Here’s the thing I’ve noticed a lot, and I’m included in this demographic. Some of us stay attracted to our partner, romantically and sexually but honestly some of us lose that connection of intimacy. Just curious what it’s been for others.
CONTEXT:
I lift 3x per week: Monday, Wednesday, Friday. My workout usually takes 45 minutes. I typically bring my laptop into the basement and start working two hours early, answering emails between sets. I don't sweat that much, but I am very stinky after the workout. Also, I get sports bra rash if I skip the shower and just change out of gym clothes.
I cannot figure out how to get my shower routines under 1 hour. I end up signing back into work at 8am with wet hair, sometimes still in a towel. I turn my camera off during morning stand up on shower days. Then, after stand up, I can finally finish drying my hair.
I don't fart around either. I am seriously rushing the entire time. I get a "stressful period" alert from my garmin watch after I finish my shower routine every single time.
MY ROUTINE:
Start shower. While water heats up, do the following:
Begin shower:
Post shower:
Hair:
My everything shower routine is horrible. I hate doing them because it takes 3 hours minimum. I only do them on weekends, typically every 3 weeks. In addition to what I listed above, these routines include tinting and tweezing brows, shaving legs, trimming the bush, shaving around panty line, doing a sheet mask, removing toe nail polish, and clipping toe nails.
In the past, I've tried braiding my hair instead of diffusing. This saved a ton of time, but the moisture caused a fungal infection on my scalp. I can't wear a wet braid/bun or sleep with wet hair.
QUESTIONS:
Tell me about your shower routine. What does yours involve, how long does it take? How long is your "everything" shower routine? How long is your "I just finished in the gym but I have to sign into work soon" shower routine? Trying to figure out how others do it, and how I can optimize my time.
For those who have experienced a dead bedroom, does it ever get better? How?
I had the realization yesterday that it was the 3 year anniversary of my partner (37M) and I (31F) having real issues with our sex life. I feel like no matter when I do, it has never improved.
We’ve tried couples therapy for 8-ish months and recently stopped going as I felt like we weren’t progressing, and it was honestly causing more stress. He said he dreaded going every week.
When we do have sex, it honestly feels awkward for me, and makes me a bit sad that I even feel awkward. My partner is the first person in years that I felt real true passion for at the beginning, so the fact that he made no or little effort to initiate or reciprocate hurt me deeply. Emblematic of our issue was the time I stood in front of him naked, and point blank asked him if he wanted to have sex, and he responded by saying he had chores to do and left the room while I broke down into tears. He later said that it was too forward, so I asked what he would prefer I do instead. He didn’t have an answer.
I recently told him that I had put myself out there enough, and the rejection had become too much. He said he is still very attracted to me, but I have no desire to initiate anymore, as a protective mechanism.
I’m starting to lose hope in this relationship. I have loved him more than anyone, and saw a real future with him, but I want to feel desired and loved. We don’t even go to sleep at the same time anymore. Is there any hope for salvaging a relationship struggling with a dead bedroom? How?
Also, we have no kids, spend most of our weekends together with quality time.
been seeing a guy for 2 months. have known each other a decade as coworkers. started off with dates and now that we’ve slept together, we mostly just hangout at my house. he does help with me things around the house and drives me around to run errands but since sleeping together, things have shifted. hes still affectionate and talks to me regularly but at the same time, he hasn’t told anyone about me, not a single person, and makes a point of not going places where certain people will see us (we are coworkers). while I agree that we shouldn’t tell anyone at work just yet, the fact that he’s keeping me completely a secret is making me feel a way. We’re also not exclusive or in any sort of commitment yet. I did sort of bring it up a couple weeks ago but he said it’s a conversation for later.
I’m started to feel like I’m just convenient for him. He can come over, have sex, have food made for him and laugh without making it a thing. I have a deep fear that I’m on the back burner until he finds someone he’s serious about. But that’s likely just some unprocessed insecurity from my last 7 year relationship. aside from actually having a conversation with him, what is your advice for me? Thanks. probably too old to be this lost and possibly dumb but here I am
This is probably a little bit of a controversial question, but every time I see someone comment in this group that they have a good partner that loves, respects them, and treats them well, I snoop a bit on their page and they are usually people with a traditional and socially desired type of beauty, which I wonder is a piece of them finding such good partner to begin with.
this doesn’t come from a place of jealousy, but out of curiosity as someone who does not and will never fit that mold (i’m a POC, pretty enough but not overly desirable by American/Western standards) i genuinely am curious.
