u/Manonxo

I feel so stupid and I can't get this out of my head.

I always knew I'd go no contact with my parents, but when I got married I became so ... I dont even know the word, just like my heart would fill and I'd remember the good parts and envision an environment of a big family full of love for my future kids. Then I got pregnant and absolutely wanted to make things work so they could have as much love as possible, thinking I could set boundaries and protect them from the bad parts.

I also did not fully understand the extent of their abuse for some reason. Its like my mind minimized a lot of it and made it feel somewhat normal. As if its bad, but happens to everyone. I see now that its actually not normal, and people give shocked faces when they hear stories I tell lighthearted. Its always surprising to see people's reactions to something I shared like its a small event. Anyways...

I now have two sons. When my first son was born, I had the instinct to stay away but my heart told me to keep trying, he deserves a big family. For the first 2.5 years of his life, I would bring him to these people who abused me for years. He formed a relationship with them, grew to love them. Meanwhile, I was always on edge and unhappy, mistreatment kept happening and I would push it down. Then my second son was born, and at 2 months old I said no, this is it, enough is enough.

To be a good mama is to protect them, not expose them to abuse. They will see mama being treated this way and think it is normal. I want them to know they should not accept this kind of treatment. My youngest son actually has my dads name as his middle name... we legally changed it since, but man do I ever feel so fucking stupid.

Ive been no contact for 7 months now. I feel lighter, happier. I am less tense, I sleep without melatonin and I actually sleep through the night. I dont clench my jaw, I dont grind my teeth. Nervous ticks that I used to have are now gone. Its like a fog was lifted and I see how horrible things were. Why did I accept this treatment? Years of my life wasted... and why did I let my oldest son form a bond with these people? I keep crying about it. I dont regret cutting contact, I regret not doing it sooner. My kids knew me as a stressed out sad mama.

And now my oldest son knows and remembers my parents. He is now 3 and asks about them less, maybe he will forget. How long until he forgets them fully, where he can (God forbid) see them in public and not recognize their faces? My youngest wont remember, and my next baby won't meet them at all.

Im so fucking stupid.

Ive been crying a lot this morning. Just looking for advice, support, someone to tell this to.

Ive been no contact with my parents for 7 months now, my oldest son was 2 and a half when I cut it off for good. Seeing as so long has passed, I thought he would forget about them. I mean one month is a life time for a toddler. Its been a bit over half a year and he's now 3.

This morning he asks me why memere and pepere dont visit anymore. I tried telling him gently at his level that memere is very mean to mama, and we need to stop seeing them to not be hurt anymore. He says pepere was always very nice to him. And he's right, my dad loves that little boy so much, but he takes my moms side and wants me to put up with the abuse to keep the peace, literally told me he doesnt want to deal with her bullshit himself. So I tell my son gently that pepere is usually very nice, yes, but he says "memere can hurt mama and thats okay" so that makes mama very sad. He says he doesnt want mama to be sad and hurt. It took so much to not cry in front of my sweet boy. He doesn't deserve this. ​

I've permanently cut contact with my parents in February. In October I had a very long heart to hear with my dad, who I believed would love me enough to hear me out but I now see was always an enabler. Not anywhere near as bad as my mom, but will do whatever to keep things as is so he doesn't have to deal with the downfall of going against her. In December, I decided to have one last Christmas with family, in hopes that the holiday would warm their hearts and treat me with very basic decency. The way I was treated and the way my kids were treated was the absolute final straw. I knew it was coming but I had hope and kept giving more chances... I'm done, never again will I subject myself to this and never again will my kids witness this. I do not want them thinking its normal and something we accept. I grieved from Christmas until February, then sent a very short 3 sentence email stating we no longer want any contact, and have ignored their responses.

​Since then, my extended family have been starting to ignore me. My grandparents have not responded to me when I contacted them about my son's 3rd birthday. My uncle, who was the host for my wedding and who painted my baby's nursery has ignored me as well. For a week, I have called hin daily, sent fb messages, emailed. Absolutely nothing in response.

My cousin, who I believed to be my closest family member (godmother to both my children, present with me when I gave birth to my youngest) has ignored me for 5 fucking months. ​I was devastated. Eventually she responded and agreed to come to my oldest son's birthday and told me it was "awkward and tense" knowing I created drama in the family and she can't hang out with me pretending its all normal. That her dad died and she can't imagine losing a parent intentionally when she would do anything to have her parent back. In person after the party, she did walk it back and said shes in therapy for depression and wants to be better, that she loves me and the kids and wants to be back how it was before between us, despite my cut contact with my parents. I accepted and am trying to be empathetic to her situation as well as grateful that I did not lose her too.

It's so hard tho, I feel betrayed. I feel like I was mistreated repeatedly to the point of depression, and am now taking steps to take care of myself and my new little family (husband and kids). I am doing the hard thing to break the cycle of abuse and give my kids and myself a happier life. Yet those who I thought cared about me, dropped me without hesitation. Why? Smear campaign and playing the victim. And for some reason these people cant realize that it takes a lot for someone to cut off parents... its not done flippantly. But no, I'm doing a horrible thing and my poor, poor parents....

Im so sad.