So my MIL (who is co stantly jealous of my rs with her son & my “youth” and pretty much everything but tries to act all friendly) keeps sending me bikini pics of herself from vacation. Not sure how to respond so I didnt even open them. Will she conclude that Im jealous if i dont respond😂?
Over the holiday weekend my MIL was cooking for the bbq and I guess you can say that I snapped at her, it was hot in our kitchen with no AC and she was sweating I see her take the kitchen towel that i use to dry the dishes with to wipe her sweat and then used it to wipe the kitchen counter with... and I told her we have napkins for that, shes like what? I said you just wiped your sweat with the kitchen towel that i used on the dishes to dry them, she said no its ok I said no its not... you're dirtying my clean dishes, thats disgusting cant you just use napkins or paper towels??? She walks away and I got up from chair and threw away the kitchen towel, I know I could of washed it but it would of bugged me knowing what it used for
I hate my MIL. She lives with us and instead of helping us financially the agreement is she’s to help with house chores, help with making dinner and childcare during the week while I’m working. Instead, she spends all day in her room and if she’s ever in the common area or watching my son she’s on her phone. This agreement has been going on for 6 months and I’m at my wits end with her. My son is 22 months old and I’m 35 weeks pregnant. While she does help with cleaning I’m the one who makes dinner every night and I’m watching my son while working from home. Whenever she needs something she asks me instead of my bf. She’s blown up on me 3 times in the 6 months she’s lived with us. She’s called me a liar, she’s commented on how much I’m eating and that my baby is going to be born big, she’s said I’ve ruined her relationship with her son, she’s said I’ve treated her as a servant and not like family. She has made no effort to try and have a relationship with me but expects me to have one with her. She has compared me to my bf’s exes. She doesn’t actually watch my son. Instead she resorts to screen time after my bf has told her we’re limiting it. She gives him crayons and markers and walks away from him in which resulted in him coloring on the floor.
I’ve tried to be nice and have even taken her to get a pedicure to try and build a relationship and in the end it didn’t matter since it went back to how she usually is which is just her being rude and ungrateful and hiding in her room all day. I’m done being the only one who puts effort into a relationship and at this point I just want her gone.
The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back occurred this weekend. And I just need some validation here….
FIL is widower from the time my DH was 5. One child, FIL wanted a huge family. His second wife divorced him shortly after our wedding. Third wife entered picture while I was pregnant w first kid.
She comes complete with grown children and grandkids who are now 18+. We were happy for him, and also happy to have a Brady bunch style family for my kids to belong to as we don’t really have family on my side.
Ff to Microaggressions over almost a decade, when we get together for family meals, we were made to eat in a separate room due to space at the table. They could buy a bigger table (they’re loaded and there’s space) they just simply never did. Also on a family vacation last year my children were forced to leave the dining table to make room for the adults because “they had nearly an hour to eat” per MIL. I almost flipped the table and the next day she apologized after moping around all day “I’m sorry if I offended you” (lol). So after that we began to distance ourselves instead of going weekly to just maybe every other week. She seems overall fairly uninterested in our children. And they notice (aged 9 and 8).
4th of July. She invites a large amt of her extended family to stay, watch fireworks, etc. we go every year. They live off of a river that’s great for swimming, etc. We forgot our dry clothes (we actually left some friends’ pool parties to make it because family yay). I realize this when we get out of the river about an hour before dinner. We laugh “oh well, that’s summer”. Dinner time, MIL corners me in a quiet area while I have the food plates for both kids “since you’re wet, I want you to sit outside so you don’t get the furniture wet” in the 100 degree heat, in barely damp swimsuits. The kicker? There was nowhere for us to sit inside anyway with the 20+ people there. All seats have covers on them anyway. We descend the stairs to a separate level of the house, outside on the patio. Completely removed. My eyes welled up and I locked eyes with my husband and said “we…we need to leave, tell them I’m sick or something, we just need to go. I can’t do this”. He agreed. And we did.
I am not a dramatic person. I’m not emotional. I have dealt with so much in my life and am low maintenance. I have had a mantra from a young age of “they don’t really know what they said/did hurt my feelings, it’s fine”. I will say that I am sensitive to the kids being treated unfairly. But I am a high level healthcare professional who manages acutely ill patients in two hospitals. My husband works for a power utility managing engineers. We are objective people who are trained to be calm in high stress situations and manage conflict.
But this? This took effort from MIL. It’s a clear message especially after last year. That’s what bothers me. DH called FIL next day and FIL said it was somehow his fault that we didn’t have seats. Spoiler alert, that man manages nothing in his own house.
I told DH I would never go there again.
When we got home I had so much of a panic attack that I vomited. Now on Monday I sit here at work with palpitations. Knowing that my kids won’t really have a grandmother who likes them, a grandfather who barely acknowledges their existence. That we must be the pioneers of the family that we want. That I wasted 9 years trying to please my husband and be part of a large family group that has overall simply tolerated but ignored us, sacrificing valuable Sunday nights to late dinners for the kids and losing the prep time for the work week. The good thing is that we’re independent and require nothing from them.