I'm turning 30 next month, and I've been struggling with a decision.
I recently came out of a breakup. I'm doing much better now and feel mostly healed, but I wouldn't say I'm 100% there yet.
I’ve generally had a decent dating pool with a good number of quality matches. But I haven’t really come across someone who feels this genuinely understanding, emotionally mature, and emotionally safe in the same way. Recently, I met someone who stands out in that sense. He feels kind, stable, and someone I could realistically see myself marrying.
The confusion is that, while I really value him, another part of me feels I should stay single for a while. I feel that if I take some time over the next year or two to focus on healing and personal growth, I could transform a lot as a person before settling down.
At the same time, I’m also a bit scared.
I worry that after 30, the dating pool might change in terms of quality or availability, or that I may not be considered as easily for the kind of relationship I want. That fear makes me wonder if I should move forward with something good that’s already in front of me instead of waiting. But emotionally, I still feel like I might need more time before I fully commit.
So I’d really love to hear from women who are 30+:
I’m especially looking for real experiences from women who have been through this phase.
As it reads. After (many) relationships and a breakup with a good guy last night, I’m well aware I’m the toxic one.
For a bit of backstory: I struggle hard with trusting men, classic daddy issues and after being in an abusive relationship and catching previous partners messaging/flirting with other women, lying about friends that were more, etc. it’s gotten to the point where my anxious attachment is incredibly severe. I don’t date bad men, per se. I think on the whole they’ve been good men but have made silly decisions, partially because of my tendencies towards treating them with suspicion.
Even when with my now ex partner who has been very patient and truly cares for me, sticking through months of disagreements and accusations as a result of my anxiousness - I can’t seem to stop the toxic behavior.
He said it feels like he’s walking on eggshells. Has isolated himself partially due to being worried about me questioning who he’s meeting or talking to or even being worried to check his platonic female friend’s messages because he isn’t sure how I’ll react. We’ve almost broken up many times before, I’ve gone through his phone, can’t seem to stop obsessively checking his follower count or being hyper vigilant, looking for signs that he’s trying to get with other women.
He’s not the first partner (or even generally people) who have told me that. I do have a hard time regulating emotion but it’s something I’ve actively worked on throughout the years and now in therapy.
He’s right - there’s a baseline feeling of distrust from my side, which I have a very hard time distinguishing between if that’s a gut feeling or just a product of my nervous system and anxiety getting triggered. The end result is my anxiety flairs and he is left negatively impacted from the fights and constant questioning - even when I logically recognize nothing is going on and I have no reason to distrust after he’s chosen to stay with me (for a year; and we live together).
I’m 32. At this point I’m seriously doubting my own ability to heal these toxic behaviors. I hate that I’ve lost a good person as a result of my anxious attachment and mental health. I’m trying - in therapy, making an effort to create a support network outside of him, recognizing I’m a large part of the issue.
My question is - if you’ve healed your anxious attachment, what finally made it click? If I couldn’t make it work with a partner who is healthy - am I doomed? Be harsh with me, at this point I think I need to hear it.
Thanks for reading the novel, and for any advice.
There’s obviously been a huge increase in beauty standards lately. I’ve always been insecure about how I look and have done a lot of inner work on that, but I know there are real, effective things people do to get to their best self. What have you done that made a genuine difference?
Skin: I have patchy, red skin and lean on makeup to cover it, which apparently reads as “too much.” I’ve spent a lot of time and money trying to manage the redness itself, not just cover it. If you dealt with anything similar what actually worked long term, and what was a waste of money?
Makeup: I just did a color match at MAC and it’s clearly too green undertone for me. what foundation or concealer helps without looking cakey?
Eyebrows: I was a 2010 over plucker snd have had them microbladed but they are incredibly un even and do not suit my face. They are bleach blonde naturally and very bushy so I do minor upkeep with dying them weekly and cleaning up some strays but otherwise try and not touch them anymore.
I caught my reverse reflection on a Teams call recently and it was slightly horrifying. Seeing my face the way everyone else actually sees it made me realize how much I’d been ignoring.
I get Dysport every few months and have had to shorten the intervals as I’ve gotten into my 30s, not sure if that’s relevant.
Basically I want my whole look, skin, brows, makeup, to feel like a well put together, neutral version of myself. Not chasing trends, just want something that works. Appreciate any real experience!
