u/ComprehensiveDebt845

I really need some outside perspective because I can’t tell if I’m being dramatic or if I’m right to keep my distance from my dad.
Growing up, I was extremely close with my father. I have an older brother and younger sister, and I was always the favorite. He called me his “princess,” constantly praised me, did almost anything I asked, and openly told us I was his favorite child.
I felt incredibly loved, but also trapped. I felt like I had to be the perfect daughter to stay in this little bubble we had created. My dad also constantly created competition between me and my brother. He praised me while insulting and ignoring my brother’s mental health and drug problems. I recently found out there was physical abuse involved too. My brother hated me because of all of this, although I don’t want to get too much into my relationship with him here.

When I was 17, everything changed.

I met a boyfriend who I genuinely felt loved by. I’ve always had trouble opening up to guys because I’m scared they won’t actually like me for who I am, but with him I felt more loved than ever. He came from a very different socioeconomic background and was very different from the guys I’d dated before.
My dad, who had always been supportive of my relationships, suddenly became extremely against this one.

My brother, who desperately wanted my dad’s approval, joined in and started harassing my boyfriend and his friends. My dad didn’t seem to care.

Then something happened with my brother where I almost lost my life. I really don’t want to go into the details, but even thinking about it makes me sick.
What destroyed me was that my dad didn’t seem to care. He seemed much more interested in protecting my brother. I had always believed my dad loved me more than anything, so realizing that he wouldn’t protect me completely broke me.
I started avoiding home and staying with my boyfriend as much as possible.

One day I went home to get some things, and my dad and brother locked me inside while I was crying and scared. My dad became physically abusive. He hit me harshly, something he had never done before, and cried about how I couldn’t “just leave him” when he loved me so much. He told me I was a child and had a responsibility to stay home and that I didn’t treat him like a father anymore.
Then he choked me so badly that I had a large bruise on my throat.

At the time, it genuinely felt like he was trying to kill me. I don’t know if that’s too strong to say, but that’s how it felt.
My sister is the only reason I was able to get out.
It’s been almost three years now. I have no contact with my family except my sister and occasionally my brother. I still don’t feel safe around my brother in person, but we can sometimes have short phone conversations with a lot of boundaries.
I’ve also had several conversations with my dad over the years and even gone to lunch with him in public. But every time I’m around him, I’m terrified and physically sick.

He keeps telling me I’ll always be his favorite, his “special girl.” He says he regrets what he did every day, that he’s changed, and that he loves me.
And this is where I feel incredibly confused.
Because I still miss him.

I miss being his special girl. I miss how close we were. I miss the dad I thought I had.
At the same time, I can’t understand how someone can love you that much and hurt you like that.
He keeps asking my sister and brother to convince me to talk to him. I recently told my brother to stop mentioning my dad to me, and thankfully he has respected that. My sister asks about him more often because she doesn’t know the full severity of what happened, and I feel guilty for not telling her everything.

Other family members, including my uncle, have reached out too.
I haven’t even blocked my dad’s number, which makes me feel stupid.
I know he’s sad about losing me. I know he says he regrets everything. And sometimes I feel like I’m cruel for not giving him another chance.
I keep wondering if something is wrong with me. Am I being dramatic over one terrible incident? Should I forgive him because he’s my father and says he’s changed?
Or is the fact that I still feel terrified and sick whenever I’m around him enough of a reason to stay away?

I love and miss my dad, but I also don’t feel safe with him. I don’t know how both of those things can be true at the same time. If you were in my position would you give him another chance? How do you let go off a parent that has hurt you when you know the relationship isn’t healthy?