u/Professional-Pin9786

I can’t help but notice all these self centered things she does. For LO’s 1st and 2nd bdays, we did a nuclear family thing and had the best time. For #3, we did the same but also decided to have a small family party. I was dreading my mil somehow making it about herself or doing something to trigger me.

We had my family and SO’s family over. She did the same damn thing that she does all the time when she comes over…had LO on her lap the whole time to read a book..but who does that at a party? Everyone else just sat around quietly. So f-ing awkward. I had to say something to get LO’s attention so he could get down and run around. This is the exact thing I knew she would do if we hosted an actual party.

We also have a newborn who was in my arms the entire time. The very few mins I handed him to SO, mil went running to her phone and came and took pics of just SO and the baby. I was standing RIGHT THERE. Ugh. And then she comes over and touches the baby and says “hopefully he learns my voice soon”. I feel such rage around her when she does these things. Please tell me I’m not overreacting.

My oldest turns 3 this week. I’m also currently 4 weeks pp and because of that we didn’t plan to have a bday party for him. We decided to just have SO and my parents over.

I text mil. And her response is “are you going to invite SO’s brother and wife and their kids?” “They want to meet the baby and also see the toddler” So I respond no and that it was only going to be grand parents and I said I would text sil to plan a date for another time.

Mil then texts back “Ok text sil and let me know. We’ll be there! I can’t wait to have my boys and your boys all together lol! Time flies… pretty soon you’ll be planning for your grandchildren. Trust me it’s too fast!”

She is ALWAYS thinking about herself. Before there were any grand kids in the picture, it was always about her being a mom and how she wanted “her boys” to be together when she was trying to plan things for everyone to get together. Now it’s all about her being a grand mother. How come her being a mom was so important but now that I’m a mom, it’s still somehow about her. Am I over thinking this text? I feel like we always have to cater to her needs.

Before having kids, I really did think the world of her. She is sweet and caring. After having kids, I feel like she is a weight I can’t get off my shoulders. There is constant demand and pressure from her to come be with our kids. On top of working full time, managing our house, kids, social life, she has become a stressor. Having her around never feels like help because it feels like she’s only trying to meet her own selfish needs of having our toddler’s attention. It’s not that she’s a bad grandparent. She’s clearly great. But she only cares about her needs and because of that I don’t really want to be around her.

Over the phone today I heard her tell our toddler “guess what, we’re going to come see you on Sunday” (after we just saw them last weekend) to which my husband replied “we’ll have to check our calendar” ..so assuming she hadn’t asked him either. She no longer asks things…she tells us. Maybe I wouldn’t mind if visits felt like I mattered too..she acts like I’m invisible around my own child. How effing rude is it to just assume because someone’s home you will invite yourself over for your own selfish needs. I’m 4 weeks pp and not once has she truly asked me how I am or if I need anything..(she did once but she was hinting at coming over to take our toddler out after I specifically told her I wanted him to be with us to spend time with the new baby).

How do you deal with a mil like this? I’ve tried telling her things nicely before like I’m overwhelmed at the moment or that I need space or we are busy right now…she just seems to go ahead and do what she wants. She will push and push and push until she can get everyone to do what she wants.

I hate how much my mil tries to insert herself in things now that we have kids. And how she just makes herself the center of attention around them. Everything she did and said today that annoyed the crap out of me:

1. Walks in and sees me holding my 3 week old baby and the first thing she says is “oh is he sleeping? I’ll take him when he’s awake” …not a single word to me like how are you? How are you feeling? Also how f-ing entitled to say “I’ll take him” she says that sh*t to me all the time and I don’t acknowledge it.

2. I hear her talk to SO. She asks him how baby is sleeping and how if we are sleeping well. He tells her he’s doing fine but that I’m the one who is up all night and is tired. She never once asks me or talks to me about it.