I've been going back and forth in my own head for weeks now, so I'd really appreciate outside opinions because I honestly don't trust my own judgment anymore. Disclaimer: long post ahead!
My (ex) bf 37, and I were together for about 8 years. We broke up once, got back together, and now I think it's over again. The thing is, if someone asked me whether he was a bad person, I'd probably say no. That's why this is so confusing. At the same time, I don't know if I can spend my life feeling the way I felt with him. After all those years he kinda feels like family also. He did ask me to marry him several times and i always said yes but i want to wait till we solve some issues i will mention below.
The first breakup happened because our relationship had become almost completely sexless due to his erectile disfunction issue. This wasn't a few months. It had been years. I felt unwanted and unattractive for a very long time. I tried talking about it, I even cried and begged him to go see a doctor, he always said yes but didnt take any action. He always blamed everything on "our" stresful lives (we were doing a phd) and he kept insisting that his ED was mostly due to me searching for jobs and dealing with graduation and all that. I tried to communicate life is not always butterflies and sooth sailing, yet he kept bringing the same issue almost saying because of me. Eventually I couldn't do it anymore and I ended the relationship.
After we broke up, he came back and we started talking again. During those conversations he suggested an open relationship and then us getting married asap. I said no immediately. I didn't need time to think because I already knew my answer. That turned into an argument because he said I reject ideas too quickly, that I never think about things properly, that I'm not solution oriented and that I should at least consider it. I remember thinking that I shouldn't have to defend why I don't want an open relationship.
A while later he apologized. He said he didn't know what he was talking about, that he had panicked, that he hadn't really understood what an open relationship meant, and he asked me to give him another chance. I loved him and eight years is a long time, so I did.
When we got back together, we also tried having sex again. I had really hoped things would be different. Instead it was basically a quick kiss, he went straight into intercourse, finished within a couple of minutes and that was it. I asked him, "Is that all?" because I genuinely couldn't believe it. I wasn't trying to humiliate him. I was hurt. Instead of asking me what I was missing or why I felt disappointed, he got upset and started saying that I was making him feel inadequate and small. He was very surprised that I hadn't enjoyed it at all. I remember asking him, "What exactly did you do to make me enjoy it?" and he said something like, "Maybe next time." I cried afterwards because I felt even more undesirable than before.
Looking back, I think that's actually the point where I started realizing the biggest issue wasn't even sex anymore. It was communication. I constantly felt like my own experiences were up for debate.
If I told him someone had upset me, instead of first understanding why, he'd often explain why they probably didn't mean it that way. If I said I felt disrespected by something he did, I'd end up having to convince him that I really felt disrespected instead of talking about why I felt that way.
One thing that happened really stayed with me. There was a period where there was no heating or hot water in our apartment because of maintenance. I dealt with almost everything myself. I argued with the landlord, arranged temporary shower, coordinated with neighbours and spent hours trying to solve practical problems. At the end of the day I told him I actually felt proud because I'd managed to get so much done. His response was that he'd vacuumed and gone grocery shopping. I wasn't comparing us. I just wanted someone to say, "That sounds like a really difficult day."
Another time I told him I wanted to spend one hour a week volunteering as an English conversation partner for a Ukrainian woman. Instead of just saying it sounded nice, the conversation somehow became about whether I should really be spending that time on volunteering instead of focusing on our relationship.
There were dozens of little conversations like that. None of them sound dramatic when I write them individually, which is exactly why I've been doubting myself so much. But they all left me with exactly the same feeling. I felt like I constantly had to defend my own reality.
Then came the bedbug situation.
I stayed at his apartment and later ended up bringing bedbugs home from his place. He didnt tell me he saw some at his place before. I only learnt after I was complaining of getting bitten. He thought I would panic unnecesarrily so he didnt tell me before. My entire life became washing everything I owned, finding exterminators, worrying about my elderly cat, staying in hotels during treatment, barely sleeping and trying to survive while I was also under enormous stress at work. He did pay for exterminators and hotel stay for me and the cat as he felt responsible. And he did buy me a steam cleaner to clean my apartment from bedbugs after i found out. During all of that he really wanted to move in together, and said things like how we are behind of life and we have to start our lives finally. He hated his apartment and wanted us to finally start our life together with mortgage, kids etc.. I understand why he wanted that, but I kept telling him I genuinely couldn't think about moving, houses or planning a future because I was overwhelmed just trying to get through each day. Maybe in a few months we talk this through but first i wanted to survive. He fought with me over this two times and kept on asking at least 5 times on different days after i said no. He said things like this time he is asking me kindly, another time he said him.moving in will.help me with rent and bedbugs and it is for the best etc... everytime I had to say no and explain my state of sleep deprivation and feeling the ick that his house was actually the main infestation point. I felt I had to keep saying the same thing over and over again.
