Why does my MIL bring me into fights that have literally nothing to do with me
Ok so a few things to note here, bear with me. My MIL and I and my MIL and my husband have had a super strained relationship since the birth of our son (21 months old). There have been a number of blowups between she and I and she and my husband. Around fall of last year she and I hashed things out over text (we live abroad) and kinda reached an understanding. Essentially that we don’t see eye to eye and there’s a lot of hurt on both sides (hers is less valid but whatever) and essentially she and I are just cordial and polite now. We can spend time together but we’re not BFFs. She and my husband are on better terms BUT still often fight. She has come to see us twice in the last 5 months and both times were fine and she and I got along fine and I would say I was a lovely host. Especially the second visit when I was in my first trimester dying.
She is very enmeshed but he is less so. A lot of it is cultural, etc. I should also mention she is not proficient in English and our understand of each other is sometimes limited. She’s very much into guilt tripping, playing the victim, “after all I’ve done for you”, “I guess I’m just the worst person in the world”, “I won’t ever call you again and bother your perfect little life”, etc.
Yesterday my husband went to the playground with our toddler while I stayed home, innocent and pregnant and cleaned up the house. He FaceTimes his parents and I guess our son went down the slide alone and his mom made a comment about this in an accusatory way. I’m not entirely sure what happened because I WAS NOT FUCKING THERE, but I guess he ignored her or rolled his eyes or something as our son is almost two and this slide is very age appropriate. Later that night she texts him and has this big meltdown about how she can’t say anything blah blah. He didn’t tell me much about the fight so this morning I snooped their convo (sorry pls) and I can’t help but either laugh or cry lol. Every single one of her messages was something like “it’s clear to me everything I say is wrong to you and your WIFE” (not my name btw), “I know in your wife’s eyes I can do nothing right” “it is is clear to me you have been poisoned against me by SOMEONE”, “your wife has me on the black list”.
Now here’s the thing, I do indeed dislike her. I find her toxic and problematic and would love to be NC with her. BUT, she’s also not my problem. I refuse to spend mental energy on her when I’m pregnant and chasing a toddler. My question is - this fight had literally nothing to do with me. I wasn’t even there. WHYYYYYYYY are you bringing me up? Why are you calling me “wife” when I’ve known you for 11 years and married for 5. Even after I did the noble thing and tried to patch things up with her so she could be a part of her grandkid’s lives… she’s bringing me into these random fights?
I know it’s common and toxic MILs do shit like this all the time. I’m not unique here. I guess it’s just exhausting when I’m literally out here being fat and pregnant and minding my own damn business and she’s involving me in these narratives. The funniest thing is that earlier that day I had told my husband that this second pregnancy has allowed me try to understand his mom’s insane actions since our son was born and that I’m working toward forgiving her and trying to move on. I’m literally not even mad or disappointed at this point, just so disinterested in even playing nice when it seems I get dragged into their toxicity regardless lol. If she’s gonna treat me like the villain in her story, maybe I should acquiesce and play the role? :)