I don't know what to do

I'll try and keep this short. My husband (M24) and I (F27) have been together for 10 years. He's always had a temper, but it's always been doable. (I'd like to express I have never been physically harmed). The last year or so, it's gotten worse. He can lash out for no reason, often even when I'm not around, so it has nothing to do with me directly. We rarely ever fight. He doesn't yell at me or anything, but starts throwing stuff until it breaks. Mostly it is my stuff. He never cleans it up either, occasionally I come home and find the mess and have to clean up. I lost track, but I probably already spent hundreds replacing stuff he broke out of my own pocket. My dog gets scared, starts howling and cowering away or behind me if I am around when this happens. Talking to him or confronting him when he gets like this makes things worse. When he gets like this, I often get insulted by him. He calls me things like a useless whore, a bitch, a cunt,... The issue is, I can't leave. Due to my business going bankrupt three years ago, I don't have the financials to find a place for myself and get out. I also don't have my driver's license yet so it would be difficult as is (I do have my learner's permit, but we share one car so I can't just take it and leave). I do have another job now, but it does not pay even half of what my husband earns, yet all our bills are split 50/50, meaning I barely have any savings and live from paycheck to paycheck while he has a lot of savings. He often holds this over my head. I love him, I really do, so I am not even 100% sure I want to leave. But I also know this is not going to get better. He's starting to genuinely scare me, and I'm getting worried about my wellbeing. Does anyone have experience with this, or solid advice on what to do? I can't involve my family, considering they live kind of far away, and if I'd go stay with them, I can't make it to work anymore. I'd rather not involve his family either, because i know that will get back to him and make matters even worse. I'm lost and I don't know what to do.

TL;DR: My husband has frequent angry outbursts where he breaks things, insults me, and scares both me and my dog. I can't easily leave because of finances and I'm looking for advice on how to safely handle this situation.

We’re both in our mid 30s no kids. I went no contact with his family a year ago after repeated mistreatment for 5 years. I asked him if he could go to the parade with me and the dogs and then can join his family later as they all celebrate all major holidays together and never cared enough to ask why I stopped going. Even worse they assumed I hate them all when in fact my husband knows the truth but denies any of it happened to me and thinks I’m just overreacting. I even went to therapy and learnt he’s enmeshed with his family. He treats me ok otherwise but when it concerns his family he doesn’t care if I’m alive or dead alone at home.

When I asked him if he could go to the parade with me and the dogs and then can join his family later, he got overly nervous and sweaty and asked why was I doing this to him. I said I’m an immigrant and been in America well over a decade. Most important I’m his wife. Can’t he offer to spend time with me for the first hour of the uninterrupted long day he will have with his family? Does a regular normal man do this to their wife? He came to the parade anyway throwing tantrums and just with a terrible attitude.

Feel like I’m going nuts so the justno might be me. I talk to my partner about things that bother me, and everytime I get the whaaaa?? I’m just joking or whatever, what do you want me to do?

It’s been going on for so many years and I’m at the point of frustration. Our daughter is having behavioral issues and I’ve been telling him for years that his disagreeing and undermining me, and all the misogynistic jokes, even the way he walks up to me to touch me inappropriately in front of them, the stupid jokes he makes about my body and other things in front of our two young kids, are causing major concerns.

He says he will talk to her when he comes home and then his smug ass makes a joke about how it’s my job to pick up his dirty laundry all over the house in front of her. I get the “whhhaaa I said a code word” meaning instead of “your job” he said “I thought it was baby’s job.” Everything is dismissed, always. I am also having major issues with pain in my knees, caused mostly by a specific action of his that forced me to start putting more weight on one leg so mobility is a problem at this time. I also used to do his laundry but stopped after he wouldn’t put them away himself after I folded it for years.

I smushed the sandwich he just unwrapped and walked away.

(was an aitah post but didn't wanna reformat it)

I genuinely felt guilty so please bare with me. The initial incident happened about a year ago. It took some time for me to write this. My ex (22F) and I (22F to keep it simple) had been in a relationship for 4 years. We'll call her Annah. She had asked in the beginning if I was fine with polyamory and I agreed to try it. We of course laid some ground rules, boundaries. The main thing I wasn't comfortable with as a lesbian was her having intercourse with men and visible hickey's. She said it wouldn't be an issue for her as she was terrified of getting pregnant.

