r/EstrangedAdultChild

I’m recently no contact with my Mom. She has a personality disorder and is abusive to everyone around her. I love my grandmother but she walks on thin ice to not set my mom off. My grandmother always forgives my mom & allows her to abuse her.
Just yesterday my Mom went running to my Grandmom about drama revolving around me. My grandma canceled our beach trip this weekend due to being too upset about the situation but yet she’s hanging out with my Mom tonight.

Next week marks one full year since I went no-contact with my immediate family. It’s been even longer for my extended family, because my NC mother decided she had some kind of legal authority over who my siblings and I were allowed to speak to. That isolation was part of the design, and it worked for a long time.

I left for a lot of reasons, but the big ones were that the home was no longer safe for me — mentally or physically. I won’t get into every detail here, but I’m sure a lot of you understand what it’s like to carry a list of reasons in your head that you’ve had to defend to people who will never get it.

Anyway, after a year of white-knuckling it, I finally made an appointment with a therapist. I’ve never done this before. I’m nervous, but also kind of relieved that I’m doing something for myself that isn’t just survival mode.

For those of you who have been to therapy — especially after estrangement — how did it go for you? What did you bring up in those first few sessions? Did it help? Did it bring up things you weren’t expecting?

I guess I’m asking because I want to walk in with some idea of what to say, but honestly, I don’t even know where to start.

I’m the parent of 2 estranged adult children. I’m not asking for absolution or agreement. But just curious of people’s take on the situation. And it takes two to screw up a relationship. I accept my faults.

My son went to a private national university, all paid by me and he graduated with a computer engineering degree. While at school, he did well in his studies (he’s smart) but also played video games to the point where all his peers had internships but he never tried to apply. So summer break would happen and he’d come home with nothing to do other than play games. This went on to graduation. There was quite a bit of discourse between my wife and me but she was of the “let him be” mindset. So now he graduates with nothing on the work horizon. A quarter of a million dollars spent and he comes home and plays more video games. Life goes on and my wife and I separate. I tell him, now that she is gone, you can’t sit at home and play games. Finding a job is a 40 hr a week job, and when you aren’t applying to jobs, you are writing code and publishing to GitHub (nerd stuff but critical at the time to finding engineering work). He knuckles down and does it and lands a “new hire” program position at a great company. It’s for recent grads and now that he’s missed the new grad hiring window he has to wait one year. So he starts playing games again. I tell him “NO”. Volunteer, find a gig, do contract work. But you aren’t playing video games 40 hrs a week. At this time, my ex has moved into her own place and he says he’s moving in with her. So he spends the next year playing games and then goes off to his job where he is successful (He is smart) but he has no social life. I have access to his bank accounts. It’s just sad. Purchases to game companies (steam etc…). He doesn’t want to talk to me.

My daughter is slightly different. Smart, engaging and driven. Private national universities again. Even more academically proficient than my son. Three quarters of a million dollars into her education and she gets accepted to a great PhD program. Underwritten by me. I am all for it but I am then diagnosed with cancer. Her PhD program has given her a full ride so I tell her I’m quitting my job and I couldn’t work like I did before while fighting cancer and her only comment was “well can you give me X for this…”. So I write her a check for more than most families make in a year, and her response is “thanks”. They make student loans, car loans, home loans, one thing they don’t make is retirement or medical loans. I need what money I hadn’t spent on the kids for my cancer care. She get’s grumpy about it.

So I’m receiving treatment and am sick. She comes to town (I know as I underwrite it) and she doesn’t call to see how I am doing. I don’t need “help” and can stagger around my home but a call would be nice. So I call her. She’s out with her friends on the town! I yell at her. Not a proud moment but I was furious. Not even a “how are you doing” or “do you need help” when she is in town.

So she goes no contact, oh, other than to take money.

I feel like I created these people. I ‘m sure there are other context items where the kids were like “dad did this” but seriously, these kids wanted for nothing. I never missed an academic event, soccer game, football game, gymnastics meet or cross country event. I took time off and made up the time at night (as an engineer I could do that).

