Hello

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I've been lucky enough to win an upgrade on our Virgin Atlantic back to Heathrow, which gives me 23 kilos of luggage, so I need to get a cheap check-in bag either today or tomorrow. I'm staying in Harlem but in Manhattan/ Greenwich village today. Am I best in a thrift shop, or is there a shop / department store worth checking out? Thanks in advance

Can anyone give me any advice please?

I hope this helps someone who is struggling with a covert narcissistic parent, because I've almost buckled this last year, and I'm strong. I'm 52F. Lost my mum who I loved 11 years ago. Been with my partner for over 20 years, and spent the last 11 years thinking I was depressed because I lost my mum, but over the last year realised that since mum died I lost the family buffer and I've spent 11 years bending myself into shapes to try and get my dad to like me. I'm 52. Let that sink in. I am 52 years old. That's the damage these covert narcissist types can do. I spent the last year trying to get my dad to see me as someone who warranted his respect enough to listen to me about a particular family issue. But in the last 2 weeks all that has changed and I've realised that whatever I do, Ill never get what a normal father would give their daughter, and this is not my fault. It's not about me, this is about him, a man who cannot show humility, or interest, or care, or love.

I don't know what a nice dad is. Mine has spent his life making me feel small, worthless, a nuisance, like my opinions and thoughts are pointless, laughable, and I am nothing but an entity to serve his requirements.

The last year has been a revelation to me, so I'm parking these email exchanges below in case they are helpful to anyone else whose parent was emotionally absent when they were young, and they're still struggling as an adult.

My dad was also violent, and if I ever tried to be assertive he would dominate verbally, then lose his shit physically. I don't know how to be assertive. Yet I know that being assertive is ok. I know that being yourself is ok. Being kind is ok, and that no decent parent should ever do anything in the face of those things - but love and guide you. Not destroy you! So he did some pretty aggressive stuff, but also what I see now is how the absence of what he offers is an equally vile thing, because it's so damaging, whilst also being hard to see. So for anyone else experiencing this same shit. You're not on your own. Keep going. You will get to the other side.

Me to Dad

This isn't about a difference of opinion. It is about me having spent 12 months trying and failing to have an equal, adult discussion with you about the concerns I still have regarding the attorney arrangements for your LPA, and the impact of that. 

I am reluctant to explain again, because I've explained my concerns about the LPA repeatedly, both by email and face to face. I still have the same concerns regarding the situation with xxxxx. yet in your email you tell me I'm happy with the arrangements. 

I am not happy, and more importantly, the most striking part is that you have told me what I think without ever asking me. An agreement is not something one person decides. It happens when people communicate openly, listen to each other's concerns, and work together towards a solution everyone can accept. That is not what happened here.

Like I said above, until you commit to communicating with me as an equal there really is nothing else to say

Dad to me

Hi

I really don't know what you want me to do. All you're doing is complaining yet offering no solution of your own.

I have offered a solution - I apologise for the word 'happy', I merely meant that you accepted the solution offered,though you didn't like it. I don't like it either,but I completely accept it.

If you have an alternative,please put it in writing, otherwise my solution of taking it all to mediation,with sufficient funds to cover any cost,stays.

Me to Dad

Had you asked with kindness, curiosity and respect for my thoughts, I would have happily explained again my solutions for adding a solicitor as an attorney, so there is an immediate fall-back plan if the situation with xxxxx becomes unworkable rather than engaging in mediation which would create a stressful delay at the point the LPA was required, and you providing a clear written record of your wishes, which you committed to do last year but have not done. 

I ask that you consider both these options and let me know your decision within the next month. If you are unwilling to action them, I will need to consider my position as an attorney on your LPAs.

Your email is hostile and dismissive, particularly the suggestion that I am "just complaining" when I have repeatedly explained both my concerns and potential solutions (see emails from August and October last year). All my communications have been respectful, kind and solution focussed. I will no longer reply to any communication that does not treat me with the same level of respect.

Dad to me

I would be perfectly happy to have a solicitor as an attorney,as I 'm sure would xxxxxx.

 At present the situation seems pretty close to that anyway,  that being,as I see it, that if  had died,then everything would go first to the solicitor in the natural course of things.

