My NC mother made plans with my MIL, whom i actually have a good relationship with. I haven't disclosed the reasons why i am NC to my MIL but told her it made me uncomfortable that my NC mother reached out to "catch up" with her. Nevertheless, they are currently "catching up" as we speak. Why am i pissed off? Should i be?
To give a bit of backstory, I'm a 39M who went from family enmeshment to family estrangement after becoming a dad. My parents (in particular my mum) were very overbearing, controlling and hyper critical of my wife's parenting. When I stepped in to set some boundaries (something I'd never done with them before) they claimed my wife had manipulated and controlled me to the point they no longer recognised me, rather than accept my natural healthy growth as a first time dad. My dad ended up sending a very abusive message to my wife and since then we haven't had much contact. They refuse to take any accountability for their behaviour but insist on us sweeping it all under the rug and carrying on as normal. It's been almost a year now of very LC and maybe 6 months NC but my mum just won't quit. She keeps finding ways to reach me and when she gets through she completely disrupts the balance in our home. I don't wish my parents any harm and would be sad if I found out they died, but mostly because they would have died not understanding me and refusing to accept the man I am today.
What do you make of my therapist? She is always encouraging me to make peace and move on and practice compassion for others... It makes me feel weird to be honest. I've told her several times I'm not ready to have any contact with them but she tries to encourage me to send cards at Christmas and stuff.
I'm sorry for dumping all of that here. I'm feeling very betrayed, lost, and like I can't trust anyone but myself at the moment. Maybe that's where I'm supposed to be right now...
Please share your pearls of wisdom or give me a stiff talking to if you think I'm overreacting.
Thanks
Soo yeah pretty much the title. what I specifically wanna rant about is a situation with one of my sets of grandparents. it doesn't really matter which parent they belong to.
these grandparents reached out to me when I was kicked out three years ago, seemingly offering help. what the help ended up being was them berating me over the phone that I'm being too "stuck in the past" by talking about how I've been abused and started shouting that what I should be worried about money and how I'm going to survive on my own.And as any reasonable person in my situation would be, I was already worried about both being abused and surviving the rest of my life completely alone. I was obviously hysterical over the phone, which didn't seem to deter my grandparents.
So now, three years later. My parents still follow me on this one social media, so I occasionally post melodramatic vague posts about being devastated. This is when my grandparents reach out again saying my posts "make them feel sad" and they're wondering if they can do anything to help. the offer of "help" three years after I've been kicked out was laughable if not infuriating. nevertheless I accept, and tell them there is something they could do for me. I tell them about my parents withholding my things from me. I tell them how much I would appreciate it if somebody, anybody would advocate for me. they leave me on read for a week, and say they'll definitely do this for me. the next month they let me know they asked my parent a week ago about the items, but they haven't heard back. they tell me they don't really hear from them much anymore anyway, so hopefully they'll just directly contact me.
this leads into the screenshots I'm gonna provide. a little context for the first screenshot, they leave me on read for a day and then gave my message a thumbs up which made me upset idk, so I sent a thumbs up back. any thoughts are appreciated, idk they make me feel so insane.
My parents only contact me on my birthday. It’s just to tell me, “Happy Birthday.”
Interested because I cut off my parents, and they seemed to show no mutual desire to continue the relationship.
Sometimes I wonder who cut who off.
Hey everyone, I just posted over in r/legal about needing some advice, but I'd love to hear from people here who actually get it. I'm in California, completely no-contact with my biological family, and I want to make sure my parents or anyone else from that side can never make medical decisions for me or get my info. Has anyone done this, and do you have any tips or advice? Especially with dealing with narcissists and keeping them out of your business?
I went no contact again with my mom three months ago. The only thing is that I never officially said, “Hey, I’m going no contact.” The first two months were hectic, she got a missing person’s report and my entire family involved. I broke and messaged her that I was okay and then she demanded a picture of me which I sent. I also called the police officer who reached out to me and told him that it’s all nonsense. (I’ve cut off contact with the rest of my family as well.) Now she demands that I call her, which I really don’t want to do and she has begun to reach put to my partner and the people he follows on facebook to ask about me. She’s accused him of trafficking me and I don’t know how to get her to stop without giving into her demands. Do I need to have the conversation to get it through her head, she understood the first time I went nc that I simply didn’t want to be around her, but now is different.