Fastforward a little and she is now dating 4 or 5 guys and I am the only one with female anatomy. I ask her about it and she says she's just pickier when it comes to women. I let it slide. But about 2 years into the relationship I had to move from the area for school and i was working at the same time. It was only an hour and thirty minute drive, but after doing that every weekend it can take a toll. So after about a year of that I cut back cause I could feel the tiredness in my bones, but we would still talk on the phone or play games together. And I would still visit her irl, just not as often.

Now we're to last year. I start to notice a pattern where she'd say she was going to spend time with someone and would go silent for hours. Her own mother couldn't get in contact with her, let alone me. And every time she would be with one of her other male partners. Her excuse was always that her phone died and she only just got a charger for it. It never made sense to me how it seemed to happen almost every time she was out with a male partner. She also felt like she was distancing herself from me. She suddenly didn't want to hangout on the phone anymore or play games together. I would stream anime or kdramas for us to watch and she stopped wanting to do that too. Those were my first red flags for what might have been happening behind the scenes.

We stopped spending as much time together, and it's not like she could just visit me some instead because she didn't have a car. Annah and one of her partners that now lives closest to her started spending more time together. We'll call him Keris. I had considered him a friend and we all watched chainsawman as it released together. The biggest turning point that I think I remember is when the movie 'Sinners' came out. I think it was the longest time she ever went silent while out with someone. Even her mother was worried. Upwards of 5 or 6 hours, no contact with anybody.

I never confronted her because I wanted to believe that she wouldn't cheat on someone since she had been cheated on before and how much she said she hated it. She told me countless times that polyamory was about open communication. How even in a poly relationship if you don't communicate your intent, it was still cheating. She would constantly talk about the bad rep Bisexual people had and how she wanted to change that, but instead did the opposite. That night I cried my eyes out, but didn't break up with her because I had no proof. I didn't want to accuse her and be wrong, so I waited.

Around June of 2025 is when I found out. She hadnt been feeling good and went to the doctor with her mom. The doctor told her she was pregnant. That night is when she called me to tell me. I was on discord watching demon slayer with my mom cause she wanted to catch up. She texted me and asked if we could talk. Me being willfully ignorant and naive assumed we would finally get to spend some time together. So we called and she said to me, verbatim, that she's pregnant and she thinks it's from hugging Keris too much. A grown adult tried to convince me that he had semen on his pants and because they hugged too tightly it got her pregnant (her explanation).

I bawled my eyes out having conformation of her cheating and hung up. I couldn't believe either of them would do that to me. The next day I confronted Keris and he said Annah told him I was ok with it. And so I asked why he didn't confirm that with me and he had no explanation for it. Throughout the process of me interrogating both of them Annah was mostly unresponsive. She would text but not really answer any of my questions or show screenshots of their chats. Keris on the other hand was a lot more open to communication since he was apparently lied to.

He sent me screenshots of her talking about how great "it" was in his car after seeing the movie Sinners. I knew it. But to speed things up she called me a traitor for saying I wanted to break up with her. When I confronted her with the prior evidence from Keris she said it was because of dissociative identity disorder (she is not diagnosed) and said it was an alter (alternate personality) that slept with him four times not her. She then started saying how it's not cheating if you're in a poly relationship even though she was the one teaching me about poly relationships and had said in the beginning that it was cheating.

I'm confused and betrayed. I didn't want to write a whole book so I didn't include everything she did to me through the four years, but i probably never should have let it go on for so long. She said I betrayed her and made her rethink our relationship by breaking up with her. What did I do wrong? Am I the asshole?

(i'd be willing to give more detail on what I went through in an update if it's wanted but only in bullet form of everything I looked past or previously forgave)

TL;DR: gf cheated and got pregnant by close mutual, thinks im a piece of shit for dumping her

Have been married for 18 years, 5 kids blended family. Both dual military but I retired 10 years before he did. I have been a SAHM for the last 10 years. He took a job 3 years ago in another state and has been commuting home on the weekends. He now works remotely from home but occasionally has to travel for a few days a week.

In April of 2024 we had a massive fight where he threw things that ended up hitting me in the face. He didn't throw them directly at me but it ended up hitting me anyway. I didn't speak to him for two weeks, and after that he told me he wanted a divorce. This went on for a year and a half with me begging for marital counseling, I didn't want the divorce. He refused counseling with me but eventually decided he didn't want to divorce.

