I've been pondering this question for a while and wanted everyone's thoughts about it.

Here are my definitions:

Acute/Observant -

Having high pattern recognition for behaviors and their root causes (Insecurity, ego-driven, etc). Basically automatically analyzing 24/7.

Not caring -

- Indifference to judgement about YOU

I'm not sure if this question is structured coherently or makes sense the way I put it, so I apologize if it is confusing...

The turndown in question, that "I/they don't owe you anything" is used in situations where someone made an expectation of someone else, but then is stumped by the difference between their own priorities and the (realistic) priorities of that who is turning them down.

I mean, looking at this at surface-level, it is brutally honest that they weren't somehow indebted to you because of a picture you formed about them in your mind. You weren't entitled to receiving their mile because they gave you an inch, and for reference; you weren't entitled to receiving that promotion because your manager had faith in you while mentoring you.

But it is still unfair. I feel like it shifts that burden of hindsight on you. You should have known better. You should have strategized yourself to invest your energy in people who would finally appreciate you. And it is especially worse if you know, and they know, that they were stringing you along just to deny you this opportunity (for some sadistic pleasure, it often seems).

At the same time, you are not entitled to everyone operating within your locus of expectations. People are not robots; they may have been drawn to something different that you were not privy to until this disappointing moment. So you can't really blame them for not noticing that like a beacon, you burnt yourself out to shine brightest.

Even "moving on" is something other people who can't share in the intensity of your disappointment always say in passing. Often to minimize the emotional effort they put into processing with you what has just transpired. It may be well-intentioned, it may be a further handwave; but it doesn't provide a satisfactory outlook... not especially if it is a lifeline that has been cut and you can't clutch onto anything else.

Perhaps this (being dissatisfied with this particular outlook because of the apparent lack of access to other lifelines) is a hyperbolic stance though, because realistically speaking, opportunities to heal and move on are somewhat there. We can at least anticipate that... But what do you cling onto in the known present, how do you know when to next cling onto; when you have just been thrust into the mud, and your vision has as such been murkied in that moment?

All things considered, perhaps this is why this imagery of the proverbial drowning man seems to bring everything together so neatly. If I were to tie all these motifs: this now-smouldering beacon… the now-rudderless lifeline… the now-groping clutching and clinging… the now gritty, itching mud…; all these, into one coherent visual narrative, I would picture this man, adrift, holding onto that straw of a lifeline, while trying to look for that undrenched beacon that will guide him ashore. He is stranded across a stretch of sea frequented by freight traffic, so it is a reasonable assurance of him getting safety; but at the moment he just doesn’t know where to go.

Hi,

I’m practicing mindfulness meditation for 2 years and I still have a lot of anxiety that I don’t know from where it comes from. My question is : anyone here that meditation or anything else helped to calm anxiety or even to stop it?

Thank you!!

I'm not always negative. But when I am, it always feels more like, this is the real deal. Positivity, on the other hand, feels more like a shiny surface. A distraction.

Is this a basic foundation in the human condition? Or do others see their life differently? Can it be changed?

Lately there's a lot of confident takes flying around on daycare — commentators like Erica Komisar claiming it "shrivels" kids' amygdalas and causes lasting trauma, while politicians like Pres. Obama and Pres. Biden claim it pays for itself 7x over in future earnings, crime reduction, grad rates, etc.

The trauma stuff is mostly speculation — cortisol is elevated in daycare kids, sure, but cortisol also spikes from excitement and exercise, not just stress, and the amygdala claim doesn't seem to be backed by any actual study.

On the flip side, the famous studies used to justify daycare's huge ROI (Perry Project, Abecedarian) used tiny samples of severely disadvantaged kids getting intensive extra support, not just regular daycare—and a bigger randomized study found early gains faded by grade school anyway.

Basically: we've studied this a lot, and if daycare had a big effect either way, we'd probably know by now. Right?

Source: Works in Progress

تمهيدا : المقالة تتخذ موقفا جامدا عن المثلية، غير داعية لها لا للتأييد ولا الرفض، بل تتناول موقف البشر المستقمين من المثلية المقابلة والمثلية المشابهة في الجنس... بشكل أكاديمي فقط أنقل ما اشارت له الدراسات عن تساؤل ربما بدر في ذهن الكل لظاهرة اجتماعية منتشرة.

