r/AskWomenOver30

Was added on Facebook by a local law enforcement officer, and he started messaging me. Said he's seen me working around town, and has been dying to talk to me for years.

I'm recently divorced, and I made it clear I had no immediate intentions of dating, but that talking was fine.

Fast forward two weeks of on and off chatting, and he's sitting in one of the areas I work at regularly this morning. He flashes his lights, so I pull in, and (mind you, this is the first time I've ever seen this man), he says hi, says that he's so excited to meet me, and was hoping I'd go by there this morning, and out of nowhere this man grabs my face and kisses me. Not violently, he just... does it. Like, a big kiss, not a soft peck.

Now, I haven't kissed another man in years. Hell, I haven't kissed anyone in at least two years. I'd be dead ass lying if I said I didn't like it at least a little, but mostly it spiked my anxiety, since I wasn't expecting it AT ALL. Our conversations have been super tame and above board.

I'm touch starved, trying to find my place in the world again, but again, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to kiss him again. But is this red flag behavior? I don't want to get into a messy situation after just getting out of one.

EDIT: Okay you guys, this is red flag behavior, as you all have agreed on. I blocked him and screenshot everything.

I would like to clarify- I don't work AT this place, I work throughout the entire town, I'm a landscaper. It's just a building with flower beds, not "my work". Still creepy AF though, I agree.

Doesn't have to be feminist in nature (but can be) or any particular subject genre.

I am trying to read more books written by women. Bonus points for non-white women but ethnicity/racial background isnt the primary goal.

My favourite books written by women include:

The Vegetarian by Han Kang

Circe by Madeline Miller

Pachincko by Min Jin Lee

The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

Honorable mention due to its impact:

The Rape of Nanking by Iris Chang

I need advice for switching my mind and body out of high-adrenaline, fast-moving "work mode." How do you force that transition at the end of the workday?

I recently switched roles at work and while I love what I'm doing, my work naturally puts me into high alert mode all day. I'm moving quickly, responding to things as they come at me, and my work doesn't have a natural stopping point. I have to choose to end my day. It's a forced stop, so there's no natural wind-down.

I'm finding that when I leave the office, my body and mind are still pumping with adrenaline and stress. My commute is 15-20 minutes in traffic, so it's not exactly relaxing or meditative haha. When I walk in the door at home, I'm exhausted but high-strung (but not in a bad mood).

I need to find ways to signal to my brain and body that work is over and it's time to let go of the tension. Any suggestions are welcome!!

I know there are different ways to be smart and different types of intelligence, but this is for women who get complimented on how smart they are or get told things like "you're smarter than me/you're the smart one". In your experience do people treat you better or worse once they realize or "decide" you're smart?

I really deeply genuinely hate that I am on the internet asking this at 32 fucking years old but I can't get out of my own head so I figured I would just put it out there.

I know that everyone's timelines are different but is there a rough estimate of how long you should be in the "talking" stage before you can start to expect someone to become official with you?

I have had 2 long term relationships the past 8 years (4 years each) and I'm in my 30s now and don't know how these things work anymore. It's been a month, which I understand is not long, and I want to ask this guy if he is just messing around/wants to be friends only (which is valid - everyone is allowed to want what they want) or if he wants a relationship with me but I don't want to risk giving him the ick because I really like him.

(This is embarrassing, I feel like a teenager. I'll probably delete this in 5 minutes!)

Any advice helps. I am not getting any younger and do not want to waste time with someone who is unserious because I would like to actually get married someday if at all possible!

EDIT for more context: We have been talking a little over a month (we knew each other for years and reconnected recently) and have seen each other every weekend. We have gone on dates, been to each other's houses, kissed, held hands, call each other pet names, we talk on the phone every day and check in with each other through text throughout the day. He has told me he has a history of ending things with people before it gets serious because he has been burned in the past so that's what I am nervous about I guess, I don't want to get my hopes up.

