u/No_Arugula_757

After a little over a year of NC, I have reached out to my mom. I don't know what's going to come of it so just looking for some community and support here. I'd appreciate not getting comments assuming it's not going to work out (I understand that's a real possibility). I don't know what I'm looking for ,maybe just affirmation that this is a fair and reasonable message and I've done everything I could.

for background - mom was physically and emotionally abusive and emotionally neglectful, dad was more emotionally abusive and neglectful (consumed with work). Mom seems more open to being wrong and making amends. Dad is offended I've suggested he was less than a wonderful father.

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[mom], I have accepted that you may not be willing or able to engage in a relationship with me that has the basic kindness, respect, and consideration I believe a healthy relationship requires. At the same time, I care about my daughter and would like her to have the opportunity to know her family, if a healthy and safe relationship is possible.

For that reason, I am again proposing that we discuss our concerns with a neutral therapist present and see whether we can come to an understanding about the existing concerns and what would be needed to move forward. I can only have people in my daughter’s life if I am confident that the relationship will be safe and respectful for both her and me.

Also, as I've previously explained, an apology is more than the words “I'm sorry.” Saying sorry and then criticizing the person who was harmed for not accepting it is not genuine accountability. It treats the apology as something that should entitle the person who caused the harm to forgiveness and continued access to the relationship, without requiring them to fully acknowledge or address what they did.

A meaningful apology requires specifically acknowledging what you did, taking responsibility for your actions without deflecting to other causes, recognizing the harm those actions caused, and demonstrating an understanding of their consequences. That includes long-term consequences—for example, how repeatedly instilling fear, dread, and humiliation in a child can affect the way that child later responds to harmful or unhealthy situations as an adult. It also requires identifying what should have been done differently and what you will do differently going forward.

Lastly, [dad] has made changing my views about the abuse I experienced as a child and how it affected me a condition of engaging with me. I explicitly offered to discuss our disagreements with a neutral therapist present, but he did not engage with that proposal and instead accused me of cutting off communication. When I clarified that I remained open to communication, he subsequently told me not to communicate with him, including [redacted]

I will not participate in a dynamic in which having a relationship with someone is conditional on changing my understanding of my own childhood experiences or their impact on me. I am stating clearly now that I will not entertain suggestions that I repair my relationship with [dad] while those conditions remain in place. I have already offered an avenue for communication through a neutral therapist, and that offer was not accepted.

To be clear, I am open to nuance but that does not mean that I should have to continually qualify or defend my own experiences in order to be treated with care. I am capable of considering context and perspectives other than my own, but I also deserve space to be understood without my experiences being immediately met with caveats, corrections, or attempts to change my perception of them. 

For some reason, an article on my LinkedIn popped up that said something like "if you're a women over 45, you're never getting hired!" The article was paywalled so I don't know what it said.

I know ageism exists in hiring in general. I remember when I was in my 20s, a manager in my company said "we want someone young who's willing to work" when hiring.

I got a job offer quickly when I applied a few years ago at 32. I didn't take the role and accepted a counter-offer at my current job for a promotion.

Now, at 37, I'm having a harder time. I know the hiring market isn't good right now but I tend to catastrophize and think things like "no one wants me now that I'm over 35." I am applying to roles that are slightly more senior to the offer I got at 32 (my current position is more senior too).

Is it really true that they will pass on a capable candidate just because of their age?

For general background I work in R&D/ Engineering and I see a lot of companies full of younger people.

As planner season is upon us and temptations abound, are you considering switching away from rings? I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts as I try to make my own decision.

For me, I love my personal rings. I have a few different sizes (11mm, 18mm, and 25mm), and I switch between them fairly often depending on what I need. I love the capacity of the 25mm, but I also carry my planner everywhere, and it's pretty chunky. When it starts feeling like too much, I'll swap into one of my smaller binders.

Now that the Hobonichi previews are here, I'm feeling very tempted by an A6 Hobonichi. I had one years ago, but I wasn't nearly as consistent with planning then. I like the idea of fitting an Avec plus a couple of slim companion books (for notes or the weekly supplement) into one cover and having a compact system that could replace what I currently do in rings. I also love the idea of ending the year with a beautiful bound book.

But then I think about everything I'd be giving up. I love the flexibility of rings. I love punching ephemera between my daily pages and being able to flip back through it all later (I archive everything into larger binders). Just yesterday I printed my kid's lunch menu at 60%, punched it, and tucked it right into my planner for easy reference. Those little conveniences are hard to replicate in a bound book.

On the other hand, I really prefer small, lightweight purses, and my 25mm binder literally doesn't fit in some of them. Even my 11mm personal is still fairly large because of the overall footprint.

And yes, before anyone suggests it, I've tried pocket rings. 😄 The pages were just too small for me, and the binder got chunky so quickly that it didn't end up feeling much more portable.

