r/motherinlawsfromhell

While baby sitting my kids son (6) daughter (4) my MIL weighed them and made sure to let us know that my daughter weighs more than her older brother. (By 3 pounds) Both my kids are in the 99th percentile for height. Shes not even chubby but my MIL is constantly calling herself fat and I don’t think she weighs 100lbs. I can’t help but feel like she’s insinuating my daughter needs to lose weight. I’m worried about how this will play out in the future.

I genuinely need to know if this is normal or if my MIL has completely lost her mind, because the audacity of this woman is something else.

I’m currently pregnant with my first child, a little boy, and my MIL has decided she’s going to throw herself a “Grandma Shower.” Yes, an entire baby shower for herself. And the kicker? Neither my boyfriend nor I are invited. 🙃

For some background, my boyfriend and I have been together for eight years. We moved from Arizona to Nebraska last year, while my family and most of my friends still live in Arizona.
My mom and best friend are throwing me a baby shower in Arizona next month, and my boyfriend’s family here in Nebraska is also planning a shower for me. I’m incredibly grateful that both sides of our family want to celebrate our son.

My MIL doesn’t live here in Nebraska, so naturally, she hasn’t been involved in planning the shower here. The family members who actually live here have taken care of organizing everything.

Apparently, though, that isn’t enough.

Instead, she’s decided to throw herself a GRANDMA SHOWER.
A separate party. For herself. To celebrate the baby that I am currently growing.

And again, THE ACTUAL PARENTS AREN’T INVITED.
Now, before anyone assumes that I’m just being a bitter daughter-in-law who doesn’t want her MIL involved, let me give you some background on our relationship.

My MIL and I are NOT close. In fact, we went almost FIVE YEARS without speaking to each other.

And why, you might ask?

Because she started a rumor that I had supposedly said that if I ever had a baby, I wouldn’t allow her to see it.
Let me make something abundantly clear: I NEVER SAID THAT.

At the time, I wasn’t even pregnant. This was an entirely hypothetical child, and somehow she managed to create an entire conflict surrounding a baby who didn’t even exist.
Rather than having a conversation with me, she chose to spread this narrative, and it contributed to us not having a relationship for nearly five years.

Fast-forward to now, and there’s actually a baby on the way.
And instead of using this opportunity to build a healthier relationship with her son and me, she’s behaving in ways that make me increasingly uncomfortable about what our relationship is going to look like once our son arrives.
The irony of spending years claiming I was going to keep a hypothetical grandchild away from her, only to behave like this when there’s an actual grandchild involved, is certainly not lost on me.

And unfortunately, the rumor wasn’t some one-time misunderstanding.

This woman consistently talks shit about BOTH me and my boyfriend. HER OWN SON.

She’s incredibly controlling and seems to have this mentality that if something isn’t done her way, it’s the wrong way. She inserts herself into situations that don’t involve her, questions decisions we’ve already made, and has a difficult time accepting that her son is a grown man with his own family.
Recently, at a family gathering, she cornered my boyfriend to discuss his unused college fund. When he suggested potentially putting that money toward our son’s future or helping with the $14,000–$15,000 in medical expenses we’re expecting from having this baby, it became an unnecessarily drawn-out conversation.

Then, after we’d already told everyone we were leaving, she insisted she needed another 15 minutes of our time.
She proceeded to question how we were transporting gifts home from my Arizona baby shower. We’d already arranged to ship everything through my boyfriend’s employer, but she insisted that another family member should transport everything instead.

Even after I explained that we’d already made arrangements, she continued pushing her idea.

It’s not necessarily any single incident that’s the problem. It’s the constant need to control situations that have absolutely nothing to do with her.

And now, despite there already being TWO baby showers planned for our son, she’s decided that she needs her own celebration.

I understand being excited about becoming a grandmother. I genuinely do. This is her first grandchild, and I would hope she’s excited.

But I can’t help wondering why someone who has spent years speaking negatively about the baby’s parents suddenly feels entitled to an entire celebration centered around herself.
What exactly is the purpose of a grandma shower? Is she expecting gifts for herself? Is she planning on setting up an entire nursery at her house? Or is this simply an opportunity to be the center of attention?

Because from where I’m standing, it feels like she’s more interested in the title of Grandma than actually having a healthy relationship with the people bringing this baby into the world.

And here’s what really gets me.

For YEARS, she perpetuated this completely false narrative that I would keep her future grandchildren away from her.
Now that I’m actually pregnant, I’m making a genuine effort to be civil and allow her to be involved in this exciting chapter of our lives.

But instead of respecting that, she continues to speak poorly about us, disregard our decisions, and make situations unnecessarily difficult.

At what point does someone stop and realize that their own behavior might be the very thing that damages their relationship with their grandchild?

Because I have absolutely no intention of using my son as a pawn in some family feud. But I also refuse to allow someone to disrespect his parents and expect unlimited access to him simply because they share DNA.

Being a grandmother does not automatically entitle you to disregard the boundaries of the child’s parents.

My boyfriend and I have already started discussing what boundaries need to look like once our son arrives, because quite frankly, I don’t see this behavior magically improving after he’s born.

And honestly? I’m exhausted.

This is my first pregnancy. I want to enjoy it. I want to celebrate our son, prepare for his arrival, and experience all the excitement that comes with becoming a mother without constantly feeling like I’m navigating someone else’s need for control.

I don’t want to spend my pregnancy fighting with my MIL, and I certainly don’t want to spend my son’s childhood doing it either.

So, Reddit, I have a few questions.

Has anyone else dealt with a MIL who throws herself a grandma shower? Is this genuinely becoming a normal thing?
And more importantly, how do you navigate a relationship with someone who spent years falsely accusing you of planning to keep her grandchildren away, but now that there’s an actual baby involved, continues behaving in ways that make you want to distance yourself?

Because apparently I’m the one growing the baby, but she’s the one who needs a party. And somehow, I have a feeling this is only the beginning. 🙃

About 2 weeks ago, my MIL made a negative comment about me and another of her DIL’s in a family group that she didn’t realize we were included in. After defending myself in a very gentle way, she responded with a 4 paragraph text that was “meant for everyone” but very obviously aimed at me which I did not respond to.

