r/motherinlawsfromhell

When me and my husband got pregnant with our first baby, we made sure to tell everybody in advance that we didn’t want people kissing him. And my mother-in-law got offended when my husband told her that and then quickly let it go. She then proceeded to gift us a framed handwritten note for our son saying how she was going to kiss him on his face and all this mushy stuff before he was even born and again was addressed that we weren’t gonna be doing kisses when my son was under two weeks old she came over and kissed him on the head before she left and that was addressed over text to not do that and we were really nice about it and acted as if it was a reminder and she won’t stop kissing him it’s happened again that we saw. And I’m sure it’s happened more times than we know about because she constantly leaves the room with him and hides around the corner while we’re eating and she also offered to change his diaper once while we’re all downstairs in the living room and I was like no thank you and she said oh I was just going to take him up to my bedroom upstairs to change him? And the last time we were over, we walk into rap music blasting through the house her boyfriend drunk as hell being loud and her animals running all over the house and then they were vaping around the baby and someone started smoking weed in the house and then she kissed him again. And that’s after we let her know that he would need to go down for a nap since the drive was long. And she wants to babysit. LOLLLLL.

My MIL is controlling, constantly crosses boundaries, and presents herself like some kind of Mother Teresa figure, self-righteous, caring, attentive, but underneath it all there’s this need to control everything and be the center of attention. You probably know the type. She made my postpartum period absolutely miserable. I feel so much anger and resentment toward her that my nervous system literally feels threatened when she’s around. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. What do I do? I often think about how I didn’t stand up for myself or my baby during that postpartum period, but I’ve forgiven myself for that because I was so incredibly vulnerable at the time. What I can’t forgive or let go of is what she did to me. The first time I truly dared to set a clear boundary was when my child was 1 year and 3 months old, and to her credit, she respected it. But I still hate her. We still see each other fairly regularly anywhere from once or twice a week to once every couple of weeks. I don’t text her anymore or send her pictures of the baby, my husband does that. If she FaceTimes my husband and the baby, I usually go do something else, like clean the house. When I do interact with her, I stay neutral and just remind myself that the visit will eventually end. But is this really how it’s going to be forever? I honestly feel like I’m traumatized by her. Please help.

I just don’t get it..

Over the years, the relationship has been marked by repeated boundary crossing, emotionally charged communication, passive aggressive comments, guilt-driven behaviour, social media games, pressure around family access and involvement, minimising or avoiding accountability when issues are raised, and a pattern of making situations about her own hurt rather than acknowledging the impact her actions have had on others, which has gradually led to distrust, emotional exhaustion, and distance within the relationship.

For a few months, I have had 0 contact with my partner’s parents. My husband has contacted them maybe 2/3 times since the beginning of the year.

My husband received a message 2 days ago along the lines of: I guess your wife got what she wanted. I hope its worth it Have a nice life.

There was more to the message but when he went to read it, she had since deleted it. Then today, in a group message, his mum sent a massive message about reconnecting, needing to be involved in her granddaughters life, how much she loves us but not once did she apologise or take any accountability for her horrible behaviour or actions. It was 100% written by ChatGPT!

What game is she playing? I don’t think she knows my husband saw the message sent 2 days ago to then backtrack and act like she just wants to move forward so positively in our lives and have a meeting to talk it all out.

I’m just at a complete loss..

We are stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. We are renting one of my Inlaws houses for a few hundred less than the mortgage and this was agreed upon for several reasons. With the falling out between my Inlaws and us they have decided to use the house as leverage to get their way, most of it is empty threats and legally speaking they cant do even half of what they try to dangle over our heads, but none the less my husband and I are stuck in a hard spot. We either pay the full mortgage and our relationship with my Inlaws is strictly landlord-tenant or we continue to pay the subsidized price (so we can comfortably save for our own home in the near future) and we "work on our relationship" so they can have "access to the house when their in town and a relationship with our child".