The same happened with planning a trip abroad. I kept saying I couldn't make decisions because I was overwhelmed. A few days later we'd be having the same conversation again.
Eventually I told him I feel like I spend this relationship defending my own reality.I told him I don't feel respected.
His answer was basically that he does respect me, that he wasn't doing those things, that he was just trying to help and that I'm misunderstanding him and making a big deal of everything. He said he wasnt insisting or asking anything repeatedly, he claimes he nicely asked things maybe 2 times. He even said me not letting him move in even after him asking so much is very hurtful to him and how come i dont consider my own bad behavior because he is speaking very logically.
And this is where I'm completely stuck. I don't think he's a monster. But I also don't think I've ever been so mentally exhausted by a relationship.
The worst part is that I've started questioning myself. I keep wondering whether these are actually tiny issues that every couple has and I've somehow blown them up because of my own childhood or anxiety. Then another part of me thinks that maybe I've been ignoring something important for years. I honestly don't know anymore. I also keep thinking, he is maybe my last chance for getting married and having kids. Also living in a foreign country away from family and not having a great support system doesnt help and he is the closest thing that i have to a family here.
If you read all of this as an outsider, does this sound like someone throwing away a good relationship over small things?
I turned 30 last week and for the most part I feel really good about it! My 20’s were hectic and I moved all over the country to establish my career. I’m ready to settle into who I am and start a new chapter.
Other people’s perceptions seem to be quite different. There’s been lots of jokes about how I’m getting old, and even more comments about how I’m doomed to never marry, need to be thinking about children (that I don’t want), etc.
I want to hear your positives! What good things happened to you since turning 30? What got better? What have you learned?
I want the good stuff!
I feel like a bit of a hypocrite.
I (35yo) judge mature men who date women in their early 20s.
For example, one of my colleagues is a competent and fiery but insecure young woman of 23 and she has started dating another colleague of ours who is a 46 year old man (they are in different departments, so at least he is not her manager or anything). I do not approve. At all. Of course she doesn't need my approval, but I think he is a huge loser. He even cheated on her and she took him back. I want to shake her and tell her he can't find a woman his age who will put up with his shit, that a man like this could steal her youth, that he isn't even cute or rich, that one day she will be as old as he is now and she will see how much of a sad sack he is.
But then in the past few years I have gotten a lot of attention from men in their early 20s. I have had multiple flings with young men ranging ages 22 to 25. I have always made it clear it is just a casual thing and I haven't inflicted any emotional damage on them as far as I can tell. I personally am not interested in a serious relationship with someone drastically younger than me; I would never ever enter into the kind of relationship my colleagues are in.
I tell myself it is different, these situations cannot be compared. I tell myself there is an inherent power imbalance between women and men, and so when men date younger women, the exploitative dynamic is exacerbated. But when women date younger, the power imbalance gets corrected slightly. I try to be conscientious of my greater experience in my interactions with these young men, but I do not trust older men to do the same when they date younger women.
But I shouldn't leave this double standard examined. In the interest of resolving cognitive dissonance, I would like to hear your thoughts.
I left a very toxic relationship of over 13 years. However, I don't feel doomed for love or hate men regardless how awful this man was to me because I know not all men are like that. It's been about 3 months since I left and have gone through many stages. I'm not exactly looking for a relationship right now but instead healing, learning and unlearning things, and working on career goals. I am keeping an open mind with love, I don't want to live in fear or harden my heart because that's what I experienced in that relationship.
I was recently asked about my outlook in love after my experience. It made me realize that I don’t see this area of my life doomed even though I went through so much it would ruin someone’s perception in love and trust. Because I've been surrounded by strong women who have also been in unhealthy relationships and finally in healthy ones, it's been also helping me, inspirationally.
I'm feeling curious of other women that are or have been in the same boat before they finally found someone that changed their outlook in love drastically. I’m also curious what helped you? Maybe someone can come across this and it can help them ♥️
I have a medical condition that I’ve been working through (vaginismus) that has prevented me from having PIV sex. I’m in my early thirties and I’m starting to panic about it honestly. I’d like to ultimately try with the right person but sometimes I get so in my head about my age and lack of experience. Not to mention societal commentary about someone in their thirties not having had PIV sex. Anyone else in this boat—maybe not a medical issue, but some other reason—and end up having sex in your thirties for the first time? I’d love to hear stories!
