u/_chaos_xx

Ugh. I just want to have peace and live in my own little bubble with my family. I do not want to be living in a sitcom drama. And I REALLY wish all this was fake because I don’t want to be living it!😀 Sorry in advance for the long post, but I need to rant.

Before anyone says anything, yes, I know my husband needs to set boundaries with his dad and it’s not something I should really be doing. I know that. He knows that. It’s something he struggles with because he feels bad for him. But honestly, call me a bitch or whatever, but I do not feel bad for him anymore… and I’ll go more into that later.

My husband and I have a child—we have a 6 month old baby. My husband and I had set rules regarding our child—no drinking with baby, no smoking with baby, no surprise visits because we have a baby, if you disrespect one of us as parents you don’t have access to our baby, etc. I feel like these are reasonable boundaries, and it goes for BOTH of our families and friends—not just his, not just mine. It goes for everyone. And if it helps for perspective, I’ve cut my own father out of the picture because he’s not a safe person for my son to be around. If either of us find that someone is unsafe for our child, they’re gone. Anyone is game, which I feel like makes us good parents.

Anyways, back to my FIL. For the past year, while I was pregnant, my FIL has reallllllly gone downhill. He’s an alcoholic with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Because of his addiction (and before anyone says anything about me not feeling bad for him because of his addiction, addiction runs in my family, too—my mom and my dad both struggled; my mom is now clean and has been for years and I’m super proud of her—so I really do empathize and understand it. But what I don’t do is pity people who blame the consequences of their actions on everyone else rather than owning up to what they did—THAT is what my FIL and my dad do constantly), my FIL has had numerous DUI’s, had his license revoked, and has been to jail 5 times in the past year. And every single time he gets in trouble, it’s NEVER his fault. “This county has crooked cops.” No, you were driving without a license and were obviously driving drunk and they pulled you over… not the same thing (not to mention, you could hurt or K!LL someone else because of your recklessness!!!). Then he would blame my MIL for all of their problems and why she left him, when she left him because of his drinking and because he cheated on her. “She was naggy, she wouldn’t sleep with me, blah blah.” Yes, because I’m sure she wanted you to touch her while you’re drunk! Moving on… One of his charges was an assault charge where he threatened to 🔪 someone and 🔥 their house down… because they caught him breaking into their truck and called the police on him. He has also had numerous episodes recently, even when medicated. On top of this, he has been a really shitty father to my husband and doesn’t give a damn about his grandkids at alllllll. Because of all this, and because of his unpredictable behavior, I expressed to my husband I do not find him a safe person for our son to be around until he changes. I would also like to make it clear that the whole time all of this was going on, I’ve always been respectful to my FIL and never mentioned what I thought on these issues to him because it wasn’t my business. But now that we have a baby, I have to think about these things more. Thankfully, we live on the west coast, and my FIL lives in the Midwest.

So, a month ago, my husband got a call from my MIL (who has since divorced my FIL because of his actions and numerous cheating attempts, in which he blamed HER for). She told us that my FIL was trying to fly out to our house unannounced and stay with us… while he’s on felony probation. Again, let’s go back to our previous boundary list: no showing up unannounced. So I told my husband that he needs to tell his dad he cannot stay with us and just show up unannounced—I had a lot going on that month and we already had a lot of plans, plus I was super uncomfortable with the idea of him being in our home. I said if he wanted to come visit, he could do it at another time and as long as he stayed in a hotel. I didn’t completely forbid him to come or anything—if he wants to visit my husband, great; I just don’t want him in my house and around my kid, especially when even my HUSBAND was worried about his dad taking one of our cars and driving off without a license… and we KNOW he would, because he tried asking my husband to get a rental car in my husband’s name for HIM to drive. Which is illegal.

My husband reached out to him. Long story short, BOTH my husband and I had to text him to tell him he could not stay with us. He didn’t respond to my husband’s message, so my husband told me I could reach out to him as well and helped me write out another text to him—basically explaining he can’t come out here that month and if he wanted to visit, he has to stay in a hotel because we’re not comfortable with him being around our baby. I even asked numerous people that are close to me if my message sounded rude or going too far and everyone we are close to said I was saying things that needed to be said and it didn’t sound rude. Of course, he didn’t acknowledge my husband’s text, but he responded to mine. He said I was being rude—I responded by saying “I apologize if you think I was rude, but until you show long term change, this is how our family will engage with you and these boundaries will not change until then.” And then, behind our back, he called me a “f\*cking bitch,” which has realllllllly pissed my husband off. He ranted to my SIL that his drinking wasn’t any of my business. Maybe not, but I think it is my business if you try to show up to my house unannounced after we told you no and if you want to be around my son.

My SIL told my FIL she understands where I’m coming from and that it wasn’t just me setting those boundaries; it was my husband as well.

Anyways, we haven’t talked to him since. My husband doesn’t want to talk to him at all, especially after he called me that. So for right now, we’re living in our own world and I’m just gonna roll with the punches.

Curious if anyone else has some crazy in law stories and can somehow relate to our mess.

These are my random thoughts since D-Day. Bear with me.

We’ve been together for 5 years, married almost 4. I’m 6 months postpartum with our first baby. And then… Caught him on Reddit almost 4 weeks ago. I was completely blindsided. We have a healthy marriage. We have a healthy amount of intimacy. We had talked about 🌽 when we were dating and we knew that was not something we wanted in our relationship from day 1. So this…. Shook my world.

We’ve since talked about it numerous times and he allowed me to put blocks on his browser and phone. He said he’s okay with going to therapy. He said he never really stopped watching it. He told me it wasn’t me, or because of me being postpartum, or because we had a lacking in our intimacy. He told me he has a problem and he feels bad for hurting me so badly. I told him I was so hurt because I used to be a PA before we were together. For 7 years. And then I got clean and have been sober since we’ve been together. I wish he would’ve told me that he was struggling because I would’ve been one of the most understanding people to turn to. But he hid it, and I think that’s why I’m so hurt.

And then for the first couple of weeks, I struggled with hysterical bonding. We were being intimate everyday—because I wanted to. I wanted to rebuild whatever form of connection we had. I struggle with trust now. I struggle with looking at myself in the mirror, wondering if I’m not enough for him. I struggle with wanting to look at his phone to see what he’s watching. If he found more ways to watch it, even though he assured me he only watched on Reddit and incognito. I’ve never been this person. I was the type who never checked his phone because I trusted him so much. I thought the women who would get mad at their SO’s for liking a girl’s insta post were crazy. And now I feel like I’m becoming that woman.

He’s a great dad. And before this, besides this, he’s a great husband. If I hadn’t found it 4 weeks ago, I wouldn’t be none the wiser.

So, I started my counseling again.

I think I have to switch counselors because when I told her how betrayed I felt and how he lied to me for years—and in my opinion, in our relationship, it’s considered a form of cheating—she told me that he didn’t lie, he just withheld information. She told me that what he did wasn’t cheating. And that all men see that content somewhere, whether it’s your for you page or 🌽. And told me it wasn’t my problem to deal with—which that, I agree with—it’s his problem. But I feel as though she minimized my feelings of hurt and betrayal. So here I am, seeking some support. I’m not as angry as I was initially. And I believe he’s trying. We’ve went on dates since then, trying to rebuild trust. But… I just need some support from those who have been through this.