I led a very big project at my company. You have heard of this company and heard of this product. A completely new architecture. A gamble. All on me. I thought I was going to die of stress so many times. I’m sure it impacted our home lives. I was there but probably withdrawn all of the time.

But I am furious at my kids. Probably more than they are of me. Where did I go wrong?

TLDR: I threw a bunch of money at my kids. I worked too much. I pushed my kids.

So I just want to start off by saying that going no contact has been so much more challenging than I imagined. My mom was there but not THERE if yk what I mean. She’s been a drug addict for as long as I can remember and as her only child, you can imagine what that meant for me 🫩 does anyone battle with feeling like a child again? I genuinely feel like going no contact made me face younger versions of myself! The teenage version of me has been making her way to the forefront more often and BOY when I tell you she is ANGRY. My mom should be ashamed of herself…I tried so fuckin hard to get her to acknowledge me my entire life. Acknowledge what she did to me, what she robbed me of because drugs were more important than the relationship with her ONLY CHILD, her daughter at that. I was speaking with my therapist and I said,” what if I can’t forgive her? What type of person does that make me?” And my therapist asked me why I was so hell bent on WANTING to forgive someone who treated me like shit my whole life? 😭 my mom was my first bully, she instilled shame and doubt into me and how do I forgive you for that? I thought that the anger would push me far enough but the anger has fizzled out, now all I’m left feeling is confusion and guilt. It hasn’t even been a year yet…I feel like I’m punishing myself grieving this relationship with my mom and what I could’ve been had she loved and nurtured me properly. To the people who have been estranged for years and years, does it get easier?

My father was ejected from the home 40 years ago after years of abusing my mother.

He tried to make contact with me twice in that time.

The first time, I said I’d be willing to meet him if he came down. He refused to do that. I should, as the son, come following him, apparently.

The second time, he said he was dying and needed to see me. Again, I said he could come to see me. He grudgingly accepted.

He lasted about ten minutes. The moment I asked him simple questions he started cussing my family and walked off. I told him to tell his new wife to call me when he died so I could say a prayer at his grave. This is my duty as a son.

I haven’t received a call and that was 15 years ago.

He could’ve been lying about dying. He is, however, of the age when he could be dying and his second wife clearly resented me.

All I have is his name. No address. No date of birth. Just his full name.

How can I find out if he’s died or not? I’m in the UK.

I'm from a fairly traditional South Asian family. I recently got married to my boyfriend. Because of serious issues with my family, including manipulation and a lot of mental stress, I eventually left home and had very limited contact with them. The situation affected me significantly and I eventually had to seek professional support.

My husband and I decided to have a very simple marriage registration with just the two of us, two witnesses and the registrar. We then moved into our own home and started our life together. We're genuinely happy and peaceful.

My family didn't know about the marriage beforehand. About a week after getting married, I contacted them and informed them out of respect. Since then, my grandmother has repeatedly questioned why I didn't tell them earlier, why I didn't invite them, why I didn't wait until our planned wedding date, and what she should tell relatives. I've already explained my reasons several times and have told her firmly that I don't want to keep discussing it.

Recently, she somehow obtained my husband's phone number even though I had specifically told her I didn't want her contacting him. She called him and asked him the same questions she'd already asked me, and even asked him to tell me to speak to the family.

My husband refused and told her that whether I maintain contact with them is my decision and that he wouldn't manipulate or pressure me. I really appreciated his response and felt very respected by him.

I've now spoken to my grandmother very firmly and told her that she's becoming a burden to me, that I've already explained everything, and that I don't want her involving my husband or repeatedly questioning my marriage.

My biggest problem now is the emotional exhaustion. Every time they contact us, it takes up so much mental and emotional energy and starts affecting the peaceful life my husband and I have built together.

I don't want to keep fighting with them. I just want to protect the peaceful life my husband and I have built.

How would you handle this from here?

