u/raelilphil

Original post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1u0pcpd/absent_mil_wants_to_come_back/

So the next part of the story is that my DH sent a recording of all his feelings to his mom and she cried to everyone she knew, including some full out lies. But he also sent a recording to her sister, his aunt, so that the narrative wouldn't be skewed. Radio silence on MIL at this point.

MIL had another follow-up surgery (DH did visit in the hospital), and now that she's better and starting to get mobile and care for herself, she sent a similar message to us saying she wants to get the kids presents and come over and make dinner for us. Basically expecting us to have let go of the idea that she needs to make some effort to fix the relationship rather. She's always been the "close my eyes and do nothing and maybe the problem will go away" type since I've met her.

I took this one off my husband's plate and sent a simple "we are looking forward to you coming over after you feel stronger and you have put more work into repairing your and DH's relationship". Radio silence, but I feel good about the message. DH was very validated by all of your responses and it's good to know that there is some objective agreements (although we know you only got our side). Thank you!

Advice needed. I married my husband right before the pandemic. His mom was kind, present, although ditzy. She had a long term boyfriend (DH’s dad died a long time ago) who is strange, but not a bad guy we felt. We had our first kid during the pandemic and the bf suddenly got very controlling and didn’t like MIL visiting the baby. It got better, but then we had another kid, and the whole process repeated again, except this time MIL herself showed almost no interest in the new baby. We see less and less of her, and then find out she has cancer. Very treatable, but difficult recovery. We try to see her more, but she chooses her bf’s opinions instead. After surgery she said she’d leave him, but went back anyway, ignoring us for Christmas and my older daughter’s birthday. Older daughter has noticed her absence and is sad. DH is increasingly upset that his mom is showing no interest in being part of our family anymore. I’m really tired of seeing my family hurting. Then MiL leaves her Bf in the night and stays with her sister for awhile to recover properly. We wait to see if it will stick and then find out she has rented a place very close to us and suddenly wants to be a frequent part of our lives. I’m not ready. I want her to go to therapy for a long time before she sees my kids solo. I’m not okay with my kids being disappointed by her flakiness. She has shown no accountability at all for her choices, although I recognize the bf was a big problem himself. DH wants me to let up a bit and let her see the girls without extra people buffering the visit. He says she might go back to the bf if we limit too much. I don’t think she or I am ready at all. As I being too hard?

Edit: DH is very supportive. He's worried that alienating his mom will drive her back to the bf and hurt her cancer recovery. He is also very hurt by her behavior. We plan on being a united front when we figure out the right way to handle this with the outcome we want.