u/aquapathic

I'm (29F) estranged from everyone except my youngest sister (13). We check in occasionally. She sent me a message telling me that my other sister (22) said "hi". I haven't spoken to that sister in 2 years. I never replied to the message.

Our relationship fell apart when our mother got jealous of our bond and began manipulating my sister. My mother forced her lies on my sister and she withholds love from my siblings if they don't comply. So the way I see it, my sister turned on me so she could have a mother. I understood but I told my sister I wouldn't be in contact with her anymore.

I've cried, grieved, and mourned over my sister these past 2 years. I used to have nightmares where I was crying trying to get her to listen to me. I finally found peace.

We have different dads but my dad basically replaced me with my sister after I went NC with him. I asked her to please not give him information about me (before I cut contact with her). Turns out she was getting info from my grandparents and telling him this whole time.

Years ago, our toxic family attempted to create lies about my sister but I fiercely defended her and her character. It broke my heart for her to grow up and begin repeating all the lies that were made up about me.

I believe she may be making some low effort attempt to "reach out" because she wants something. She's a nurse so I don't think it's money. More than likely, she wants information to give my dad and others who ask about me. I stopped sharing anything with my grandparents and went LC a year ago so she can't get anything about me out of them.

It's also possible that she realizes she still doesn't have a mother and misses the parental role I played. I can't go back to that though.

I doubt she has actually seen the reality of the toxicity and manipulation in our family. If she did, she'd make the effort to get my number or DM me somehow. Knowing this, I cannot rekindle a relationship with her. That's hard but I think it's for the best.

Do you have any similar experiences? Any thoughts on this situation or ideas on her motivations for the low-effort reaching out? Also not sure what impact this stuff will have on my 13 yr old sister.

My partner has an interesting family dynamic; His parents divorced 2 decades ago but they never remarried or had any other relationships. They're still very involved with each other's families. His mother reminisces on her wedding day at times. I would have no idea they were divorced just from this behavior (they don't live together or anything though.) She expressed a strong disdain toward men to me privately once. She's different around people versus privately (like most people).

I've already sensed a lack of support for our relationship from the first time I met her. She also is very contrarian toward me, everything I say she disagrees with or tries to make a shady comment. She tries to find ways to put me down. She finds something wrong with everything I say so I don't really talk much around her. She doesn't do it as much around people because I shut her down when she did that once in front of others. My partner supported me.

I believe she never actually healed from her divorce. And while maintaining some sort of illusion of a marriage, seeing me and her son together may have forced her to confront uncomfortable feelings. My partner has also only had 1 other girlfriend before me and he's 30. I wonder if his mother expected him to stay single with her. You know, that dynamic where some single mothers replace a partner with their son in ways.

I always hoped to have a healthy relationship with my future mother-in-law. Especially since I have no relationship with my own parents. The rest of his family really like me, including his dad. But I think we'll be more of a nuclear family than anything.

Has anyone else experienced this with their partner's mom or anything similar? Any advice for dealing with a MIL who might be bitter, jealous, or insecure?

I was grilling chicken by the pool in my apartment complex yesterday when a random girl approached me and said "Hey, I need to talk to you." 

I took a closer look and realized I recognized her from social media. We actually went to the same college. So I was like "Heyyy, you went to [college name] right?" We have very brief small talk, i find out she's 25 (I'm 29). She tells me that she watches me on tiktok and even takes notes on my bible studies.

I've never seen her engage so I was surprised but admittedly flattered. Then she tells me she knows where I live and what car I drive. She said she thought about messaging me but she wanted to meet me organically. I didn't know what to think.

This goes on for maybe 1 minute. Then she's like "So I need to talk" and immediately goes into telling me about her abusive relationship. I was honestly just trying to relax and grill my chicken, I wasn't really in "spiritual leader" mode but I gave her some girl-to-girl advice. Basically, leave him, move away, enjoy her life. She also makes content, I told her to focus on her goals. 

