r/Nocontactfamily

My cousin cut off my whole family, but stayed in contact with me for a long time. My family was extremely toxic to her and I. I was very neglected. she allowed me to stay with her when i was unsafe at home, and she was the closest and best family member i have. last year, she cut me off too. I asked why and she said she doesn’t hate me and it wasn’t anything I did, but it was because she wants to stay away from my family. recently i moved out and i cut off my family finally. My cousin and I used to be so close and had a great bond and i miss her. We are both adults living our own lives now, but i keep thinking about reaching out. i keep thinking about letting her know that i got away. i just want to have my cousin back. i don’t know what the right thing to do is.

I understand that cutting off your parents isn't a decision you just decide on but rather it's a feeling that grows until you have no other choice but to cut them out of your life for your own mental well-being but there is obviously that one moment that finally pushes you towards making that decision so what was that "push" for you?

So I've been NC with my dad (this time around) for almost 4 years after giving him MANY chances to change his ways; unfortunately, the older he got, the more rotten he became and NC was the only way to protect my peace. In February I was told he was on his "deathbed" and had days/weeks left to live - this was also when I was 9 months pregnant so I opted to just focus on my pregnancy and health. Fate has a cruel sense of humor because my daughter ended up being born on his birthday in early March, which has me feeling all sorts of ways, but that's not relevant.

Today I ended up getting a call and text from the social worker at the hospital that my dad's at asking if I'm open to contact with him. Visiting is out of the question since he lives several states away and we still have a very little baby to take care of, but I'm almost inclined to hear him out considering he's in such poor health and this might be one of my only chances for closure.

If I agree to it, should I write out the things I want to say to him and anticipate his responses? In the past DARVO has been his MO so at least I can prepare myself for the most painful responses and maybe be pleasantly surprised if he says something unexpected. Should I write out how I want the call to go before making the decision to help gauge if I'm emotionally able to even do this? Am I crazy for even considering a conversation?

Additional information that might be relevant is my mom is dead and after the big falling out with my dad, I've struggled a lot with SI. I'm an only child with no surviving grandparents and not super close to my aunts, uncles, or cousins so this has felt really isolating. My biggest fear is instantly forgiving and forgetting, leaving myself open to being hurt again. I suppose I also fear that he might sincerely apologize leaving me full of regret for cutting him out of my life so long and being remorseful of time lost.

Any help objectively coming up with a game plan here would be much appreciated.

I’m currently 17 y/o (F), my dad disowned me a couple years ago, cuz of word getting out about him touching me not appropriately,, my step mother disowned me because of me being overdosed and saying rude things to my dad when he was slapping me like 2 years ago,, and my mother as well as my step father are currently disowning me, (for my mother it’s because): I slept with my step dad this past December-January,, it started out this past Christmas Eve, I was laying in bed with him watching movies cuz that was our thing, he would invite me to watch movies together in my mom and his room,, so, Christmas Eve, I was hugging him and watching movies with him, he put his leg btween mine and I felt his ykw on my leg hardcgkcb,, so I turned the opposite way, then he turned towards me and hugged me but I could feel him pressing up on me, so I was uncomfortable and turned back towards him but my leg ended up on top of his, and so he started humping me in my private area,, all while my mom was otp with him, so my mom said she was home, and he got off and told me to greet my mom, so I did, then they went to late Christmas shop, and so I was crying rlly hard and asked my older sister for a hug, she was getting mad cuz I was crying, she basically was being rude til I told her what happened, I had told her crying, and she said I’m over-reacting, and being dramatic,, so I said okay and just shut up,, then when they got home, my step dad apologized, I told him it was okay and that I’m not mad at him, and so then the next day he was off I wanted to let him know that I wasn’t mad, so I had went into the room to watch a movie with him, plus it was the only time he wouldn’t get mad at me or cuss to my mom about how I’m a “dumbass”,, so, I went into the room, and idk what happened but it escalated and at that point I didn’t know what to think, we did stuff anal every time he was off work for 2 months almost,, and I hate it I hate it sm, he was the one to basically take my virginity, I never wanted if to be him, I never expected it to be, he knew me since I was 13 almost 14 I hate that I enjoyed the feeling, and I hate myself for letting it continue and reciprocating,, and so I told my mom crying because I love her so much and I did it regardless,,, I’m so incredibly stupid, I always do things that end up ruining everything and I know it’s no ones fault but my own. He wouldn’t yell at me after the sex, he defended me when everyone in the house was against me, but if we didn’t do things tgthr then he would treat me harshly, maybe that was part of why I reciprocated? I don’t know I really don’t know. My mom is leaving me now cuz my ex friend called cps which leaded to my step dad going to jail, she’s going to divorce him, she cut off my phone service because she doesn’t want me in her life, and wants me to figure it out, I’m using a hotspot rn, I’m finding a place to stay, and hoping I won’t end up losing mylife by myhands in the next couple months, I’ve been staying with my aunt and Grammy for almost half a year now, I just don’t know, I know this is my fault, I’m not looking for pity though, I just wanted to get this out, please give a response you think would fit if you want to, if not that’s okay too, I just rlly don’t think I’m going to end up making it past age 20, it got bad bad before, rock bottom after the divorce of my parents, but I think it may be below that now,,