I (43M) am looking for some perspective and advice from anyone who has had to navigate a low-contact or estranged relationship with a parent due to a dangerous partner.
My sister completely cut ties ten years ago. I live 200 miles away with my wife and two kids (9 and 14). My mum (67F) is married to a man (58M) who has spent the last 25 years systematically isolating her, controlling her, and convincing her she is disabled and helpless. He is dangerous and abusive.
Over the years, his behaviour has been extreme. He attempted to sexually assault my sister when she was under 18, and again later as an adult. He used to prevent my mum from visiting me by forcing her to leave her dog behind, threatening to kill the animal if she did not return on time. He is into QAnon (despite being British) and wears highly offensive, racist clothing around my children. He also keeps a collection of replica BB guns and hunting knives. He pointed one of the guns at one of my children while they were being breastfed.
My mum does not use mobile phones, texts, or email, so our only communication is via landline. I call once a month and keep the conversation light. Updates on what’s been happening, fairly bland conversations, keep the calls brief.
We have not visited them in a year. Recently on a call, my mum asked when we are coming down next. When I tried to compromise in by suggesting a public meeting away from their house, she went to ask his permission, and I could hear him in the background screaming and swearing at her.
Obviously, I am never bringing my children near this man again. But because she is trapped in this coercive control dynamic, any boundaries I set are intercepted by him, and she is the one who bears the brunt of his anger.
How do you handle the guilt of leaving a parent in that environment, knowing she is a victim? If you have had to maintain this kind of hard boundary through a single, controlled phone line, how do you handle the pressure when they demand to know why you won't visit or give up your address?
Any advice or shared experiences would be greatly appreciated.
(Please let me know your thoughts and if you relate, I’d love to hear them. I also need a title if anyone has a good suggestion)
Mom smokes cigarettes while washing dishes
She never leaves the kitchen
All she does is cook food that no one ever eats
and drink wine
and smoke more cigarettes
She makes sure we all know
how miserable she is
doing all she does for us
She never stops, doesn’t have the time
too busy being a good mom
and telling us how much we need her
She liked me best when I left her alone
I liked her best when I did too
Dad is always at one of two places
either asleep on the couch,
or face down in our driveway
He spends his free time being yelled at by Mom
“Michael! Damn it! Take out this trash!
Switch the laundry! Open this bottle!
You drunk piece of shit! TELL ME WHERE IT IS!
I’m pouring your liquor down the goddamn sink!
MICHAEL!!!!!! I’M NOT DOING EVERYTHING!”
He just grunts and stands up
mutters “alright, I’m coming woman”
then does … well … everything
Dad never yells or complains
just quietly endures
after he’s done everything demanded
he sits outside in his rocking chair
and drinks until he falls out of it
then crawls through the front door
and stumbles to his couch
He liked me best when I would shut up
I understood why
and we never talked much after that
I learned early that love was granted
to good girls who shut up and go away
I got really good at it
living inside of my head
and being raised by the voice inside it
It became my super power
I wore my lonely like a cape
and no one seemed to notice
when I turned invisible one day
I’m not sure when it happened exactly
I just know I became a shadow
before I ever figured out how to cast one
I was a ghost before I ever had the chance
to be a person
I felt like the best daughter in the world
only no one could see me
I was an invisible kid
who spent her entire childhood
learning how to be seen
by two parents who hated
the sound of her voice
Just to grow up and realize
that they never would
It’s too late
It can’t be done
And besides
I’ve already built my whole life
out of not bothering anyone
I 30f went no contact with my mom 8 months ago. since then she has been running her mouth to anyone that will listen to try to get them to help her change my mind and speak to her again. I normally wouldn’t care but one of the things she is telling them is that my husband is abusing me and he forced me to stop talking to her.
This is not true. He is an amazing husband, father and my best friend. In no way am I being abused or manipulated. He just supports me with everything so when I decided I was done with my mom he supported me.
The problem is my father is threatening to go to social media saying my husband is abusing me if I don’t let my mom see my kids.
My husband has a pretty public job and if this gets back to anyone he works with it would affect his work life immensely. Promotions, transfers and even just day to day life.