Since then things have been….tense.

My husband refuses to say anything to her about it. She continues to come to our child’s sports games every week. Which is fine, I’m glad our children have grandparents that are supportive of their interests.
My issue is that she will not have a conversation with me about what happened. In fact, she won’t talk to me at all. I haven’t attempted a one on one convo with her either but don’t feel that I should be the one to initiate the convo.

At the last game, she not only ignored me and gave me the cold shoulder but was rude to my mom when my mom tried to chat with her which lead to my mom having hurt feelings and asking me if she had done anything wrong. This really enraged me.

Now I am expected to spend Halloween with my kids there as well as Thanksgiving and I just don’t want to! It’s uncomfortable, tense, and I still believe I deserve at least a convo if not an apology. Again, my husband refuses to get in the middle and wants us all to go on ignoring it and pretending like nothing happened bc that’s how he was taught to handle conflict.

Am I the asshole for wanting my husband to confront her and wanting to have a conversation with her so that we can move past this? Should I just be letting this go?

This is a throw away account.

I really need you guys to let me know if I am overreacting! Also any advice, would be amazing! Cause I have no idea what to do.

Ok, so for some context : I (38) Female and my Husband (32) Male have only been married for 2 weeks now and we have been living in newlywed bliss! The wedding day was perfect and I married my best friend in the entire world and I couldn't be happier! Well sort of, let me get to that!

My Husband (lets call him Jack), is very close to his family. When I say close, I mean that he would do anything for his family, at anytime. Which is one of the reasons why I love him so dearly! But boundaries are a must in relationships with parents!

My family are not that close. My parents are divorced and since then, they kind of let me be my own person but they know that I would do anything for them within reason.

When I first met his family, they seemed very low key and closer then my family. It definitely took some getting use to have his family always wanting to be around. It wasn't until the first month of us dating that, I really started to see what kind of "closeness" meant to this family. His Mother (let call her Rory (56) Female) always invited herself to everything that involved her children. She would consistently invite herself on multiple dates with Jack and I. When I would start to interject, he would just say sure or she would start to cry, so that we felt so guilty and just let her come.

Knowing this, I trended very carefully! I always tried to only invite him to go on dates over the phone and to make him pick me up, so that she can't guilt me or him to come with us. This worked for a long time, until we decided to move in together.

A year into our relationship, we both decided to buy a home. 6 months of searching and we couldn't find anything that we really wanted. Until his Father (let call him Gru (60) Male) said that he would like to offer Jack's childhood home to us. I now see the reason why they offered but that's relevant for later. They offered to give us a discounted price and we both agreed and so we bought our home.

After we bought and moved into our home, My husband proposed to me! It seemed like life was going amazing! But I could tell that his Mom was super upset that Jack didn't ask her help , to pick out the ring or even tell her that he was thinking about asking me. I say this because when we told them we were engaged, the shock on her face said it all. She kept saying to Jack, that if she had known about it, she would have loved to given her ring to me and that my ring was beautiful but hers is special.

I wanted to add this little tidbit, after 2 years of planning. Jack's parents, kept telling us they wanted to help out with the wedding financially. But 2 days before everything was to be paid, they said they can't. This is a very common thing, for them. They did this to us to many times to count and always at the last minute, which forced us to scrimp to find the money to pay because it was too late to cancel. They promise us for a long time leading up to it and never offered to pay afterwards.

Ok, so now you guys have the back story. So lets get this party started!

So, I really need you guys to give me some advice. I want to know if I'm reading to much into this or is it going to be a real problem for the future!

There has been a lot of stuff that happened in the past but I will only give you what happened on the Wedding day.

Previously, I let all of my bridesmaids know that we had to meet at the venue at 8am. The night before Jack's Mother had offered to help drive some of us there with our dresses and stuff. Which was amazing but she was also dropping off her Daughter, who was in my Bridal Party. The original plan was, that she was just suppose to drop off the stuff and the Daughter, leave and go back to her house to pick up her Husband. Who didn't want to sit around and do nothing until ceremony. Completely Fair!

So we all arrived, unloaded all the cars and got things set up and ready! I thought his Mother was going to leave, so I went over to her to give her a hug and told her I would see her soon! She then says "oh, is it ok that I stay? I just wanted to hang out with you guys" (this is what she does to me, all the time.) being a people pleaser and not wanted to upset Jack's Mom. I said......sure.......

I figured she would just sit there and just talk, but I was honestly to busy to pay any attention to her. But it wasn't until... she started telling one of my bridesmaids what to do.

I was sitting in the chair, getting my makeup done, when I hear one of my bridesmaids asking about the line up for going down the aisle. She unfortunately had to miss the rehearsal, due to her work. Next thing I know, Rory speaks up and says " you need to follow "Bridesmaid", then line up on the right side of the arch. Daughter should be standing beside her brother".

Are f***ing kidding me! I almost jumped out the chair to interject but the makeup artist told me not to move or she would poke me in eye! What she said was completely wrong! Daughter was to go first, so that she is last in the line up and they are to line up on the left side. Not the right! Luckily, I have the best MOH ever! She spoke up and told Rory that plans had changed and she should ask someone before she says something, so that it doesn't stress me out! After that, I tried to calm down and not let anything else stress me out. But Rory kept at it!

It was time for the girls to put on their dresses and one of the girls was having an issue. Rory jumped off her chair, like a frog jumping into water. She started telling everyone what do to about their dresses. How they need to tack things and how to use safety pins, etc. All the girls (other then Daughter) looked at me annoyed. I was stuck! I couldn't tell her to stop or ask her to leave. Luckily, the Wedding coordinator came in and told her that it was time for her to go and get the Gru and she would see everyone at the ceremony. (God, I love that Women)

I was so luckily to be in the chair getting my hair fixed, so I couldn't give her a hug and just said I'll see you soon!

Everything from there went perfectly! My Husband was absolutely handsome and it went as smooth as possible.