As titled. 35M married gaysian living in Europe with homophobic family back home in Asia.

I went no contact 3 years ago after my father’s death, and my extended family harassing me to move back to the point of indirectly getting me fired due to the harassment.

I’ve since rebuilt my life and career. I feel really bad for my mother, who cannot take care of herself emotionally (she can afford to hire a live-in caretaker but chooses to guilt trip me instead). But I don’t see myself having a happy life with her in it.

I’m going back to school to do a PhD in data science. I’ve always wanted to earn a PhD but family expectations discouraged me from it (they only cared about money). My mother always called me lazy and an underachiever. So I wanted to show her she was wrong.

What should I do? Should I just temporarily unblock her from my phone and send an SMS? I don’t expect a congratulations or anything. But I’d like some closure since our last conversation ended with me unemployed and distressed.

Im beyond baffled rn and i just need some good ol' reddit advice and input. Trying to make a loooong story short here, so bear with me.

Bit of context: Xmas Eve 2025, my mom bought my dad a sweatshirt with (apparently) his favorite band's logo on it as his present. She showed it to me before she wrapped it, and my heart sank. There was a confederate flag on it.

I am a criminologist. Probably have some kind of hero/justice complex going on, but it makes me passionate and i love what i do. Both parents are extremely aware of this btw.

Anyways, I was of course disgusted and angry when i saw the sweatshirt, so both parents and i got into a huge argument. I didn't go to xmas. I just couldn't do it. My parents blamed me for not going. My mom told me I was "making my grandparents sad" since they wouldn't get to see me. Blamed me for reacting the **appropriate** way to anyone who is proud to rep that flag. Mind you, my family and i are all white. if that wasn't obvious.

So, tensions have been rising since then. No contact unless i had to. But i hadn't blocked anyone after that whole argument. I should have.

With all of that in mind, flash forward to last night. Both parents + my brother and i got into another argument. This argument is **by** **far** the worst argument I've ever had with my parents. Like, by a record breaking landslide. The screenshots are of the DM's i sent to my SIL and explain what happened. I feel like I'm frozen. I don't have the words to explain the betrayal I feel. But I also feel bad for cussing at my parents and speaking down to them, even though they really deserved it 😐. but I digress. Please just tell me I'm not crazy. Or do. Cant feel any worse than I do right now.

