u/Authentic_exAunty

Something interesting, and honestly a little concerning, happened in this group yesterday. I have no intention of asking for sympathy here. I just want to share an opinion about what I think this community should be about.

Most of us here are struggling with some aspect of our lives because of our Indian in-laws. Some of us have decades of marriage behind us and have a lot of experience navigating these dynamics. some of us are only beginning this journey. But regardless of where we are in our marriages, I think most of us come here looking for some degree of comfort, understanding and support from people who get it.

One particularly vulnerable section of this community is pregnant women. I'm part of several other communities where I get support around my pregnancy, but for many women here, pregnancy comes with an additional layer of complexity because of their in-laws and family dynamics. So forgive me, but I do feel somewhat protective of women who are navigating both at the same time.

My own pregnancy is high-risk and comes after years of IVF-related trauma. I know firsthand how hard-fought this pregnancy is for my husband and me. I also know more about the science and uncertainties around conception and pregnancy than I ever imagined I would, simply because of what I've been through. I was once advised to consider surrogacy. Today, I'm carrying my own baby and entering my second trimester. That feels enormous to me.

Coming to the point - yesterday, someone posted about struggling with her in-laws' reaction to her pregnancy after deciding to share the news with them within her 1st trimester. She was obviously stressed out. I could have written that post myself. Despite everything I've experienced with my own in-laws, I also chose to share my pregnancy with them once I had seen a heartbeat at around 8 weeks. Unlike a completely spontaneous conception, IVF can involve a lot of people knowing about the process, procedures and struggles that preceded the pregnancy. If my own family knew and celebrated this hard-fought pregnancy with me, I felt my husband should also have the opportunity to share that joy with his family.

The point is: we don't know why someone chooses to share (or not share) their pregnancy news. And I don't think that choice should be questioned or, worse, used to plant additional fear in someone who is already anxious.

I was initially going to simply wish the OP well and move on. But then I saw the top comment, which essentially said: Why did OP share their pregnancy already? Didn't she know that only 4 out of 5 pregnancies make it to the second trimester? The commenter also mentioned that she was pregnant herself but hadn't told anyone, so implied why did the OP? That genuinely irritated me.

Pregnancy outcomes cannot responsibly be reduced to a blanket statistic and applied to an individual pregnant woman, particularly without knowing her age, gestational age, medical history, pregnancy history, conception method or other relevant factors. IVF pregnancies themselves encompass a huge range of circumstances and outcomes. If you're not a medical professional, I think we should be especially careful about presenting pregnancy statistics (and even cultural practices like not sharing before 13 weeks) as definitive facts - particularly when we're saying them directly to someone who is already anxious about her pregnancy!!

So I replied to the commenter and politely pointed out that I didn't think it was appropriate to present that statistic as a reason for OP to feel like that they shouldn't have shared their pregnancy. What followed was completely disproportionate.

I was told to "shut up", "fuck off", called a "bitch" twice, "loser", "idiot", "attention seeking moron". All in a space of 2-3 comments from someone who had never met me and knew absolutely nothing about my circumstances.

Eventually I lost my patience too and questioned how someone could speak to another person that way over a disagreement. It did reflect very poorly on her and I questioned her extent of education and manners. She said she has a Master's degree in microbiology (amidst curses hurled at me, wow!) which again doesn't make her qualified in any capacity to give advice regarding pregnancy statistics.

I've since reported the abusive comments, so I won't be engaging with her any further. I am choosing to not explicitly state her username as a gesture of courtesy.

And honestly, I'm less angry now than I am sad and a little amused that two pregnant women in a community that is supposed to be about supporting each other couldn't have a disagreement without it turning into digital abuse and harassment.

I kept thinking about it afterwards, even though I had already decided not to engage. And I'm ashamed to admit that it kept me awake. Maybe it's pregnancy hormones. Maybe it's because this part of my life feels particularly vulnerable to me after everything I've been through. And I genuinely wonder: aren't we supposed to be here to support each other?

If someone is already stressed about her pregnancy, what do we gain by throwing scary, oversimplified statistics at her? If we see misinformation being used to frighten someone, shouldn't we be able to calmly point it out without it attracting abuses?

I know this is a long, somewhat rambling post. I think I just needed to get it out.

And I really hope this post doesn't attract another round of weirdness 😂 because at this point I may just have to disappear from Reddit until my own pregnancy is safely through. 🥲

Hi, I'm 12+0 today and found out that my urine sample culture came back with significant bacteria growth. I didn't have any symptoms but then again I was on a steroid course for the last 2 months, so that may have subdued the symptoms.

