u/milosebitch

I'm in my late 20s, I haven't talked to my family in over 2 years and I'm also gay. I just moved to the gay neighborhood of my city and I've begun greatly expanding my social life. I have been in therapy my entire adult life and I thought I had worked through my issues but I'm noticing I can't be nearly as outgoing as I'd like because of shame.

I promise this relates to estrangement. I grew up in a shame-based environment. Being weird or different was frowned upon because my family is very much a "you show up, you get talked about" kind of family. And my mom, who has self-image issues that she never sought help for, projected her fears onto me. At family functions, in public, even when I was at school. Like, one time in middle school, I was being bullied, and I ended up crying. I was sent to the counselor's office, where they treated me with more kindness than I had ever experienced. They called my mom, she came in with an empathetic expression and the second we left, she began to berate me because, in her words, "what's everyone going to think of you, now?".

It's that kind of shame. It became all-encompassing and now, as an adult, I have this horrible feeling all the time, always feeling like any way I am perceived is going to be judged harshly by people around me. And the critical voice in my head is always my mother's. And it has been especially pronounced lately. I envy how free my friends are and I'm always encouraging of them because it makes me happy for them to see it. I want to be like them.

Thing is, most estrangement stories I come across, the parents aren't like mine. My parents never said they didn't love me. All my material needs were met. My mom didn't disown me for being gay (she just secretly hoped I was straight). The biggest thing is that because I don't feel emotionally safe with any of my family, I have no desire to reconnect with any of them. Even if they change. Even if my mom completely heals. And because of this, I feel like an asshole.

I've been going to school for a couple years and due to an emergency I had to move and change schools. Same state (CA), same county, different community college district. I enrolled in a class this summer and followed what I was told to do in order to get financial aid transferred. I was approved for the 2025/2026 year at my previous school, I called them, they told me to do a correction on my 25/26 form to update my information (add my new school, update my name since I had a legal name change).

​

​

I got a notice from my new school like three weeks ago that I am ineligible for aid because of a defaulted federal student loan. I have never taken out a loan in my life. I've been calling the financial aid office (nobody ever picks up, the automated system tells me they'll take 5 business days to get back to me). I email them, they tell me they'll look into it and never get back to me even though they seldom do. I go to the financial aid office physically and they tell me their technician isn't in, they took down my name, student ID number and contact info and it's now been a week and they never reached out to me.

​

​

I had to drop my class because if I stayed enrolled any longer, to drop the class would earn me a W on my transcript. I have $6 in my bank account that I need to make last until July so there's no way I could afford the textbook for the class.

​

​

I don't understand why nobody is getting back to me. I suspect my name change has something to do with this but I'm not entirely sure. I know FAFSA has me in the income bracket eligible for the highest amount of aid so that's not the issue.

​

Idk, where do I even go from here?

This is an update from this post

https://www.reddit.com/r/SchizoFamilies/s/sFOTIbFvgp

My roommate, who was one of my dearest friends went into psychosis in January and the situation at home deteriorated quickly.

He attacked his husband in February, went to jail, then a 5150 followed by a 5250, came back home having refused medication, started having these unhinged rants outside my bedroom door every morning where he would say the nastiest things anybody has ever said about me specifically loud enough for me to hear. It would be verbal abuse mixed with delusions about how it was ICE that arrested him and how the government and his employer were involved and the hospital floor was magnetic, among other things.

That's a really short version of it.

There were four of us living in that place. The one going through psychosis, his husband, myself and another close friend. He and I found another apartment with another friend and we all moved in together. We didn't tell them we were moving until two days before the move. In the week leading up to the move, the roommate experiencing psychosis was actually really pleasant in comparison to the previous few months. He was still clearly in psychosis, but I could actually have a conversation with him where a few sentences were actually grounded before he'd shoehorn in one of his delusions. He was being really sweet, but I had to remember that I overheard him a couple months ago say "I acted nice for [my name] but he still won't listen", so I unfortunately couldn't trust him entirely.

I went to a get-together with some friends last week and an older friend of mine told me something that I had to take into consideration. I kept insisting that the things he would say and do while psychotic weren't him, since it was such a contrast to how he was when he wasn't this way. This friend told me that this is also a part of him.

So, I have this dilemma. The things that were said to me and about me are things that I can't just pretend weren't said. I guess. I don't know. When he would be nice to me, it would be as if he hadn't just called me the most vile things I've ever been called just hours before. He would say "it was my PTSD and I was triggered and I know ir bothers you when I'm loud". Note that there isn't even an apology for the volume of these outbursts, let alone an acknowledgement of the content of these outbursts.