3. She LOVES to take pictures every single week when she visits. I know it’s to send around to all her friends and family. I was sitting there holding baby, and my husband walked into the room and say next to our toddler. She immediately got out her phone to take a picture of SO and our toddler. She’s a total “boy mom” then wonders why I never want to spend time around her.

4. She asks me what toddler has going on tomorrow. I usually don’t share info with her but I told her he’s starting a camp tomorrow. Then I talked about how it’s big for us since it’s his first time and how I’m nervous. She asks “should I talk to him about it and get him excited for it” when I say sure, her next thing to say to him is “you can call grandma after camp and tell me all about it. Will you do that, you can FaceTime me and tell grandma about camp” and then she repeated this to him about 5 more times. I wish I never told her. This is an example of her making herself center of attention and inserting herself. She can never just be on the sidelines. Idk if this one is BEC.

5. Asks toddler more of what he did this week. Toddler went to see fire works, immediately she says “grandma loves fireworks!” Then toddler went to do yoga and right away it’s “grandma loves to do yoga” I’m so over her talking about herself in 3rd person to LO as if she is trying soo hard to be the most relevant person in his life.

6. Whenever she’s over, she walks in through the front door and the second she sees LO, the first thing she says is “wanna go read a book with grandma” yeah sure this is BEC. but I over analyze everything and to me it comes across like she’s trying to satisfy her needs. So she goes and picks a book from our pile. It’s a “how to be a big brother” book something got for us. As she’s reading it, she points to someone in the book and says “is that grandma? Yeah I think that’s grandma” once again. Something becomes about her and involves her.

Her personality is SO peppy. It’s just constant talking that feels like it’ll never end. It’s never productive conversation. Her talking has never made me feel like comforted in any way. I hated it before and now that I’m 3 weeks pp and running on little sleep, it’s even worse now.

I had baby#2 a week ago. She will not stop asking if she can come take my first to help me out. With our first, she acted in a way that made me not want to be around her. She was nice but just everything became about her needs and wants. She never asked about me.

This time, she keeps telling me over and over that she can come take my first (3 yrs old). I keep telling her no thanks, we are doing great and I look forward to spending time with him. Yet, she continues. Today she asked “do you need help with anything? Laundry? Cleaning? I can come hang with LO1” …..I don’t remember her once asking to help with this sort of stuff with my first. Again, I said no thanks. Then again, she said she can come take #1 to go out for ice cream. I say we’ll invite you next time we go. She is relentless. I’m trying to just be nice because neither of us are confrontational.

We have only been home for 4 days. She came over on the first day we were home. Now 3 days later, she’s asking if she can come over again. I’ve told her that I’m still very much recovering and need space for our family to adjust but if she really must come we are free tomorrow. Of course she responds “we’ll be there!” …I really don’t think she puts my post partum needs above hers. I am so grossed out by her giving us no space. I had her over the day we came home thinking we will just get it over with so we don’t have to have visitors for a bit. But nope. After this next visit I’ll be telling my husband she needs to chill out but I’m not sure how to go about this without causing an argument.

She’s nice and has food interiors but I just can’t put my finger on what it is about her that makes me so uncomfortable.

After we had our first baby, she became super overbearing and I felt overwhelmed by her constant need to be around us and baby. We recently had baby 2 and mil is already texting me that she can come get our first to give me time to nap. I said thanks but I’m okay and I even mentioned how I’m so excited I get to spend so much quality time with our first now while I am on leave. I told her I’ll let her know if it gets crazy and I need help. She says it doesn’t need to get crazy for me to call her and that she wants to spend time with our first because time flies when they’re little. I ignored her. I don’t care about her needs. I don’t care that she thinks this is her chance to swoop in and take over with our first. This is the “help” that I do not want from her. I knew she was going to do this. Am I crazy to find her offer for help just a bit selfish?

While I was in the hospital, she sent several texts telling me she loves the baby, can’t wait to meet him, etc. Told me I looked gorgeous in pictures but never asked how I was. Idk if I’m overreacting in feeling weird about that?