You can trick yourself into thinking that no my abuse wasn't that serious, they had their reasons, I probably did something wrong etc.

But if you, like me, decided to go NC it's really that fucking SIMPLE of a VALID reason and it's because it was NEEDED for YOUR SAFETY and MENTAL HEALTH ETC.

And it shall remains NC FOREVER. PERIOD.

You don't get abused to the point of going NC just to come back into the hell's den once more.

RESPECT YOURSELF.

Because I garuantee you that your parents WILL NOT RESPECT YOU.

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU TRY.

If anything you're teaching theses vile and demonic creatures that they should abuse you even more that last time because you always come back.

Them being your parents does not grant them any special rights to abuse.

If a coworker, a friend, a stranger did half the thing your parents did to you. You would DEFINITELY have cut them off a long time ago.

The same applies there.

If anything, they instead should have treated you with way more respect than randoms people but obviously didn't.

Just show how little if none they cared and care about you.

Search for the loving and gold people you never had by connecting with the rights ones.

Do not get stuck in the past by repeating the same mistakes over again.

I'm finding that this idea of chosen family, at least here in the United States, is bullshit.

I have had an amazing group of friends. One that I had never felt more comfortable to be myself. However, recently, it's just become more apparent that a friend relationship will never cross the "familial".

I completely understand that it's different.

I'm just wondering if anyone here has ever found a group that they can fully depend on? Someone that if it all went to shit that you wouldn't feel ashamed to call, if you were feeling unsafe that they would drop what they were doing and come help, etc.?

I just.. I feel like I've given up on the idea and almost given up on friendships entirely.

We all are at different levels of estrangement or NC/VLC with our family of origin (it rarely sticks to one or both parents, the dysfunction is systemic and what role you play in family).

My question is do you fear that sharing your 15 year history and multiple step by step reasons for estrangement can be used to manipulate you.

For each failure they can easily say "we shouldn't have done that, you deserve better, we are sorry", or gaslight you by saying something like "this is not what happened, this happened".

I think estrangement letter is like you giving them lifetime ammunition to manipulate you so that they can restore access, authority and obligations.

If they respect boundaries and respect distance for several years then you can start accepting that they have changed or at least accepted a changed relationship status.

I posted about the saga with my mom and step dad disowning me (twice) earlier this summer after I disclosed to them that I’d reconnected with my bio dad (my mom’s ex-husband from ~40 years ago). I appreciated all the support and feedback.

Today, we received a second letter to my young kids (ages 3 and 7) from my mother. My husband intercepted it and we agreed that I wouldn’t read these because they send me into an emotional spiral and depression.

I’m seeking advice on how to handle her continued attempts to bypass me as her daughter and my kids’ mother by mailing them cards and letters.

For context, when she cut me out of her life for “betraying” her, she said she didn’t want anything to change with my kids and her / my step dad, but she refused to have me as part of her life. I’m not quite sure how she expects that to work. Should I take this opportunity to inform her that there can not be a relationship with my kids if the adult relationships aren’t in a healthy place? Ie. She can’t just discard me and expect my kids to not be confused and distressed by it. This ordeal has caused me immense emotional pain (on the heels of a life of dysfunction with them) and my kids, esp my older one, are very aware of what has happened.

Or should I just let my husband keep intercepting these letters and give her the silence and space she said she wants? TY for reading 🫶🏻

Just a vent. I am not going to talk to them nor help them. Just yapping in a subreddit full of people who might get what i mean.

My mother is mentally ill. Seems to think she isnt or minimizes it. She often ends up homeless and i usually take her in until she turns on me and leaves and im left with an absolutely destroyed room.

This last time she came to the conclusion that she is a psychic and that not only is my aura dark and evil, but i am messing with dark forces that will only make my aura worse. (My only guess to what the dark forces are is maybe playing warhammer. Otherwise im pretty boring.) She then said how every single bad thing that has ever happened to her including before my birth is my fault and that I am not spiritually her child. She left the room she was staying in so damaged that it will cost me thousands to fix it and thats if I do the work myself.