So finally after 2/3 years of prettty much pretending to be who I 20F am not I’m finally going no contact with my father next month however Idk how to go about it?
Reason why im waiting till next month is because he ‘shipped’ my sister 16F back for ‘misbehaving’ 3 years ago and then I supported him cuz I believed he’s my father and I should just do whatever he wants and agree with him but 2 years ago I left religion and my eyes started opening up to so many abuse and toxicity I put up with in the name of family and over the years it gotten worse and worse as I realized how much I’ve suppressed. He’s biggest nightmare weirdly enough is his kids leaving the religion or getting a divorce (????)
But anyway he’s finally returning my sister back next month and I’m finally able to cut him off I waited because if I had done so earlier he’d not bring my sister back and she’d be unsafe
Also yes, I’ve moved out since September, he doesn’t do AMTTHING FOR ME so I’m good on that front, and I live in the west. So for the most part I’m safe? But still scared
So now how do I go no contact next month when she gets here?
Should I wait for a couple weeks before going no contact?
Should I come out as non Muslim, Bi, and all the ‘haram’ things I’m doing to make him wanna cut me off himself?
Upset him so he stops talking to me and I just block him? (He does this where he stops talking to us when he’s mad, he’s not spoken to my brother 18M since march)
What are the things I should make sure I have ready, done, or prepared before cutting him off
Idk silently never speaking to him again doesn’t seem like an option idk why? Cuz he’d keep contacting me, and idk how I’d respond to that

\*\*TL;DR;
**I’m a 35-year-old woman, the youngest of four siblings, and I’ve been estranged from my eldest brother for 10 years — with no real explanation.**

Two of my siblings are from my dad’s first marriage (the eldest I’m talking about who’s about 10 plus years older than me, and my sister who’s about 8 years older). The youngest brother (also about 8 years older than me) is from my mum’s first marriage. Despite technically being “half” siblings, I never saw them that way growing up. I absolutely adored them all, especially my eldest brother. I looked up to him completely as a child.

My family isn’t perfect. One of my brothers has struggled with crime, prison, and mental health issues for years, but even with him, there’s still contact and understanding. He’s at arms length and right now I can’t find him to contact him. He’s a hard one to pin down, but when my son was born I still sent him pictures and he was pleased. His son and ex partner are close to my family, and are utterly adored.
My sister and I are closer. There’s love there. She is a busy woman but her and her daughter are wonderful. My children worship them!

But with my eldest brother, everything changed around my wedding 10 years ago.

Back story: my parents met when both their partners were having affairs, and actually had an affair with one another! So my parents met due to “investigating” their own partners!
There has been jealousy from my siblings, as I was spoilt. In truth they too were very spoiled (I hate that word, more like treated really well) by my parents to make up for their lived being turned upside down. Motor bikes, horses, you name it. I have no issues with this, it was lovely. We didn’t have a lot of money growing up and at the time I had a lot less. I made up for it when they all grew up and I was the baby being spoilt. I get it!

So the wedding…

Leading up to it, there were constant excuses and issues from him and his wife — problems with the hotel, the suit fitting, money, work, whether they could stay overnight, etc. Every issue was solved calmly by me or my parents because we knew it was coming. He and his wife always pushed back to try and make drama… we never let it get that far and smiled through it all.
We paid for things where needed and rearranged appointments to make it easier for them.

Then, around 3–4 weeks before the wedding, my brother called me and said he wasn’t coming.

I was devastated and completely confused. He said he’d “fallen out” with our dad and couldn’t be around him. To this day, nobody knows what that argument supposedly even was — including my dad.

I begged him to come. I cried down the phone explaining that this was my wedding, not my father’s, and that I needed my big brother there. I said I was his little sister and I loved him so much. I told him I’d never forgive him if he missed it.

He still refused and hung up on me.

Since then: nothing.

No apology. No explanation. No attempt to fix it.

A month later, he casually turned up at my dad’s house borrowing tools as though nothing had happened.
My mother was livid, she refused him into the house until he apologised to me. He never did.
He goes and talks to my dad in the garage now. My dad is a lovely man, he was really angry but over the years he wants to talk to his son, so I get it.

He blocked me on everything. His wife blocked me too. They eventually split up, but still nothing changed. He moved in with my sister for a while and was still speaking to other family members, including my dad eventually — just not me.
My sister did apparently have a go at him about it, but nothing happened and still no explanation from anyone. My mother is clueless why this happened too.

My children are now 8 and 5, and he has never met them. I haven’t seen his son in a decade either.

That’s the part that breaks me the most. I grew up idolising my big brother, and now I genuinely don’t understand why I was the one completely cut out.

Lately it’s been weighing heavily on me again, and I don’t know what to do.