Fast forward, he has a drinking problem. He acknowledges he has a problem, goes to AA then drinks again . Cycle continues. In this time he has says he will never leave me again. He financially supports everything but I do get a small retirement check. We are supposed to travel for my 50th birthday this month, something I've been looking forward to all year. Sunday was family day, he got drunk and was mean. I had a biopsy scheduled for the next day and did not want to be stressed. So now im in pain and awaiting the results. I realize he was drunk again today, called him out. He got mean and nasty to the point I threatened to call the police.

He basically said he drinks to be happy. That I dont do anything around the house, I dont get out bed when he does, I dont have any ambition or goals. He said all I want him for is money. In reality I dont think he actually likes me, because who does this when their loved one is in pain and already stressed about their health. I was literally on the floor bawling my eyes out, and he says, "why are you crying, why are you acting like the victim. " " Maybe if I throw money at you you'll stop crying.'

I left the house. He texted that he was going to an AA meeting and that he sent a notice to his job that he's quitting. He said we can both be at home to focus on the kids and everything might get better.

I need to leave but I do not have enough to rent an apartment, plus pay utilities and food and insurance. Now he quit his job so no insurance there or any support. I do not want to be in this house with him . Also, the trip is already booked and paid for but now I dont want to go with him.

Just wanted to vent, if you read all this, thanks.

My husband and his family treated me terribly postpartum. They did so much that it felt like they were trying to destroy my mental health. Somehow, they didn’t break me. I kept my head up and focused only on taking care of my baby. Right now, him and I are basically just roommates living together. Our only connection is our son. I just focus on baby I wouldn’t even say he focuses on the baby I do everything. I breastfeed, give him solids, co sleep, and take care of him day and night. He has never even changed one diaper. I’m doing it all on my own… I still live with him because my family is far, and this is my home too. I’ve put my own money, time, and effort into this home it’s not just his. Right now I’m not working, and he is.
Recently, while I was basically just ignoring him and focused on raising our baby, he begged me to be back with him . He said he hated how distant I’d become, that I didn’t even say hi to him anymore, and that we barely spoke despite living in the same house. He admitted that most of that distance was because of the things he’d done. He cried, apologized over and over, and begged me to be good with him again. He kept saying this wasn’t good for our son and that we should be a happy family. Because he brought up our son, I agreed to try couples therapy.
Today we went to our second session first session was was introduction I hadn’t slept all night because baby didn’t sleep well, but I still didn’t cancel the appointment. He, on the other hand, was well rested and showed up dressed up I looked like I hadn’t slept in months. Therapist is young our first session was on telehealth second session in prison.
I went in with an open mind because I genuinely wanted to work on our issues.
Instead, this man lied about everything.
At home, he had admitted to all the hurt he caused and took responsibility for it. In therapy, he defended every single thing he’d done and made it seem like I was exaggerating or making it all up. I was honestly in shock.
What’s the point of going to therapy if you’re just going to lie?
He stayed calm the entire session and bragged about himself about how hard he works to support me and our baby. He made himself look like the perfect husband. The therapist even seemed to take his side. I wasn’t there to convince her that I was right, so I mostly stayed quiet while he painted himself as the most Perfect man, perfect dad and husband… he doesn’t even hold baby and the therapist told him he sounds like A great dad! . She laughed with him, smiled at him, maintained eye contact with him, and asked him about his work. I didn’t feel comfortable at all.
At the end, she scheduled another session for next week. When we got back to the car, the first thing he said to me was, “You tried to make me look bad by telling her all that, but it didn’t work.”
The entire ride home, he talked about how much he loved the therapist and how he couldn’t wait to go back. Then he argued with me about everything I had said during the session. His tone completely changed from how he’d acted in therapy.
This isn’t what I want.
I’m going to cancel the sessions tomorrow. I disrupted my son’s nap schedule, feeding schedule, and our entire day because I truly wanted this to be a fresh start. Instead I felt manipulated and gaslit all over again.

Me and SO have 4 kids together- 2 school age and 18mo twins. Every summer his family comes in town and EVERY SUMMER - there is no discussion about how long they are staying.

So. Start of freaking week three here.

