u/Main-Branch9919

Ok friends so I wanna be brief because I can ramble on the topic of this woman, so let me just vent about something small: buying clothes for my kid.

My relationship with my MIL is strained, but I try my best to tolerate her a few times a year for my husband and I like the rest of his family. This usually involves us staying with them for several weeks in the summer. We have an almost two year old who she is, no exaggeration, obsessed with. It’s creepy. Anyway - one of the most mildly irritating things she does is the way she shops for him. She will literally buy him an entire wardrobe of clothes for the entire stay that were staying with them, without even mentioning it to either of us.

I was packing today and asked my husband to just touch base with his mom about what kind of stuff she has for him (because I know she has some things) and she sent a picture of literally piles of clothes. 15+ t shirts, shorts, PJs, sun hats, socks, etc. She then tells my husband to tell me that I can pack “sweaters and pants” because she’s got the rest. The place we’re going is roughly 32-39°C daily. My toddler isn’t going to be wearing fucking jeans and a hoodie and she knows it. My husband says it’s great news that I have less to pack but I can’t help but feel like this is her way of exerting control over him. Like she’s using him as her little baby doll to dress up for 4 weeks. Also, I’ve already bought him an entire summer wardrobe and summer end at the end of August for us. I should just not use any of the cute clothes I bought because she went and spent likely over 1000$ on clothes he doesn’t need??

Like ok yes, I can just not use the stuff right? I can just bring my own stuff. Trust me, I will. I just feel like she does this on purpose so every day that he isn’t wearing she bought she can say “oh I see he’s not wearing the nice set I bought him”. She also will constantly make comments about the sizing of his stuff. Like she thinks he’s constantly growing out of things??? She came to visit in April and brought this cute set in size 18-24 months (he was about 20 months) at the time and he’ll turn two this summer. When I sent her a pic in May of him wearing it she said “ok so I guess it’ll be too small for him this summer. I should have brought more summer things since they won’t fit him this summer”. HOW IS THAT MY PROBLEM? Like I can’t control what size he wears.

Anyway I’m just annoyed because the stuff she buys is genuinely nice quality and I know I can get use out of it. I just can’t stand the amount of stuff? I hate how she has no hobby outside of shopping for my kid.

ETA: ok just wanna make sure I’m not being totally tone deaf here. Yes I understand this is minor and I am genuinely grateful for gifts given to my son. I love when people who love him buy sweet outfits and I always make to send a pic to the person when he’s in it. This post is about the excessive nature of her shopping. Buying an entire wardrobe of clothing is such a massive burden on me, a mom who already has a huge mental load. Guess who washes, folds, stores, makes room for, tracks sizing, dresses him, rotates, sends pics of him in special outfits? Me! Also it takes some joy from me as a first time mom who personally loves shopping and styling her child. It’s not like she’s buying super special outfits. She’s buying essentials and everyday basics which feels like an overstep into parenting territory. She doesn’t need to do that because he has parents who have already done it. Finally, I’m so lucky that my husband and I are in a financial situation where we really don’t need help with buying clothes for our son. The excessive clothes are purely wasteful.

I hesitate to even post this because I feel like I might be met with some backlash… but I need to get this off my chest somewhere.

I have a 22 month old toddler and I’m 20 weeks pregnant with my second. For well over six months now, my son has been in a “daddy phase”. I don’t want to misrepresent the situation and say that I have been consistently rejected for the last six months, my son does have mommy-forward or neutral days. But it just seems that when he wants dad, he really wants dad and wants me to know it. He will fiercely cling to dad and reject me (mom) with a passion. Throwing my hand off him, avoiding my eye or even cowering from me.

I am and always have been a SAHM, I breastfed him for 20 months and have done the lion’s share of his car (especially the first year). All night wakes, bedtime routine, naps, etc. It’s becoming harder and harder to not become defeated by son’s near constant, at least slight, preference for his dad. Crying and running after him when he leaves the room, seeking him out, demanding he do diaper changes, put on his shoes, etc. I know a lot of this can be chalked up to the fact that dad is more novel than I am as he goes to work, and just goes out more than me in general. I don’t typically leave my son often. We have a sitter once a week who stays with him for a few hours so we can run errands or go to the OBGYN. But that’s it.

It feels like when dad is home, I am the second choice. It’s plain as day. When it’s just the two of us, things are really easy and peaceful. He’s so affectionate and sweet with me and he even loves to play independently when I’m around. It’s like as soon as it’s me and dad, he’s completely different. Fussy and emotional, clingy to dad and won’t let me help I’m even basic tasks. Again - this isn’t always… but sometimes more often than not.

The part that’s shameful for me to admit is that it’s making me resentful of both of them. I feel embarrassed and unappreciated, then I feel ashamed for allowing a toddler’s whims make me feel this way. I hate how insecure I am and how much this is impacting my mental health. I cry in the shower, hide how shattered I am when he reaches for dad after the nap and pushes me away, I recoil into myself and become distant with rejection. I even find myself (and I’m ashamed to admit) feeling less connected to my baby that I’m pregnant with. I catch myself thinking “well I shouldn’t put my heart and soul into her the way I did with my son as she’ll probably love dad more too”. I know this is unhinged and immature, and I hate that I feel this way.