I’ve lived in walking-based cities my entire life, but recently moved somewhere quite rural where I need to drive a car to go to most places. I used to get 10k daily steps without even thinking about it - usually more - just going about my day.

I’ve signed up for a gym here, but I used to work out before too, so it’s not really making up for it. Tried working out for longer and harder, but it tires me out if I take it too far and then I find I don’t have as much energy for work, cooking, hobbies, etc.

I was recently back home for two weeks and was amazed at how much better I felt when I was sitting less and moving around more, not just physically but also mentally. I’ve considered getting a walking pad but I worry it will go into storage once it loses its novelty, and there are only so many countryside walks I can go for in any given week. I try to keep busy at home when I’m not working, but pottering around in the kitchen just isn’t the same.

Any tips?

I walked out on my partner 2.5 weeks ago and have since been staying with my parents until he moves out at the end of the month. It was my home before it was his. Long story short, he had a whole host of serious issues, namely substance abuse and dependency (alcohol and weed). The only time he was ever fully sober was while at work…enough said. The last few months were brutal. I nursed him through an Achilles tear, helped him navigate his way out of a toxic job…the list goes on. We stopped having sex, my bids for connection were chronically dismissed, I was living on the edge and broke when he tried to take off on a solo vacation without talking to me (which was something he had previously done). Enough was enough!

This relationship made me a secure and boundaried woman and I am so damn proud of myself. I feel it was the final boss of shitstorm relationships and I have this intuitive feeling my husband is right around the corner. I’m of course still grieving, but I’m clearer and feel more whole with each passing day. I turned 36 in April and while I spent months being worried I was too old to find love again, I’m no longer of that mind.

Now that I’ve taken my time and energy back, I am going to prioritize finances and friendships. Sadly my last remaining friend in my city recently moved. Oddly enough all my friends live out of province. But I’m committed to putting myself out there and making meaningful connections.

Just wanted to get this post out to cheer on anyone who might be in a similar position. We’ve got this :)

It’s a random ass day, random ass time, you feel the urge to just make your partner side eye you—perhaps even scratch their head and question why y’all are even together.

What would you ask your partner?

If you get a life-changing opportunity to work in another country, and you're in your late 30s, would you make the move?

Here's my situation.

I'm married for a decade and living in a country where I wasn't a native. Honestly, it's been such a long time that it's hard to summarize. My marriage has felt like it's been me trying to build alone, with my husband mostly checked out. His career was always a priority, so there was always a lot of neglect.

Over the years, I went through trying to show him how nice it'd be if we spend time together, to crying and begging to spend time together, to getting an autoimmune condition, and ultimately checking out and building my own career. That worked well for a while until I hit the ceiling of how far I can go in this country.

Burnout, depression, autoimmune inflammation, and total collapse came for me last year and I ended up leaving my senior role.

I thought maybe I could work part-time on my own business and make an intentional pause. But as I stayed home, I saw that my husband stopped helping out, leaving everything on my shoulders. I couldn't recover and I keep relapsing into burnout.

On top of that, I'm running out of cashflow, and though he promised to help, he went now says he has no money. He earns in the top 5%, but because we took a mortgage a few years ago, he says all his money goes toward that.

However, the math isn't mathing since he refuses to cut back on expenses. The only one of us cutting is me. When I bring this up, he says I can always ask him for money. But I don't want to ask for little, little things and always have to negotiate spending. I'm not a spendthrift person by any means. But I hate asking.

In a moment of desperation, I started applying to jobs in two other cities (in two other countries) where I could see my life working out due to proximity to family and work culture. And one of the offers has almost worked out so now I have to contemplate actually moving.

If I take the offer, I have the opportunity to go far in a very diverse and well-known company. I'll be living closer to my sister. But I'd be moving alone with my dog. The apartment will probably be smaller and the weather colder.

If I don't take the offer, I'll be in the same situation I described above. But I'd be living in a place I co-own. The weather is only slightly better. I'd look for work at a local company and will likely not reach my potential or even get an offer that reflects my experience.