He goes to work all day - I’m home with the twins - big kids are at camp. He took a few days off when they first got here - other than that he goes to work all day and get to come home and be revered as the glorified son who goes to a job all day.

His dad is great just picks up the kids from camp and keeps to himself.

His mom kind of exhausts me. Like I’m not a big talker - and she likes to start conversations and I’m literally like……stop talking.

Still don’t know when they are going home. He too scared to ask them

He forgets to tell me he is on call for work - but somehow he told his parents. Tells me he forgot he was on call - oh but your mom knew?! Had to go see a patient after work one day - ok cool that’s fine just send me a txt like “ hey will be home around 6 - have to go to hospital. Asked him why he didn’t say anything - he says he lost track of time.

We have 4 kids together. I’m just at a loss - I don’t even know what to feel anymore. I could just leave and I guess he would be fine running the house with his parents….right? Especially since they are never going to go home - or at least I will not be told when they are going home unless I press him to ask them - which is like the most impossible thing in the world apparently.

I’m going to be talking about all of this with my therapist this week, but the more I’ve been reflecting on the last 10 years, the angrier I get. I think I’ve reached the point where I don’t really care if this makes my husband look bad. If someone doesn’t want to be described as someone who did hurtful things, then they probably shouldn’t have done hurtful things.

Before we ever started dating, I made one thing very clear. I told him that I didn’t want to pursue a relationship unless he was on board with the fact that I was eventually going to move away, most likely to the opposite side of the country. At the time it was something I wanted for my future, and I made sure he knew that before we became a couple. He told me he’d always wanted that too, so I believed him.

A few years into our relationship, I started noticing that nothing was actually happening. There was no planning, no saving, no researching, no conversations about making it happen. Eventually I accepted that if I was ever going to have that future, I’d probably have to make it happen myself.

Then, at the beginning of 2023, everything changed.

For years, moving had been something I wanted. After everything that happened with my family, it became something I genuinely felt like I needed.

I have CPTSD, and a huge part of it is tied to this area because it’s where the trauma happened. The biggest turning point was when I tried to get a restraining order against my own mother after years of abuse. The court denied it because she hadn’t made direct threats against my life. Walking out of that courthouse was my breaking point. That’s when I told my boyfriend that I was done waiting and that I was going to start making plans to move away whether he came with me or not. Staying here no longer felt like an inconvenience. It felt like it was preventing me from healing.

Then COVID had already delayed things, and right as I was finalizing my plans to move, I found out I was pregnant. looking back, I think that my body, knowing that I was going to have a way out and away from here, maybe relax to the point that I got pregnant after dealing with years of infertility.

At that point we’d been together for about six years. He knew I was still planning on leaving because I’d never stopped talking about it. But because I loved his parents at the time, and their other grandchildren lived several states away, I made the decision to stay so they could have a grandchild close to them. I told him, though, that I wasn’t giving up on moving. I told him that if, after I had the baby, I still didn’t feel safe living here, then we were going to have to move. He agreed.

Then everything fell apart with his parents after our son was born.

When I was around four months postpartum, he convinced me we couldn’t afford two vehicles anymore, so we sold one and became a one-car family.

Literally days later, he admitted something that completely changed the way I looked at our entire relationship.

He told me he’d never actually intended to move away. He said he’d just been hoping that enough time would pass and I’d change my mind.

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever fully processed hearing that.

By that point, moving wasn’t just some dream I’d held onto for years. It had become something I genuinely believed I needed because of my mental health and the environment I was living in. He knew that. He knew why it mattered. Yet he admits that he was simply hoping I’d eventually stop asking for it.

Fast forward to today. I’m now two years postpartum and I honestly feel trapped.

He picked up a second job almost a year ago and told me it would eventually allow us to afford another vehicle. Earlier this year, though, he told me that the second job was basically just keeping us from going into the red. I recently found out that wasn’t true. We have almost $10,000 sitting in our checking account.

I’ve been told we can’t afford therapy. We can’t afford another vehicle. We can’t afford this or that. Yet somehow we can afford to let thousands of dollars sit in the bank while my mental health continues to deteriorate.

I’ve suggested selling our house because we’d walk away with roughly $100,000 in equity. In my mind, that’s enough to relocate, get the trauma treatment I’ve needed for years, and give our family a fresh start somewhere that isn’t tied to so much trauma. Every time I suggest it, it gets shut down.