Personally? I would pay more, cut them off, and take longer than we hoped to leave them in the dust for good. But realistically, I know that's not within our best interest. I just hate the idea of having to play pretend for another year or two and give them any sort of access to my home or child, even just once... My FIL comes into town once a week for work and stays with us every other week, he stays with my SIL when he's not at our house. But shes moving away soon and he's expecting us to house him every single week... The thing that pisses me off is that he 100% doesn't need to come into town, he can work from home, but chooses to come in anyways, and lies to us that his finances are tight and we agreed he could stay long before we made this move so we cant turn him away. He could just be honest and say he likes to have control, or that he just enjoys the opportunity to see his son and grandchild. Lying about the "why" makes me hate him, its an extreme invasion of our home, our lifestyle and our privacy.

Anyways, the narrative has changed and now they are claiming my MIL was supposed to have the same kind of access, even my SIL. According to them the house was always supposed to be like a "center point" for the family. Had this been expressed to me from the start I would have NEVER agreed to move into the damn house... Im pissed that they change things up and demand we accept it. Not only is it illegal but its rude. My MIL is not welcome to stay in our home for multiple reasons, but the biggest one is that she stole from us the last time she stayed. She hasn't been welcome to stay since that incident and they think we are being unreasonable. How? You stole several items from my home and lied about it, then exploded when we called you out on it. Now that we have a reasonable boundary in place you guys wanna act like we are being "unfair". Im so tired of them acting like children... Its disgusting...

We are supposed to get together next week to have "the talk" where we air out our issues and attempt to make good with one another... Im not interested in the slightest at "making good" with either of them... My MIL is wretched and extremely mentally ill. She should be medicating, but refuses to because she's "holistic". The woman has the worst case of Borderline personality disorder I have ever encountered in my life. Recently she spent an hour texting my husband about how she hates me, im ruining the family, im demonic and so on, then an hour later sends me a vague apology email, saying sorry for nothing in particular. From her perspective that email was a first step and me not responding "hurt" her... I wasn't born yesterday. Speaking ill of me to my husband for an entire hour straight, him having to defend me and try to get her to see her flaws, even warning her that sending an apology email was a bad idea, and her sending one anyways is absolutely disingenuous to me. The flip in such a short time screams mental! Im not gonna accept her half assed apology email after knowing all the things she said about me over the last few months, but especially the hour before. Her behavior hasn't changed. The apology isn't for me, its for her, a change in behavior is for me. How she's nearly 50 and hasnt learned that life lesson is beyond me!

I just want to be done. I don't want them in my life. They don't deserve to be in my child's life. Im finally breaking the cycle of abuse ive been stuck in for nearly 10 years and I refuse to subject my baby to it all. Im a mother, my job is to protect my child from harm. How would I be doing my job if I allowed such abusive people to have any sort of relationship with my sweet and innocent child? I know the pattern, i know the instability, I know that if I allow them to be in my childs life that the day WILL come when they hurt my kid. I wont let that happen. Its causing strain between my husband and I because he was conditioned his whole life to accept the abuse since "that's family", and I know in his heart he wants to protect us, but he's scared to lose his family. I wish he could see that he can have his parents without having to involve me and our child. Its gonna take him time to come to terms with it. But the stress of it all bearing down on us right now is a weight I'm so tired of carrying. I wanna be done so bad!!!

Sorry for the long rant! Just needed to get this out somewhere I know others would understand my pain 🥹

I am getting uncomfortable with my MIL crying everytime she feels like my husband is neglecting him even when he is not.

They have weekly 3-hour calls every Saturday to which I am okay with but these past two Saturdays he had to leave the call early because we had plans. The last Saturday is when he came with me to tour my foreigner friends who visited our city.

His sister texted him and said make effort for their mom in cases when he could not stay long for their Saturday calls because their mother was missing him and was crying to her.

