Realizing I can’t forgive her
So I just want to start off by saying that going no contact has been so much more challenging than I imagined. My mom was there but not THERE if yk what I mean. She’s been a drug addict for as long as I can remember and as her only child, you can imagine what that meant for me does anyone battle with feeling like a child again? I genuinely feel like going no contact made me face younger versions of myself! The teenage version of me has been making her way to the forefront more often and BOY when I tell you she is ANGRY. My mom should be ashamed of herself…I tried so fuckin hard to get her to acknowledge me my entire life. Acknowledge what she did to me, what she robbed me of because drugs were more important than the relationship with her ONLY CHILD, her daughter at that. I was speaking with my therapist and I said,” what if I can’t forgive her? What type of person does that make me?” And my therapist asked me why I was so hell bent on WANTING to forgive someone who treated me like shit my whole life? 😭 my mom was my first bully, she instilled shame and doubt into me and how do I forgive you for that? I thought that the anger would push me far enough but the anger has fizzled out, now all I’m left feeling is confusion and guilt. It hasn’t even been a year yet…I feel like I’m punishing myself grieving this relationship with my mom and what I could’ve been had she loved and nurtured me properly. To the people who have been estranged for years and years, does it get easier?