r/Nocontactfamily

I have two adult children that are 22 and 21, and a 9 year old.

Neither of the oldest are in school. One works full time and makes decent money. The other works almost full time but isn't making great money because he only wants "fun" jobs.

I have spent years begging them to help around the house and keep their space clean. Nothing ever changes. Neither has any motivation to do anything but what they want, and their rooms are filled with dishes and trash.

The 22 year old is a bit more considerate than the 21 year old who disappears for days at a time.

The mess they leave is to the point that I have to clean up after them or I can't maintain a safe/clean environment for my 9 year old.

I talked to the oldest last night and he took it pretty well. He understands why the decision has been made and I think he'll do okay and figure it out.

I'm anxious about talking to the 21 year old. He tends to have a victim mentality and may very well go no contact for a time. That's not what I want. But, things can't stay the way they are.

My mother always said stuff like “don’t be like me” or “do better” or “learn from my mistakes” when i was a child while also abusing me. Now Im 20 and I cut her off for my peace and so I don’t become comfortable to her abuse as an adult, like I was forced to be as a child. She has not changed and when we took a 3 month break recently and she had not learned a single thing and still proved to be selfish and narcissistic. Am I wrong for cutting her out completely, I spent so long waiting for her be reliable/stable/comforting but it will NEVER happen. And if im not wrong, how can I go about her spreading rumors about me to other family members(real life examples : pregnancy/partner abusing me/very mentally ill) or family members trying to shame me for cutting her off. Like how do I even handle the “but thats your mother!!” conversation because i feel it coming im just not sure from whom it will come from.

My middle daughter and SIL have little contact with me or his parents. When we talk it seems fine but I am always the one who reaches out! For the 3 years my husband/her dad was sick she never called once to check on him. He passed and she’s never called to check on me. My question is how do I handle the relationship? When we’re together it’s good but the long spans of time in between are confusing and painful! I call….she doesn’t call back. I text… she doesn’t text back. My other 2 children I talk to everyday or every other day. If she doesn’t want to have a relationship then just cut the ties! How have others handled inheritance? It feels like manipulation! I also think she Wiccan. Any suggestions would be helpful!

My Mother & Father divorced ~ 10-12years ago. Mother has always been apart of my life & is a great support network.

However my Father & I haven't spoke in ~5years. He fell out with me over my wedding and essentially disappeared. A lot has happened in that time, getting married, having a child, he hasn't been apart of any of it. All of a sudden he decided to show up at my workplace, out of nowhere. Lot of mixed emotions of shock/anger thinking he can just walk back into my life (and my workplace - embarrassing) like nothing has happened.

We arranged to meetup (reluctantly on my part) and 2days before he cancelled. Honestly I was relieved. He has since tried texting to meetup again. Part of the problem is that I didn't want to meet in a bar. His idea of bonding is having lots of pints, playing pool, and watching football. Then once he has 5-6pints his really feelings come out. This is how we used to meetup before the whole falling out.

My stipulation for the first meetup was that it was based solely around lunch & maybe a coffee. I imagine that didn't suit him for the first meetup, so he cancelled, and now he wants to reschedule on his terms for a location, the usual routine as you can guess. Maybe that was ok in my early 20s, but I've grown and moved on from all that since then.

I feel conflicted. I feel like I should meetup almost of out sympathy, and because he is making whatever effort this is to try meet. However I can't possibly think of any reason to have him back in my life, why would I invite any of this stress/drama back? It doesn't add value and only causes problems. I'm happy with my life, and not exactly missing him in anyway. He has his own life with a new woman and that's great, I'm not looking to build a relationship & play happy families anymore, especially with a child of my own. I can't seem to shake whatever guilt this is that I feel hanging over me, simply because he is my father.

Thanks for any advice that you can offer!

I’m not sure what to do. I’ve gone no contact with my mother for over three years now. Her husband was very abusive during my childhood in many ways. She stayed with him and defended him. It occurred to me three years ago that what happened to my siblings and I wasn’t okay. When I went no contact, it also severed contact between my mother and my daughter, who was 5 at the time & now is 8. My daughter loved my mom from a distance since it was mostly only video phone call as my mother lived far away. Should I restart contact? I’m feeling guilty that my daughter doesn’t have contact with her grandma since my mom only doted on her.