Oh, We have a family vacation with them planned next week. 🤦🏼♀️
So I’ve always had pretty low contact with my MIL however I fell pregnant at the beginning of the year and me and my partner made the decision to tell people early. We decided that based on if the worst happens then at least people will understand why we don’t want to be around others etc … as his family have quite a lot of gatherings, and if the worst doesn’t happen then amazing, everyone knows.
The worst did happen and it was a very traumatic experience. We rang round our parents the day we found out to explain what had happened and she immediately broke down as we were also doing. I then didn’t see her for a few weeks as I just couldn’t face her as I knew what would happen.
Anyways the inevitable happened and his dad had come to our house to help us fix a light, MIL decided to tag along and come round for a coffee. Me, my partner and his mum were all sat in the lounge having a brew as I’d begged him before hand not to leave me on my own with her. His dad then needed some help so he went up to help him and I was left with her. It took her all of 5 minutes to bring up my miscarriage. I just kept answering her questions very bluntly because I didn’t want to talk about it with her but I also didn’t want to be accused of being rude, she was telling me how much it had upset her, that she had planned a nursery out in their house, and then went on to ask me if I think my anaemia had contributed to it… it felt like she was looking to blame me the minute my partner had left the room. I explained lots of people have anaemia and have babies and we were just unlucky. There was a few other things she said but that was the general gist of it.
I then told my partner what she had said to me when he left the room. He brought it up with her, and she told him that I had seemed quite happy chatting with her about it, and she asked about my anaemia because she thought I might have to go for blood tests and basically refused to admit she had done anything wrong. That never happened, she never mentioned blood tests to me.
Ever since this I decided to go totally no contact, I feel frustrated because she is now acting like nothing happened. It was amazing when we told her I was pregnant, it felt like our relationship had improved overnight, she was texting me asking how I am etc .. and now she’s back to basically ignoring me and replying to the odd Instagram story I post.
I don’t know what to do because I feel bad on my partner that I don’t want to be around his mum, and what about when we do have children, what do I do then, but also I just can’t deal with her anymore. She’s done loads of things like that where she’s acted totally different in front of her children in comparison to her two daughters in law. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve started looking at moving because I don’t want to even live near her.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. (29M) (25F)
His mother has always been considered by everyone as an angel, but from the moment I started spending time with her I immediately realized it’s all a mask, and she is the most fake and manipulative person I have ever met.
She is the classic mother obsessed with her son: when he is at home he is not allowed to lift a finger and she does absolutely everything for him—washing for him, ironing for him, packing his bags, and literally anything else.
I don’t think she has ever liked me. I think she has always just pretended. In fact, she has often made very inappropriate comments about his ex in front of me, telling me intimate sexual details about their relationship and implying they were practically married, constantly calling her “the little one” in front of me.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, has never defended me, and his mother has already been the cause of arguments in the past.
This year my boyfriend had a complication due to surgery, and that’s when the nightmare began.
He needed care while he was in the hospital, and I witnessed disgusting scenes. His mother would literally snatch things out of my hands and push me away (physically push me) so she could do everything herself, trying to even wash him, including intimate parts, putting her hands on him even when he was capable of doing it himself. She would get angry if I so much as did a load of laundry for him.
When he was unconscious, she tried to convince me that she was more important than me and that he needed her, not me.
She repeatedly humiliated him publicly, sending voice messages to people about his intimate details, even about how he went to the bathroom, to the point that his friends were messaging me asking me to stop her.
She also repeatedly spread lies, such as claiming he was saved thanks to her and not the doctors, and that he once cried because she supposedly wouldn’t be able to stay (none of this ever happened).
When he regained consciousness, he started to slightly stand up for himself, but she would sulk and get angry, and he would then give in to please her. We had to beg just to have time alone together.
I should also add that she has always made inappropriate comments about her son’s physical appearance, to the point where I prefer not to write them here.
Another thing I discovered is that she has told many lies about her ex-husband (the father of her children), probably to turn us against him. She is a pathological liar.
I could write a book about everything that happened during this hospital period; there isn’t enough space to describe it all, but this gives an idea.
Now I’m staying at their house because there is no way I’m going to let her, who I genuinely think is a psychopath, be alone giving her son—whom she is obsessed with—his shower. Living here is a nightmare.
She ignores me, especially when he is not watching. For example, if I say good morning she looks at me and doesn’t answer. She only speaks to us in the singular, as if I don’t exist. If we go out, she only asks him what he did and whether he enjoyed himself.
If we go out for more than two days in a row, she gives him the silent treatment and tries to make him feel guilty. She also looks for any excuse to touch him—for example removing his socks while he is lying down, even when he didn’t ask for it.
She has already taken time off work to attend every hospital visit he has scheduled, and she always tries to speak to the doctors instead of him, not giving him space to talk and making him look stupid.