After we had our first, I saw these tendencies in her where she was very self focused, so that’s why it brought up all the memories of what she said and did after we had our first. Anyway, during their visit today (we just came home from the hospital 3 hours earlier) I already don’t want to pass baby around but the second I pass him to fil, mil jumps up and says “time for me to get my phone” …these pics of her and baby have to be sent to EVERYONE. Just for comparison, my family visited shortly after and not one person took pictures. I felt like they respected our post partum space. So I happily took pictures for them. I knew mil’s main focus was getting pictures with baby to send to everyone. Idk why that really bugs me. (Maybe would bug me a tint bit less if I was included in even one pic).

Things she said that pissed me off:

When baby was crying, “do you want me to rock him?”

I said no thanks I’ll go feed him. Then after he fell asleep on me, she says “next time I’ll hold him longer” and then this one really irks me “I’ll take him” as if she’s entitled to my baby. She has 0 awareness..like I said we came home from the hospital today. Zero conversation about me and how I’m doing and just zero chill…she has to be talking to the baby the ENTIRE time. Pleaseee stfu. She has to be signing to him, talking to him, she does not stop as I find myself so irritated with her. I absolutely cannot stand being around her and watching her hold my baby. Thanks for listening to my venting.

Edit: mil has already offered to help by taking my first, a toddler. I want to say no thanks I want to spend time with him and that’s not helping me, it’s helping your needs.

We are expecting #2 very soon and one of my biggest stressors will be my mil I just know it. With my first, she asked many many times if she could visit at the hospital. I ended up saying sure. Turns out it wasn’t me she wanted to visit. I had a long labor and c section..she walked in to my hospital room and said whole looking at the baby “and this is who we’re all here to see” lol she did turn to me and say hi. But am I wrong to think if you’re visiting a new mom you ask about her first? Check on her? Acknowledge her?

The over the course of months she did other things like telling me that my baby’s first word won’t be mama, it’ll be dada and she at one point cried because my baby didn’t know who she was (mind you this is a 12 month old), she would walk into our house and expect to hold him..when he cried in her arms and I took him back, she would say “will he cry with you too?” It felt like she never acted like I was the baby’s primary go to person.

SO is a people pleaser so unfortunately the visit from her won’t be long after I have the baby. I’m so nervous about her being in my space and most of all I’m worried she’ll take over with my first since I’ll be busy with #2. Of course the help is nice, but she doesn’t help me with the intentions of helping me..her intensions are self focused and she’s fulfilling her own needs. Otherwise she would’ve truly helped me with #1 instead of asking me to hold the baby the minute she saw me every single time.

For Father’s Day yesterday, SO, LO and I had plans. In the morning, SO gets a call from mil and I can just tell what it’s regarding. She asks if we want to go over their house for dinner. I tell SO that we already have plans and wasn’t expecting to go to their’s. SO himself is a problem which I’m aware of because he can’t just say no to his mom. Mil texts us to invite us over for dinner then ends with “no pressure.” After SO texts back that we are busy, she texts back pushing and asking why it isn’t a good time to go and how we never go visit at their house (we see them weekly btw at our house), and she even told him the last time we were there and how it’s been 6 months. So much for “no pressure”

The reason I never want to go over is because of her “no pressure” guilt trips. She has this idea in her mind of how she wants LO at her house to do all these fun things and because it’s not happening, she’s upset. Like I mentioned, they are over at our house weekly (sometimes planned, sometimes they’ll text us to ask to drop by).

SO and I were having a fun morning together until she called to ask him to come over and then sent all those texts. I hate that we live so close to them that they are constantly asking us to do things and will not just take no for an answer. It’s like mil expects us to operate on the same schedule pre baby - every invitation, every holiday has to be a yes when asked. I hate that she is constantly texting us things to do together saying “LO will like this.” I feel smothered by her need to be involved.

Am I misunderstanding what the term “no pressure” means?

She does it in very subtle ways and I think I’m the only one who notices.