I’m 29 and have a 26-year-old sister. I have ADHD; she does not.
My family has very little understanding of mental health, emotions, or children’s emotional needs. Growing up, my mother was highly intolerant of my ADHD symptoms. She couldn’t stand that I moved constantly, lost things, struggled with organization, or spoke too directly. She interpreted these behaviors as defiance and wanted a quiet, obedient daughter.
My sister fit her expectations better, so I was constantly compared to her: she was “better behaved,” “more careful,” and “more organized.” I grew up feeling like the bad child.

My mother is extremely judgmental, rigid, intrusive, and controlling. She criticizes almost everything—careers, clothing, spelling, cooking, holidays—and I became hypervigilant, constantly anticipating her judgment. She ignores boundaries and continues even when I calmly explain that she is crossing one.
She also pushed me very hard academically while treating me as incompetent. Despite my difficulties, I learned to organize myself, completed medical school while living alone, and am now a psychiatry resident—which, considering my family history, is perhaps not a surprising choice.

It took years of therapy to understand these family dynamics and recognize how deeply my mother’s criticism, comparisons, and lack of trust shaped my self-esteem. Even as an independent adult and a doctor, part of me still feels like the incapable child she treated me as.

My father also has ADHD, mostly hyperactive symptoms, and was generally more tolerant of me. He sometimes admitted that my mother was too harsh or controlling, but he never really protected me. His responses were always: “She won’t change,” “She’s my wife,” “You have to accept her as she is,” or “She’s your mother and she loves you.”
About a year ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD. It changed my life because I finally understood that many things I had been criticized and punished for were symptoms, not personal failures.
When I called my mother to share this, hoping she might understand, she avoided any responsibility and blamed my father for supposedly being too demanding during my childhood—something I do not remember. She has never apologized or how unfairly she treated me.

Why I went no-contact
My father was supposed to visit me alone for a weekend. I had not seen my parents for almost two years because they live on another continent, and I was genuinely excited to spend time with him.
My mother then decided, without asking, that she would come too and stay in my home. She immediately tried to take over the entire visit, ignored the plans I had made and my work constraints, and treated me as though I could not organize anything myself.
I reminded her that I needed her to respect my autonomy, especially in my own home. I warned her three times that I would end the call if she continued crossing that boundary. She continued, so I hung up.
I told my father he was still welcome to come alone, but that I could not host my mother under those conditions. He refused, saying she was his wife and he could not leave her alone.
He also said that he was experiencing professional burnout and could no longer manage the conflicts between us. I told him that addressing his burnout was his responsibility and that I accepted his decision to prioritize his wife.
I then stopped speaking to both of them. That was over a year ago.

What happened afterward
Ten months later, they both contacted me for my birthday.
My father sent a long, moving letter. He apologized, said he had reflected on his behavior, and explained that our last conversation had pushed him to change his life. He resigned from the high-responsibility position he had held for years and took a less demanding job. He said he wanted to rebuild our relationship.
My mother sent a two-sentence birthday message as though nothing had happened, then mentioned her latest professional projects. There was no acknowledgment, apology, or accountability.
My father later congratulated me on passing an important exam. I did not respond.

My dilemma
My father misses me, and I miss him. Although he enabled my mother and consistently prioritized his loyalty to her, I still want a relationship with him.
My therapist has diagnosed me with complex PTSD related to childhood emotional abuse and neglect. She is very competent and supportive, but we have reached an impasse: I desperately want a healthy, pain-free relationship with my parents, yet I struggle to abandon the hope that my mother will change.
I am gradually accepting that she may never give me the unconditional love, emotional safety, accountability, or respect I have always wanted from her. I know working through this will take time, and I am not ready to resume contact with her.
However, I am considering reconnecting with my father alone. I would need him to accept that he cannot pressure me to reconcile with her, speak on her behalf, pass messages between us, or share information about my life without my consent.
I’m also engaged. My parents know and like my fiancé, but they do not know about the engagement. Eventually, I would like them to attend our wedding. My fiancé is willing to wait until I feel ready and is not pressuring me.
Would reconnecting with my father while remaining no-contact with my mother be reasonable, or am I setting myself up to be hurt again?
How could I determine whether his apology reflects lasting change?
What boundaries should I establish?
Has anyone successfully maintained a relationship with one parent while remaining no-contact with the other when the parents are still married?