I am exhausted, completely drained, and I think I seriously need therapy. The worst part is that he doesn’t defend me. He says I am right but that it is something between me and his mother and I should talk to her myself.
But how can he not understand? She is his mother—this involves him. Everything she does is about his body and life, and it should bother him too. But he doesn’t seem to care, probably because he was raised like this and is afraid to stand up to her.
I am also afraid that if he has another surgery, I will have to go through all of this again.
I don’t know what to do.
This post may better be titled “MIL is definitely a narcissist and here’s one example that opens up a lot of questions about the future…”
Husband has a VERY large extended family on his dad’s side (>50 first cousins) and we live in the same metro area as his parents and 90% of his family. My family lives ~7hrs away.
I was on a girls trip that included my MIL recently when she “reminded” me of two extended family events coming up back to back weekends. We hadn’t even received the invites yet. The look on her face was PISSED when I told her H and I wouldn’t be able to attend either because we already had dates on the calendar for my parents to visit and help us with maintenance on our new/first house. It was so uncomfortable that my soon-to-be SIL commented on it to me later on.
The next day MIL told me that I could just bring my parents to the first event and that the host wouldn’t mind… as if this was a big favor to us. My MIL has only met my parents twice. The most recent time was at our wedding and she treated my family as if they were beneath her (she treats my husband’s dad’s family this way too). And this is not the first time that she’s pressured me to alter plans with my family to accommodate things she wants us to attend.
She’s now texting about both events fishing for updates and being a general pest. This works on my husband but DEFINITELY doesn’t work on me (more on that below) which isn’t that big of a deal but is just annoying AF.
She also doesn’t even actually care about any of these people and complains about/judges them constantly. She doesn’t have relationships with any of them individually or outside of opportunities to be performative. She’s just decided that I’m now also a prop for and reflection of her “most devoted member of the family” act and/or that my attendance is is a measure of my worthiness for “her” family and/or that participation in family events is some weird control tactic.
And not to mention, my husband’s extended family is genuinely wonderful and it’s maddening that she’s turned having a relationship with them into a “win-win” power struggle where she either gets to perceive herself as dominant, or gains “evidence” that I’m a terrible DIL who doesn’t care about my husbands family.
Anyway. Husband and I are getting ready to start trying for our own family and the boundary issues keep me up at night. I’ve done a lot of work on boundaries and respect within my own family (eldest daughter and former scapegoat) so I have a pretty solid foundation to approach these issues, and my husband is actively in therapy working on some people pleasing tendencies and making really solid progress towards better managing his relationship with her, but the path we’re about to head down with MIL makes me so nervous. I’m already thinking about how to start setting boundaries and expectations now and how to limit our exposure to her coercion once kids are in play. I So… any advice that’s worked for you? (not ready to go no contact, we’re already low contact).
I am so sad. I just can’t do this anymore. My MIL moved in about 3 years ago and…sigh I really don’t even know how to explain how I feel. She has deeply betrayed our trust by putting our child in unsafe conditions. She has broke my husband’s heart when he found a list of men who could possibly be his father when she told him it was one dude. She is so dirty. Absolutely filthy and it’s unsanitary. I’m a clean freak and my home used to be spotless. Now I am wiping feces off of walls, light switches, doors etc.
She’s in debt and now processors are calling me and banging on my door scaring my child. She makes my daughter feel guilty. My husband is working with a lawyer to move her out but she’s broke and getting on government assistance takes so much longer than people realize. It’s been 6 months and they’re still working on it. Our sex life is dead, I hide in my room with my child from her. I’ve called every hotline for “help” and there really isn’t any help. They just refer you to websites to watch videos and read materials.
She never leaves the house. She has no friends or family. She’s never had a career and lived with her parents her entire life. She refuses to acknowledge her mistakes, change her behavior, see a therapist, or even apologize. I have lupus and it’s affecting my health. She had cancer and I had to quit my job to take care of her. I didn’t mind because I loved her, but then when we were cleaning her room we found all of the lies. Found the debt, the list of possible baby daddies (there’s 19), hidden food for her expired, and hidden food for my cat who I told her not to feed bc she has a chronic disease.
There’s too much to say, but I have lost everything to this woman. My daughter is depressed (she sees a child psychologist), my marriage is barely hanging on, I lost my career I loved helping people, I’ve lost my home, lost my privacy, lost my happiness, and had to drop out of college. My lupus flares are so bad I’m stuck in bed more now, and all I can do is wait until Medicaid goes through. I am serving a prison sentence in my own home and my room is my cell. I see my therapist weekly, psychiatrist monthly, and my PCP every 3 months. I am doing the best I can, but I’m starting to have awful thoughts. I do share these with my medical team (they’re wonderful tbh) but I’m confused why I hate myself so much for all of this. I feel I should be stronger and more empathetic but instead I’m broken and resentful.