After the ceremony, we wanted to get pictures done with the families. I had given the Photographer the list of what we both wanted beforehand! Following that list with my family, but when it came to his family. You guessed it, Rory had other ideas. She kept telling the Photographer, what people are to be what photos and how many shots, etc. Again, I was stuck. If I said something, it couldn't turn out bad and I didn't want that on my wedding day.

Once those photos were done, husband and I were suppose to get single shots of us done. In the middle of it, I see Rory walking down the path by herself and comes up and says " I want some shots, of us walking down the pathway together" I calmly told her that we were doing single shots right now and once we are done, we can come and get her. She gave me a stern look and just stood there until we were finished. Then happily grab both of our hands and walked down the pathway with us crying. I'm not sure if the photographer got shots or not but I'm hoping not. She then lead us to her side of the family (cousins, aunts and uncles) and demanded photos with them. Let me remind you guys again. They didn't pay for anything for this wedding. Also, those photos were not on the list, I gave to the photographer, who I paid for!

Feeling overwhelmed, I walked away from those shots and went to mingle with my side of the family and friends.

At dinner, everything seems perfect. Speeches started and it was going very smoothly. Until it was Rory and Gru turn. They went up and said they were proud of there son and " Good Luck". That's it.....Everyone kinda clapped but not really. It was more a like pity clap.

Unfortunately, Rory got to the DJ and started making demands to him. She asked that her Daughter go up and make a speech as well. Without us knowing. When the DJ called her name, I looked over at him and went what the hell!?. He later came to me and told me that it was her and I asked that he not take any more demands from anyone other then Jack and I.

Party started and it was a blast!!! We dance the whole night through! Well, until they told us to leave!!

As we were getting ready to leave, I had told my husband and his mother beforehand that I needed the whole backseat of the car, because my dress was soo big and I didn't want to wreck or cringle my dress. It was expensive! Well unfortunately, everyone else left and the only option for me to go home was to sit in the front seat of his Mother's car. Almost crying when I looked down at my dress, Rory speaks up and asks if she could take some cupcakes home, as she was having some family over the next day. We ended up with 4 boxes of cupcakes left at the end of the night. I told her it was fine, if she wanted to take 1 box home. I told her that I promised the other boxes to my Mother. She said thank you and it was silent all the way home.

When we got to the house, we find out that Gru (who had driving Jack's brand new car home) hit a raccoon on the way there. All he said was " Sorry" and got into Rory's car. Jack was pissed and kept looking at his car to see the damage. Luckily there was no damage. I went into the house and really had pee! Let me tell you, that was an adventure! But I didn't see everyone unload the cars. After they left, I went into kitchen and I see only 1 box of cupcakes. I asked Jack where the other boxes were. He said he didn't know. I then called his mother from his phone and asked where the other boxes were. She stated she thought I said she could have them. I said " No, I said you could have 1 box. My Mom gets the other boxes" She then tells me she would drop them off tomorrow. I phoned my Mom the next day and my Mom told me that Rory only gave her 1 box. I told Jack what she did and he called his Mother. She said that the family ate all the cupcakes and she only had 1 box left and that she didn't realize it until it was too late.

I couldn't believe it!

So, now reading all this. I have a question for all of you. When the pictures come in, do you think I am over reacting to say that I don't want to give them to her unless she pays for them?

I don't mind giving her the 2 photos of family but the others that she demanded..... not so much!

Only because of the demanding everything and not paying for anything!!!

Please let me know!

My in laws took us out for my birthday dinner to a nice restaurant. We were deciding what to order and my MIL kept suggesting to my husband to have a steak plate. He ended up choosing a prime rib baguette. She said are you sure??? He said yes mom it took me a long time to come to this decision and this is what I want. She started sighing like she was disappointed in him.

It pissed me off so much because my husband can’t make a decision to save his life and she’s the reason why. She questions every decision he makes. He’s a 45 year old man, he can decide what he wants to eat!! He ended up not ordering that and getting something else. I changed my order to the prime rib baguette out of spite.

She questions every decision that we make. We’re expecting a baby soon and she wants to be super involved but this is making me want to stay away from her. I don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones but everything she does lately annoys me.

A few weeks ago MIL was criticizing my sister because her 3 year old child was having a temper tantrum. She said “my children NEVER did that, they were so well behaved”. I said “they must have repressed it and saved it for adulthood”. I guess that hit a nerve with her. She knows my husband has poor anger management and explodes sometimes. As a child his mom would beat him into submission. Maybe if he was allowed to have tantrums as a child he wouldn’t have them now.

I never usually talk back to her so I think with was pretty shocked. She has been standoffish with me since then. This is the first year she didn’t buy me a birthday gift. It’s also the first year I can remember that my husband actually bought me gifts. I think only because I’m pregnant.

Last night she kept talking about how it’s the role of grandmothers to hold and wear the baby too. I just know this is going to be her idea of “helping” and she won’t help with anything we will actually need, like cooking or cleaning. I really don’t want her to take my baby from me during our bonding time.

Need some advice, aita?

Background: I’m pregnant and very high risk after having 4 miscarriages in the past. After the second miscarriage, while leaving the dr office* DH called MIL to tell her the news. Her response, “do the drs know what’s wrong and why she can’t carry a baby?” Like, not even in the car from hearing “sorry, there no heartbeat.” - all of our miscarriages were chromosomal abnormalities, nothing I could do. I went to therapy every week for 3 months trying to move past this comment. I’ve done well. Last month when FIL had a heart attack, I reached out to her every hour to check in, offered to get her an uber so she didn’t have to drive late at night, order her food, and just be emotionally available - more than anyone else in her family.