I also genuinely enjoy both planning and journaling, so I think switching systems is part of the fun rather than a sign I'm dissatisfied. Right now I'm leaning toward trying a Hobonichi Avec for the first six months of the year. If I find myself missing rings, I can always switch back for the second half.

So...are you staying loyal to rings this year, or are you tempted by the fruit of another system?

Hi! I'm currently in a ring planner but I sometimes crave to be in a bound one. Instead of trying to fight my planner hopping, I'm trying to embrace it and am interested in trying a 3 month planner so that I can go back to rings after 3 months if I want (and maybe switch every 3 months lol)

Requirements:

MUST BE FOUNTAIN PEN-FRIENDLY

Size - I am currently in personal rings 3.75" × 6.75" (95 mm × 171 mm) and I love this size but it seems like, for some reason, it's hard to find bound books in this size. I could work with something up to a B6 size, though a little smaller is preferred for portability.

Monthly, weekly, and daily spreads. A blank daily is ideal but can work with other layouts as long as they're not too crowded/ restrictive. I like to journal in my dailies too so I need space to write.

It can be dated or undated. Undated preferred but I can redate something if needed.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS - IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THE SHOW AND DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED - DON'T READ!

I finished watching the Sopranos a few days ago and was reading lots of forums about the characters, like how "batshit crazy" Gloria was or "horrible and miserable" Livia was and how "self-centered" Tony was.

Now, no member of my family is in the mob or a murderer (that I know of lol) but it was strange to me...like I found the Sopranos' characters kind of ...normal... if not nice at times.

Gloria has nothing on my mother... threatens to kill herself? Talks about how nobody loves her? Wants constant and unconditional attention? At least Gloria did it to a full grown man, not her children. My mom is honestly a mix of Gloria and Janice.

Livia seemed like a gentle old lady compared to my grandmother.

Tony at least showed some warmth to his children while my dad was too emotionally unavailable for that.

It's weird because I still am constantly asking myself if I am overreacting with my estrangement. Is the Sopranos looking normal to me a good sign that I should stay the f away from my family?

it’s been one year of NC after a few rocky years filed with shorter periods of NC.

things come and go in waves but today i had this bizarre feeling of like “oh yeah, these people exist, i used to know them” but they are so distant from me emotionally and physically now - they are memories.

its weird that they are still out there living their lives. they and my sister (still in contact with her) are the people I’ve been around most in my life - and they’re gone. not even like they died and I miss them gone- like they evaporated and are living in a parallel universe that doesn’t matter.

i have a husband and a child we are happy. but my old life, it’s vanished. I don‘t have many friends from childhood or good relationships with much extended family either

its just so weird , its like my past doesn’t exist

Long story but I left a corporate engineering job a couple years out of college to join a startup. Was supposed to be an engineering role. Ended up doing way more PM/ customer relations/ regulatory/ management/ coordination than engineering for way too long.

A couple yrs ago after having my baby I made it clear I wanted to switch to a more engineering role. Was given lip service but things didn't really change. Only in February I blew up at a couple managers and literally dropped all non-engineering work.

Now I have a technical project. My background is ME but this project is more data processing/ analysis which I like and works well because I'm remote (I started onsite and moved to remote after a few years). But with parenting a toddler, I feel like my brain and attention isn't the same. I have a really hard time focusing and processing things. I feel like I would have loved and thrived in this work 12 years ago when I started but now I can barely do it (aka can't do it).

I recently interviewed for a PM role at a local engineering company. They were super positive about me and I made it to an onsite interview and then was ghosted - I heard so many stories like this but still couldn't believe it happened to me.

I want to cry looking at job postings. Anything technical I feel I can't apply for. Anything non-technical I also feel I won't get because I've been on the fence more than in a fully non-technical role.

I wanted to work on this technical project at my current job but I feel so incompetent and honestly resentful of my company and coworkers that I spend too much emotional energy on that. We have a team standup every other day where I basically say I'm still stuck. My manager sucks - don't ask.

My husband luckily makes enough money for us to be ok. I never thought I'd give up my career and independence but I feel like an unworthy incompetent loser and maybe spending time with my toddler is my best use of time. So much for "women in engineering".

I used to work onsite at my company and now I'm fully remote. On site, I sometimes worked on experiments in the lab and also worked in the field. That work would take a long time but a lot of it was waiting or doing straightforward known tasks. I did some more deep/ analytical work too but that was not all my time.

Now that I'm remote, almost all my work is that analytical type work. For example, I've spent the last few days preparing a report for a regulatory body explaining how we decided on certain parameters for our product. It involved going through internal data and finding external references, doing some analysis, and creating the report. Some other things I work on include some coding and analysis and sometimes some systems engineering work like requirements etc.

I've read a lot on this topic and my understanding is that scientific research shows that a person can do 3-4 hours of deep work on a good day and more like 1.5 to 2 on an average day. I have definitely found this to be true.

I have other things like meetings, routine trainings, and data organization that are less deep work that I do sometimes too.

