r/EstrangedAdultKids

My (28F) deadbeat dad’s go to for the past 15 years when asked about why he doesn’t have a relationship with his children has been that my mother has brainwashed both of his children against him.

He still says that to this day despite both adult kids having gone no contact with mom for the past 9 years. How can I still be brainwashed by someone I haven’t spoken to in 9 years?

I think anyone with brain cells would be able to see through that bullshit excuse, but maybe I’m overestimating their critical thinking skills. Does anybody else’s estranged parent use this same excuse?

As per yesterday's post- I finally blocked my mother, it was time. I ended up sending her a text about it for the sake of my dignity and her sanity, I did not want to leave her not knowing the exact moment it was over. Everyone who loves and understands me as a person was encouraging of it. A couple friends outright celebrated it. I'm very grateful for having that support system. I'll probably lose my little brother by proxy, which is heartbreaking but expected. He is still enmeshed deeply in the family system.

the worst thing for me is the idea of her waking up, reading that text, and probably freaking out or crying. I feel a lot of pain at the idea of hurting her like this, but I need my life back. I don't want to cause her harm, part of me wishes we never met so this moment didn't have to happen for her. I don't want to hurt anyone. Despite what she's said and done, I don't think she is evil, just so wounded that it was carried on to the kids she raised. I genuinely hope she has a good life, meets a man better than my father, and figures out who she is and what she needs out of life. I can't save her, I tried, I wanted to, but I realized it wasn't possible. Her life is her own.

Some encouraging words would be nice. I got about two hours of sleep last night thinking about this. It's the time of day where no one's awake and I'm sitting in the quiet with a loud head. It's very easy to feel alone in this moment.

Edit: it's later in the morning now and I'm able to keep food down without getting sick every 30 minutes. I seriously appreciate all of the kind words and will reply to everyone I can when I have gotten some more sleep <3

My abusive father has since learned he is not welcome at my wedding, and is pouting around the house, saying things that are obviously him trying to prompt my other family members into getting him to talk about how he feels about it.
My grandpa (an amazing person, whose been there for me more than my own father has) sat him down & said he needs to get over his fears & insecurities that destroyed our relationship, and apparently a lot more that wasn’t shared.
I don’t WANT a relationship with an emotional terrorist who beat me, denied me as his daughter, and tore me down with sexism as a child. So I’m frustrated my grandpa did this.
I only know this happened because my mother called, and asked if she could give my father my phone number, so “he can extend an olive branch.”
My mother asked “what did your father do?” And I lost it. I literally broke down screaming and crying about every time he hit me, until I couldn’t breathe and nearly hung up the phone. I wish I did.
I’m literally less than a month out from my wedding, and every single time I speak to my mother, this is all she’ll talk about! The amount of stress this is putting on me makes me want to check myself into the hospital. I just want to enjoy these last few weeks of planning & prepping my wedding with my fiancé, and it feels like they’re trying to sabotage it….

About a year ago, I suddenly realized that instead of turning all my anger against myself or my husband, or other people, I could direct it towards my mother in my mind. And weirdly, it helped. We have not lived together for a long time. I ran away from home when I was 15. The last two years have been a huge period of rethinking my whole childhood and the reality I grew up in.

At that time, our relationships was already pretty bad. One day I got a strong anger reaction because of something unrelated. But for the first time, I mentally aimed that anger at my mother instead of at myself. And after that, I started doing it more consciously. At first I felt a lot of shame. It was surprisingly hard. My mother is not even physically around me. We only sending a few messages once a week. But still, I felt like I was not allowed to think bad things about her, even privately in my own head, it is honestly crazy how strong these inner barriers can be. But later I also started feeling anger towards my father. I allowed myself to say things in my thoughts that I was always afraid to say. I reminded myself that I had the right to feel angry because nobody could even hear me. I wrote angry letters without sending them. I fighting with the air or pillows lol. Sometimes I said out loud what horrible people they were when I was alone. And I started feeling better. Now I almost never get rage episodes anymore. And I don't fight with pillows anymore lol. Although the dialogue with parents often continues in my head. But before this, I was someone who could go from triggered to explosive anger in seconds. I could start huge fights with my husband and later barely remember what I said.

Something else shocked me too. When I was 14, I had a blog online. Recently I found some parts of it through the Wayback Machine. And there was a post saying: “I HATE MY MOTHER” I completely forgot that feels existed. And somehow it took me 15 years old to finally say those words again. As adults, many of us become full of ideas about how we are “not supposed” to feel hatred or anger towards parents, or any people who hurts us. People say hatred poisons you. That even thinking these thoughts is wrong. But honestly, I think what really poisons people are years of suppressed anger.