I've been promptly put on antibiotics for a week, and I'm kinda freaking out. The meds make me more nauseous (as if I needed more of that). My digestion is weird. Feeling just down and unwell. My NT NB scan is due tomorrow. While the RE doesn't think I need to reschedule, just knowing that I have a full blown UTI and having a long duration TVS is scaring me with fears of contamination.

Plus having to need antibiotics this early makes me feel like a failure. Like i somehow failed to be careful enough. I don't use public washrooms unless absolutely needed (maybe that's led to the UTI in the first place by holding on to pee occasionally). I am particular about hygiene down there and wear only cotton briefs, change them usually twice a day because I was on vaginal pessary too until very recently.

If you have any experience with UTIs please share. Other than enough hydration, what else might help me get through this?

I think the junior RE in my IVF team who is responsible for the paperwork got the calculated LMP date wrong for me and now just won't admit to it. I have checked everywhere possible online and everything says that it's 2 weeks for ovulation+age of the embryo transferred. So deduct 17 days from the transfer date for a D3 embryo and 19 days for a D5. Now this Dr. has just used the 2 weeks part of it. So in all my scans my LMP is 3 days ahead of what it actually is, so my GA is running 3 days behind, and baby is supposedly measuring ahead. Not a big deal maybe, but I'm also on steroids which I'm supposed to end by W12, and I don't want to run over even by 3 days. When I brought it up to her, she totally dismissed me and asked me to stop googling stuff. Am I wrong?!

I'm 38 yo. My embryos were frozen when I was 36. Baby is 10w+ now, heartbeat 168 and measuring 3.2 cm. In our 9.5w scan baby seemed to be moving limbs and flipping too. All reassuring so far. Baby is from a D3 embryo, so untested (I lost my only blast in one of my earlier FETs). But I can't stop worrying about the upcoming NT NB and NIPT. My age is advanced so the NIPT. I keep thinking about what will happen if the values are not ok. This is my first pregnancy, there's no family history of chromosomal defects afaik. Both my husband's and my karyotyping were normal when tested back while freezing embryos. Anyone with advanced age yet good results, please share so I can relax a little 😂

Hi all. First time here. I'm looking for recommendations on maternal fetal specialists based in Mumbai for my upcoming 13th week and future scans. I'm currently 10w under the care of my IVF team at Lilavati and their radiologist in Bandra, but I'd like to transition to a more Obstetric and fetal specialized practice after fertility and IVF. Any pointers would be appreciated.

Hi. I just started my W9. I've been weaning off estrogen and my last dose was today. my progesterone will continue another 3 weeks. I'm noticing occasional migraine like headaches, behind my eye one-sided and radiating around the back of the head, it feels pretty bad. So far my morning tea has helped and I've avoided taking any medication for it. Is that normal? Also I'm still in bed quite a lot. I get really tired, especially after meals. Eyes heavy n tired, dizzy, sleepy. I'm not pushing myself to exercise cuz it feels like my body needs the rest. I'm hoping this will resolve soon but worried if it impacts uterine circulation and just general flow of nutrients to the embaby. Is limited movement in the first trimester ok?

Hi all. It's been a while.

We have had a few medically intense months this year. My last IVF attempt seems to have taken and I'm now nearly 8 weeks pregnant. After a long battle with IVF and Stage IV endometriosis, along with several losses and disappointing outcomes in between, I know I should probably still be cautious about sharing this news. But honestly, I'm over the moon.

I recently turned 38, we've been married for 9.5 years, and there's been so much pain, hope, surgeries, tears and waiting behind this pregnancy that I don't want to live only in fear anymore. Once we saw our baby's heartbeat, we shared the news with our close family and friends on my side.

Now for the complicated part.

My husband and I have been no-contact with my in-laws for over a year. There was a lot that happened, and after years of trying to repair things, we eventually stepped away.

A few months ago, my husband also underwent surgery and was quite unwell afterwards. I felt that, regardless of everything that had happened, his parents should know. So when his father reached out to him informing him they were travelling to our city, I encouraged my husband to invite them over for a short visit. After all, my parents had spent months taking care of me through multiple surgeries and IVF and I felt it was only fair that he also got some time with his own parents.