Is there anything I can do to get them to stop spreading lies? I know it’s just a matter of time before they say it to the wrong person and it gets back to my husbands work.
So I've pretty much limited most contact between me and my family, and I'm a loner now. Though I'm safe, I still feel a sense of danger because the lies about me never stop. It's gotten so bad that whenever I meet someone who is nice to me I assume they must be trying to manipulate me as my family have. I've felt this way for 14 years now since I was 18. I used to joke around about serious subjects to make light of them, but my family would take my jokes very seriously and use them as a way to villainize me. The abuse was covert. They were very friendly to my face, but spoke badly about me to everyone behind my back. I now struggle with basic interactions and knowing how to communicate, having been lied to my entire life. I feel an intense sadness mixed with anger most days because I know what they did to me was wrong, but I feel helpless to do anything about it.
Has anyone else been through anything similar? And did you find a way to make it easier to connect with people?
My mom has started getting into those "my child abandoned me waaah :( " groups on Facebook and it's hilarious because it's the same two posts repeated infinite times.
My child abandoned me for NO REASON and gave me NO CHANCE to fix it. This is cruel. The pain is literally worse than dying. I can't believe my own child would do this to me.
I wasn't cut off by my child, I decided their absence was less painful than their disrespect! I walked away from a spoiled child who tried to put boundaries on ME, the PARENT! I don't need them!
This isn't even the Goomba Fallacy here. It literally gets shared by the same people agreeing every time, even when the OP is different (and sometimes it's the same OP too!)
Which are they, BRAVE warriors who chose to PUT THEIR CHILD IN THEIR PLACE forEVER and ever, or are they said innocent victims who were tragically abandoned by the child they selflessly spent 18 years psychologically damaging?
Hi everyone. I've post a few times on here before. I'm a 39M who went from being enmeshed to estranged after having my own son. It was a long painful journey and my mum just reached out after over 6 months no contact.
She appears to be threatening her imminent death as a way to guilt trip me for protecting myself and my own family, and I was wondering whether anyone else has experienced this before and how it affected them?
I have shared another screenshot from my therapist. Id love to hear your opinions on what she has said to me as well.
I am feeling very tired and angry with all of this. I was just finally starting to get some peace back in my life and my wife and I were just starting to be happy again, and she managed to find a way to breach that peace again. She's done this before...
A part of me still finds it hard to watch her struggle so stubbornly so I don't wish to hurt her anymore. I just want to get on with my life.
I welcome your thoughts and input. Thanks
I have literally no family at all. I grew up Mormon and lost my entire mom's side of the family by leaving the Mormon church. They disowned me but it's actually happier that way. And my father died as a child and his non Mormon family was not supported by my community so I never met them.
I'm getting married and it is exciting. I'm trying to focus on it being about us. But it does suck so bad seeing my fiance have all her family coming while I have a couple of friends that are also her friends at this point. Feels like there are people going for her and for us. Sucks feeling like I don't have anyone there for me. But that's something I feel a lot in life, it just sucks to not have a family support system period. I'm so happy she gets to have a father daughter dance and her parents walk her down the aisle. Kinda sucky to not get to have any family traditions to do. Idk it's not that big of a deal I've just been a little sad about how sidelined it makes me feel sometimes.
Anyways I'm just venting. Overall I'm very excited and happy
I‘m 31 years old. I have an 18 month old son. A great community, a loving fiancé and wonderful friends. That’s what I should focus on. But instead here I am (again) spending a lot of time and energy on writing yet another letter to my 62 year old mother, explaining how to maintain a basic relationship. Finding the perfect words to explain that actions have consequences. That relationships need accountability. That she can’t be horrible to me and still expect to be invited to my wedding in two months. As if another explanation will fix everything. As if she didn’t already understand. I feel like I’m writing a three year old. „When you’re hitting me with a stick it hurts me, even if you didn’t want to hurt me“. Sometimes I can’t help but see how stupidly funny this all is. I even titled the letter „the last letter“. Will I ever learn what she showed me a thousand times?
I wanted to go no contact with my mother when I was 19, but I didn't. I kept hoping things would somehow get better because she was still my mother.
