r/EstrangedAdultKids

A forum member here poses an interesting question in response to a recent media article which was written as if younger adults need to be reminded to try low contact instead of estranging from aging parents. The article in question cited no evidence to support its assumption that people need to be told to consider low contact before becoming fully estranged.

So let's weigh in. You know your own life experience.

• Did you consider low contact before going no contact?
• If you tried low contact, how did that pan out?
• If you didn't try low contact, what were your reasons for going directly to no contact?

Feel free to answer as fully as you want.

Laura Potter of The Guardian has authored an odd and condescending piece about estrangement. No one from a nonprofit which serves the younger adult generation of estranged families weighs in, only one psychotherapist from the younger generation of an estranged family is quoted, and no social media forum was contacted for comment.

The lede presumes readers need to be told estrangement is "not a decision to be taken lightly." That's where she calibrates her reader's mentality.

What follows is a strange Catch-22. The question list begins, "Am I avoiding difficult feelings?" This would seem like a reason to seek therapy--which this forum often encourages--yet Laura Potter doesn't suggest therapy in that section. Later in question 6: "Am I being pressured?" Potter lists therapists among outside pressures to estrange. While the piece admits parents may set the wrong example in terms of emotional regulation and communication skills, it also disparages a principal method of acquiring those skills during adulthood.

Laura Potter, if you read this, you can do better. That narrative about pressure from therapists derives from surveys of estranged parents. Those people weren't in the room for therapeutic sessions. The way to gauge that type of thing is firsthand. When this forum polled our own membership on that question, no one reported a therapist had exerted undue pressure to estrange. The most upvoted response opens:

>"I think the narrative [about pressure from therapists] comes from the 'clueless' parents grasping at straws and looking for anyone to blame except themselves."

No reasonable person estranges from a family of origin lightly. People don't wander into this forum blithely because they saw a TikTok dance or because they had a minor quarrel over dinner. A typical new member seeks out this subreddit after years or sometimes decades of trying everything they can think of to make the relationship work. CPTSD isn't uncommon among our membership. Many report ailments associated with chronic stress or disabilities resulting from medical neglect during their formative years.

In 1923, Harold Lloyd released a silent comedy film titled Safety Last. Laura Potter's decision to put safety last lacks comedic irony. Does she fathom how much of the estrangement community are survivors of abuse and neglect?

Estrangement isn't the flavor of the month. This isn't a trend. According to the American Psychological Association, there is no conclusive evidence whether estrangement rates are rising or falling.

We are a community no one wants to need.

Laura Potter, if you are planning a follow-up on this topic then you are welcome to contact our moderation team through ModMail. Journalists are supposed to seek input from both sides of an issue. Next time, don't publish something so badly out of touch. Don't underestimate your readership's intelligence. Raise the bar.

Also I always find it hard to explain people why our relationship is troubled and I am no contact because people prefer visible wound and scars.

Recently went no contact with my mom and told her not to contact me or any of my friends or family. I just received a phone call from my work saying she tried to call asking for me and telling them she couldn’t get ahold of me and that she was having chest pain. This is what she does all the time. Tries to make everything about herself, fake chaos, etc. What do I do? This is so embarrassing and now I’m going to have to go back to work and explain to everyone what happened. Am I going to have to get a restraining order now? I don’t even know how she got my work number…

Sometimes i remember how mean everyone was to me and i just wonder what i did to deserve that. I was constantly humbled and put down. Always criticized, even for things as little as how I held a spoon and how i laughed. They constantly spoke negatively into my life. I was always told I was unfriendly, mean, angry and overall not a good person and I internalized it and never really thought more of myself. Told I was a witch. At a point I was banned from a room in my house because I was ugly and they didn’t like seeing me in there. When I cried, I was told I was even uglier and I was berated and provoked even more. I genuinely hated being a kid and thought no one loved me. Even my siblings, aunts and uncles were mean to me. I grew up a shell of myself. Lacked confidence and never put much effort into life and didn’t think anything would ever work out in my favor. Now as a 22 year old girl, I find myself constantly enraged. Everything just gets me so mad. I don’t like being depended on and I struggle with patience because no one had the patience for me when I needed it. It feels like it shaped the person I’ve become. I am constantly overthinking and anxious. I have become a lonely adult, just stick to myself and don’t talk much. I could never treat any kid the way I was treated. Just seeing kids cry makes me so sad.