I am( f) 24 and my husband (m) 30 we have been married for 2 years and we have had some ups and downs
My mother is law loves her son like really really much like getting jealous on some things kind of love
And for past 2 months I have been observing some things like how much she adores her son and how much she dislikes me
But for the past 2 days she is really much
Like she would not let me do housechores in peace and interfering in every thing I do
For example
If I am making sambar ( lental soup ) she wil purposefully stay and guide me like I don't know shit although I am making some sambar for 2 years
Today I was doing some other chore and she was making tea I asked her to make tea for me and my husband but when I came inside she had prepared tea only for him and in the tea pot has less than half cup of tea and told me make tea for yourself I have prepared tea for your husband and gave the tea to my husband
I looked at my husband and he told me she is like that only adjust it's not a big deal
I don't know what to do about this I am really really sick of my husband not standing up for me in front his mother for 2 years now
We are trying for a baby and I don't know if I want that with him
If he can't stand up for his wife how is he going to stand up for our kid on day?
I really need your opinion on this
Should I stay and fight for my right and self-respect or should I leave and be done with
I never talked back to her because I believed it would turn into a fight and she will never accept her wrong doings and iam not a confrontational person.
Now I am realising they are treating me like trash and saying whatever they feel like and treating me like a low life just because they know I will never talk back
I think I have reached my limit of tolarence
Sorry for any gramer mistake english is not my first language
And do share your opinion I really need that right now
I you have any doubt comment and I will explain
I’ve (27f) been with my boyfriend (28m) for going on 5 years. For the entirety of our relationship, we’ve gone on a summer vacation with his mom and brother. One year, we even went away for 2 weeks and I used all of my PTO on the trip.
As our relationship has progressed, I feel like we’re outgrowing the trips. It interferes with our trips as a couple, because my boyfriend will use a week of PTO on his family trip, and then be stingy about using it on a trip for the two of us (a whole other debacle in itself).
MIL also plans every activity to the second, books the date a year in advance, and doesn’t consult any of us about it.
A more prominent issue is that MIL has been making
plans on our behalf without asking us. She RSVPd us to a wedding in another city and booked us a hotel room for it without telling us. Then gave us the heads up only a month in advance. She also refused to send me the wedding site so I could find out the dress code, and finally sent it to me two days before the wedding.
She’ll plan or agree for us to go to things months in advance, and then only tell us right before. It’s been a big point of contention in my relationship, because my boyfriend will go along with whatever she says, not correct her for doing it, and expect me to also attend and play along. When I’ve told him he needs to put his foot down with her, her refuses and says he doesn’t know how to.
Months back, my boyfriend and I were watching a show that takes place in Alaska, and since we like fishing, we started to talk about visiting Alaska and fishing. My boyfriend brought this up casually during dinner with his mom, and she told us that it’s “not fair” for us to go without her, and that we can all go as a family next year, and that she’ll plan it. Him and I argued over it, and he said he wouldn’t let it happen.
Well, yesterday we were at a family event and she dropped the bomb that she planned the entire trip to Alaska for next summer. It was the first time we had even heard about it- the trip that WE are going on with her. She told family members all about the trip- where we’ll fly in, how many days we’re gonna be there. I was shocked and upset. Also, this was something we had said we wanted to do as a couple, so it’s even crazier that she never bothered to ask us if there were any particular activities or cities in Alaska that we wanted to go to- she planned the entire itinerary without saying a word to us.
I waited until the end of the night to confront my boyfriend on it. She finally said it out loud, so he needs to put an end to it before she plans and books it. He got really upset with me and said that he doesn’t know how to talk to her and asked me what he should say. I said I didn’t know, because I felt guilty being the one to TELL him what to say- it made me feel controlling. Apparently he’s never put his foot down with her and told her no to anything, and he was angry with me that I was expecting him to do it. If we did it his way, we’d just agree to go on the trip with her and let her plan everything. He finally agreed that saying no is what needs to happen in order for us to put an end to her doing this to us, but I’m really upset that it even came to this. I feel like she should have known that going over our heads and doing this was disrespectful to our relationship.
Anyways, her behavior and his lack of boundaries has put a real damper on any of my plans to get engaged to him. If he can’t say stand up to her even when she’s clearly in the wrong, how will he ever stand up for me when he doesn’t see my point of view? How can I have kids with someone who could allow their mom to take control of raising them? Or plan a wedding with someone whose mom needs to take over and plan everything (without even telling us). I can’t help but feel guilty for forcing his hand at saying no to her about this trip, and I fear that the outcome for me could be that she will hate me.
