r/EstrangedAdultKids

Every time there was school shopping, or a big grocery haul my mom would hand me the receipt and say "look at how much is costs to raise you". She would would emphasize how many hours she would have to work to buy certain items. I think she was trying to teach us the importance of work, but it honestly just made me feel guilty. I remember saying sorry alot of the times, and when I went shopping for clothes I would always feel dread, cause clothes can get expensive...

But she would always pat herself on the back because she knows parents that don't do the bare minimum.

Yes mom that is the reason, I changed from a smart sensible adult to a fool who is now, after 10 years of healthy and steady relationship, being manipulated by their partner to estrange myself from you.

Growing up, anything I would do would make my parents angry. Sometimes, they would just get mad at me, and say "you are doing this on purpose" "you treat us like dogs", while never pointing out WHICH thing i was doing wrong. Sometimes, they would blame me for their own shortcomings "you broke my vape". Sometimes, it was a vague accusation "you dont love us". Or just normal things that would be offending "you woke up earlier today bc youre accusing us to make too much noise in the morning".

The repercussion was very strong every time, they were physically and psychologically abusive.

For completeness, I never was a troublesome child. I was lowkey a child prodigy and i always got great grades (I am a researcher now), I never smoked, never partied or drinked, didnt have a partner, I did my piano, violin and mandarin lessons... But somehow I was always doing everything wrong, and making them lash out at me.

Can anyone relate?

I’m a 27‑year‑old woman with CPTSD, and my family is fully aware of it. I’m about to start grad school for clinical mental health counseling, and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more aware of just how dysfunctional my family dynamic has always been. I’ve been the scapegoat for as long as I can remember. When I was 3, my mom started entering me into singing competitions and never stopped. Performing became the only way she valued me. When I was 15, I messed up one line during an audition for The Voice and didn’t make it past the first round. My mom looked at me and said she had “given up on me.” From that moment on, I don’t think she ever saw me the same unless I was performing.
She’s diabetic and sometimes gets very sick, and my dad and sister bend over backwards to take care of her. Despite that, she constantly calls us “unempathetic.” Her favorite words for me and my dad are “selfish,” “manipulative,” and “unempathetic.” A few nights ago, she was on speakerphone with her sister and said we had all been “unempathetic” while she was sick even though my sister had been doing everything for her and my dad had taken days off work to help. Hearing that word triggered something in me. I broke down crying because it’s been used against me my entire life. It felt like my brain finally hit a breaking point.
I told her I was tired of being called names like that. After I left, she stopped contacting me. My sister also disappeared. When I finally called her, she immediately attacked me, saying she would “never talk to her parents like that” and that she’s “never been like me.” She said she won’t speak to me until I apologize. I told her I’m done apologizing for how they make me feel. This isn’t new whenever my mom is mad at me, my sister follows her lead. It hurts, but I’m starting to accept that distancing myself might be the healthiest choice I can make after years of being the family scapegoat.

EDIT: To add more context my sister also struggles with her own mental health. She’s diagnosed with anorexia and has always been the one who goes above and beyond to keep my parents happy. I’ve always been the more defiant kid, so our roles in the family ended up very different.
I’m assuming part of why she still lives with my parents is because she feels safer staying close to them and keeping the peace. And with her eating disorder, I’ve noticed she tends to use control over food as the one area in her life where she feels she has autonomy. It’s like her way of coping in a family dynamic where she’s constantly trying to meet expectations.

I think it’s no contact permanently now. I’ve always had a tumultuous relationship with my father as an adult due to his abuse, going on and off low/no contact for years. My sister has been no contact with him for a decade now.

My mom refuses to leave, and keeps bringing him back in my life

At a family dinner I got a bit too drunk and confronted him about why he would beat me so much as a kid and he literally called the police on me. Nothing came of it but it’s been a wild week

19F I left my family because I have no emotions towards them, they are strangers to me. My parents were okay for providing me a place to stay during my formative years but there was never a connection or a happiness in my life when I was in the same room as them.