I've moved countries once before and started my life from scratch. And I'm afraid of doing it again. New rules, new language, new culture.

If you were in my situation, what would you do? Would you take the leap? I've been married and living together so long, I'm so afraid of being on my own again. Please share your perspective.

I'm pretty new when it comes to privacy. The most I do is enable 2FA on my accounts, avoid reusing passwords, and keep my social media accounts private.

Lately, with everything going on in the world and my husband talking more about privacy tools, it's making me realize how little I actually do for my safety online.

Do you take your privacy seriously? If yes, do you have any tips or recommendations on how to be more secure? Thank you.

Does anybody else find themselves reminiscing a lot? I feel like I do this more often now than I ever did. I’m 35 this year and I look back on previous years and all the things I did or didn’t do I think about high school relationships and friendships and I often wonder how those people are doing and I also wonder what it would be like to see them and talk to them again. The last two years I’ve been going to a lot more concerts because most of the pop punk and emo bands I listened to in high school have been doing 20 year anniversary tours, so that’s also really made me remember and think about the past. This one band in particular was introduced to me by my very first boyfriend in eighth grade and it reminds me of him to this very day. My best friend and he went and saw them three times and I wished that I could message him and tell him, but it would be disrespectful to both of our marriages and probably a little weird.

Anyways, does anybody else get super reminiscent and nostalgic like this? I love my life and I am very blessed so it has nothing to do with anything like that. I’m not unhappy or bored or anything and my marriage is great. I just find myself remembering things and thinking about the past more now than I ever did in my 20’s.

Hi, I am writing this completely heartbroken and hopeless. I know there are many people here asking the same question but I feel like my life is over regarding dating. I am soon turning 34 and stuck in a super abusive relationship (actually engaged for 3 years) and I am afraid of breaking up because I feel like I will never again find a partner. This relationship just drained me in so many ways and it looked good on paper but he was very emotionally abusive. And I was so stupid and gave him so many chances.

Are here any girls who met their husband after 35? And even had children? And how did you cope with dating and these negative thoughts about dating? (aka. "I am too old now" "Men will not be interested in me or in a relationship because I am 34")

And yes, I am now focusing on my career and try to make new friends it's just hard for me because I actually isolated myself for years.

Not how often are you having it but is it a regular part of your conversation or basically never really discussed?

Something flipped at 38 and I barely wear makeup, after being an Ulta loyalist for years. I feel like it’s expensive and actually ages me now. I’m loving a more natural look lately. Maybe this is the beginning of the freeing feeling in getting older.

For work I have a 20 minute train journey followed by a 30 minute wait for my next train, on the way home I have a different commute but still around 40 minutes. I’m not big into scrolling on my phone and kind of stopped listening to music on my commute, I’m sensitive to noise so I really relish quiet time. At the moment I basically just spend my time thinking and looking around during my commute which is fine but I’d like to reclaim at least a little bit of that time for some fun.

I like to read but can’t focus in public, even if I have earplugs or noise cancelling headphones, the movement of people around me also distracts me. I also don’t enjoy audiobooks and would rather not do something sound related.

I’m super creative and draw a lot but don’t really want to do it in public because it’s something I prefer to do in private.

I like puzzles but suck at them other than sudoku and occasionally connections. I’ve seen people knit and crochet on the train which I’ve tried before but I also kind of suck at it (although I’m open to trying this again).

I have a switch but don’t really want to take it out with me every day and I literally never see people my age playing a switch in public so I’d feel a bit silly.

I’ve tried learning languages but it feels more like a productivity thing to me rather than just a fun activity, I don’t have a lot of brain power for it before/after work.

I know that takes away a lot of options that people generally suggest but is there anything else I could do? I feel like there must be other things out there besides these handful of activities.

Thanks in advance!!!
(Please don’t be mean to me for having a list of things I don’t want to do hahaha)

Those who are very independent, how big of a struggle is being in a relationship for you? And if it's a struggle, how do you reconcile with that struggle?