We talked a little more about content, she said she kinda blew up years ago but it was overwhelming having random people know her so she deleted it and started over. She kept emphasizing how you never know who will find you and then strangers will know all about you. I share some personal things that I'm comfortable with online, like being estranged. I actually don't mind if a stranger wanted to talk to me about that. It just struck me as odd, like she was trying to make me uncomfortable with a stranger knowing so much about me? I mean, I was uncomfortable but more-so because I felt randomly bombarded while trying to enjoy a peacefule evening.

She gets to asking more questions like if I live with my boyfriend. I said yes but I'm actually moving in a week. She was disappointed that I'm leaving so soon. She starts asking questions about where I'm going, says she wants to go there too. I gave her vague info, like I told her the city but not my exact destination.

Anyway, she tells me she just can't get over the guy and that she would probably go over to his apartment tonight. The guy happens to live in the building next to mine. 

I told her she should come hang out with me, I cooked and was planning to watch a movie. I've witnessed my own mother in abusive relationships and it really tugged on my heart strings. Plus we went to the same college, it was normal for us to meet girls and hang out back then. I was looking at her as a peer by default. I know this probably was a misjudgement. She took my number, and asked for my last name (I thought that was odd but maybe it's normal?) She ended up texting me saying she couldn't make it. 

Now that I've had time to process, this experience was quite jarring. I offer 1-on-1 session as a spiritual coach that I charge for. I kind of think maybe she was waiting on an opportunity to approach me alone to get a free session? Which is bizarre because I have structured procedures for coaching sessions. Even if you try and approach me, you're not going to get a free session on the spot. My approach to coaching is different from "girl-to-girl" advice. 

Of course this is all a learning experience, I realize I need to have stronger boundaries with strangers, even if they're "familiar". Tbh I would've liked to have been friends with her but I realize she was just seeing me as a mentor or someone who could help her. I actually experience this a lot, where people don't really want to be friends, they just want things from me. 

Am I missing something here though? This was all very weird to me but I can't put my finger on it. Jealousy? Insecurity? What is this? Or am I just overthinking and this was all completely normal?

I'm typically a very guarded person but I let my guard down because of the "familiarity" which I shouldn't have. I'm neurodivergent and typically need 2 days to prepare for a social interaction. I wasn't able to process all of this in real-time.

As Black women, we deal with the double whammy of patriarchy and racism in America. Perfection is expected of us, and the goal post is often moved. We uniquely experience this on a systemic level.

“Family” and “home” are known to be the safe place for Black communities. That doesn’t exist for estranged children.

I want to know your experience of dealing with the weight of estrangement on top of simply existing in America.

It took a while to find the words to articulate mine. My male parent was always intensely critical of me, as well as dismissive (among other things.) That certainly prepared me for overachievement and people-pleasing. It also left me with crippling anxiety and self doubt.

As I grew up and started experiencing the criticism, expectation, and bias of the world, I realized it felt familiar. And then I wondered how my father could have treated me the same way as hateful strangers instead of being the safe place. I wondered why he bothered even being in my life.

I’d love to know if anyone can relate or your feelings personally about the layers of estrangement and systemic racism/patriarchy.

I'm no contact with both parents, I can use therapy terms to objectively describe my experience. But if I really had to describe my raw experience, it requires multiple sessions for me to even give a therapist my backstory.

Tbh if any of my immediate family cared to reach out and ask why I don't speak to them, I'd be too overwhelmed by the task of having to explain that I wouldn't bother. Thankfully, they know what they've done so I don't expect this to happen.

In my experience of explaining my abuse to my aunt, she literally could not believe me until she saw it for herself. Covert psychological abuse is so insidious because of how undetectable and hard to explain it can be.

I love connecting with other estranged adults because they generally understand me without me explaining much. But can anyone else relate to this sort of feeling? Where explaining your trauma just feels exhausting?

It feels like a tangled knot that I understand but don't care to unravel for others. I might write a book one day, but the thought of trying to word everything seems daunting.

The baseball game was their second date 😭 Then he’s like “you’re my life now” and she’s like “F you Charlie”.

