Am I over reacting for not allowing my baby upstairs with in law?
So, I’ve been married for one year, and I have a few-weeks-old baby.
I have life-threatening allergies to almonds. Prior to getting married, I spoke to my husband about my allergies and how things were going to work while we lived with my in-laws. He had a conversation with his mom about it as well.
Fast-forward to a week before our wedding. I spoke to my husband again about my allergies, and he told me not to worry about it. He said there wouldn’t be any almonds in the house and that he would speak to his mom.
The next day, after all the wedding events were done, I went into the kitchen. In the drawer where we kept the roti flour and rolling pin, there was a small bowl full of almonds.
I was shocked to see this because we had already had this conversation, and I had been told there would be no almonds in the house. I took pictures of everything and spoke to my husband again. He spoke to his mom, and she ended up putting all the almonds in the pantry.
That didn’t solve anything.
With my allergy, it wasn’t enough to simply put the almonds away. They should have been thrown out. Any products or food containing almonds should have been removed from the house.
I had no other choice but to start using the kitchen downstairs in our area, which is a garage that was converted into a suite. It was originally a long, single-car garage.
The house also has a suite downstairs that belongs to my husband’s brother and his wife. They don’t use it, though. Instead, they use the upstairs kitchen and living room, which my FIL referred to as a “common kitchen” for all of us.
After having multiple conversations about my allergies, I eventually gave up and started adjusting myself to living in that environment.
Everyone in the house, including my husband’s brother and his wife, knew that I had a life-threatening allergy. We had even discussed it while sitting together for dinner at the house.
A few months after getting married, we found out we were pregnant.
While I was pregnant, I had to be extremely careful not to come into contact with almonds. I didn’t want to use my EpiPen and potentially cause complications. I understand that EpiPens are considered safe during pregnancy, but why would I want to put myself in a situation where I need one if I can prevent it in the first place?
We eventually told the family about the pregnancy. Honestly, I was very against telling them because I felt negative energy, but my husband wanted to share the news.
We told everyone before my in-laws left for India.
My mom had been telling me to eat fruit whenever I felt nauseous because I would sometimes dry heave when my stomach was empty. After my in-laws left for India, I felt more relaxed and less responsible for everything around the house.
Every DIL knows that feeling.
We actually had a good relationship. I never said anything unnecessary or disrespectful to my in-laws or my husband’s brother’s family. I come from a joint family, so I understand that sometimes you have to let things go.
I placed a box of kiwis upstairs in the fridge.
It hadn’t even been 24 hours since my in-laws left.
The next morning, I went upstairs to wash the dishes that my husband and I had left behind. When I went upstairs, I saw my SIL lying down on the sofa in the living room. I cleaned the kitchen and went downstairs.
Five to ten minutes later, she came downstairs to our suite with the box of kiwis that I had placed in the fridge. She handed them to me and told me, “I’m allergic to kiwis.”
I took the box from her, put it in our fridge, looked at my husband, and asked him, “Is that true?”
If I had known she was allergic, I probably wouldn’t have put the kiwis upstairs in the first place.
What confused me even more was that I had seen kiwis in the fridge plenty of times after I got married.
I was confused.
I had literally been upstairs washing dishes. The living room is right next to the kitchen. If someone is in the kitchen, the person in the living room would know.
So why wasn’t it mentioned then?
Instead, she waited until I went downstairs and brought the kiwis all the way down to me.
I felt disrespected by the action, and I felt like my allergies, especially while I was pregnant, meant nothing to her.
A week later, I found out that she was pregnant too, but she had kept it quiet.
I understand that her reaction could have been because she was pregnant. But that doesn’t mean my life-threatening allergy while I was pregnant suddenly meant nothing.
Her allergy is triggered by eating kiwis. My allergy can be triggered simply by coming into contact with almonds. If someone touches almonds and then touches a cabinet, and I touch that same cabinet, I can have a reaction.
Those are two very different situations.
After that, I stopped going upstairs.
I wasn’t going to allow someone to disrespect me when I had never disrespected them.