1

لمَ تقرأ النساء كثيرا لحب الرجال/ الفتيان، أي المثلية الذكورية؟

1.1

في ظل المعايير الاجتماعية الصارمة تجاه النساء ولاسيّما خلال القرون الأخيرة لإنتشار الثورة الصناعية مع المحافظة على النظام الذكوري ، تولّدت مطالب اجتماعية غير معلنة تجاه النساء، فالمرأة مطالبة ضمنيا بأن تصبح طالبة ناجحة، إمرأة خلوقة وحكيمة، عاملة ناجحة، اما، شيفا و زوجة صالحة...

إلا أن هذه الادوار تنبع قيمتها من الذكر نفسه، أي أن المرأة لا تنال قيمتها بنجاحها كشخص فقط،

بل بكونها زوجة الرجل التي تؤدي هذه الادوار...

فارتفاع قدرها لأجل ارتفاع قدر الذكر فقط، إذ يتناول المصدر الأول في الأسفل فكرة النظام الاجتماعي الذكوري ، أن وجود المرأة ودورها يستمد من أمرين،

كونها كيانا يثبت ذكورية الرجل، وكونها أما.

فما أن ينتهي الدوران، يسقط دورها في المجتمع وتبقى فقط ذكراها في الدورين السابقين.

كل ما سبق أنشا ضغطا مرهقا على الإناث فهي مطالبة بكل الادوار السابقة لأجل تصفيق مؤقت، ولا تمثل جهودها ولا اعمالها قيمة حقيقية في المجتمع بالنهاية...

فتوفر بيئة هذه الأعمال ( حب الذكور) ، علاقة بين طرفين متكافئين بالقوة بعيدا عن المعايير الاجتماعية، تلجئ له الاناث خوفا لاستئصال التمييز الجندري في العلاقة الواقعية،

فالاناث في الأعمال الترفيهية تبقى أقل مكانة من البطل الرئيسي ووجودها مجرد اجراء تكميلي لدوره،

في حين الأعمال المثلية تمثل رحلة مشتركة بين بطلين مترابطين، وإن كان احدهما اضعف قوة.

إذ أن مشاعر الطرفين مهمة وتؤخذ على محمل الجد بلا احكام على تصرفاتهما ( ولاسيما الشخصية الخاضعة التي تقابل الشخصية الجندرية للانثى )

ويذكر في الدراسة أن النساء التي تشاهد هذه الاعمال، تعتبر المثلية الجنسية ميزة شخصية ترفع من قدر المرء، متغاضيات عن الصفات والسمات المجهولة له وافصحن اغلبهن عن رغبة في مصادقة مثلي الجنس بل وحتى الزواج منه للسبب السابق.

وذكر في المقال حادثة الاغتصاب مثالا، واقع المجتمعات حين حدوث الاغتصاب لوم الضحية غالبا ، وقت خروجها، ملابسها، تصرفاتها، الخ...

وتصبح وصمة عار باعتبارها بضاعة تالفة غير صالحة للزواج أو العلاقات.

أما بالخيال فالمغتصب عليه اللوم تماما و يصبح عليه عارا وغالبا ما يرافقها دعم عاطفي من طرف ثالث ( وهو الشخصية الرئيسية أو المسيطرة)

1.2

الشهوة البصرية المزدوجة بوجود ذكرين ( وهو ما تميل له النساء غالبا بشكل طبيعي)

لذا تعتبر مساحة عاطفية آمنة بعيدا عن السلطة الذكورية والتمييز الجندري.

2

لمَ يشاهد الذكور ممارسة حب النساء؟

على نظير القصور العاطفي لدى الإناث، الذكور مطالبين بمعايير جسدية وجنسية صارمة، تتحول إلى قلق مزمن من العار الاجتماعي الناتج عن التقصير في احداها.

فالذكر يتمركز دوره بكونه حاميا ودرعا ضد الخارج مقولبا بصورة نمطية عن القوة والشدة و الاداء،

فالذكور مطالبين بدثر خوفهم أو قلقهم أو ضعفهم الطبيعيين، وعدم ابداء أي منها.

توفر الاعمال الإباحية المثلية الانثوية، بيئة خالية من المقارنات والمنافسة،

يستمتع بها الذكر دون خوف من التقصير أو اللوم.

بالإضافة لوجود محفز بصري مزدوج في هذا الجانب تحديدا ( فالذكور تستجيب للتحفيز البصري بيولوجيا أكثر من الاناث)

وقد ساعد الإعلام بهذا الدور جدا، إذ خلال العقود السابقة أُنتجت الكثير من الأعمال التي تروج للمثلية الانثوية كعرض ترفيهي للذكور مقرون برجولتهم، مما خلق صورة نمطية لا واعية بكون هذا الامر يزيد من رجولتهم لا ينقصها.