Do I reach out after 10 years, despite being the one who was hurt? Or do I finally accept that sometimes people choose estrangement without explanation, and closure might never come?

I genuinely have no idea what I did. There is no dark secrets, I was pretty easy going and idolised him!
I do live an hour away so I wasn’t expecting to be besties but zero contact at all?
I do want my apology, I want my explanation. But I worry I’ll open up a very painful can of worms and end up more upset.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of one-sided family cutoff?

So my situation with my parents and to some extent my younger sister has grown increasingly more difficult to maintain because in a simple sense my parents refuse to let me have control over my decisions in my life. They do not approve of my girlfriend that I have been happily dating for almost 3 years now and they have made accusations of things that happened at my 30th birthday last year. Because of the situation and wanting to get facts straight I asked other people who were at that party if they had heard or seen the things that my parents were accusing my gf of and none of them said that any of that happened. When I brought that to my mom and dad they said that I can’t believe them because they’re just being nice to me and don’t have the heart to tell me the truth. Extremely manipulative talk and for about a month I didn’t talk to them. Unfortunately part of me really wanted to fix things and the month of no contact was killing me because I had always felt so close to my family (it was also around Christmas so I was in a forgiving mood) so I tried to find ways to resolve the issues. It went okay for a few months though whenever there was mention of my gf they would just ignore it. But as of about a month ago my gf and I are closing on a house, which pissed off my dad because I didn’t include him on stuff. He had known I was looking and wasn’t happy that I was doing it with my gf (he’s a finance guy and thinks with numbers and not happiness). He was outraged why I wouldn’t consult him and I told him I needed to do this on my own because I knew he would micromanage every part of it and would try to get my gf out of it. For context my gf and I have been living together in a rental for almost 2 years and have had 0 issues. At the mention of me saying I intend to propose to my gf my dad immediately flipped on me and called me pussywhipped. My mom also instigated the argument and said I have been avoiding them because she’s been telling me not to, even though she’s been the one telling me to talk to them and try to find middle ground with them by telling them the truth about how I feel. With all this said, what is the best way to handle this all? Therapy is definitely on the horizon but am I wrong in wanting to cut ties to them? I want to find middle ground because in my heart I still love my parents but this is breaking me down.

It's 2am on my mother's birthday, coming off the back of mothers day. So the mind is busy. For context, have been estranged for 12 years. But mother's day and birthdays... well, y'all get it. (Australian spelling, also not her real name)

Heather,

There is an icy, wind-bitten ache that lives in the part of me that was shaped to hold you close. But a place built for warmth and tenderness cannot survive a climate of hostility without cracking. That ache remains, not because I want you back, but because the architecture of my being was formed in my relationship with you. Our stories will always be entwined, but you and I will not meet again in this lifetime. That truth settles over me like a winter frost on a field that once begged for sun-lit warmth.

There are so many things I wish I could place in your hands. I wish I could bring the morning light to thaw the soil of the field we share. But as I sit here, heart stirring and mind restless, the words I want to say scatter like birds startled from a branch. There is a deep longing in me; a longing for the warmth of what should have been. And yet, I have no desire to seek restoration. Longing without desire. Ache without pursuit. You have given me a life shaped by paradox.

Because of this, I cannot call you mother. That word, when paired with who you were to me, twists something deep inside. So, I call you by your first name, though that too sits uncomfortably, because it reminds me of the gap between what I needed and what I received. What I learned in my relationship with you is simple and devastating: I am not safe in your presence. There is no version of us that leads to grounded goodness. I must choose the path that harms me least. Calling you by your name hurts because it reminds me of what I longed for. Calling you mother hurts because of what you did to me. The wounds of your betrayal nearly destroyed me.

Still, there is so much I wish I could show you. The woman I have become. The truths I’ve learned about the human condition. The pathways toward healing and authenticity. The tools I have gained to meet myself in the dark with compassion instead of fear. The work I do to help others heal the wounds they never deserved. The work I do to help build schools that are safer, more trauma-aware, and more humane. The brilliance and goodness of my own children - their hope, their compassion, their authenticity.