I felt so appalled by the behavior because I found it irrational that he was still highly present, even managed to spend an hour for them despite us having a schedule, even called her for Mother’s day and somehow it is still not enough. I’m not saying she is not allowed to miss his son but why is she stirring up drama and making it seem like her son no longer has time for her despite having weekly contact? She should have been thankful my husband still picked up those calls and not skipped them entirely. In my family, if we miss someone, we check up on them, we initiate, we do not complain about them to another family member and make that family member a communicator of guilt, prompting them to overcompensate. The phone always works both ways.

I told my husband I feel like everytime we spend a Saturday like a normal couple who want to have fun outside, his mother will be hurt and will be crying.

He told me it’s just normal for in laws to be jealous of their sons’ wives or daughters’ husbands and that she just needs time. We are half a year married now. So I feel like as time goes by, it will get worse. She will keep finding reasons to cry over so that she can keep her status as the main woman in his life.

My husband recently graduated with his masters and I shared my plans with his sister to buy him a necklace because he did not have one and to ask in the country she’s in how much gold is because I wanted to see if I’d be cheaper. I also asked her not to tell anyone. She then ghosted me for 2 weeks and two days before my mother in law and father in now are headed to the states she call me and tell me that she didn’t have time to check so she asked them instead. She also tells me that his mom got him the necklace instead. The same necklace I had already custom ordered off Etsy for him. 😭 she then presented it to him the morning of his graduation, I assume to make sure I don’t get to him first with my necklace and make a huge fuss about it. It is not 3 days later and I haven’t given him the necklace I got and idk how to approach the situation while still making sure he knows how crazy she acted without making him feel the need to defend her. Any tips?

I use to really like my mother in law. In a lot of ways I still do. But they've gone full blown MAGA and all they do is watch these conservative hateful youtube videos. All day, every day, and its impossible to have a conversation with her without her twisting it into a political rant. Just now I got off work (I substitute teach) and was talking about how chrome books aren't healthy for kids and she got worked up about how horrible schools are because of transgender kids. When I told her there didn't seem to be that many and technology is a bigger issue she started insulting me, telling me I don't know anything and only do what the "liberals" tell me (when I'm not even that liberal). When I pointed out that she doesn't have any kids in school now, nor has been in one in twenty years, she went full on psycho. I told her to calm down and that just made it worse. It was insane. She's just so different then what she use to be. She use to be fun, happy, had hobbies, and could have meaningful conversations.The best comparison I have to what is going on with her is when someone is an alcoholic. You know your loved one is there, but they're just not really there. Regardless she wants me to be a full time stay at home mom (even though we can't afford it) because feminism is bullshit. So I cancelled all my shifts the day she comes and watches the kids. Thanks for reading my rant.

Hi all. I am a mother of two toddlers. Right now we stay away from any close family. We have now got a chance to move to a different city where our pay will be slightly lucrative. My only concern is my SIL. She is a volatile person, opposite of being thoughtful and kind and acts very entitled. Like she once asked my 3 year old to carry my purse and my son innocently did. She has been a bitch to me since the start and I would hate her being around on my kids birthdays, important occasions etc. I don’t want my kids to love her, get influenced by her ans be very close to her or prefer her over me as they grow up. Am I being too paranoid? Has anyone faced anything similar. I am contemplating not moving because of her to retain my peace of mind

Backstory, her and her husband are just terrible with money. And we honestly dont mind helping them out if they need it, but the thing that doesnt sit well with me is how she is towards us. She often gives me back handed compliments, and will 100% favor her other grandkids, and favor my BIL and his wife.

She called my husband over the weekend and asked to borrow $800 because she didnt have the money to pay for her credit card bill. To top it off, her husband and her dont have shared accounts. They have separate accounts, and typically her husband will venmo her money for bills but I guess this time he didnt have it? It seems shady to me that he couldnt Venmo her the money for her cc bill, obviously he didnt have it, so where is that money going. Its also concerning that she doesnt have enough to cover that in her own account.. Something just doesnt seem right. And on top of the way she sometimes treats us, it just annoyed me. Like why are you not calling the son you favor more for money? The nerve for her to treat us differently than her other kids / grandkids, but to immediately run to us when she needs money is something. Am I overreacting?