The comment that really pushed me over the edge happened recently. I told him I was tired of putting everything about myself on the back burner, and he responded by saying that he doesn’t even have time for himself.

I honestly just stared at him.

I’ve spent almost this entire relationship waiting. Waiting because of COVID. Waiting because I got pregnant. Waiting because I wanted his parents to have a grandchild nearby. Waiting because we supposedly couldn’t afford therapy. Waiting because we supposedly couldn’t afford another vehicle. Waiting because I believed we were working toward the same future.

Now I’m sitting here realizing that maybe we never were.

I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like my options are to stay here while my mental health continues to decline and starts affecting my physical health even more than it already has, or divorce and potentially lose half of my son’s childhood while still remaining close enough to the very environment that contributes to my CPTSD.

I know those probably aren’t my only options, and that’s why I’m talking through all of this with my therapist and plan on speaking with a family law attorney before making any major decisions.

But I think what I’m grieving isn’t just the fact that we never moved.

I think I’m grieving the realization that while I believed we were building a future together from the very beginning, he now says he was simply waiting for me to stop needing the thing I was upfront about before we ever started dating.

Like I can appreciate and respect that some people have families that make a huge deal out of soccer/world cup etc. and the traditions and what not. But oh my good god am I getting tired of A) hearing a game on the tv super loud for what feels like all day- literally morning to night, “what’s the score” and “ohhhhh’s” and repeat until this is over. Groundhog day.

Then my husband can’t be assed to do anything or plan/show interest in planning something the two of us could do while he’s off work outside of the cup and scrolling on his phone/refreshing ticket master. He is unable to hear anything that doesn’t directly have to do with the cup right now. Will put off any plans I try to make or hint at, but will conjugate with his brother to purchase 2 thousand dollar tickets to go to (yeah you guessed it) the game.

He was literally gone ALL day today buying a jersey and out and about seeing family (totally cool, have fun) but when he called me on his way home he was pissed off that I hadn’t waited to watch “our” show together for when he got back home. He’s been gone for like 5-6 hours. To assume someone wouldn’t want to watch something or have entertainment in that time is crazy to me. He sounded genuinely pissed and quickly got off the phone with me once he heard I watched the episode lol.

My boyfriend 27, turns 28 next month in July, so I asked him near the beginning of June if we should book somewhere for us and our two dogs to go away for just a short weekend for his birthday. He agreed, and we were just waiting to pick the place together.

He's only gone ahead, invited his parents WITHOUT asking me, picked the location without me knowing and booked the 2 lodges. He just dropped it on me and said they're coming. I was also having a very horrible day, he told me on father's day the plan but that was the same day I officially went no contact with my dad. How ironic!

I've already told him how I feel about him and his parents and the boundaries they push, about his mother making me feel like a child and how she tries to school me on very simple life things. I grew up with 2 very independent women, so it's an insult when she does this.

Please can someone just advise me on how to approach this matter or whether I should just end it now.

I (23) have been with my bf (25) for 9 months now. While I'm very happy and lucky to be with someone who I also consider my best friend and basically checks all my boxes, I am sometimes so awfully angry. I had never thought about needing my partner to be good at household/time management (I was only with 1 other bf before and he was honestly such a bad partner in general that I didn't have the energy to even think of this aspect).

For context he and his family are very tight. at first I only knew that he visits them every week and calls almost every day and I thought "wow that's nice!" Until he said "it's basically like we don't live together anymore but we still share a household"

He lives alone in a small apartment and its always super messy. all drawers of every closet or cupboard is open at all times, clean and dirty clothes on the floor. loads of laundry in the washer, wet for days!!! (without washing it again because forgotten. just washed once, then forgotten for days) everything that has a cap to twist closed is left opened after use even when posing risk of spillage(bottle of iced tea, skincare, toothpaste, olive oil, also wet wipes ...) the toilet is never really clean.

i want to say that I've lived alone since I was 18. In my family, independence is highly valued. I know that if I asked my mom to help clean my apartment, she would. at the same time, I would never because I know in the long run it's better to learn from your personal failures, so that is what I have been doing for the past 5 years. I have struggled to manage my own household (keeping up with laundry, dishes, shopping, cleaning, bills, university, part time job) and this past year I have finally gotten to a point where I can successfully manage. but my apartment also gets dirty sometimes, it happens, so I don't want to be judgmental of my boyfriends mess, you know? He's seen my mess, I've seen his.

