u/GirldickDM

Hey all im a DM who suffers from depression. My life has been severely turned upside down in the last few months and doesnt look to be getting better tbh. I moved to a new area three months ago and brought all my books with me. I ran a 6 session game of Mythic Bastionland with two other locals here and it went well. They had fun, I had fun, it was great. I decided to take about a three week break between that and running something else. Those two got two other people and now were 5 people and im looking to run Lancer today.

My session is in 2 hours. I have read the material but dont have anything physical besides my core book for it and minis. I feel like a failure. I feel like im not really friends with these people and that ultimately im not a good DM. I feel bad because weve been talking about this session for weeks. And here it is and I havent even left bed today save to go to the bathroom.

Idk I feel so hopeless, worthless, and down. Ill be honest half the time I went and GMd that other game id berate myself the entire way down. Id get to the store and just sit in my car with my head on the wheel and wonder why I was even bothering. Idk how I did it. Now I feel this enormous weight on me. I cant do this, but I want to. For some people that want is an easy enough reason to find the willpower to get up and do stuff. But for me its not.

The want is filled with holes. I feel selfish for wanting to have fun, I feel like im just lying to myself, my players, barely holding together while making sure my barely functioning psyche doesnt fall apart at the table. Im sad

So for context I kinda re-entered the dating scene in January and its been pretty bad for my mental health so far. Im a lesbian and I met this one girl back then we went on a few dates, she ghosted me, I didnt take it well. The thing I noticed when I was talking with her though was how much id just sit around and wait for her to message me. It was so consuming, she was all I would think about even at work. When she texted me it was great, when she didnt it was so draining. She was an avoidant and this was not a good combo for me.

I had to move recently so I kinda stopped trying to date but still had the app. This girl matched with me and we kinda casually talked for a few days then she mentioned she would have some free time for coffee. The coffee date went well and the next day she invited me over for a movie and ya that went well too, and I stayed the night.

Anyways its been two days since then and like I havent stopped thinking about her. I dont think she is avoidant like that last girl. She has a really important job and like has two kids so I dont think she is not messaging me on purpose. We have talked like everyday since then I guess today wasnt like the best though and its been nearly 12 hours since she texted me.

I havent like spammed her just sent her some memes but ya I cant help but think she must hate me, or im annoying her, or worse like shes gotten into an accident and thats why. I guess im spiraling. Idk. I wasnt like this last week before we met. Any advice?