Don't really even want to go too deep into details anonymously, but I feel like I gotta let it out somewhere. Don't even really know what I want out of this post. Guess it's better to get it out of my head without burdening my friends in real life. This is unpleasant and kind of sad. I am sure some of y'all had it worse too, so I don't mean to discount anyone else if I am being a bit dramatic with how bothersome this memory is.

I grew up in what I think was a pretty bad home. I'm 27 now, and doing much better. I no longer talk to either of my parents, and haven't in years, but every once in a while, something from my childhood that I had forgotten comes back up.

I opened up a cabinet in my apartment a few minutes ago, and a cup fell out on the countertop. The noise was just right that it instantly transported me back around 15 years. I don't remember what this was about anymore, I think I forgot to do a chore or something, but my dad was yelling at me. I was zoning out like I usually did in that situation, waiting for him to be done so I could leave. In the middle of his tirade, I got snapped back into the present, because he grabbed a plastic cup from the cupboard and threw it at my head. It was not glass, so it would not have genuinely physically injured me, but it set me off. He'd hit me before, but this felt extra demeaning, and instead of feeling afraid, I felt so, so angry. I picked up the cup and threw it back at his face, and it landed on the counter and made the exact same noise. Then I lunged at him. He shoved me off, and I went at him again. I think I actually wanted to hurt him a bit, but I was 12 and scrawny. My mom yelled at me to quit, so I did. I haven't thought of this in years. I think I had forgotten it.

I think this was the last time he got physical with me, and I don't think I've ever had a physical confrontation with anyone else since either. I'm a pretty peaceful and easygoing person now, but I think that was the last time I felt true unfiltered hatred. I genuinely wanted to hurt him. I still don't like the man, and we don't talk, but I would never let him close enough to matter enough to me to give him this much energy anymore. What a shameful, small man.

It's awful to think about, and I kind of would like to forget it again.

It's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, and while this used to make me regret some big decisions that I had made, I had a realization a few years ago that usually helps me during the holidays.

When I see happy families walking around and having a good time, I allow myself to be sad and also happy for them. What I don't do is let that sadness turn into guilt about stepping back from my family. I'm not sad because I should be with them. I'm sad because I never got that.

I could welcome them all back with open arms, and we'd still never be that happy family walking in the park. We were never that happy family. And we never are going to be.

So instead, I make new memories for myself, with the family and friends that I have now.

So if you're feeling particularly lonely this holiday, I'm not saying you shouldn't be. I'm saying that missing the family you wish you had doesn't mean you were wrong to step back. You deserve good memories too, even if you're still figuring out what those will look like.

Estranged 26F from the mother that had me sent to foster care when I was 11 and decided to refer to it as me “running away” ever since. If only I could ask her and get an honest answer; did I run away, or did the sheriff pick me up from school upon a court order? Curious :)

I really want to share this YouTube channel, I can’t find a post on this sub more recent than a year ago mentioning it, but even then it was just a reference to a specific video.

Marnie from “But She’s Your Mother” is a certified therapist that posts videos about dealing with relationships, reviews of estranged parents’ videos/media, in-depth interviews with estranged children (!!!!!), and so much more. She shares about being an estranged parent herself at one point with her own daughter and how they worked through that. She shares about her own weaknesses and she not only reaches out to estranged adult children but she also opens the door for estranged parents to do some actual legitimate soul-searching. There’s a mix of parents and children in her comments (relatively speaking in terms of estrangement, she is very particular about specifying “adult children of parents” to not infantilise us).

She’s been my #1 resource for the last couple years. I just really wanted to share with y’all. But maybe y’all are ahead of me and I’m preaching to the choir or whatever haha :) if you’re a fan I’d love to talk about her videos omg not to be parasocial but she’s my internet momma fr she’s done so much healing in my brain. I’m so grateful for her channel!

[supprimé]

