u/Jazzlike_Egg123

I’m 25 and recently estranged from my Mum - already n/c with my Dad (separate households) for a few years. I’m really struggling with the weight of becoming a normal human with no one to advise or comfort me when things are challenging.

I’m n/c for different reasons: my Dad was absent, controlling, and belittled my intelligence. I thought I could prove my worth when I graduated top of my cohort, won a bunch of academic awards, and got a fully funded masters and PhD - he told me my area of study (humanities) is stupid and worthless and it’s meaningless that I won my funding. My Mum views me as competition (I think - she always makes snide jokes about me in the company of others), has no curiosity about me, cuts me off whenever I’m talking about anything other than her and her problems. Generally narcissistic traits, but I have sympathy for the background that she comes from and I try to understand. I’m the only girl of 5 brothers across the two households and that definitely has something to do with it. Both of my parents share the narrative that I’m difficult, uninteresting, cruel, stupid, and lazy.

I know it was the right decision to close this painful chapter. But I’m struggling so much with all the new experiences and demands of being a mid-20s woman - becoming resilient to rejection, holding personal boundaries, saying no, taking rest, being proud of myself, and, most of all now that I’m close to a publication, overcoming crippling imposter syndrome. I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time and my ideas are stupid and worthless and that it’s embarrassing to allow anyone to read my work because they’re going to think I’m so stupid. I feel so incredibly immature and malformed and like I just don’t have the skills or the words to comfort myself and steer through the fear and the grief. It’s so hard watching my peers’ parents be so deeply proud of their children, and so interested in their work and life and experiences. I feel so alone and alienated and I don’t even know how to be a friend to myself. I spend most evenings smoking weed and playing video games and then shaming myself for it and it feels like it’s almost meaningless to have cut my parents off when I am just reflecting all their resentment and criticism back onto myself.

My mental health is low and sometimes I feel like it’s too much to continue. I told my academic supervisors but they’re very clear that their job is my project, and they care about my wellbeing only to the extent that it’s effecting my work. I’m exhausted and scared and I really miss my childhood dog and the trees where I grew up. I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve with this post other than screaming into the void

My SIL’s birthday is coming up and I’ll be travelling internationally to visit her and the family. She and my brother have two young children (9 months and 2.5 yrs). She has understandably not been able to put herself first for a few years, and I want to give her a thoughtful gift that isn’t about the kids or being a Mum.

She is a massive bookworm and reads on her Kindle a lot, but my brother told me he’s bought her every single kindle accessory imaginable already. I thought about jewellery but she’s not really wearing it often at the moment (small hands love to grab). They don’t have a bathtub, so luxury bath foams and candles don’t really make sense. She used to play on her Nintendo Switch while pregnant, but hasn’t really had the time recently. She’s not hugely interested in make-up and skincare etc (although she does dress very stylishly). Their household is pretty well kitted in terms of gadgets and stuff (and I would feel bad getting something related to cooking/housework). I thought about a weekend trip to a spa for her and my brother but she’s still breastfeeding and they haven’t left the kids overnight since the first one was born, not even for the birth of the second.

Help!! My brother told me to just get her a kindle book voucher, but I want to get a nice treat on top of that…