I'm 4 months postpartum.

My MIL constantly takes my baby from me whenever he cries, is gassy, fussy, or sick so she can comfort him herself. The moment he gets uncomfortable, she immediately steps in and takes over, and I’m left feeling completely sidelined as his mom.

I know she probably means well and wants to help, but emotionally it’s getting really hard on me. Especially when my baby is sick or upset those are moments where I naturally want to comfort him myself, not watch someone else do it while I sit there feeling invisible.

What makes it harder is that my husband keeps saying we “need her help” because I’ll be joining work again soon. So anytime I bring up how I feel, it becomes about being practical and grateful instead of acknowledging that I’m struggling emotionally with the situation.

I’m not against help at all. I know childcare support is valuable, especially when returning to work. But I wish helping didn’t have to mean taking over or making me feel replaced as a mother.

I already feel guilty for being upset because everyone else sees this as loving grandmother behavior, but honestly I feel sad, pushed aside, and disconnected from my own baby sometimes.

Has anyone navigated this kind of situation while living with or depending on family help? How did you set gentle boundaries without causing resentment?

I texted my MIL that I was upset with her and wouldn’t be taking my baby over to her house on the weekend because she’s broken my no sick rule around the baby twice. She ghosted me. She didn’t respond, she also hasn’t asked to see the baby when before I texted her she was asking every Sunday. Has anyone ever dealt with someone like this? It feels toxic and like drama that I’m not used to dealing with because I tend to avoid people like this. I had no idea she was this manipulative but I should have known because none of her own sisters speak to her for years.

My MIL and I have never been really close. For starters, she is old enough to be my grandma and is very traditional. I’ve always been incredibly independent and that’s hard for her to understand. My husband is very enmeshed with his parents which has always caused riffs in our 13 years together, almost 11 years married. She was overbearing during wedding planning and baby showers so I no longer ask her for help in anything because she just wants to take over and be in control. She has never liked my rules as a parent and thinks grandparents should not have any boundaries and are allowed to do whatever they want. This is also the lady who when watching my son around age 3 or 4 lied to me about a dog biting him in the face and still refuses to acknowledge the truth and the second time I came around and let her watch him for a day gave him 2 V8 energy drinks and minimized it by saying that it natural energy and he was fine because he danced and sang for two hours. Yet he came home and threw up because of it.

Recently, my in-laws have developed a close relationship with family friends. It’s a little hard to describe but this couple is the son and DIL of very good friends of ours who has passed away. This couple has a daughter that recently had a baby. My in-laws are over the moon about this baby, especially since it’s a little girl. Now here’s what’s bothering and I don’t really have anyone who I can vent to. My in-laws constantly harp on us that we don’t bring our son over enough. The truth is, my son doesn’t like going over there because my FIL constantly does anything he can, lately he’s been using money, to get my son close so he grab him and force him to hug him. This has been a huge issue with me that my husband doesn’t agree is a big issue. The other day they drove right by our house to go see this baby but will never stop at our house. It’s just always expected that we go to theirs.

This weekend we threw my MIL a 75th birthday party and the whole time they were obsessing over the baby and hardly acknowledged my son. That’s fine he was busy swimming. My MIL is a very dramatic person and walked around the whole time saying “where’s my little baby girl”. She made very acknowledgment of me being there which is fine but I’m starting to feel like she thinks of this other girl as the daughter in law she’s always wanted. I’m struggling a little bit because I try to have a decent relationship with them but I just don’t put up with their shit. I speak up when they make derogatory comments about people’s weight or any of their other judgments. This other lady is pretty much the complete opposite so I understand why my MIL likes her.