There's no helping that. But I have found that she is once again homeless. Living in her car and driving around the woods. She got rid of her dog because her new bf att didn't like the dog. So shes just alone in a car and mentally unwell.

I feel bad for her. I have a sense of responsibility to take care of her. She's terrible, a headache at best, and i dont particularly like her nor does she like me. She will not be coming into my home again. But it is hard fighting that instinct to take care of her. I think she should be in a home, but she isnt all that old and tends to initially come off and stable. She absolutely is not. She is paranoid and has delusions. I wish she was safe somewhere.

After a little over a year of NC, I have reached out to my mom. I don't know what's going to come of it so just looking for some community and support here. I'd appreciate not getting comments assuming it's not going to work out (I understand that's a real possibility). I don't know what I'm looking for ,maybe just affirmation that this is a fair and reasonable message and I've done everything I could.

for background - mom was physically and emotionally abusive and emotionally neglectful, dad was more emotionally abusive and neglectful (consumed with work). Mom seems more open to being wrong and making amends. Dad is offended I've suggested he was less than a wonderful father.

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[mom], I have accepted that you may not be willing or able to engage in a relationship with me that has the basic kindness, respect, and consideration I believe a healthy relationship requires. At the same time, I care about my daughter and would like her to have the opportunity to know her family, if a healthy and safe relationship is possible.

For that reason, I am again proposing that we discuss our concerns with a neutral therapist present and see whether we can come to an understanding about the existing concerns and what would be needed to move forward. I can only have people in my daughter’s life if I am confident that the relationship will be safe and respectful for both her and me.

Also, as I've previously explained, an apology is more than the words “I'm sorry.” Saying sorry and then criticizing the person who was harmed for not accepting it is not genuine accountability. It treats the apology as something that should entitle the person who caused the harm to forgiveness and continued access to the relationship, without requiring them to fully acknowledge or address what they did.

A meaningful apology requires specifically acknowledging what you did, taking responsibility for your actions without deflecting to other causes, recognizing the harm those actions caused, and demonstrating an understanding of their consequences. That includes long-term consequences—for example, how repeatedly instilling fear, dread, and humiliation in a child can affect the way that child later responds to harmful or unhealthy situations as an adult. It also requires identifying what should have been done differently and what you will do differently going forward.

Lastly, [dad] has made changing my views about the abuse I experienced as a child and how it affected me a condition of engaging with me. I explicitly offered to discuss our disagreements with a neutral therapist present, but he did not engage with that proposal and instead accused me of cutting off communication. When I clarified that I remained open to communication, he subsequently told me not to communicate with him, including [redacted]

I will not participate in a dynamic in which having a relationship with someone is conditional on changing my understanding of my own childhood experiences or their impact on me. I am stating clearly now that I will not entertain suggestions that I repair my relationship with [dad] while those conditions remain in place. I have already offered an avenue for communication through a neutral therapist, and that offer was not accepted.

To be clear, I am open to nuance but that does not mean that I should have to continually qualify or defend my own experiences in order to be treated with care. I am capable of considering context and perspectives other than my own, but I also deserve space to be understood without my experiences being immediately met with caveats, corrections, or attempts to change my perception of them. 

This is for people who went no contact. Did you tell them you were doing it? Or did you just disappear one day? Was it one person or an entire family side?
I’m not here judging anyone I’m thinking of sending or text or even just changing my phone number. Just wondering what others have done. Thanks

How do I stop letting my parents take up so much space in my brain? Im 29 years old and STILL I'm basing my life on what they have said to me in the past and what I think they'll say to me in the future.