If you and xxxxx could not then agree to be executors, then funds would be available for the solicitor to carry that out.

If I had been deemed non-compos-mentis then a professional person would have made that decision and if you and Hannah could not agree on subsequent arrangements financial and physical, again the solicitor would have referred that to mediation which I 'm sure would have sorted it out. 

However,in that particular situation,if it's more straightfoward for the solicitor to also be an attorney, and perhaps mediation missed out,that would also be fine.

In all the above, funds would be available to cover any costs.

That's how I understand it to be. But if you want that altered,just say, and I'll check it with the solicitor to make sure it's all OK,and do whatever I am advised.

I hope this helps someone who is struggling with a covert narcissistic parent, because I've almost buckled this last year, and I'm strong. I'm 52F. Lost my mum who I loved 11 years ago. Been with my partner for over 20 years, and spent the last 11 years thinking I was depressed because I lost my mum, but over the last year realised that since mum died I lost the family buffer and I've spent 11 years bending myself into shapes to try and get my dad to like me. I'm 52. Let that sink in. I am 52 years old. That's the damage these covert narcissist types can do. I spent the last year trying to get my dad to see me as someone who warranted his respect enough to listen to me about a particular family issue. But in the last 2 weeks all that has changed and I've realised that whatever I do, Ill never get what a normal father would give their daughter, and this is not my fault. It's not about me, this is about him, a man who cannot show humility, or interest, or care, or love.

I don't know what a nice dad is. Mine has spent his life making me feel small, worthless, a nuisance, like my opinions and thoughts are pointless, laughable, and I am nothing but an entity to serve his requirements.

The last year has been a revelation to me, so I'm parking these email exchanges below in case they are helpful to anyone else whose parent was emotionally absent when they were young, and they're still struggling as an adult.

My dad was also violent, and if I ever tried to be assertive he would dominate verbally, then lose his shit physically. I don't know how to be assertive. Yet I know that being assertive is ok. I know that being yourself is ok. Being kind is ok, and that no decent parent should ever do anything in the face of those things - but love and guide you. Not destroy you! So he did some pretty aggressive stuff, but also what I see now is how the absence of what he offers is an equally vile thing, because it's so damaging, whilst also being hard to see. So for anyone else experiencing this same shit. You're not on your own. Keep going. You will get to the other side.

Me to Dad

This isn't about a difference of opinion. It is about me having spent 12 months trying and failing to have an equal, adult discussion with you about the concerns I still have regarding the attorney arrangements for your LPA, and the impact of that. 

I am reluctant to explain again, because I've explained my concerns about the LPA repeatedly, both by email and face to face. I still have the same concerns regarding the situation with xxxxx. yet in your email you tell me I'm happy with the arrangements. 

I am not happy, and more importantly, the most striking part is that you have told me what I think without ever asking me. An agreement is not something one person decides. It happens when people communicate openly, listen to each other's concerns, and work together towards a solution everyone can accept. That is not what happened here.

Like I said above, until you commit to communicating with me as an equal there really is nothing else to say

Dad to me

Hi

I really don't know what you want me to do. All you're doing is complaining yet offering no solution of your own.

I have offered a solution - I apologise for the word 'happy', I merely meant that you accepted the solution offered,though you didn't like it. I don't like it either,but I completely accept it.

If you have an alternative,please put it in writing, otherwise my solution of taking it all to mediation,with sufficient funds to cover any cost,stays.

Me to Dad

Had you asked with kindness, curiosity and respect for my thoughts, I would have happily explained again my solutions for adding a solicitor as an attorney, so there is an immediate fall-back plan if the situation with xxxxx becomes unworkable rather than engaging in mediation which would create a stressful delay at the point the LPA was required, and you providing a clear written record of your wishes, which you committed to do last year but have not done. 

I ask that you consider both these options and let me know your decision within the next month. If you are unwilling to action them, I will need to consider my position as an attorney on your LPAs.

Your email is hostile and dismissive, particularly the suggestion that I am "just complaining" when I have repeatedly explained both my concerns and potential solutions (see emails from August and October last year). All my communications have been respectful, kind and solution focussed. I will no longer reply to any communication that does not treat me with the same level of respect.