Fast forward: we did IVF to potentially eliminate another miscarriage and so far, fingers crossed, baby is super healthy. DH told MIL we don’t want visitors for a month so I can recover: I’m on blood thinners and will most likely end up needing a c-section. Last thing I want while my breasts are leaking, wearing a diaper, struggling with emotions, and on little sleep is to entertain guests. Also, call me selfish, but after losing 4 children, doing injections in my stomach and butt, and having 2-3 weekly appointments for almost a year I want to enjoy every single moment and not feel obligated to “share” my baby. We offered to put them up for 2 weeks following that month since they can’t afford hotels where we live - I felt this was super generous. Anyways, MIL started crying (this is her go-to when she doesn’t get her way) and also another reason I don’t want visitors, I don’t need to worry about a grown adults emotions while pp. It’s been about a month since DH broke the news, I’ve constantly updated her about the pregnancy and sent little texts to be friendly and try to build our relationship back but she only responds with emojis. She’s 70. I’m hormonal but I feel like I’ve tried after everything to be the better person but how can I have a relationship with a grown adult sending 👍 and ❤️ emoji’s consistently.

They live 12 hrs away (hence why we don’t want overnight visitors) and booked a cruise which will be in port by us for 4 hrs next week and I’m very worried her emotional outbursts will cause me to walk away. DH is very supportive and knows his mother is a lot. I just don’t know what else I can do but it’s causing me to hate this woman - the thought of her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I need to know, am I a hormonal ah or right in thinking she’s a vindictive, jealous, person because she didn’t get her way?

Fair warning, this is going to be LONG, and it’s only Part 1.

I’ve been spending some time writing and polishing a letter detailing my experiences with my MIL and FIL, beginning with my first pregnancy and continuing through my labor, postpartum recovery, and everything that ultimately led to going no contact. Whether I ultimately decide to send this letter to them or not, I genuinely feel like I need to get everything out of my head and onto paper. I’ve spent over two years continuously replaying these experiences in my mind, and I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted from carrying them around.

The more I’ve written, the more I’ve realized just how much has actually happened over the years. What I originally thought might be a relatively straightforward letter is inevitably turning into something much longer than I anticipated. I’ve barely scratched the surface, and I’ve already written several pages. Because of that, I know I’ll eventually have to break everything up into multiple posts if I want to share the entire experience here.

I’ve shared bits and pieces of my situation in this group before, but I also recognize that most people have only heard the surface-level details of what happened. For some, those details alone may be enough to understand why I made the decision to go no contact. Others may feel differently, and that’s perfectly fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and I don’t expect everyone to agree with my decisions or how I’ve handled certain situations. However, I thought it might be interesting to share a more complete, chronological account of what I actually experienced rather than continuing to share isolated incidents without all of the surrounding context.

I’m currently pregnant with our second child, and I think that’s a significant part of why I feel such a strong need to finally put everything into words. I don’t want to spend another pregnancy, labor, or postpartum period mentally revisiting everything that happened the first time around. I also don’t want to continue wondering what has or hasn’t been communicated to my husband’s family, especially when there have been repeated claims that they don’t understand what happened or why I made the decisions I did.

I’m not necessarily looking for validation, nor am I sharing this because I’m reconsidering my boundaries or looking for advice about reconciliation. I’m genuinely interested in hearing other people’s perspectives, whether anyone has experienced something similar, or simply what stands out to you as you read through everything. I also want to acknowledge that my husband played a significant role in how these situations unfolded, particularly when it came to establishing and maintaining boundaries with his family. I address his responsibility throughout the letter as well, because I don’t believe it would be fair or accurate to leave that out.

For this first post, I’m going to include the introduction to my letter along with the experiences that occurred during my pregnancy. I’ll continue sharing the remaining portions as I finish writing and organizing everything. I have absolutely no idea how many parts this will eventually turn into, but considering I’ve barely made it through the beginning, I can already tell it’s going to be quite a few. 😂

Anyway, apologies in advance for the novel. If you make it through the whole thing, I’d genuinely love to hear your thoughts, experiences, or perspectives!

***Additional context worth mentioning is that the way I was treated during one of the most vulnerable times of my life ultimately led me to seek therapy to process and heal from everything that happened. I’ve since been diagnosed with CPTSD, stemming from a combination of childhood trauma, sexual abuse, infertility, miscarriages, and other experiences. What makes this particularly heartbreaking is that everyone knew about my past and how much work I had already put into healing. The complete lack of support, repeated disregard for my boundaries, and failure to even acknowledge me as a person during my labor and postpartum recovery resurfaced and significantly exacerbated my trauma symptoms. What should have been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life instead became another experience I’ve had to work through in therapy.***

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\*\*PART 1: THE INTRODUCTION, PREGNANCY & LABOR\*\*

I have contemplated even writing this letter sharing my thoughts and firsthand experiences on as to why we are where we are today. My sole focus after having LO was in fact, navigating and growing as a mother to my baby, especially being as that I had to learn how to be a mother from the ground up with literally zero support outside of my marriage. I put the sole, entire responsibility onto SO to share what exact patterns of disrespect, selfishness, and boundary crossing were negatively affecting not only me but SO as well.

Not only did he struggle with having tough but very much needed conversations with his parents, the constant manipulation, guilt tripping, victimization, finger pointing to me as being the problem, etc. after every time he attempted to place any sort of boundary caused him to never successfully get then point(s) across.

A couple of interesting things have been brought to my attention as to why the pattern continues to repeat itself in the sense of both FIL and MIL stating that they “Don’t know what happened”. SO has spoken to FIL personally multiple times about specific events that happened that ultimately led to me keeping my distance from the dysfunction. Apparently, conversations have also taken place with both FIL AND MIL, but not as in depth due to no one wanting to hurt MIL’s feelings.

It has also recently been said to me that other members of the family have been led to believe that “FIL and MIL have been shut out from mine and LO’s life for no reason”. SO also informed me that his last conversation with both FIL and MIL on the phone, after our pregnancy announcement and boundaries moving forward letter was sent, that MIL had no idea about some of the reasons SO mentioned as to why things are the way they are now.

So that there is no more telephone game, no more watering down the severity of the situation to protect feelings of others for speaking up about their actions, no more continuous patterns of acting oblivious when it has been communicated multiple times (Per SO) I have ultimately decided that it is necessary for everyone to hear it straight from the source.

Now that I am pregnant with our second child, I feel it is necessary to finally get everything out in the open, not because I am seeking reconciliation or an apology, but because I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from carrying the weight of these experiences for over two years. I have spent far too much time revisiting what happened during my labor, postpartum recovery, and the months that followed, while constantly wondering what has actually been communicated, what has been minimized, and what version of events others have been led to believe. I refuse to spend another pregnancy, labor, or postpartum period with these same situations occupying my thoughts and negatively affecting my peace of mind and our marriage.