I told everyone at night that I was going to leave and it was going to be my last day and they didn't believe me and I left the next morning acting like I was preparing to go to the library. It has been nearly 2 months.

I fully legally changed my first and last name. Changed my phone number. I know that in my life I will never care for human connection, music is my companion and I cherish that connection more than anything because it makes me feel things that I would not feel.

I know that I will always be emotionless around people, I don't see them as people in my head I see them as a burden as their presence and their awareness of me would cause me discontent.

Regarding the 19 years of my life, I only remember the 2 recent years of my life in fragments everything else is a blur. The small events I do remember somewhat vividly is the traumatic events.

I'm going to university for 5 years, starting in a month's time and I don't know how I'm going to survive but I will adapt as I usually do in harsh environments, dissociation assists in regulating my soulless vessel.

I've been no contact with my mother for quite a few years now. It's been a constant battle to continue to hold this boundary when she pushes past it for her own selfish desires. I used to give in a little bit because it felt easier to just let her have one conversation than have my phone get blown up because she's upset. I've been doing better about blocking and not responding, or stating the boundary and ignoring anything further.

Unfortunately she finds any chance to reach out to me when the main channels of communication have been blocked. She'll find me on Instagram or even LinkedIn to get ahold of me.

It's been especially hard these last few months. I'm getting married in 2 weeks and invited my dad, who I still talk to. He gives in to her desires a lot and occasionally asks me to talk to her. I feel bad because he is her caretaker and puts up with a lot from her. She's bipolar and schizophrenic which makes everything even more difficult. He seems exhausted and has mentioned he probably wouldn't fight it if she tries to divorce him (she's threatened it a few times now), but he won't do it himself. Despite my empathy for him, I know it's not my responsibility to give in just because he's having a hard time.

He's pushed me a little to invite her just so she won't be upset, stating that her meds and her physical condition make it so she won't go regardless. But honestly even that sliver of a chance she's got the energy that day is enough for me to say no. Plus, she's the one that's made this happen, not me. If she wanted to be at my wedding she should have considered my feelings over the years. He also texted me this week saying she was asking if I'd be willing to have a conversation with her, just to tell her my wedding plans because she's so excited for me. I held firm on my boundaries again, and he didn't push it further, but I'm getting so tired of having to repeat myself.

I feel so stupid and I can't get this out of my head.

I always knew I'd go no contact with my parents, but when I got married I became so ... I dont even know the word, just like my heart would fill and I'd remember the good parts and envision an environment of a big family full of love for my future kids. Then I got pregnant and absolutely wanted to make things work so they could have as much love as possible, thinking I could set boundaries and protect them from the bad parts.

I also did not fully understand the extent of their abuse for some reason. Its like my mind minimized a lot of it and made it feel somewhat normal. As if its bad, but happens to everyone. I see now that its actually not normal, and people give shocked faces when they hear stories I tell lighthearted. Its always surprising to see people's reactions to something I shared like its a small event. Anyways...

I now have two sons. When my first son was born, I had the instinct to stay away but my heart told me to keep trying, he deserves a big family. For the first 2.5 years of his life, I would bring him to these people who abused me for years. He formed a relationship with them, grew to love them. Meanwhile, I was always on edge and unhappy, mistreatment kept happening and I would push it down. Then my second son was born, and at 2 months old I said no, this is it, enough is enough.

To be a good mama is to protect them, not expose them to abuse. They will see mama being treated this way and think it is normal. I want them to know they should not accept this kind of treatment. My youngest son actually has my dads name as his middle name... we legally changed it since, but man do I ever feel so fucking stupid.

Ive been no contact for 7 months now. I feel lighter, happier. I am less tense, I sleep without melatonin and I actually sleep through the night. I dont clench my jaw, I dont grind my teeth. Nervous ticks that I used to have are now gone. Its like a fog was lifted and I see how horrible things were. Why did I accept this treatment? Years of my life wasted... and why did I let my oldest son form a bond with these people? I keep crying about it. I dont regret cutting contact, I regret not doing it sooner. My kids knew me as a stressed out sad mama.