I don’t really know if I’m even looking for advice or just a space to vent. I want to make it clear that I know people love babies and this really isn’t about the baby. It’s about how my in-laws are. However, for as much as they love babies they do not like that I’m currently pregnant as a surrogate and will avoid the subject at all costs. They have said some pretty insensitive things to people about me being a surrogate 2 times.

I’m starting to dislike my mother-in-law.

When my husband (31) and I (30) got engaged, she wanted to transfer their land title to his name before our actual wedding because “she knows he wouldn’t be selfish and share it with his sisters”. His two sisters are both married to irresponsible men so they don’t want them to have a share in that land. I do not care though because I can work and save up for our own house and lot. It was just really telling. I feel like this is because this would be a pre-marital asset and I wouldn’t have a right to it.

Before he proposed, his mother made him renovate her family home. I thought this signified limiting the financial assistance they get from my husband (240 to 480+ USD per month) and that this would be the last big favor they would ask of him before they let him go to live his own life with his chosen wife.

We are married for a few months now and the financial assistance significantly dropped to 80 to160 USD per month. Last January, he sent 160USD and her mother was asking where is her insurance money (17USD) and my husband replied it’s already included in the 160 USD. Now, she told his other sibling that he is being angry when allowance is being brought up but I honestly did not see any anger from my husband’s response. To his mother, it came across as “It’s already included in the 160 USD, don’t complain anymore”. It turned me off because why is my husband being painted as a neglectful son. For context, she has no other source of income except for her farm.

Just this month, I learned from her sister that their mom wanted to have the normal allowance reinstated. I felt like this was a total disrespectful and disregard to the life we are building together as a married couple. I brought up the inconsideration to my husband and he just defended her by saying it’s not inconsiderate, they just want help, and that if they were inconsiderate they would insist on asking that amount. But for me, that mere expectation from a married man itself is inconsideration of him and his primary family. They also know we are drowning in credit card debt but never did I hear his mother tell him to focus on being solvent or focus on his wife now. As a matter of fact she also receives 160USD per month from her other child. My husband even told me that their mother was telling them all she is doing (the farming) is for her children, not for herself. That she is doing all this so that she can leave a legacy for her children. But tbh, i see my husband leaking a huge money monthly that could have just went to personal savings or could have been used to pay credit card debts.

He told me that before I even came to the picture, she made him promise he will not abandon her. And he isn’t exactly abandoning her. There’s just boundaries right now. I asked him to please reiterate to his mom that I am now his new priority. He just told me to let him do it in his own pace.

This argument quieted down until recently his sister told him their mother was crying because she misses him and that he should make an effort to call her. They have a 2 to 3 hours video call every Saturday but these past two Saturdays my husband and I had our own plans. The first Saturday, he picked me up after an event and we dined outside. Even so, he was able to join the call and speak for about an hour or so. He even told me that when he picked up, he was the only sibling in the call and he told his mom “I’m outside” to which his mom threw a tantrum and said “I won’t be calling you guys anymore.” The next Saturday, we went out to see my friends. Before we headed out, he still joined their video call. The next day he also called them for a few minutes while we were having dinner outside.

My husband has never neglected her and was highly present. It is disturbing that she would stage a crying fit to his sister instead of just messaging my husband that she misses him. I feel like she is guilt-tripping him so that she remains as the main woman in his life.

My husband defends all this saying it’s normal for parents to miss their child. I am pointing out the irrationally because he was there two Saturdays and one Sunday and why is that not enough. I am being painted like a bad guy for feeling like his mother is competing with our weekend plans and I am losing my sanity. It is so exhausting because I feel like my marriage is one guilt trip away from leaking a huge amount of money or adjusting our plans just to appease his mother. And my husband just sees this as a normal and cute tantrum from a sweet and lonely mother who is in her old age.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years this December. Married for 3 this September. We had our first child, a baby boy, in September of 2024. We are now expecting a baby girl in June. I have always had a pretty good relationship with my mother-in-law, but she does say some stupid things sometimes. I take things as her being passive aggressive or maybe her just being weird, but she thinks our relationship is great. It’s not that it’s all that bad, but some of her remarks really get under my skin.

