r/JustNoSO

My 2.5y/o was at her dad's house for a long weekend with him before he and I both go back to work (we each work in schools). I was facetiming with her one morning and saw she had a new stuffed animal. I asked her/him about it and he said that while they were grocery shopping at Walmart and older woman was following them around the store. She approached him after a while with something under her shawl and asked him if he could give this gift to our daughter. After this she ran off and he said he didn't get her name or anything, but gave the toy to our daughter.

I was furious, that's such a creepy story and absolutely unsafe behavior from an adult. I've been introducing our daughter to the idea of safe and unsafe adults and adult behaviors, and this just trampled all over that. I sent him a text saying as much after we hung up. He said he didn't mean for the story to be upsetting, and it wasn't as creepy as it sounded, but he agreed no more gifts from strangers.

I have her back now, and i'm still caught up on it. I want to ask him to tear it open to make sure there's no airtags, listening devices, or other trackers in there. If so he needs to call the police. If not, then I want the toy gone anyway so ripping it up doesn't matter.

I'm just so concerned he doesn't think this is a big deal?! I didn't think I'd have to tell a grown man who has gone through student safety and abuse training what unsafe adult behavior is.

I’m posting because I could genuinely use some advice and support right now rather than judgment.

I know I’ve posted/commented in the past that, at least for the foreseeable future, I wasn’t planning on having any more children because of everything that has happened involving my MIL/in-laws and the enmeshment issues my husband still has with his family, despite being very low contact with them now.

Well… life had other plans. I’m now several weeks into a very unexpected surprise pregnancy.

It is what it is at this point and I’m just going through the motions and trying to process everything, especially because I found out I was pregnant right in the middle of making some pretty major life changes and getting to the point of setting some serious ultimatums within my marriage. Obviously this pregnancy has complicated a LOT of that.

Anyway, my MIL is currently in her second major mental health crisis within the last 30 days. She is back in the hospital after apparently not eating for over a week and getting into a very concerning mental state again.

Yesterday my husband casually mentioned that he had been wanting to tell his parents that I’m pregnant soon, but that he obviously wasn’t going to do it now because his mom is back in the hospital and he didn’t think it was an appropriate time.

I kind of bit my tongue in the moment, other than basically saying that I don’t want them, and have never wanted them, to know at all.

The problem is that this should NOT be new information to him.

When I was postpartum with our first child, and multiple times since then BEFORE I ever became pregnant again, I specifically told my husband that if we ever had another baby, I genuinely didn’t know if I would ever feel comfortable with his parents even knowing that I was pregnant.

I have said this numerous times.

So today I brought it up again and told him that when he said he “wanted to tell them soon, just not right now because his mom is in the hospital,” it made it sound like he had already decided they were going to be told and the only question was when.

He told me that he wouldn’t tell them without discussing it with me first. I don’t know if I fully trust that.

When it comes to his parents versus me, historically I feel like my feelings end up on the back burner because so much energy goes into worrying about their feelings, their reactions, their mental health, etc.

And even during this conversation, he told me that he would rather his parents hear directly from him that I’m pregnant than have them eventually hear it from somebody else because I start showing and someone physically sees that I’m pregnant.

And I basically told him: I genuinely do not care if that is how they find out.

I’m not saying that because I want to punish them or intentionally hurt them. I just don’t understand why protecting their feelings about how they find out should take priority over the fact that I’m not comfortable personally sharing my pregnancy with them at all.

They are not involved with our first child right now, and as things currently stand, I do not foresee them being involved with this baby either. So I genuinely don’t understand why we need to make some personal pregnancy announcement to them just so they don’t get their feelings hurt if they eventually hear it through somebody else.

I also told my husband that even IF I eventually change my mind and become comfortable with them knowing that I’m pregnant, I absolutely do not want them knowing my due date.

They can know that I’m due next year. That’s it.

I don’t want them knowing the month, approximate due date, how far along I am, appointments, pregnancy updates, or anything else that would allow them to piece together when I’m due. I do not want a repeat of what happened surrounding my labor and postpartum experience with our first baby.

And I want to acknowledge something because I know this argument could come up: I understand that this is OUR baby. He is this baby’s father and this affects his life too.

But I am also the person who is pregnant. This is happening to my body, and details about my pregnancy, due date and medical information are also information about me. I don’t feel like I should have to sacrifice my privacy and comfort so that people I currently have no relationship with don’t feel hurt about how they found out.

I’m going to talk about all of this with my therapist at my next appointment because I know there are much bigger issues underneath this. But right now I’m just frustrated and honestly stressed.