As the title asks. Is it fleeting, does it linger, and do you consider it a healthy balance?
I really like how doing heatless overnight curls with a rod and hair ties leaves my hair. But I always feel like it gets loose overnight and last night it apparently got so uncomfortable that I took it off in my sleep. Any tips?
I entered one while understanding we can date other people and then got told by the person I was a backup plan while they see how that goes. I ended it extremely upset and he told me I overreacted and said as long as we don’t sleep together it’s not cheating.
EDIT: Didn’t want a relationship with this guy. Was more upset with the fact he told me they were exclusive as we’re flirting with each other and then called me a backup plan.
I'm nervous posting about my relationship because it's hard to know the people in these stories purely via text, but I think I need advice from people my age.
I am a divorced 36yr old lady, dating a 30yr old man and we have been together for 3 years. We are both chefs. I have high standards, I need a plan, but I try to go with the flow when possible or needed.
Let's call him Jack. Jack is really chill, usually never makes plans, and usually goes with other peoples plans. He has a past that includes drugs, and crime. He was in prison for 3 years, but I feel like most people wouldn't guess it. He recently quit smoking cigarettes' too, but still smokes weed, in all of his free time.
We both worked on the 4th, I am a pastry chef, so I work earlier and got of a little late, after 3p. We work at the same business, just different kitchens. He is usually off at 4p but stayed a couple of extra hours to make bread for a special.
He called me while he was at work to get help with his bread, and I also tried to ask him about plans for later. He had nothing on plans. The day previous we talked about how we both didn't really care about the 4th, and we didn't have plans. His plan was to watched soccer and "chill".
I mentioned that I might want to drive somewhere to see fire works and he seemed happy with that and mentioned a spot we could go, and said he'd take me there for fireworks show. Since we don't liver together, we usually have to coordinate if I'm going to his to pick him up, or meet him at a place. My apt is in the opposite direction, so it would make less sense for him to come here.
When he got off, He called, mostly to tell me about how his bread turned out. I tried to ask him about plans, if he was going to come to me, or otherwise. He just said he didn't know, and he was tired. He probably didn't like the idea of coming to me, but didn't state that. He avoids negative answers, or when he thinks the answer is not going to be liked by the person. So he normally wont say anything if he thinks it's the answer you don't want to hear. I was busy doing my side job (content creation) but we continued messaging.
Jack: My moms trying to go to my aunts right now
Me: We can to your aunties - is it not early though? - you come meet me here? I'm also curious about the bay (the place we had originally planned to go)
Jack: It’s opposite direction to your house. And idk what time they’ll do the big show but people light them off all day long on the beach.
Me: What do u want to do? - Cuz I thought u was gonna originally not do anything? And then you were gonna do something with me.
Jack: Yeah I didn’t have plan. I stayed at work late and both my mom and uncle texted me to let me know if I wanted to go there for the 4th I could. But my mom is leaving now. So I wanted to just go with her because you’re streaming. And then you can come whenever your done with stream.
Me: Idk if I want to go to there. I was kinda pumped about the Bay. N i was hoping to nap maybe - I took drugs too so idk if I can drive - U can go, but I can't promise I'll make it.
Jack: Okay
Me: R u ending the convo? - Im just bummed cuz I thought you were just gonna chill with me and do whatever - Are you going to ur aunt's
Me: I Called Jack twice
Me: R u hanging up on me?
Jack: Im in the car with my mom talking. On my way to my aunts. Give me a min to respond please. I hardly give my mom my presence and I currently am trying to and you blowing me up is incredibly unhelpful.
Me: I think your just gonna spend the fourth without me then. I feel like you bailed on me. And you can't even fucking talk to me before you ditch me.
Jack: Okay I’m sorry you feel that way.
Me: You weren't gonna go anything until I wanted to go see fire works and you said you'd take me. This just feels rude. I really hope you enjoy the fam. I am just gonna stay home because you were my plans. I'm just really upset and I don't know what to do about that because I really doubt you understand how sad I am now.
Jack: I thought you would want to come to my aunts to see the fire works but I guess I was wrong.
Me: I thought whatever we were gonna do, we were gonna do it together. U then just decided to go with ur mom. If you really wanted to go and really didn't want to drive, I thought at least I'd come get you. It hurts that you just have into your mom and your uncle when you and I had plansI don't feel like going there myself. And now you can't do anything about it. So I'm just gonna nap. U won't even call me.