On Sunday, my family unexpectedly put me in the same room as my estranged mother, then used the 3–4 hour ride home to pressure me about loving and supporting her. I have chosen to keep my distance from my mother for serious reasons, and my family knows that. My boundary is that I decide whether, when, and how I have contact with her. I feel wronged because they disregarded that boundary, left me without an easy way to leave, and then made me feel guilty for protecting myself.
I went to my uncle’s baptism and didn’t drive myself, which meant I had no independent way to leave and would be facing a long drive home with family afterward.
After the baptism, we went to lunch, and my mother unexpectedly showed up. I had been under the impression she wouldn’t be there, and there had even been talk about her not having transportation. Seeing her walk into the house made me wonder how much everyone else knew beforehand.
My aunt immediately noticed how uncomfortable I was and offered to hide me, help me leave, or give me somewhere to go if I needed a break. That meant a lot because it confirmed I wasn’t imagining how upsetting the situation was.
I stayed near the counter, tried not to engage with my mother, and avoided eye contact while she kept looking at me. She gave me an awkward side hug at one point, but otherwise I kept my distance and got through lunch without causing a scene.
The ride home was worse. I was in the car with my grandparents and my brother, and because I hadn’t driven myself, I couldn’t leave or remove myself from the conversation.
For more than 20 minutes, my grandparents talked about how we may not like our family, but we’re supposed to love them and be there for them. They repeatedly brought up losing your mother while you’re young and how I might feel once my mother is gone. Her health also seemed to be part of the pressure because she looked noticeably unwell when I saw her.
They never directly said, “you need to forgive your mother,” but the message was obvious.
My family knows this isn’t a petty argument. There are serious reasons I don’t have a relationship with her. What makes me especially angry is the selective use of “family.”
When my pain makes other people uncomfortable, I’m told the past needs to stay in the past. But when I set boundaries because of that past, I’m told that family is forever, that I need to love and support her, and that I’ll regret it when she’s gone.
By the time we were driving home, I felt trapped. I had already been unexpectedly forced into contact with my mother, and now I was being made to feel guilty for not wanting a relationship with her.
The contrast between my aunt’s reaction and everyone else’s was striking. She saw my mother walk in and asked whether I was okay or needed help getting away. Other family members seemed more focused on convincing me to love and support my mother.
I don’t expect my family to hate her or choose sides. I’m not asking them to understand every decision I’ve made. I just want them to respect that I’m an adult and get to decide who has access to me.
Am I unreasonable for being angry about how Sunday was handled? To me, there’s a huge difference between saying, “I hope someday you two can work things out,” and unexpectedly putting me in the same room with my mother, then spending part of a 3–4 hour car ride reminding me that she’ll die someday and that family is supposed to love each other.

“For some, estrangement is their first chance at adolescent rebellion,” Coleman says. It's one of the statements that don't sound right. Not to mention the comments at the end. What does this say about the WSJ readers?

My mother texted me what's in my post title a couple weeks ago and I am still messed up about it. I spent my entire childhood and adult life until 9 years ago desperately trying to be someone that she could love. For as long as I can remember, she has told me that she wishes I hadn't survived my birth, that she only ever wanted my twin brother, that I can't do anything right, that I am inherently unlovable, that she and everyone else are happier when I am not around. I won't get into the abuse and neglect since I think those are implicit in what I've said already and don't have any interest in surfacing that trauma for myself or anyone who might read this.

I finally surrendered and told her after the umpteenth time she made this sentiment clear that I loved her enough to remove myself from her life. That I wanted her to be happy, even though it would mean effectively losing my entire family. It was so hard. But eventually, I realised that I had internalised the definition she imposed on me and didn't even allow myself to fathom that I could be a good person let alone intelligent, capable, or successful.

In that time, my career has fluorished, my relationship with my partner strengthened, and I now refuse to accept abuse or being disrespected by other people. I'm actually happy. Content. And most of the time, I forget I even had a mother, brother, or extended family. It's not like anybody ever reached out in that time, so it wasn't difficult to forget them.

So what the hell changed, mother? Why now do you miss my love? You rejected it my entire life. You used words, violence, physical denigration, religion, money, and family to make it clear that you hated the very breath in my body. All I ever DID was love you. I just wanted you to love me back, be proud of me, accept me, or, barring any of that, even just look at me without searing revulsion.

I just wanted a mom and did everything I could to make you want to be mine. I separated myself because you told me you couldn't be happy with me in your life.Doing that fucked me up for a long time because if my own mother can't love me, who can? I love my children with every fibre of my being and would die for them without hesitation. That's natural. It's normal. So what is it about me that is so repulsive that it defies the natural order? It took me years to overcome it and correct my own self perception and accept that I am not the monster in this situation. She defies nature, not me.

I'm disappointed that six words from her can still unsettled me to this extent. It's bringing up things I thought I had resolved in myself and I am furious with myself for giving her mind share.

I disowned my father the day I turned 18 years old, as my parents were divorced and I was stuck in a legal custody arrangement until then.

I’m 30 years old now, and we’ve had zero contact since.