My struggle is the mental issue that my individuality is lessened. Like people will mention me as partner's spouse. I want to be known as me and not his spouse. Or people i thought were mutual friends always inviting him to things via text then telling him to include me (i now see these people as more of his friends.)

Okay so we all know the types of friends who harbor bad behaviors we gotta break up with in the long run.

But what about that beloved friend you have where you love them to death but they definitely get on your nerve/make mistakes in your eyes from time to time? And they tolerate yours in return because you both know you’re different people going through your own personal trial and error that is our lives.

What traits/behaviors/tendencies/ or even incidents have you tolerated with your friends?

I’ll just be blunt— I’m quite the silly gal. I’ve always been a playful person, I love banter. I’m someone who will crack a joke or find someway to lighten the mood.

The person I’m dating however… we just never have that fun back and forth banter. He laughs at my goofiness but I don’t feel like we have that humor-connection that I’ve had with past partners. Honestly, he’s just not very funny. I feel bad saying this but sometimes when I’ve seen him try to make a joke around others & myself, he takes it too far and it gets uncomfortable.

I’m curious, how many of you in serious relationships are having banter, make each other laugh, etc??.. or is your partner rather plain in the humor department and you’re getting your humor fix elsewhere?

I think his disposition being so opposite of me is intriguing but i don’t know if it’s sustainable. I love to laugh!

I’m 34, and last week I caught myself choosing my shoes based on whether my lower back would hate me by dinner.That sounds so minor, but it made me laugh a little because ten years ago I would have worn whatever looked better and dealt with the consequences later. Now I’m thinking about shoes, sleep, sitting too long, carrying too many bags at once, and whether I’m going to regret pretending my body has unlimited patience.I don’t feel old exactly. It’s more like my body has become less forgiving when I act careless for too many days in a row.But the tiny unglamorous habits actually make a difference. I kind of hate that adulthood rewards being practical.

tldr; complicated feelings about partner’s friend break up

I (30F) have been seeing a guy (33M) for about 8 months who I met on a dating app. He told me about 4 months in about N, a friend of his, who he also met on a dating app about 6 months before he met me and went on one date with, before suggesting that they be friends, because he didn’t feel attraction to her but felt that they could be good friends. They’ve been hanging out one-on-one, have gone on hikes alone, and she’s been inviting him to her work and volunteer events. She knows I’m in the picture but we’ve never met. Once he told me about her, I felt a bit insecure about the friendship given that they did meet on the apps and I asked him to let me know when he would be seeing her and to not hang out with her one-on-one, and that I wasn’t fine with them doing things that could have potential romantic undertones, because I didn’t know if she was romantically attracted to him. He agreed and reiterated that he wasn’t romantically interested in her.

Recently, he invited her on a hike with two of his male friends and didn’t tell me until after the fact — I had an intense reaction to being told after the hike, because I have a history of past partners cheating on me with their close female friends, and withholding information about said friends. He apologized, saying that he was feeling avoidant about how I would react to her coming on the hike and that it was a stupid move. She later texted him, asking if he was interested in a more intimate hangout. He told me about the text and that he would end the friendship with her, that he didn’t feel good about the wording she used, and that he’s not sure that she’s not romantically interested in or pursuing him. However, when he texted her saying that it would be better for them to be no contact, she got upset that he was ending the friendship over text. So he ended up calling her to explain and comfort her. He’s been communicative about this but also says he feels sad about ending the friendship but that was the best move. He’s also been very forward with saying that the friend breakup was his decision and for me to not feel blame or guilt about it (if I do).

I have complicated feelings about this. For one, I think her reaction makes me feel like she did have feelings for him and was putting out feelers to see if he reciprocated those feelings. I also don’t want to be controlling or have resentment towards him or from him towards me about this friendship break up in terms of him withholding information or me ignoring my boundaries around his friendships. Any advice on how to navigate this situation and any boundaries around future female friendships going forward?