*I sent him some voice messages while crying after calling. I was still trying to figure something out. I didn't have his aunts address. I waited till I knew he'd be at his aunts to call.*
Me: Why don't you call me. I don't understand how you feel like it's ok to just leave me hanging.i don't understand how you don't feel bad for ditching me. I have like 20 min still shows start and you won't talk to me. I need you to understand that isn't something I'm gonna forgive you for. You won't communicate. I tried making plans with you earlier when you were still at work and you refused. I do not understand why it's so hard for you.
Me: I really don't understand why you won't just call me
Me: Calls twice
Me: Can you please just call me. - I don't even have ur aunt's address - And your ignoring me
Jack: I was visiting with my family… give me a sec and I’ll call you. - If you want to come I can send you the address.
Me: I just want you to call me - I just wish you could tell them one min so I can't get on with my night.
Jack: Okay I will call you
Me: You should have called me when you got there - How much longer am I gonna wait - It's already dark - Can u just call me - Plz - Omg.
*Jack calls over 20 minutes later, for 3 min. I hardly said anything because I had been crying and I was hurt. I dont remember what was said except he eventually said "we're doing an activity, so im gonna go" *Hangs up*
Me: Wow. That call lasted 3 minutes. That's all I am to you
Jack: You chose not to come. I invited you. I did not ghost you. If you’re gonna be upset fine but don’t make up things that aren’t true.
Me: I assumed we had plans with each other and I expected that you were going to figure out plans with me instead of just choosing to go to your aunt's without me, or even a conversation with me.
^last message for the night^
I had gotten dressed, drove to the bay myself, watched fire works alone, after the drugs I took wore off, so it was late. I then went to the club with some friends, but I was sad, so I didn't stay long.
Next morning, (today) He messages.
Jack: I told you about going to my aunts and you said you didn’t feel like going. So you vetoed doing what I was going to go do. I went with my mom last night because it didn’t make sense to go to your place. Wait for you to finish streaming then drive out to the bay and not get there till after it’s dark. Everybody already blew up their shit. And also exhausted and have to turn around and drive home. - I’m sorry I “ruined” your night but you 100% could have joined me and chose not to. So have a little bit of ownership of your actions as well. - Also I was already tired from staying late at work to make the pretzel bread. And when I told you about it you literally only cared about getting recognition for the bread I made..
Me: I ended my stream, and due to steam, I was already ready and yes I was a bit tired but you could have discussed this with me if you wanted to. It really just feels like you don't like me or something. - No I didn't just care about recognition. I actually told you gj, I'm happy for you. That was a small piece of the convo because I'm kinda tired of men taking responsibility for my fucking ideas and hard work. Yea you made the bread .. But who worked on that recipe and made it so understandable a non baker could bake it. Not only that, but literally put 3 recipes together for you, so you could succeed. Yea, you could have found a recipe on the Internet and done it entirely on your own. But you came to me. I worked that recipe for months. Retyped, edited. Etc
Jack: 👌
Me: I praised u way more than I asked for credit...damn I kinda expect my partner to have my back and recognize when they've been helped.
Jack: You’re clearly overly emotional. And I’m trying to not smoke and your emotional instability is actively working against that. So until you stabilize yourself I’ll be enjoying my day alone. Because I have a goal I’m working towards and I’d hope my partner would want to help me succeed rather than work against me. -You didn’t praise me more than you wanted credit actually. But nice try. Idk why you’re being so difficult but I’m really not into it. - Cool so me baking bread that I asked if you could make for me is stealing your ideas and hard work? Let me know when you’ve joined reality again.
Me:
No it's not. But if you make something great that would have been less great without my help.... And our boss only sees you making it and credits only you, I just feel like even a coworker who likes me and realizes the help they were given would have given me more credit. - I recently heard that Nate took all the credit for getting K moved to bakery. Not me, not G
Jake: You’re absolutely ridiculous. And you acting like this, makes me absolutely not want you to help me with anything. because dealing with you after isn’t even worth it. You’re acting like you own the fucking bread I made. And you’re more concerned about getting credit for a recipe than anything else. So cool thanks for making me feel like shit about something I was super excited about. And proud to have turn out good. - Not that you actually probably even care.
Me: I literally talked to you on the phone about it when you got off while I was streaming. And I congratulated you
My comment about credit was like 1% of that interaction.