Example one: When I was pregnant with my son, we had a conversation about how in my opinion first born boys usually favor their moms. This was my opinion based on my uncle looking just like my grandma, my brother looting just like my mom, and my BIL looking just like my MIL! OK anyways, all I did was share that opinion and that I was excited to see who my son would look like. She immediately goes, “I hope he looks like (my husband name) because he looks like me!” my husband is her second born, and truly favors both parents. But she has another son that is literally her twin and he is the first born. But she completely disregarded that he looks like her 🤣 I always kept that noted in my brain because like really? I just got through saying how sweet it would be if my son looked like me.

Example two: My son is born and not once does she ever say “oh he looks like you!” This boy has blonde hair and blue eyes, tall and lean, and truly looks like the boy version of me when I was little. I’ve pulled out baby pictures before and all I got was “there are definitely some similarities” 🫪🤣 she tries to say he got his blue eyes from her mother and his height from her mother as well. Even though my mom, my dad, my brother, most of my uncles and aunts, and myself, all have blue eyes. We also all had blonde hair when we were younger. My mother and brother still have blonde hair. My dad and brother are 6 foot three and 6 foot five. Yet my son got his height from only her mom. 🫪 my mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law, and husband, all have brown eyes and brown hair.

Example three: We went to the beach with my in-laws, and my son‘s hair got super super blonde from the sun. We’re headed back to the condo and my father-in-law goes “Do you think (son’s name) hair will ever turn brown?” and I go “most likely. My dad’s hair and my hair was super blonde when we were younger and then it turned brown”. MIL states “oh (my husbands name) hair was just like this when he was younger!” You should have seen my face. I was really at my wits end at that point because doesn’t it seem that every time I mention any type of characteristic my son got from me she immediately turns it into no he got that from (husbands name/her side)??? WHY DO MIL DO THIS? Not to mention she has always told me my husband‘s hair was a strawberry blonde and leaned more red. My son‘s hair is literally white after being in the sun just like how mine was when I was younger.

Example four: Now that I am pregnant with my daughter, let me give you a little history on my mother-in-law. She already has five biological grandsons, including my son. Three non-biological grandsons and two non-biological granddaughters. I mentioned the biological and non-biological because it comes into play later. Either way, she has been in these babies lives ever since their moms were pregnant. It’s not like they are 12 year-old girls that she just met a couple years ago. She has been there since before they were born. She has said multiple times that since this is her first biological granddaughter that it is so very surreal and different for her. Totally disregarding the fact that she already has two granddaughters that are ages 10 and 4. But since they’re not biological, it’s different? I mentioned this to my own parents and they think it is extremely weird and sad that she always says that when talking about my daughter. When we were at the beach, we were sitting next to an older couple and having small conversation. And my mother-in-law stated that I was pregnant with her first biological granddaughter and that it was so exciting for her and that she couldn’t believe it. The older couple looked at her and was like “why would it matter if it’s your biological or not? All babies are a blessing.” She immediately backtracked, and you could tell she felt bad that she was called out.

Example five: All right last example, mother-in-law‘s birthday is in June and I am also due in June. She has stated multiple times that she thinks my daughter will be born on her birthday and that it will be like raising her and I will have her (MIL) as a daughter. She also brings up the fact that my daughter will be so independent just like she is because they are both going to be Geminis?? 🤣 Again, totally disregarding the fact that I am her mother and that she will get traits from myself and my side of the family as well. I just hate that she’s already boxing my baby in with her and it just feels like a weird energy or alliance or something.

