u/Far-Context8803

How do I support my partner's relationship with his mum without being responsible for making her part of my emotional support system?

My MIL is a friendly, nice person who I genuinely believe means well. However, she is also emotionally immature, quite self-centred and high-maintenance. She has a strong need for attention and validation, can be critical and judgmental, struggles with boundaries, and has a tendency to make situations about her own feelings and needs. She has also struggled to maintain close relationships and has fallen out with a lot of friends and family over the years.

As a result, she is very dependent on her children emotionally and has created fairly enmeshed relationships with them.

My partner moved from the Canada to Australia five years ago, partly because he wanted distance from his mum and the opportunity to break away from some of these dynamics He's well aware of his mothers flaws and the unhealthy dynamics (he's communicated them to) but he's also an incredibly caring and empathetic person and still loves his mum deeply. They're close and speak on the phone every day.

I don't have or particularly want that same kind of relationship with her. I'm friendly and engaging when we speak, and when she visits Australia she stays with us. I'm polite, welcoming and accommodating. I have no desire to exclude her from our lives or prevent my partner from having a close relationship with her. I just don't personally feel a desire for emotional closeness with her.

This has become more complicated now that we're expecting our first child after being together for just over 12 months.

Since finding out about the baby, she's been putting a lot more emotional pressure on my partner about living on the other side of the world — talking about everything she's going to miss out on and making comments that leave him feeling incredibly guilty about the life he's built here. The other night he broke down crying because he felt so guilty.

The difficult thing is that he knows what's happening. Intellectually, he can recognise the guilt and manipulation, but emotionally he feels an enormous responsibility for his mum's happiness and really struggles to set boundaries when he knows she's upset.

At the same time, he really wants me to have a close relationship with her. He'll suggest that I turn to his mum for guidance or support with things like breastfeeding or becoming a mum. I've explained that I simply don't have that kind of relationship with her and wouldn't feel comfortable going to her for those things.

He accepts this, but is genuinely hurt that I don't want a closer relationship with her.

I think part of this is that if I loved having his mum involved and developed a close relationship with her, it would relieve some of the emotional conflict he feels. He wouldn't have to feel caught between the life he's built here and his mum on the other side of the world. Me embracing her as someone I rely on would probably reassure him that she's still an important part of our family.

But the problem is: I don't want that relationship.

I don't dislike her. I'm happy for her to be part of our lives and our child's life. I'm happy to be warm, welcoming and inclusive. But I don't want her to be someone I turn to for emotional support, parenting advice or guidance. I already have people in my life who naturally fill those roles.

I know ultimately he needs to accept that his relationship with his mum and my relationship with her are separate. But I also love him and hate seeing how much this situation hurts him, and I find myself feeling guilty that I can't just give him what he's asking for.

I'm not looking for validation that my MIL is difficult or stories about terrible MILs. I'm genuinely interested in practical advice from people who have navigated something similar.

How can I support my partner through the guilt and complicated relationship he has with his mum without the solution becoming me developing a closer relationship with her than I actually want? And how do I help him get to a place where my boundary doesn't feel like a rejection of him or his mum?

How do I support my partner's relationship with his mum without being responsible for making her part of my emotional support system?

My MIL is a friendly, nice person who I genuinely believe means well. However, she is also emotionally immature, quite self-centred and high-maintenance. She has a strong need for attention and validation, can be critical and judgmental, struggles with boundaries, and has a tendency to make situations about her own feelings and needs. She has also struggled to maintain close relationships and has fallen out with a lot of friends and family over the years.

As a result, she is very dependent on her children emotionally and has created fairly enmeshed relationships with them.

My partner moved from the Canada to Australia five years ago, partly because he wanted distance from his mum and the opportunity to break away from some of these dynamics He's well aware of his mothers flaws and the unhealthy dynamics (he's communicated them to) but he's also an incredibly caring and empathetic person and still loves his mum deeply. They're close and speak on the phone every day.

I don't have or particularly want that same kind of relationship with her. I'm friendly and engaging when we speak, and when she visits Australia she stays with us. I'm polite, welcoming and accommodating. I have no desire to exclude her from our lives or prevent my partner from having a close relationship with her. I just don't personally feel a desire for emotional closeness with her.

This has become more complicated now that we're expecting our first child.

Since finding out about the baby, she's been putting a lot more emotional pressure on my partner about living on the other side of the world — talking about everything she's going to miss out on and making comments that leave him feeling incredibly guilty about the life he's built here. The other night he broke down crying because he felt so guilty.

The difficult thing is that he knows what's happening. Intellectually, he can recognise the guilt and manipulation, but emotionally he feels an enormous responsibility for his mum's happiness and really struggles to set boundaries when he knows she's upset.

At the same time, he really wants me to have a close relationship with her. He'll suggest that I turn to his mum for guidance or support with things like breastfeeding or becoming a mum. I've explained that I simply don't have that kind of relationship with her and wouldn't feel comfortable going to her for those things.

He accepts this, but is genuinely hurt that I don't want a closer relationship with her.

I think part of this is that if I loved having his mum involved and developed a close relationship with her, it would relieve some of the emotional conflict he feels. He wouldn't have to feel caught between the life he's built here and his mum on the other side of the world. Me embracing her as someone I rely on would probably reassure him that she's still an important part of our family.

But the problem is: I don't want that relationship.

I don't dislike her. I'm happy for her to be part of our lives and our child's life. I'm happy to be warm, welcoming and inclusive. But I don't want her to be someone I turn to for emotional support, parenting advice or guidance. I already have people in my life who naturally fill those roles.

I know ultimately he needs to accept that his relationship with his mum and my relationship with her are separate. But I also love him and hate seeing how much this situation hurts him, and I find myself feeling guilty that I can't just give him what he's asking for.

I'm not looking for validation that my MIL is difficult or stories about terrible MILs. I'm genuinely interested in practical advice from people who have navigated something similar.

How can I support my partner through the guilt and complicated relationship he has with his mum without the solution becoming me developing a closer relationship with her than I actually want? And how do I help him get to a place where my boundary doesn't feel like a rejection of him or his mum?