r/JustNoSO

My husband has a history of emotional dysregulation under stress, including hitting himself in the head during conflict. Since having children, the intensity of these episodes has felt more pronounced.

About a year ago, I discovered a bite mark on our then-1yo. He said it happened in a moment of overwhelm. We separated. He sought help, and I also worked with a therapist. I ultimately reported the incident to CPS, which turned into a very difficult legal and logistical gauntlet and did not feel helpful in supporting our family.

After about 6mos apart, he returned home and things had been going very well. He has been engaged, stable, and things have felt genuinely improved for a while.

Recently, both of us have been under more stress. Over the weekend, I discovered there had been another incident, leaving a similar mark on our 2yo child. (He’s ok. He was shaken up, of course). I immediately asked my husband to leave, and I’ve now asked for a formal separation where I have full custody and he would only have supervised contact with the kids. I’m not risking my kids being hurt again.

Because of the history, this response feels proportionate to me, but he does not agree. He is willing to do whatever I ask, and he is very remorseful. But he sees this as a setback rather than a definitive end to his role as an unsupervised parent right now, or as an end to our relationship as such.

My kids are okay. I feel relatively grounded in my decision. I don’t see a path back to trusting him enough to live together or have him alone with the children again.

I guess I’m looking for outside perspective. Am I missing something here? Is there a way of moving forward from this that I’m not seeing?

Hello! Long time lurker here, first time poster. I apologize both for my crappy english and the length of this... I don't know if SO might be lurking here, so I'm opting out of mentioning some specific details, but if anyone would like clarification on something, just tell me.

Anyways, I (32F) have been with my SO (33M) for 13 years, married for 3. We have two kids together. We were both insecure in ourselves, both coming out of a shitty past relationship, when we met. At first things were great, we were supportive of each other and tried our best to help each other grow out of our insecurities. While he has never been an emotional person, I felt safe sharing my feelings, hopes and fears with him. I knew he listened even if he didn't always understand. But that has slowly changed over the years. I guess that's just natural, but there's been times where I've realized I can't trust him with my feelings and vulnerability anymore, and me slowly beginning to ignore my need for emotional closeness, where he hasn't been emotionally available at all. Just to make it "work". I'll just try and summarize some of these just to give you an idea;

- He showed jealous tendencies a few years into our relationship. While drunk, he basically tried to a**ault me because he thought I was flirting with another dude. Police were called by a neighbour, I stupidly let it go. Still have anxiety talking to men, worrying if I come of as flirty when it absolutley isn't the case. It has never happened again, but still affects me.

- He has been unsupportive during my miscarriages. First time I was crushed, he said he was relieved, and then guilted me into going to a huge dinner party the same evening. He also left me to get home by myself after I had a late miscarriage, when at another party where he knew there would be pregnant women. I had to make some bullshit excuse for leaving while in full anxiety mode, he was standing in the back because he was afraid of the "attention leaving there would get him".

- He's never really showed any interest in understanding my depression. He's mostly been annoyed at me. Even when I handed him several resources and begging him to read them, since me telling him was'nt enough, he never did. He thinks he understands, and that's enough. At the same time I should just accept his social anxiety as a reason for all that has happened.

- I just can't reach him emotionally anymore, and I feel depressed and alone. He rather talks with chatGPT than me about his feelings, and when he tells me something I can hear it's really chatGPT doing the talking. Everything between us has become so shallow and empty. Even at our weddingday I couldn't really feel happy myself, because he was so preoccupied being nervous about the attention. It was a courthouse, casual wedding. Nothing big or fancy. I know a huge reason for my current depression is this, I have been forced to shut off my own feelings to keep things together.

And that's the way it's been for years. Until things just came crashing down for me following another damn party, that basically ended with me being sa'd by a dude we've known for years.

But before it went that way, I'm so ashamed to admit the attention from him felt nice. I just let it happen when he said he wanted to kiss me, and for a moment I felt alive again. As soon as I realized what was happening, I just shut down. I won't go in to details about the rest, but it ended with a hospital stay and a drawn out police investigation.

I sure as hell haven't been perfect, far from it. I really don't mean to come off as me saying he's doing eveything wrong and me doing everything right.

I understand this was hard for SO as well, but he's said and done some bathshit things during the aftermath process that just made me so sad and angry. I've told him about how I've felt during the years, and that short moment of feeling alive, and at least try to own my mistakes.

When he told me he had a hard time feeling empathy in this, I just could't take this anymore. We decided to try couples counceling as a last resort, and he thinks it's moving along nicely. It doesn't.

I know the advice I would give, if it was a friend writing this, is leave. But it just doesn't feel that easy. Despite all of this, he's a nice man, a great father and sharing all responsibilities with work, kids and the household has always been a given. Outwards, I might not seem to have much to complain about. I keep hearing marriage is hard, relationships change, it's silly of grown women longing for deeper love than this. And maybe it is? I don't know. I keep doubting myself, am I just overreacting due to my depression? I feel immense guilt for my kids and I can't stand the thought of not seeing them everyday. But is it reasonable to live like this, and holding on until they're adults? I just feel like I'm drowning, and I don't know what to do next. Any advice or honest houghts are welcome. Thank you so much if you had the patience to read through this wall of incoherent writing, and I hope you're having a nice day!