But for him, he relies on his family SO much. Partially because when he refuses, they get very upset, sure. Still, he never really had to MANAGE all the tasks that come into running a household alone. He knows how to vacuum, sweep, wash his laundry and dry it, pay his bills, clean the bathroom whatever. he's done all of this before as well. But consecutively doing ALL of it, staying on top of what needs to be done and knowing when to do what, his family helps out so much that I don't think he ever had the chance to learn how to stop messes from forming. For example, after eating, he always leaves the dishes at the table to go cuddle after, unless I remind him to put them away.

This results in me feeling like I need to be thinking for the both of us at all times. with time management also. Eg. I went on a short trip and he said he'd drive me to the airport. I told him my flight time and he thought it was 3 pm. but it was 3 am. I said I needed to buy a phone charger for the trip, he told me he'd get one for me and then he forgot. I booked our airbnb for our vacation, sent him the screenshot of the dates and today he said we had agreed on the 15th and not the 16th and if I can still change it. he missed his deadline for applying his university entrance exam so he has to wait another year (no he did not write it down). I don't want to be a manager. but if I stop managing, nothing works.

I had talked to him about household things before. he knows it's not his strong suit and he knows my opinion about his family's overbearingness. he's basically asked me for patience and to show him how to do certain things and he always likes watching me cook so he can improve his own skills. He takes out my trash and brings me lunch when I'm busy with university, so he is really trying. But sometimes it feels like I am not dating a grown up simply because of all the things I have to explain to him all the time. Like I am a teacher. I am starting to get resentful bc I feel like I didn't sign up for this and I learned alone, why can't he? he's asking me so many questions all the time about how what works and I can't anymore. he's the sweetest man, but "What can I do to help" is even starting to annoy me. I don't know, you tell me what you can do!!!

his mom cleans his apartment without permission even. once she paid some bills she found without telling him and did it wrong, causing even more problems.I told him to ask for his key back and he said "I can't do that". told him I want him to go to therapy bc he needs to have a chance to be more than a son, he doesn't want to, but said he'd do it since ill worry anyways. I told him I don't want him to do it just because I tell him to since sitting at therapy when you don't want to might not be useful.

TL;DR I have no idea how to bring this up without basically calling him childish. I don't even really know what exactly I want to change. I love him so much, but I just get really overwhelmed when my surroundings are messy or when my time management is thrown off. I feel bad criticizing him constantly when he's such a patient person with me. help

Okay so back in October, I made a post if you wanna go back to that for some context 🙏

I should have ended it but I stupidly didn't. Now its gotten to the point where I literally cannot stand being around him. He literally farts every 5 minutes i have never experienced anything like this and I've lived w some people. And i'm not even trying to be funny here, theyre rancid as fuck, just imagine rotten eggs all the fucking time.

I guess what i'm asking for is some hey you can do this , don't be afraid type of feedback. On monday, I'm gonna go to the phone store to get off the shared phone plan and then after that , i'm going to officially end it. Thankfully, we do not live with each other, so it's just a matter of him taking his stuff and getting the fuck out. Thats where I'm at. We literally have tickets to see a comedy show on july 10th and I do not care. Other shows will happen.

I've turned into a mother im no longer a girlfriend. And I'd rather be alone then have to deal with this every saturday to tuesday. Like for what sex is alrght but that's about it. I can quite literally do that myself so that's irrelevant.

Like I know I'm going to be so much happier after this. It's just a matter of ripping the Band-Aid. So I guess i'm making this post to hold myself accountable. A partner should bring peace to your life... not add SO MUCH stress to it. My sponsor from NA said to me "you don't wanna wake up 1 day 20 years from now wondering what happened and why you didn't leave when you could have." That really opened my eyes (finally)

So yeah. That's my story lol. Thank you to whoever read this and gives feedback. I really really appreciate it sense I dont do this often 🙏

I know I need to pace myself and not try to get all of my ducks in a row overnight, but I wanted to give another update because something significant happened this week.

I had my first therapy appointment on Monday, and within that very first session my therapist identified what I’ve been experiencing as covert emotional neglect and financial abuse. One thing she said that really stuck with me was that intent doesn’t erase impact. Someone doesn’t have to be trying to hurt you for their actions to still be abusive.

