r/AskWomenOver30

I think this is an issue I have struggled with my entire life, but truly I feel like I have struggled with this more so in my older age.

I’m in a very long-term relationship, but I moved away from my hometown years ago and have never been able to establish any solid friendships. At work, I am excellent at my job. But I also feel like this makes it easier for others to be annoyed by me. I just do my job, advocate for myself when I need to and go home.

I often feel like people pretend to like me, but no one actually wants to spend time with me or have me around. I feel like I don’t mean much to most people and that I am empty space to them except a relatively nice person and a good worker.

I think I have struggled with people not connecting with me more than surface level my whole life my family even calls me out on it. And honestly, it’s not like I don’t try.

I am not really religious and don’t participate in religious communities. I don’t have kids. I have a ton of hobbies and interests but not really anything that occupies me to the point where I can develop community with people.

I used to have a lot of friends in college and was relatively well-liked then. But maybe, generally, I’m not a likable person and I struggle with what to honestly do about that except be sad.

Does anyone else feel that way? What would you do? I have tried everything to put myself out there and I am just not important or interesting to most people. I’m afraid most people are annoyed by me or hate me.

Thanks for thinking about this and thanks for listening. I’m just really sad right now.

Mine is there's no such thing as unconditional love between adults. You can love someone for their whole self with your whole heart, but strings are always attached to that love - don't steal from me, don't lie to me, don't cheat on me, don't take advantage of me, don't betray me.

I (34f) got asked out by someone significantly older (53m). I’ve never gone out with someone this much older but also when we met we struck up a chat about books and had a lot of similar interests so I am intrigued but I can’t lie the gap is a little off putting. He’s very handsome and in shape but definitely can tell he’s older. Just wanted to see if anyone else has been in that significant a gap and thoughts on it? Not saying I’m gonna marry this guy or anything but I’ve always been a “do it for the story” type and try to remain open to those that don’t fit my “type” so why not see what a dates like is my current thinking

Not asking for medical advice. Just asking if this happens to anyone else once you hit your 30's.

I've always had an on-time period that lasts about 4-5 days. Heavy 1-2 days, normal to light for the remaining. My cycle length is typically 28 days. No severe issues when it comes to my cycle. Normal amount of cramps, no other symptoms besides some slight breast tenderness.

However, I just turned 30 and I'd say the past year I get period symptoms daysssss leading up to. I used to notice my period was coming about a day before. Maybe I'd spot a smidge the day before. Light cramping

Now I spot for almost 5 days before my period. I'll think ok I'm spotting a bit, I'll have it tomorrow. Then nothing, next day same thing, then nothing.

I started spotting on Monday. It's nothing severe I can wear a panty liner and carry on with my day. When I get my period it's normal and lasts 4-5 days. But it's driving me crazy. Bad enough we have to get a period, but I don't need a preview of what I am in for 5 days before it's supposed to start

I check for pregnancy every month to be safe, and I always do end up getting my period and it does come on time. But I'd like to not experience spotting days before it's supposed to start

My boyfriend and I are both in our early 30s and have been dating for around six months. We’re crazy about each other, and this has been one of the most loving, caring and genuinely wonderful relationships I’ve experienced.
He’s an incredibly thoughtful, affectionate and supportive partner. He’s proud to be with me, makes me feel loved every day, and I have absolutely no concerns about him cheating or being unfaithful. I genuinely believe he’s a good person with good intentions.

Neither of us has had the best examples of healthy relationships growing up, and we’ve both had things to unlearn. We’ve worked through quite a lot together already, and I think we’ve both made a real effort to communicate better and build something healthy.

However, there’s one issue that’s happened twice now, and I’m struggling with how I feel about it.
My boyfriend sometimes chooses not to tell me things because he’s worried they’ll hurt my feelings. Specifically, situations involving his family where I might feel excluded. The most recent example was when his family surprised him at a special work event. He didn’t tell me about it afterwards because he thought I’d feel upset or left out knowing they’d been there and I hadn’t. It was a similar instance the first time.

I want to be clear that I’m not saying I should automatically be invited to every family occasion, especially given that we’ve only been together six months. I completely understand that his family has their own relationships, plans and dynamics outside of me. What hurts is that he made a conscious decision not to tell me something because he was worried about my reaction. This is the second time something similar has happened. After the first incident, I explained that I’d much rather he be honest with me, even if the truth might sting a little, than have him decide what information I should or shouldn’t know.