Dad to me

I would be perfectly happy to have a solicitor as an attorney,as I 'm sure would xxxxxx.

 At present the situation seems pretty close to that anyway,  that being,as I see it, that if  had died,then everything would go first to the solicitor in the natural course of things.

If you and xxxxx could not then agree to be executors, then funds would be available for the solicitor to carry that out.

If I had been deemed non-compos-mentis then a professional person would have made that decision and if you and Hannah could not agree on subsequent arrangements financial and physical, again the solicitor would have referred that to mediation which I 'm sure would have sorted it out. 

However,in that particular situation,if it's more straightfoward for the solicitor to also be an attorney, and perhaps mediation missed out,that would also be fine.

In all the above, funds would be available to cover any costs.

That's how I understand it to be. But if you want that altered,just say, and I'll check it with the solicitor to make sure it's all OK,and do whatever I am advised

I hope this helps someone who is struggling with a covert narcissistic parent, because I've almost buckled this last year, and I'm strong. I'm 52F. Lost my mum who I loved 11 years ago. Been with my partner for over 20 years, and spent the last 11 years thinking I was depressed because I lost my mum, but over the last year realised that since mum died I lost the family buffer and I've spent 11 years bending myself into shapes to try and get my dad to like me. I'm 52. Let that sink in. I am 52 years old. That's the damage these covert narcissist types can do. I spent the last year trying to get my dad to see me as someone who warranted his respect enough to listen to me about a particular family issue. But in the last 2 weeks all that has changed and I've realised that whatever I do, Ill never get what a normal father would give their daughter, and this is not my fault. It's not about me, this is about him, a man who cannot show humility, or interest, or care, or love.

I don't know what a nice dad is. Mine has spent his life making me feel small, worthless, a nuisance, like my opinions and thoughts are pointless, laughable, and I am nothing but an entity to serve his requirements.

The last year has been a revelation to me, so I'm parking these email exchanges below in case they are helpful to anyone else whose parent was emotionally absent when they were young, and they're still struggling as an adult.

My dad was also violent, and if I ever tried to be assertive he would dominate verbally, then lose his shit physically. I don't know how to be assertive. Yet I know that being assertive is ok. I know that being yourself is ok. Being kind is ok, and that no decent parent should ever do anything in the face of those things - but love and guide you. Not destroy you! So he did some pretty aggressive stuff, but also what I see now is how the absence of what he offers is an equally vile thing, because it's so damaging, whilst also being hard to see. So for anyone else experiencing this same shit. You're not on your own. Keep going. You will get to the other side.

Me to Dad

This isn't about a difference of opinion. It is about me having spent 12 months trying and failing to have an equal, adult discussion with you about the concerns I still have regarding the attorney arrangements for your LPA, and the impact of that. 

I am reluctant to explain again, because I've explained my concerns about the LPA repeatedly, both by email and face to face. I still have the same concerns regarding the situation with xxxxx. yet in your email you tell me I'm happy with the arrangements. 

I am not happy, and more importantly, the most striking part is that you have told me what I think without ever asking me. An agreement is not something one person decides. It happens when people communicate openly, listen to each other's concerns, and work together towards a solution everyone can accept. That is not what happened here.

Like I said above, until you commit to communicating with me as an equal there really is nothing else to say

Dad to me

Hi

I really don't know what you want me to do. All you're doing is complaining yet offering no solution of your own.

I have offered a solution - I apologise for the word 'happy', I merely meant that you accepted the solution offered,though you didn't like it. I don't like it either,but I completely accept it.

If you have an alternative,please put it in writing, otherwise my solution of taking it all to mediation,with sufficient funds to cover any cost,stays.

Me to Dad

Had you asked with kindness, curiosity and respect for my thoughts, I would have happily explained again my solutions for adding a solicitor as an attorney, so there is an immediate fall-back plan if the situation with xxxxx becomes unworkable rather than engaging in mediation which would create a stressful delay at the point the LPA was required, and you providing a clear written record of your wishes, which you committed to do last year but have not done. 

I ask that you consider both these options and let me know your decision within the next month. If you are unwilling to action them, I will need to consider my position as an attorney on your LPAs.