Instead, I stayed in that relationship for another 16 years.
I finally went no contact at 34.
One example why it happend…
When I was about 13, my father was drunk, as he always was. My mother was sitting at a table writing what looked like a suicide note. She wasn't planning to kill herself. She was trying to manipulate my father into feeling guilty.
The problem was that he was too drunk to care.
I realized what she was writing, panicked, and ran after her because I genuinely believed my mother was about to kill herself. I still remember that fear.
Nothing happened.
She never intended to go through with it. It was just another way to manipulate people around her.
The cruel irony is that six years later, I found another suicide note on that very same table.
It was my little brother's.
He had already taken his own life. He climbed an electricity pole and jumped. I was the one who found him.
While my brother was struggling enough to end his life, my mother was center of the attention, everyone was worried about her and why she did not go to work and so on-Well she was drinking with my father.
I still carry guilt. Intellectually, I know I wasn't responsible. I was a child growing up in a deeply dysfunctional family.
Even now, she still tries to contact me.
Every email ends with one word:
Mother
As if that title alone gives her authority. As if simply calling herself "Mother" should erase everything that happened or obligate me to respond.
To me, being a mother isn't a title you sign at the end of an email. It's something you earn through love, safety, and protecting your children.
I miss my little brother every single day.
Going no contact at 34 didn't change the past, but it finally ended the cycle. I only wish I had found the strength to do it sooner.
I’m a 24 yr female. I’ve struggled with an extremely unhealthy codependent relationship with my mother for all of my adult life, and I’m at a point where I’m thinking it’s time I finally pack up and just leave.
I can’t stay in this house any longer. My life is slowly withering away as time passes, and I know if I continue to stay here things will only get worse.
I’m posting this to ask if anyone here has experience with this. The thought of packing up and leaving everything I’ve ever known behind to go into the unknown is horrifying, and I know it’s highly impulsive and irrational to just leave without a plan or a place to stay, but I at least have a pretty good bit of money saved up.
If anyone has any advice or tips or has done this before pls share. Thank you.
On days like today I feel conflicting feelings about cutting my family off. I have no one to get ready for and no family to visit on a holiday. My daughter is playing Stardew valley. I know we could just go out to public events but sometimes that hurts more to see everyone there with family. Plus I’m on a new medication that increases my sun sensitivity. What my family has done over the years is bad enough to where I think we’d be worse off in the long run if I “sucked it up” just to have family for holidays. But it feels embarrassing when I’m with online friends who say they’re preparing a meal for a family get together and I’m just in the house. I feel like I’m ruining my daughter’s childhood and idk. Maybe it’s just not meant to be.
I've made rhe hard decision to cut off my mom. Im 20 and have a turbulent relationship with my mother. At this point I've decided that I can't keep having a relationship with her. I've effecting my mental and physical health at this point and neither of us are happy in this relationship.
I want some advice on how to even start writing that text message. Also I still need all my legal papers from her. Proof of citizenship, adoption papers, name change papers, passport, social security card. Shes refused to give it to make in the past and if im not going to have her n my life im going to need that.
There is absolutely no way I can stay in the relationship even for those things. I dont want her knowing my new address so should I give her someone else's? Like a friend?
I could really use some advice around all this.
Edit: Thank you for the support. I've texted my mom to tell her im cutting her off. I. Crossing my fingers she send me the papers and if not I will just go through the process of get replacements.
I previously posted this to a pregnancy sub, but then I found and joined this sub, and maybe someone here has gone through this? I’m grieving in a very weird way and think I finally have the strength after this event to go at the very least low contact. :/
————-
Hi everyone! I’m new here, just 5 weeks along, but I’m just feeling kind of lonely and was wondering if anyone else had similar experiences.
My family and I are not in a very good place right now. I’m 30 (oldest of 5), and the sibling right under me is my 28 year old sister who is really really cruel and a mean person and has been since our childhood.
I am not this way, and I was definitely a co-parent growing up because my dad was gone for work a lot and I have a lot of trauma from that. Because of that (I suspect), Any time there is a rift in my family it turns around to be my fault somehow, and I’m having a tough time navigating this with all of these extra big pregnancy emotions.