With baby #1 I learned that my mil knows no boundaries, she shares everything with everyone. Everything baby related that I told SO was shared with mil. I didn’t mind too much because I figured he has every right to share with his family. But then the texts and constant baby updates from his mom started. I felt like she was treating me like I was some incubator - constantly asking me “how many more weeks left?” And would constantly remind me “6 more weeks!” “5 more weeks” and then came the day of labor - came to find out my SO was texting his mom updates every time the doctor gave me an update (over a span of 36 hours). She knew when I dilated from 3 to 5 to 9 cm. That bothered me a little because I felt first that he should’ve been unplugged and that he didn’t need to update his mom every little minute and should instead have been fully present with me. Second, it bothered me because maybe my mil should’ve known better and said hey maybe I’ll leave you guys and you should go be present with your wife instead of calling and texting me throughout the entire labor. I only found out about this because my mil was texting my mom “she’s 9 cm!!” As if it’s some spectator show. My mom expected 0 updates so she had no idea what was happening, just that I’d call after baby arrived, which I did.

For baby #2, I was soo hesitant sharing the due date with my SO. So I lied. I gave my mil a due date a few weeks out and I also told my SO the same. Because I panicked. And then the lie continued and I didn’t know what to do. The only people who knew my real due date were my parents and coworkers who are all the most chill people who understand boundaries. Eventually I realized this was not right and I texted my SO and told him that the baby’s due date was adjusted and told him the actual due date. I said how I did not want to share this with anyone because I didn’t want to be bombarded with texts asking if baby was here. He acknowledged that. I saw mil today and she said “so I heard your due date moved up!” I know she’s told her parents and idk who else she has told. She also fully expects to be at our house the day we arrive home from the hospital so now I know that as we get closer to my due date, this is all that will be on her mind.

So, do I have a right to be angry over this? Am I being too controlling? I know it’s his baby too. I don’t want to be mean and feel like I’m stealing his joy but I want to tell him he cannot share updates this go around during labor.

You can just read my post history. Last night I was arguing with my partner over not letting my kids have a relationship with his mom. The main reason is due to the fact that my mother-in-law has displayed psychological behaviors like entitlement, passive aggressive comments, competitiveness with me over the caring of my child, and family power moves. Now he says I have to talk to my mil to address the problems I have with her, and the issues I express with him must go to her. When I tell him about the behaviors I’ve witnessed, it feels like he excuses her behavior or tells me that I’m misinterpreting it. We are considering couple’s therapy but he told me that if nothing changes then he cannot be in a relationship with me. I just feel anxious about the whole situation, unsupported, and feeling like I have to accept the behavior.

This has been a reoccurring issue with my husband and I. We’ve been together to a while and he’s always had a tendency to “plow over” any plans of mine with his. I’ve never brought it up to him because any time I bring up any issues with him, he gets defensive and passive aggressive. I always viewed it as “one less thing” to make him angry about, so I can keep my own sanity.

Well, things boiled over today. We have a new baby and because of this, we’ve both been busy with the baby, however, I tend to always get stuck with the baby for any of his last minute plans he brings up. Which I’m okay with but whenever I tell him ahead of time that I have plans for the day, even if he says he has nothing going on, he’ll magically last minute have super important things he has to get done and thus, my plans don’t matter anymore—he gets to go out and do what he needs to do while my plans get thrown out the window.

This morning, I asked if he had anything going on, he told me “no”. I then told him I needed to pick something up at the store and immediately after he said he had something super important he needed to do for our housing stuff at a financial office. I told him “okay, I’ll wait to go do my thing after that gets done.” Well, it took longer than expected and when he finally got around to doing it, he came back and told me he had a car part that got dropped off at his parents place for his project car and that actually he needed to go pick that up too. I told him okay, I’ll continue waiting until after that gets done but asked if he’d actually watch the baby when he gets back or was he going to work on his project car? He got quiet and then started getting angry and passive-aggressively telling me to “go do whatever I wanted” while he takes the baby. I told him right up front, I feel like he doesn’t think my plans are important and he became even more angry and passive aggressive.

I can’t tell if I’m the AH or not but I always feel guilty for having any plans of my own. I feel like I’m not allowed to have any scheduled free time and for this one instance where I tried asking if I could actually have my time to go do the things I planned over him doing things that he remembers last minute, I feel like I’m being guilt tripped.

I actually love flowers, and I used to buy myself flowers all the time because they made me happy… but my husband buys them on days when I’m upset with him or after he’s done me wrong, and now I hate flowers. I straight up told him not to buy me flowers because I don’t like them. I can’t believe I caught myself saying that because I do love flowers it’s just that he made me hate them.
Maybe it’s because when he gives me flowers, it doesn’t feel genuine or from the heart. The flowers always look sad from the grocery store, not like real bouquet flowers. He brings them home and just throws them on the table. We don’t even have vases to put them in anymore. He just leaves them there until they dry out.