My priority is my health, my children, my husband, and the family SO and I have created. I am not writing this letter to argue, defend mine and/or SO’s decisions, or convince anyone to see things from my perspective. I am writing it so that my experiences are finally communicated in their entirety, directly from me, without being filtered through anyone else or softened to protect someone else’s feelings. What anyone chooses to think, feel, or do with this information afterward is entirely their responsibility, not mine and not SO’s.

I also want to make something abundantly clear. SO was fully aware of and included in the previous letter announcing our pregnancy and establishing our boundaries, just as he is aware of and included in this letter. Neither communication was something done behind his back or without his knowledge. Everyone involved is absolutely entitled to their own feelings and emotions regarding the situation, whether that be sadness, disappointment, frustration, or anything else. However, having those feelings does not justify immediately resorting to guilt-tripping, manipulation, blame-shifting, or attempting to portray me as the problem simply because the boundaries established by both me AND SO are not what someone wanted to hear.

What I find particularly telling is that immediately following our pregnancy announcement, individual messages were sent to SO outside of the group conversation expressing disappointment and once again placing blame on me, only to then return to the group conversation with a congratulatory message. The contrast between those communications was unnecessary and, from my perspective, manipulative. Rather than respecting what had been communicated, the immediate response reinforced the very patterns of behavior that contributed to these boundaries being established in the first place. You are entitled to your feelings, but you are not entitled to make those feelings someone else’s responsibility to manage, nor do those feelings override the boundaries we have established for our family.

So, here is why we are where are today, in no specific order, but starting with when I was pregnant:

—- Back in June of 2023, SO and I took a bunch of things to FIL and MIL’s house to sell at the yard sale. A lot of what we were going to have were baby items that we had been collecting over the past few years prior. We explained that we had been dealing with unexplained infertility issues and that I unfortunately had a first trimester miscarriage in October of 2022, and that holding onto those items was just kind of upsetting at that point so I wanted to pass them along to a baby or family that could use them. FIL was empathetic and apologetic. All MIL said was for us to “not tell SIL” because SIL was also navigating infertility, and that she knew of some people that yard sale that have babies and grandbabies etc. that might want to take what we don’t sell at the yard sale before we pack up. Looking back I didn’t even know how to feel in that moment. FIL being empathetic towards the situation made up for MIL not really acknowledging the hurt that was being expressed but I just brushed it off.

—-SO and I found out that I was pregnant October of 2023. We immediately wanted to share the news with FIL and MIL. I made up a cute little frame that said “baby last name is the size of a sesame seed” and glued a sesame seed to the middle of a heart. SO put it directly under the tv in the living room with a digital pregnancy test underneath the frame. It took a couple of hours of us sitting in the living room before SO finally pointed it out. All we got from MIL was an “oh that’s nice” type of response. SO and I both discussed it when we left about how we were confused by her reaction because we thought she would have been ecstatic or more excited.

—-Throughout my entire pregnancy, the only time MIL reached out to me was on days I had appointments, to see how the baby was doing. Looking back, I don’t believe that even when we were all together in person that I was ever asked how I was doing other than how the baby was doing.

—-Mother’s day 2024: we all came over on Mother’s Day for dinner. We were sitting at the table and SIL told me “Happy almost Mother’s Day” and I thought that was sweet. MIL immediately leaned over and made it a point to remind me that it wasn’t my Mother’s Day yet – not until next year. It genuinely shocked me how quickly she spoke up to say that to me, especially given the fact that she knew that we had dealt with fertility issues and had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with LO. I chose to just bite my tongue, but I ended up crying about it the entire way home.

—-When we were having the conversation that I was going to be having a natural birth at the birthing center, MIL’s only two concerns were 1) they didn’t do circumcisions at the birthing center and 2) where she could be in the room. I told her that we were not circumcising LO, and she asked if the hospital would do it later and asked, “Don’t you think he should look like SO?”. Then, I know that was at least the third time that both SO and I said that I did not want anyone in the room other than SO. She, again, pushed the issue and was saying that she “wouldn’t look” and that she was “only wanting to be there to see the baby” and that she would “hold my hand and not look”. She refused to hear no for an answer every time. I do recall saying something along the lines of “IF I decided to have anyone else in the room, they better not look at me because I will most likely be butt naked and feral.” But MIL took that answer as a yes, even though I never said that I wanted her or anyone else in there. Also, the comment and repeated conversation about circumcision made me incredibly uncomfortable.

—-When she bought diapers from our registry, she left a note saying that she “can’t wait to be a grandma again.” At the time I thought nothing of it, but in the grand scheme of things with how everything has surrounded MIL’s grandmother experience over everything, that comment was the beginning of a telling pattern that would play out in the future after having LO.

—-When I was heavily pregnant, I bumped into FIL at work and just asked how MIL was doing and he told me that she had been busy “getting the house ready for the baby.” I didn’t know what to even make of that at the time because not only was neither myself nor SO ever asked what plans were for returning to work after having LO, it was just automatically assumed by everyone outside of me and SO that MIL would have LO every day when I went back to work.

—-At my baby shower SIL gifted us with two car seats, which was genuinely nice of her. I can’t remember if it was SIL or MIL who said it, but they had told me that “mom already had her car seat” and that really confused me. I didn’t know that other people outside of me and SO were discussing plans of care for our baby when no one else ever asked us personally prior.

LABOR:

—-SO and I had discussions for MONTHS surrounding the boundaries I had wanted for when I went into labor. One of them being that when I went into labor that I did not want anyone to know, especially immediately, mainly because I did not want anyone bothering or hounding us for updates the entire time. I went into labor while he was at work and he left early to come home. As soon as he got home, he said he wanted to let FIL and MIL know because a coworker saw him leaving work early and he didn’t want them to hear from anyone else about him leaving early, even though no one knew why he left to begin with. I begged him not to but he ended up telling them anyway.

