u/RareBiscotti5

I can’t sleep after this so I need to get this off my chest. I’ve been up 24 hours and I really need to sleep. Yesterday, my brother asked me about why I don’t like our father. I told him the truth. He’s old enough to know but I was still kind about it. I didn’t trash our father but I was honest about our relationship and the final incident that was the nail in the coffin. This morning I got some bad health news, and as I was sharing it with my grandma (who’s usually on my side), she asked me if what I said to my brother was true. I confirmed, and what followed was a long text thread of her trying to argue that what I thought happened didn’t. That “oh your father was distant, but he didn’t do this thing you said he did”. Except HE DID. And she was there when it happened! Now she’s saying she doesn’t remember that (mind you it was 11 years ago), but because she doesn’t remember it, I must be a liar. Oh ya, I’m the liar, not my pathological lying narcissistic dad. Me. I’m so angry. It’s like they want me to pretend he didn’t do this thing to me, and if I don’t pretend then I’m the problem. I’m the liar. I know what happened. I replay it in my mind all the time. It’s the straw that broke the camels back. But of course my family doesn’t remember, or maybe they do but it’s easier to appease my father and make me play nice. Well the axe may forget, but the tree remembers. I remember. I’m not going to be gaslit into disbelieving my own experiences.

My great grandpa had FSGS, my grandpa has it, and both his kids have it. So we did genetic testing for the INF2 gene. Well I got the results today. Turns out I have the gene as well. I’ve been told it’s not if, it’s when it’ll develop. I’m upset. I feel like it’s gonna be soon. My dad was 16 when he was diagnosed and my grandpa was 30-33. So I’m still right in the middle of it. No one in my family has been older than 33 at diagnosis. It’s upsetting. I was told my whole life that being born with one functioning kidney was the extent of my problems and now I know they were talking out of their ass. Knowing I’m going to develop this disease that I’ve watched hurt and kill my family members, is like waiting to get hit by a train but being unable to move. I don’t like this waiting game, and yet it’s all I can do. I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me when it’ll start so that I could at least prepare myself.