From here, I was trying to get him to tell me where he put my bakeries egg wash, he refused to tell me, telling me he told me yesterday. but we had a poor connection and I didn't hear where he put it. he didn't put it back, my bakers were looking for it. So I emailed all of the chefs at work to bring it back to bakery since he wasn't being helpful.
Jack: I actually did last night. You just didn’t even notice. Idk what you’re going through but I don’t want to be apart of it right now. Leave me alone.
Me: Yes chef - When you called after work I couldn't hear you for most of it.
And you never told me where you put it. If you did, I didn't hear it cuz bad connect
Jack: 👍
When we first started dating, I attempted to break up with him once or twice a month. I think I felt the clash of our standards. I stopped doing that and tried harder to meet him with our argument/problem resolution style. I recently broke up with him for a couple of months during spring. He yelled about his problems to me, in front of all my bakers...scaring 3 of them at least. They still do not like him to this day. To get back together I wanted us to do couples therapy. I resolved and took him back with out it. He doesn't think he needs therapy.
I am currently dating him in secret. Non of my friends or coworkers know we are back together. We both enjoy the privacy. but apart of me feels embarrassed to tell my friends.
TLDR: bf didnt hang out with me on the 4th. He felt like he could do whatever because he says he had no plans, but the day before he said he would take me to watch fire works. Instead his mom drove him to his aunts to watch fireworks, and invited me to come later.
I (f/33) just ended a 10-year relationship with my girlfriend (f/35).
On paper, she is incredible: beautiful, funny, and smart. We match on everything important. When we hang out, even 10 years in, we have the most incredible time together and everything just works. I truly believe we had a future.
However, for the past 10 years, I have had to compromise on so much.
We never moved in together because she recently bought/started building a house for her ageing mother to live in, and she has spent the past few years building, sorting, and settling her mother in.
We were only able to see each other once a week at most. The majority of this time was with friends or family, and never just us. This was due to busy work schedules and a lot of work and family commitments on her end.
We never travelled. Mostly due to financial stress (like building the house). She told me I should travel, but I said I wanted to with her, and I would wait.
I was never fully introduced to her family until the past two or so years. This was because of their highly religious background and them not being accepting of her lifestyle. However, in the past two years, we made huge steps forward as I was introduced to many of her family members. I ended up hanging out there a bit more just to see her and make friends with her mum. However, I never stayed as much as she hoped. I think I struggled with feeling fully welcomed.
She rarely stayed at mine. We lived 50 minutes away from each other, but because of her early commitments, she would always make the trek back home. We had no option to stay at her place due to the previous point. She stayed over so rarely that when she did stay, she struggled to sleep.
We talked about marriage and kids a lot. We planned the future. But I just kept waiting, and it never came. So, I left.
I have no doubt that she was never unfaithful or trying to cover things up. I believe she was constantly overwhelmed by her circumstances.
I'm heartbroken because the potential was there. I'm mourning the life we could have had. I know we could have gotten there; I just couldn't wait any longer.
And I'm struggling with the feelings that maybe I just gave up on someone incredible who was trying and was just a victim of circumstance.
I’m currently struggling between choosing my career and financial future over work-life balance and relationships. Has anyone else chosen work-life balance over their career and taken a pay-cut? Was it worth it? Or is sacrificing the next 5 years worth it for the long-term financial security?
I have habitually chosen my career over relationships. My career is travel intensive, so I’ve never lived in any one place longer than a couple years, and it’s made it difficult to form long-lasting relationships, romantic or otherwise. For most of my twenties, I eschewed romantic relationships because of career focus, debt, and constant transience. There have been long stretches where I didn’t even maintain a permanent residence, including most of the last four years.
It’s been lucrative for me. I’ve paid off all my debt, and I have a decent financial cushion now. I’m also in middle management for large-scale projects now, but I’m finding I have very little appetite for it anymore.
I forced myself to establish a home base this year because I realized how important having a physical home would be for my mental and social health. I also had the opportunity to work from home for several months before my next project started, and it gave me a taste of work-life balance I haven’t had in a very, very long time.
The next project started a little over a month ago, and now I’m out of town 5-6 days a week working 12 hours a day. This will be going for the next 2-3 years. And I hate it. I rationalized with myself that I would be in the field for another 5 years, which would allow me to buy a house and build up a significant financial cushion. Best case scenario, I’d be able to coast until early retirement.
