r/BPDmemes

I’m so chronically depressed. I lost people when I came out as a lesbian last year. I lost people when I came out as transmasc this year. I lost someone when I set boundaries. I hate when I try to communicate something that’s bothering me and then I’m made to feel wrong for doing so. Idk if this is a bad thing but I after someone does 1 or 2 things that turn me off I want nothing to do with them. I feel so miserable and now I’m left all alone. The only supportive person is my brother but everyone else is kinda iffy about it after I came out to them.

I didn’t anticipate that coming out about a deep hidden truth within myself that makes me so happy would cause me to feel so misunderstood and alone by others. I used to get so much attention in the friendship subs when I was a cis woman and as a transmasc nobody wants to talk to me. I was about to break and shatter like glass until I texted the Trevor project chatline. They gave me sources for finding support in transmasc organizations and groups. I’m nervous bc they’re all zoom meetings and I don’t feel like showing myself. I feel like I’m not handsome.

I just hate going through this alone. I don’t have a therapist rn and idk how my fuck ass psychiatrist chose to see me every 2 months after I spent a whole month institutionalized in 2 different places. Like obviously I’m not well??? I start PHP in 10 days and idk how long it’ll last but I think it’ll be a while. Im supposed to start schooo in August but I honestly don’t even feel ready. I haven’t showered in a month, brushed my teeth in a month. I washed my hair the other day bc I got a men’s haircut. I just have no strength or energy. All I do is listen to music and doom scroll. I feel dead inside. Having little support makes me feel very alone and depressed. Living with my homophobic dad makes me feel very depressed. Idk what to do or who to talk to. I basically have nobody to talk to tbh.

The more I get closer to finding out who I really am, the more misunderstood I feel. I can’t even journal without breaking into a panic attack, that’s quite literally what took me to the mental hospital when I was at the residential journaling and confronting my truth for the first time. I keep seeing poetry recommended to me on twitter and every single one I read makes my heart sink so I just skip past them now. I don’t have the privacy to cry right now. And how sad is it to cry when there’s nobody there to hold you and comfort you? The tricky thing is that I’m too scared to cry in front of the person who would hold me while crying, like my mother. She freaks out too much and gets too worried which is why I don’t do it in front of her.

I honestly feel like a feral cat, I bite and I scratch. I turn into a crazy little shit when I feel triggered. I don’t feel sorry at all. I don’t curse people out but I pull out the interpersonal skills I learned in DBT and still get made to feel guilty for voicing my concerns. I feel lonely but the last person I shared my life with for the past 3 months just made my walls go up. All the way. I don’t like being objectified. I don’t like when people wear a mask. On top of that I have all this other shit I’m navigating and dealing with.

My trust issues have never been as awful as they are right now. At an all time high </3

Within the mere mention or actual admission of hospitalizations it always triggers the worst panic attack episodes in me.

I pace along my waiting but it doesn’t soothe me as nearly as much I’d prayed it would.

The nurses laugh as they ignore me. Like it’s some fun performance to them. It’s hilarious until I fall.

It’s their game. It’s their game I’m forced to play.

It can all happen the same day... Over and over again. What a rollercoaster