u/SplurgBird

Hi everyone. I recently cut contact with my mother and siblings, but the situation is a little complicated because some of my siblings and I share the same dad.

For context, I’m in a long-term relationship and we have a child together. Her birthday party is coming up at the end of August, and back in June we let everyone know the date so they would have about two months to make arrangements. Most of my family lives 2–3 hours away.

In July, my mother told me that she and my brother were considering traveling across the country for an NFL preseason game. It happened to be the exact same weekend as my daughter’s birthday party. Over the next few weeks, I kept asking whether they had decided because I needed a headcount, but I could never get a definite answer.

About two weeks ago, I finally asked one last time. They confirmed they were going to the game, and my brother then told me the tickets had actually been purchased in May—before I even told them about my daughter’s party.

I was disappointed, but what really hurt was realizing that my daughter had been looking forward to seeing my family. Her birthday is basically the only time they make the drive to come see her. Meanwhile, my SO and I have made that 2–3 hour drive numerous times for birthdays, holidays, gatherings, or whatever else was happening.

The argument that followed made something click for me: I was the person keeping these relationships alive.

My brother told me, word for word, “Whatever happens to you when you leave here doesn’t have anything to do with us because we are here,” and that me moving away was “an inconvenience” for them. We have even helped him financially sometimes, and when I said that we have done that he said that he was just “scamming” us. After everything that has happened over the years, that conversation was essentially my breaking point, and I decided to cut contact.

Now my dad’s girlfriend just called me. They’re throwing my dad a surprise birthday party this Saturday at 5 PM. It’s about a two-hour drive for me and the brother I just cut contact with will be there.
I love my dad and I want to celebrate him. He isn’t the person I’m trying to distance myself from. But I also really don’t want to put myself back into the same environment with my brother this soon after finally deciding that I was done. My grandmother said I should just go for the sake of my dad, but I don’t think I can emotionally do it.

Part of me feels guilty about missing my dad’s surprise party because of someone else, but another part of me feels like immediately showing up to family gatherings as if nothing happened defeats the purpose of the boundary I just set.

Would you go for your dad and simply avoid your sibling, or would you skip the party and celebrate your dad separately?

My dad will be at my daughter’s party so I was thinking of possibly doing a 2 in 1 birthday…

We put our 3 year old to bed at 9:00pm and she will fall asleep at 9:30 to 9:45 and i get her up at 6:00am to get her ready to go to daycare but I’m reading that some people put their kids to sleep at 7:00pm and i would do that to make sure she’s getting enough rest but that means we would only get 2 hours with her so thats immediately dinner, bath time and a smidge of play time. Idk what’s right anymore lol but i want to do what is best for her

UPDATE: okay many of you told me to change it up to add in her nap at daycare. So the nap is 2 hours so that means she’s getting 11.5 hours total. But most importantly the most helpful feedback are the ones who say “do what’s best for your family” because that’s 100% true! Thank you!

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