But none of this is safe in your hands.

I wish I could tell you that my children love you and miss you. But they don’t. They remember the things you said in their presence that unsettled them. They remember the ways you spoke to me; sharp, belittling, unprovoked. They remember how I cried more often than I laughed after every interaction with you. They remember the aftermath, even if they didn’t understand the cause.

I wish I could tell you that I love you. That I miss you. That I think of you often. But none of that is true. There are moments - like this one, in the early hours of your 76th birthday - when I wonder about your life. But I do not miss the person you were to me. I am a better, healthier, more grounded human because you are not in my life. It is painful to admit that I do not love you, not in the way a daughter should love her mother. I cannot. There are too many memories of you choosing cruelty over compassion when I was already hurting. Too many moments where you distorted truth to maintain control. Too many times you exploited the most tender and vulnerable parts of me. I can still see the flicker of delight in your eyes when my pain - as a little girl, a young woman, a new mother- made you feel powerful. When I sift through my memories, the moments where you felt like a mother are faint and fleeting, confined to early childhood. Everything after that points to contempt.

I do not love you. I do not hate you, either. I simply feel nothing.

But I do have compassion for you. I know you have lived a long life as a wounded child and a wounded woman. I am deeply saddened by the suffering you endured. I understand more about your childhood than you ever imagined I would.

And I wish you could know that it was my love for you, my desperate hope for us, that built my entire career. I became a therapist to mend our relationship. I specialised in childhood trauma to understand how to support you. I write policies for schools and train staff to better support vulnerable children and families. But along the way, I have learned a difficult truth: I cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. I cannot mend a relationship built only for power and control. I cannot heal in a relationship that refuses to allow me to grow.

The legacy you left me is one of pain. But I am transforming that pain into something useful and generative. Into my PhD on adult-child estrangement. Into my work with schools and families. Into the lives of people who need what I once needed. I am taking the affection I once held for you and sowing it into a field untouched by winter winds. My children, and the people who benefit from my work, will harvest something rich, something nourishing, something good.

I will never send you this letter. But these are the things I wish you could know. Perhaps in another life, we can sit long together in a place where love does not wound and truth does not threaten survival.

I went low contact from my family a few years ago so i could heal. Recently i bumped into them at a function and they honestly seemed to be doing better than ever- its like they banded together after i left and they seem a lot closer.

It was so weird to see. All this self doubt started flooding in- like was i the issue? Were things as bad as i thought if they seem to be totally fine after i left. It was this weird thing feeling like i left total dysfunction and severe emotional trauma and then just seeing them all seeming like really fine. Especially because i was the “scapegoat “ in a lot of ways.

I also felt this pain because it felt like double loss - like leaving was hard enough, and then also seeing that they are this tight group now, and i am on my own. It just felt really weird. I feel like i am reeling. Like my sense of reality got shaken, and trying to remember my truth.

I’m considering cutting off my relationship with my parents while still allowing them to have whatever relationship they want with my children.

My mother is deeply toxic and manipulative, especially financially. She plays the victim constantly, uses people around her, and then paints herself as the injured party when confronted.

Growing up, I thought my parents were great. My mom was heavily involved in my and my sister’s lives, especially with sports, and despite not having much money, we always had what we needed. I later realized almost everything came from my grandparents, not my parents.

Looking back, there were warning signs. After my great-grandfather died, my mother quickly moved my great-grandmother into our home, then shortly after moved us into a much larger house financed largely by my great-grandmother’s money.

The real problems surfaced during college. I believed my parents and grandparents were helping pay for school, and my mother had me sign “overpayment” checks from the university over to her. Years later, I discovered those were actually student loan refund checks tied to loans she had taken out in my name without my knowledge. She pocketed the money while I unknowingly accumulated massive debt.

Around the same time, I learned she had also forged my name on a loan against my car, which was nearly repossessed due to missed payments. When confronted, she accused me and my grandmother of “plotting against her.”

Meanwhile, my parents eventually lost the house they had effectively financed with my great-grandmother’s money. She ended up in public housing and died with almost nothing.