Very summarized of course, but in April I gently called-in my sister (our relationship had been decent for about 2 years at that point and I thought she had changed) on some bullying behavior toward our older half-sister’s autistic children. I mean, she was very cruel, and tbh my husband is au-dhd and I suspect that I may be autistic so I called her in just in case she didn’t realize how shitty she had been - and I would want someone to tell me I was being an asshole too, honestly. She was upset, fine, we just went our separate ways. My other sister graduated high school in May and my family got together. The 28 year old sister had a baby, so I made them a bunch of freezer meals to deliver them at this graduation party, we were cordial, all was fine, I thought she got over it. Well, this past Monday my family came to town and passed around the new baby. We were in public at a restaurant, and our mom went to pass me new baby, when all of a sudden my sister and her husband (wouldn’t look me in the eye of course) said that we were “not allowed to touch their baby”. I was very shocked by this, genuinely speechless and so I had no words. I turned to my husband who immediately went into action and quickly and quietly boxed up our food. We left very quickly and as quietly as possible because I was just so humiliated and did not want to contribute to the scene they were trying to make. I’m better than that.
My 18 year old sister is now very upset with me that I “ruined” a “celebration dinner” (we literally met at the mall food court on their way out of town and I had NO idea she considered it a special dinner, they were just looking at apartments in town that day) even though I am not the one who made the scene.
Historically, my family is afraid of my 28 year old sister because of how cruel she can be. And now there’s a baby involved that is being used as a pawn and a means of control. It’s easier to tell me it’s my fault and I need to keep the peace (“you’re the oldest, be the example!!! You know how she is, just apologize!!”), and I’m willing to hear when I am in the wrong, but in this situation it was just so clearly not a “Me” issue. I obviously wouldn’t have tried to hold the baby if I knew she was so pissed off at me months later.
Is this abuse? Am I stupid? I feel like I always come crawling back hoping things will change and it doesn’t. This type of behavior stresses me out and makes me so nervous to include my family in my pregnancy. I just want a family, and one that loves me. So maybe I’m a fool.
I wasn’t planning to write this much, so thanks for reading if you stayed this long. I guess I’m looking to see if other people have shit family relationships and things turn out okay in the end anyway. It makes me feel like I will be an inadequate mother already, even though I know that line of thinking is something I have been trained over time to have in order to be my family’s scapegoat. I see all of these pregnancy announcements and ultra happy reactions on Instagram and, while I should know better, I just feel sad and envious that I don’t have that. I don’t know how to go low contact. Yes, I’m in therapy! Just kind of wondering what others with tough family relationships do. My depression is getting very bad and I haven’t been able to eat in days. I’m eating like maybe 500 cals a day and have already lost 10 pounds. I’ll stop rambling now, any advice or stories or well wishes welcome. Thank you 😭💔
Cut off my narcissistic mother 18 months ago after my final straw.
Realised how deep routed my people pleasing and lack of self worth was due to my relationship with her.
Cutting her off was like rewiring my subconscious to “nobody will ever exploit you like this again, you are whole, you are loved, and I’ve got you”
Since then, my ability to stay firm in boundaries and not fold to emotional manipulation has continuously improved. And it’s a natural progression. I’m not over expending energy improving in that regards.
These improvements showed up in my romantic relationship, friendships, other family members, and career.
All of which have improved since.
I don’t regulate my partners emotions and fail to communicate my needs. We have deeper intimacy and trust.
I don’t accept people into my life who don’t make me feel seen and appreciated. I now found the most aligned friendship group I’ve ever had.
I don’t accept scenarios at work that are unfulfilling and that don’t fairly recognise my value. My income has since doubled and I have received opportunities way earlier in my career than expected.
For me, all this stems back to what was born internally the moment I decided to operate from “I love you and always will but respectfully fuck you for not giving me the love I deserved, I’ll provide it for myself” and cutting her off.
I didn’t just cut her off. I fucking rewired the foundations of my self esteem.
Crazy.
I really hope my story can empower some of you guys to trust your intuition and put yourself first.
They never did. But you can.
I extend love to all of you reading this and hope you can feel as empowered as I do 18 months later.
My experience is just my experience and by no means I’m I telling you what to do. I just hope that this insight is helpful, as I know it would have been for a previous version of myself.