Your email is hostile and dismissive, particularly the suggestion that I am "just complaining" when I have repeatedly explained both my concerns and potential solutions (see emails from August and October last year). All my communications have been respectful, kind and solution focussed. I will no longer reply to any communication that does not treat me with the same level of respect.

Dad to me

I would be perfectly happy to have a solicitor as an attorney,as I 'm sure would xxxxxx.

 At present the situation seems pretty close to that anyway,  that being,as I see it, that if  had died,then everything would go first to the solicitor in the natural course of things.

If you and xxxxx could not then agree to be executors, then funds would be available for the solicitor to carry that out.

If I had been deemed non-compos-mentis then a professional person would have made that decision and if you and Hannah could not agree on subsequent arrangements financial and physical, again the solicitor would have referred that to mediation which I 'm sure would have sorted it out. 

However,in that particular situation,if it's more straightfoward for the solicitor to also be an attorney, and perhaps mediation missed out,that would also be fine.

In all the above, funds would be available to cover any costs.

That's how I understand it to be. But if you want that altered,just say, and I'll check it with the solicitor to make sure it's all OK,and do whatever I am advised.

Show quoted text.

I'm 52 f. My mum, who I loved, died 11 years ago from lung cancer, and last year I realised the reason I'd been feeling sadder year after year wasn't grief for the loss of my mum, it was having spent the last 11 years trying to get my dad to like me - and then the bigger realisation that he is a covert, possibly malignant narcissist.

Since then Ive realised I have all the textbook fallout from having a narcissistic parent - which is a shock, because I just thought I didn't like my dad, but I was absolutely fine! But I now see hypervigilance, endlessly feeling like I'm in trouble, minimising, excusing, people pleasing, fawning, flop, CPTSD, massive trust issues. Lol! Anyway - I'm figuring things out, which involves a lot of introspection, and one thing I'm really struggling with is self doubt and this endless feeling of being in trouble. It's like now I see it, I can't unsee it - so I'm trying to figure out what caused it. One particular scenario is described below, and even now I think maybe it was my fault, for not hoovering properly.

Does anyone else have any other examples of ground zero for hypervigilance? And if anyone fancies telling me my dad's reaction was inappropriate then feel free, because I think that might help too.

My dad was unpredictable and could be really volatile, cutting and critical. When my sister and I were kids, my parents ran an old peoples home, and when I was 14/15 my mum paid me to do cleaning on Saturday mornings. I remember hoovering the residents lounge, probably with headphones on and not much concentration. I'm not great at cleaning, my head is usually somewhere else, and I remember my dad suddenly appearing and yelling at me for not hoovering properly, then saying 'if you're going to hoover and be paid for it then you do it properly ' then standing physically behind me, pressing his body against mine and grabbing my hand over the hoover handle and aggressively pulling the hoover back and forth, saying 'this is properly!'

Thinking about it, unbeknownst to me, he must have been watching me secretly and waiting for an opportunity to pounce. I think that kind of incident is where the feeling comes from, and there were lots of them like this. I also know if I'd tried to defend myself in any way he would have become more angry, and possibly violent.

I'm wondering the above. I've had some very specific, symbolic dreams and they are all in a particular, otherworldly place, since I figured out that the weight of sadness I've carried since my mum died 11 years ago isn't all grief for losing her, it's grief for the damage done by my covert narcissistic dad. I struggle to explain the damage he's caused in detail, because often on the surface, his behaviour is quite polite. But underneath it's very different. I had a nightmare last night which captured the dynamic perfectly though, and even though I felt awful when I woke up, I have real clarity about the toxic emotional carousel I grew up with. I'm 52f.

I was was in the place I dream from, same place for sure. I was at 'home' but home wasn't familiar as the home I know on earth, but it was familiar and mine in this other world. It was sort of like a canal boat shape, or like a wooden caravan at the side of a road, unconventional, bohemian, cosy, nice and mine. My partner wasn't there at all. It had things like dream catchers and beautiful rugs and throws, and the wooden walls and floor were solid. Mum was poorly, and she was due to visit, but when she visited, and I think she arrived early, she and dad arrived together (this used to happen when we lived in Lincolnshire and I hated it.)