This pregnancy was completely unexpected and happened while I was already in the middle of trying to make some major changes in my life and marriage. Now on top of processing an unexpected pregnancy, I feel like I have to worry about whether my husband is eventually going to go behind my back and tell his parents because he feels guilty about them finding out from somebody else.

I guess what I need advice on is: How do you navigate something like this when your spouse sees it as sharing news about “our baby,” but you see it as sharing very personal information about your pregnancy with people you specifically do not feel safe or comfortable sharing it with?

And for anyone who has dealt with an enmeshed spouse/in-laws, how do you get your spouse to understand that preventing his parents from having hurt feelings cannot continually come at the expense of his wife’s boundaries?

I (32F) very recently got fired after finishing my maternity leave. It was a job in a very toxic environment, that I wanted to leave anyway eventually so I took it as a “kick in the butt” to go find something that will finally feel fulfilling to me.

And I found exactly what I was looking for, only a few weeks later. It’s a job that is not directly in my field of studies - but very close to it. The only catch is, I have to go back to school for it (alongside work) to get the proper education level and credentials. The extra studies will take about two years to finish.

My husband (36M) knew about it. I never hid or lied or omitted the fact, that I will have to go back to school for a while. We had a long discussion about whether I should accept this opportunity or not and he pushed me to take it. He knew how much I wanted this job. He seemed and said he was very happy for me, to finally have a job that can become my career - not just something to make ends meet. I told him that he & our kids grandma’s will have to step up for the first two years - until I finish my studies. He agreed and said we’ll make it work.

I start in two weeks and I brought up the subject to him today, so we could start figuring out the arrangements about childcare and what not.

I told him my mom (who is still working full time, mind you) offered to take our eldest to daycare & asked him to ask his mom (his mom is a lot to deal with, but she’s retired so she’s the only one who can actually jump in when we need her) to take our youngest as they will have to go to different daycares. He got frustrated by this offer, saying how he doesn’t trust any of them to hold up their end of the bargain. Which is valid, they both have been known to have their moments where they back out of an agreement in the last minute. But at the same time, I am going back to work and school full time, and he also works full time. We can’t really afford a nanny and they’re both enrolled in daycare anyway.

Anyway it spiralled from there from 0-100. Considering how it turned out I am kind of glad I didn’t bring up the issue of daycare illnesses up along the other arrangements. It ended up turning into a screaming match about how “Two years is too long” and how I better make sure I get accepted for studies into a school that offers online courses as if I have a final say in the matter. My GPA from uni was good, but if there is to many people who apply, the online school will take the people with highest score first - and I don’t know what kind of scores other applicants have.

The fight ended up with him saying how I should’ve made this move before we had kids. He was the one who pushed to have kids as soon as possible. I was fine with waiting a bit longer, but he thought his biological clock was ticking or some shit. I was essentially a SAHM mom from 2024 to now (high risk pregnancy that pit me on bedrest + mat leave), so maybe a part of that plays into this whole thing?

Am I overreacting? Am I the JustNoSO here?

Husband of 9 years. 4 kids under 10 years old together - two of them are almost two year old twins) I have been a SAHM since 2017 (during which time I have gotten a masters degree and worked one year as a substitute teacher) - used to work as a critical care nurse.

Discussing financial stuff with SO…I have been asking for access to the primary checking account - where his check is deposited to - our money. I get a run around every time. Asked him if when he was growing up his dad held control of the finances….he said his mom and dad both had access to the account because…

They…both. Worked.

So….is being a SAHM not work worthy of having access to the family finances?

ETA: I manage all of the kids stuff - school, clothes, activities…etc. I just want access to the account just so I can be aware of our finances instead of him randomly telling me stuff…he said…”you just want to know…just to know.

Yes exactly - that’s what responsible adults do - they are aware of their finances.

Had to post because I’m literally just at a loss…

I’m a 40-year-old guy working in corporate compliance, originally from Rajasthan. Life is generally very stable. My fiancée (from Solan, Himachal) and I met through a matrimonial app. In April, I traveled to Solan to meet her, we started dating, and we are scheduled to get married on November 21, 2026. I’ve already finalized the wedding venue (a premium resort) and absorbed the financial liabilities.

Our families have been involved (she’s Thakur, I’m Brahmin). I’ve spent time with her father—a Pahadi farmer fighting a stressful legal battle over illegally occupied family land—and she speaks to my parents on the phone. When I proposed, we went together to Tanishq to pick out the ring, and she was genuinely very happy.