So the fact that it’s happened again, knowing how I felt the first time, has really upset me.
I genuinely don’t think he’s doing this maliciously. I think he’s conflict-avoidant and so concerned about protecting my feelings that he doesn’t realise withholding information can be more hurtful than the thing itself.

But it’s starting to affect my trust. I now find myself wondering whether there are other perfectly innocent things he hasn’t told me because he’s decided I might be upset by them.
And I don’t want to be in a relationship where my partner feels he has to manage my emotions by filtering the truth. Equally, I don’t want him to feel like he has to walk on eggshells around me.

So my questions are:
Am I making too much of this, given that the things he’s withheld are relatively innocent?
Is this a common form of conflict avoidance, and can people genuinely change this behaviour?
How do you rebuild trust when someone isn’t being dishonest to deceive you, but rather to protect your feelings?

TL;DR: My otherwise incredibly loving and trustworthy boyfriend has twice withheld information about family events because he thought knowing about them would make me feel excluded. We discussed this after the first incident, but it’s happened again. I don’t doubt his intentions or fidelity, but I’m struggling with the fact that he decides what to tell me based on how he thinks I’ll react. Is this something we can work through, or am I underestimating the impact on trust?

I would love to run a regular group get together for games, dinners, book club, TTRPG, meal prepping, or what have you - but my preferred environment is mostly women, with women setting the baseline vibe, and miscellaneous people of other genders who like that vibe being involved and not lesser in any way. I'm not sure how often that's a thing or how to cultivate that in a transparent and welcoming way. Have you ever been part of a group/club etc like that? What is that called?

It's so normal for me to find the equivalent if you replaced "women" with "gay people", because I know which hobbies my fellow gays dominate in and, if they're the majority in a group, queer people *will* set the tone. I was raised around a ton of gender segregation and so I'm unsure if the same is true with women as a group or if a handful of men etc would change the vibe. (trans women are women.)

Thoughts?

Hey everyone! I could use some advice about a situation.

I moved to a new city a year ago. I've made some friends here, but sometimes it's hard to get together because of everyone's schedules. I often feel lonely, especially since I live alone and still work remotely.

I think I need to expand my social circle, and something recently happened that might be an opportunity to make a new friend.

A while ago, a girl who lives in the same city started following me on Instagram. From what I've gathered from her profile, we seem to have similar interests and lifestyles, and we're the same age. She interacts with me in a friendly way, and she knows I'm in a relationship, so I don't think she's trying to flirt with me.

We interact occasionally and sometimes have little conversations over DMs, but that's about it.

I'd love some advice on how to take the next step and turn this casual Instagram interaction into a potential friendship. How do you approach someone and suggest hanging out without making things awkward or coming across as too forward? How do adults make new friends naturally?

I had this conversation with a friend and am wondering if I’m living on a weird island.

I’m 32 and engaged to my partner of 4.5 years. I engaged in some risky behavior as a teen and started having sex at 15. It was not a great situation and looking back I was so young and insecure and just had no idea how stupid I was being. Fortunately my mom got me on birth control very early and I always used a backup method as well - condoms unless I was in a long term serious relationship and when I didn’t use them, I always had my partner pull out. I’ve never intentionally let a partner c*m in me. It’s only happened once and it was due to a broken condom - this was maybe 10 years ago? I got so paranoid I still took plan B even though I was religiously taking the pill.

I’m getting married in a couple months and at this point in my life VERY much ready for kids. My fiancé and I talk about it all the time and plan to get pregnant immediately. Now that the wedding is so close we are trying to time it right as to when to stop taking birth control. We are going on our honeymoon immediately after the wedding and I’m trying to avoid a bleed on the wedding & honeymoon if possible.

All this to say I was chatting with a girlfriend about it and she asked why i don’t just quit bc now and make sure we pull out. I made a comment that we always do and she was like wait really? The whole point of birth control is that they can c*m inside you and it’s fine!! I was like what???? I’ve NEVER! In fact the thought kinda gives me the heebie jeebies because my only memory of it is that one time and I felt like it just kept dripping out of me.