I've done a lot of time tracking and all I can really do is 3-4 hours of work average per day, sometimes mostly deep work , sometimes not. Sometimes this is spread over 8 hours with lots of breaks or sometimes I just start really late or end really early.

I know that some of my work, like preparing this report, are things that few (if any) other people at my company can do to the same quality so I think I still provide value. I don't want to judge myself by hours put in but I guess I still hope I'm not some anomaly.

My manager is basically not a manager and gives me no feedback (we're a small company and don't have a lot of formalities)

How much time do you actually work in a day and can you break it down between deep work and easier tasks?

Laili made several comments about how young she is:

Pamela is jealous that she’s younger and independently successful

The other women are “elder”

She’s generally mentioned how she’s the youngest in the group

For all her talking, she doesn’t look particularly young. I know she said she was 29 but I think all the surgery makes her look older (I’m not trying to be mean but she’s talked about surgery/ procedures a lot on social media) and honestly if I saw her and Pam side by side I might think Pam were younger.

In one of the earlier episodes, Tejaswi decides she doesn’t like Pamela as she feels she started unnecessary gossip about Laili so she starts calling her “Pammi” smugly, saying she knows Pamela finds it annoying, and she does it the whole season in this annoying tone.

Name calling should never be a thing but worst case it should end in middle school. This grown ass woman using a nickname to smugly mock someone is so gross… like did you take a page from Donald Trump’s rules of engagement?

I initially wanted to like Tejaswi but her personality is cringe. When it comes to “not fitting in”, she could learn to show and not tell. You’re not so special and different, everyone was new here once and several others including Binda have talked about coming from humble backgrounds. If you don’t think you fit in, SHOW it by having more tact and class than the others, don’t just announce it like you are so unique.

I want to applaud her for being “self made” and not just “depending on her husband “ but she’s with Karan who I find so annoying and gross so there does not feel like much to compliment there.

I understand why people like remote work. If you have a really long commute, I get that going to the office doesn't feel worth it. I get that some people don't like the distractions of an office place. I don't judge anyone who prefers to work from home.

I have been remote since moving in 2019 (before the pandemic). I am currently in the interview phase for a job that would be 3 days on site. That sounds great to me, I get some in person time but it's not every single day. 8 hours a day every day is a long time to sit alone at a computer. I am excited to possibly:

Actually get dressed some days and have people see me

Not stare at a screen for 8 hours and actually see people face to face

Not just be at home (I have a toddler so, though i maintain a social life, it's hard to be out doing a lot of things outside of work)

Have a more definitive beginning and end to my day

But most people I talk to seem to think that people who want to go to the office at all, even hybrid:

Have no life and look for work to fill their social needs

Hate their families and don't want to be around them

Are losers who care too much about a job that doesn't care about them

Are forcing people who work remotely to return to office

I GET THAT EVERYONE'S SITUATION IS DIFFERENT. Again, if you love working from home, that's great and I have nothing against that. I don't think people who wfh are lazy or less valuable. I don't hate my job and since I spend so much time doing it, I'd rather not do it isolated. I get if you hate your job you might feel differently. But if you like an in-person job, do you feel judged?

In our last few interactions before I went NC, I was not the most regulated or respectful communicator. My parents had taken the strategy of “moving forward positively “ and “not dwelling on the past.”

I tried (in vain ofc) to explain to them that we could not just move forward without them taking accountability for their abuse and committing to change (also asked to talk with a therapist present).

But if a random person were to read out last few text exchanges or hear our last conversations, they would probably think I was the unhinged one.

I hate that we ended with the being “calm”. They were saying things like we won’t have disrespectful conversations (lol glad you get to have that choice), but this is after so much disrespect and abuse. But in the end it was like we were reversed and I was the crazy mean one.

It makes me like I’ll be seen as the bad one in the situation as we continue NC.

I ask because I am feeling down on myself, I’ve been in the field for almost 15 years, and, though I’ve done some research and product development, I’ve also done a lot of project management and other things which don’t feel as “valuable”.

I just saw a thread on Reddit about how now it’s hard even for engineering majors to find jobs coming out of college. I graduated not too long after the recession and had no problem finding an engineering job at a big corporation at the time.

I’m currently employed but having terrible mental health at this job so looking for something else.

When I chose engineering, it was definitely partly pressure from my parents but I also thought it was at least a stable field to have a career. I like math and science but, if it weren’t for the career prospects, I would have majored in something else.

I’m feeling a bit depressed that after working so hard, I won’t necessarily be able to find another job. I am early in the interview process for one job so we’ll see how that goes but it just seems like engineering didn’t guarantee me anything like I was told it would.

I also feel like other engineers are more secure and this problem is specific to me since I haven’t done as much “pure engineering.” Part of the reason I don’t have the experience I wanted was I was hired as an R&D engineer for one job but essentially ended up being a project manager for many years.

Do you feel like your career feels solid and stable and you could easily find another job if you wanted?