For context, I'm 52 gay f and thankfully in a happy healthy relationship for over 20 years. My mum was lovely, but I lost her 11 years ago to lung cancer. I've always hated my dad, but never felt like I had the right to do anything but accommodate him. After mum died I spent 11 years trying to get him to like me (I wasn't aware I as doing this) then after a horrible situation last year where he spoke to me like I was 10 years old I sought counselling - which led me to the realisation he is a covert, malignant personality and has caused a huge amount of damage. I went low contact with him over a year ago, and after setting a boundary 3 months ago of only communicating with me adult to adult and with respect, he's stopped communicating all together. The longer it goes on, the better I feel. But I'm finding I'm now looking back with horror at situations in my life which I'd previously just absorbed, and taken responsibility for. Does anyone else do this? Here's one of the many for me, where I've spent the last 30 years thinking was somehow my fault.

In my second year of university I was 23, and I realised I was gay, and when I came home I told my mum. The following morning my dad came into the kitchen, seething with pent up rage and said:

Dad: So your mums upstairs upset, and she says you told her you think you're gay

Me: Yes, I did and I am

Dad: Well you might think you're gay but I don't think you are

Me (in shock and starting to panic) well I am Dad

Dad: (getting cold angry now) Well there are some things you should tell people and some things you should keep to yourself and this is something you should keep to yourself

Me: (actually daring to stand up myself) I don't think you should...

He picked me up by my collar and threw me 3 meters across the kitchen into the units.

All I remember is his body pressed against mine, his hands on my collar and me freezing, but saying get off me, get your fucking hands off me. Then nothing.

I don't remember how I left the house, where I went or how I got back to university, and I don't remember much for the next year.

Just typing that out makes my chest burn. I know none of it was my fault, but it still feels like I did something wrong and I don't know why.

hey so i (19f) moved out of my parents house last year for university. i have a younger brother who is 14 and still lives with them, however our treatment has been drastically different our entire lives. i am as low contact as possible but i am still financially reliant on them and they use it to their advantage. because of this, i have to go visit at times ie holidays etc.

i’ve always been the scapegoat of the family, and the emotional abuse, neglect and manipulation was present throughout my life. every single adult and medical professional in my life has told me that i needed to get out of there as quickly as possible. it’s also important to note that i was disowned and kicked out last summer, for no reason other than they suspected that i am gay (unfortunately for me i am.)

my issue is that my 14 year old brother, is also starting to treat me as a scapegoat. he refuses to believe or accept that my parents are ever in the wrong, and he tells my parents things he knows will put me in physical danger, or at least get me in trouble. he sees me as a terrible person for always going against my parents, when in reality i am just trying to have some peace.

is it crazy if i go less contact with him? or do i just give him time

I'm in my late 20s, I haven't talked to my family in over 2 years and I'm also gay. I just moved to the gay neighborhood of my city and I've begun greatly expanding my social life. I have been in therapy my entire adult life and I thought I had worked through my issues but I'm noticing I can't be nearly as outgoing as I'd like because of shame.

I promise this relates to estrangement. I grew up in a shame-based environment. Being weird or different was frowned upon because my family is very much a "you show up, you get talked about" kind of family. And my mom, who has self-image issues that she never sought help for, projected her fears onto me. At family functions, in public, even when I was at school. Like, one time in middle school, I was being bullied, and I ended up crying. I was sent to the counselor's office, where they treated me with more kindness than I had ever experienced. They called my mom, she came in with an empathetic expression and the second we left, she began to berate me because, in her words, "what's everyone going to think of you, now?".

It's that kind of shame. It became all-encompassing and now, as an adult, I have this horrible feeling all the time, always feeling like any way I am perceived is going to be judged harshly by people around me. And the critical voice in my head is always my mother's. And it has been especially pronounced lately. I envy how free my friends are and I'm always encouraging of them because it makes me happy for them to see it. I want to be like them.

Thing is, most estrangement stories I come across, the parents aren't like mine. My parents never said they didn't love me. All my material needs were met. My mom didn't disown me for being gay (she just secretly hoped I was straight). The biggest thing is that because I don't feel emotionally safe with any of my family, I have no desire to reconnect with any of them. Even if they change. Even if my mom completely heals. And because of this, I feel like an asshole.