Today, FIL was showing LO a video where I was the main person being filmed. The purpose was to show LO a video of me doing something fun. As we’re watching the video, mil chimes in “look there’s grandpa. And look there’s your dad” nothing about me. It’s like she tries to push everyone else on him and get focus off of me.

Every thing she says and does shows me how much she cares about her own needs when it comes to LO. She makes me feel this feeling that no one else does. Like she’s trying to compete with me. She never once talks about me to LO and I compare her behavior to my mom who talks to LO so much about SO’s entire family including SO, mil, fil.

Normally I vent in the mildlynomil sub, but recently I’ve realized a lot of my stress comes from SO enabling mil. After we had our first LO, mil/fil became extremely involved to the point it just felt like they felt entitled to our time. The ask to do things with them is constant and I’m always the one saying no. SO will try to make it work even when it’s inconvenient, making me feel like he values his mom’s feelings and comfort over mine. Mil is another story who is pushy and self focused, so I cannot just say yes to her every ask letting her steamroll me as a mom.

For context: SO’s family owns a vacation home about 2 hours from where we live. We used to go often, maybe 3-4 times a month just us. We no longer go because I know we will no longer have privacy as his mom will want to join on trips now and I cannot be in a house all day and night with her. I’ve told SO this many times that I don’t want to share a space overnight with anyone really. Of course she still continues to ask over and over and I continue to tell SO that I’m not comfortable with it. Mil is also the type to hover over me and not give me and my child any space, so there’s nothing enjoyable about being away on vacation with her.

Currently: I planned a couple days away for my parents to vacation about 2 hours away. For various reasons, they don’t drive long distances and do not vacation (as ILs do, but I know that’s not on anyone). My parents do a lot to help with LO, so I figured we would go and that way we can bring them. They are happy hanging out at this space (we have separate living arrangements). Then SO, LO and I would do our own thing. Never in a million years would my mom ask to tag along on anything we do. Mil has multiple times asked to tag along on things we do. I asked my parents if they want to do anything and they said no you guys go enjoy your time. If this was mil, she would have a whole itinerary and I would have to try to figure out ways to get me and LO away from her so that I could enjoy my time with her too. My parents respect SO as LO’s dad and have never tried to take focus away from him in a group setting.

SO on the day of the trip: “my mom is going to be jealous” “make sure to tell your mom not to send any pictures to my mom” (his mom sends pics of her doing things with LO to my mom and of LO with her family all the time and my mom responds happily, my mom hardly ever sends pics), “don’t post any pictures to social media because if anyone sees them they’ll tell my mom and my mom will ask why we don’t vacation with them”

It upsets me how concerned he is with making his mom happy and I definitely feel he even slightly prioritizes her comfort over mine because he’ll argue with me to get us to change plans for her. Please tell me him saying all this ain’t normal. Maybe I’m in the wrong because I have a lot of feelings of anxiety around his family.

Every visit with this woman triggers me somehow.

Mil: I sent pics of your LO to my friend and she responded that he looks like me!

Even my SO who normally agrees with everything his mom says made a face at that.

I said nothing in response. Please. Exactly what kind of response do you expect when you tell parents that their baby looks like you. Such an ick.

Edit: for context everyone..friends, family, strangers.. tells me LO looks like me. I, someone with dark Latina features, look absolutely nothing like my white green eyed mil 🤷‍♀️

With baby #2’s due date approaching, I’m getting very nervous about my mil. Our relationship went downhill after our first LO was born. Now I feel like I tolerate being around her. She made me feel like all she cared about was LO..acted grossly entitled and never once asked about me, as if I stopped mattering the second I gave birth. All this time I’ve been able to limit visits by taking LO away for naps or whatever else when it’s been long enough and then they leave. But with #2, idk if these 2-4 hour visits will still be mil and fil’s thing. What do people think is an appropriate amount of time to visit and then it’s time to go without the host having to start hinting.