I don't even remember, now, what he was like before. I wish I had a recording of it. Something mundane. Because I miss him. But was this always a part of him? Not the psychosis, but what came with it. He basically behaves like an abuser who has absolutely no awareness that he should be masking these behaviors. Openly telling us that he doesn't consent to us talking to his husband. Gaslighting us to our faces. Declaring himself the master of the house. Declaring that somebody from the hospital would be moving in while refusing to reconsider when every other person in the house vehemently objects. Calling us abusers during his tirades in which he would verbally abuse us. None of it was veiled. I'm a DV survivor. Even when THAT got bad, it was never as overt and transparent as this. There's no subtlety at all. I wonder if that's the anosognosia making it so that he isn't aware he's behaving in a way that should probably be disguised somehow. I just don't know for sure.

Does psychosis change personality THIS much? I'm told I should cut him from my life entirely, even if he gets better. And I'm inclined to take that advice. But this wasn't just a friend. If something happened to him, God forbid, I would be devastated. Him and his husband are people I love. They're like family.

About 9 months ago, I (26m) weighed about 195 pounds (I am 5'9.5" tall) and about a month ago, I reached 135 pounds, hitting 60 pounds of weight loss, primarily through calorie deficit. I am also a detransitioner, meaning I was on estrogen for several years and I went back on testosterone, which was around the beginning of my weight loss.

In the last month, I've gained 4 pounds as a result of significantly increased stress, eating more than usual and admittedly increased alcohol intake.

Honesly, losing all this weight has been wonderful. I feel more attractive, especially when I'm wearing a cute outfit or something. My face is slim which I like a lot. I've also gone from pant size 34w to 29w, (30w if I'm wearing a belt), and my shirt size has gone from large to medium/small. It's all pretty great.

Despite all these positive changes, I'm troubled by some of the things that haven't gone away. Primarily, the apron belly. My belly not only sticks out, but overhangs a little bit. My loose skin has tightened a bit but that didn't do much to hide the belly. When you see it up close and feel it, it's very very doughy. When I run, I still feel jiggling and I'm not confident enough to be shirtless anywhere.

I would really just like to be thin. Maybe a little bit toned, I'm not sure. Has anyone else delt with this at a BMI as low as 20 or even lower? Have any of you overcome this?

I posted here last month

https://www.reddit.com/r/SchizoFamilies/s/qdAgzbvKAm

This is an update.

I've considered him a close friend for a very long time but I'm afraid that's over now.

In December, he stopped taking his meds, in January the psychosis became outwardly apparent, and in February he assaulted his husband and was hospitalized for two weeks after spending a week in jail. He could not be compelled to take his medications, which he believed to be poisoning him. He was in Vraylar and even increased the dose to 3mg, somewhat improving his mental state, but he was still in psychosis and when he returned to work, he was fired, which also meant he would lose his health insurance.

So since April 1st, he's been completely unmedicated, and I, along with my other roommate have reclassified our home as hell. He has scapegoated both of us for "destroying his life". His recollection of his arrest has shifted over the weeks and he now believes he was kidnapped and trafficked by ICE. Every single day, he stands in the hallway and spouts the most hateful vitriol I've ever heard in his "rants" which he calls "panic attacks caused by PTSD". We were waking up to paragraphs of abusive rants from him in our DMs, so we blocked him and as a result, he was absolutely apoplectic.

He spends up to three hours a day yelling about how we're abusive, sociopathic cowards, and attacks us for staying in our rooms and avoiding him. These are the good days. The bad days, there's screaming and slamming coming from him and his husband's bedroom that shake the house hard enough to register on the richter scale.

During one such incident, he was hitting himself repeatedly in the head and I happened to capture a short clip of it for proof that he requires inpatient care (this was prior to losing his job). I called 988 who told me to call 911 and ask for a crisis response team. 911 informed me that none were available so they sent police, whom we waited hours for. They never came. Instead, I was called six hours later by an officer who took my statement. I gave the officer his husband's phone number and his husband didn't corroborate what I said because they were in the car together and he would be overheard. I sent him the video I took, and he took him to the ER and they wouldn't admit him. So the nightmare continued.

So now, he demands that we both leave because we are sociopaths and a bunch of other horrible words he uses to describe us. He thinks we've brainwashed his husband. He does these rants specifically so we'll hear them and they happen as early as 6am and last for hours. I've had to drop half my classes because the stress caused me to fall behind. When we're upset by his rants, he thinks we're mad at him for "being loud" and that he's justified in "being loud" because he has PTSD. He has scapegoated us so it's always nasty things he's saying about us as loudly as possible.

So, we're leaving. I tried to get his husband to look into the CARE act, he wouldn't. He just sits there and listens to these rants all day, every day. I sent them nearly $1500 to help offset the loss of income. My roommate bought a car AFTER getting fired because he believes he will win his lawsuit against the hospital which he is doing because he believes they trafficked him.

No moving date is set yet but it can't come soon enough. I don't interact with him because it's impossible to reason with him. So I sit in my room and listen to him verbally abuse me. I considered him family. And I've been too stressed out to greive but I know when I leave and finally have some peace and quiet, it'll hit me that I've lost someone dear to me. Things will never be the same. And that sucks. And I feel guilty because I know he's sick. But you can only endure this vileness for so long before your patience runs out.