And now my oldest son knows and remembers my parents. He is now 3 and asks about them less, maybe he will forget. How long until he forgets them fully, where he can (God forbid) see them in public and not recognize their faces? My youngest wont remember, and my next baby won't meet them at all.

Im so fucking stupid.

I really need some outside perspective because I can’t tell if I’m being dramatic or if I’m right to keep my distance from my dad.
Growing up, I was extremely close with my father. I have an older brother and younger sister, and I was always the favorite. He called me his “princess,” constantly praised me, did almost anything I asked, and openly told us I was his favorite child.
I felt incredibly loved, but also trapped. I felt like I had to be the perfect daughter to stay in this little bubble we had created. My dad also constantly created competition between me and my brother. He praised me while insulting and ignoring my brother’s mental health and drug problems. I recently found out there was physical abuse involved too. My brother hated me because of all of this, although I don’t want to get too much into my relationship with him here.

When I was 17, everything changed.

I met a boyfriend who I genuinely felt loved by. I’ve always had trouble opening up to guys because I’m scared they won’t actually like me for who I am, but with him I felt more loved than ever. He came from a very different socioeconomic background and was very different from the guys I’d dated before.
My dad, who had always been supportive of my relationships, suddenly became extremely against this one.

My brother, who desperately wanted my dad’s approval, joined in and started harassing my boyfriend and his friends. My dad didn’t seem to care.

Then something happened with my brother where I almost lost my life. I really don’t want to go into the details, but even thinking about it makes me sick.
What destroyed me was that my dad didn’t seem to care. He seemed much more interested in protecting my brother. I had always believed my dad loved me more than anything, so realizing that he wouldn’t protect me completely broke me.
I started avoiding home and staying with my boyfriend as much as possible.

One day I went home to get some things, and my dad and brother locked me inside while I was crying and scared. My dad became physically abusive. He hit me harshly, something he had never done before, and cried about how I couldn’t “just leave him” when he loved me so much. He told me I was a child and had a responsibility to stay home and that I didn’t treat him like a father anymore.
Then he choked me so badly that I had a large bruise on my throat.

At the time, it genuinely felt like he was trying to kill me. I don’t know if that’s too strong to say, but that’s how it felt.
My sister is the only reason I was able to get out.
It’s been almost three years now. I have no contact with my family except my sister and occasionally my brother. I still don’t feel safe around my brother in person, but we can sometimes have short phone conversations with a lot of boundaries.
I’ve also had several conversations with my dad over the years and even gone to lunch with him in public. But every time I’m around him, I’m terrified and physically sick.

He keeps telling me I’ll always be his favorite, his “special girl.” He says he regrets what he did every day, that he’s changed, and that he loves me.
And this is where I feel incredibly confused.
Because I still miss him.

I miss being his special girl. I miss how close we were. I miss the dad I thought I had.
At the same time, I can’t understand how someone can love you that much and hurt you like that.
He keeps asking my sister and brother to convince me to talk to him. I recently told my brother to stop mentioning my dad to me, and thankfully he has respected that. My sister asks about him more often because she doesn’t know the full severity of what happened, and I feel guilty for not telling her everything.

Other family members, including my uncle, have reached out too.
I haven’t even blocked my dad’s number, which makes me feel stupid.
I know he’s sad about losing me. I know he says he regrets everything. And sometimes I feel like I’m cruel for not giving him another chance.
I keep wondering if something is wrong with me. Am I being dramatic over one terrible incident? Should I forgive him because he’s my father and says he’s changed?
Or is the fact that I still feel terrified and sick whenever I’m around him enough of a reason to stay away?

I love and miss my dad, but I also don’t feel safe with him. I don’t know how both of those things can be true at the same time. If you were in my position would you give him another chance? How do you let go off a parent that has hurt you when you know the relationship isn’t healthy?

Hi all, I was wondering if anyone has any pearls of wisdom about this kind of situation. I’m estranged from my dad and I’ve been diagnosed with cancer after having major abdominal surgery . He doesn’t know, or at least, I haven’t told him.