So here are my questions

1. Does it somehow feel good?? Or is it mostly for the guy? Why do you like it?
2. Is anyone else like me or am I crazy
3. Can you pretty please cross your fingers and hope the fertility gods bless me with a healthy pregnancy in December?? 🤞🏿

ETA y’all are cracking me up!! I had no idea what I’ve been missing out on. We’ll have to give it a try 🤣

I’m 31F and he’s 30M. SO kind, so generous, so supportive. it’s like we understand each other without words sometimes when it comes to expressing emotions or feelings, no matter how deep they are. i think I’ve found a good guy, but the only potential issue I’m seeing is that I’m often having to “dumb myself down” or constantly explain what certain words I say mean.

thats not to mean that I think he’s not intelligent, he definitely is! he’s super knowledgeable when it comes to his job or things that are super useful like fixing cars. I don’t think I’m lightyears ahead of him but I do read a lot and happen to know a lot of “big” words. When I say something and it comes out exactly how I thought it in my head, he’ll sometimes stop and ask me what a certain word means, or a certain concept. he seems open to learning and never seems to be intimidated or annoyed by my verbiage (that right there would be a word that he wouldn’t understand, but I have trouble finding a more “simple” word for what I’m trying to say!), hes VERY receptive to understanding and often praises how smart he thinks I am but sometimes I feel like I’m putting the poor guy through a teaching lesson.

this often pops up when I’m telling him what I’m doing or something random on my mind, because I’m often doing schoolwork while I talk to him on the phone so its just all at the forefront of my mind. but once I just open up about my inner thoughts or emotions or something that’s bothering me, he understands me better than any past partner I’ve ever had and makes sure to make me feel supported.

so I’m asking, do any of you have any experience with a dynamic like this? did it work? I dont mind having to explain things to him, I just feel like it’ll get old for one of us at one point and that really sucks to think about because besides that, he is genuinely the kindest man ive dealt with.

my last ex was extremely intelligent, but almost to a fault—he was super logical but only operated on facts and didnt really understand my emotions or feelings. if he couldn’t make concrete sense of what I felt, hed brush it off. my current guy has always encouraged me to feel what I feel and has never shamed me for it, and it makes me feel safe. it’s just that I wish I could talk to him in a way that comes naturally to me when it comes to everything else.

does intellectual level really matter, or should someone that understands your innermost workings take precedence?

One guy admitted he never complimented me because he didn’t want me to get a “big head”.

Another guy admitted that during fights, he purposely typed nonsense so I could see the text bubble showing he was typing, but had no intention of sending anything.

Edit: forgot about the guy who googled me and pretended to have things in common with me that he found (interests, accomplishments, etc) before our first date.

Obviously not the worst things men have done to me by far, but Jesus. These are men who were supposed to CARE about me.

Going from a core girl group, chatting 24/7, hanging out almost every weekend, to radio silence, new group chats with everyone else still in them but me, seeing everyone hanging out still on social me (but me)… I’m trying so hard to be strong, but nothing is working. I’m suffering greatly. I just lay on my floor with pain.

It’s even harder because it all intertwines with a larger network of friends and acquaintances. I can’t simply escape the ones icing me out because we share tons of mutuals and lots of group hangs. I’m trying to emotionally detach from these girls, but it’s hard when I’m still surrounded by them. And talk about confusing!

Confusing because I’ve tried talking to them together and separately multiple times. But their actions never match their words. They say they hear me, but then continue to ignore me. I’m at an utter loss. Confusing because I feel so strongly that there a bunch of double standards that exist. They have these unspoken rules for me, not for thee, and I apparently keep fucking them up. When I see one girl say something or act a certain way within the group, I assume it’s a green light for others as well. But when I match the behaviors, it’s not accepted. It’s rejected and I’m the bitch. It’s so confusing 😩

Confusing because they all talk shit about each other… or maybe it’s just venting? Idk, I’m trying to learn more about that. Because to me, it always sounds like talking shit and judging. But im being told this is different and is “venting.” They’ll “vent” or complain about each other to me, and it leaves me confused. I think, “so do you like your friend or not?”

Confusing because I feel villainized for my life changing, even though it’s been for the better. I got into a happy, healthy relationship. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness(which sucks), so I started staying home a lot more. Instead of seeing the girls 2-3x a week, it went down to once a week. I thought that was fine considering we’re in our 30s and chatting 24/7 in texts! But I could tell, especially with the one girl I was closest with, that she wasn’t truly happy for me, despite her claiming otherwise. I mean, of the other girls got a boo, too. And they’re genuinely happy for her. The genuine happiness for her vs. the disdain for my happiness is palpable.