TL;DR: My controlling and highly critical mother treated my ADHD symptoms as personal failures, while my father recognized her behavior but enabled it. After years of therapy, I went no-contact with both of them. My father has since apologized and made major life changes; my mother has taken no accountability. I miss him and want to explore reconnecting with him while remaining no-contact with her, but I do not know whether he can respect that boundary.

My mom briefly lost custody over a misunderstanding that happened because I got myself lost and made my way to the police station, but now my dad has this ego that he's this protector

My mom apologized and we did family therapy together and I'm good with her. She fucked up and fixed it.

I don't know what to do. I'm being infantialized again and I fucking hate it because he acts like me having a basic right like knowing how to drive is a privilege.

I can't get emancipated, my dad would actually kill me if I got my aunt to take custody, and my mom can't do shit because he'll use it in court.

I'm like 100 percent ready to run away and turn off my location

I can't take my dad yelling at me that I'm selfish and me wanting to spend time with my mom is being selfish and disrespectful and me doing that is hurting him intentionally

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I'm 28M, and I've been going back and forth in my head about whether I'm overreacting by completely cutting my family out of my life. I want to explain the whole story because I don't think I can ask this question without giving the context.

I was born in Arizona in 1998. My mom was only 13 years old when she had me, and my biological father was 21. Because of the circumstances surrounding my birth, CPS and the police became involved when I was born. My mom eventually disappeared with me and stopped cooperating with them, and the trail basically went cold.

My mom had also grown up in a very dysfunctional and abusive household. Her own mother abandoned her and struggled with alcoholism, and her father was also an alcoholic and was abusive. So she had a terrible childhood herself.

I'm the oldest of 10 siblings. Growing up, my mom was rarely home. I ended up taking care of my younger siblings. I changed diapers, fed them, watched them, and basically became responsible for them while I was still a child myself.

One of the things that really sticks with me is realizing that I wasn't going to school.

I remember watching my younger siblings wake up every morning, put on their backpacks, and leave the house. I'd see them walking down the street with all the other kids, laughing and talking, and then they'd come home hours later.

Meanwhile, I was just there.

I didn't go to kindergarten. I didn't go to elementary school. I didn't go to middle school or high school. I never had a teacher. I never had a graduation. I never went to prom or a school dance. I didn't have the normal childhood friendships that come from growing up around other kids.

I also didn't have normal medical care. I didn't have regular doctor's appointments, dental appointments, physicals, or vaccinations.

I basically had to teach myself how to read, write, and do basic math. I didn't even have regular access to the internet until I was around 13.

As I got older, I started realizing something else: I didn't have a birth certificate or a Social Security number.

That meant I couldn't get a normal job, open a bank account, get a driver's license, or really do many of the things that other adults could do.

I started asking my mom why she hadn't gotten these things for me. Her explanations changed over the years. One of the explanations was that she was trying to protect me from my biological father because of his involvement with gangs.

But eventually I became an adult and realized that nobody was coming to fix this for me.

So I had to do it myself.

I started working on this around 2017. I had to go through the court system to establish a delayed birth certificate. I had very little formal education, so trying to understand government paperwork, legal processes, and everything else involved was extremely difficult.

Eventually, I found documentation showing that CPS and the police had actually been involved around the time I was born. There were records from when my mom took me to the hospital after I was born, and those records helped establish that my story about my birth was legitimate.

I finally got my delayed birth certificate.

But then I went to the Social Security Administration and was told that a state-issued birth certificate wasn't enough for what they needed. I was told I had to provide extensive documentation proving my identity and citizenship history.

I basically had to prove that I existed.

I was told I needed years and years of documentation, even though the reason I didn't have those records in the first place was because I had been raised without them.

At that point, I honestly started losing hope.