Just wanted to say this in case someone else needs to know it... Wishing healing to everyone here! 🫂

I’m 26 and I need to get over it. But my heart is aching more and more everyday

Ever hear this one before?

"Just wait until it happens to you!" "Just wait until your kids stop talking to you!"

Hold on... hold on... hold on...

Does that mean we would finally have the estranged parents community listen to us and treat us with respect? Because they only listen to those who have had their kids leave them...

🤣 I'll see myself out.

So in January my mum and I had a massive argument which led to her kicking me out bc I told her it’s not okay to yell at the workers at the shops when they were packing her bags. It’s taken me a while to realise this but I’ve put up with a lot of physical, verbal and financial abuse from her growing up. Since I left home things have been rocky with my siblings and mum.

My 18 year old brother has a new gf and had her around a lot. My mum blamed her deteriorating relationship with him on the gf and banned her from coming over and my brother going out with her on weekends. He only just turned 18 and he likes to go out sometimes to drink and party with mates on the weekend. Since the ban she was harassing and constantly texting his gf about how rude she is, how everything is her fault, ect. The only reason she didn’t block mum was so she didn’t seem rude; she really loves my brother and wants to maintain a somewhat positive relationship. Anyways, so yesterday my brother asked mum to stop texting this to his gf and it spiralled into a massive argument and she kicked him out. He’s still in highschool and she called the school to tell them he was a drug addict, homeless and not allowed to return home. I came to the school immediately when he texted me all of this. He’s now staying with me, my partner and my partners sister until we figure out what to do as we live nearly 2 hours away from the school on public transport.

I don’t really know what I want out of this post. I’m so angry and don’t know where to vent this all out too. Therapy is a few weeks away but I need to get this out somewhere. I don’t understand the thought process behind all of this, it genuinely baffles me. There’s so much anger for her and it makes me want to break NC to tell her how awful she is even though it won’t go anywhere. I feel so guilty as I’m already living in my partners parents house bc of this all and now my brothers here. The parents are so lovely and said he can stay as long as he needs but I still feel so awful. It’s not their job to look after someone else’s kids, it should’ve been my mums. The school is trying to organise emergency housing for him so he can stay in school and finish year 12 but it could take a while. There’s a part of me that feels extremely selfish. I could step up and get a full time job and get housing for the both of us but I just got accepted into my dream uni and course which starts next month so that won’t be feasible working full time as well. I’ve wanted this course so badly and have only been able to do it since leaving home as I couldn’t living with my mum. I guess it’s just a waiting game now for all the housing referrals to go through with my brother but I feel so stuck and lost. He hasn’t got friends near the schoool who are able to help him but I really want him to be able to finish highschool as I wasn’t able to do that.

i feel like i'm stuck in a cycle but i don't know how to initiate an escape. for the last ~5 years i have been trying to pull my birth-giver out of continuing generational trauma/abuse (including misogynistic, ableist, queer-phobic, etc bigoted learnings) so that she doesn't pass it down to her grandkids (their parents are drug addicts in prison and my parents were the only of our family available to take them into custody). despite years of having met with multiple therapists who have recommended skills to use, and had multiple at-home discussions regarding these issues, there has been dangerously little progress. but she claims otherwise.

so let me put the "progress" into perspective:

last week we did a therapy session where i mostly vented about my sperm donor and why i have stopped talking to him. this covered various issues such as his casual misogyny, weird "i'm the only sane one" superiority/main-character complex, ableism, and textbook abuse such as hitting the grandkids or threatening to abandon them. my therapist made it clear that these behaviors need to stop immediately otherwise the kids will get worse. she even suggested parenting classes, or otherwise giving up the grandkids completely. and at the time my (mom) reciprocated concern, urgency, and overall understanding towards solving the issue at hand.

next day and she immediately reverts back to her regular routine of constant conflict with the kids; yelling, arguing, etc. (think: little connection but lots of correction/criticism.)

then last night i overheard her yelling at the 4 year old for struggling to open a pop-tart, telling him "stop pulling it like a girl".

now imagine that, but over the course of those 5 years: we address issues, she promises change, we learn skills, she reverts the next day, cycle repeats.

i get it. she's old, retired, uneducated, and doesn't retain information very well. unlearning deeply engrained toxic traits does not happen overnight. however, she has been constantly reminded that she has two grandkids under her care who she and her husband have already damaged during their most formative years. they will not get these years back. it's up to her whether or not things improve.

but she does not get it. she keeps comparing herself to me, saying that her pushback against unlearning abuse is no different than my pushback against wanting to live. (such as expressions of apathy and anhedonia)

i don't know how to tell her that i just don't dream of 'work', i don't even dream of the rewards of work like stable income, independence, relationships, or freedom. i do not dream of a future at all because i've planned to never have one since i was 13. and i wish i could quit the duo therapy appointments too, because i've gotten to a point where i don't even care the relationship with my parents improve or not. it means nothing to me. if i give them a chance i'm being too demanding and sensitive about what's abusive. if I don't give them a chance i'm "cruel" and "evil" for not accepting them when they were "clearly trying their best".