That 20–30 minute visit unfortunately confirmed everything we had been feeling. They barely asked how either of us had been during one of the hardest years of our lives. The conversation revolved around why my husband needed surgery in the first place and updates about their own lives. I made only a brief appearance, exchanged polite greetings, and that was that. For context, my husband and I spent almost ten years living close to them. We were deeply involved in medical emergencies, family functions, errands, celebrations and supporting the family whenever needed. It was mostly one sided though. My ILs hardly bothered to be involved with our prolonged medical journey over the last 2.5 years. One of the biggest hurts for us was that they chose to move back to their hometown just before our very first embryo transfer, after helping their daughter through her delivery and once she had settled back with her in-laws. And they made a big scene about it. Totally wrecked us emotionally and my first embryo transfer failed after a month. Anyway, moving on.

Fast forward to now.

I'm on daily estrogen, progesterone, blood thinner injections, steroids and immunomodulatory medication. IVF pregnancy has been physically and emotionally intense. I constantly find myself worrying about whether the medications are affecting the baby, even though I know they're medically necessary. My parents have been staying with us for the past two months and will remain until my 13-week scan. The thought of them leaving already makes me emotional because I've become so used to the comfort of my mum being around.

Last week, a day after my birthday, we saw our baby's heartbeat for the first time. That day my husband's grandmother sent me a belated birthday msg. That was the only message i received from my husband's side of the family. I discussed with my husband and decided to share the pregnancy news with her, thinking perhaps the rest of his family would naturally hear through her rather than my husband having to individually inform everyone.

His parents called him to congratulate him. They wanted to visit, but because I'm currently immunosuppressed, my husband politely declined. My mother-in-law sent me a congratulatory WhatsApp message to me which I thanked her for, and in another impulsive moment I sent her our baby's very first scan photo. She replied warmly, saying it was beautiful, that they were looking forward to celebrating, and asked us to keep them updated.

Objectively, her message was kind. But I can't stop thinking about the fact that neither of the parents in law called me, or asked to speak to me when they spoke to my husband or really checked in with me. My sister-in-law, whose pregnancy, labour, delivery and early motherhood my husband and I were deeply involved in supporting, hasn't reached out at all.

Overall, I feel sad intermittently. I know how fortunate we are to finally be here after years of infertility, IVF, surgeries, endometriosis and heartbreak. Every day I remind myself that this pregnancy is the greatest blessing we've ever received, and I genuinely don't want to let anyone take away from that. At the same time, I think I was hoping that this news might repair something. That perhaps the prospect of their son becoming a father, and us finally reaching this milestone after so much struggle, might make them want to reconnect or become a little more emotionally proactive.

Instead, their response has felt superficial and polite. It has made me realise that perhaps I was still holding onto hope that this pregnancy would repair something that years of conflict couldn't. I also find myself worrying about what this means for our child in the future. Not because I think every grandparent-grandchild relationship has to be close, but I wonder whether I cost my baby a big family they could have had.

Maybe pregnancy hormones are amplifying all of this. Maybe it's because my own parents have surrounded me with so much warmth these past two months that the contrast feels even sharper.

Has anyone else found that pregnancy unexpectedly brought old family grief back to the surface? How did you stop hoping people would become different? How do you make peace with knowing that your ILs will never be the family your baby deserves?

Hi community. I went away from Reddit for a while to focus on my mental health. But these deaths in the last couple of weeks have me (and I’m sure many others here) deeply disturbed. They are symbols of behaviour that is horrifyingly common in many homes. impossible expectations forced down your throat and the pressure to “perform”, at the cost of one’s own mental health.

Women enter marriages hoping for companionship and family, only to inherit scrutiny and the burden of emotional (often physical and financial) labour. Why is the burden of adjustment placed almost entirely on daughters-in-law, in the name of tradition and “sanskaar”? Why is a woman expected to alter her identity, culture, personality and boundaries simply because she got married? And if she resists, she is labelled disrespectful, difficult or selfish. Even after she is dead??!!

I am lucky that my husband is not an asshole and that we have distanced ourselves from my in-laws. But even then, I have been struggling to process the many feelings these incidents have brought up. Leaving aside how the deaths happened (suicide/murder - I genuinely don’t know which possibility is worse), watching some of these in-laws speak and behave with such disdain, their tone, actions and body language, really shook me. Even in death, the entitlement and superiority complex remain intact.

I have so much respect for anyone who still lives under the same roof with problematic in-laws. But if you are struggling with your in-laws, you have tried everything you could and you are still being made the villain - please don’t suffocate yourself into silence. Don’t carry so much guilt that you begin wanting to disappear. And mostly, don’t stay anywhere the minute you feel unsafe. If the men and women close to you get it, they will support you. And if they don’t, then you know that you owe it to yourself to get out of that situation. Act first, explain later if needed. Strategise for your life the same way you would strategise for your health, career or children. Because this is your life at stake, not anyone else’s.

Sending much love to anyone else struggling here.