Should I reconnect with my father while remaining no-contact with my mother?
I’m 29 and have a 26-year-old sister. I have ADHD; she does not.
My family has very little understanding of mental health, emotions, or children’s emotional needs. Growing up, my mother was highly intolerant of my ADHD symptoms. She couldn’t stand that I moved constantly, lost things, struggled with organization, or spoke too directly. She interpreted these behaviors as defiance and wanted a quiet, obedient daughter.
My sister fit her expectations better, so I was constantly compared to her: she was “better behaved,” “more careful,” and “more organized.” I grew up feeling like the bad child.
My mother is extremely judgmental, rigid, intrusive, and controlling. She criticizes almost everything—careers, clothing, spelling, cooking, holidays—and I became hypervigilant, constantly anticipating her judgment. She ignores boundaries and continues even when I calmly explain that she is crossing one.
She also pushed me very hard academically while treating me as incompetent. Despite my difficulties, I learned to organize myself, completed medical school while living alone, and am now a psychiatry resident—which, considering my family history, is perhaps not a surprising choice.
It took years of therapy to understand these family dynamics and recognize how deeply my mother’s criticism, comparisons, and lack of trust shaped my self-esteem. Even as an independent adult and a doctor, part of me still feels like the incapable child she treated me as.
My father also has ADHD, mostly hyperactive symptoms, and was generally more tolerant of me. He sometimes admitted that my mother was too harsh or controlling, but he never really protected me. His responses were always: “She won’t change,” “She’s my wife,” “You have to accept her as she is,” or “She’s your mother and she loves you.”
About a year ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD. It changed my life because I finally understood that many things I had been criticized and punished for were symptoms, not personal failures.
When I called my mother to share this, hoping she might understand, she avoided any responsibility and blamed my father for supposedly being too demanding during my childhood—something I do not remember. She has never apologized or how unfairly she treated me.
Why I went no-contact
My father was supposed to visit me alone for a weekend. I had not seen my parents for almost two years because they live on another continent, and I was genuinely excited to spend time with him.
My mother then decided, without asking, that she would come too and stay in my home. She immediately tried to take over the entire visit, ignored the plans I had made and my work constraints, and treated me as though I could not organize anything myself.
I reminded her that I needed her to respect my autonomy, especially in my own home. I warned her three times that I would end the call if she continued crossing that boundary. She continued, so I hung up.
I told my father he was still welcome to come alone, but that I could not host my mother under those conditions. He refused, saying she was his wife and he could not leave her alone.
He also said that he was experiencing professional burnout and could no longer manage the conflicts between us. I told him that addressing his burnout was his responsibility and that I accepted his decision to prioritize his wife.
I then stopped speaking to both of them. That was over a year ago.
What happened afterward
Ten months later, they both contacted me for my birthday.
My father sent a long, moving letter. He apologized, said he had reflected on his behavior, and explained that our last conversation had pushed him to change his life. He resigned from the high-responsibility position he had held for years and took a less demanding job. He said he wanted to rebuild our relationship.
My mother sent a two-sentence birthday message as though nothing had happened, then mentioned her latest professional projects. There was no acknowledgment, apology, or accountability.
My father later congratulated me on passing an important exam. I did not respond.
My dilemma
My father misses me, and I miss him. Although he enabled my mother and consistently prioritized his loyalty to her, I still want a relationship with him.
My therapist has diagnosed me with complex PTSD related to childhood emotional abuse and neglect. She is very competent and supportive, but we have reached an impasse: I desperately want a healthy, pain-free relationship with my parents, yet I struggle to abandon the hope that my mother will change.
I am gradually accepting that she may never give me the unconditional love, emotional safety, accountability, or respect I have always wanted from her. I know working through this will take time, and I am not ready to resume contact with her.
However, I am considering reconnecting with my father alone. I would need him to accept that he cannot pressure me to reconcile with her, speak on her behalf, pass messages between us, or share information about my life without my consent.
I’m also engaged. My parents know and like my fiancé, but they do not know about the engagement. Eventually, I would like them to attend our wedding. My fiancé is willing to wait until I feel ready and is not pressuring me.
Would reconnecting with my father while remaining no-contact with my mother be reasonable, or am I setting myself up to be hurt again?
How could I determine whether his apology reflects lasting change?
What boundaries should I establish?
Has anyone successfully maintained a relationship with one parent while remaining no-contact with the other when the parents are still married?
TL;DR: My controlling and highly critical mother treated my ADHD symptoms as personal failures, while my father recognized her behavior but enabled it. After years of therapy, I went no-contact with both of them. My father has since apologized and made major life changes; my mother has taken no accountability. I miss him and want to explore reconnecting with him while remaining no-contact with her, but I do not know whether he can respect that boundary.