The guilt is starting to eat at me and I’m having thoughts about telling him. Even though I don’t have a prognosis yet, I’m worried I’ll die before he does and am not sure if it’s okay that he finds out about everything after I’m gone.

The gory details about the estrangement and the cancer for the curious:

In 2013 I decided that I was sick of his wife SA-ing me and lowered contact with him to brief phone calls only. She’d recently put her hands on me, yet again, and I was absolutely and completely done. He’d never protected his children from his severely mentally unwell child-bride, and she’s been doing this to me since I was 7 or 8. And I’ve been so much happier since lowering contact and not seeing them anymore.

He completely severed contact last year, and I now know that it’s because the information about what his wife did to me has gotten out amongst the extended family. I’d told my siblings about the abuse when they started having kids. Figuring that they could then make informed decisions about what kind of contact she’d have with their kiddos.

I’m relieved that he severed contact completely, tbh. And don’t care that he’s telling everyone with ears that I’m a liar. He’s so pissed at me that he’s apparently blaming me for things that I have absolutely nothing to do with.

However, as previously stated, I’m now sick. And I honestly don’t know if he needs to know at all. My dad in his mid to late seventies and not in the best health. He told me when I was 18 that one day I’ll put him through so much stress, he’ll have a heart attack and die. So that thought is living rent free in my head as I deal with the reality of my own health.

The cancer consists of independent and seperate occurrences of ovarian and endometrial/uterine endometriod adenocarcinoma. Only Stage 1A, but Grade 3. In all honesty, having two independent occurrences aren’t a great sign and is rarely seen. There’s possible cancer on one of my kidneys, too. They don’t know for sure and are monitoring growth. The genetic doctors are testing me for everything they know of.

My mother died of unspecified origin adenocarcinoma that had metastasised. I’m also the youngest child and my dad is very emotional and dramatic. The way he talks about my mother’s cancer, it’s like it was sent to ruin his life or something.

No matter what, he’s going to be hurt and upset that I didn’t tell him about the surgery. It was big enough that even the doctors and nurses remark about how big it was. I’m pretty confident he’ll make the whole thing about himself, though. And because I want people to care, that’d really hurt me. :/

I've been no contact for over half a year now. I live in the same small town as her, its a big surprise I haven't run into her face to face , especially since she is a huge boundary violator. She's finally moving. She dumped what was left of "my stuff" at my grandparents. I got my paperwork, and out of three totes only two things weren't trash.

She doesn't have my new number, ive blocked her on 5+ accounts now, but she knows where I live. Im beyond happy shes leaving, its like having the anxiety I've been holding for years finally removed from my life fully, she won't be able to "bump into me" or see me unless I fully allow it. But im nervous, she still knows where I live and I can see her trying to make a big fuss before leaving. Its progress, but its anxiety inducing. My older brother recently had baby #4 so im hoping that she focuses on that rather than me.

Just a lot of feelings right now.

My Mother & Father divorced ~ 10-12years ago. Mother has always been apart of my life & is a great support network.

However my Father & I haven't spoke in ~5years. He fell out with me over my wedding and essentially disappeared. A lot has happened in that time, getting married, having a child, he hasn't been apart of any of it. All of a sudden he decided to show up at my workplace, out of nowhere. Lot of mixed emotions of shock/anger thinking he can just walk back into my life (and my workplace - embarrassing) like nothing has happened.

We arranged to meetup (reluctantly on my part) and 2days before he cancelled. Honestly I was relieved. He has since tried texting to meetup again. Part of the problem is that I didn't want to meet in a bar. His idea of bonding is having lots of pints, playing pool, and watching football. Then once he has 5-6pints his really feelings come out. This is how we used to meetup before the whole falling out.

My stipulation for the first meetup was that it was based solely around lunch & maybe a coffee. I imagine that didn't suit him for the first meetup, so he cancelled, and now he wants to reschedule on his terms for a location, the usual routine as you can guess. Maybe that was ok in my early 20s, but I've grown and moved on from all that since then.