Hello! This is my first time sharing. I’m new to this group and happy to find a safe place to share. The first time I remember a red flag with my MIL was about a month after our wedding. We had my MIL and her husband over for dinner. I was in the kitchen washing dishes, my husband and his stepfather were on the porch having a drink. My MIL was sitting at the bar right in front of me when she started talking about my husband’s ex wife; I’m going to refer to her as C. She said that she ran into C’s mother and what a classy lady she is. I smiled and nodded, continuing to clean. My MIL continued, saying she was such a beautiful woman and so successful, and came from a respectable family. She said it bothers her and she hopes she didn’t cause their divorce. My smile had faded at this point, I asked her why it would be her fault. She said my husband had spent so much time with her after his father died, she thought he may had neglected C. I didn’t say much after that, she continued to compliment his ex wife. After they left, I brought it up to my husband, he blew it off, saying I exaggerated everything, his mother would never say that. The next thing that stands out, I hosted Christmas Eve that year. When I answered the door, my MIL and husband came in with a photo album. I welcomed them with a hug and took their coats. My MIL’s first words were, she had brought him a photo album she had put together for a Christmas present. I smiled warmly and said I’m sure he will love it. She said “ Well I hope it doesn’t upset you too much. “There’s a lot of pictures of him and C.” I choked back my feelings and said “ Of course it wouldn’t; please come in and get a drink and warm up.” Then I went to the bathroom and cried. I am a grown woman and shouldn’t let this bother me like it has. There has been over 11 years of this at this point. I’m open to constructive criticism but please be kind.
Recently got married to my now husband and wanted some advice on how to move forward after, what I perceived to be, really odd behavior from my MIL.
I’ll try to keep this short since I don’t want to sound like a soap box. She has a history of problematic behavior, but I really didn’t think it would bleed into my now husband and I’s wedding day.
Let’s start with the rehearsal dinner. We went and decorated the venue and that was madness but all fine. After we ran through the ceremony, MIL started taking pictures. She took multiple pictures of her family and her son. Never once did she ask for a photo with me. When I thought they were done taking pics I said to my fiancé “hey babe let’s go to moms I’m ready to eat”. MIL goes “wait, I never get photos with just the three of them. (Fiancé and his two sisters) But just let me know when you need him to leave and that will be fine!” So I stood there and let them take pictures since I didn’t want to rock the boat.
Second incident happened at my mother’s house. Fiancé came up to me and gave me a hug and kissed me on the forehead. MIL saw this interaction, comes over, takes my fiancé out of my arms and starts embracing him. She says to him “how are we going to dance tomorrow? We need to practice. I’m not used to dancing in heels”. At this point it seems she wants a reaction from me (I could be wrong in that assumption), but I just go outside and help my mom put away chairs and clean up.
Third incident happened on the wedding day itself. My MIL does not get along with my husbands uncles. That’s a long story in and of itself, but they took something that was my husbands after the wedding ceremony. My husband was really upset, and my MIL ended up calling my husbands uncles and threatened them, on our wedding day. We ended up getting the item back and everything was fine after that, I thought we had moved on. But at the end of the night, when we were all cleaning up, my MIL brought up the incident again, started trash talking my husbands uncles, and provoked my husband to anger over that situation all over again. He later admitted he felt manipulated by her, and didn’t speak to her for a few days.
Fourth incident also happened on the wedding day. She does not like my sister in laws boyfriend and believes they will break up soon. According to my husband, on the wedding day, she continually tried to get my husband to tell me to leave this boyfriend out of family photos. My husband didn’t bring this up to me on the day itself because he knew it would upset me. I was shocked she expected me to intentionally leave him out of family portraits. I would never single someone out like that, especially someone who has been a part of the family for years.
My question is, if you were me, would you go low contact? (Note: this is the plan for just myself, I couldn’t put an ultimatum on my husband)
She recently rsvpd us for an event without telling me. My husband says he and her talked about it before she did it but I don’t think they did because she sent me an email telling me about it while he was working. She works for my husband so she has access to his email. But this isn’t the first time she’s done this she also signed my baby up for something with my husband. They had to pick a cute slogan for the baby and stuff that I thought would be fun to do with him. But they did it before I could even talk to him about signing the baby up. Like if it was even something he’d be interested in. They didn’t even ask me if it was something I’d be comfortable with. Which I was but just feels weird like another person is in our relationship. I talked to him about it how this isn’t the first time she’s done this. And he just said he agreed she shouldn’t tell me before he’s had a chance to tell me. But what if I wanted to be the one to rsvp. And see what the event even was. What would you do?
I originally wondered if I was just being hormonal or overreacting, but looking back, this has been years of repeated boundary violations and emotional exhaustion.
I’ve been with my husband for five years and we’ve been married for three. His mother has openly admitted she struggles with all three of her sons becoming adults, moving away, and getting married. She also struggles with alcoholism, frequently calls my husband while intoxicated to trauma dump, and has made hurtful comments to me about my own sobriety. I’ve been sober for seven years through AA, and while I understand addiction, I also know it’s not my responsibility to manage someone else’s recovery.
Please be gentle with me. My husband is transgender, and despite the boundaries he has worked incredibly hard to establish, she repeatedly ignores them. She deadnames him, makes inappropriate comments about his body and medical care in front of family, and says things like, “If I was a better mom, you wouldn’t be trans.” Watching him constantly defend his identity to his own mother has been heartbreaking.