ورغم اختلاف الاسباب الا انه ملخصا كلا الجانبين يلجئ للمثلية المقابلة لهذه الاسباب :

1- لا يوجد منافسة من الجنس نفسه.

2- لا توجد مقارنة ذاتية أو شعور بالنقص.

3- المراقبة من خارج العلاقة دون محاسبة أو احكام اجتماعية

إلا أنه يجب التوعية لمضار الانخراط في هذا الخيال الجماعي... فهو يخلق معايير جديدة خيالية لان المعايير المثلية تختلف عن المعايير المغايرة في المجتمع الواقعي،

بالإضافة إلى احتمالية تغيير السلوك الجنسي كآلية تكيف ضد قيود المجتمع .

3

المصادر اللي قريتها اذا أحد حب يطلع عليها :

دراسة من جامعة اوتفوش ( جامعة بحثية عالمية موثوقة)

أغلب الكلام إلي اعتمدته منها خاصة الجزئية المتعلقة بالإناث

https://intensitiescultmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/3-zsila-demetrovics-boys-love2.pdf?hl=ar-EG

كتاب

Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema

هو الكتاب لباحثة بريطانية بس نشرته جامعة انديانا

( يعني ايضا موثوق)

I was grilling chicken by the pool in my apartment complex yesterday when a random girl approached me and said "Hey, I need to talk to you." 

I took a closer look and realized I recognized her from social media. We actually went to the same college. So I was like "Heyyy, you went to [college name] right?" We have very brief small talk, i find out she's 25 (I'm 29). She tells me that she watches me on tiktok and even takes notes on my bible studies.

I've never seen her engage so I was surprised but admittedly flattered. Then she tells me she knows where I live and what car I drive. She said she thought about messaging me but she wanted to meet me organically. I didn't know what to think.

This goes on for maybe 1 minute. Then she's like "So I need to talk" and immediately goes into telling me about her abusive relationship. I was honestly just trying to relax and grill my chicken, I wasn't really in "spiritual leader" mode but I gave her some girl-to-girl advice. Basically, leave him, move away, enjoy her life. She also makes content, I told her to focus on her goals. 

We talked a little more about content, she said she kinda blew up years ago but it was overwhelming having random people know her so she deleted it and started over. She kept emphasizing how you never know who will find you and then strangers will know all about you. I share some personal things that I'm comfortable with online, like being estranged. I actually don't mind if a stranger wanted to talk to me about that. It just struck me as odd, like she was trying to make me uncomfortable with a stranger knowing so much about me? I mean, I was uncomfortable but more-so because I felt randomly bombarded while trying to enjoy a peacefule evening.

She gets to asking more questions like if I live with my boyfriend. I said yes but I'm actually moving in a week. She was disappointed that I'm leaving so soon. She starts asking questions about where I'm going, says she wants to go there too. I gave her vague info, like I told her the city but not my exact destination.

Anyway, she tells me she just can't get over the guy and that she would probably go over to his apartment tonight. The guy happens to live in the building next to mine. 

I told her she should come hang out with me, I cooked and was planning to watch a movie. I've witnessed my own mother in abusive relationships and it really tugged on my heart strings. Plus we went to the same college, it was normal for us to meet girls and hang out back then. I was looking at her as a peer by default. I know this probably was a misjudgement. She took my number, and asked for my last name (I thought that was odd but maybe it's normal?) She ended up texting me saying she couldn't make it. 

Now that I've had time to process, this experience was quite jarring. I offer 1-on-1 session as a spiritual coach that I charge for. I kind of think maybe she was waiting on an opportunity to approach me alone to get a free session? Which is bizarre because I have structured procedures for coaching sessions. Even if you try and approach me, you're not going to get a free session on the spot. My approach to coaching is different from "girl-to-girl" advice. 

Of course this is all a learning experience, I realize I need to have stronger boundaries with strangers, even if they're "familiar". Tbh I would've liked to have been friends with her but I realize she was just seeing me as a mentor or someone who could help her. I actually experience this a lot, where people don't really want to be friends, they just want things from me. 

Am I missing something here though? This was all very weird to me but I can't put my finger on it. Jealousy? Insecurity? What is this? Or am I just overthinking and this was all completely normal?