I feel conflicted. I feel like I should meetup almost of out sympathy, and because he is making whatever effort this is to try meet. However I can't possibly think of any reason to have him back in my life, why would I invite any of this stress/drama back? It doesn't add value and only causes problems. I'm happy with my life, and not exactly missing him in anyway. He has his own life with a new woman and that's great, I'm not looking to build a relationship & play happy families anymore, especially with a child of my own. I can't seem to shake whatever guilt this is that I feel hanging over me, simply because he is my father.

Thanks for any advice that you can offer!

I can’t sleep after this so I need to get this off my chest. I’ve been up 24 hours and I really need to sleep. Yesterday, my brother asked me about why I don’t like our father. I told him the truth. He’s old enough to know but I was still kind about it. I didn’t trash our father but I was honest about our relationship and the final incident that was the nail in the coffin. This morning I got some bad health news, and as I was sharing it with my grandma (who’s usually on my side), she asked me if what I said to my brother was true. I confirmed, and what followed was a long text thread of her trying to argue that what I thought happened didn’t. That “oh your father was distant, but he didn’t do this thing you said he did”. Except HE DID. And she was there when it happened! Now she’s saying she doesn’t remember that (mind you it was 11 years ago), but because she doesn’t remember it, I must be a liar. Oh ya, I’m the liar, not my pathological lying narcissistic dad. Me. I’m so angry. It’s like they want me to pretend he didn’t do this thing to me, and if I don’t pretend then I’m the problem. I’m the liar. I know what happened. I replay it in my mind all the time. It’s the straw that broke the camels back. But of course my family doesn’t remember, or maybe they do but it’s easier to appease my father and make me play nice. Well the axe may forget, but the tree remembers. I remember. I’m not going to be gaslit into disbelieving my own experiences.

I’m 25 and recently estranged from my Mum - already n/c with my Dad (separate households) for a few years. I’m really struggling with the weight of becoming a normal human with no one to advise or comfort me when things are challenging.

I’m n/c for different reasons: my Dad was absent, controlling, and belittled my intelligence. I thought I could prove my worth when I graduated top of my cohort, won a bunch of academic awards, and got a fully funded masters and PhD - he told me my area of study (humanities) is stupid and worthless and it’s meaningless that I won my funding. My Mum views me as competition (I think - she always makes snide jokes about me in the company of others), has no curiosity about me, cuts me off whenever I’m talking about anything other than her and her problems. Generally narcissistic traits, but I have sympathy for the background that she comes from and I try to understand. I’m the only girl of 5 brothers across the two households and that definitely has something to do with it. Both of my parents share the narrative that I’m difficult, uninteresting, cruel, stupid, and lazy.

I know it was the right decision to close this painful chapter. But I’m struggling so much with all the new experiences and demands of being a mid-20s woman - becoming resilient to rejection, holding personal boundaries, saying no, taking rest, being proud of myself, and, most of all now that I’m close to a publication, overcoming crippling imposter syndrome. I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time and my ideas are stupid and worthless and that it’s embarrassing to allow anyone to read my work because they’re going to think I’m so stupid. I feel so incredibly immature and malformed and like I just don’t have the skills or the words to comfort myself and steer through the fear and the grief. It’s so hard watching my peers’ parents be so deeply proud of their children, and so interested in their work and life and experiences. I feel so alone and alienated and I don’t even know how to be a friend to myself. I spend most evenings smoking weed and playing video games and then shaming myself for it and it feels like it’s almost meaningless to have cut my parents off when I am just reflecting all their resentment and criticism back onto myself.