The External Stress: My fiancée works as an accountant for a failing print business. For the last two years, her boss has been severely exploiting her, paying her only 25% of her salary, and currently owes her about ₹2.5 Lakhs in arrears. She is non-confrontational and just works harder, hoping he’ll do the right thing. I’ve tried to support her emotionally, sent gifts to lift her spirits, and offered corporate strategies to freeze her extra tasks and demand her money, but she feels completely powerless to stand up to him.

The Sudden Meltdown: For the last few days, she’s been acting cold and distant. Today, I called her to check in, assuming she was just overwhelmed by the unpaid salary situation. Instead, she abruptly called off the wedding and hit me with the following:

• The Astrologer: She claimed she showed my Kundali to two different astrologers who told her that if we get married, we will constantly fight and have major issues with childbirth. (Note: My own family astrologer cleared our charts with no such issues). When I asked for the astrologers' names so I could speak with them, she refused and said it "isn't important."
• The Ring: In a very cold, practical tone, she told me to come to Solan, take my ring back, and collect all the gifts I’ve ever given her.
• Intimacy Claims: To justify breaking up, she brought up an isolated incident from early in our relationship where I had an issue keeping an erection. She then claimed that during the 10 to 12 times we were intimate, she completely faked her pleasure, felt nothing, and was just making sounds to make me feel good. I felt our connection was very genuine, so hearing her say this to rewrite our history was devastating.

My Perspective & Dilemma: I stayed calm on the phone. I didn’t yell, defend myself, or beg, but privately, I am completely stunned. Given the immense financial and family stress she is under, I strongly suspect this sudden withdrawal has less to do with astrology or our intimacy, and more to do with her feeling overwhelmed by life. It feels like she is pushing me away intentionally because the reality of the wedding is setting in and she feels out of control.

I love her and want to spend my life with her, but I feel completely helpless right now.

My Question: How do I handle a situation where a partner suddenly pushes away like this under extreme external stress? Should I respect her words at face value, drive to Solan to collect the ring, and walk away? Or should I give her space to let the stress settle before trying to communicate again? How do I best navigate this sudden breakup attempt?

TL;DR: My fiancée is under severe financial stress from an exploitative job. Today, she suddenly called off our upcoming wedding, blamed an anonymous astrologer, and made hurtful claims about our past intimacy. Looking for advice on how to handle this sudden withdrawal and whether to walk away or give her space.

I'm trying to cut him some slack because it's only been a week, but I'm already losing my mind. We just moved back in together after being apart for 3 years due to finances. I thought the mess he had at his parent's place was just due to not wanting to go upstairs to clean the dishes/take out the garbage. NOPE. Dude has the worst excuse of ADD/ADHD that I've ever seen. He refuses treatment, won't take any meds, and will not learn management skills. He's 30.

We have a small fruit fly problem due to being near the woods and I have been trying like hell to quell it. Instead of helping he leaves dirty dishes in the sink, stuff out on the counters, dishes and garbage in every shared space of our apartment. We've already discussed it several times that we need to keep this place picked up for the most part. For the last 3 days, I wake up to crap everywhere. I was told before we moved in that this wasn't going to happen. So I have started treating him like his mom did, because it's the only way things get done. Passive aggressive notes, collecting all the crap he leaves everywhere into a grocery bag and leaving it by his bed. I'm not dealing with it. He is a grown adult and is acting like he is a freshman in college.

I have a friend coming into town next week and he almost stained our brand new futon that they will be sleeping on, left crumbs all over it, and just overall not taking proper care of an item someone will literally be sleeping on a week from now.

I've been trying to rein my own emotions in because I've been overwhelmed with the move, work, and I'm also in pain from screwing up my back during said move. He knows this. We've talked about this. Yet he's like an orange cat without the shared brain cell and I can't do the thinking for the both of us.

Other than this, he's been a huge help with the move. But the mess is really starting to get to me.

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t move anything into our new apartment.

For context, this is my boyfriend’s first time moving out of his parent’s house. We moved almost two weeks ago. We moved all of my stuff from my previous apartment to this new one. All the stuff in this apartment belongs to me.

He has been feeling a bit off lately so I have been asking him what’s wrong and if he is homesick. Slowly i started realizing how complicated things have been and we have not been arguing but we have been having quite a few serious conversations.

One of the days he told me he was home sick and his mom has been texting him “I miss you so much”, “it’s so lonely without you here”, “I have no one to talk to”, etc. It’s making him feel guilty. We ended up having a discussion because the reason why we are moving in is because we want to start a life together. I told him I was worried about how attached him and his mom are to each other. He told me he misses going to places with his mom and it was easier, like how she wakes him up in the morning or make sure he has food for lunch the next day. I told him I was worried about this and he pretty much told me his parents rely on him emotionally and that’s not going to change.