😭😭😭

Trigger warning: Racism & SA

I had 1 session with a new therapist. I was very naive in overlooking how central racial dynamics have been to my life and identity being that I’m biracial. I have normally seen Black women therapists, but I gave this white therapist a shot because I liked the content of her profile on Psychology Today.

She also shared with me that she has mixed children and a Black husband so this made me think, she’ll get it, right?

Im estranged from my white mother, who is estranged from her mother. I have been filling some caregiver duties for my maternal grandparents.

My grandma is disabled with a hoarding disorder, I’ve been managing to help get their house cleaned up. My grandma has said some racist things to me over the years. Im low contact but I show up to help maintain basic quality of life.

I sought a therapist to help me navigate my ongoing grief in estrangement, plus the caregiving and complicated dynamic with my grandma.

I shared with my therapist how my grandma would scream at me “You’re not my daughter! My daughter is white!” during her outburst when I would try to clean. Hoarding disorders are a nightmare but she’s been more receptive to my cleaning in recent months. (something is also wrong mentally beyond the hoarding, but it’s all undiagnosed).

The therapist responded: “Well do you think she said that because it’s true?”

I mean yeah it’s true, but that’s not exactly the point? I’m not sure why my grandma identifying my mother‘s race is necessary in that situation. I shook this off and moved forward.

When I mentioned I was molested as a child by my uncle on my father’s side, the therapist told me that generational sexual abuse is “common in Black families.”

I trusted her as a professional and legitimately assumed that generational sexual abuse was something unique to Black people. But when I looked it up online, it happens more frequently in white families. There’s really no correlation to race, generational sexual abuse is most common in poor families. The wealth gap in America may lead you to believe that more Black people are poor, but being that only 13% of America is Black, the majority of poor people here are white.

Maybe she didn’t intend to come across this way, but her wording was very misleading and I initially took it as a fact because of her being a therapist. I lost trust in her. Imagine if I had went around telling others what she told me as if it were a fact?

Initially I thought I was overreacting and I planned to see her again. But I just kept feeling more and more sick about this. What are your thoughts?

The best therapist I’ve ever seen was an LMFT, she pivoted her career so I’ve been without a therapist for almost a year.

I’ve tried 3 different therapists since, one was okay. The other two traumatized me more. (None of them were LMFTs).

I filter by my insurance using Psychology Today, and of course I have to find someone licensed in my state. I haven’t found anyone who specializes in estrangement. I also don’t think narcissistic abuse is heavily recognized around here, especially in families. Is there another key word I should be looking for?

I just got really randomly lucky with my last great therapist. I’m not sure if I should only be looking for LMFTs or not.

People tend to think I’m seeking marriage counseling when I say I’m seeking an LMFT specifically. If I say it’s just for me, they act like I’m weird or something. Is this not okay?? why is it so hard to find another LMFT?

Please let me know what to look for when searching for a new therapist that actually understands estrangement and family narcissistic abuse.

The best therapist I’ve ever seen was an LMFT, she pivoted her career so I’ve been without a therapist for almost a year.

I’ve tried 3 different therapists since, one was okay. The other two traumatized me more. (None of these were LMFTs).

I filter by my insurance using Psychology Today, and of course I have to find someone licensed in my state. I haven’t found anyone who specializes in estrangement. I also don’t think narcissistic abuse is heavily recognized around here, especially in families. Is there another key word I should be looking for?

I just got really randomly lucky with my last great therapist. I’m not sure if I should only be looking for LMFTs or not.

People tend to think I’m seeking marriage counseling when I say I’m seeking an LMFT specifically. If I say it’s just for me, they act like I’m weird or something. Is this not okay?? why is it so hard to find another LMFT?

Please let me know what you look for when searching for a new therapist that actually understands estrangement and family narcissistic abuse.

Rewatching Twilight. Bella says "The best thing about Charlie, he doesn't hover." I just noticed the disappointment and confusion in her expressions as she said this.

Bella seems to be longing for a more intimate connection with Charlie. Charlie expresses his love more through gifts and acts of service (like the tires.) Charlie's emotional unavailability translates as rejection to Bella.