Hi all,

I don't personally know anyone who is dealing with these issues, so seeking advice (and maybe reassurance?) here.

I (32f) am currently LC with my parents due to emotional/verbal abuse throughout childhood and strong homophobia in my adult life. After my parents (and only family in this country) decided not to attend my wedding two years ago, I was very close to cutting ties completely. I ultimately postponed because I didn't want a happy time in my life to be tainted by more arguments.

Since then, we have been in a "don't ask don't tell" kind of situation. We talk civilly on the phone every week or two, as long as I don't mention anything about my personal life. This arrangement is extremely surface level, and never leaves me feeling well. I have come to the point where I want to cut off ties completely for good, but it feels odd to do it so out of the blue. There has not been any big arguments or fights, just maintaining status quo.

Is there anything else to consider before officially cutting ties?

Thanks everyone!!

Before a wellness check was a thing.

So...I got a call from my apartment complex and they said a woman who said she was my mother and was "worried" about me because it's been almost a year since she's heard from me.

She requested a wellness check which...I'm not surprised about. I'm more shocked it took her this long for her to try and initiate one.

I immediately let them know to ignore it. Luckily due to protocols/policies, they didn't tell her I was here so that's good.

I'm just like...it's been almost 9 months and somehow the hint still hasn't been taken?

Normally children would love their parents giving a shit about them, but in this case, it's more like...does she give a shit or is it just the same old story of trying to keep the status quo?

I think it's more the latter since I always have to remind myself that...she's not a safe space. My mind knows this, but my body still reacts from memory and it's very taxing.

I'm just so tired...

TW: Mentions of physical & verbal abuse. Mentions of incest. Drug abuse. Alt-right insanity.

This is quite long, sorry if there's grammar or syntax issues.

I was no contact with my mother for defending my nazi father's violent behavior. I haven't spoken to him for about four years now, as he is dead to me. ( He muzzled us with a firearm while pretending to "shoot protesters", went on about how women need to "sew themselves up" or kill themselves instead of get abortions, making threats towards politicians... The list goes on, he gets his own post one day.)

She was generally very unkind to us as children. Physical and verbal abuse, accusing us of things we did not do, assigning sexuality to things that were completely innocent, etc. She was less of a mother and more of a spiteful warden.

One day, when she was alone in their big, brand new house (I used to get occasional updates about them from my grandmother,) She texted me a half-apology about dad and said she didn't want to get involved between him and I because it "wouldn't turn out good for her." Whatever. I accepted it and started talking to her again partially because she'd never apologized before, and because she was withholding important documents that I needed.

We started with lunches, hikes, etc. Small visits that were manageable, even if I felt like something was wrong each time. She finally gave me the documents I needed after asking (for the third time), I could sense that she was anxious and trying to keep me around when she gave them to me. I stayed at her house while my dad was out of town. It went fine, but when I came home I laid in a dark room for the rest of the day. She was very cordial, almost unsettlingly so. My whole life she's barely showed me a lick of affection and is now saying "This piece of art reminds me of something you would do" and "seeing you is my Christmas gift" and things like that. Makes my skin crawl because it feels very forced.

I got used to a cycle of "I see her once a month or so, feel like I'm sick as a dog for a couple days, and then go back to normal."

Enter my half-sister. My dad had a sexual relationship with his cousin, and they had her. She's unfortunately a trainwreck, and was on the run from a deeply unstable guy who was trying to get her addicted to meth. She has three daughters, all with different men, and has regular custody of two of them. My sister moved in with my mother and father- and the meth addict had their address and began stalking their house, trying to get to her and her kids, etc. It's a lot for them, and I genuinely felt bad for my mother- who now had 2 little kids (6 and 11 years old), my doped up sister, and and a meth addict crawling around. My mother was largely responsible for raising my nieces at the time, because my sister was too deadbeat and my dad generally doesn't share the burden in childcare.