I cried a bit because I don’t think there’s enough room for me in this relationship. He told me he thinks it’s crazy that I would say this and that he has made sacrifices for me that makes him wonder who he is. Here’s the thing, I never asked him to. He told me there were events his mom was begging him to go and he said no because we usually hang out on those days. He told me he has done things he is not interested in with me because he felt obligated to. The thing is, I never asked him to. If he said no, I wouldn’t care. He did say it’s a him thing.

His mom relies on him emotionally and physically. We have been here for two weeks and i’ve seen his mom 4 times. Additionally, he’s going to stay at home this weekend. His mom is going to pick him up in the morning and take him back home (25 minutes away).

I asked him why he didn’t move his stuff here yet. He told me because of our last few discussions, he genuinely doesn’t know where we are and he’s worried that we won’t be here for long. I got upset and told him that this is setting us up for failure. He doesn’t even stay in this apartment if I am not in it. He has no hobbies in here. He’s paying for a larger portion of rent than I am and has nothing here besides his clothes. It just feels like he is sleeping over.

I’m just sick of his mom messaging him saying she misses him because it makes him feel guilty he left her. I’m sick of his sister who he confides in because she has the same trauma as him. At one point she straight up told him “yeah mom and dad need you back at home”. My brother and I are not close and my brother would never say that to me and I would never say that to him.

I’ve told my bf to seek therapy and I think it would help him understand his emotions. He told me he just talks to his mom and sister.

Idk, has anyone gone through this before and does anyone have any advice. I’m really struggling here and have cried at least 3 times just today.

My wife and I have recently reached a point where we can barely spend an hour together without arguing. Small disagreements quickly turn into a long list of older grievances and broader claims that I do not value her or care enough about her needs.

She says she has accumulated resentment because she has spent years adapting to my preferences and feels I do not do the same for her. I accept that I have made mistakes and may sometimes become defensive or focus too much on facts instead of acknowledging her feelings. I genuinely want to understand what I am doing wrong and change it.

However, I increasingly feel that nothing I do is enough. When I offer help, I am told I should have noticed sooner. When I ask her to communicate what she needs, I am told I should already know. Even when we discuss an issue and reach an agreement, it often returns later as evidence that I have failed her. I feel as though I am constantly paying off an emotional debt that only continues to grow.

I am now completely deflated and exhausted. I have lost the desire to initiate plans, spend time together, or keep defending myself against the same accusations. Part of me wants us to separate our daily responsibilities and each take care of ourselves, simply so there is less opportunity for disappointment and resentment. But I worry that this would only create more distance between us.

I know this is only my side, and I am not looking to be told that my wife is entirely wrong. I want to understand whether I am missing something important and whether this dynamic can realistically be repaired.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you break the cycle? Did couples counselling help? At what point does emotional exhaustion mean the relationship itself is no longer sustainable?

Edit: We have already tried couples therapy at my initiative, but I have found it daunting and not particularly productive. Sometimes we reach a useful agreement, but often I feel the therapist gives more weight to my wife’s perspective because she expresses her distress more visibly (usually by crying or raising her voice) while I tend to remain composed. This leaves me feeling as though my exhaustion and hurt are less credible because I express them differently. At times I find myself bitterly wishing I could cry or shout too, simply so that my feelings would receive the same empathy. I know that is not a healthy way to approach therapy, but it captures how unseen I currently feel.

Edit 2 — since people asked about our division of responsibilities:**

I handle:

- Laundry and ironing
- Most cleaning: floors, vacuuming, kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom
- Dishes and dishwasher
- Household supplies
- Bills and joint savings
- Most home maintenance and improvements

My wife handles:

- Grocery orders
- Weekly meal prep (usually one cooking session)
- Reheating breakfast in the morning
- More of the paperwork and administrative planning

We usually split travel planning and other larger administrative tasks roughly 50/50—for example, one handles visas or flights while the other handles accommodation and logistics.

I am not claiming the split is perfectly equal, but she is not managing the entire household while I simply wait to be told what to do.

I can't wait for my in-laws to leave my place till their new home is ready.

Here's context my post.

She's soooo 'worried' or obsessed,she would ask how I'll reach home safely if my husband is not fetching me from work. I'm a fucking adult, I'll just fucking book Uber home. I'll handle it just fine.

I feel we're too enmeshed with the in-laws and it's been like this from the start of our marriage. Both husband and MIL need to stop with the infantalization. Stop it!!!!

And what's worse, I feel even when they've moved out, she'll still text and worry if I'm alone etc. I need like long periods of no contact with her.

My resentment is at high that I fucking hate the sound of the notification chat whenever she texts. I feel like punching both my SO and MIL.