From then on, both FIL and MIL were either calling or texting every 30 minutes or so wanting an update of some sort. MIL was asking when she could come over, where she should go etc. SO unfortunately spent the entire duration of my labor by his phone to respond to both of them as soon as they would message or call.

In between and during painful contractions I had to tell SO to put his phone down and help me or turn his phone off. Even when I was needing physical help, it seemed like every time I would look up or reach for him, he was on the phone communicating with FIL and MIL. Even when we had to go back and forth between the birthing center, then from the birthing center to the hospital, he had to tell them when we got in the car where we were going. It was incredibly stressful and exhausting.

—-I went into giving birth with no birth plan necessarily other than getting baby out safely. I wanted so bad to have a natural labor and birth but getting baby out safe was the main goal for me. But another one of my preemptive boundaries that I had in place for my labor was that if I ended up having to go to the hospital, that I again did not want anyone in the room. When I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, I was near death from exhaustion and terrified. After getting an epidural and some much-needed rest etc., my dilation was progressing, so I told SO to hurry and go to the cafeteria to get something to eat since I was most likely going to be delivering soon and I didn’t want him passing out or waiting another long stretch without food.

Before he went to the cafeteria, he told me that his parents had been waiting in the waiting area and asked if it was okay for them to come back to the room. He knew how I felt about it and that my answer was going to be no, but I was too exhausted to argue about it, so I unfortunately went against my wants and said yes. When FIL and MIL got back to the room, I was sitting up in bed and MIL started settling in like she was expecting to stay during the birth.

SO got back to the room and as soon as he got back, I told him to get the nurse to check me because I was feeling a lot of pressure. When the nurse got to the room, I asked FIL and MIL to leave. MIL was acting like she did not want to leave the room, and the nurse had to tell her to honor my request and leave the room. MIL and FIL left the room and the nurse said I was fully dilated and ready to push.

—-After I delivered LO, SO again broke one of the boundaries that I had in place for my labor and birth. He immediately took a photo of LO laying on my chest without me knowing and sent it to his parents. The reason for me not wanting that to happen, like SO and I had previously discussed, is because a few weeks prior, MIL sent out a photo of SO’s cousin Bri right after she had her baby and to me that felt a little sneaky because that photo of a very personal moment clearly made it’s way through multiple people to end up being sent to me and SO.

I did not know that he had sent the photo to FIL and MIL until months after I gave birth. After SO sent the picture, I had to get stitched up from having a second-degree tear etc. After getting myself situated, I was enjoying the golden hour with LO and just enjoying being present with just the three of us. FIL and MIL asked if they could come back to the room as soon as they got the photo of LO on my chest and then got offended when SO told them “Not yet.

—-When I was transferred over to the post-birth room, the only concern seemed to be when FIL and MIL could come back to the room. I, again, was too exhausted to argue the fact that I just wanted to rest and that I did not want visitors but reluctantly agreed to letting FIL and MIL come back just so that I didn’t have to worry about being pressured about the situation anymore and so that SO would hopefully just stay off of his phone.

When SO texted them to tell them that they could come back to the room, the response he got was “Are we allowed to?” It was never about anyone not being allowed anything to go the way that they wanted, it was that I just went through 69 hours of labor and every boundary that I had set in place for myself was getting steamrolled over and over again. I just wanted rest and was not up for having visitors or being pressured into passing my baby around during that time.

—-When FIL and MIL got back to the room, neither one of them wanted to look at me. FIL sat on the bench at the end of the bed and had some small talk with me which was nice, but MIL refused to even look at me. No “are you okay?” “Can I get you anything?” Nothing. It was noticeably clear that there was tension in the air due to me not wanting them in the room when I delivered LO, and it felt extremely uncomfortable.

—-FIL and MIL brought a card for SO, two stuffed animals for LO, but didn’t bring a thing for me. I never expected a gift from anyone, but the fact that SO and LO received gifts and I got nothing but the cold shoulder, was incredibly offensive.

—-FIL took a photo of me holding LO, but then I was asked to take a photo of SO holding LO, along with FIL and MIL. No one wanted to take photos with me or photos with me and LO, but I was expected to take photos of them from my bed.

—-When I was in the bathroom, the nurse had to come in to check LO’s vitals. When the nurse was done, she tried to hand LO over to SO, but I could hear the nurse commenting on how MIL “swooped in to take him”. I was in the bathroom so all I could really do was yell out “Did she wash her hands?” Since MIL got to the room it seemed like an inconvenience for me to ask her to wash her hands before holding LO, because she only wanted to use hand sanitizer. That was just another example of any boundary that I would try to express was met with resistance rather than acknowledging what I was requesting anyone do before holding my newborn.

—-FIL and MIL stayed at the hospital until close to 9 pm or whenever the visitors cut off time was. Before they left, MIL commented to SO to make sure he got some sleep that night because he “looked exhausted”. He looked exhausted. When I was the one that was exhausted due to just giving birth, but SO needed to rest. I.m not at all saying that SO didn’t need rest but that just seemed insensitive to say in front of me given what I had just went through. A comment was also made about SO going home to “take a shower” etc. and me sleep, and MIL hold and watch LO.

—-The next day, it was around 8am give or take, MIL was asking to come to the hospital. SO asked me and I said no because I didn’t want any visitors etc. and we already had a lot of hospital staff coming in and out of the room all morning. Pressure was put on me to allow them to come over when we got home from the hospital, yet again that is another boundary that I had in place that was ignored. I didn’t want any visitors the first few days at least after giving birth. As the day went on, MIL kept asking repeatedly when we were going to be getting home so that they could come over. So, again, SO was on his phone communicating with them more than being present with me and LO.

Okay.. so I scheduled a private ultrasound to find out the gender for my gender reveal later this month. My best friend was going to be there to get the gender and she was the only one that was supposed to know since she’s planning the gender reveal.

I ended up inviting my partners mom and sister because I knew his sister really wanted to come to one of the appointments.

When it came time for the tech to figure out the gender, she turned off the big screen to write the gender on her little screen. BUT not only did my best friend look (which is fine obviously) but his sister and mom looked.