Then COVID happened and everything became even harder. Government offices were shut down or severely limited, and the process basically stalled.

During this period I was also drinking heavily and stopped caring about my future. I eventually reached around 500 pounds. I didn't really believe my life was going anywhere.

Around 2022, when things started opening back up, I found work wherever I could. I eventually met my now-wife. We'd actually been friends for years, but she didn't know the full extent of my situation because I was embarrassed.

I had been taught from a young age to hide everything.

If people asked whether I went to school, I would lie and say yes. If people asked normal questions about my childhood, I'd give whatever answer I had been taught to give.

My wife eventually found out the truth, and instead of judging me, she pushed me to keep fighting.

She told me to contact senators and representatives and basically make as much noise as I could. So I started contacting government officials, including Senator Mark Kelly's office, and continued trying to get someone to help me.

I also started researching my own history and my mom's history to find anything that could help establish who I was.

After years of fighting, in 2024 I finally got the phone call I'd been waiting for.

My Social Security number had been approved.

I remember being incredibly happy. It might sound strange to be that excited about a number, but to me it represented something much bigger. It meant I could finally exist on paper. I could finally start living a normal adult life.

And shortly after that, I left.

I didn't tell my family I was leaving. I packed my things and disappeared.

I've been essentially no-contact with my mom since then.

The thing I struggle with is that my entire family knew I wasn't going to school. They knew I didn't have the paperwork other kids had. They knew I wasn't receiving normal care.

Their explanation is that they were afraid that if they reported what was happening, CPS would take their own children away.

But that's something I have a really hard time accepting.

Because I was one of those children.

I can't understand how so many adults could know what was happening and still decide that staying quiet was the better option.

Another thing that really hurt me was asking my mom for help finding work when I was younger. I couldn't get a normal job because I didn't have the documents required to work legally.

She told me she couldn't help because she was busy with her own life.

At another point, she basically told me that there are plenty of undocumented people working and that I didn't need a Social Security number to work.

That really hurt me because I wasn't asking her to solve my entire life. I was asking for help fixing a problem that existed because of decisions she had made when I was a child.

I understand that she was a child herself when she had me. I understand that she had her own trauma. I understand that she didn't have the tools or maturity that an adult should have had.

But I'm still the person who had to live with the consequences.

I missed out on basically every childhood milestone. I didn't have a normal education. I didn't have normal friendships. I wasn't socialized the way other kids were. I didn't get to experience school, graduation, prom, dances, or any of that.

And even now, at 28, I still struggle socially because I feel like I never learned how to have normal relationships with people.

So my question is:

Am I overreacting by wanting absolutely nothing to do with my mom or the rest of my family?

Am I wrong for feeling like I don't ever want to speak to my mom again?

Part of me feels guilty because I know she was a child herself when all of this started. But another part of me feels like I've spent my entire life dealing with consequences that I never should have had to deal with in the first place.

I don't know if I'm being unfair, holding onto anger that I should let go of, or if it's completely reasonable to decide that I don't want these people in my life anymore.

I'm genuinely asking because I want outside perspectives. If you were in my position, would you consider going no-contact an overreaction?

First post got deleted. Guys I need some help and advice , feeling pretty down about things right now but I (40m) chose to go no contact with my N dad (65 ) maga, preacher. After a terrible blowout on a vacation he paid for and ended up leaving 4 days early. But I still want the relationship with my( 64 ) enabler non n mom. She's great but caters to his becon call and waits on him hand and foot although he can do the shit himself. I won't go into too much detail on my first post about this but im having a hard time. He's good about manipulating people into feeling sorry for him and playing the victim often gaslighting mg mom and all the other wonderful things that comes with being around a condescending, lying, two faced, narcissistic for a whole week.

EDIT. to delete a negative term

I am 38F struggling with my parents. We recently moved back to the city where they live, and being close to them is proving problematic.

My parents are simultaneously uninterested and overbearing. For example, my dad won’t initiate any phone calls, texts, or spending time together with me or my kids and husband and when we do see him he is always saying he has other things to do (fix his truck, do home repairs, etc) so he makes you feel like a bother and like you’re wasting his time. He is always on his phone when we’re at his house, making conversation and connection pretty much impossible.