I don’t think I’m a bad person, but lately I’ve been convinced otherwise. I have been through so much trauma (and therapy) in life that I feel comfortable navigating the uncomfortable, having tough convos, giving grace to yourself and others, all of that. I believe in working through conflict with people you love vs. throwing in the towel and chopping it up to “fuck that bitch.”And again, confusing because I never did anything outright savage to these ladies. No petty shit, no dropping them cold for months because of new bf, none of the usual tropes you hear. Which is why I’m CONFUSED!

I have CPTSD — and hyper independence and also hyper awareness from it. I’m learning (I’m back in therapy bc of all this) that the hyper independence could be turning people off. I’m also learning that female friendship dynamics can work in very particular and subtle ways, with a “ringleader” they call it, doing very subtle things to ice you out while keeping the other girls in line. And other people will comply out of fear of getting iced out, too.

I don’t even know what this post is. I’m just hurting so fucking bad, gahdamn. I feel like I have swaths of friends creating distance because of this one friend having a long, painful falling out with me. Are all of the recent feelings I’m feeling real, or paranoia? It’s hard to tell when all the group chats you were in suddenly go cold. It’s hard not to internalize that. I’m scared they’re just running wild, talking whatever shit, because again, it feels “good” to have someone to shit on. Your suffering becomes their source of entertainment. And I’m just trying to figure out WHY and WHAT I did. Was I a bad friend to all these girls for the last 5, 6, 7 years?

xoxo Lost as Hell and Also WTF And Also How Can I Be a Better Friend And Also… WTF.

Hi all,

I haven't really faced this issue before so I thought I'd ask over here.

Over the past four years I've built a friends and acquaintance circle in my city and I value these friendships quite a bit.

A couple of years ago there was a new girl who joined the group and I welcomed her with arms wide open until I realized she's obnoxious as fuck and I actually can't stand her at all.. Just to give you an idea, she monopolizes every conversation, always needs to be the center of attention, can start crying at the drop of a hat for an imagined slight and interrupts if I try to talk to people and always brings the attention back to herself in any group setting. Once at the beginning of getting to know her we went for a drink and she talked about herself for 2 hrs straight and didn't ask me a single thing about me and that's when I started to realize who she is. Other times I've caught her telling lies about her accomplishments/family background.

I think others mostly see her as a fun loving individual who loves joining activities but she's been getting on my last nerve. She's also been unemployed for a couple of years and she has a lot of free time and literally joins any group social activity that's proposed by our mutual friends.

I know the logical answer would be to avoid her and not invite her and not to go to things if she will be there but it's really tough because she goes to EVERYTHING and I've been really busy with a new job and only have weekends to socialize, and I really wouldn't like to turn down invitations to friends' bdays or fun group activities just because she will be there yet I know I really don't want to see her or talk to her.

Have you had similar experiences? How did it work out?

WARNING! this is going to be a long one.

I (34F) need some perspective from people who understand high-conflict family dynamics and guilt. I’m really struggling to trust my own judgment right now.

A heavily summarised background: I live and work in the UK, while my family lives in Italy. I have a long, difficult history with my father, who has always been mentally abusive and physically up until I was 16. In the past, whenever I’ve tried to set boundaries or go low-contact, his family viciously attacked me for being "cold" and "ungrateful."

Now: my father was recently admitted to the hospital with a severe neuroinvasive viral illness on top of a chronic condition. He is in the acute phase, and the doctors say he will be hospitalized for weeks, followed by 12+ months of long-term rehabilitation. He is extremely fatigued and can only manage short answers and quiet rest.

My New Job & Work Reality:

To make matters more intense, I have literally just started a brand-new job here in the UK. I am in the critical initial phase of learning my role, establishing myself, and working through settling in. This job is my financial independence, my daily structure, and my safe space. And it's what I've always wanted to do after going back to uni as a mature student. Abandoning it during my first few weeks to fly abroad is a massive professional risk, as this is NOT an employed role and it's project-based, with strict deadlines (of which the first one is on the 26th of October).