When we were trying to conceive using a donor, she also made racist comments about choosing “white sperm” so the baby would fit into the family better. I’m Black, my husband is white, and those comments were deeply hurtful.
When my husband finally had top surgery, she insisted on coming to “help,” but instead created more stress. She pushed for accommodations that prioritized her comfort, and once she stayed with us, she expected my husband—who had just undergone a double mastectomy—to fetch things for her and cater to her while I was 30 weeks pregnant. During the drive home after his surgery, her driving was so abrupt that both my husband and I were in pain. I experienced cramping and decreased fetal movement afterward, adding even more fear and resentment.
Since then, I was induced and our son was born. Instead of getting the peaceful beginning we hoped for, he spent the first week of his life in the NICU. As his mother, I was only able to hold my newborn son three times before he was finally stabilized. Those first days were heartbreaking and filled with fear.
Despite everything, I welcomed my mother-in-law to visit him in the NICU. Rather than recognizing what we were going through, she complained that it was “ridiculous” she wasn’t allowed to hold her first grandson and said it felt unfair to her. While I was grieving the loss of those irreplaceable first moments with my own baby, she centered the conversation around her disappointment that she couldn’t hold him.
Throughout my pregnancy and after our son’s birth, she also continued pressuring us to move to Colorado (mind you she doesn’t even live there , her other son lives there, recently moved for a job) so she and her husband could bond with the baby, despite us repeatedly expressing that we had no plans to move.
Now our son is three weeks old. In those three weeks, she has called only twice. The first phone call was to ask about the baby. The second wasn’t to check on how we were adjusting as first-time parents after a traumatic NICU stay—it was to tell us about her upcoming birthday trip. She expects us to attend a resort weekend in Palm Springs, book a cabana, celebrate her birthday, and then informed us she’ll be coming to town a few weeks later so she can hold her grandson. It feels less like she’s asking what works for our family and more like she’s informing us of when she’ll have access to our child.
At this point, it no longer feels like isolated incidents. It’s a longstanding pattern of making major life events—our marriage, my husband’s transition, our fertility journey, his surgery, our son’s NICU stay, and now becoming new parents—about her feelings instead of supporting us. The resentment I feel isn’t because of one comment or one bad day. It’s because every significant moment in our lives seems to become another opportunity for our boundaries to be ignored while we’re expected to manage her emotions on top of our own.
If you’ve read this far, thank you for holding space in your heart for my ranting. I’m trying very hard to separate my postpartum hormones from reality, but I don’t think postpartum is creating these feelings. If anything, it’s stripped away my ability to tolerate behavior that I’ve spent years minimizing. More than anything, I want to protect my peace, my husband, and our son.
She texted my husband this last night:
“I'm really disappointed that I feel like I give and give and give and get so little in return. I keep telling myself that this is just the way it is, as I continue to watch you take the trip to Washington (or wherever) over and over again. I always try not to rock the boat, but I'm feeling like I don't matter too much at this point, and I'm sad.”
I will be diving back into Alanon and choosing no contact for myself at this point.
Hi all, I hope this applies since i'm not married, just in a relationship. my boyfriend and i got together at the verrrryyy end of high school (talking like last 2 weeks before we graduated) after being friends for a bit. I had ambitions to move abroad and do my schooling there, and my boyfriend was also not interested in living in our hometown for much longer, so we took a bit of a leap of faith and moved abroad together (me first and him about a month and a half later). We have lived together for 2 years now.
before we moved, i had a lot of problems with his family. i am from a different culture (but also pretty assimilated, i was born in the same country) and experienced some racism/prejudice/ignorance early on from some of his family members, and his family is HEAVILY enmeshed, and for some reason it seemed to heavily rotate around him (or maybe it was a reaction to him being 'taken away'.) although his family members (specifically his mother) were headstrong and persistent, in my culture we are even more so, so i 'won' in the battle of getting my boyfriend out of the enmeshed environment pretty easily.
Anyway, since the economic downturn in the new country and some right-wing laws, we are being forced to move back to our country. We are moving to a different city (about a 10-hour drive), but still moving back. we both agree that the only reason he has been able to detatch from his family is how far away we have been (completely different continent, hemisphere, over 24 hours of flying, different time zones). now, there is only a 45 minute flight, or a road trip. we would be objectively able to live a better life in this new city, but the main thing that is making me hesitant now is the fact i'm beginning to believe that it will kill the space we've put between ourselves and his parents.
he has to go back to our hometown about 2x per year, and up until his last visit, he would fall for their BS all over again and i'd have to fight with him and bring him back to reality, since they (his parents and his older sister, and more recently one of his younger brothers) would spend the whole time in his ear.
i've told my mom who has told some of her friends and my brother, but he hasn't told his parents. they do this super annoying thing where they try to take control of the 'logistics' of a situation (even though they're fucking shit at logistics and take 5x the amount of time and effort to do anything that a normal person would take) and i know they will be more able to come and see us and fuck up the good thing we have going on. he has been open about the fact that the reason he thinks his mom gets her way all the time is because she wears them down, which i know isn't going to be something she can beat me at since i'm more stubborn and actually confrontational, but it's also something i enjoy not having to deal with. please help, does anyone have any wisdom here?
