’t get to spend time with his paternal grandparents?
Yes.
But my mother’s instinct doesn’t allow me to ignore what happened.
I told my husband that if my MIL wants to spend time with the baby, she has to come downstairs.
She doesn’t want to because our suite is small.
And yes, it’s very small.
Meanwhile, my BIL and his wife have the entire house, except for one bedroom that my husband and I use for storage.
We barely have enough space for our own things, let alone all the baby items.
I even asked my FIL if we could use the downstairs living room, which technically belongs to my BIL.
My FIL asked my BIL, and they said they wanted the living room.
Instead of simply saying no, they gave my husband excuses like, “There will be too much noise upstairs. We vacuum, watch TV, etc.”
We are not stupid.
We live in a joint family.
Obviously, there is going to be noise.
When you had your son, you expected everyone to be quiet. You were constantly telling everyone to shush.
So why can’t we expect the same consideration now?
Why bring noise into this as an excuse?
I know my husband, and he would have turned them down if they had given him some ridiculous excuse.
That’s why I went out of my way to ask my FIL directly.
For the first time since getting married, I actually asked my FIL for the living room.
And I still feel completely disrespected.