I was cooking a nice meal for us, and I went to look for an ingredient, and when I came back mum and dad were in their pyjamas and were in bed. I said 'oh, you're in bed?' (I think it was my bed!) and dad spoke for both of them and said yes, they were cold so they got in bed. I then said, oh, well I was cooking dinner and I need an ingredient so I'd go down into the town to get it. Mum (who must have been feeling uncomfortable) said she'd drive me, and I said no it's ok, but then I was in the car with her and dad. Mum driving, dad in the passenger seat and me in the back. It was the old burgundy Renault mum used to have when I was at university, and the car I know I got in and drove away in after dad threw me across the kitchen when I came out.

The car was somehow in my house, and that was ok, but then we were on an unpaved road, going down a very step road at the top of a village in a mountainous region and it was pouring with rain. I said we needed to turn around and go the other way to get down to the village, but mum had gone too far forward to turn around. In front of us we're two roads, one that turned tightly to the left (a proper road as such) and another one going straight forwards ahead. We were adjacent to the proper road, and as mum was going to turn down it, a car came up it and turned sharply to the right to get past us, and there was a hidden pothole / sinkhole and the entire car disappeared into it and sunk.

I said be careful turning around there, I didn't even think about the poor people in the car, but instead of turning carefully down the right road, mum took the track ahead. I said no mum, don't go down here, I don't even know if it's a proper road, you need to turn around and go back the other way, but she kept going, and my dad chipped in 'well it wouldn't be here as an option if it wasn't a proper road' we rounded a very steep and sharp corner and the road was terrible, very narrow, on the edge of the cliff side, all gnarled up and uneven and running with rivers of water from the endless rain.

Mum didn't say anything, she just gripped the steering wheel hard and kept cautiously going forward downhill. I was getting more and more anxious, and wanting to step in and help, then the mud track opened up a bit wider so we could see below. And below was terrifying. The track was all slippery mud now, Criss crossed through with deep rivulets of water, and it felt like the car could just slip under its own weight. And below was a massive brown surging deep river, uncrossable, and with no bridge - maybe a ford in dry weather, but suicidal now. And we were now stuck, with reversing the car as the only way of getting back up, which was have been dangerous, and stressful.

I could feel the weight of pressure on mum, having made a mistake because she was trying to stop me being upset, and now she'd got us into this situation, and she was poorly. All I wanted to do was help her, like all id wanted to do in the first place was to look after her, and spend time with her and cook her dinner. I said we can't get through there mum. And dad turned around and said to me, really angry:

Well this is ridiculous, why is there a road leading to a river, it's disgusting, absolutely absurd and disgusting and stupid

I said "well it's not a proper road dad"

He said "well it's stupid and it shouldn't be here"

I said "can you stop yelling, it's not helping

He said "don't you dare speak to me like that (right in my face, the details of all this were in hyper focus)

I stuck I finger in his face and said "don't raise your voice to me I will not put up with you speaking to me like that any more"

At which point mum said the only two words in the entire dream I remember her saying. She was so stressed and just wanted things to be nice, and she said "will you two please stop arguing"

I felt a huge surge of 'hang on, this isn't my fault here" and I woke up, feeling like I said in the beginning. A horrible combination of emotions.

I'm wondering the above. I've had some very specific, symbolic dreams and they are all in a particular, otherworldly place, since I figured out that the weight of sadness I've carried since my mum died 11 years ago isn't all grief for losing her, it's grief for the damage done by my covert narcissistic dad. I struggle to explain the damage he's caused in detail, because often on the surface, his behaviour is quite polite. But underneath it's very different. I had a nightmare last night which captured the dynamic perfectly though, and even though I felt awful when I woke up, I have real clarity about the toxic emotional carousel I grew up with. I'm 52f.

I was was in the place I dream from, same place for sure. I was at 'home' but home wasn't familiar as the home I know on earth, but it was familiar and mine in this other world. It was sort of like a canal boat shape, or like a wooden caravan at the side of a road, unconventional, bohemian, cosy, nice and mine. My partner wasn't there at all. It had things like dream catchers and beautiful rugs and throws, and the wooden walls and floor were solid. Mum was poorly, and she was due to visit, but when she visited, and I think she arrived early, she and dad arrived together (this used to happen when we lived in Lincolnshire and I hated it.)