The hospital medical team explicitly told me that calling or visiting every day isn't necessary right now. However, his family and ex partner (after my mother and with whom he had a child at 60) is doing what they always do: crowding his bed, expecting him to chat, and demanding that I drop my life in the UK and fly to Italy immediately.

When I cited the doctors' advice and explained that I am still working and waiting on project commitments at my new job, the group chat went passive-aggressive. They are attacking my absence and argue that my non-presence at his bedside is proof that I'm a "bad daughter."

I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I am now terrified of going there. I know that if I step off the plane, they will gang up on me. My body is in complete burnout: I've had persistent headaches, neck and ear pain, and nausea for 5 days, I am not sleeping even with medications. I am completely exhausted trying to manage a new job on top of this terror.

I know rationally that my physical presence won't change his medical outcome, that his brain needs quiet, and that ruining my new job would be reckless. But the guilt of "not being there" and the fear of how I'm being talked about behind my back or even portrayed to him, the fear of him possibly attacking me when/if he gets better is making me freeze. All I would want is for all of them to disappear.

Has anyone else dealt with family using a medical emergency to break your boundaries while you're trying to build your career? How do you cope with the overwhelming guilt?

Any help is appreciated.

My last therapist "Lily" was amazing. She was an NP who had worked in the area I grew up in. I've been in and out of treatment for years, she was the first provider to tell me "the culture around that area is messed up and so are many of the people who live there. You should be proud you escaped.". She just "got me" in many ways and was helping me greatly. She knew that me going back to school for nursing was going to be a rough and emotional time and she'd be there with me.

Last summer she had some drama with Headway. She was booted from their service (she had told me they weren't getting along to warn me some googling showed she isn't alone in thinking they are falling apart as a platform). Headway tried to tell me my insurance no longer supported her, insurance didn't know what they were talking about. Headways customer support chat pretended it didn't know why I was able to rebook and promised someone would email me in two days. Some more googling showed their TOS prevented providers from reaching out to past clients, but could still offer treatment if the client reached out to them. I texted her and we resumed our sessions. I live in NY and her licensed allowed her to practice and prescribe independently.

She missed our appointment the last week of August and I haven't heard from her since. Texts to her are marked unread. No emails. Google isn't giving me an obituary or a news story that she was in a traffic accident. State websites aren't saying she had any disciplinary actions. I have no clues as to what happened. She mentioned having fired clients before, I have no doubt she would have if she just believed she couldn't help me. Despite using "ditched me" in the title, I'm struggling to believe she didn't have a good reason and would be forgiving if she got in touch tomorrow.

All the signs are here that I need to move on. I had a crisis a few days ago and knew I needed to get back into treatment. She was prescribing me a controlled substance. I have a few weeks left. It's an as needed and found another bottle in my medicine cabinet, I briefly thought it was a sign to hold out hope.

Looking for a new provider is exhausting. All of these profiles looked so polished, clean and AI generated. How the hell could I, a girl who grew up rural and poor and was starting a new career path after being unable to find success in her old one, expect these people with impeccably dyed hair and cool tattoos to relate to me? They're all way too sophisticated. None of them would openly curse like Lily did, or confess their own messy past.

Before finding Lily I used another platform. I had the same prejudices mentioned above. It took me weeks for requesting who was available before selecting someone. That person opened our meeting by apologizing. They were moving states and weren't sure why she'd been assigned a new client.

I feel like I just can't do this again. I had a provider who was awesome, lightning just won't strike twice. How do I start the search?

I 32F have been with my husband 42M since I was 20 years old. I feel like he love bombed me early on and it worked. As the years have gone on I feel like he doesn’t put any effort into our marriage unless I beg. I have to beg for dates, he doesn’t sit close to me on the couch, there’s no affection aside from a peck goodbye on the lips before work. He doesn’t have a problem with any of this. I told him I feel very lonely and he just gets mad and defensive. I feel like I just live in a lala land of unrealistic expectations and I don’t know how to get over it and just accept it. It’s a good marriage in other ways, just lonely in the physical affection department.

First want to clarify that I am in no way trying to shame anyone—quite the opposite. I really regret not being more sexually open until recently.

I’m a (very) late bloomer and just lost my virginity recently at 35. Long story short, had a lot of hang ups/shame stemming from a religious upbringing. I’ve long since abandoned these beliefs but that shame/fear really stuck around for too long and made me miss out on a lot. I’ve been making more of an effort to defy it lately and say yes to more things.