Something kind of woke up in me after that appointment.
I realized that I’ve spent so long putting myself last that I’ve accepted not getting medical care I genuinely need because I was told we couldn’t afford it. I decided that if I have to go into a little debt to take care of my health while I figure everything else out, then so be it.

Here’s what finally pushed me over the edge. Last summer I had to start pelvic floor physical therapy after having my baby. We had to pay out of pocket and then submit the receipts to insurance for reimbursement. I asked my husband to handle submitting the claims because I was drowning postpartum and couldn’t take one more thing on my plate. He told me he would.

Fast forward to March of this year. My doctor told me I desperately needed to restart pelvic floor PT because I’d had to stop abruptly, and I was beginning to develop pelvic congestion and other issues. I asked my husband if those claims had ever been submitted. He told me yes, that they had been submitted, insurance reimbursed nothing, and that’s why I couldn’t continue treatment because we couldn’t afford it.

So I believed him.

This week I logged into our insurance portal myself. The claims were never submitted.

That lit a fire under me.

I called the pelvic floor therapist I saw last year to see if she still had my records because I wanted documentation of everything. Somewhere during the conversation I completely broke down crying. I told her I wasn’t okay. I explained that my doctor says I need treatment again, but I’d been told we couldn’t afford it, only to find out the insurance paperwork had never even been sent in. I also found out recently that we have more money than I’d been led to believe, even if it’s still not a huge amount.
Her response absolutely broke me.

She told me, “You’re going to get your pelvic floor therapy.”

She said if that meant I couldn’t pay her right now, we’d figure it out. If I could only pay a little at a time, we’d figure it out. Then she put me back on her schedule.
I cried after I got off the phone.

For so long I’ve accepted that my health had to come last. It took one therapist validating what I’ve been living through to make me realize that I deserve medical care too.

It’s a small step in the grand scheme of everything, but for the first time in a long time, I advocated for myself instead of accepting “maybe someday.”

That feels like a pretty big win.

Well, it’s my birthday and my husband did nothing. Not even a card. Not a cupcake. Literally nothing.

I’m really upset because we had a second baby in December around the holidays and I was upset then that he didn’t do anything. Well he told me he’d make it up to me for my birthday and here we are.

At this stage every holiday feels like an IOU.

He claims he was going to get me jewelry and a fancy dinner this weekend but with nothing ordered or reserved, it feels every bit forced. I don’t want anything now.

I started a new job yesterday and even those people I’ve known for 48h took me to a nice lunch.

He’s a great father but I’m so incredibly sad. 😭

ETA: I messaged my therapist last night more context to our financial situation and how my physical and mental health has been dismissed and she immediately clocked it as abuse. I am so angry. I am so mad that I have been led on to feel like I am just too much. I’m in…shock??? It’s one thing to have suspicions but to hear it said by a professional just really sends it home for me.

——-

I know some of you have been following along on this fucked up journey of mine lately, and a few people asked for an update on how my first therapy session went.

It was incredible.

I genuinely don’t think I could have been paired with a better therapist right now. I have never, and I mean NEVER, felt so validated in my entire life. She was very transparent from the start that she has facial reactions and can’t really help it, but honestly that made me feel so much more comfortable opening up to her.

I only shared maybe 5% of what I’ve been through in my life to get to the breaking point I’m at today. Just a few grains of sand from an entire beach worth of traumatic experiences. And after hearing only that small amount, she told me that my reactions, emotions, and struggles made complete sense given everything I’ve been through.

That was honestly a difficult thing to hear in its own way.

Because here I am telling a complete stranger a tiny fraction of my story, and within one session she was able to recognize that what I’m experiencing is consistent with CPTSD and chronic trauma. She made me feel seen, understood, and validated in a way that I don’t think I’ve ever experienced before.

It also brought up a lot of grief. Grief for how long I’ve been carrying this by myself. Grief for all the times I was told that moving away from the environment that is making me very terribly sick would be just me running from my problems.

For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I wasn’t crazy. I felt like someone was looking at the whole picture and saying, “Yeah, of course you’re struggling. Look at everything you’ve had to carry.”

I cannot wait for my next session.