SO wasn’t happy that I didn’t want to make plans with his mom for Mother’s Day. Instead I suggested day before or after. He did not like that. But we settled on it. It already set me up for a disappointing Mother’s Day because I knew he had nothing planned. He did get me a thoughtful gift of printed pics of me and LO, a nursing dress I sent him the to want since I’m pregnant and chocolate. It’s all very appreciated. I’m not a materialistic or high maintenance person. The rest of the day is on me to plan if I wanted to do anything. I’d give him a pass on that but he is going all out planning to make a dinner for his mom and grandma who are coming over tomorrow. He won’t stop talking about how he has a big grocery shop to do and listing off all the dishes he’s making (he hasn’t cooked at home in ages). I asked him what’s for dinner tonight and he listed of something that’s a frozen ready eat item in our freezer (which is our fav food..but feels like 0 effort). I’m jealous that he’s putting so much effort into planning and cooking a dinner for his mom, but has 0 plans for us. So I told him I didn’t want to eat that and he said “well then idk what you want to eat” so I’ll plan dinner now by either making or ordering out. From the get go he showed more excitement about having his mom see LO for Mother’s Day than for me. I feel awful and like I’m giving off ungrateful vibes for the gifts he did get me. But it just feels like it falls short when he’s genuinely excited to put more effort in for his mom vs for me. And he’s planned out dishes for tomorrow that I can’t even eat because I don’t eat meat. I just feel too many feelings.

Just want to add: I’d be completely fine with this meal too. I do like it. It’s just that he knew that this day requires just a bit more because he clearly knew to do it for his family. I think it’s bugging me that when it comes to our LO, he’s more excited for his mom to have a good Mother’s Day with LO.

TL;DR: Idiot should leave with cat, surrender cat for cat's sake, and then stage death to frame animal and girlfriend abusing shitbird.

I know I'm an idiot. I blame severe clinical existential depression, as my psychiatrist puts it, anxiety, autism, PTSD, and general exhaustion from living in "survival mode". That has been a thing well before the pandemic.

I put up with way too much crap, mostly for my cat (my psychologist at the time reckoned we were good for each other, and we have been), and because I dearly love his parents and the example they set. I want the enduring, stable, respectful partnership they have.

I liked him, I loved him, but obviously that has waned through years of lying, cheating, general narcissistic tendencies, and even some emotional, financial, and physical abuse. (Which my depression figures with the guns in the house I might end up a statistic, he might actually face consequences, I get to die and the cat can eat my face before moving on to the friendly neighbor lady. Wins all around.) I helped him get over the trauma of his abusive ex. (I'm sure he did face some abuse, but over time I have come to believe she snapped after too much BS.)

But today? Today I try to keep it together so we can chill this evening after a busy week, and a particularly busy day that started ridiculously early. He comes home late, drunk, and immediately starts needling me to give permission for him to get more beer & then go off to smoke meth and masturbate with a "friend". (I know he's lying. I know he screws her, and the guy he was badmouthing me to during golf. I don't get so many post rape infections of the urinary tract, including bladder and kidneys, when he gets dumped. Depression says I only want my sex drive back so it hurts less to fulfill his "needs"; hopefully I don't get another Bartholin cyst.)

I was trying to keep it together as I found my mother had to go to the hospital, and I'm time zones away. (~12 hour, $1k flight.) I don't think my woes need to be aired out; he should just care to stay with me because he claimed that I'm "his girl & he cares", right? He should just not drive drunk because of other drivers, and not do meth, and not disrespect women as friends and girlfriends? If it's so little and she isn't important, why the obsession? He should not do it because he would be mad if I did, at least, right?

Even after I finally admit my mom had to go to the ER & then admitted for surgery, I don't think he heard me over the clamoring din of his addictions and mid life crisis.

He kicked the cat to hurt me. I'll bet he is too drunk to remember. I have no proof. I know he would get in trouble for hurting the cat, even if he gets away with hurting people. (He claims the cat is his and I shouldn't think of "stealing" the cat that has clearly bonded harder to me, and who I pushed hard to get.)

He finally passed out. As I tidy up for his sleep I get the confirmation that he is somehow even worse with the lying and cheating and the projection of all the bullshit he threw at me. I do have those screenshots. I do have some pictures of him smoking meth. I don't want to hurt his parents, or seem vindictive after he lied about me to them already, but maybe they should know so they can evaluate their financial support again?

I wish I could keep them in "the divorce", and that my mom is ok, and that I had a safe place for the cat. (We're not married, it has just been a long time.)

So as I sit here in the early morning dark worried about my mother, and listening to the sounds of his alcohol disturbed sleep, I wonder how tomorrow (today, really) will be worse.

He doesn't remember things unless I remind him. I have to explain

why I'm hurt. I'm carrying the relationship while he just... exists.

At some point it stops being partnership and becomes management.

There are three specific phrases that instantly reveal the real dynamic

between two people.

Has anyone experienced this shift? When did you realize you were

managing instead of partnering?