So I planned a family vacation (simple) with my in laws to extend an olive branch and the whole long weekend just felt so awkward. Looking for honest reactions here….
Context: my MIL has no respect for boundaries and there is overall trauma with her taking away/holding my babies (ie cooking while holding, drinking coffee over my first born). I just don’t feel comfortable with her and she knows it. She has 3 daughters and 1 son (my husband) and 2 of the daughters basically take her side and act really cold against me guessing because they think I’m a bitch to their mom. (On this trip she walked away with my second child out of sight during a breakfast buffet at a restaurant and I had such a visceral fight or flight response I told my husband to bring my son back to the table.) Also, my MIL and FIL don’t speak and are separated but not divorced, the 2 SIL’s that are cold towards me don’t really have a relationship with their dad.
Anyway, it was very contrasting because last week we went on vacation with my family and there were 3 kids: my 2 (3yo, 6mo) and my nephew (2yo) and basically the kids were “accessories” for lack of a better word. They just existed and the grown ups talk and chat and interact vs my in-laws don’t speak at meals and when they do it’s all about my kids (they are the only grandkids). So it’s exhausting to feel like all the attention is on me and my kids in addition to being iced out by 3 people and my FIL is always on his phone. I just feel like a caregiver because no one except my husband really talks to me. I don’t want to also play the victim because it’s not like I also make too much effort to talk to them but I also just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to do so after the above mentioned context. It also feels like everyone is parenting over me while I’m standing right there (ie getting on the elevator and my son pushing buttons and my FIL scolding vs letting me do it). Or me pouring my son his morning milk and my SIL (with the best intentions) taking the carton from my hand and doing it herself vs asking me if I need help. I organized all the lunch/dinner for everyone at the apartment I was staying at but inevitably my MIL would walk in and start making stuff in addition to what I already had made.
Sorry for this being so long but I’m just really frustrated at the situation and the interaction leaves me feeling so “overlooked” and uncomfortable. I love my husband and it’s his family so I want to be supportive but I don’t know how to balance feeling what I’m feeling.
I know it doesn't sounds like a big deal.
The main problem is we are just married (3 weeks ago), and my MIL just told my husband they are going to Europe in 2 weeks for 3 weeks with her other son and his wife, plane tickets already bought and all. She asked him if he could take care of the dogs (2), especially one, her favorite one, it's a yorkshire terrier. That one, lives inside the house, so she wanted us to take him to our apartment, knowing pretty damn well that we are not allowed to have pets there. My husband reminded her of that detail, so we needed to ask for and especial permission to our landlord(my cousin). She said to let her know what she said. (I feel like she thought my cousin would say yes just because we are family). But, oh surprise, she said no. Why? Because there are other 7 apartments, and no one is allowed to have pets, she cannot make an exception with us cause if our neighbours notice, they might want a pet too.
So, my husband told her mother we weren't able to take the dog to the apartment. But that he will go to their house every second day to check on the dogs.
The other dog is bigger and lives outside in the backyard, he has a food and water dispenser. So he suggested to do the same with the yorkie.
She didn't talked to her son for days, until yesterday. She called him and told him that she would like him to go everyday and stay 3-4 hours with her dog (the yorkshire) that she would pay him for the gas and an extra for doing that.
It is worth mentioning that my in-laws home is 1 hour away from ours and we live in a city were the FIFA world cup is taking place, they live close to the airport so traffic is horrible there right now. It'll probably take almost 2 hours to get there. And we cannot stay there because they are making some repairs to the water pipes, so there's no water at their house. Also, we only have one car so my husband drops me of at work and then picks me up when i get off, he does home office, but of course he has a work schedule. So i don't understand how does she expects him to go and stay there for hours.
Plus, we are just married, we are just adjusting to life together and all the responsabilities that come with being married and independent.
I don't know if i'm overreacting but this kind of stuff that my inlaws do piss me off.
If we lived closer or the situation was better, we would happily go everyday but as it is it is kind difficult.
So i told my husband to stand firm on going every second day. And told him why his parents didn't ask another family member to take care of the yorkie. And.. what he did us call a cousin to ask her to do it. She said yes. But it pisses me off that he solved the problem for them. He doesn't seem to notice that if continues to do that they are going to continue relying on him to resolve their matters.
I have been married for almost 2 years. It was an arranged marriage, and we live abroad, far away from both of our families.
My husband has an older sister who is married with two kids and lives away from home as well.
Before we got married, I noticed that my (then fiancé) used to get frequent calls from his mother. I asked him if that was normal, and he told me it was only because they were building a new house and she kept calling to discuss it.