I was cooking a nice meal for us, and I went to look for an ingredient, and when I came back mum and dad were in their pyjamas and were in bed. I said 'oh, you're in bed?' (I think it was my bed!) and dad spoke for both of them and said yes, they were cold so they got in bed. I then said, oh, well I was cooking dinner and I need an ingredient so I'd go down into the town to get it. Mum (who must have been feeling uncomfortable) said she'd drive me, and I said no it's ok, but then I was in the car with her and dad. Mum driving, dad in the passenger seat and me in the back. It was the old burgundy Renault mum used to have when I was at university, and the car I know I got in and drove away in after dad threw me across the kitchen when I came out.

The car was somehow in my house, and that was ok, but then we were on an unpaved road, going down a very step road at the top of a village in a mountainous region and it was pouring with rain. I said we needed to turn around and go the other way to get down to the village, but mum had gone too far forward to turn around. In front of us we're two roads, one that turned tightly to the left (a proper road as such) and another one going straight forwards ahead. We were adjacent to the proper road, and as mum was going to turn down it, a car came up it and turned sharply to the right to get past us, and there was a hidden pothole / sinkhole and the entire car disappeared into it and sunk.

I said be careful turning around there, I didn't even think about the poor people in the car, but instead of turning carefully down the right road, mum took the track ahead. I said no mum, don't go down here, I don't even know if it's a proper road, you need to turn around and go back the other way, but she kept going, and my dad chipped in 'well it wouldn't be here as an option if it wasn't a proper road' we rounded a very steep and sharp corner and the road was terrible, very narrow, on the edge of the cliff side, all gnarled up and uneven and running with rivers of water from the endless rain. Mum didn't say anything, she just gripped the steering wheel hard and kept cautiously going forward downhill.

I was getting more and more anxious, and wanting to step in and help, then the mud track opened up a bit wider so we could see below. And below was terrifying. The track was all slippery mud now, Criss crossed through with deep rivulets of water, and it felt like the car could just slip under its own weight. And below was a massive brown surging deep river, uncrossable, and with no bridge - maybe a ford in dry weather, but suicidal now. And we were now stuck, with reversing the car as the only way of getting back up, which was have been dangerous, and stressful. I could feel the weight of pressure on mum, having made a mistake because she was trying to stop me being upset, and now she'd got us into this situation, and she was poorly. All I wanted to do was help her, like all id wanted to do in the first place was to look after her, and spend time with her and cook her dinner. I said we can't get through there mum. And dad turned around and said to me, really angry:

Well this is ridiculous, why is there a road leading to a river, it's disgusting, absolutely absurd and disgusting and stupid

I said "well it's not a proper road dad"

He said "well it's stupid and it shouldn't be here"

I said "can you stop yelling, it's not helping

He said "don't you dare speak to me like that (right in my face, the details of all this were in hyper focus)

I stuck I finger in his face and said "don't raise your voice to me I will not put up with you speaking to me like that any more"

At which point mum said the only two words in the entire dream I remember her saying. She was so stressed and just wanted things to be nice, and she said "will you two please stop arguing"

I felt a huge surge of 'hang on, this isn't my fault here" and I woke up, feeling like I said in the beginning. A horrible combination of emotions.

Im 52 f, and I realised last year my dad is a covert (possibly malignant) narcissist. I'm working through things, and keep discovering things which are a shock.

One being that I didn't realise that I've spent most of my life feeling like I'm in trouble and that I've done something wrong, and that (whoever) is cross with me, and now I've realised it, I realise it's been a permanent state for so long that I feel it's normal - even when there's absolutely no reason for feeling like it.

It flares up if I get irritated in any way - like for example yesterday in Morrisons my partner (we've been together over 20 years) went to the loo, and I waited outside for her to come out. Then I went in, and when I came out she was nowhere to be seen, and I was annoyed - she was only in the veg aisle, and was waving at me, but I was irritated and said can't you just wait for me to come out the loo? You could be anywhere!

Then I felt terrible for hours afterwards that she was annoyed with me, and I still feel it today, it's like a heavy nervousness that I can't shake to just be peaceful.

Anyone else experienced anything similar?