Despite all this, I forgave my mother because I wanted to preserve the family. She promised to repay the loans.

Years later, after I’d built a successful career and family, I found out she had simply kept my student loans deferred as long as possible while missing payments and letting interest explode. My wife and I discovered this while applying for a mortgage and learning my credit score had dropped into the 400s.

That was the first time I truly snapped. Her actions were no longer just hurting me — they were hurting my wife and child too.

We stopped speaking for about a year, during which she spread rumors around town claiming I was angry because she’d helped my sister more financially than me. Eventually, I reconciled again for the sake of family and my kids.

But the pattern never changed.

My parents are low-effort grandparents who only seem interested when attention is directed at them. They constantly criticize how much time we spend with my in-laws, despite the fact that my in-laws consistently show up for our kids while my parents rarely do. Every attempt to include them in trips or family activities becomes exhausting because my mother finds ways to derail plans or manufacture obstacles.

The final straw was Mother’s Day.

We spent over $150 on gifts and dinner for my mother, despite the fact that she skipped my daughters’ soccer games earlier that day for flimsy reasons. During dinner, she passive-aggressively complained about a family trip we’d mentioned but never finalized. The truth is she never wanted to go — she has a long history of sabotaging trips by creating impossible demands and then acting disappointed when plans fall apart.

When I finally told her, “You didn’t want to go,” she shut down and ignored me for the rest of dinner. And once again, she consumed emotional energy that should have gone toward my wife and kids.

I’m exhausted.

This is only scratching the surface, but at this point I genuinely want to sever ties for my own peace. I would never stop my daughters from having a relationship with their grandparents, but honestly, my parents already seem to be drifting away from them anyway.

in short me and my sister grew up with an abusive father and weren’t protected from him by anyone.

im the youngest and my sister turned to abusive, bullying, aggressive and intimisating behaviour towards me probably to make herself feel safer. she also resented me for taking our mum’s attention away, and probably because she received more bruises than I, overall.

that hatred and resentment towards has continued and no matter how hard weve both tried to have a normal relationship, the comments, glares, insinuations, social exclusion and just belittling me at any given opportunity has never stopped and has worn my mental health down so badly.

she now has a daughter, and im expected by the family to be happy and spend time and to want to be an aunty.

our parents “didn’t know” she was abusive towards me, and she is always acting bewildered and confused about why I try to keep a distance from her.

im so fucking angry because my chance of having my own family is passing me by the more and more years go by that I just cannot reclaim my mental well-being. and no one seems to care.

and now I am the bad person because I don’t want to be an aunty to a family who hate me.

don’t know why im posting, it’s helped reading things on here about other peoples experience with sibling abuse. if anyone has any advice or words of encouragement as I am at the point of going 100% no contact with this woman who claims to be my sister.

Location: Dad lived in FL, I live in VA

Hello,

I've had a NC relationship with my dad since 2021. I just found out he has passed away this morning. When his mother passed away in 2021, she left him a little under 500k in an account and he has been living solely on that until literally today. He has had no job since 2017, lived in a hotel since he moved to FL, no job, no insurance policy, literally nothing but what his mom gave him. I have no idea if he even has a FL identification or how much is left of his inheritance. But I am just trying to figure out where to start this whole process of planning on getting his items from his place, funeral home, cremation services, the probate process, etc.

I am working with my brother who I am LC with, its just us since our mom passed away. Neither of us have much money to spend, especially if we have to travel. And I am unsure if my dad's siblings even want anything to do with this. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice to getting me started and what would be the best legal advice to start the probate process of splitting anything (if there's anything to even split). Also, he passed away at the hospital (we are assuming due to a heart attack/heart failure from what the hospital could tell us), went in early in the morning and was pronounced dead a few hours later. Would that mean we have to also deal with any hospital bills?

I can try my best to provide additional information if necessary, I just would really appreciate some guidance on where to start if anyone can help. As you can tell, I am very LC with my family and don't exactly trust them with my best interest either. As heartless as it sounds, my brother and I just want get this process settled as soon and as easily as we can. Any advice is extremely helpful. Thank you.