How can my husband and I firmly but respectfully tell his mother that she cannot move in with us permanently, without turning this into a huge family conflict?
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I got married three months ago in what can only be described as a chaotic family. Mine is a love marriage, and thankfully, my husband has always been openly supportive of me. He takes a stand for me when necessary, which I really appreciate.
We recently relocated to Mumbai because my husband got a job here. This is a completely new beginning for both of us—we're essentially starting our life together from scratch.
For some background, my husband's elder brother is a typical overly pampered child whose wishes are given the highest priority in the family. His parents favour him in almost every situation, to the point where they sometimes create circumstances in which everyone else ends up suffering just to accommodate him.
His father established a business for the elder son, but things haven't gone smoothly. The business has resulted in multiple loans, financial stress, arguments, and constant tension at home.
I knew about all of this before getting married, so I was very clear with my husband that I did not want to live in that environment after marriage. I told him that I wanted us to have our own home and our own space. He completely agreed because he was also fed up with the environment at home.
Initially, we had planned to move out after about three months of marriage. It took quite a bit of convincing from my husband because his parents have always wanted the entire family to live together permanently. However, when my husband got a job in Mumbai, we ended up moving out after just two months.
Honestly, things have been peaceful since then. We're trying to build our life together, figure out our finances, settle into a new city, and simply enjoy being newly married.
A few days ago, however, something happened between my in-laws. My MIL apparently said something extremely disrespectful to my FIL, which led to a major clash between them.
Today, my MIL called me crying and asked whether she could move to Mumbai and live with us permanently.
I didn't know what to say. I simply told her that she should discuss it with her son because I wasn't in a position to give her an answer.
The truth is, I do not want her to move in with us.
My MIL has always been a very difficult person to deal with. She is extremely insecure when someone other than her receives attention, often speaks without thinking, and can be very selfish. She has also caused a lot of problems in her elder son's marriage by constantly complaining about and badmouthing his wife to relatives. Whenever she is confronted about it, she acts completely innocent and makes it seem as though she has done nothing wrong.
I have seen enough of this behaviour to know that I don't want to bring it into our newly established home.
My husband feels the same way. He doesn't want his mother to move in with us either. He loves her and obviously doesn't want her to suffer, but he also knows exactly what living with her is like.
The problem is that we don't know how to say no without creating an enormous family drama.
If we say, "We don't want you to live with us," it will probably be interpreted as me being the daughter-in-law who has separated the son from his parents.
If my husband says it, I'm worried she'll still blame us and create a drama behind the scenes.
We are not abandoning her. We are willing to help her in other ways, and my husband can obviously support her financially/emotionally if needed. But living together permanently is something neither of us wants.
So, Reddit, how do we handle this?
How can my husband and I firmly but respectfully tell his mother that she cannot move in with us permanently, without turning this into a huge family conflict?
TL;DR: My husband and I moved to Mumbai two months after getting married to escape a very toxic family environment and start our life together. His mother has now had a major fight with his father and wants to move in with us permanently. Neither of us wants that. How do we say no without creating massive family drama?