The more I think about it, the more it kind of pisses me off. I initially didn’t really care to do a gender reveal, I always wanted to just know immediately. But his mom had said she wanted to be surprised, and my best friend was really excited about the idea of planning a gender reveal for me. So I agreed mainly bc she said she wanted to be surprised.

So now the both found out before me, and I just feel like part of the surprise is ruined.

My best friend ended up texting my mom and telling her since I didn’t feel it was fair for his mom to know and not mine. And then of course I got it out of my mom bc I didn’t want to wait to know if they knew.

But now I’m questioning whether or not to even do the gender reveal, and also questioning if it’s valid for me to be pissed at them about it… 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

We had an instance from a door to door lawnmower who wanted to do the lawn for a fee. We just had our first child and the both of us have not had a chance to upkeep the lawn nor remove fencing piled up at the back. My wife wanted to do this 2 weeks ago and although I wanted to hire someone to do this she went ahead and did this. I rejected the door to door person and said we will handle it or I will hire someone when I have time. The mil lashed out at me saying why her daughter had to do this 2 weeks ago while having to do other baby related things. I responded saying we will handle this - though in my mind I was wondering if this was any of her business. Wife stepped in saying she wanted to do this,I didn’t “ make” her do this. When I stepped out, the mil started ringing waste removal places to get rid of the fencing but nothing was finalised. Makes me think - since when does a third person have a say in the household purchased by n n my wife. Though I’m partly to blame for not tending to this issue over the last 6 mths. I wonder if what I did was right or should I have told her to stay out of this.

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for some outside perspectives because I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

My boyfriend  (33M) and I (28F)  have been together for over five years. During that time, we've had around five serious arguments. Whenever we had a fight, he would go to his mom and sister to vent. Because of that, I feel like they've built a very negative image of me based only on the worst moments in our relationship.

They see me as weak, overly emotional, dramatic, and sensitive. They've actually said these things to me directly. 

For some background, my boyfriend's family has been through a lot. His father abused all if them. My sister-in-law had to grow up very quickly. My MIL and SIL have both had unhealthy relationships in the past, and they're both now single and have no interest in having a partner. They're also people who don't really talk about their feelings.

I've also experienced difficult things in my life. Some things are similar to them. We have talked about this. They know everything. I have a hard time letting go of my trauma’s. I am going to therapy. I have ptsd, panic attacks and anxiety. I am working on them. They always tell me to my face that I am weak, overreacting, and ‘just let it go’.
My parents taught me that it's healthy to talk about emotions and work through them. I don't see showing emotions as weakness, but I feel like they do.

The difficult part is that I don't know if they dislike me because of who I am, because of what they've heard after our arguments, or because our personalities and ways of dealing with emotions are just completely different. 

Now my boyfriend and I are trying to get pregnant.  I genuinely want my MIL and SIL to be part of our future children's lives. I don't want to keep them away. But at the same time, I'm worried about raising children around people who don't seem to respect me. I don't want my future kids to grow up hearing that their mother is "dramatic" or "weak."

I've tried being polite and respectful, but I still feel judged every time I'm around them.
My boyfriend has talked to them about their behaviour. I have also talked to them.
My SIL said she doesn’t want me around her at the moment. I just don’t know why. I see my MIL more than my own family. I give her gifts for mother’s day and her birthday. I work so hard for them to like me, but they just don’t. 

So reddit… What should I do? Did I do something wrong? 

I'd really appreciate honest advice. 

Thanks for reading.

UPDATE

SMy BIL and his girlfriend of one year are also trying to get pregnant. My MIL is really excited about the possibility of them having a baby, but when we told her that we’re trying to conceive as well, she wasn’t excited at all. Instead, she started making excuses and warning us about how difficult having a baby is.

She even told me that I wasn’t ready to have children and that I wasn’t mentally healthy enough to be a mother.

What really bothers me is the double standard. My BIL struggled with drug addiction until about five months ago. I’ve never taken drugs, and I used to only drink wine on weekends. Since we started trying to conceive, I’ve stopped drinking altogether.

Yet somehow, his mother thinks I’m the one who isn’t ready for a baby.

I understand that having a child is a huge responsibility, and I’m not saying that my BIL can’t be a good father. But why is she so supportive of them while questioning our ability to be parents? It feels incredibly hurtful to be judged like this, especially when she seems to have no problem supporting their decision to have a child.

Honestly, I feel like my MIL is constantly judging me. It feels like she has already decided that I’m not good enough to be a mother, even though I haven’t done anything to make her think that. The fact that she’s so excited about my BIL having a baby but reacts so negatively when we talk about having one makes me feel like she sees me as the problem. I don’t know why she has such a different attitude toward us, but it really hurts and makes me feel like she doesn’t trust me or believe I could be a good mother.

I know I will be a good mother, and it hurts that she seems to think otherwise. I feel like she has already judged me without giving me a chance. I know nobody is a perfect parent, but I’m willing to learn, grow, and do everything I can to give my future child a loving and stable home. I just wish she would trust me instead of making me feel like I’m not good enough.

I'm really hurt.

What should I do?

So we were sitting on the couch watching Shameless, and my husbands phone was blowing up.

It was his mother. The text basically said “why would you tell your dad I cheated on him with the neighbor??? You should’ve come to me right away and I would’ve cleared this up. I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON YOUR FATHER!!!!!”

He’s like… wtf???

It was so random. I have been no contact with her for two years, he gets clingy texts from her every single day but never sees her other than ON occasion (maybe once every 3 months) she comes to see him and our children. 🙃 but she lives less than 2 miles away so I guess that’s okay, it could be way, way worse. Lol.

Hello
This is a long one, bare with me. I have been with my Husband for 2.5 years we have known each other and were friends for about 3 years prior. There is an age difference (not that it should matter) but about 10 years (myself, female being the older) I have a child from a previous relationship as well.

