Are my Indian in-laws progressive, or is this actually about controlling me?
I’m 29F trying to understand whether I’m being unreasonable or whether some of my in-laws’ expectations are actually controlling.
Right from the beginning, there have been several incidents that made me uncomfortable. During our engagement, they were very upset that my brother didn’t give his chair to my husband’s cousin when there weren’t enough chairs.
My fiance specifically told me that’s what’s expected from a girls brother to cater to boys family.
They were also angry that my father apparently didn’t “attend to” them properly during the party that we were hosting.
Another thing that came up was gifts. They told me that the sarees they had given me were not comparable to the sarees I had given them and that the sarees I gave them were “not of their level.” This really bothered me because I had given them gifts genuinely, not as some kind of status competition.
Then there was the issue with my Nani. They did not want her to come and meet them at the remaining family meetings/functions because they felt she was too frank and, according to them, did not show them the level of respect they expected. My husband went along with this and specifically told me not to bring my Nani to the next function.
P.S my Nani is my closest family member.
This is what is confusing me. They consider themselves progressive and modern, but a lot of their expectations seem to revolve around how my family should behave towards them, how much respect they should receive, what is considered an appropriate gift, and even which members of my family are acceptable for them to interact with.
I’m struggling to understand where the line is between having certain cultural expectations and actually trying to control my family and me.
Do these incidents sound like normal expectations/social etiquette in an Indian family, or does this cross into entitlement and controlling behaviour? I’d genuinely appreciate perspectives from people who have experienced similar dynamics with their in-laws.
They didn’t take any dowry but expects us to pay for the entire wedding.
Also about clothing they wanted me to dress very modestly for all the occasions which shattered my dream to wear things I always wanted to.