I know I’m being over sensitive about some of this stuff. And there are definitely worse things that in-laws can do. But I have no one to talk to about this because everyone kind of thinks it’s funny. But I feel gaslit almost. It’s like been with both pregnancies anytime I talk to her about any type of updates or being excited, It’s immediately shut down because it seems she cannot stand the fact that my babies will have any of my traits or characteristics.

My husband grew up in a financially stable household, but emotionally it was deeply dysfunctional. He’s the youngest of six siblings, and his entire life he’s been under constant pressure from his family pressure to succeed, to maintain a certain image, and even to marry someone they approved of.

Their approval always came with conditions.
His sisters, in particular, have been incredibly toxic throughout our relationship. From the moment I came into his life, they seemed threatened by the fact that he had found a genuinely loving and supportive relationship. Over the years they repeatedly tried to create problems between us, subtly manipulating situations, spreading negativity, and doing whatever they could to undermine our relationship. It escalated to the point where they even attempted to interfere with our wedding the day before it happened.
His mother is no easier to deal with. She has a strong victim complex, constantly paints herself as suffering, and places her daughters on a pedestal despite the damage they cause. She excuses their behaviour no matter how cruel or manipulative it becomes. Recently, she’s been speaking badly about her own son to me because she wants him to reconnect with his sisters and personally tell them that we’re expecting our first child.
I politely told her that he would not appreciate me getting involved in that, but she keeps pushing. She constantly tries to guilt me with stories about how “hard” her daughters’ lives are, despite them being fully grown women with successful careers, active social lives, and plenty of support around them.

The issue has never been their circumstances it’s the bitterness and control they seem to hold over him.
At this point, the constant pressure, manipulation, and emotional guilt-tripping are starting to affect my peace during pregnancy, and it’s becoming incredibly draining.

Stress & Me

My bub is 2 months old and is struggling with gas pain. I'm a constantly stressed person and I worry because of my stress my baby is also in pain. I heard stress hormones pass through breastfeeding. My causes of anxiety are specific like my Mil is a bigggggg narcissist but no one will believe me because she is so nice to me in front of people. I cannot prove to anyone including my husband that she's a control freak and bully . She is coming to visit us next month and I'm already in panic mode.Every time I wake up this thought rush into my head. Instant anxiety and I have to feed my baby too but can't get all this nonsense out of my head. I tried keeping boundaries and minimal contact but no use. She visits and jeopardizes the peace I regained each time , and now I'm in an unrecoverable state of mind. I don't know what to do. I feel guilty of feeding my baby with a stressed mind.

my mil had always been really sweet to me (even calling me daughter and saying she loved me) until we started preparing for the wedding. just like many of you, my mil, who used to be kind and respectful, made my wedding day about her, her needs and wants and ended up freaking out and hitting me. before the wedding, she had acted extremely manipulative, controlling and rude. she had bought decorations, my veil, fake flowers... all without my consent. I've never wanted to get married with fake flowers, so that was our first conflict. she complained and argued that real flowers would die in 3 days, but I held my ground and insisted in having real flowers for my wedding bouquet. she accepted eventually but then the second conflict came. she again bought decorations without our consent, and when my husband asked for an explanation on why she did it again she exploded and said really hurtful things. she even said that I wanted a small wedding because I wanted to cheat on my husband and go unnoticed. she was never ok with a small wedding but pretended she was until she couldn't hold herself back. she threatened us saying she wouldn't go to the wedding anymore but went there anyways. she invited 4 people behind our back, people who I didnt even know. she slapped me in the face after the ceremony but made it look like a greeting. my fil noticed it and started saying TO ME that I should keep the peace.

we were living with my in laws but after all this we moved out. 5 months later and I can't get over it. I always cry and talk to my husband about it, reviving and revisiting the wedding day and the days prior to it. he says he will never forgive his parents and is low contact. ive been no contact since january. seriously what can I do to get over all of this? it feels like a wound that will never heal. I feel tricked.