Backstory - I have NEVER felt completely welcomed by his family, and he is aware. Comments have been made almost since the start. The first year of us dating, he moved in fairly quickly and at thanksgiving his mom (let’s call her Laura) made a comment about how my husband never told anyone that he was now living with me, which is wildly untrue as he mentioned many times I think she just did not approve of it. Fast forward to new years, we invited everyone over for games (what do you meme) and a card was read by my husband that read “it’s Aprils fools day and she tells you she’s pregnant” and immediately Laura blurts out “GOD I HOPE NOT”.
I voiced to my husband later that evening how hurtful that was and he agreed but also completely avoids conflict and took months to even say anything to Laura which she of course said was “just a joke”.

At this time, we had been trying for a baby as I am no spring chicken and even now we have still been unsuccessful.

We always included his family on many things we had done, I should also mention I am not a people person , I like my tribe and other than that, keep to myself- my job is very demanding and I deal with many people all day, in my down time I like very minimal interaction with many people. However, we always tried to include them.

After the new years fiasco, his sister (we will call her Tammy) got into an argument with him about how he is never around anymore which was odd because prior to moving in with me he lived 2 hours away from his family and saw them even less. Tammy then made a comment about how she doesn’t always like seeing us because she feels like a “Babysitter” to my kid. Mind you she had been around my child maybe 3 times, all at family events, where of course my child would be included. Tammy also wants to work in childcare which was wild that a statement like this would be made- so it was clear she just did not like MY child who is a sweetheart and is honestly fine just sitting next to someone on her tablet or coloring. This rubbed me the wrong way and I have not wanted much contact with Tammy ever since. My husband was also very unhappy with this as he looks at my child as his own.

Fast forward to us getting engaged- we told his parents and immediately Laura had to make it clear she better have a mother /son dance. I have no relationship with my dad (his choice for not wanting to accept faults due to his alcoholism and apologize for hurtful comments). My husband and I had not even discussed dances and tbh I was going to ask not to have them because it saddens me that my father will not be at my wedding. On top of that asks us who is in our wedding party, which we did already have an idea and I’m sure you can guess that NO Tammy was not someone I would be including in my party. However my husband is having my brother in his party because they are close. Immediately his parents said WHAT ABOUT TAMMY. I didn’t want to cause an argument being that this was supposed to be about our happy news and they just decided she needed to be in my party. My husband and Tammy are not even that close but Laura has to facilitate everything.

This was making my blood boil, Tammy was not happy about our news and does not like my child and I’m assuming myself as well but now I have to include her into my party?

Side note- as my husband and I were struggling to get pregnant we ended up going to the court house in March to get married and only a few close people know- my mom, my child, and 2 of our close friends (none of his family to avoid further comments and disapproval) as we have a wedding planned next year. This was so that I could be covered on his plan to go through IVF which is incredibly stressful and mentally draining in itself.

Months go by and as stated I’m not a people person and after thanksgiving, Christmas and new years I need a break especially from family. Laura got upset with this. And requested a lunch with me to chat (yay- eyeroll) this was in April.

This lunch , I was VERY prepared with notes. I made it clear that the previous comments made by her were hurtful and I don’t find them as jokes, that it’s an excuse to use to claim you were not trying to hurt someone’s feelings. I made it clear I was not happy that our engagement news was immediately turned into what she wanted dance wise and having Tammy in my party , etc. I told Laura about the rude comment made by Tammy about my child (which Laura seemed to know nothing about). I also stated that my husband and I are adults and do not need or want consistent unsolicited advice. Laura claimed she was sorry and would be more mindful.

June- we had a vacation planned with our families. It started off fine, Laura and I went to lunch I opened up to her about who I am as a person, that I do keep to myself and reasons why, the past issues with my dad (which are pretty fresh within the last 3 years) and how hard that is on me also that my husband and I are struggling to get pregnant which is even harder. We had a great lunch I really thought we were breaking through. FINALLY. Or so I thought .

The next day they had some friends come over to the house we were at (my families house) remember I’m not a people person. I was cordial however, they weren’t there for me anyways they were all chatting. We decided to the pool and they were all conversing at the table while my husband, child and I were swimming. I hadn’t eaten anything all day and brought one snack in my personal beach bag. I finally get out of the pool ready for some food and they had gone into my bag without asking and ate my snack and said nothing. (Who just goes into someone’s bag) weird imo. I was not happy I was hangry actually. We head back to the house and I got cleaned up and my child just wanted to play in my room and at that point I’m overstimulated and need my space so I stayed and played with my child. The friends leave and the night ends.

The next day Laura and her husband went off on their own and we did our own thing. That night when we got back and saw them it was almost midnight and I wanted to go to bed and put my child to bed. I wasn’t talkative - I was tired and wanted sleep.

The next morning my husband wakes up to take our dog outside and Laura went OFF at him about me. How I am a horrible person, I was so mean to her and didn’t want to talk with her the night prior. How I was so unbelievably rude to her friends and more. Screaming this outside where all neighbors and myself included could hear. Laura came in and asked if we could speak I said I have nothing to say to you.

They were going to leave, my husband felt torn which upset me and I told him. He went to speak with Laura and she wanted to all sit down and talk. We did. While speaking I told her I felt everything with her was fake, how I thought we had FINALLY connected just 2 days prior really opening up about who I am. She gave an extremely sarcastic apology and I said see right there that is fake to which she replied “yea, you know what? That was fake”.

That’s where it ended I walked away.

At this point my husband did not know everything I had opened up to Laura about so he did not fully understand.

The vacation finally came to an end basically doing things separately the rest of the time. We had previously invited them for the 4th weekend and that was uncomfortable as ever.

I have not spoken to Laura or seen them since. I recently opened up to my husband about all I had shared and it took Laura only 2 days to turn around and shit on me. My husband has had extremely minimal contact with her since our trip and less since I opened up.

He keeps saying he wants to having a conversation with Laura however what will it really do because at this point any apology will not feel sincere.

Our wedding planning is starting to vamp up and holidays arriving . I made it clear I do not want to join everyone for thanksgiving but that he was welcome to go see them. He said he does not want to join them if I am not. I do not feel comfortable around people who clearly do not like me and why should I put myself through that? I have no idea what to do about Christmas but obviously we have wedding get togethers coming up. I will have to see them. But AITA for wanting low contact with MIL?