I'm already in therapy, yet my problem won't be resolved because I can't have a sit down with my SO who has never understood me.

I am going to start by saying this is going to be a ramble because not only am I on mobile but I am using speech to text.

I got away from my ex seven years ago this month. And after the loss of the only man I've ever been able to consider a father in June, I am having to move out of state. In order to do that, I have to ask my ex permission to move my child out of state, so it's not considered kidnapping. All because being on welfare means that even though I did not put his name on the birth certificate, the state of California did when they opened a child support case, so that welfare could get the money. I didn't know that they were going to do this. If I had, I would never have gone on welfare. I sent an email to him asking for permission, but I knew it was to a burner email that he created since he only harassed me, and he never replied; so that's good.

But now I'm having to go to court, and I'm moving in less than a month because if I don't, I'll be homeless. I'm not only doing that, but I am:

1. Filing criminal charges in two states and with the FBI against him

2. Submitting all of the paperwork to get an emergency restraining order

3. Requesting emergency permission from a judge to move my child out of state to our new home because if I do not, again, we will have nowhere to live.

I have been working on this for six weeks now. I am having to relive every horrible thing he has done to me. And I'm having to do it all while taking care of my child, packing up the house that I've lived in for seven years, and mourning the loss of my dad. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist, and they have been helping me. But there's only so much that can be helped, and right now I feel like I'm breaking.

Half the time, I feel so strong and competent because I'm getting it done, and because I finally have the proof and the strength I need to file the paperwork I should have filed when my son was a baby. At least now I have more evidence because he's been stalking and harassing me for the last seven years. But when I actually sit down to do the paperwork, and not just gather the evidence, but to fill everything out and to highlight everything, and I have to reread everything he's written, and I have to remember everything I've gone through, and I have to make a statement of all of the abuse. It hurts so much. And I feel so stupid for letting him hurt me again. Cause he's not even here. He's half a country away. I don't even know why I'm posting this. It's just the last time I came on here. You guys opened my eyes to everything wrong with him. And now I don't really know where else to turn because I don't have anybody in my life I can lean on.

We have lived together for 6 years, we are both young and dumb still and I kind of see why only now is he trying to do this.

But he is logged into his ai assistant on my PC. I wasnt originally snooping, but it is also right there, I saw a few words, got curious, and I am not proud to admit it but I snooped so HARD.

I read everything. Firstly, the fact he uses ai as an assistant like this is kind of cringe. He uses it like a best friend. What the fuck is up with that. He has actual friends and a social life so its really weird imo.

About 6 months ago, apparently he just lost attraction to me. I kind of see it in his behaviour tbh, I knew something was up. He just told me it was work stress.

He has used it for a lot of self development. Changing up his style, his grooming habits, how he talks to people. He has always been intrested in that so its not far out of the ordinary but he has honed in on it recently.

He is learning to talk to people, to be kind, to flirt. I can see where he has been practicing it on me as well. mixed in with questions questions on how and where to find attractive woman. What the long term dating process looks like, how to court someone. He isnt doing it now, he hasnt cheated. But I can see he is using me as practice so he can eventually break up with me and find someone else.

And its really pissed me off. I am not going to sit here pretending I am supermodel level of hot. But if we go out irl, I am typically one of the more attractive woman in the room. So I dont know what he is thinking trying to pull off someone hotter. Maybe he could, IDK. But going through all this effort for someone hotter then me seem like a lot of work for less reward.

I am not in a rush to break up with him over this, I would be putting myself in a really shit spot if I just up and left him tbh. Whats a few more months really.

But I have been putting myself first since the discovery. I out earn him, so tend to be the one to buy any treats for us. I have stopped doing that, I have brought myself new underwear (not for him!), and a candle. I dont like the food we eat because he is bulking so we are doing our own groceries and cooking now. I am spending more time doing my hair in the mornings as well.

Its been really nice actually.

But man, what a dick move on his behalf.

Dont really want to get into details. But I escaped an abusive relationship 2 and a half years ago. I got into a good relationship after but I ruined it because of my PTSD from that first relationship. Its been over a year since we broke. I got back into dating. Maybe I said yes too soon. Maybe I ignored things that bothered me because I am desperate. Maybe I keep going back to him because I am lonely. When im hurting he doesnt want me. When hes suffering he gets upset if I leave. I deserve this. I dont think hes trying to do this to me. But at this point I dont care. Im tired of breaking my own heart. Im tired of being wrong. Ill make things work with him even if it kills me. I know this is a regression in my recovery from codepency. But I don't care. I think this is just how im supposed to be. Im not important in my life, just others. Why was I born like this? Why can't I escape this cycle