Now, almost two years into our marriage, nothing has changed. She still calls almost every single day. She knows everything that is happening in our household because my husband updates her constantly. Whenever he comes home from work, there’s a good chance he’s on the phone with either his mother, his sister, his uncle, or his friends—but most often, it’s his mother.
By the time he’s done talking, he’s tired. He eats, watches TV, scrolls on his phone, and the day is basically over. We rarely get quality time together.
I honestly don’t know whether my mother-in-law likes me or not. She’s usually very reserved with me, often responds with a straight face, and sometimes comes across as rude. Maybe that’s just her personality—I genuinely don’t know.
The thing is, I don’t want to ruin their relationship. I don’t expect him to stop talking to his mother. I think it’s nice that they’re close. But I also feel like there’s no space left for our marriage. Sometimes it feels like there are three people in this marriage instead of two.
I’ve brought this up with my husband more than once, but he brushes it off and says I’m making a big deal out of a silly issue.
So I’m wondering:
Am I being unreasonable here? Is daily contact with parents like this normal after marriage? Or is the real issue not the phone calls themselves, but the fact that our marriage doesn’t seem to get the same time and attention?
Uk fiancé here . Me and my partner have been together ten years. Approx .
His mum was fine until about four years ago when he had an affair after I also went with someone else - we was going through it .
Sure she can resent me for that I don't really care but he wasn't innocent either and that's why we put it to the side and decided to move forwards
However the level of pettiness this woman has resorted too from that point on will actually give some of your MIL a run for their pennies .
It started banning me from her home. I wasn't aloud to visit any more because she didn't feel " comfortable " letting me in knowing I'd been with another man and betrayed her son .
Whatever - I didn't kick off I just said that's fine but we will have to see each-other at family events .. and we did and really she didn't act like she had an issue with me in the surface .
But then it started , the little things that were below the surface . She booked a family holiday , obviously me my partner and kids weren't invited - this was because apparently they didn't think we would be able to afford it , a sure way to kick us in the kanooleys if there was ever one .
Then it was the secret family meals they had with the other family members that they would pretend weren't happening because they didn't invite us , which one way or another we would find out about
Then unfortunately my partner got a job placement abroad , we made the decision he would go alone to benefit our family as the cost of living for a family would take away the whole perks of the salary.
My partner spoke to his mum and she assured she would help with our kids whilst I continued my career and business .
I mean she did ... but decided to draft me up a contract for employment as my "nanny" . When I tell you I couldn't even believe my own eyes . £200 pound a day for 5 hours .. and that was " non negotiable " .
I had zero choice as my own family lives in America and I have no friends here in the UK .
Imagine that for six whole months I payed her £600 pounds a week to take care of our kids whilst I worked . It got to a point that my wages were just being drained by her child care costs and I didn't realise that nursery placements for our twins would actually cost less with the funding they have here in the uk .
I stopped the arrangement with her .
She turned sour and didn't contact me for a while , until she invited me to her other daughter in laws bachorlorette party .
I was unsure to go because of the tension I had with her over everything that had been going on . But I went .
Everything was fine and good until I returned home and realised that the pictures they posted from the party I was cropped out on EVERY ONE ... wow honestly at this point I FaceTimed my fiancé crying and just said they have a PERSONAL ISSUE with ME , it can't be anything more than that .
He still tried to reassure me that she was just hard work sometimes and that she was " going through a lot " . I took some time to calm down and invited her to my home to set the air clear . And we did , she assured me she had no issue with me and I had the wrong end of the stick , I was overreacting and that my hormones had probably not settled from after the twins .
Lo and behold two months later when she baby sat my kids for 2 weeks whilst I went to visit my fiancé I came home to my house , destroyed . The damages were in excess of 5,000 uk pounds . The flooring was water damaged from taps being left on , ornaments smashed , furniture broken and medication and beauty products missing.
She left and I blocked her and haven't spoken to her Scince .
I'm still with my fiancé but Iv sworn to him when we get married she will not be attending because if she does I won't be . That's a promise .
Some mothers are in love with their own children and it's vile .
That's my story
Hi everyone, first time I'm posting here.
Been married for 18 years, but any marriage issues I have had is to do with either my mil and sil, ALWAYS. When I go to my mil house with my family, I am always left out in conversations and it's like I am invisible in the room. I have stopped going to their house but if I do go (once or twice a year ) It's like I'm not in the room. Even when my in laws come to my house it's the same situation. My sil never has any contact with me and she always ensures I never know any details about her or her own family.
For my own peace of mind, I've stopped all contact which helps but when my husband goes to his mums house, sometimes I need him home due to children issues . This then triggers me when he's not at home and I get hurt more because I'm trying to ignore my hurt and carry on and keep the distance.
I don't want to leave my husband because of one women & my children will get in the middle of this if I decide to leave him.
I don't know what to say or do. I've tried talking to my mil in the past but the blame got shifted to me so I never spoke to her again about how I feel.
Any thoughts / advice? Thanks for reading