Right now they visit weekly to biweekly. And randomly drop in some days. I limit these visits by just leaving the house with LO. But with baby. #2 I can’t do that so now I’ll be seeing them whenever they want to come, which is already overwhelming me.

With baby #1 I learned that my mil knows no boundaries, she shares everything with everyone. Everything baby related that I told SO was shared with mil. I didn’t mind too much because I figured he has every right to share with his family. But then the texts and constant baby updates from his mom started. I felt like she was treating me like I was some incubator - constantly asking me “how many more weeks left?” And would constantly remind me “6 more weeks!” “5 more weeks” and then came the day of labor - came to find out my SO was texting his mom updates every time the doctor gave me an update (over a span of 36 hours). She knew when I dilated from 3 to 5 to 9 cm. That bothered me a little because I felt first that he should’ve been unplugged and that he didn’t need to update his mom every little minute and should instead have been fully present with me. Second, it bothered me because maybe my mil should’ve known better and said hey maybe I’ll leave you guys and you should go be present with your wife instead of calling and texting me throughout the entire labor. I only found out about this because my mil was texting my mom “she’s 9 cm!!” As if it’s some spectator show. My mom expected 0 updates so she had no idea what was happening, just that I’d call after baby arrived, which I did.

For baby #2, I was soo hesitant sharing the due date with my SO. So I lied. I gave my mil a due date a few weeks out and I also told my SO the same. Because I panicked. And then the lie continued and I didn’t know what to do. The only people who knew my real due date were my parents and coworkers who are all the most chill people who understand boundaries. Eventually I realized this was not right and I texted my SO and told him that the baby’s due date was adjusted and told him the actual due date. I said how I did not want to share this with anyone because I didn’t want to be bombarded with texts asking if baby was here. He acknowledged that. I saw mil today and she said “so I heard your due date moved up!” I know she’s told her parents and idk who else she has told. She also fully expects to be at our house the day we arrive home from the hospital so now I know that as we get closer to my due date, this is all that will be on her mind.

So, do I have a right to be angry over this? Am I being too controlling? I know it’s his baby too. I don’t want to be mean and feel like I’m stealing his joy but I want to tell him he cannot share updates this go around during labor.

SO wasn’t happy that I didn’t want to make plans with his mom for Mother’s Day. Instead I suggested day before or after. He did not like that. But we settled on it. It already set me up for a disappointing Mother’s Day because I knew he had nothing planned. He did get me a thoughtful gift of printed pics of me and LO, a nursing dress I sent him the to want since I’m pregnant and chocolate. It’s all very appreciated. I’m not a materialistic or high maintenance person. The rest of the day is on me to plan if I wanted to do anything. I’d give him a pass on that but he is going all out planning to make a dinner for his mom and grandma who are coming over tomorrow. He won’t stop talking about how he has a big grocery shop to do and listing off all the dishes he’s making (he hasn’t cooked at home in ages). I asked him what’s for dinner tonight and he listed of something that’s a frozen ready eat item in our freezer (which is our fav food..but feels like 0 effort). I’m jealous that he’s putting so much effort into planning and cooking a dinner for his mom, but has 0 plans for us. So I told him I didn’t want to eat that and he said “well then idk what you want to eat” so I’ll plan dinner now by either making or ordering out. From the get go he showed more excitement about having his mom see LO for Mother’s Day than for me. I feel awful and like I’m giving off ungrateful vibes for the gifts he did get me. But it just feels like it falls short when he’s genuinely excited to put more effort in for his mom vs for me. And he’s planned out dishes for tomorrow that I can’t even eat because I don’t eat meat. I just feel too many feelings.

Just want to add: I’d be completely fine with this meal too. I do like it. It’s just that he knew that this day requires just a bit more because he clearly knew to do it for his family. I think it’s bugging me that when it comes to our LO, he’s more excited for his mom to have a good Mother’s Day with LO.