My mental health is low and sometimes I feel like it’s too much to continue. I told my academic supervisors but they’re very clear that their job is my project, and they care about my wellbeing only to the extent that it’s effecting my work. I’m exhausted and scared and I really miss my childhood dog and the trees where I grew up. I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve with this post other than screaming into the void

I’m coming up on the 10 year mark of going no contact and being on my own. I went Nc because my parents were emotionally controlling and abusive, my sister was a daddy’s girl and an honest bitch, the rest of my family wasn’t much better but I cut everyone off because I didn’t want anyone trying to get me to reconcile. In that 10 years I went through so many ups and downs, from losing jobs and being forced to relocate cities, to moving halfway across the country so I could start new, to being diagnosed with epilepsy at 33, and the cherry on top was finding out the person who I thought was my best friend turned out to be a narcissistic asshole that stopped being a friend when I needed real help, after I had my first seizure he kept trying to get me to call my parents, first by guilt tripping me then by getting mad and being a self righteous asshole. But I did it all on my own. I got my epilepsy under control, I found a decent job, I never even considered calling my parents, and the asshole friend is long gone.

My mind still races at 1000 miles an hour trying to forget the reasons I did go Nc, and I still hear their voices in my head, but therapy has really helped and I keep telling myself I did this all without their help, they didn’t do any of it. I am proud of myself for getting to the point that I’m truly starting to feel happy, I truly feel like I’m the only one controlling my life, there’s no one to tell me I can’t or I’m wrong.

It takes time, but everyone here is strong enough to make it on your own without anyone that ever hurt you.

Thank you for reading my rant.

Hi everyone. I recently cut contact with my mother and siblings, but the situation is a little complicated because some of my siblings and I share the same dad.

For context, I’m in a long-term relationship and we have a child together. Her birthday party is coming up at the end of August, and back in June we let everyone know the date so they would have about two months to make arrangements. Most of my family lives 2–3 hours away.

In July, my mother told me that she and my brother were considering traveling across the country for an NFL preseason game. It happened to be the exact same weekend as my daughter’s birthday party. Over the next few weeks, I kept asking whether they had decided because I needed a headcount, but I could never get a definite answer.

About two weeks ago, I finally asked one last time. They confirmed they were going to the game, and my brother then told me the tickets had actually been purchased in May—before I even told them about my daughter’s party.

I was disappointed, but what really hurt was realizing that my daughter had been looking forward to seeing my family. Her birthday is basically the only time they make the drive to come see her. Meanwhile, my SO and I have made that 2–3 hour drive numerous times for birthdays, holidays, gatherings, or whatever else was happening.

The argument that followed made something click for me: I was the person keeping these relationships alive.

My brother told me, word for word, “Whatever happens to you when you leave here doesn’t have anything to do with us because we are here,” and that me moving away was “an inconvenience” for them. We have even helped him financially sometimes, and when I said that we have done that he said that he was just “scamming” us. After everything that has happened over the years, that conversation was essentially my breaking point, and I decided to cut contact.

Now my dad’s girlfriend just called me. They’re throwing my dad a surprise birthday party this Saturday at 5 PM. It’s about a two-hour drive for me and the brother I just cut contact with will be there.
I love my dad and I want to celebrate him. He isn’t the person I’m trying to distance myself from. But I also really don’t want to put myself back into the same environment with my brother this soon after finally deciding that I was done. My grandmother said I should just go for the sake of my dad, but I don’t think I can emotionally do it.

Part of me feels guilty about missing my dad’s surprise party because of someone else, but another part of me feels like immediately showing up to family gatherings as if nothing happened defeats the purpose of the boundary I just set.

Would you go for your dad and simply avoid your sibling, or would you skip the party and celebrate your dad separately?

My dad will be at my daughter’s party so I was thinking of possibly doing a 2 in 1 birthday…

I received this text “Would you be willing to work with me and if so should we do it with assistance?”.

I am tired and I don’t feel like it is my job to tell her how to heal herself so that she has compassion for others.

Even the text takes energy to try to decode to “can we go to family therapy?”

I have already told her that she needs to be more gentle and kind, not only to me but to everyone including herself.

I was parentified my whole life by her and feel like this would be a continuation of me needing to be involved/hold her hand and teach her how to be a compassionate, decent human…a job she failed to do for me (luckily I had some great family members/friends that did teach that)

(before you comment, I am a therapist and know how amazing and helpful therapy can be).