So I let my mom stay over for a weekend about once a month. First weekend comes, right off the bat she decides that my house is too dirty and spends a significant amount of time cleaning it (My house is average. It's a house, we live in it. It's not completely spotless, but it's cleaned and organized before we have guests.) I wake up the following morning to her soaking things and going on an angry tirade about how Bill Gates was going to put "something" in everyone's vegetables to not make them rot anymore. Okay. We go on a hike afterwards, and she goes into how "they" ( don't know who) are attacking core family values. I go "hey, me and my husband are a complete family." and she jumps down my throat and goes "DON'T START WITH ME ON THAT!"

Okay.

I try to connect with her a little bit, say my doctor thinks I may be autistic. She flat out goes "I wonder if you have a personality disorder," which to her means "I wonder if you are broken and bad." She is the type to full-chested call someone a narcissist or bipolar because she does not like them. She's very into pop-psychology, dateline, etc. To her, almost everyone is a criminal, a sexual creep, or has a personality disorder. The irony in that is I do think she shows narcissistic tendencies, though I'm not a psychologist and cannot say for sure.

Okay.

First visit over. I lay down in the dark after a regroup with my husband. Next few months she stays one weekend out of the month, I hear what's going on about my sister and how insane things are there with the cops showing up and the meth addict boyfriend breaking into my sister's accounts. What really upsets me though is how she talks about my nieces.

According to her, my 11 year old niece is extremely similar to me. Right down to being interested in the same book series' as I was when I was little. I'd really like to meet her, but every time I bring it up it gets brushed off and she (and my brother) both get dodgy. I drew her a dragon from her favorite book series and sent them home with mom, she gives me one back. It's a game of telephone with a kid I've never met. Part of me really wants to connect with her because I know just how hard it is to be young and have all the adults in your life be terrible.

My mom was sheltering my nieces from a dangerous situation. She was genuinely a step up from the meth addict boyfriend, but the way she treats that 11 year old crosses a line for me. It's the same as how I was treated. My mom does not like children. She did not want children, and she seems to beef with them more than any adult. It's so normal for her to freely talk about kids like they are all evil little manipulators as soon as they stop being cute and easy.

My niece was horribly physically abused by her father and locked in her room for days because he thought he'd broken her bones. Her father is currently on the run from the law, and no one in the family knows where he is. She had a therapist assigned to her by the state, and is clearly messed up from what happened to her.

We were at lunch, my mother very proudly and snarkily said "I know she's manipulating me when she cries about something, I tell her that her tears don't work on me." She'd previously implied that she thinks my niece is faking her trauma, but to hear her say that so plainly floored me. Another time when she came to visit, mom said "One of your nieces said she was sad I was leaving for the weekend. I told her it was to get away from her." Again. Floored, I didn't really know what to say. I tried to ignore it.

Eventually, my sister finds an apartment and gets out. I politely tell mom that she can wait until it's warm again for her to stay a weekend, because it's hard to host company when we're getting snowed in regularly (we live in the mountains.)

The last time I saw her was in April, at my brother's house. We were sitting on the couch, just talking, when she says "You know I used to beat your brother with the wooden spoon." As if it was a funny joke. I looked at her and said "It's crazy to hear you say that out loud. You hit me with it too, it hurt like hell." I take a moment to step out and use the restroom, and I come back to hear her speaking in that quiet tone she picks up when she's saying some awful shit.

She was telling my brother that she thinks my 11 year old niece was lying to the cops about what her father did to her. Even my brother- who tends to take her side- was saying no,there was a police report documenting it and everything. But my mom was convinced my niece was a liar.

I don't know why, but something clicked in me right there. I realized that my mom hadn't changed, and that she was now just bullying someone much smaller who can't stand up for herself. She's been somewhat careful not to do that to me since we started talking again, because I defend myself when she crosses a line. I was willing to forgive her for what she did to me throughout my childhood, but I'm not willing to forgive her for perpetuating it on my niece when she's already been through so much already.

I realized that I just... can't see my mom the same way anymore. I have no warmth for her. I do not like her. She is cruel and vindictive, especially when someone is vulnerable. I must have either run out of usefulness or upset her by calling her out for joking about hitting us, because she's showed little interest in seeing me since. Just a text for my birthday (a relief, actually) and she and my brother went to lunch for mother's day without even inviting me (also a relief.) She thinks she is punishing me with distance, but it's really just making me realize how little I want to see her. I don't want to listen to her spew vile hatred or talk about how much she spites my nieces. I don't want to listen about how "all Jews are bad" or how much she thinks modern women are manipulative gold diggers. I just.. I'm done. It's disrupting my life seeing her again. I'm getting sick to my stomach thinking about another visit.

My husband and friends all can't stand her, and honestly I'm tired of coming to them in pieces about some rotten shit she's said or done. I've already cut my dad off, and she continues to defend him to the ends of the earth. I'm almost thirty now, I want to live my life free of this. I feel like I'm living in the past by continuing to have a relationship with her. After a certain point, I'm just re victimizing myself.