My mom seems to want connection, but doesn’t seem to know how to do it. She invites us over for visits and does initiate getting together and catching up, but if I ever share something I’m struggling with, my feelings are brushed aside and invalidated. She wants to track me on Find My and gets upset with me when I cancel the tracking.

My parents are retired and don’t ever offer to help me with childcare, so I ask but then feel uncomfortable asking because they make it out to be such a burden, especially with my dad he makes me feel like I’m infringing on his time.

They are uninterested in my personal life when it comes to work, or other things and when I do share about exciting things in my work life, they really don’t give a shit. They acknowledge what I’ve said but can barely look up from their phones or whatever they’re doing to show any interest.

In the past I have moved away to different provinces to get away from them when it gets too painful. I can’t move away for quite a while, how do I live near them without going crazy?

How do I stop wanting approval and interest from them when they put so little effort into our relationship and their relationship with my kids?

This definitely isn’t the most pressing issue any of us has faced, but I’m so sick of shows/movies portraying unhealthy relationships between an abusive parent and their kid as a ‘ha ha’. Like- In the big bang theory Leonard never cuts contact with his parents even though his mom purposefully never showed him any love his whole life so she could write a book on how he turned out. A science experiment. There’s also those family shows where the parents are absolutely evil to their kids and the kids are forced to just live through it and then laugh like it was fine. I just want a show/movie where the main character actually snips the line.

Anyways-

Thank you

I have been through hell with my daughter. she is now 45 and cannot keep job, her alcoholism has affected her health, she has lost custody of children and she texts me constantly telling me what a bad mon I am, and then the next minute she tells me she loves me and doesnt want to worry me. I feel so bad bc I know she has mental issues, but won’t admit it. she sends texts that this is her last text to me, insinuating she will kill herself.. then I don’t hear from her for days, and I just cannot take anymore.

I think I handle it pretty healthy ..I know I can’t change her and I stopped enabling her, and I a way I know these texts are cries for help, but I am at a loss. I have been trying to live my own life, and most days am fine, but then another incident happens and I am in a tizzy. she is pitiful, crying out for love one minute, mean as a snake another minute and to be honest I want out. I want to say call me in 3 years.

what I really want to tell her is no more texting me. that she can call once or twice a week but no more texts, bc she has expectations of how I should respond and she reads into my silence and then says she sorry she bothers me and I will never hear from her again, and sends a “last” picture.

would not texting be a healthy boundary to set? I can do phone calls occasionally.

I am just broken now and needed to vent.

One of many reasons that I am moving is to get away from really awful family, I’m going to send them a letter a few months after I cut contact detailing everything to provide them a sense of closure, but idk how anything else works

I’m not trying to be completely secret from them, but once everything is done I want to be able to protect my peace, I’m moving very far away from them (over 1000 miles) but they’re travelers and it would be easy for them to come to me

They are not physically violent people, but they are masters of manipulation and do not have a concept of individuality, and I want to make sure I have a way to stop them if they decide to try to force themselves back into my life, they have already done a ton to make my life miserable and I do not want to have to continue fighting them even after I’m gone

So what I’m asking is what do I need to do in order to make sure that once I push that block button and send the letter everything is truly said and done and worst case I’ll have to call authorities on them rather than deal with them directly

No contact with mother since 2018. No contact with the rest of the family since around that same time. Never has anybody tried to reach out to me. I receive a text today from my sisters husband who texts that he misses me and wanted to have a phone call. Against my better judgment I tell him I’ll accept a call. When he calls I give him an update that my first grandchild has been born and have about 2 minute of small talk. He tells me that my mother has had a tree fall on her house with some recent storms and that his son has her at his house. He tells me my mother is mentally ill (no kidding) and she is not taking care of herself and smells and all the other not so surprising surprises (hard eye roll). Tells me my sister “has changed” whatever the hell that means and that he knows I have a tough personality so he thinks it would be a good idea if I call my mother to tell her to start bathing herself etc etc. he then asked me how my now 10+year ex husband is doing? I say it sounds like she needs some social services and I will not be giving her any type of personal phone call. He makes a weak attempt at asking why and would calling her make me angry, and then basically lets me go. I’m just flabbergasted and wish like hell I wouldn’t have opened myself up to this today. I’m just looking for opinions and support I suppose.