And honestly, she hates my husband and wants him to move out.
While my in-laws were in India, I threw out all the products that contained almonds, as well as the almonds themselves.
I filled a medium-sized black garbage bag with them.
When my MIL came back, I had a conversation with her and told her everything. She reassured me that this wouldn’t happen again.
Once they came back from India, that’s when they also announced that they were pregnant.
Sometime later, I was looking for white vinegar upstairs. While looking through a cupboard, I saw two bottles: one was almond shower gel, and the other was almond oil.
I was shocked.
These weren’t products my MIL would use. They were obviously kept there by my SIL.
My in-laws said, “Oh, it wasn’t open. There’s nothing to worry about. It was supposed to be a gift for someone.”
All of this sounded like BS to me.
If it was a gift, why was it sitting in the cupboard?
Keep that shit downstairs in your own kitchen or your own area.
The fact that it wasn’t opened doesn’t mean anything. Am I supposed to wait until it’s opened before I’m allowed to be concerned?
Usually, when she has gifts, she wraps them and puts them on the dining table.
Clearly, this didn’t seem like a gift to me.
Around this time, her cousin came to visit with her one-month-old baby. I think my SIL probably told her to use this product because maybe it helped with stretch marks. It’s actually a good brand and product—L’Occitane almond oil, if anyone is wondering.
After this, I was pissed off at my in-laws.
I still forgave them and my SIL for the sake of my mental health while I was pregnant.
She ignored me for a few days.
How is this my fault?
I shouldn’t be the one ignoring you? You’re putting my pregnancy at risk.
I later found out that my SIL and BIL were trying to play the victim card with my in-laws.
My BIL was saying, “I don’t come upstairs and chill. If I do, I only come for 15 minutes.”
LOL.
How am I supposed to stay upstairs and hang out when your wife has made me feel like shit?
For the first time, I placed something that belonged to me upstairs, and somehow I’m the problem?
I’m not risking my pregnancy.
My SIL would tell my FIL, “Oh, I want to take her to the mall and have a girls’ day. I want to be close to her.”
But it doesn’t seem like she actually wants to be friends.
It’s been seven years since my husband and I have been together. Not once has she ever said, “Let’s go out,” or actually made an effort to spend time with me.
Saying and doing are two completely different things.
Instead, my husband and I were always the ones trying to make plans with the whole family.
About a month before I gave birth, it was my BIL’s son’s birthday, and they had a celebration at a park.
Someone brought an almond ice cream bar—Häagen-Dazs.
I thought it was a KitKat ice cream bar because they looked similar.
In my mind, I never assumed there would be almond ice cream there after everything that had already happened.
Unfortunately, there was.
Luckily, I didn’t eat anything at the event. I was craving a box of pizza, so I was already full.
That same night, my husband was massaging my legs and feet. Before doing so, he had gone upstairs and eaten chips.
After he finished massaging my legs, they suddenly became extremely itchy.
I looked down and saw that I had hives all over my leg.
I was concerned that maybe I was allergic to coconut oil. Pregnancy can cause hormonal changes, and I wondered if that could have triggered some kind of reaction.
The same oil had also been used on my feet, but there was no reaction there.
I had a strong feeling that it was an almond reaction.
I didn’t touch anything.
Then I remembered the ice cream bar.
I had assumed it was KitKat, but I had to consider the possibility that it contained almonds.
I went upstairs to look for the leftover ice cream, and I found it in the freezer.
While I was upstairs, I asked my FIL, who happened to be in the living room, if the ice cream was almond ice cream.
My MIL was there too.
They asked me why I was asking, so I showed them my leg and said, “This is an allergic reaction to almonds.”
They were shocked.
At this point, I didn’t know exactly what had happened because my husband had already gone to sleep, so I couldn’t ask him.
I didn’t want to use my EpiPen immediately, so I waited to see if the reaction would get worse. If it did, I would go to the hospital or use my EpiPen.
Luckily, my throat wasn’t closing, and I was still breathing normally, so I went to sleep.
The next morning, I asked my husband what had happened.