In other news…… (what he said to me was AFTER I had my therapy appointment that he doesn’t know that I had)

Last night really drove all of this home for me too. I had a full-blown panic attack, the kind I haven’t had in months. And after things finally settled, my husband told me one of the main reasons he doesn’t want to move away is because he has wanted to introduce our son to his family…..the same family that completely ignored the fact that I gave birth (haven’t heard a single word from them since I got pregnant), and the same people who made my postpartum a living hell.

He also said that I need to understand he hasn’t even had time for himself to do what he wants, like going to see his “other” family (he said he hates referring to them as “other” family and I think he has a hard time distinction THEM for the family he created. We are not and will never be “one big happy family”). Then he had the nerve to say he can’t even go see them because that would mean leaving me and our son at home and dealing with awkward questions about why we don’t come around.

I told him that’s not my responsibility. It’s his responsibility to set boundaries. He can either be honest with them or tell them he’s not there to discuss it, but avoiding them and then blaming me for that is far from okay. I also told him that if he can’t hold a boundary with his family, he needs to talk to a therapist to figure out why he can’t do that, because that’s also not my responsibility, and it’s not fair for him to put all of that on me when I’m not the one who created the problem.

I just genuinely want to thank the people in this group who encouraged me to seek therapy and helped me realize that things are not okay and haven’t been okay for a long time. Taking that first step was terrifying, but I finally feel like I’m heading in the right direction.

So I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 10 years. We have three kids together. I have paid her bills and let her stay home with the kids their whole lives. Going on 7 years. Not only do I work, I also uber and do other side gigs to make sure my own stuff is taken care of. The last few years she has gotten super lazy. She doesnt cook for anyone but her parents. She doesnt clean the house. Our house is at a level where CPS would probably take the kids from us. She doesnt make any of the kids clean up. I have to spend what little money I have to buy and make my own food. Now on to the fun stuff. We live with her parents. The only time she sleeps in my bed is when her dad is home on the weekends. Sex is happening once every few months. I bring it up and I am told I am needy and she is too busy. She's got a lot going on. When it does happen, she barely touches me. What does she have going on? She takes care of her mom and dad and her grandpa. Her grandpa will call her and she will jump right up and clean his house. We cant even spend time together without one of her parents calling her to do something. Her free time? Thats spent with her mom. We go on a date maybe once a quarter if I am lucky. So basically she meets none of my needs nor tries to. I want to leave, but I am afraid of coparenting. I am afraid of not being around my two daughters and son everyday. What should I do here? Im sorry if this seems all over the place. I just want to cry thinking of my current situation.

I am 4 months postpartum and dealing with postpartum
depression. I have bipolar disorder (type 2) so this was on the radar but getting the medicine my psychiatrist has prescribed has been a nightmare. My husband and I have been very distant.

Last night I tried to have a conversation with my husband because I could tell he was surly. He had complained several weeks ago that he felt rejected because we weren’t having sex. I had said I was afraid to get pregnant again, and he said that we could do other things that didn’t risk that. And I don’t remember how it came up, but he mentioned that he has to beg for a bj. So I sat with that for a while and decided that because it’s important for him to feel loved and wanted that I would make an effort to do things for him. Which I did, but at that time I just really didn’t want to be touched sexually in return. So after a few times of me pleasuring him and not wanting to be touched, he got upset again. Saturday he told me it was still rejection if he can’t touch me. 

So we talked about it last night. He said (in obviously more words) that unless we have sex regularly, he doesn’t want to do anything for me. And it has to be both of us engaged in the sex act. That if we had sex more often he would help around the house. After an hour of this conversation where you could just tell that without me doing what he wants, he just resents me so deeply, I finally said “Okay, we will have more sex”. I did the same things I’ve been doing for him after that and just let him touch me because what am I supposed to do. 

I was up 12 times last night with the baby. The baby woke up at 5:30 and I thought my husband was getting up with him but he just went to the bathroom and got in bed. So I started getting up so I could take care of the baby and he says “It’s okay I’ve got him”. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. Realized if I want to have a clean house or sheets I better get up and do them before work since after work I have to make dinner and the baby won’t really let me put him down. So I’m sad. I’m very sad. I feel like I don’t want to go on, but it’s just a feeling. I have too many people depending on me to do anything with that. 

I made an appointment with a therapist for Thursday. Because I don’t have a partner. I have a person who wants my body and to have a mom to take care of him. I’m not sure what do to really.