I'm typically a very guarded person but I let my guard down because of the "familiarity" which I shouldn't have. I'm neurodivergent and typically need 2 days to prepare for a social interaction. I wasn't able to process all of this in real-time.

Hello, first time posting here.

I came to think about something I wanted to share. I think that for a lot of people myself included, we have in some ways tried to talk about romance with parents or other adults during our childhood and have heard variations of "It will happen" or "You will find someone" or even "Everyone has a soulmate".

I'm thinking this very particular kind of teaching can be incredibly destructive when coupled together with other mental struggles such as depression or anxiety during childhood. I believe it fosters a sense of "entitled destiny", the whole idea of "This is normal so therefore it will happen".

While I think this idea is very publicized with media such as movies, books, songs etc, I havent really heard much be discussed about the parents role in this.

While unintentional, it comes off as handwavy and I do think some parents are not equipped to handle talking about romance and instead talk about it as a natural part of life. While sure romance is natural, its not a given. We breathe air to live which is natural but it is not applicable to romance as in "I am a person therefore I WILL be with someone".

It removes autonomy from other people saying that, for example if I have a soulmate somewhere, then its not an autonomous thing to fall in love with someone but instead founded upon the idea of destiny and entitlement.

As with everything I do not think the phrase "It will happen" alone will cause someone to believe they are entitled to have someone however I havent heard alot of discussions about its psychological effects. Id be happy to hear what you guys think.

Can someone please explain to me why do I have such preferences in men. I started to find it attractive when a partner controls me, tells me what to do, puts me in “my place”, like I know it’s not good but I can’t help it. Maybe it’s because I was lonely for too long now that I started liking it?

I had an instructor who, at the start of a class, asked, 'Who has not purchased the text book yet and done the readings?' and counted the hands up and said, "x honest people.". The instructor then went on with the lesson. At the end of the class, the instructor then said something along the lines of, "if you're a good cook, put up your hand," and then, "if you're a great cook, put up your hand," and finally, "if you're an excellent cook, put up your hand,". I've always wondered if that was some kind of psychological test. The subject had nothing to do with cooking. I wondered if he was comparing and contrasting who admitted or didn't admit they hadn't bought the text book and who then professed to be an excellent cook.

As the person so many who really are alone have often turned to, I'm struck by the falsehood of it. TBH, I feel like a lot of us are losing the knack of sitting with the tedious aspect of showing up for others. Managing how we feel because we 'do' care--even when literally being there isn't fun--is crucial.

Ignoring how isolating our absence from the lives of certain others can be just seems like shirking our basic human responsibility.

It just seems like things are fracturing in ways that mean the substance that binds us and holds our fantasies about everything from family to society are falling apart.

What are we--specifically to one another--without all that? How can we not, ultimately, wind up alone?

I’m looking for a psychological/biological or just logical explanation for why since my break up few years ago I turned into someone who crushes obsessively and often.

In my first decade of dating I had a combined of maybe 3 crushes, in the 2 years since my worst break up I had 8 or 9. It can be directed at anyone with no real compatibility to give cause. I become enamoured and obssessed over that person, checking their last seen (something I never did before), stalking their socials, daydreaming about them, feeling flustered near them. In happens so quickly and holds for a few months and then is gone just as quickly.

I genuinely don’t feel ok in the head with how it has been, I used to be cool as a cucumber but now I’m practically manic. Anyone went through this or knows what it could be?

My Gf is still friends with her ex which i don't necessarily mind. However, she lied about still being friends when we got together and still will not tell me when they are hanging out. I have asked to just know. Not to say she cant, or a guilt trip, but I just want to know especially given that she initially lied. She said she lied bc she was embarrassed and had also dated someone who used to get mad at everything so she is trying to unlearn habits. I TRULY DO NOT THINK SHE IS CHEATING! But, I cannot figure out why she doesn't just tell me. I dont get it. The ONE time she did, I said OK and didn't even talk about it after so its not like I get on her about it. Im hoping someone is similar to my gf and can help me understand.

Common phenomenon. I understand that this is a coping mechanism, but I am interested in going deeper and perhaps hearing other people's experiences, thoughts, and observations.

The characterisation I am talking about is: avoiding short-term discomfort which then evolves into serious resentment, externalised blame, and a refusal to acknowledge one’s own agency in their circumstances.

I’m interested in why people repeatedly agree to things they dislike, despite having reasonable freedom to say "no," then later describe the consequences as something everyone else did to them.