Hi Reddit! Please delete if this isn’t allowed/off topic. I will start from the beginning. In September of last year I posted on here if I should move in with my boyfriend or not and I did. I moved out of my father and step mom’s house and I finally felt free. My dad has not spoken to me since and he is actually getting married to step mom this September. I will get to the main point the advice I need I guess is how do I feel about this?

From the start I grew up without my mother. The story always changed she left, she hated my dad and I, she didn’t want a kid, she cheated, it was always something different from everyone I asked. What I was told was I was born in Japan came to America my father and I moved and my mom went back to Japan and thats all I knew.

This last winter after moving in with my boyfriend I felt like I was finally ready to find her. So I went on a deep dive and long story short actually found my mother. After my entire life i actually found her and started talking to her on Facebook. One of the first things I asked her is wtf happened?

What she told me was that my father and her came to america (he was on deployment in Japan) and lived with my grandparents. She was suffering through postpartum depression and was completely by herself in America. My dad was working multiple jobs and also cheating on my mother which she would find out through multiply different people years later.

Since she was on a visa (I think) my dad kind of controlled her money, her spending, what she does all of it. She didn’t have a job and had never previously even worked in her life as she was 20 when she had me. My dad kept saying he was going to buy her a plane ticket back to Japan but eventually made her overstay her welcome in America leading her to not be able to come back to America for 3 years. My father eventually bought her a ticket back to Japan and when she got there he cut off all contact. Occasionally calling her and letting me talk to her but that was it.

My mother would see pictures of me and said she didn’t reach out because she didn’t want to ruin my happiness. Later on everyone in my family actually blocked her and she wasn’t able to find me again. So I spent the rest of my life without a mother and with a father who didn’t care much about me.

My question is how am I supposed to feel? What do I do? Do I do anything? I’m begging confused and have been trying to sort out my feeling almost a year later. Do I be mad at my dad? Do I not believe anyone? I don’t know. I’m sorry if this is super long but please help me out.

My parents basically don’t live together anymore because my mom prefers to be in vicinity to me and my sibling as we work in North America. My dad works in a different country and I believe this has partly contributed to the current issues.

My mother and I lived very closely in the last two years and it has been tough. I was also unemployed when i first moved so it was a whole process and she permanently moved in with me even after securing employment though my friends assumed she would eventually return to be with my dad.

She would always bring up that she is here because of ME and threaten to take me back WITH her to Europe if i made her unhappy 😂 i said in that case I would discuss moving out with my friend and she responded saying dad will not be impressed.

Lately though, i think in parallel with her medical complications she is even more irritable and starts yelling at me for anything, as small as wanting to cook on my own without her eyes on me as I told her i want to learn on my own without her interference. She threw me dagger eyes and started yelling that “it is her house too and she will say what she wants and she doesn’t get involved”. Then she ushered me back to my room lunging towards me, not in a manner that a parent would approach their adult child. She ceased talking to me.

Another night, she barged into my night in the middle of the night complaining that i breached the rule to be in my room by 11pm (because i had been cooking and showering so i had been late around 30 mins). I was so hurt by what she did the other day so i told her to “get lost” and leave me alone. Not the way i would talk to a parent on a regular day but she uttered the same word to me the previous day and even said she will find a new daughter.

Since then my dad is minimizing and excusing her behaviour and is demanding me to apologize to her for saying “get lost”. Because she has every right to cuss at me, but I do not as her child.I’m under the impression that he wants me to nurse her feelings and make her feel better because he is never there to deal with her emotional tantrums. I also told him that it is not my fault she is having medical issues or taking medication (because he was trying to guilt me) and that he is throwing her husband role aside and passing on his responsibilities to me. He was not there so he feels bad about the situation BUT wants me to fix it by an apology which i do not feel comfortable delivering.

How do i deal with this guilt or that im being an “ungrateful daughter”.