Cue Edward and their first encounter. Between his disgust and trying to change classes, Bella's immediately enthralled because Edward rejects her like Charlie.

In the end, we see more emotion from Charlie as she leaves. They have their moments throughout the rest of the saga. But I wish there would've been a real heart to heart conversation.

She never expressed exactly what she wanted from Charlie or how she was impacted by her parents' divorce, etc. The audience gets to make their own assumptions but it would've been nice to see a moment like that between Bella and Charlie.

Amongst other problematic things, it sends the message to young girls that romantic love fills the void of father wounds. Transparent conversations and even therapy are still important, even if we're lucky enough to end up with our soul mates.

Honestly wonder how the movie would've went if Bella had seen a therapist lol.

I'm sure I'll have more thoughts as I continue rewatching the saga. Do you have anything to add to the topic concerning Bella's daddy issues or the messaging of the movie?

I'm curious if there are any only children who are estranged from parents that have no other support? No siblings or extended family. Do you have any plans to support your parent(s) as they age despite estrangement?

To give background, I am a 29F estranged child. My mother, who is an only-child, is also estranged from her mother. As my mother's parents are aging, with my grandma being disabled, the responsibility to care for them is falling on me.

As an estranged daughter, I objectively respect my mother's distance from her parents. Her mother was abusive to her and never took accountability. Mostly due to being on prescription medications and not remembering, but I've still told my grandma she should apologize to my mother and take accountability. She has not done so, but they are willing to provide financial support if my mother ever asks for it. My grandma was never abusive to me but I still give my mother the benefit-of-the-doubt and validated her experience.

My mom's childhood did a number on her, she ended up seeking love in men and ended up with 7 children by 4 men, never married, and a string of abusive relationships that continue today. My mother took me from my grandparents as a child and abandoned me at 5 years old, leaving me and 2 siblings with her boyfriend's family. I am the oldest, I grew up taking care of my siblings as well as being a servant girl to that family until I was 15 and went to live with my grandparents.

As an adult, I tried to help my mother but once I realized that I was enabling her to remain in an abusive relationship, allowing 5 of my siblings to also be abused, I began making police reports in 2016. Her current boyfriend has a powerful family, so the police never helped.

In 2024, my 14 yr old brother was pistol whipped and brutally attacked by mom's bf and they were removed from the home. I took them in until custody was given to their father. My mother alienated me from my siblings after this. She still takes no accountability, defends her boyfriend and denies his abuse despite photo and video evidence, etc. There is no way for me to safely have a relationship with her at this time. She continues smearing me and blaming me for everything, including the abuse of her children (very bizarre).

I spent my life taking care of my siblings, and trying to help her. With my siblings safe now, and one sister finished with college, I am finally able to focus on me. Except it just so happens that my grandparents are needing more support as they age and so I'm back in a caretaking role.

I love my grandparents, and I respect my mother's estrangement as an estranged daughter myself. But I can't help but feel like my mother left me to take care of her kids AND her parents. Like her responsibilities just fell on me in a way, and that's frustrating.

My grandparents also have my mother listed as Power of Attorney. It's basically going to be me doing the grunt work until they pass away, then mom will come parade around as the queen of the show and everything will go to her. I'm okay with that, I just wish I didn't have to deal with all of this responsibility and stress right now.

I wish my mother would do more to help them, especially since she's an only child and they have no other support besides me. But I know that's selfish since I understand her estrangement.

Please provide me with any thoughts? Is is okay for me to feel that she should help? Should I just suck it up and deal with it? Would you support your parents at all if this were the case?

I’ve been trying to remember this song for years. The last time I heard it was 7 years ago walking up to a bar with my friends.

I don’t think it was Chaka or Whitney Houston, but she sounded similar to them. I‘m estimating it’s a late 80s/early 90s song.

I can’t remember the words, but lady of the night and dance queen are popping up in my mind.

It‘s not Queen of the Night by Whitney Houston. It had an edgy vibe to it, like Dirty Diana I’ve listened to hours of popular 80s/90s songs and still haven’t found it 😫 AI hasn’t helped either.