I feel like I've made up my mind, but what I'm struggling with is how and when to go about it. It didn't stick the first time I "just blocked her." Especially because I needed those documents. I don't really know how to open this topic up.

Advice is appreciated. If you read this far, thank you. I appreciate you.

Is it because I went no contact too late and the damage is done?

Or am I unhappy and resentful because now I know I am right that they hated me all these years? I guess I was still hopeful that they would magically change and we would have a fairytale ending.

I want to enjoy my freedom

I decided to go “no contact” with my mom and it turned out I needed to go NC with everyone in my family as my mom told them lies about me and made them choose sides. First the NC-decision was just for a year, to get a break during pregnancy and postpartum. I hoped me and my mom could reconcile when I was out of the critical postpartum phase, but her acting during this time has made me think that NC is the safest decision for my own family in the long run too. By going NC I know that the deep dysfunction in my family won't affect my daughter. My mom triangulates, tells lies, twists the narrative and takes charge in people's lives in ways that can be really hurtful. I would never let her be alone with my daughter or let them have “their own” relationship without me or my husband present, as she could affect my daughter negatively. I used to hope they could have contact in the future under our supervision, but I don’t know anymore. I would feel so much better to just leave all this behind me and live my own life. But I am afraid of how I will affect my daughter, whatever I do.

Has anyone else made this decision before kids or when the kids are too young to remember any contact? If you have kids with grandparents they have never met, and how has that affected your kids and family? Do they ask about your parents and what do you tell them?

I had a dysfunctional childhood and I want to just leave my daughter out of it completely. But how do I do that? It feels like the decision to be NC can be something she will wonder about when she grows up. It would honestly be easier if my mom just wasn't alive anymore, so it did not need to be a conversation at all. I don't want to expose my child to dysfunctional families so close to her own, not even in conversation about how I grew up, etc. I don't even want her to think about that parents can be so bad you need to cut them off when she's just a young child.

My father decided. My father determined that the perceived threat to his son trumped the transpired harm against his daughter. He decided that his daughter’s pursuit of justice against a man who violated her was invalidated by potential harm that could come to his son. My father’s calculus was plain - potential harm became more meaningful than real harm when the subject was his son and the object his daughter. 

My father, when faced with the cruelty of his actions, sought accordance from his daughter’s husband and his eldest son to validate his cruelty. “You know how she is,” “I’m just trying to protect my family.” Utterances of a patriarch calling the elder men to counsel. Because together men can decide that a man’s actions are grounded, rational, and true in the face of a woman’s hysteria.

My father prioritized his ego over his daughter. Preserving his conception of who he is and how others should behave in his presence mattered more to him than preservation of his relationship with his daughter. His inviolable rules of engagement which he never deigned to clarify, he nevertheless treated as law. And the law of my father superseded the laws of any other man, let alone woman.

My father chose his grandson, the beautiful boy who resembles his mother both in look and trait. My father treasures his grandson not privately but boastfully as if to make plainer to the boy’s mother that her personhood would have been accepted had she simply been born with the right parts. The ones that aren’t as susceptible to violence from men.

What my father does not understand is that the physical violation of his daughter’s body was nowhere near as traumatizing and dehumanizing as the consistent and ever present emotional destruction he has wrought in his daughter’s life. It is one thing for a depraved man who does depraved things to do yet another depraved thing to a stranger. But for a father to perpetually undermine his daughter’s entire sense of self worth, to call her back from a life that she had built up for herself only to break her back down. Well that is another hurt altogether. 

I cannot continue to live in the hurt of being my father’s daughter. 

They made me lose everything, and I am estranged from my whole family. Nothing and nobody left from my previous life. I am a loser now. What now?

I just don't understand.

It's been 6 months of nc with my parents and older sister, and I'm more convinced now than when I was told 30 years ago by a brilliant psychiatrist to break contact but couldn't that I will never re-enmesh/re-integrate/reconcile. The hardest part for me (and I've got so many other things going on including addiction and job loss and depression and AuDHD recent diagnosis) is that I moved to the same small town as my parents 5 years ago to get out of a bad situation in the city I was living in. The issue is that it was a lifetime of narc abuse then collapse, repeat, and it's been weaponized. I'm in my 50s and feel like my mother should know (not in a thousand-word essay but in a tight few-line email) that the break is not about punishing her, but about freeing myself. Even writing this, I know it's a bad idea. But it is so hard to feel resolved inside when my family performed as perfectly functioning when we weren't and I'm the bad apple rotting the entire family system.