One of the things I said yes to was a one night stand with a guy I was only moderately attracted to. I kind of just wanted to get that first time over with so decided to go through with it. The sex was pretty bad, basically zero foreplay and it was unprotected which I know was stupid…it definitely triggered some anxiety the next day even though I knew he pulled out & I took plan b. I know protection is essential, never thought I’d go without it but I think I was just so tired of being afraid I pressured myself into being risky for once.

I’ve been saying for years that I wanted to have a casual sex phase because I never had that experience, but I can’t shake certain fears around it. The whole abstinence education/ STD fearmongering worked on me unfortunately. I’m terrified of getting some permanent/incurable disease and I don’t trust men as far as I can throw them so I’m not just going to believe every guy when he says he’s been tested lately. I feel like the ease of access with the apps has made STDs a lot more common.

All this has me wondering how people just…do this regularly, and how it’s so easy/normal for what seems like everyone else? I feel so self conscious only just figuring this out well into my 30s 😭

I am so jealous of women who can sleep around freely and I’m afraid I’ll never be that fearless. So, ladies who enjoy casual sex, how do you do that without spinning out? Am I just worrying too much? Appreciate any advice…

TL;DR late bloomer trying to become more sexually liberated. Would love any advice from the ladies with boots on the ground.

So, I’m feeling a little uncomfortable and I don’t know if it’s warranted or if I’m overreacting or what.

I work in an office with about 20 other people, mostly women. I enjoy work and my job overall, per our ADP we are allowed 2 weeks (80 hours) of “call out” time, you’re not being paid for these days as to my understanding you’re allowed to call out for whatever reason and simply not come into work.

I’ve worked here for 9 months and used 4 of these days for very personal reasons pertaining to myself, my kids and even my ex husband. When I first called out my boss pestered me as to why, and since I’m not in the business of lying I gave him a brief explanation, then he seemed to press on for more information. At first I thought he was being caring but I’m a private person and I just want to go into work, do the job and go home.

Over the next 3 call out days I used it was the same thing, very much so pressing me for details, reasons etc.

At the beginning of this week he went to each of our cubicles asking how our weekend was, he came to mine and said something like “what story is it today?” And I was really taken aback.

A few things 1) I felt like I needed to explain myself to keep my job, but why am I even explaining my call outs at all if I’m allowed up to 80 hours? Secondly I’m now uncomfortable about how much he knows about my life, and that comment. My question is, is this normal in an office? How much do you tell your boss when you use your time off? And how would you proceed now? Or am I just overreacting?

I (31F) just broke things off with a man (33M) that I was seeing for 4 months. He was an amazingly kind person but humor was missing in our dynamic. Prior to meeting him, I’d gone on 4 first dates. 2 of those 4 dates progressed to 3-5 dates, but ultimately didn’t lead anywhere. Prior to those 4 dates, I was single and not dating for 8 months while healing from a relationship that I was in for most of my 20s.

So in total, I’ve gone on 5 first dates and gotten to somewhat know 1 person outside of my one longterm relationship.

When y’all were dating, did y’all date around to see what you needed and wanted in a partner? Or is this something you just intuitively knew? Do you think dating around is important to understanding your needs / wants? I definitely have non-negotiables but it seems like everyone I meet has different percentages of qualities that make up my non-negotiable pie, if that makes sense.

Hey all so I had about a three year extremely stressful period, mostly related to a relationship, family dynamics stress and developed some health issues from it.

The thing is, now I have zero capacity to do anything social. Maybe a random lunch with a certain friend super close by like once a season. Otherwise, I just don't have it in me. I know that I still get really tired early in the evening so I choose not to have any evening plans anymore. I tried for a little while to do some social things - hikes, dates, even talking on the phone sometimes. And still that was too much.

But also I'm just genuinely not interested in other people for some reason. And I think I still have a ton of feelings like I want my time and energy for me, probably to the extreme.

And I just don't get it. I was never that social, but I always had some social life. And, as longas it was the right people, I liked it. It's like I just get immediately exhausted, even if it was something I think I could find fun.

But also these days, I don't get normal social interactions from school or work, so it's like everything has to be a planned event at some place. And I think I don't enjoy that as much as just getting lunch with some coworkers or something.