That’s when I found out that it was most likely because of cross-contamination from the chips he had eaten upstairs. I also found out that the ice cream at the birthday party was almond ice cream.
That morning, I went upstairs and told my MIL what had happened.
After explaining everything, I went back downstairs.
I expected her to throw away all the food that had been at the party, including the ice cream.
Instead, she kept it.
She was actually giving the almond ice cream bar to her brother, who had come from India.
I walked upstairs while she was doing this, and she laughed because I was there and had reacted to it. She even told me to stay away from it.
Like… what?
I had literally just had an allergic reaction.
I expected the food to be thrown into the garbage, but that never happened.
I was so upset because I had actually reacted, yet the actions from my in-laws remained the same.
My BIL and his family had gone out of town for their son’s birthday, so they weren’t there the next day.
Since my MIL’s brother was staying at the house, I didn’t want to cause any problems.
Two days later, I left and went to my parents’ house.
I had no other choice.
I needed to protect my child and my mental health.
I was so upset and hurt by them.
I had done everything I could to be a part of this family, yet this is what I was getting in return.
Trust me, I had made chai, roti, and food for them. I had even massaged my MIL’s mother’s back when I was dating my husband. We would go visit her, ask how she was doing, and make an effort with everyone.
My SIL doesn’t do any of that, and everyone knows it.
She doesn’t even cook or make her husband’s lunch.
Nothing.
All she does is talk.
After I went to my parents’ house, my FIL and MIL didn’t call me once.
I eventually called my FIL and had a conversation with him.
I asked him to find out who brought the almond ice cream, but he didn’t want to do that.
Why?
Because he was the one who brought them when he went to Costco with his friend.
He made it seem like it was his friend who bought them.
I also told my FIL that my SIL is allergic to kiwi, and so is her son.
I said, “Your grandson has a kiwi allergy. What about my child?”
He responded, “You can’t compare yourself to my grandson.”
I told him, “I’m not comparing myself to your grandson. I’m talking about the child I am carrying.”
My almond allergy can affect my child.
My child has equal rights to your grandson.
Just because my child isn’t in this world yet doesn’t mean you get to disrespect the baby in my womb.
After my in-laws came back from India, they actually started being careful when they brought kiwis home from Costco. After grocery shopping, they would immediately take the kiwis and put them in our downstairs fridge.
I eventually wrote my MIL a message because I was extremely upset and mentally stressed.
There had been no follow-up call from either of them, and I felt like my FIL wasn’t listening to what I was saying.
I was pregnant and already dealing with enough stress.
She didn’t like the message. She told my husband about it and later said something nasty about it after my child was born because the topic came up again.
Now they want to see and spend time with my newborn.
They expect me to bring my baby upstairs.
I can’t allow that.
While my baby was still in my womb, both of us were disrespected by the entire family.
So your expectations of me allowing you access to my baby are out the door.
Do I feel bad that my baby doesn’t get to spend time with his paternal grandparents?
Yes.
But my mother’s instinct doesn’t allow me to ignore what happened.
I told my husband that if my MIL wants to spend time with the baby, she has to come downstairs.
She doesn’t want to because our suite is small.
And yes, it’s very small.
Meanwhile, my BIL and his wife have the entire house, except for one bedroom that my husband and I use for storage.
We barely have enough space for our own things, let alone all the baby items.
I even asked my FIL if we could use the downstairs living room, which technically belongs to my BIL.
My FIL asked my BIL, and they said they wanted the living room.
Instead of simply saying no, they gave my husband excuses like, “There will be too much noise upstairs. We vacuum, watch TV, etc.”
We are not stupid.
We live in a joint family.
Obviously, there is going to be noise.
When you had your son, you expected everyone to be quiet. You were constantly telling everyone to shush.
So why can’t we expect the same consideration now?
Why bring noise into this as an excuse?
I know my husband, and he would have turned them down if they had given him some ridiculous excuse.
That’s why I went out of my way to ask my FIL directly.
For the first time since getting married, I actually asked my FIL for the living room.
And I still feel completely disrespected.