u/Professional-Pin9786

With baby #1 I learned that my mil knows no boundaries, she shares everything with everyone. Everything baby related that I told SO was shared with mil. I didn’t mind too much because I figured he has every right to share with his family. But then the texts and constant baby updates from his mom started. I felt like she was treating me like I was some incubator - constantly asking me “how many more weeks left?” And would constantly remind me “6 more weeks!” “5 more weeks” and then came the day of labor - came to find out my SO was texting his mom updates every time the doctor gave me an update (over a span of 36 hours). She knew when I dilated from 3 to 5 to 9 cm. That bothered me a little because I felt first that he should’ve been unplugged and that he didn’t need to update his mom every little minute and should instead have been fully present with me. Second, it bothered me because maybe my mil should’ve known better and said hey maybe I’ll leave you guys and you should go be present with your wife instead of calling and texting me throughout the entire labor. I only found out about this because my mil was texting my mom “she’s 9 cm!!” As if it’s some spectator show. My mom expected 0 updates so she had no idea what was happening, just that I’d call after baby arrived, which I did.

For baby #2, I was soo hesitant sharing the due date with my SO. So I lied. I gave my mil a due date a few weeks out and I also told my SO the same. Because I panicked. And then the lie continued and I didn’t know what to do. The only people who knew my real due date were my parents and coworkers who are all the most chill people who understand boundaries. Eventually I realized this was not right and I texted my SO and told him that the baby’s due date was adjusted and told him the actual due date. I said how I did not want to share this with anyone because I didn’t want to be bombarded with texts asking if baby was here. He acknowledged that. I saw mil today and she said “so I heard your due date moved up!” I know she’s told her parents and idk who else she has told. She also fully expects to be at our house the day we arrive home from the hospital so now I know that as we get closer to my due date, this is all that will be on her mind.

So, do I have a right to be angry over this? Am I being too controlling? I know it’s his baby too. I don’t want to be mean and feel like I’m stealing his joy but I want to tell him he cannot share updates this go around during labor.

SO wasn’t happy that I didn’t want to make plans with his mom for Mother’s Day. Instead I suggested day before or after. He did not like that. But we settled on it. It already set me up for a disappointing Mother’s Day because I knew he had nothing planned. He did get me a thoughtful gift of printed pics of me and LO, a nursing dress I sent him the to want since I’m pregnant and chocolate. It’s all very appreciated. I’m not a materialistic or high maintenance person. The rest of the day is on me to plan if I wanted to do anything. I’d give him a pass on that but he is going all out planning to make a dinner for his mom and grandma who are coming over tomorrow. He won’t stop talking about how he has a big grocery shop to do and listing off all the dishes he’s making (he hasn’t cooked at home in ages). I asked him what’s for dinner tonight and he listed of something that’s a frozen ready eat item in our freezer (which is our fav food..but feels like 0 effort). I’m jealous that he’s putting so much effort into planning and cooking a dinner for his mom, but has 0 plans for us. So I told him I didn’t want to eat that and he said “well then idk what you want to eat” so I’ll plan dinner now by either making or ordering out. From the get go he showed more excitement about having his mom see LO for Mother’s Day than for me. I feel awful and like I’m giving off ungrateful vibes for the gifts he did get me. But it just feels like it falls short when he’s genuinely excited to put more effort in for his mom vs for me. And he’s planned out dishes for tomorrow that I can’t even eat because I don’t eat meat. I just feel too many feelings.

Just want to add: I’d be completely fine with this meal too. I do like it. It’s just that he knew that this day requires just a bit more because he clearly knew to do it for his family. I think it’s bugging me that when it comes to our LO, he’s more excited for his mom to have a good Mother’s Day with LO.

Ever since we had our first LO (now 2.5 yrs old), the only thing causing friction between me and SO is my mil’s needs. You can see my previous posts in the mildlynomil sub. First off, SO is not a bum..he’s hardworking, takes care of the house, cleans, stocks it, does his fare share and more. I always find him falling for pressure from his mom to get together ever since we had LO.

Mil will ask us to do something, I say no, he feels pressured by her and then be and I fight. According to him, if we say no to an invitation, we need to offer an alternative soon after. Fair. But it’s just all the time. This happens around every holiday. Now he’s starting to make me feel like he’s actually prioritizing his mom’s desires to get together vs our nuclear family plans. My first Mother’s Day, he said “what are our Mother’s Day plans? I’m sure my mom will want to see the baby” and I realized I’ll have to make plans because I didn’t want to spend it with his mom.

This will be our 3rd Mother’s Day. I’m due with baby #2 in 2 months. I had already preplanned Mother’s Day because I knew if I didn’t it would become about his mom. And it sure did. He asked me “what’s our Mother’s Day plan?” Then asked if his mom can come over after LO’s nap. I said no to all of it and said they can come another day. So of course we had a little argument and agreed on day after. But it’s the fact that he’s more concerned about getting his parents and LO together than he is celebrating me. Idk if it’s asking a lot to have him prioritize me. I know I’m being stubborn and I could easily say sure we’ll see your mom too, but his mom is a whole diff story and would intrude on every family moment if given the chance so I have to be the one to say no to her demands. Idk what I’m looking for. I think just venting. Seeing if anyone can relate.

SO always seems so content after we do something with his parents. I don’t see that same contentment when it’s just me, SO and LO. We recently had an outing with his parents and he even told me “that’s how I envision a nice weekend.” I’m afraid he is putting me in a headspace where I’ll never feel happy and will always feel this pressure from both his mom and him.

My last post kind of leads me to this. My mil is always pushing our son (2.5 yrs old) to his dad.

It started literally when he was born and I noticed all of these actions of hers. Ex: when LO was a day old, he was crying in someone else’s arms. I took him back and he immediately stopped, my mom said “wow look at that even a day old baby knows who mom is” to which my mil chimed in with a laugh “and he knows who dad is!” Then when LO was 4 days old, he was crying and instead of just giving him to me, she said “oh do you wanna go to your grandpa? Do you wanna go to your dada?” Like fuck off and just give him to mom. My husband had to say “give him to mom.” She has never once just handed my baby back to me. She’ll try to hand him to anyone else.

Then up until now it’s always “has he said dada yet?” “where’s your dada?” “There’s your dada?” And now that LO is talkative, she gets SOO happy when she hears LO say anything that starts with “daddy, ______”

It’s so annoying. She makes me feel like a third wheel around my own kid and I avoid being around her because of this. Wondering if other boy moms are like this.

She’s a sweet lady, not the evil kind of mil, so she’s always made me feel like family and cared for. But VERY much has always been about family time. It never bothered me as much until we had our first baby because now my time is more valuable to me and her constant pressuring to get together was too much for me.

When LO was around 2 weeks old, she said to him while holding him “I hope your mom knows your first word won’t be mama, it’ll be dada because all babies say dada first” honestly, my heart felt this sinking feeling when I heard her, but I brushed it off as just teasing me. And then she said the same thing again to him a week later. And then she started saying it to me “you know his first word won’t be mama right? It’ll be dada” and I just felt rage on the inside but I smiled on the outside. I wish I spoke up and told her it would be nice to hear positive encouraging words as a newly postpartum mom. LO is now 2.5 and I feel this sense of ick whenever he says grandma and she gets SO happy. Like she tried to minimize this little joy for me instead of being supportive, but somehow she is priority.

Idk how to overcome this resentment. My LO is the biggest sweetheart and obviously had such innocence, he says everything with so much joy. But I hate hearing her name and seeing her excitement. We are due with #2 soon. I almost hope she says this same thing again so that this time I can respond to her and not care about her feelings on this issue.