But, I hate it. It doesn’t help that the entire project is a toxic circus only a month in, but honestly, it is never not a toxic circus. Every project has been the same song, different verse, and I often feel caught in an insanity loop at the mercy of other people’s dumb, avoidable decisions. I’m a woman in construction. I get daily doses of casual misogyny, and sometimes outright crude or cruel disrespect. Things are so tense at work right now with this rocky start that being the only onsite woman at the lead level, unfortunately, I’m the punching bag for the other male construction managers’ frustrations and anger. Again, par for the course, and though I push back and match the energy, I’m just tired of dealing with their emotional immaturity, especially when it’s getting in the way of me doing my job.
Though it would be a major career building opportunity, I feel like I won’t have the stamina or tolerance to see it through. Maybe I’ve reached an age (34) where I’m just tired of putting up with the same BS over and over again. And that I’m sacrificing the remainder of my good, healthy years for money and my career. Having those few months to see what it could be like, building a home, getting involved with my community, volunteering and hobbies, I now dread the 4 hour drive back to the job site. During those months working from home, I was still dealing with the BS, but it felt manageable. I also wasn’t an island, away from home, and working so many hours that I couldn’t recover.
None of my usual self-care methods are working to get me through the week. I get back to my trailer at the end of the day, shove food in my mouth, and go straight to sleep. I’m not knitting or running or doing yoga. I’m skipping meals. My hair is falling out. I don’t want to talk to anyone, and on the weekends when I’d usually pick up a volunteer shift or try for a day trip somewhere, I don’t have anything left in the tank. I’m in therapy, and we talk about methods to deal with this, but even my therapist has pointed out there are signs of abusive tactics with the construction managers. Not sustainable long term.
I’m currently interviewing elsewhere, and I have a second interview with a state agency tomorrow, but if I leave this position, it will be a significant pay cut. The chances of me being able to buy a home with a reasonable mortgage in the next few years will be nudging zero. Given the precarity of the job and housing market right now, I’m concerned with pivoting.
But I want to have community. I want to have friends who aren’t coworkers. I want to have a home and hobbies and a life.
TL;DR. Career-focused and traveling for most of 20s into mid-30s, promise of long-term financial security if I bear down and work hard the next five years, but unsure if it’s worth it and desire work-life balance and friendship/community.
Admittedly, i've never been in a full committed relationship. I've had flings, and even those always came second to my friendships. I think in many ways, I am a little bit of a relationship anarchist who doesn't believe that romantic relationships need to be the central relationship in a person's life. But I fully understand that the majority of people are socialized to believe so and that's how society functions.
Well, in my mid-thirties, most of my friends are coupled, some coupled with a child. And I am genuinely the friend who will adopt your loved ones as my own. I love children and love being an "auntie". I've helped plan several good friends weddings. I root for my friends and each of them know I will help them move a body.
And I am really at the point of being bitter. Not because those things aren't happening in my own life but because it feels all of my friendships have dissolved into pen pal relationships, even the ones I live near.
And these are people who express love for me, update me on their lives, ask for updates on mine so it isn't the sort of thing where it's like well maybe they don't like me. Because they could stop texting me lol.
I have offered to drive to them to have lunch/coffee/ sit with you during your kiddos sports practice and it's always "let me get back to you". I really want to engage with my friends in person, like I need the hugs and the touch, the face to face without screens, ya know? And yes, I am pretty direct and have verbally said to most of these folks "I want to see more people in person this year".
And it's not just coupled friends -- I have a few single friends who are just as bad. One lives 20 minutes away and I can't get her to come out of the house. But we talk via text and voice notes everyday. She is this way with everyone who is not a hookup partner.
Another single friend, now former friend, found time to hang out with other folks (as per their social media) but whenever I asked to hang it was always put off. But then got upset when I slowed down our text and social media correspondence complaining that I pulled back. Like girl, what?
I did recently have one friend come visit and I really appreciated that but she is a very romantic- relationship centric person (she is also poly and has a lot of partners) and the while we were doing most of the activities I planned, she was staring at her phone texting one of her partners. Mentioning how it would be really nice to try similar activities with her partners. Imagine feeling like a third wheel when there's only two people in the room.
Again, I think it's bullshit to center romantic relationships because community is expansive and you need more than just one person and different relationships serve different purposes. But my goodness, I'm ready to get aggressive in my dating just to not be this lonely because I am so underwhelmed.
Anyone else feel similarly? Anyone else find a way to combat this?