UPDATES: Thank you all for your support! This sub has been nothing but helpful and kind! I would like to add that I'm already attending therapy sessions to deal with this trauma, and it has been helping a lot, but I do need some more time to heal and get back on my feet. I talked to my husband, told him I knew about the flowers and we navigated through my worries together. He apologized and agreed on going NC with his parents. We are planning on having a new wedding in my country this time, so I can have my family and friends around. Unfortunately this new wedding will only be possible next year since we have been struggling financially due to having to move out ASAP from his parents' house. I will answer all the comments as soon as I can! Thank you again for taking some of your time to offer me so many great perspectives on my issue and naming what happened and what I'm feeling. I'm beyond grateful!

My MIL was cold to me from the beginning. When my husband and I first started dating I brought over a Christmas gift. This was the first time I was meeting her in person. I handed it to her and said merry Christmas! She just looked at it, set it on the counter and didn’t say a word to me. I wish that I could see the red flags then, but I was so young. She has made snarky comments to me usually when my husband is away, and she can be very passive aggressive. She will just lash out at me out of nowhere and it doesn’t make any sense. It has made me feel like I can’t be myself and on the edge around here constantly. She has a lot of narcissistic traits as well, and honestly, it’s always about her. She has this way of being covertly aggressive towards me so it’s really hard to point out to my husband. She is also very hot and cold, one day choosing to be kind to me, the next it feels like she hates me-and that energy is insanely strong. My husband is so used to being around it that he didn’t pick up on it and for many years, would stand there as she was treating me poorly. She also gaslights me in a very aggressive way, and he stood there and watched it happen as well. Both my husband and my father-in-law don’t say a word. SIL protects MIL and treats me the same, if not more covertly. After doing some therapy and couples counseling, my husband has started to see her ways and we decided next time we see her we will set some boundaries. I have gone low contact for the moment and will possibly go no contact. My husband is really enmeshed in his family and it’s hard for me to believe that he will actually stand up for me. All of this is making me feel like the bad guy, and often like I am overreacting. I can see it hurts my husband, because he feels like his family is the best thing ever. I’m starting to feel like if I can’t get support from my husband, I might need to leave this marriage, which is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety in my life. Just needed to vent and also would love any advice, thank you!

Well he finally did it. She kept pushing for a "discussion" on how she wants the next visit to go. How upset she was with us for moving her things and how she was in charge (after she asked us to move her things and how we did exactly what she asked.) she was upset with him for throwing away a box of open sand that was leaking. She expected us to measure it out into mason jars. A 50lb box of sand. She was also upset because of the boxes that were stored above her head, at the height they were previously stored in. That this is her life and how she wants to run things is how it needs to go. So he told her that the next visit we would be getting an air BNB so we could focus more on spending quality time with her. That we would not be spending the entirety of the visit reorganizing her hoard and fighting with her. If she would like to keep her living environment the way it is we respect that, but we will not be contributing to enabling her unhealthy living situation. We would not be arguing with her over her medical care and that if she believes she is fully capable of organizing things then she can retain control. He told her he wanted to instead focus on spending quality time with her while she's still with us. She didn't like that at all and started to argue with him how she needs his help. He told her he was not going to spend visits fighting over her living conditions and that we would not be subjecting ourselves to the same. She has more than enough income to hire help as she sees fit. That he wasn't going to subject himself physically and emotionally to the conditions she chooses to exist in. If she wants to keep a relationship with him this is it. She said she needed time to think about her answer and they ended the conversation.

He was decompressing from their discussion and I told him how her answer defines how she sees him. If she decides to pull the plug on their contact because of this, it shows him she only sees him as a dispensable asset to do what she wants and that she was never interested in genuine quality time with him. He realized that the minute she started arguing with him.

Overall, I feel relieved he finally had the talk with her. But my heart also breaks because my husband is realizing he's never had a parental relationship with her.

It's just sad all around. But we refuse to continue to fight her on her situation. The state has stepped in and that's pretty much as much as we can handle.