Everywhere I go I’m faced people talking about how their toddlers are mom obsessed or how this is just a phase but it doesn’t feel like one anymore. It genuinely feels like this is his temperament and I’ll fall into second place most of the time. I can only imagine things will intensify when the second baby.

I just feel like I’ve somehow failed at motherhood. Like I’ve given this my all but somehow my son doesn’t feel it?

Would love some gentle advice here as I’m feeling like a sack of shit today.

ETA: we’re also visiting my husband’s family in two weeks for a whole month and they typically make that a worse. “Wow he’s such a daddy’s boy” “wow my boys were all about mom at that age” “oh wow haha mama you must be so happy to have your hands free” “wow what a great dad! He’s all about dad” “see how all the other babies are looking for their moms, not him” “he didn’t ask about you at all while you were gone! So unusual to not miss mom”.

Like ok thanks friends let me just go die

I’m honestly anxious to even post this because I’m questioning my sanity and maybe I’m fully in the wrong. Be gentle with me because I’m pregnant lol.

Ok so I have a colleague who’s also my neighbour. I have a 21 month old and he has an 8 month old. Today I saw him and asked him an affectionate way how his “sweet little chubby girl” is doing. She is absolutely precious and in that amazing phase of total roundness. My son was so similar! All cheeks and thighs and big smiles. She really is cute as a button. My tone was very light and affectionate. He proceeded to show that he was offended and made a remark how that was a bizarre adjective to use and I was calling his child fat. I was a bit taken aback because I CONSTANTLY got this comment about my son and always thought it to be compliment. I tried to play it off and say it’s just a testament to a well fed baby, which we love to see. His irritation remained and he told me “my baby is fine”. Anyway he’s British (I’m not) and has a bit of a weird sense of humour so I thought maybe it was just a misunderstanding.

A few mins go by and we’re part if an unrelated conversation and I made a joke about myself regarding something saying that I’m “just some random woman”. Then he chimes in and says “just some random FAT woman”. It was sooooo uncomfortable and multiple people were visibly uncomfortable. I’m 16 weeks pregnant and it just felt a bit odd to say in front of a group of people. I think maybe he thought he was being cheeky because I’m slim and not really showing so he thought it would land well? I just got awkward and he made some comment about how I started it.

The whole thing has left me questioning if I was in the wrong and my comment was inappropriate? I try not to conflate intention with impact - so even though I meant it as a term of endearment (calling the baby chubby), I suppose maybe I shouldn’t be commenting on anyone’s body? Do you think I should apologise? The whole thing has left me feeling very strange and a bit sad.

Ok so a few things to note here, bear with me. My MIL and I and my MIL and my husband have had a super strained relationship since the birth of our son (21 months old). There have been a number of blowups between she and I and she and my husband. Around fall of last year she and I hashed things out over text (we live abroad) and kinda reached an understanding. Essentially that we don’t see eye to eye and there’s a lot of hurt on both sides (hers is less valid but whatever) and essentially she and I are just cordial and polite now. We can spend time together but we’re not BFFs. She and my husband are on better terms BUT still often fight. She has come to see us twice in the last 5 months and both times were fine and she and I got along fine and I would say I was a lovely host. Especially the second visit when I was in my first trimester dying.

She is very enmeshed but he is less so. A lot of it is cultural, etc. I should also mention she is not proficient in English and our understand of each other is sometimes limited. She’s very much into guilt tripping, playing the victim, “after all I’ve done for you”, “I guess I’m just the worst person in the world”, “I won’t ever call you again and bother your perfect little life”, etc.

Yesterday my husband went to the playground with our toddler while I stayed home, innocent and pregnant and cleaned up the house. He FaceTimes his parents and I guess our son went down the slide alone and his mom made a comment about this in an accusatory way. I’m not entirely sure what happened because I WAS NOT FUCKING THERE, but I guess he ignored her or rolled his eyes or something as our son is almost two and this slide is very age appropriate. Later that night she texts him and has this big meltdown about how she can’t say anything blah blah. He didn’t tell me much about the fight so this morning I snooped their convo (sorry pls) and I can’t help but either laugh or cry lol. Every single one of her messages was something like “it’s clear to me everything I say is wrong to you and your WIFE” (not my name btw), “I know in your wife’s eyes I can do nothing right” “it is is clear to me you have been poisoned against me by SOMEONE”, “your wife has me on the black list”.

Now here’s the thing, I do indeed dislike her. I find her toxic and problematic and would love to be NC with her. BUT, she’s also not my problem. I refuse to spend mental energy on her when I’m pregnant and chasing a toddler. My question is - this fight had literally nothing to do with me. I wasn’t even there. WHYYYYYYYY are you bringing me up? Why are you calling me “wife” when I’ve known you for 11 years and married for 5. Even after I did the noble thing and tried to patch things up with her so she could be a part of her grandkid’s lives… she’s bringing me into these random fights?

I know it’s common and toxic MILs do shit like this all the time. I’m not unique here. I guess it’s just exhausting when I’m literally out here being fat and pregnant and minding my own damn business and she’s involving me in these narratives. The funniest thing is that earlier that day I had told my husband that this second pregnancy has allowed me try to understand his mom’s insane actions since our son was born and that I’m working toward forgiving her and trying to move on. I’m literally not even mad or disappointed at this point, just so disinterested in even playing nice when it seems I get dragged into their toxicity regardless lol. If she’s gonna treat me like the villain in her story, maybe I should acquiesce and play the role? :)