My mom reached out to me - because he reached out to her - to tell her he had been diagnosed with late-stage 4 multiple organ cancers and wanted to reconnect with me while he still has time.

I waited a month. I thought about this for a month, and ultimately decided that no matter how bad of a father he was, if his dying wish is to reconnect with me, I don’t have it in me to deny him of that. Call it my character flaw, I guess.

I texted him two days ago. A large part of our previous relationship was him just disrespecting me and those around me involved in my life choices. So, I went with a strategy to keep it distant. We exchanged 4 total texts and conversation stalled, so I said a kinder version of: “What do you hope to get from this?”

He said he wanted to get to know me.

I asked how.

He said he wants to know what I like to do, what my husband and I do for work, etc.

I said, “Respectfully, there is a history of you not taking well to my decisions regarding my personal life. I will tell you I live in (state), have been here for (x) years, and I am happy.”

His response?

“Good! I’m glad you’re happy!!!!”

And it hurts.

I knew I couldn’t go in expecting apologies or anything, but to not even acknowledge the mild expression of your child saying hey, you hurt me? It just sucks. I feel like I gave him the perfect chance to say something - say anything, like it doesn’t even have to be an apology. Just acknowledge it. Something.

I think I’m going to leave him on read, because I don’t know where to go from here and I think I regret reaching out.

EDIT: “YoU dIdN’t TaKe ThE tImE tO tHiNk ThIs ThRoUgH”

He has 3 months to live. I spent one of those months pondering how to proceed.

There is a middle ground in reconnection. The plan was to introduce small talk and see if we could rebuild a foundation, and if we could, I was going to tentatively open up. But we can’t. (And mind you, I’m married to my high school sweetheart so my father knew him, and previously threatened to physically harm him - so NO, I’m not ready to share anything about him, with him, right out of the gate.)

As soon as I found out, I started going to therapy with someone who specializes in difficult family dynamics and estrangements. This whole thing was carefully thought about and planned, and heavily discussed. It was just fast-tracked because it had to be.

I think I also harbor a lot of disappointment from this, as well. I put so much work in on my end to give this the best chance it could. And it seems to have ended in 11 total shared texts.

if something happened to you on the outside, they’d either laugh it off and blame you or get angry and blame you. if something happened in the home between my siblings and I, my siblings were coddled while I was threatened to be slapped, screamed at, or physically abused if I continued to stick up for myself. on a few occasions my parent had tried to choke me

That's it really.

I just left a group chat with my cousins, that I set up around the time our aunt was dying a couple of years ago.

One of my abusers was part of the group. Seeing comments from him was just too distressing for me.

I'm so sad that only 2 of my cousins have made any effort to understand why I have greatly reduced contact with my abusers and enablers, and the others just... don't care?

Sigh.

I know I'm doing the right thing to protect myself, and I'm getting to the stage where I realise that they are not worth wasting my precious energy on. This excites me because it feels like a shift in the right direction. I've done a lot of grieving. But for now, it is unfair and it still hurts.

I am exhausted. I never had a good relationship with my father. It was all on the surface. He always loved his other family over me. He also was abusive to my mom when I was young during their divorce. He tried to run her over with his car with me in the car. Also verbally said he would shoot her in head. We also aren't sure if he tried to poison her.

I stopped talking to my dad after my mom passed. He was no support and actually was making my grief worse. By advice from my friends and therapist, I stopped al communication. After a year, I texted him angrily. Why he always picked his wife and their family over me. Why I always thought he hated a part of me since I was like my mom, and he hated my mom. Then his wife messaged me 3 days later to tell me my dad would never get the message since he passed 3 weeks ago.

I AM JUST SO ANGRY. Angry now since I feel he really didn't love me. He also left me nothing. None of my grandparents' items. I know I need to make peace of some sort. But his wife is also a point of anger for me. She was abusive and just an evil, vile human being.

I am seeing a therapist tomorrow and Friday, then scheduling for future. But I have never been so angry in my life. I am asking for God to help. 

I’ve always self punished and have a history of harming myself, but it was at its worst when my parents were too busy to punish me. I had an equilibrium of knowing they were always disappointed, worried, and unhappy with me, though. I was always in trouble to some capacity, but now no one in my life makes me feel that way except for me.

Post no-contact I am extremely hard on myself, often over very small or innocuous things. Mistakes at work especially. Its to the point my boss pulled me aside.

I get it, my wound is fresh, I’m only about 2 months out of their house, but when and how does this get better? I feel pretty scared and hopeless about it right now.