Ever since we had our first LO (now 2.5 yrs old), the only thing causing friction between me and SO is my mil’s needs. You can see my previous posts in the mildlynomil sub. First off, SO is not a bum..he’s hardworking, takes care of the house, cleans, stocks it, does his fare share and more. I always find him falling for pressure from his mom to get together ever since we had LO.

Mil will ask us to do something, I say no, he feels pressured by her and then be and I fight. According to him, if we say no to an invitation, we need to offer an alternative soon after. Fair. But it’s just all the time. This happens around every holiday. Now he’s starting to make me feel like he’s actually prioritizing his mom’s desires to get together vs our nuclear family plans. My first Mother’s Day, he said “what are our Mother’s Day plans? I’m sure my mom will want to see the baby” and I realized I’ll have to make plans because I didn’t want to spend it with his mom.

This will be our 3rd Mother’s Day. I’m due with baby #2 in 2 months. I had already preplanned Mother’s Day because I knew if I didn’t it would become about his mom. And it sure did. He asked me “what’s our Mother’s Day plan?” Then asked if his mom can come over after LO’s nap. I said no to all of it and said they can come another day. So of course we had a little argument and agreed on day after. But it’s the fact that he’s more concerned about getting his parents and LO together than he is celebrating me. Idk if it’s asking a lot to have him prioritize me. I know I’m being stubborn and I could easily say sure we’ll see your mom too, but his mom is a whole diff story and would intrude on every family moment if given the chance so I have to be the one to say no to her demands. Idk what I’m looking for. I think just venting. Seeing if anyone can relate.

SO always seems so content after we do something with his parents. I don’t see that same contentment when it’s just me, SO and LO. We recently had an outing with his parents and he even told me “that’s how I envision a nice weekend.” I’m afraid he is putting me in a headspace where I’ll never feel happy and will always feel this pressure from both his mom and him.

My last post kind of leads me to this. My mil is always pushing our son (2.5 yrs old) to his dad.

It started literally when he was born and I noticed all of these actions of hers. Ex: when LO was a day old, he was crying in someone else’s arms. I took him back and he immediately stopped, my mom said “wow look at that even a day old baby knows who mom is” to which my mil chimed in with a laugh “and he knows who dad is!” Then when LO was 4 days old, he was crying and instead of just giving him to me, she said “oh do you wanna go to your grandpa? Do you wanna go to your dada?” Like fuck off and just give him to mom. My husband had to say “give him to mom.” She has never once just handed my baby back to me. She’ll try to hand him to anyone else.

Then up until now it’s always “has he said dada yet?” “where’s your dada?” “There’s your dada?” And now that LO is talkative, she gets SOO happy when she hears LO say anything that starts with “daddy, ______”

It’s so annoying. She makes me feel like a third wheel around my own kid and I avoid being around her because of this. Wondering if other boy moms are like this.

She’s a sweet lady, not the evil kind of mil, so she’s always made me feel like family and cared for. But VERY much has always been about family time. It never bothered me as much until we had our first baby because now my time is more valuable to me and her constant pressuring to get together was too much for me.

When LO was around 2 weeks old, she said to him while holding him “I hope your mom knows your first word won’t be mama, it’ll be dada because all babies say dada first” honestly, my heart felt this sinking feeling when I heard her, but I brushed it off as just teasing me. And then she said the same thing again to him a week later. And then she started saying it to me “you know his first word won’t be mama right? It’ll be dada” and I just felt rage on the inside but I smiled on the outside. I wish I spoke up and told her it would be nice to hear positive encouraging words as a newly postpartum mom. LO is now 2.5 and I feel this sense of ick whenever he says grandma and she gets SO happy. Like she tried to minimize this little joy for me instead of being supportive, but somehow she is priority.

Idk how to overcome this resentment. My LO is the biggest sweetheart and obviously had such innocence, he says everything with so much joy. But I hate hearing her name and seeing her excitement. We are due with #2 soon. I almost hope she says this same thing again so that this time I can respond to her and not care about her feelings on this issue.